If Only Memories Could be Erased As Easily [Chapter 3]
Note: (This scene with Tony and Lucas takes place at the same time that the Doctor summoned Bridger.)
*~*
Lucas sighed as he glanced up at Tony, noting his haggard expression and growing concern in his eyes. His eyes seemed to plead with Lucas, asking him to tell him all his secrets and all his pain.
Lucas shook his head to clear his mind of its cobwebs and winced as he placed his left palm against his sweating forehead. The coldness of his skin was a momentary refreshment at best.
"Well, a year or so before I came on SeaQuest, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. All "hushhush", mind you. It would hurt my father's reputation if any of the reporters found out," his cheeks blushed in embarrassment as he quietly spoke, refusing to meet Tony's eyes.
At Tony's continued silence, he rushed on ahead, forcing himself to get it all over with as quickly as possible. "When my father found out, he got mad. Very mad. And he... did stuff. Physical, as well as mental stuff." Lucas said the last two words so quietly that Tony had to lean forward to hear his remark.
Tony's raised an eyebrow, asking simply, "Did he touch you, Luke?" Lucas shook
his head meekly as he drew in a shuddered breath.
"No. Not like that. But he'd hurt me. You remember the last shore leave, right?"
Tony nodded in agreement, his eyes darkening as he finally put the facts together - Lucas disappearing, only to come back seemingly injured, though he hid it well from the crew.
"And the nightmares?" Tony asked quietly.
Lucas looked up in surprise, meeting his friends eyes for the first time.
"Nightmares?" he asked slowly, forming each syllable of the word as if they were their own word in and of themselves. "You...knew?" he asked carefully, balancing each word.
Tony nodded, sadly. "But I didn't hear them all. Only enough to know something was up, but I wasn't sure what." Tony ran his fingers through his hair, and quietly asked, his voice a mere whisper of hinted pain, "Lucas?"
Lucas looked at Tony's expression - his eyes were masked in clouds of angry remorse. "Yeah?"
"I'm sorry that I didn't ask you what was going on before, Luke. I mean... I thought it was your own private business, that I shouldn't interfere. But the signs have always been there, for me. I just chose to ignore them. I thought what I was doing was right. And I was so wrong." He sighed, ashamed. "I'm sorry," he repeated once more, much softer.
"It was my own private business," Lucas retorted. "But... thank you, for everything." He signed and stood up. His words were whisper soft, his posture hinting at defeat as he walked over to the entrance to their shared room. "I'm going to go clear my head, man. I'll be back later, okay?" Tony nodded, worried, but held back his tongue.
"See you soon, Lucas." And with that, Lucas quietly stepped out, his form retreating as his footsteps echoed the halls, getting softer and softer as distance was put between him and Tony.
*~*
Bridger found his pace quicker than normal as he hurried to Lucas' room. He barely noted the crewmembers that said hello as he passed, his mind intently focusing on getting the full - and entire - story from Lucas as soon as possible.
'The corridors seem longer now that I have to hurry to my destination,' the Captain thought with a sigh.
His thoughts were a jumbled mess. 'Damnit, I knew something was up,' he chastised himself. 'I knew... But I didn't push him hard enough.'
'Don't be so hard on yourself, Nathan,' another voice replied from the gray matter of his tortured mind. 'How do you know that your pushing him hard wouldn't result in him falling off the edge, and into the abyss, never to be seen or heard from again?'
Bridger sighed as he doubled his pace even more than before. He was not yet running, but he was close. It was a brisk pace, a powerwalk, if you will. His shoes made clanking sounds as he rushed to Lucas' room, but he ignored them.
Finally, he saw his goal in sight. He hurried to his door, not waiting to see if anyone was there.
"Lucas?" he asked before the door was even completely open.
He stopped short as he noticed Tony sitting against the wall, his shoulders slumped and his eyes closed. At the sound of Bridger's entrance, he whipped his head up and studied the Captain intently.
"Oh, Captain, Sir." He stood up on wobbly legs, trying to come to attention quickly.
"At ease," Nathan said quickly. 'I'll have none of that right now,' he thought to himself with an inward sigh. "I just came to see where Lucas was."
"Oh, Lucas." Tony sat back down, rubbing his temple with his finger gently before speaking. "He went somewhere to clear his head."
"Do you know where?" Bridger asked softly, trying to keep the concern out of his voice as he spoke gently.
Tony shook his head quietly as he leaned back again. 'Must be tired,' Bridger thought to himself.
"Are you okay, Tony?" the Captain asked gently, hoping that his use of Tony's first name would give him a better response.
Tony nodded without opening his eyes. "Yes, sir. I have a headache. It's been a long day..." he spoke quietly. "I have a great many things to think about, Captain."
'You and I both,' Bridger thought to himself. Out loud, he said, "Perhaps you should go see the doctor before you returned to duty."
"I took today off, sir." Bridger assumed that Tony took the day off because he didn't feel well, not realizing Tony took the day off for Lucas.
"Very well. Get a good night's sleep tonight." He quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him.
*~*
Lucas closed his eyes as he gently guided a hand through the calm waters of the moonpool. He didn't know where Darwin was, but he was enjoying the silence right now.
The gentle flow of water soothed his soul, although it didn't heal it.
'Nothing could,' Lucas thought bitterly.
He opened his eyes, letting himself be lost in the cyan color of the water as it sparkled from the lighting. He gently lifted up his hand, letting the tiny droplets of water seep through his fingers as he brought the hand to his face, wiping it gently against his face.
Suddenly, he flung his hand into the water, causing a huge spray of water to land on the other side of the moonpool.
...And on an officer's shoes. He looked up quickly, ready to apologize for his angry outburst that was supposed to be private, when he recognized the person before him.
"Turning into Darwin?" Bridger joked hoarsely, realizing that the joke seemed hollow to them both right now. He sighed very softly under his breath and took a small step closer.
"Kiddo, we need to talk..." He phrased it as bluntly as he could, hoping to get through to Lucas.
"No we don't. I have had enough shrinks," Lucas replied angrily. "Why won't everyone just leave me alone! I can deal with this myself!" He stood up as he slowly spoke the last sentence, taking a step away from the Captain with each word. He turned and fled the room.
He didn't even look back, keeping his eyes forward as he ran.
Nathan sighed to himself and walked closer to the pool, opting not to follow the distraught boy. 'Not yet,' he added. 'I need to give him time to open up to me.'
He stepped around a few puddles that Lucas had inadvertently created with his outburst, and, just like Lucas had done moments before privately, gently placed his fingertips into the water, letting the coolness of the water touch his skin.
He tried to grasp the cold water in his hands, but it stubbornly refused to be held, to be brought close to the saddened Captain. Time after time, it slipped out of his fingers, until finally, in frustration, the Captain gave up and wiped the droplets of remaining water onto the pants of his uniform.
'Why does that remind me of Lucas?' he thought as he sighed loudly, not caring who heard.
And he walked away, leaving the room as quietly as he entered. Only the puddles on the floor stayed behind to remind anyone of what had happened just then.
And in time, they too would disappear.
tbc
Note: (This scene with Tony and Lucas takes place at the same time that the Doctor summoned Bridger.)
*~*
Lucas sighed as he glanced up at Tony, noting his haggard expression and growing concern in his eyes. His eyes seemed to plead with Lucas, asking him to tell him all his secrets and all his pain.
Lucas shook his head to clear his mind of its cobwebs and winced as he placed his left palm against his sweating forehead. The coldness of his skin was a momentary refreshment at best.
"Well, a year or so before I came on SeaQuest, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. All "hushhush", mind you. It would hurt my father's reputation if any of the reporters found out," his cheeks blushed in embarrassment as he quietly spoke, refusing to meet Tony's eyes.
At Tony's continued silence, he rushed on ahead, forcing himself to get it all over with as quickly as possible. "When my father found out, he got mad. Very mad. And he... did stuff. Physical, as well as mental stuff." Lucas said the last two words so quietly that Tony had to lean forward to hear his remark.
Tony's raised an eyebrow, asking simply, "Did he touch you, Luke?" Lucas shook
his head meekly as he drew in a shuddered breath.
"No. Not like that. But he'd hurt me. You remember the last shore leave, right?"
Tony nodded in agreement, his eyes darkening as he finally put the facts together - Lucas disappearing, only to come back seemingly injured, though he hid it well from the crew.
"And the nightmares?" Tony asked quietly.
Lucas looked up in surprise, meeting his friends eyes for the first time.
"Nightmares?" he asked slowly, forming each syllable of the word as if they were their own word in and of themselves. "You...knew?" he asked carefully, balancing each word.
Tony nodded, sadly. "But I didn't hear them all. Only enough to know something was up, but I wasn't sure what." Tony ran his fingers through his hair, and quietly asked, his voice a mere whisper of hinted pain, "Lucas?"
Lucas looked at Tony's expression - his eyes were masked in clouds of angry remorse. "Yeah?"
"I'm sorry that I didn't ask you what was going on before, Luke. I mean... I thought it was your own private business, that I shouldn't interfere. But the signs have always been there, for me. I just chose to ignore them. I thought what I was doing was right. And I was so wrong." He sighed, ashamed. "I'm sorry," he repeated once more, much softer.
"It was my own private business," Lucas retorted. "But... thank you, for everything." He signed and stood up. His words were whisper soft, his posture hinting at defeat as he walked over to the entrance to their shared room. "I'm going to go clear my head, man. I'll be back later, okay?" Tony nodded, worried, but held back his tongue.
"See you soon, Lucas." And with that, Lucas quietly stepped out, his form retreating as his footsteps echoed the halls, getting softer and softer as distance was put between him and Tony.
*~*
Bridger found his pace quicker than normal as he hurried to Lucas' room. He barely noted the crewmembers that said hello as he passed, his mind intently focusing on getting the full - and entire - story from Lucas as soon as possible.
'The corridors seem longer now that I have to hurry to my destination,' the Captain thought with a sigh.
His thoughts were a jumbled mess. 'Damnit, I knew something was up,' he chastised himself. 'I knew... But I didn't push him hard enough.'
'Don't be so hard on yourself, Nathan,' another voice replied from the gray matter of his tortured mind. 'How do you know that your pushing him hard wouldn't result in him falling off the edge, and into the abyss, never to be seen or heard from again?'
Bridger sighed as he doubled his pace even more than before. He was not yet running, but he was close. It was a brisk pace, a powerwalk, if you will. His shoes made clanking sounds as he rushed to Lucas' room, but he ignored them.
Finally, he saw his goal in sight. He hurried to his door, not waiting to see if anyone was there.
"Lucas?" he asked before the door was even completely open.
He stopped short as he noticed Tony sitting against the wall, his shoulders slumped and his eyes closed. At the sound of Bridger's entrance, he whipped his head up and studied the Captain intently.
"Oh, Captain, Sir." He stood up on wobbly legs, trying to come to attention quickly.
"At ease," Nathan said quickly. 'I'll have none of that right now,' he thought to himself with an inward sigh. "I just came to see where Lucas was."
"Oh, Lucas." Tony sat back down, rubbing his temple with his finger gently before speaking. "He went somewhere to clear his head."
"Do you know where?" Bridger asked softly, trying to keep the concern out of his voice as he spoke gently.
Tony shook his head quietly as he leaned back again. 'Must be tired,' Bridger thought to himself.
"Are you okay, Tony?" the Captain asked gently, hoping that his use of Tony's first name would give him a better response.
Tony nodded without opening his eyes. "Yes, sir. I have a headache. It's been a long day..." he spoke quietly. "I have a great many things to think about, Captain."
'You and I both,' Bridger thought to himself. Out loud, he said, "Perhaps you should go see the doctor before you returned to duty."
"I took today off, sir." Bridger assumed that Tony took the day off because he didn't feel well, not realizing Tony took the day off for Lucas.
"Very well. Get a good night's sleep tonight." He quietly left the room, shutting the door behind him.
*~*
Lucas closed his eyes as he gently guided a hand through the calm waters of the moonpool. He didn't know where Darwin was, but he was enjoying the silence right now.
The gentle flow of water soothed his soul, although it didn't heal it.
'Nothing could,' Lucas thought bitterly.
He opened his eyes, letting himself be lost in the cyan color of the water as it sparkled from the lighting. He gently lifted up his hand, letting the tiny droplets of water seep through his fingers as he brought the hand to his face, wiping it gently against his face.
Suddenly, he flung his hand into the water, causing a huge spray of water to land on the other side of the moonpool.
...And on an officer's shoes. He looked up quickly, ready to apologize for his angry outburst that was supposed to be private, when he recognized the person before him.
"Turning into Darwin?" Bridger joked hoarsely, realizing that the joke seemed hollow to them both right now. He sighed very softly under his breath and took a small step closer.
"Kiddo, we need to talk..." He phrased it as bluntly as he could, hoping to get through to Lucas.
"No we don't. I have had enough shrinks," Lucas replied angrily. "Why won't everyone just leave me alone! I can deal with this myself!" He stood up as he slowly spoke the last sentence, taking a step away from the Captain with each word. He turned and fled the room.
He didn't even look back, keeping his eyes forward as he ran.
Nathan sighed to himself and walked closer to the pool, opting not to follow the distraught boy. 'Not yet,' he added. 'I need to give him time to open up to me.'
He stepped around a few puddles that Lucas had inadvertently created with his outburst, and, just like Lucas had done moments before privately, gently placed his fingertips into the water, letting the coolness of the water touch his skin.
He tried to grasp the cold water in his hands, but it stubbornly refused to be held, to be brought close to the saddened Captain. Time after time, it slipped out of his fingers, until finally, in frustration, the Captain gave up and wiped the droplets of remaining water onto the pants of his uniform.
'Why does that remind me of Lucas?' he thought as he sighed loudly, not caring who heard.
And he walked away, leaving the room as quietly as he entered. Only the puddles on the floor stayed behind to remind anyone of what had happened just then.
And in time, they too would disappear.
tbc