You Can't Win! Episode Two
by Lady of the Wolves
Dedicated to Daazy, Phoebe, and Penny
*Lights blaze, shot of crowd clapping and yelling, then camera cuts to the stage. Theme song plays*
A smiling woman with brown hair curled under in a green and white polka-dotted dress waves at the camera.
Woman: Welcome back, everyone! I'm Anita Life, your host. I was formerly Anita Job, but I got married. I'm glad everyone could join us for this week's episode of You Can't Win!
*Audience applauds and whistles loudly*
Anita: Thank you! On last week's episode, Numair Salmalin, Alanna Cooper, and Cleon of Kennan joined us in a stimulating battle of wits! Bob Helpme was the winner. However, due to the fact that Bob is currently in critical condition at the hospital-
*Crowd gasps*
Anita: His prize was forfeited. That means that whoever wins today will take home an even more fabulous prize than last week!
*Crowd applauds*
Anita: Let's welcome Contestant Number One!
A muscular, dark-skinned man with an important ring on his finger struts onstage, smiling broadly.
Anita: Let's hear it for His Imperial Majesty, Emperor Kaddar of Carthak!
*Crowd is silent, except for a tall man with black hair in the front, who is snickering*
Kaddar (frowning): You don't like me?!?!
Numair (in the audience): NO! WE ALL HATE YOU!! BEGONE, FOOL!!!
*Audience is silent; Numair put a silencing spell on everyone. Kaddar slumps and sadly moves over to his stand*
Anita: OK....then. Kaddar enjoys bossing people around, being a loser, and hitting on other peoples' girlfriends....Hey, who wrote this?
*Numair tries to look innocent, although everyone is staring silently at him*
Anita: Anyway...Now it's time to meet Contestant Number Two!
*Numair releases the spell, the crowd goes wild*
A beautiful, slender young woman with long, luxurious brown curls and blue-gray eyes with exquisite eyelashes and a great body glides onstage, smiling.
*All of the men in the audience whistle loudly, causing her to blush. Numair growls*
Numair: She's mine, back off!
*She waves to him. He waves back happily*
Anita: Thank you. Meet Veralidaine Sarrasri, our second contestant.
*Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Daine is the Wildmage, and loves animals. She likes to ride horses and snuggle with her true love, Numair Salmalin....Yuck, who writes this-I mean, how lovely!
*Daine and Numair glare at her*
Daine: Thank you for the welcome.
Anita: No prob! Now, let's meet our third contestant!
A large dog with curling gray fur lopes easily onto the stage.
*Everyone in the audience laughs and/or giggles, and everyone says "aaaahhhhh, how cute!"*
Anita: Um....
Dog: Woof! Woof!
Daine: Tahoi?
Anita: This week's third contestant was supposed to be Onua Chamtong of the K'miri Raadeh! Not some mutt!
*The large dog growls menacingly*
Daine: Tahoi is Onua's dog. He says that Onua is sick, but he came in her place!
*Audience claps and cheers. Tahoi wags his tail*
Anita: Fine! Let's hear it for Tahoi!
*Crowd goes wild. Tahoi trots over to his stand and places his front paws on it. Daine whispers to Anita*
Anita: Tahoi enjoys chasing rabbits, herding ponies with Onua, his mistress, and living the good life!
Tahoi: Woof!
Audience: How cute!
Anita: Let's introduce today's categories!
*She waves her hand and the on the screen behind her appears five now red boxes*
Anita: We have: Omelettes, Aliens From Faraway Places, Tom Cruise, Torture Devices, and JIN|A!
*Audience claps*
Anita: Before we begin, let's review the lifelines! We have 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE!
Kaddar: What's that YOU LOSE!-
Anita: Shut up! Contestant Number One, please pick a category!
Kaddar: Um....Do I have to? I don't understand the lifelines!
Anita: Too bad! And yes! If you don't, then...
Everyone: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
Tahoi: Woof! Woof!
Anita: Daine, translation?
Daine: He said that wasn't the POINT of the game to not be able to win?
Kaddar: I see.
Numair (in audience): Loser!
Kaddar: Daine, you don't think I'm a loser, do you?
*He gives Daine his sad puppy-dog face*
Daine: Well, you ARE really dumb...
Kaddar: Hey!
*Numair snickers*
Anita: AHEM!!! Pick a category already!
*Anita glares at Kaddar*
Kaddar: Um....I pick Torture Devices!
*Numair laughs evilly, but he is very quiet. Audience claps*
Anita: Excellent! And the question is: What torture device will be used on you if you get this question wrong?
Kaddar: Excuse me?! I am Kaddar, Emperor of Carthak! You dare not torture ME!
*Audience laughs*
Anita: I'm sor-
Kaddar: And I can't tell the future!
*He sits down and starts crying*
Anita: I'm sorry, Kaddar, but that answer was incorrect. The correct answer was....the cattle prod!
*Audience cheers. Armed thugs, each carrying a cattle prod, come onstage and began prodding Kaddar*
Kaddar: Hee hee! That tickles!
Numair: He's not smart enough to understand the concept of pain!
*Audience laughs. Thugs crank up the voltage on the electric prods*
Kaddar: OOWWWW!!! HELP!!! THAT HURTS!!!
*He jumps up and runs away. Thugs chase him with the cattle prods*
Anita (smiling): Now, Contestant Number Two! It's your turn!
Daine (gulps): I pick category-wait! I'm using my phone a friend lifeline-
Numair (in the audience): Call me Daine! Please call me!
Daine (continuing): to call the police, where I will be given the right to remain silent!
*Crowd goes wild. Numair slumps in his seat, disappointed*
Daine: Let's get married, Numair!
Numair (brightening): Okay!
*Men in crowd sigh*
Anita: Ahem. Thank you, Daine. Um...
*Kaddar is running from the thugs with the cattle prods. He bumps into Anita, who promptly kicks him in an unfortunate place*
Kaddar: Umph.
*Kaddar sinks to the ground in pain*
Anita (smiling brightly): Now, Contestant Number Three! Oh yeah, it's the dog.
Audience: Tahoi! Tahoi! Tahoi!
Anita: Pick a category already, mutt!
*Tahoi snarls*
Tahoi: Woof! Woof!
Daine: He says woof.
*Crowd whispers excitedly*
Anita: That's correct! Tahoi, you win-
*Kaddar leaps onto Anita*
Kaddar: But no one can win!
Anita: Well, he-
*At that moment, a gray cat shoots out of Daine's arms and runs across the stage*
Anita: Ick! I'm allergic to cats! Achoo!
Daine: Um...his tail was broken!
*Tahoi leaps out from behind his podium and chases the cat. Kaddar opens the studio door and the cat and dog run out*
Anita: My hero!
*She runs over and jumps in Kaddar's arms. He drops her and runs away. She leaps up and chases him around the studio*
*Audience claps*
Daine: As I am the only remaining survivor, I declare myself winner!
*In the audience, Alanna, Jonathan, and Onua start yelling*
Alanna: YOU!
Jon: CAN'T!
Onua: WI-
Daine: Hey, aren't you sick?
Onua: No, I just watched last week's show and didn't want to be like Bob.
Daine: That's cool.
*Alanna growls and produces a whistle from under her tunic. She blows three short blasts. A band of spear-carrying warrior wood-elves appear, each in a random place in the studio*
Audience Member: Hey, aren't those those elf dudes from before?
Alanna: Attack!
*The elves leap off of there perches and go after Daine. She shrieks and runs out the door*
Numair: Daine! Wait!
*Four of the elves turn on him*
Numair: Aaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
*Offstage, Kitten (a.k.a. the Director) is busy beating her head against the wall*
*Anita walks in through the open door. She lets Numair and Alanna run out, then goes back to the middle of the stage*
Anita: We have the winner!
*Audience goes wild*
Anita: Drumroll, please!
*Drumroll*
Anita: It's .......Warrior wood elf #4!
Warrior wood elf #4: I won?
Anita: Congratulations! You win a yacht, a mansion in Paris, $10,000,000,000,000,000, ten cars of your choice, and a date with Daine!
Daine (sticking her head in the studio): I think not!
Anita: Sigh.
*The Head Grand Chief Warrior Wood Elf appears*
Head Grand Chief Warrior Wood Elf: You have failed me!
Warrior wood elf #4: Oh...sorry?
H.G.C.W.W.E.: I'm afraid that you must now spend ten weeks as the Crocodile Hunter's stunt double!
Warrior wood elf #4: NOOO!!!!!!!! KILL ME NOW!!!!!!
*As Warrior wood elf #4 is dragged away, Anita smiles at the audience*
Anita: Be sure to turn in next week for another great episode of-
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!!!
THE END....of Episode 2!
OK, that was completely insane. I'm sorry to everyone who was greatly disturbed by that.
Including myself.
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the INSANE plot and the warrior wood elves. Tamora Pierce owns her characters, Steve Irwin owns that Croc Hunter name, and....all that, yeah.
OK, and does "You Can't Win!" belong to anyone? Like that name? I think so, but I'm not sure. Well, if it does, then it's yours! Take it!
PLEASE REVIEW!!!!
If you want an episode 3, I'll be glad to write one!
Also, look for You Can't Win! in the Harry Potter section, coming soon!