Writer's Notes: There is a sequel to this on Fanfiction.net as well. It's posted in Game Crossovers, because a non-Final Fantasy villain makes an appearance...
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Announcer: Ladies and gentleman! Boys and girls! Are you excited?
Audience: Yay!
Announcer: Good! Because tonight, we're bringing you the ultimate battle! No rules, just all out chaos!
Audience: Yay!
Announcer: In one corner, 5'2" tall, weighing in at 80 lbs, plus another 40 lbs for all those clothes he wears, Kefka!
*Kefka walks into the arena as "Send in the Clowns" starts playing. Kefka takes his place in the ring, and a group of clowns and mimes leap into the ring and start dancing back and forth.*
Announcer: And, in the other corner, 6'8" tall, weighing in at 170 lbs, the One Winged Angel himself, Sephiroth!
*One Winged Angel starts blasting through the speakers as Sephiroth walks into the arena, wearing sunglasses and a large robe, as well as a pair of boxing gloves. Sephiroth hops into the ring as girls crowd around, and a group of cheerleaders wearing costumes with the letter "S" on it start cheering. Sephiroth starts punching into the air with the gloves, as the music changes to Eye of the Tiger.*
Sephiroth: Haha! Puny clown boy! I have much better boxing skills than you!
Announcer: Sephiroth, this is NOT a boxing match.
Sephiroth: Oh. Sorry.
*Sephiroth throws boxing gloves off.*
Kefka: Haha! Crazy fool! Do you wear your sunglasses at night?
*Sephiroth reaches up, and lifts the sunglasses from his face. Then, holding them in his fist, he crushes them, and throws the pieces to the ground. He then pulls off his boxing robe, and has a pair of shorts on and no shirt. Most of the females in the audience suddenly faint.*
Female Audience Member: Sephy! I love you!
Sephiroth: Thank you, thank you. I'm beautiful, yes I am.
Kefka: Oh yeah! Well I'm pretty damn sexy with no shirt on either!
*Kefka takes off his shirt, and suddenly everyone starts screaming. He then puts it back on.*
Kefka: Bastards...
Announcer: Now can we get this fight started?
Kefka: Sure.
Sephiroth: Sounds good to me.
Announcer: Okay. Now, the referee in this fight will be Cait Sith.
Audience: Boooooo!
Cait Sith: Oh, shut up you idiots!
Locke: Hey, wait a minute, I thought there were no rules!
Announcer: Locke, shut up! You're not in this story!
Locke: I know, but it's true!
Announcer: Yeah, well the writer just had to put Cait Sith in at some point, and he was hoping people wouldn't notice! You ruined it!
Locke: Oh. Sorry writer.
Writer: That's okay.
Announcer: Okay, now you both know the rules...
Kefka: No, you haven't told us them yet...
Announcer: Exactly. Now, FIGHT!
*Cait Sith backs away as Kefka rushes at Sephiroth. Kefka tries to punch him, but Sephiroth simply stretches out his arm and sets it on Kefka's head, holding him back as Kefka swings. Sephiroth yawns.*
Kefka: Come...here...you...little...bastard!
Sephiroth: This is getting boring.
*Sephiroth pounds down on Kefka's head, and Kefka is squashed right into the mat, with only his head sticking out.*
Kefka: Hey! I'd like to see you try that one again!
Sephiroth: Fine by me.
*Sephiroth grabs Kefka by the head, yanks him out of the mat, and then shoves him right back in. He then leaps up into the air, and positions himself right above Kefka.*
Kefka: Uh oh.
*Sephiroth belly flops onto Kefka's head.*
Announcer: Ouch! That has to hurt folks!
*Sephiroth gets up. Kefka is completely flattened. He grabs him by the head, and yanks him out of the mat. He then throws him against the side of the ring. Kefka manages to get up.*
Sephiroth: Man, you're a weakling. Hey! I got an idea! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
*Sephiroth starts running after Cait Sith, who tries running away. Eventually he is caught. Sephiroth takes Cait's microphone, and orders the mechanical moogle to go over and pounce on Kefka. It does, as Sephiroth plays Cait like an accordian. He then rolls him up into the shape of a football, and sets him on the ground.*
Cait Sith: Why do I always get the bad parts?
Sephiroth: Hut...hut...HIKE!
Cait Sith: Aww shit.
*Sephiroth kicks Cait through the air, and he goes soaring out of the arena.*
Audience: Yay!
*Sephiroth grabs the moogle, which is still jumping on top of Kefka, and throws it outside of the ring.*
Sephiroth: Did ya miss me?
*Sephiroth sets Kefka up against the side post, and begins to beat the living crap out of him. He punches Kefka over and over again for about two hours.*
Sephiroth: Still...*breath*..haven't...*pant*...given up, eh?
Kefka: Never! Haha! Never!
*Sephiroth jumps backwards, away from Kefka, into the middle of the ring.*
Sephiroth: I WILL FINISH YOU NOW!
*Sephiroth reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny black materia.*
Sephiroth: I SUMMON METEOR!!
*The rock begins glowing. Sephiroth begins to levitate inches off the ground, and holds the rock above his head, his hands raised to the sky.*
Sephiroth: BWAHAHAHAHA! Power! I will destroy you now!
*The entire arena gets dark as the shadow of a huge meteor blocks out the sun. The meteor is big enough to destroy the entire world. The materia stops glowing, and Sephiroth lands on the ground. Everyone stares into the sky as the meteor floats, not seeming to move.*
Announcer: I don't care what anyone says about Sephiroth; that's just damn sweet.
Audience Member: It's not moving!
*The meteor moves about an inch closer.*
Other Audience Member: No, it's getting closer!
*Kefka starts tapping his foot on the ground.*
Kefka: Can we hurry this up a little Sephiroth? I mean, if I'm gonna die, might as well make it quick, right?
Sephiroth: *Staring up at meteor.* Give it time, Kefka, give it time. Haste makes waste, you know.
Kefka: Actually, Haste can be very useful when up against difficult enemies.
Sephiroth: Oh, shut up.
*The sun sets, and then rises. It sets again, and rises once more.*
Kefka: This is getting way too boring.
Sephiroth: It's getting closer! It's almost here!
Kefka: Blah! Die scum!
*Kefka shoots his light of judgement at Sephiroth. Sephiroth is instantly vaporized.*
Sephiroth: Noooo!
Kefka: Haha! I'm the champion! I win! I win!
Announcer: This is a sad day...
*All the female audience members start crying.*
Kefka: But...everyone loves me! I'm Kefka! The world's lovable clown!
Audience: Boo!
*Kefka drops to the ground and starts crying. Suddenly, meteor hits earth, and everyone in the arena is instantly killed. Outside of the arena, Cait Sith is crouched on the ground, hands over his eyes, crying.*
Cait Sith: Everybody hates me! They all do! I have no friends!
*Suddenly, Cait Sith realizes what happened, and that he's still alive.*
Cait Sith: I'm alive? I'm alive! Hahaha! Woohoo! Take that you pieces of shit! Yeah! Who's booing now! BOOO! BOOO ON YOU! HAHA! I'm the king of the world!
*A small rock that had broken off of meteor falls from the sky, and smacks Cait Sith on the head. Cait falls backwards to the ground and dies.*
Locke: Now that was cruel.
Writer: Yeah yeah. Who cares.
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Announcer: Ladies and gentleman! Boys and girls! Are you excited?
Audience: Yay!
Announcer: Good! Because tonight, we're bringing you the ultimate battle! No rules, just all out chaos!
Audience: Yay!
Announcer: In one corner, 5'2" tall, weighing in at 80 lbs, plus another 40 lbs for all those clothes he wears, Kefka!
*Kefka walks into the arena as "Send in the Clowns" starts playing. Kefka takes his place in the ring, and a group of clowns and mimes leap into the ring and start dancing back and forth.*
Announcer: And, in the other corner, 6'8" tall, weighing in at 170 lbs, the One Winged Angel himself, Sephiroth!
*One Winged Angel starts blasting through the speakers as Sephiroth walks into the arena, wearing sunglasses and a large robe, as well as a pair of boxing gloves. Sephiroth hops into the ring as girls crowd around, and a group of cheerleaders wearing costumes with the letter "S" on it start cheering. Sephiroth starts punching into the air with the gloves, as the music changes to Eye of the Tiger.*
Sephiroth: Haha! Puny clown boy! I have much better boxing skills than you!
Announcer: Sephiroth, this is NOT a boxing match.
Sephiroth: Oh. Sorry.
*Sephiroth throws boxing gloves off.*
Kefka: Haha! Crazy fool! Do you wear your sunglasses at night?
*Sephiroth reaches up, and lifts the sunglasses from his face. Then, holding them in his fist, he crushes them, and throws the pieces to the ground. He then pulls off his boxing robe, and has a pair of shorts on and no shirt. Most of the females in the audience suddenly faint.*
Female Audience Member: Sephy! I love you!
Sephiroth: Thank you, thank you. I'm beautiful, yes I am.
Kefka: Oh yeah! Well I'm pretty damn sexy with no shirt on either!
*Kefka takes off his shirt, and suddenly everyone starts screaming. He then puts it back on.*
Kefka: Bastards...
Announcer: Now can we get this fight started?
Kefka: Sure.
Sephiroth: Sounds good to me.
Announcer: Okay. Now, the referee in this fight will be Cait Sith.
Audience: Boooooo!
Cait Sith: Oh, shut up you idiots!
Locke: Hey, wait a minute, I thought there were no rules!
Announcer: Locke, shut up! You're not in this story!
Locke: I know, but it's true!
Announcer: Yeah, well the writer just had to put Cait Sith in at some point, and he was hoping people wouldn't notice! You ruined it!
Locke: Oh. Sorry writer.
Writer: That's okay.
Announcer: Okay, now you both know the rules...
Kefka: No, you haven't told us them yet...
Announcer: Exactly. Now, FIGHT!
*Cait Sith backs away as Kefka rushes at Sephiroth. Kefka tries to punch him, but Sephiroth simply stretches out his arm and sets it on Kefka's head, holding him back as Kefka swings. Sephiroth yawns.*
Kefka: Come...here...you...little...bastard!
Sephiroth: This is getting boring.
*Sephiroth pounds down on Kefka's head, and Kefka is squashed right into the mat, with only his head sticking out.*
Kefka: Hey! I'd like to see you try that one again!
Sephiroth: Fine by me.
*Sephiroth grabs Kefka by the head, yanks him out of the mat, and then shoves him right back in. He then leaps up into the air, and positions himself right above Kefka.*
Kefka: Uh oh.
*Sephiroth belly flops onto Kefka's head.*
Announcer: Ouch! That has to hurt folks!
*Sephiroth gets up. Kefka is completely flattened. He grabs him by the head, and yanks him out of the mat. He then throws him against the side of the ring. Kefka manages to get up.*
Sephiroth: Man, you're a weakling. Hey! I got an idea! Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
*Sephiroth starts running after Cait Sith, who tries running away. Eventually he is caught. Sephiroth takes Cait's microphone, and orders the mechanical moogle to go over and pounce on Kefka. It does, as Sephiroth plays Cait like an accordian. He then rolls him up into the shape of a football, and sets him on the ground.*
Cait Sith: Why do I always get the bad parts?
Sephiroth: Hut...hut...HIKE!
Cait Sith: Aww shit.
*Sephiroth kicks Cait through the air, and he goes soaring out of the arena.*
Audience: Yay!
*Sephiroth grabs the moogle, which is still jumping on top of Kefka, and throws it outside of the ring.*
Sephiroth: Did ya miss me?
*Sephiroth sets Kefka up against the side post, and begins to beat the living crap out of him. He punches Kefka over and over again for about two hours.*
Sephiroth: Still...*breath*..haven't...*pant*...given up, eh?
Kefka: Never! Haha! Never!
*Sephiroth jumps backwards, away from Kefka, into the middle of the ring.*
Sephiroth: I WILL FINISH YOU NOW!
*Sephiroth reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny black materia.*
Sephiroth: I SUMMON METEOR!!
*The rock begins glowing. Sephiroth begins to levitate inches off the ground, and holds the rock above his head, his hands raised to the sky.*
Sephiroth: BWAHAHAHAHA! Power! I will destroy you now!
*The entire arena gets dark as the shadow of a huge meteor blocks out the sun. The meteor is big enough to destroy the entire world. The materia stops glowing, and Sephiroth lands on the ground. Everyone stares into the sky as the meteor floats, not seeming to move.*
Announcer: I don't care what anyone says about Sephiroth; that's just damn sweet.
Audience Member: It's not moving!
*The meteor moves about an inch closer.*
Other Audience Member: No, it's getting closer!
*Kefka starts tapping his foot on the ground.*
Kefka: Can we hurry this up a little Sephiroth? I mean, if I'm gonna die, might as well make it quick, right?
Sephiroth: *Staring up at meteor.* Give it time, Kefka, give it time. Haste makes waste, you know.
Kefka: Actually, Haste can be very useful when up against difficult enemies.
Sephiroth: Oh, shut up.
*The sun sets, and then rises. It sets again, and rises once more.*
Kefka: This is getting way too boring.
Sephiroth: It's getting closer! It's almost here!
Kefka: Blah! Die scum!
*Kefka shoots his light of judgement at Sephiroth. Sephiroth is instantly vaporized.*
Sephiroth: Noooo!
Kefka: Haha! I'm the champion! I win! I win!
Announcer: This is a sad day...
*All the female audience members start crying.*
Kefka: But...everyone loves me! I'm Kefka! The world's lovable clown!
Audience: Boo!
*Kefka drops to the ground and starts crying. Suddenly, meteor hits earth, and everyone in the arena is instantly killed. Outside of the arena, Cait Sith is crouched on the ground, hands over his eyes, crying.*
Cait Sith: Everybody hates me! They all do! I have no friends!
*Suddenly, Cait Sith realizes what happened, and that he's still alive.*
Cait Sith: I'm alive? I'm alive! Hahaha! Woohoo! Take that you pieces of shit! Yeah! Who's booing now! BOOO! BOOO ON YOU! HAHA! I'm the king of the world!
*A small rock that had broken off of meteor falls from the sky, and smacks Cait Sith on the head. Cait falls backwards to the ground and dies.*
Locke: Now that was cruel.
Writer: Yeah yeah. Who cares.