It's a Matter of Trust
Fan fiction (based on
characters from Kare Kano) by Sanaaki
(sometime after the
anime ended?)
Warning: Lots of
angst
The crowd gathered around the list
of test scores. As always, Yukino's
heart beat faster in anticipation. Searching
for her name, she found it on top… tied with Arima…again. Sighing, she wondered when she would be able
to relive that wonderful moment when victory was laid at her feet, when she
achieved that pinnacle of success…alone.
As much as she loved him, her competitive spirit refused to accept
sharing the spotlight. Vying for the
number one spot was in her nature…it was her destiny.
"Yukino, good morning!" Yukino turned around and saw Maho. Maho looked at the rankings and grimaced in
disappointment. Success was just as
important to her as it was to Yukino.
It was something that they had in common and strangely enough bonded
them together. They understood the
drive in each other. Maho wondered if
she would always trail behind Yukino.
Just once, she would like to be the one superior. She had long ago accepted that it was
unlikely but it didn't hurt to dream.
"Looks like you guys are even once again."
"That's okay, he's my boyfriend,
it's not that important…"
"Sure," Maho smiled knowingly. Yukino couldn't fool her and knew it but she
let her pretend. Maho looked at Yukino
and had to admit Yukino and Arima really did make a good couple. Anyone could see that they were well
matched. It just didn't seem fair that
Yukino's life was so perfect. Popular,
smart, capable, ambitious and paired with a guy who was just as amazing if not
more so than she was. It made her sick.
"Anyway, it's lunchtime, let's go
have lunch outside."
"Okay but don't you have to meet
Arima?"
"Not today, he's tutoring again." Again?
"Really? Who?" Curiosity peaked
her interest. Who was it that could
make Arima spend time away from Yukino?
"Kimi-san."
"Really? And you're okay with that?"
She was surprised. She had heard
gossip that Kimi liked Arima. She
wondered if Yukino had heard those rumors too.
She didn't think so, otherwise would Yukino let Arima tutor her?
"Sure, why wouldn't I be? He's just tutoring her." Yukino seemed easy going about the whole
thing. Maybe there really wasn't
anything to worry about.
"Well, Kimi is pretty cute."
"I trust Arima," Yukino responded
confidently. They continued to walk
together.
Out
of the corner of her eye, Yukino caught a glimpse of Arima with Asaba probably
going to his tutoring session. She was
about to call out to them but then thought better of it. She shouldn't interrupt, she would see him
later anyway. It did seem as though
Arima spent a lot of time tutoring Kimi but…but he was nice that way and she
didn't think he would cheat on her. She
mentally shook herself and forced herself into a happier mood. Spending time needlessly worrying was time
lost from studying, eating, and having fun.
After all, she trusted Arima completely. "I trust him," she reiterated more strongly.
"If you say so," shrugged Maho.
"I do, now let's go eat."
"Okay."
*******
Walking together, Asaba looked at
Souichiro in astonishment. "You're
supposed to meet Kimi now?"
"I'm helping her with her
studies. She's not doing well."
"I see." Asaba wondered if he should tell Souichiro what everyone knew,
that Kimi was in love with him. Souichiro could be so oblivious in matters of
the heart…except where Yukino was concerned.
Souichiro's heart totally belonged to Yukino. It might not even be worth mentioning and burdening Souichiro
unnecessarily. Kimi might not even try
to do anything to win Souichiro's heart.
Knowing Kimi, unlikely.
He couldn't let it rest, "You
know…rumors are going around…"
"What are you saying?"
"About Kimi…"
"Huh?"
"She likes you." Souichiro didn't
seem too surprised. But then, he was
used to having girls like him.
"It doesn't matter, we're just
friends." Souichiro seemed to think that that was the end of the story. "I have a girlfriend already."
"That doesn't stop a person's
feelings."
"Don't be so ridiculous, Asapin."
"Just telling you to be careful,
Souichiro. Yukino may have heard that
gossip as well."
"She trusts me." And
she knows I love her. Arima thought
about Asaba's warning. Didn't he
know? There was no room in his heart
and soul for anyone else. Sometimes the
depth of his emotion frightened him.
Other guys looking at her, talking to her brought forth feelings of helplessness
and barely restrained jealously. It was
a constant battle to keep his feelings in check. Losing her was just not an option. Even now, he wanted to be with her but it was better this way,
healthier to distance himself at times.
He had to do his own thing. It
helped him keep things in perspective, it helped him keep the risk of losing
himself totally in her at a minimum.
Besides, Kimi really did seem to need his help. He just couldn't let her down. He couldn't let anyone down…
******
"I'm going to confess to him today,"
Kimi whispered to Saori.
"Really?"
"I can't hold it in anymore."
"He has a girlfriend."
"I know but I think he cares about
me. He spends a lot of time with me and
he's so kind."
"But Kimi…"
"Don't worry, Saori, it will work
out, Arima will be mine…"
*******
"So that's how you do it!"
"Yes. Anyway, I think lunchtime is almost over so why don't we end it
here…"
"Okay…" They started gathering their
things together. She looked at
him. He was so cool and so nice. Her emotions were bursting at the
seams. This was the moment, it was now
or never.
"Arima-kun…" she began, tentatively.
"Yes?" He turned to look at her.
Her heart turned over. He really
was beautiful.
"I…I…" she stuttered, all of a
sudden at a loss for words and courage to express her feelings.
"Yes?" He
looked at her expectantly.
"I…I love you!" she finally blurted out. He stared at her in surprise.
"Kimi-chan!"
"It's true, I love you!"
"Kimi-chan…" He felt awkward. "Kimi-chan, I have a girlfriend…"
"I know you care about me!!" she
interrupted passionately.
He didn't know what she wanted him
to say. He felt cornered.
"You do care for me, don't you?"
He saw her stricken eyes, clinging
desperately to hope. How was he going
to let her down? He hated these kinds
of scenes. Every time he had to deal
with it, he felt so detached, unemotional, but…but he didn't want to discount
their strong feelings. Kimi's feelings
seemed especially strong. She didn't
seem to get the message. So Asaba was
right. He had suspicions about Kimi's
feelings but pretended not to notice.
He had hoped having a girlfriend would discourage girls from approaching
him. Did others still approach
Miyazawa? Did they confess to her just
as Kimi was confessing to him? Were
they hoping to steal her away from him?
He closed his eyes at the thought, unwanted emotions invading him.
"Arima-kun…?" Startled, he opened
his eyes. He had momentarily forgotten
where he was and what was happening.
"Kimi-chan, I have a girlfriend,"
he tried again to make her see and let her down gently. Tears started to stream down her
cheeks. He took out his handkerchief
and tried to give it to her. She
refused to take it and cried even harder.
Suddenly, she grabbed his uniform with two hands and stared up at him
tearfully. He put his hands on hers to
detach her from him but she held on even tighter.
"You have a girlfriend, so what?
What's so good about her? You and me,
we get along so well…I know I love you more than she ever will! She doesn't care about you the way I do. All I can think about is you! She doesn't need you!" She shook him as her words evoked a familiar
fear deep in his heart. Did she know
how her words cut into him? He put his
hands on her shoulders about to push her away from him.
"Kimi-chan," he said gently
although his patience was beginning to wear thin, "I'm not the one for
you. You'll find someone else."
"I don't want anyone else, I only
want you!!" She looked at him, love
blazing intensely in her eyes. She was
much more passionate than the girls he was used to. Handling her would take more of an effort…
"Kimi-chan…"
*******
"Maho, I'm going to look for
Arima, to tell him that I can't go home with him after all since we have those
club activities…"
"Okay, see you in class then…"
Yukino started towards the area
where Arima was tutoring Kimi. She just
wanted an excuse to be with him. She
missed him. They were always so busy
with school and extracurricular activities that they hardly saw one another
these days. She looked forward to
seeing him. She hoped she could catch
him in time. As she rounded the corner,
she did catch sight of him. But…but not
as she imagined. His hands on Kimi's shoulders, Kimi looking up at him with
love in her eyes, he looking down at her, Kimi holding onto him tightly, Kimi reaching up, Kimi putting her arms
around Arima's neck, Kimi pulling him towards her and most of all Kimi kissing
him.
Yukino reacted with a small sound, shock. They both turned and saw her. Shock also marred their faces, exactly
mirroring her own. No one moved for
what seemed like an eternity. Reality
came crashing down on her and motion became her solace.
"Yukino!" How ironic that he chose that moment to call
her by her given name. Pain reached
deep inside her and squeezed her soul.
Tears burned her eyes, blinding her to the life she knew. She ran past a surprised Maho, into the
girl's bathroom and hid herself in one of the stalls. Sinking to the floor, she leaned her forehead against the door,
closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around herself tightly.
*******
Kimi hung on to him around his
waist tightly refusing to let him go.
"Let go of me!" Desperation
punctuated his words. This couldn't be
happening. He had to go after her. Finally, he made a decision and pushed
Kimi off him roughly, she fell to the floor and he ran towards the school. He saw Asaba.
"Asapin, have you seen Miyazawa?"
A fear he had never known before clenched his heart.
"Souichiro, are you okay?"
"Please, just tell me, have you
seen her?"
"N-no…but…" He started to turn
away when Asaba grabbed his arm. "What
happened?" Words failed him
momentarily. This slice in time allowed
him to recognize what he wanted to shut out. Were the walls crumbling down
around him? Had he known this would
happen, that his happiness would become elusive once again? "You're scaring me, Souichiro. You've got a strange look in your eyes…"
Desperation. "I-I can't talk right now, I have to find
her…" He ran down hallways, looked into classrooms and couldn't find her
anywhere. Maybe he would see her in
class, the next one was shop, he didn't have it with her but after that, surely
he would see her and put everything right.
*******
"Yukino, what's the matter?" Maho's voice echoed in the bathroom.
Collecting herself, Yukino slowly
opened the stall door. "Maho…"
"Tell me…" Maho's eyes were wide
with concern. "I've never seen you like
this before. What happened?"
"Maho…" She ran into her
comforting arms and cried. A while
later, Yukino felt more like herself, better after crying herself out although
she knew deep down that there were still tears left in her heart.
"So tell me what happened…"
" I saw her kiss him…"
"Kimi?"
"Yes." Maho didn't seem surprised.
"You knew about this?"
"Well, I heard gossip that Kimi
was in love with Arima…"
"I see…"
"Don't jump to any conclusions,
Yukino."
"Maho, I don't know what to do."
"Love is often like this. Things get confused. You should talk to each other. Find out what's going on."
"I…I don't know if I can. I feel so hurt, vulnerable. I don't know what to think. I know what I saw with my own eyes. He let her kiss him. He had his arms on her and she on him. What can he say to that? There's nothing he can say. I saw what I saw, Maho."
"Don't you trust him?"
"I do…but I know what I saw. I was thinking about it. Why?
Why would he kiss someone else?
And I thought, maybe he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe he didn't want to hurt me and so
didn't tell me. Maybe he didn't know
how to tell me. If that's it, then it's
better this way, that I found out the truth.
It's better for me to find out the truth. I don't want to live a lie.
Yes, that's right. I won't live a lie."
A renewed sense of will infused her.
She would not be a coward. She
would face the truth as much as it hurt her.
It was the only thing that made sense.
He was afraid to hurt her. She
needed to find the courage to let him go.
Arima was a good person. He
never wanted to hurt anyone.
"I think you should talk to him
before you make any hasty decisions…"
"He would only try to tell me what
I want to hear…I have to be the one to set him free. He would only try to do the right thing. I thought that one day this might be a
possibility. That he would no longer
need me," her voice broke, "I just didn't know it would be this soon…" Tears once again illuminated her eyes. Maho put an arm around her.
"If you're sure…you're the only
one who knows your relationship with him.
If you think that's what's going on, then I'll support you, whatever you
do."
She looked at Maho and was never
more glad to have a friend to confide in then she was at this moment. "Thank you," grabbing both her hands, "Thank
you, Maho, I don't know what I would have done without you." They smiled at each other. Friendship was still a new thing to them
both.
*******
He willed her to look at him. She came at the very last moment before
class started. What was going on in her
mind? He would never understand her
brilliant eccentric mind. It made it so
much harder to figure out what she was thinking. She didn't look his way.
He couldn't focus on what the teacher was saying. What was he going to say to her? What would he have to say to make her
believe him? He couldn't lose her, not
now, not ever. He looked up and caught
Maho turned around in her seat and staring at him. She quickly looked away.
What was that look in her eyes?
Pity, anger? He couldn't read her
expression just as he couldn't read Miyazawa's expression. Class ended. He hurriedly gathered his books so that he could get to Miyazawa
as soon as possible. Just as he left
the class and was just about to catch her arm, Kimi came between them.
"Arima-kun, there you are!!"
Miyazawa turned and looked at him over Kimi's shoulder and then
turned back to walk away.
"Miya…" He tried to get past Kimi but she stepped in front of him
again. He couldn't avoid her without
making a scene. Students surrounded
them everywhere. "Kimi-chan, this isn't
a good time…"
"Arima-kun, I just wanted to talk
to you…"
"Ah, Souichiro-kuuuun, I neeeeeeed
you!!!" Asaba came in his usual merry way and took his arm, waving and winking
at the stunned Kimi, as he ushered Arima away.
When they were out of hearing
distance, Arima sighed a breath of relief and turned to Asaba gratefully. "Thanks, Asapin."
"No problem, she's a persistent
one. Why can't I have a girl like that
chasing after me…?" Asaba sighed wistfully.
Arima gave him a look of incredulity. "You're kidding, right?" This guy had more girls chasing him than he
knew what to do with.
"Joking, joking. Jeez, you really need to lighten up
sometimes…anyway, so what's going on with Yukino?" Arima looked over at Miyazawa already seated with her girlfriends
surrounding her. A missed chance to
clear things up. Kimi's interruption
could only have worsened the situation.
It was then that he noticed that a couple of guys were around her
too. Were they already beginning to
sense opportunity? He sought to calm
himself. He was being overly
paranoid. It wasn't as if they were
broken up. It was just a
misunderstanding. He wanted to go over
there but the timing just wasn't right.
He didn't want others to hear what he had to say. He didn't even know what he wanted to
say. "Well?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?" Asaba's voice laced with disbelief.
"Nothing that can't be cleared
up." Except that it wasn't cleared
up. For the next several days, somehow,
Miyazawa had managed to avoid him and Kimi had managed to be there with him at every
inopportune moment. Miyazawa was
definitely avoiding his calls. Their school
activities managed to keep them apart after school. During school, she was always with her girlfriends. It was as if there was a conspiracy. Today was the last day before the
weekend. He had to absolutely talk to
her. Absolutely. He waited for her after school. They both didn't have any
school activities today. She wouldn't
be able to avoid him. He kept his eyes
on the students trickling home. He
finally saw her and was about to hurry towards with her when he realized that
she was walking towards him.
"Miyazawa…" he called, relief that
he would be able to finally explain and get things cleared up washed over
him. A week in the life of a high
school student was such a long time, too much time had passed without things
being set right. He hoped they would
recover.
"Arima…" She looked at him and smiled.
She was so beautiful. It felt as
though her smile made his heart skip a beat.
"I guess we need to talk." They
walked and ended up in the classroom where he had first opened up to her about
his feelings about his family. The sun
was setting as it had that day, the brilliant hues of orange, yellow and red
flickered throughout the room.
"Miyazawa, what you saw wasn't what it seemed…I was comforting
her."
She was too calm. Too accepting. She was looking out the window at the sunset.
"She was upset?"
"Umm…yes." He felt weird talking about it.
"What about?" How would she react? Should he tell her? It was embarrassing.
"Umm…well…"
"She liked you." It was a statement. So she already knew.
"Miyazawa…"
"It's okay, Arima," she looked at
him then. "You can't help it. It's not your fault." She forgave him, happiness washed over him
his heart suddenly felt lighter, relief overcame him.
"I tried to tell her I had a
girlfriend and that I couldn't be the one for her…she wouldn't accept…" his
voice trailed off as he realized that Miyazawa wasn't really listening to him
or looking at him.
"Arima…"
"Yes?"
"I don't think we should see each
other anymore…"
To be continued…
