One day, an author had been reading too many Eva fics. He had also recently developed a distaste for Asuka. And then there was the idea for a psuedo-self-insert fic. The result, well, read it; that's what you're here for!
ANI will not make use of indents in any further postings, simply because it's a BITCH to get indents to work correctly in HTML.
#numbers indicate actions#
[brackets indicate thought]
/AN
If you are wondering what the AN and /AN things mean, I suggest you learn basic HTML.
Disclaimer: (insert standard eva disclaimer here; I don't own these characters, wish I did, Anno and Gainax own them, blah blah blah)
NOW FOR THE FIC!!!
ASUKA: Asshole! Get up now!
SHINJI: Sorry…
ASUKA: Nevermind, hurry up or we'll be late…again!
About this time, the author was watching the three lines that had been written and decided to move things along so he could get to the juicy part.
Later on, at school, after Hikari's "Stand! Bow! Sit!" routine, Shinji was trying to stay conscious, but to no avail. The author took this opportunity to quietly slip into Shinji's body and have some fun. ^_^
SHINJI: AAHHGG!!!
Well, so much for a quiet entrance. Shinji arched his back as I forcefully put my consciousness in there along with his, although mine took over.
SHINJI: [What the hell!?]
ME: [Shut up, bitch.]
SHINJI: [Sorry…]
ME: [Better]
I said as I took a look around with my newfound body. Fortunately, I am still the author and thus retain my God-like powers over my world. I took a look around again and took a minute or two to get used to the new body.
After class, I was talking to Touji and Kensuke about what they were doing this weekend.
ME: So what have you guys got planned?
TOUJI: I'm going to the hospital to visit my sister
Touji said, watching a group of girls walk past.
KENSUKE: I'm going to continue hacking deeper into the pentagon's computers.
Kensuke said, still typing away at his computer.
ME: You do realize that it's all in English and you can't understand most of it, don't you?
KENSUKE: …
ME: Figures.
Later on, while I was walking home, Asuka, aka Demon-bitch, caught up with me.
ASUKA: Hey baka! Wait for me!
ME: …
ASUKA: I said wait!
She finally got beside me as I kept walking.
ASUKA: Respond to me when I speak to you baka!
ME: Bite me, whorebag.
ASUKA: !!!
ME: You heard me fuckrag, Bite me.
ASUKA: HOW DARE YOU!
ME: Quite easily, actually.
ASUKA: I should kill you for that!
ME: Actually you couldn't kill me even if you stepped on me with your Eva. You see, I'm the author, and as such, exercise God-like power over everything. For example, I just changed your name to Bob.
BOB: WHAT!!! CHANGE IT BACK BAKA!! JUST CAUSE YOU'RE THE AUTHOR DOESN'T GIVE YOU THAT RIGHT!!!!
ME: Sure it does, look, even your name in the script is changed.
BOB: AAARRGGG!!!!
Later after Bob and I
BOB: MY NAME IS ASUKA LANGLEY SORHYU! GET IT RIGHT BAKA!
ME: BEFORE I WAS RUDELY INTERRUPTED!!
BOB: (under her breath) baka...
#AHEM# Later, after Bob and I had gotten home, Bob went to do her homework. Whereas I had none. Solely because I am the author, as well as the fact that it's summer and I'm not in school as it is.
Then Misato came home.
ME: Hey there sweet cheeks.
MISATO: Shinji? Are you feeling ok?
ME: Oh! Sorry, I forgot to tell you. I'm not Shinji, well, not mentally at least. See I'm the author and I decided to have a little fun with your world today. Shinji's in here, he's just sitting in the back of my mind, annoying me. Although I'm trying to teach him something, he just doesn't wanna listen. Stupid baka.
MISATO: Oh....#walks away#
ME: Oh well. Back to the tube.
MISATO: Hello Bob! How's the homework?
BOB: MY NAME IS ASUKA!!
MISATO: No....I'm pretty sure your name is Bob.
BOB: AAARRRGGGG!!!!
(Insert random scene change here)
I was at NERV HQ undergoing the usual sync tests when an alarm went off.
RITSUKO: Everyone, there's an angel attack. We need Shinji, Rei, and Bob to go kill the angel.
BOB: MY NAME IS ASUKA GODDAMNIT!!!!!!!
RITSUKO: .....On second thought, let's keep Bob here until she calms down...
BOB: It's all the authors fault! He changed my name to Bob!
RITSUKO: Misato, what is she talking about?
MISATO: I have no clue. She claims her name is Asuka, but we all know her to be Bob. Yup, looks like she's finally gone nuts.
REI: I have to concur with the author on this issue.
ALL-author: ???
REI: I was speaking with the author and he had quite a few things to say about you Bob.
BOB: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! MY NAME IS ASUKA!!
ME: .....Riiiiight....
REI: Nevertheless, I would be interested in seeing the author in action. It is not very often that a deity fights alongside his minions.
ME: Yupperz!
RITSUKO: What the hell are you talking about?
REI: The entity inhabiting Shinji-kun's body is the author of this story. He is, in effect, God.
ME: I've always like you Rei.
REI: Thanks, stud.
ALL: !!!
REI: Didn't anyone tell you? The author was a real nice guy so he gave me a personality. Maybe you won't hate me now Ritsuko?
RITSUKO: I am this close #holds fingers veeery close together# to killing you in that plug.
REI: AAH!
ME: Don't worry Rei, she can't hurt you unless I let her.
RITSUKO: That's what you think.
ME: Hmmm?
RITSUKO: (maniacal laughter) #pushes button labeled, "kill current Rei".#
REI: #dies#
ME: !!! #punches through the glass of the observation room# YOU LITTLE BITCH!!
RITSUKO: HELP!!
ME: #crushes Ritsuko in 01's hand.# HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
MISATO: Didn't we have an angel to worry about?
ME: Oh yeah...
(Misato moves to the battle room (where she always is during a battle) Rei is resurrected and brought to the surface along with the author.)
ME: It's fun playing God!
GOD: Don't make me get heavenly on yo ass!
ME: Sorry God...
(Evas 00 and 01 are walking around the city, looking for the angel)
ME: Wait just a damned minute #puts world on pause# isn't an angel a gigantic, butt-ugly, hell-spawn sent to destroy this one city?
REI: Well, yes.
ME: So why the hell are we walking around looking for it when it's about as hard to miss as an elephant on your front step? Shouldn't we see it as soon as we get up here?
REI: Yes...we should see it....
ME: But....
MISATO: This is what we like to call a "plot hole". It really makes no sense for you not to spot the angel right away, but this is a half hour show, and we need to kill time.
ME: Remind me to take a visit to Japan when I get back to my reality.
MISATO: Yes sir.
REI: Umm... could you unpause the world, it kinda sucks just standing not being able to move, and I did spot the angel five minutes ago, but like Misato said, we have to kill time.
ME: Fine. #unpause#
REI: Thanks.
ME: No problem.
REI: Since you gave me a personality, maybe we could get together after the battle and relax?
ME: Umm... #blushes a pinkish red#
REI: PINK?!
ME: Whoops! #blushes a dark shade of red#
REI: Better, you're just a hunk o' burnin' love ain't yha?
ME: Umm...Rei? Please remember that lots of people will be reading this, as well as my friends, so I would advise you to keep those to a minimum.
REI: Sure thing baby.
ME: This personality thing may not be as good an idea as I intended...
REI: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.
MISATO: #laughing hysterically#
ME & REI: O_O
REI: There's the angel.
ME: Hey, lemme see if I can talk him out of it.
REI: Why?
ME: Cause it just might work, and besides, since I'm the author, I am invincible.
MISATO: Point.
ME: #walks calmly up to the angel# Umm, excuse me, mister angel, but ummm, I was wondering why you are bent on destroying the city?
ANGEL: My GOD! No one has ever asked me that! Now that I think about it, I don't really know why I'm attacking the city.
NETWORK EXECUTIVE: Because it's in your contract!
ANGEL: Oh yeah....
ME: Umm, well how about we say that you wasted half the city, then we finally beat you, and you can hide out in the bowels of NERV.
ANGEL: Why would I hang out in the urinary tract of NERV?
ME: No I mean you could hang out in the basement where none of the executives can get at you, and you'll be free of your contract.
REI: Studmuffin here has a point Mr. Angel, the basements at NERV are quite clean, and they even have HBO.
ANGEL: #Considers# I think I'll take you up on that. Lead the way!
MISATO: ....That...was too damn easy.
ME: But it worked did it not? And Rei?
REI: Yes, honey buns?
ME: Please stop that.
REI: Fine! Be that way! See if you ever get laid!
ME: Well I probably forgot to tell you that I find blue hair incredibly sexy.
REI: Really?
ME: Really. [Please God, let her buy this! I just want her to shut up! She may be my favorite character, but JUST MAKE HER SHUT UP!]
REI: Oh you do love me! #Rei's eva hugs mine#
ME: [Oh shit.]
MISATO: Well with the angel out of the way, and little damage to the city, all seems to be in order.
ME: Ok, now can we get out of these things? LCL isn't really all it's cracked up to be.
MISATO: Alright.
After we get back down, I decide that I've had enough of this.
ME: [Shinji!]
SHINJI: [What?]
ME: [I'm putting you back in the proverbial drivers seat, but be warned, Asuka's name is now Bob, and Rei has a personality and is on you like flies on shit.]
SHINJI:[Uh oh...]
And with that I left Shinji's body and returned to the real world, a little wiser for my troubles.
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AN
Well I hope you like that, I had fun writing it. Please review. If I get enough reviews (4), then I'll do another character. It may or may not be from Eva though.
/AN