Disclaimer: I would like to thank Sarah for co-writing this story with me. Also we have to give credit to JK Rowling, Tamora Peirce, Jay-Z, Christina Aguilara, Fred Durst, N'SYNC, Backstreet Boys, Will Smith, Britney Spears, Jordan Knight, and whoever I forgot. Hey Kim!!!!!!!!!!
"Ron! That girl was hot!" Harry exclaimed for the millionth time.
Ron shook his head in a disgusted way. Yes he had seen Harry flirt with that Christina girl throughout the entire Quidditch world cup. He might have been jealous if he hadn't been so utterly disgusted.
"Did you notice anything weird about Hermione?" Harry asked "She seemed a bit, I dunno, distressed."
"Harry, she's a girl," Ron replied. "They're all like that! Hold on, wrestle fight! Whhoooo, whhoooo, whooooo, whhoooo!"
The boys started their wrestling match, which sadly to say, Harry always won. Anyway, let's move on to a little town in Virginia called Charlottesville.
Cynthia Frell and her second cousin (and sort of sister, since they grew up together) Christina Potter were comparing notes on the hot guys at the Quidditch World Cup in Elaina Frell's dorm. They were mostly making fun of Harry Potter (Christina's twin brother), because he had fallen all over Christina at the game. They were also working on a delicate time spell which Professor Anderson had taught them in AP Time Magic at the prestigious American Academy of Magic. Elaina looked up and saw that things were going wrong, and how could she explain to the Muggle dean at the University of Virginia how her room had blown up? She tried to warn the two girls, but it was too late. There was a huge bang, and suddenly blue smoke filled the room. When it cleared, Elaina could make out the sillouettes of several people that hadn't been there before.
"Holy cabooses, that was weird," said a male voice. "Thayet, do you know where we are?"
"Goddess, Jon," snapped a woman's voice. "Will you stop saying holy cabooses please? I mean, Holy cabooses! you said it in front of the Chinese emperor, jeez!"
"Well, just contradict yourself, Alanna. You said said it twice, damn it! And besides, I'm the King of Tortall! You can't tell me what to do! It is the other way around!"
The smoke slowly cleared from the eyes of Chrissy, Cynthia, and Elaina. They saw four people standing in the suddenly minute dorm room. Two were girls, one with jet-black hair and bright hazel eyes, the other with red hair and violet eyes (just like Cynthia). One of the guys had the same jet-black hair with really blue eyes, and the other with brown hair and chestnut eyes. They looked at the three people in the room with quizzical expressions on their faces. They were wearing everyday clothing, but there was just something that wasn't right. Chrissy couldn't put her finger on it.
Harry and Ron stepped off the Hogwarts Express at the station near the school. Hermione was standing at the end of the platform with Parvati and Lavendar. They waved back at the girls, then turned to the limo pulling up beside them. A few short moments later, a foot and the end of a cane came out the door, shortly followed by a tall, pale boy wearing a full-length mink coat and a cow-print hat. He looked like a pimp.
"Draco, you old pimp you," Harry exclaimed in his guy voice. "Look at you! So, did you spend your summer in New York, or was it Vegas?"
"Actually, Harry my man, it was in South Beach. You know, in Miami? Party in the city where the heat is on!"
Harry did the guy greeting, you know the football-like one, and Ron followed suit. The three turned towards the castle.
Back in the US of A, Cynthia and her cousin sat on the bed with a thump. Over the last hour, they had been learning the history of their, well, new friends. Alanna was over in the corner, her red hair pulled up, playing with Elaina's computer. Every time it made a noise, she jumped up and squealed. Gary, having discovered the telephone, was flirting with the operator, while Jonathan was watching MTV, obviously enthralled with Britney Spears' performance at the 2000 VMAs. Thayet was poking buttons on Elaina's stereo, while the Americans looked on in amusement. Suddenly Chrissy's cell phone went off. She answered it, talking in a low tone.
"Ok," she finally announced. "Guess what? We're going on a little vacation!"
"Ooh, are we going to Kocomo?" That stupid outburst was by Jonathan. Everyone turned around to stare at the new king.
"No, you idiot. Hogwarts. You know, the school in England for witches and wizards?"
Next thing, the odd groop found themselves on a Ministry plane headed for London. They then moved by Portkey to Hogwarts.
Harry watched in amazement as Draco strolled into the Great Hall wearing his pimp outfit. Suddenly, "Big Pimpin'" came on magically in the background. The boy strutted around as Dumbledore looked on in horror. Suddenly, his little act was interrupted by a knock on the door. Seven people walked briskly in, and the doors shut behind them. One stepped forward, and pulled her cloak hood down. To Harry's great surprise, it was the girl from the World Cup, Christina. When he stood, her turquoise eyes flicked to him.
"Umm, Harry," she said softly. "There's something I need to tell you. I'm your twin sister."
Before Harry could let this all digest, Draco passed him an open bottle of Jack Daniels. Harry murmured a thanks, then took a huge swig. Snape stood suddenly.
"Draco Malfoy, you .....er ...um....pimp you," he snarled. "You're turning out to be just like your father. Not that that's a bad thing."
Christina stood with her jaw dropped. Quickly, Dumbledore tried to change the subject.
"King Jonathan III of Tortall," he mused. "I've never expected your presence to grace these halls. Oh, and if it isn't the lovely Lady Alanna? I am really pleased to finally meet you. And the beautiful Queen Thayet. Well, and if it isn't Gareth of Naxen. I've heard of your remarkable father."
"Cut the shit with my father, fuck it!" Gary was mad. "I've had enough with hearing about that bastard of a man!"
Dumbledore turned back to Jon. "What the fuck are you and these people doing here?"
"None of your fucking business," was the angry reply. "And I'd suggest keeping your ass out of ours."
"Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck," Snape sang out. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, and even more FUCK!"
The hall was silent, so quiet that the students could hear Peeves up in the Gryffindor Tower screwing things up as usual. Cynthia and Nicole Robinson stood petrified next to the Tortallans, who were pretty confused.
A few days later, the very perverted Nicole had the idea of playing seven minutes in heaven. Cynthia, Chrissy, Alanna, Jon, Gary, and Thayet said no way. Ok, so, they don't want to have any fun. Too bad. Chrissy agreed to go so that if things got out of hand, she'd clear it up. So, back to the story. Harry was walking with Hermione to the Ravenclaw common room where the game was to take place.
"Harry, these games are going to be a little weird," she said a little uncertainly. Jon passed them, shook his head, and moved on. "Ok, now that we're out of his sight, I can tell you what I've been thinking. Oh, Harry, I really...."
Christina and Alanna came down the hallway, following Jon's progress and comparing notes on hot guys.
Harry felt dumbstruck. "Isn't Alanna married? I mean, she is only twenty, but still......God!"
Harry's sister and the knight heard that, and spun around suddenly. The woman's hand went automatically to her waist, and she groped for a sword, then realizing that she didn't have one. Her face grew slightly pink, her violet eyes narrowed dangerously. Harry gulped. Hermione grabbed his hand and led him away towards the Ravenclaws.
They entered the room together, and most of the upperclassmen in the school were assembled in the common room, ready to begin. Ron meandered his way to the pair and grinned. Suddenly, the door behind them slammed open. The Hogwarts students froze, then relaxed when they saw that it was only Thayet and Gary.
"I don't give a damn about Tusaine," the queen of Tortall snapped. "I make the decisions around here! If we want to occupy that valley, then I see no law preventing us from it!"
"Thayet," Gary said a little too patiently. "We don't want to do anything stupid now. I mean, King Roald worked hard for that peace with King Ain. You don't really want to destroy all those years of hard work simply on a whim, now do you?"
They sat in two armchairs and started arguing over William the Conqueror, and what his motives really were. Nicole and Draco looked at each other slyly, then back at the queen and knight. From the back of the room, Parvati nodded at Draco, who whispered in Nicole's ear.
"Ok, Your Highness, Gary, guess what," the girl exclaimed. "You get to go first!"
The Tortallans looked at her blankly. Thayet slowly shook her head as Gary raised his eyebrows. Harry and Ron pushed the two towards the closet and slammed the door behind them. Suddenly, Jonathan and Alanna entered. Jon peered around.
"Where's Thayet," he asked. "I know she and Gary came in here. I need to talk to her about something very, very, very, very, very important."
Nicole giggled. Slowly, very slowly, she pointed towards the door of the closet now magically locked for seven minutes. Six minutes later, Gary and Thayet strolled out, each with a hint of a smile on their faces. Jon and Alanna had left by then, and all the students clapped, whistled and cheered. Next was Harry and Hermione. When they were put into the magic room, each sat down on a side. Finally, Harry came over to Hermione.....
An hour later, Nicole sat looking at her watch. Harry and Hermione had been in there for an hour already!
Being the hopeless pervert that she was, Nicole made a suggestion that they look in the tiny window. When she and Draco looked in, they burst into laughter. Hermione and Harry were making out, and the girl's legs were wrapped around the boy's body. Finally, Harry looked up and saw that he was being observed.
"Holy fuck!" he yelled. "Shit, what are you doing? How long has it been?"
Nicole just smiled.
The next day, Hogwarts buzzed with the latest gossip. Everyone was really amused with Gary and Thayet, but they loved hearing about Harry and Hermione over and over again. Each time the story was a little different. It got worse with each telling, mark my words. Well, the next day, Sirius Black came in to have a little chat with Harry.
Christina was walking down the hallway when she saw her brother's godfather. Waving, he excused himself from a conversation with Alanna and walked over.
"Hello, Chris, how are you?"
"Sirius, what are you doing here?" she asked suspiciously.
He cleared his throat. "Well, I'm here for a little chat with your brother about the little game of seven minutes in heaven that was played here last night."
"Actually, Black, you're wrong," Snape said, passing by. "It's nine minutes in heaven."
"Seven minutes," Sirius yelled. "What an idiot! I mean, I can't believe he thinks he knows what he's talking about. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some business to attend to."
A few minutes later practically the whole school could hear their conversation.
"Harry Potter!" Sirius screamed. "What game do you think your playing at! If your father were here he'd have you locked in a closet for a month!"
"Oh?" McGonagall asked as she stroled by. "And why would this be?"
"Harry just happened to feel Hermione Granger up in a closet during seven minutes in heaven last night!" Sirius retorted.
"That might not be a respectable thing to do." McGonagall said thoughtfully, while she threw a sharp look at Harry. " I highly doubt that James would be angry though. After all I seem to remember breaking up seven minutes in heaven after Lily and James were in the closet for quite some time.
"That childish game really shouldn't be allowed here should it!" McGonagall exlaimed. "I mean honestly, who ever thought of seven minutes in heaven?"
"It's nine minutes. I swear!"
"Shut up snape!" Everyone yelled in unison.
"More like thirty seconds and four days in the hospital wing for you when you went in with Lily." Sirius sniggered.
"Nuh-uh"
"Yuh-hu
" Snape, Black shut up!" McGonagall screeched.
" Lily was quite happy with me in there" Snape said oily "It was James that god jealous!"
Harry and Christina didn't even want to think about that.
"It is nine minutes!"
"God what is his problem?!!" Sirius screamed as he attemted to tear out his own hair in frustruation.
After a bit more yelling the argument subsided. This year Hogwarts was having a special two week break. Harry, Christina, Hermione, Ron, Draco, Jon, Alanna, Thayet, Cynthia, Gary, Nicole, and Parvati decided to spend it in Hawaii.
"Flight 223 for Los Angelos, now departing." The loudspeaker's voice brought Cynthia to a jump. She roused herself, then gently shook Jon, and on her other side, Thayet. The king was mad at his wife for cheating, but he had plans for revenge, don't worry. Harry and Hermione, now being the hottest couple in school, were talking in a corner quietly. Christina and Nicole were playing Egyptian Ratscrew with Gary, and Alanna was flirting with some really hot movie star that looked incredibly familiar. Draco, Ron, and Cynthia were also there, comparing notes on the latest Real World. Alanna sauntered over to Cynthia with a smug smile on her face.
"Justin Timberlake just gave me his number," she said haughtily. "And he said that I was hot! Can you believe it?"
Cynthia raised an eyebow. The young woman obviously had no sense of commitment at all. Oh well, that wasn't her problem, now was it? Thayet looked horrified at the very thought of it! Jon looked down, then smiled. Christina came over, and grabbed Cynthia's arm.
"C'mon, slowpokes, let's go," she whined. "We'll never get to LA if you are so damn slow!"
They followed her onto the plane, which took them to LA from New Yorl, which they had flown into from London. Finally, a long time later, they reached Honolulu, and Hawaii.
"Well, this is it," Christina said. "The best I could get. The Real World house."
"Awesome," Draco yelled. "Does it come with Playboy TV?" He looked ecstatic at the very thought.
Jonathan looked up from the sofa. "Sorry, Draco, but I doubt it. That's on Pay-Per-View, which is horribly expensive."
Alanna ran in from her and Thayet's room, wearing tight leather pants, a shiny silver shirt, and matching silver shoes. "How do I look? I'm going clubbing! Anyone wanna come?"
"I'm in!" Chrissy yelled, and changed into her turquoise tube top and jeans.
After a few minutes of arguing they all agreed to come along. Jonathan followed the two girls out the door, and into the rental Jeep. First they hit Club Paradise. When the got sick of that, they moved on to a rave. Last, the trio entered the Platinum Club.
"Hey, Chrissy, let's make for the bar," Alanna shouted over the Jennifer Lopez music in the background. "C'mon Jon!"
They each had a couple of drinks, then Jonathan dragged Alanna out onto the dance floor. Christina sat on the side, watching the two. They weren't bad, actually. Two guys came to stand next to her. She smiled at them, then turned her attention to the rather provacative song that was on, the Thong Song. One guy turned to her. He had light brown hair and bright hazel eyes. Christina felt a flash of recognition, then it faded.
"Hey, what's up?" he asked her. "Sorry, but you don't look Hawaiian, and this isn't spring break."
She grinned. "I'm here with my friends. They're dancing. I don't have any fun. A whole group of us are renting the Real World house, it's pretty nice, though one guy is kinda mad that it doesn't come with free Playboy TV."
The guy grinned. "Well, that sounds like your typical American guy. Where're your friends."
Christina pointed. His grin faded suddenly, and she looked to see Jon and Alanna dancing a little too, well, risqué for comfort. Chrissy heard her name, and Thayet and Gary walked in, followed by Harry and Hermione. The queen looked at the men standing next to Chrissy and smiled suddenly. They both waved a little, then pointed out to the dance floor. Thayet froze, her face scowling. Christina followed the woman out onto the floor before she could do any serious damage. First, Thayet pulled the music plug, then turned the lights on, and faced her husband and Alanna.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she hissed. "Who the hell do you think you are? Dancing like that with my husband, and......"
Jonathan didn't let her finish. "What about you and Gary in the closet, huh? I know that you played that immature game! Don't think that I'm stupid! You little hypocrite!"
The whole club was silent. The two guys who were standing next to Chrissy at the bar went to talk with Gary. Alanna looked up and saw them, her hand flying to her throat.
"George" she exclaimed surprised. "What in the name of the goddess are you doing here?"
Harry pulled Christina over to where he and Hermione were standing.
They silently pointed at a door marked, "Stage Crew Only." Chrissy nodded. Grabbing Alanna, she raced for the door. When they were backstage, they saw a room full of costumes. One box was marked boy bands. Nicole and Cynthia suddenly appeared practically out of thin air. The boys were digging out *NSYNC costumes, while Chrissy carefully handled a bunch of Backstreet Boys. She looked up as her boyfriend Brett entered, followed by Draco, Ron, and Andy (Nicole's boyfriend).
"Hey guys, let's go," Cynthia shouted. Lavender Brown and Parvati Patil were stepping into the Howie and Kevin suits, while Alanna grabbed Cynthia's arm and they went to find Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera clothes.
Hermione was pulling on plaid pants and a leather halter. Nicole had suggested that they be the Backstreet Girls, AJ (Alexandra Jane), Brianna, Nikki, Katrina, and Hillary. She glanced up quickly as she heard a giggling commotion. Cynthia and Alanna had returned, dressed as the Battle of the Boy Bands co-hosts Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. They had dyed their hair, and were wearing equally whorish outfits, though Britney's was a little more risqué.
Cynthia (Christina) was wearing red leather pants that laced up on the sides the whole way, with a red leather bikini top. Alanna (Britney) was in a black leather string bikini top with the exact same skirt that Britney wore in her Stronger video. Chrissy let out a low whistle, then, gaping at Alanna, pointed towards the club with a mouth that was wide open.
Alanna nodded, an extremely mischievious smile playing on her face. Harry and Brett, who were watching all this, started to crack up. They knew exactly who was out there, and what she meant. Christina looked at her brother with wide eyes, and he covered a snicker. Hermione sauntered over.
"Ok, Britney and Christina, it's show time," she said. "C'mon, Cynthia, you're up first!"
The lights came up as the club went silent. Cynthia walked out, and almost every guy in the place started cheering.
"Hey," she said in a sexy voice. "I'm the winner of the 2000 Grammy Award for Best New Artist, Christina Aguilera! Now, come on over, baby, cause all I want is you!"
"Please welcome co-host Christina Aguilera to the Battle of the Boy Bands," the loudspeaker boomed. "And now, the other host, Miss Britney Spears!"
Alanna sautered out, and stood next to Cynthia, a smug look on her face. "Hey, everyone!" she said. "Oops, I did it again. I'm just so sorry to make you feel stupid, Christina, compared to me. Who cares about the stupid Grammy? I mean, everyone knows, I'm the best, the hottest, and the dream of all the guys in the world is to make it with me!"
This last comment produced loud cheering from the guys in the crowd, well, with the exception of a few. Jonathan and his friends' pale faces were visible to Cynthia even with the bright lights in her eyes.
"Oh, just a tribute to the perfect Britney," Cynthia sang. "Oops, I did it again. I got a new chest, that is way too big. Oh baby, baby! Oops, my surgery went wrong, that's why I look like a cow-how-how-ow. I'm not that talented!"
Alanna stepped back. She picked a cell phone from her waist, and whined into it, "Justin, Justin. Christina Aguilera is making fun of me, and I'm too stupid to have a comeback. What should I say?"
"Now, hosts, it's time to introduce our first boy band. Can you please stop arguing over who's the queen of pop, and get on wth it, puh-lease?" The loudspeaker's voice was a little too patient.
"Of course," Alanna chirped. "Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands in the air for *NSYNC!"
The guys came on the stage jumping and running. They got into a perfect formation, and Digital Get Down came on. Harry as Justin came forward to rap, but his aim was at Alanna. She danced along with him rather provacatively.
Gary, down in the audience, turned to Jon and asked him, "Who's that sexy guy dancing with Alanna?"
George, Jon, Thayet, and Myles said in unison, "What?" At the same time, Raoul looked upset as he asked Gary, "What, am I not good enough anymore?"
The group turned to Raoul with horror and shock on their faces. "Oh my God," Jon muttered. "You gay freak! I can't believe it! Wait a minute, Gary, you just made out with Thayet in a closet! You're bi!"
"Holy shit," Gary muttered. "I never knew Alanna could be so damn sexy!"
"I did," Jon quipped smugly. "I've know for a long time. I've got some very good memories of that"
"Excuse me," George snapped. "I happen to be married to her, let's not forget that, Jonathan and Gary please!"
"Yeah, yeah I know," Jon replied. "But hey, I mean, who was first? You or me? And it looks to me like she's not acting like she's married to you, is she? But I mean, she is a slutty, whorish, tramp."
"I kissed her first," George said stubbornly. "And I know that for a fact. Oh yeah, watch what you're calling her. She might hear it."
"I fucked her first," the king said smugly. "Beat that! And I saw her without her clothes on, a hell of a long time before you did!"
Myles looked horrified. "Can we please not talk about my daughter like that? It puts bad images into my mind."
"Ewww," Thayet squealed. "You think about things like that? I never took you to be a pervert! Besides, everyone knows that I've been in Jonathan's bed more than anyone here!"
Jonathan blushed. "Umm, actually not. I was sort of sleeping with Alanna for two years."
"Most of that time she was in the desert," George muttered darkly. "Without you!"
Up on stage, Digital Get Down was finishing, and they started This I Promise You. Harry was singing on bended knee to "Britney", who was blushing furiously. When the song ended, Harry stood up.
"Britney, I have something to tell you," he said in an apologetic voice. "All this time, I've been leading you on. I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with Brian from the Backstreet Boys." He walked offstage, and came back on holding Hermione's hand.
"Ewww, you perv!" Alanna squealed. "All these years, you've been leading me on! Get out of my sight, you freaky homo! Well, it's too bad, cause I've always liked Chris anyway."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, girlie," Andy (Chris) said. "Everyone knows I'm with Nick."
"Well fine then," she stammered. "I'll just go find my cousin and stare at him for a few hours like I did in the Baby One More Time video!" She stomped offstage, soon followed by Cynthia.
"I'm going to find Fred Durst," she announced as she strolled off. "See ya'll later!" She winked, and was gone.
*NSYNC started to sing No Strings Attached, and when they were done, Britney came back on, a very sullen look on her face. Christina returned with half of her pants unlaced, and her makeup all messy, her hair in dissray.
"Thank you *NSYNC!" Cynthia said excitedly into the microphone. "Now, ladies and gentlemen of Hawaii, give it up for the Backstreet Boys!"
"Hey! That's my line!" Alanna cried.
Before Cynthia could respond the Backstreet "Boys" walked on to the stage.
"Well since the opening songs for the night have all been perverted; Digital get Down, and Christina's version of Oops I did it Again I guess that we'll start with another one!" Hermione said seductivly into her microphone.
"If you want it to be good girl get yourself a.............BAD BOY!" They all sang.
After the rather inappropriate song finished, they sang " I'll never break your heart" and "Backstreet's Back".
They took a final bow and ran off the stage. Cynthia and Alanna emerged, Alanna waving a golden envelope.
"All right all you boy band fans!" Alanna cried. "The winner for the Battle Of the Boy Bands is...................."
"Wait!" Cynthia cried interrupting Alanna.
"Oh what is it!?" Alanna exclaimed, obviously annoyed.
"I really think that I should get to read it!" Cynthia quipped
"Yeah, over my dead body!"
"Maybe that will have to be the case!" Cynthia retorted with malice in her voice.
Before anyone could say a word the light's went out and they heard a blood curdling scream. The light's went back on and Cynthia was standing there with a cheesy grin on her face.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" She boomed. "The winner for the Battle of the Boy Band's is.........................................New Kid's On The Block!"
"Huh? What? They aren't even here!" The audience cried.
"Yeah we are!" Someone yelled.
Jonathan, George, Gary, Raoul, and Numair ran onto the stage dressed in eighty's clothing. They sang "Right Stuff" to tremendous applause and ran off the stage.
"That's it guy's shows over!" Cynthia called. "Have a great night!"
She took a final bow and ran off the stage.
A few short moments later she came back with a sheepish grin. "Sorry I forgot. Tonight we have to very special guests here to sing a little song for us as the grand finale! Come on out, er, ladies!"
Two young women walked onto the stage. They were wearing pretty pink and blue matching dresses. One of them had long wavy brown hair and the other had short blond hair.
"Hehehehe! Hiya!" the brown haired one exclaimed. "We're M2M!"
The two girls then started to sing "Mirror Mirror" while rolling around on the floor pretending to sob. All of a sudden a little squishy ball rolled across the stage.
"OH NO!" squealed the blonde " I think I've lost something!"
She ran across the stage aftter the ball, her flat side visible to the crowd.
" Brett!" Harry exclaimed annoyed from the floor. "Did you forget to put on your bra?"
The audience gasped. It was Harry and Brett all along.
"Er, goodnight folks" Harry said as they ran off the stage.
To Be Continued.............
