It's a Matter of Trust
Fan fiction (based on characters from Kare Kano) by sanaaki
(sometime after the anime ended?)
Thanks for the comments guys. Would you believe I forgot I had this lying around unfinished? Gomen, gomen for taking so long… been busy with my kodocha site/translation project and other stuff. :P
Standard disclaimers apply here. A fanfiction based on the characters from Kare Kano by Tsuda Masami
Chapter 2
Had it been just a month ago? An eternity ago when his life became a never-ending nightmare. He looked out the window and saw her. She was sitting on the grass, several guys and girls laughing together with her. Aya, Rika, Maho, Tsubaki and Tsubasa all there as usual. Guys always seemed to be around them now. After all, the girls were mostly single, available and fair game. Especially Miyazawa. Miyazawa. She went on with her life as though they never were. Meanwhile, he could hardly function. He went through the motions but his heart couldn't bear it. She had broken it off with him, telling him that she didn't think she had the same feelings for him as she had before and that they should cool it. He had stood there frozen in shock. Paralyzed. He hadn't even attempted to argue, to speak. All his fears, his nightmares had been realized. She hadn't look at him then. And then she had gone.
He still hoped that they would get back together. It was the only thing keeping him going, clinging to that small thread that hung between them. He just had to figure out how. He knew he was lucky in that Miyazawa was so self-absorbed and not at all interested in any of the guys that came out of the woodworks to chase her when it became common knowledge that they had broken up. And out of the woodworks they did come. Girls were confessing to him again too, just like in the days before Miyazawa. Oh, they were still friends but it wasn't the same. There was a faraway look in her eyes whenever they were together, remote and distant. He had to make her love him again. Without a doubt, he had to have her back. Kimi had damaged his relationship with Miyazawa and he hated her for it. Even though Miyazawa had put the blame on something else, he knew better as time went on and his head grew clear. Kimi was afraid of him now. He knew it was because of the look of hatred that came into his eyes every time he laid eyes on her. He couldn't help the surge of hatred that infested his soul. After all, it was said that the eyes were the windows of the soul and he was no exception.
As though she sensed him, she looked his way. Had she really meant it? Were they really broken up? Was this really the end? She stared at him for a moment then went back to talking with her friends. He had to have her back.
***
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him again, staring at her. She found him doing that a lot. What was he thinking? What was going on in his head? Why couldn't she forget him? It took a lot of effort to be natural with him. They were constantly being thrown together. Losing her best friend…that's something she had never wanted. The chance of grasping love had been too tempting at the time and now she had nothing. It took all her effort to fall back on those acting skills that had once been second nature to her. She hated herself for going back to those old ways but weren't they a part of her? Surely it was ok in this case. It was for survival. She buried herself in her life and tried to forget the emptiness that threatened to pull the soul out of her. Inside her lay a cracked heart of her own making. Pulling the blade of grass out of the ground, she twisted it around her finger. She had to move on. She couldn't second guess herself. But it doesn't seem like he's with Kimi. Had she been wrong? She shook her head as if to rid herself of unbidden thoughts. Wishful thinking… he probably didn't want to hurt her by turning around and going out with someone else right away.
"Hey Yukino, are you okay?" Maho looked at her with concern. Thank god she had good friends to help her.
"Great…I'm fine. Anyway, I have lots of studying to do, I'm going to the library so I can catch up," she said, getting up and brushing herself off. She had to pull herself together.
***
"Yo!" Asaba called out to him from down below. Tonami was with him.
"Arima-kun…" Things were still not quite right between them. He couldn't help the resentment he still felt towards Tonami.
"I made lunch for you today…"
"Asapin…Gomen, I'm not hungry…"
"Souichiro-kuuun…"
"I have something to do…" He was in no mood for company. He moved away from the window.
***
He knew this place well. Sakura trees. A sudden breeze disturbed the blossoms creating a blanket of beauty. This was the only place that gave him any sense of peace. Here, he could forget. Forget the peace he had once possessed with Miyazawa. He didn't know what to do anymore. He sat down and leaned against the tree. He wished the sakura could invade his body and infuse it with peace eternally. He wished he had never met her. Then he could have gone on never knowing any better. Wouldn't anything have been better then this pain? No it had been worth it. He just had to keep believing. It was just a matter of time when they would be together again.
***
After school, walking towards the entrance, she hesitated when she saw Arima standing there. A couple of girls were talking to him. Beautiful, she thought. She would never get tired of looking at him. He saw her and smiled. Her heart stopped. She couldn't do this. She smiled back. Not saying a word, she gave him a nod and hurriedly walked past them. She couldn't do this. She couldn't do this. Once outside the gate, she leaned against the wall. Closing her eyes, she let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding in. I'm okay, she thought. It wasn't as if they hadn't spoken since then. Why was she still having so much trouble being around him?
***
Disappointment crowded him as she walked past him without saying anything to him. "Um, so she wanted to confess her feelings to you…" He looked at the girls before him. More confessions. Why? He was a guy who couldn't even hold onto his girlfriend. He wasn't worthy of her. She deserved better than him. But…but he couldn't let her go. The never-ending nightmare – it wouldn't stop. It had to be her. He couldn't think of anyone else but her. He bowed his head, "I'm sorry." The girl before him looked crushed and she turned and ran off. The other girl soon followed. It had to be her. He thought back to the times they spent together. Holding her close to him. The feeling of being one with her. The euphoria that surrounded him when he was with her. Loneliness an unfamiliar feeling when he was with her. It had to be her.
He turned to walk home. She was still there leaning back against the wall, eyes closed. How he wanted to hold her close to him. He started to walk towards her, what he would say to her, he had no idea.
"Miyazawa…." Someone else was approaching her. He stopped. She opened her eyes. She smiled at the guy.
"Sorry, I was just resting…"
"That's ok – hope I didn't keep you waiting too long…?"
"No, I haven't been here too long…"
"Ok then let's go…"
"Ok..."
What was that about? Did she have a new boyfriend? No!! He followed them at a distance. They were laughing. That guy was walking her home. At the train station, he rushed into the next car and tried to see them through the window panes between the cars. The trains were crowded. They were very close to each other.
It was getting dark. That guy hadn't come out yet. Her family was home. He stood outside her gates, tense, a terrible ache striking every cell in his body. He had stood there for several hours. The chill in his heart coming not from the weather but from the depths of his fear. She belonged to him.
He finally came out. Miyazawa was at the entrance also. She smiled at him, cute as always. The guy finally left. He was torn. Torn between running up to her and confronting her and the urge to follow him…
Arima stood out there long after he had left. Stared at her house as if to try to discern the truth. An elderly man walking by asked him if he was okay. He replied with a sickly smile and shook himself out of his trance. He began walking home. Step… step. Left foot, right foot, left foot. He was in his bed. He didn't even know how he had gotten home. Curled up in his bed, he gripped the sheets. The never-ending nightmare continued. He squeezed his eyes shut, arms clasping his head tightly. You thought you could be happy… The sheets billowed above him and landed softly covering him completely. You thought you could be happy…
TBC