ACT 1, SCENE 1
SETTING: Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters
Basement Level
MYSTIQUE, disguised as a student, wanders the vacant hallways
with her cohort TOAD, looking for Charles Xavier's office, or, at the
very least, some sort of map.
TOAD: This isn't fair. Disneyland has maps.
MYSTIQUE: Well, we're not in Disneyland, if you haven't noticed by now.
TOAD: Well, we should be.
MYSTIQUE: This isn't the time to be disappointed. We've got to find this
Xavier's office and see if he can do something to help us get Magneto out
of jail.
TOAD: This is the dumbest bloody crock I've ever heard of. Why would the Wheelchair Wonder want to help his greatest enemy? I mean, his little X-thingies worked pretty hard to put the boss there in the first place, didn't they?
MYSTIQUE: Shut up. I can't think of any better ideas. Can you?
TOAD: MacDonald's is always nice.
MYSTIQUE: Just shut up, will ya? (Mumbles to herself about stupid Brits
and continues on her way)
The duo rounds a corner and suddenly comes face-to-face with JEAN
GREY, who is ushering a young child back to the second floor. The boy is
nursing a bandaged arm and has tearstains on his face.
JEAN: There, you'll be okay now. Nothing to worry about. Just be more
careful when you play with Jason, okay?
The boy nods and JEAN smiles. She looks up and finds herself
nearly colliding with another student, who is accompanied by a short
young man who looks rather familiar.
JEAN: What the…Hey- aren't you the guy who spit in my face?!
TOAD: Ummmmm….I actually do that to a lot of people. Care to refresh my
memory a bit?
MYSTIQUE slaps her forehead and hurries away, pretending that she
doesn't know him.
TOAD: Hey! Where're you-
MYSTIQUE: I've never met this guy before. He's following me around like a
lost toa- er, puppy. Maybe he's hungry?
TOAD: You blue bitch!
MISTIQUE: You'd better feed him something. He seems to get agitated when
he's not fed. Got any Kibbles-N-Bits?
TOAD: Hey! I only ate that ONCE, and I got ten whole dollars for doing
it, too.
JEAN: (To MYSTIQUE) Um, maybe I should take you to see Xavier, my dear. (She turns to TOAD) And what the hell are you doing here?! …
TOAD: Er…walking…
JEAN: Where?
TOAD looks vacant.
MYSTIQUE: He hates tough questions. Try an easier one, like…who the hell
took the liberty to remove his brain?
JEAN: I thought I told you to see Xavier!
MYSTIQUE: Oh yeah! (Searching) And… where is that again?
JEAN: Go up the lift just ahead, and on the door to your right is a
hallway. Follow it to the end and you'll see the sign on the door. Make
sure to knock first.
MYSTIQUE: Okay. Thanks! (She discreetly gives TOAD the finger and goes on
her way.)
TOAD looks vacant.
JEAN: Weren't you struck by lightning? How did you get past security?
TOAD stares at her like a moron. JEAN levitates the backpack he has slung over
his shoulder and whacks him in the head with it.
TOAD: Ow! Hey…what?….Where'd Mystique go?
JEAN: Mystique?
TOAD looks vacant.
JEAN looks vacant.
TOAD: Where'd Mystique go?
JEAN: Was that student…?…Oh…I'm starting to understand this. Well, come on.
Off to Xavier. She can't hide from him.
TOAD: I did not let anyone remove my brain.
JEAN: What?
TOAD looks vacant.
JEAN grabs his arm and tows him along the floor to the lift.
TOAD: MacDonald's?
JEAN: Shut up, okay? Jeez….I think Storm fried your brains along with the
rest of you.
ACT 1, SCENE 2
Setting: Xavier's Office
JEAN enters the office, sans her usual polite knock.
XAVIER (To MYSTIQUE): I couldn't possibly-
JEAN: (Interrupting)Brought in a stray, Professor.
XAVIER: Pardon?
JEAN: Well, I see you've met Mystique. I'd like you to meet her protégé,
Toad. He spit a loogie in my face at the Statue of Liberty.
TOAD looks proud of himself.
XAVIER: (scrutinizing JEAN carefully) I don't see anything.
JEAN sighs.
TOAD: (Brightly) Hi, Mystique! Long time no see, eh?
MYSTIQUE: Here we go…I thought I'd lost him…
Suddenly, the doors thump open and a young man of about thirteen
sticks his head into the office, panicking.
BOY: Timmy burnt my undies again, Professor!
XAVIER just stares at him.
JEAN looks vacant.
MYSTIQUE looks vacant.
TOAD, as usual, looks vacant.
BOY: Uh…bad timing. 'Bye. (Doors close meekly)
TOAD: (Suddenly) Toasty!
XAVIER: Uh…Now, back to reality. Allow me to explain Mystique and
Toad's presence here, Jean. Magneto, as you well know, is in custody.
They are his lackeys.
MYSTIQUE: Hey!
TOAD: Are those anything like khakis?
XAVIER: (Ignoring them both) They wish our assistance in freeing Eric from his prison.
TOAD: You never answered my question, Professor…if that's your real name.
JEAN: (Blatantly ignoring him) So, Professor: what do you propose we do with these two?
XAVIER: I have yet to decide that. Until then, find suitable housing
arrangements for the both of them. Please keep in mind that they cannot be
trusted amongst the populace here at the Academy.
JEAN: (Points indignantly at TOAD) But he spit in my face!
TOAD: Nice shot, too.
The backpack he is carrying suddenly levitates and whacks him in
the head once more.
TOAD: Hey…that felt pretty good…Oh, wait…ow!
MYSTIQUE: (Under her breath) Imbecile.
XAVIER: You'll have to put that behind you for now.
TOAD: But I'm carrying it on me back! Where the hell else do you propose
is behind me?!
XAVIER looks at him incredulously with his mouth open.
MYSTIQUE: I wonder if there's any way I can join Magneto…
JEAN: Yes, Professor. I'll get Logan and Scott up here right away.
MYSTIQUE: Who's Logan?
JEAN: Oh, you'll know him when you see him. Believe me.
MYSTIQUE looks vaguely frightened at this concept.
JEAN closes her eyes and concentrates, sending telepathic messages to both
SCOTT and LOGAN
TOAD: Are you doing what I think you're doing? 'Cause if you are, I'm leaving before the smell hits.
JEAN: I 'm trying to concentrate.
TOAD: You're got to be really numb if you have to concentrate to-
The backpack begins to levitate again, and TOAD flings it off, breaking a window in the process.
TOAD: Bloody hell! Stop doing that!
JEAN: You asked for it.
The door opens again and SCOTT enters with LOGAN in tow. They
both stop dead at the sight before them.
LOGAN: (To MYSTIQUE) Didn't I kill you?!
MYSTIQUE: I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!
JEAN: I told you so. (Aside to LOGAN) I told her so.
LOGAN looks vacant.
SCOTT: Just what the hell is going on here?!
XAVIER: (Sighs) Allow me to explain…again. Mystique-
TOAD: Didja know that she hates it when you call her "Musty", for short?
XAVIER: (Continuing) …and Toad are here to ask for our help in freeing
Eric from the prison.
LOGAN: You mean Magneto?
TOAD: Bright lad, this hairy one. (Glances mistrustfully out the window,
waiting for the Backpack of Doom to appear yet again. It doesn't.)
SCOTT: Why are we here?
XAVIER: You are going to escort our…guests…to suitable living
arrangements until we can decide what actions to take.
SCOTT: And where do you suppose that would be?
XAVIER: That's your job, sport.
LOGAN: Dammit! I'm missing Star Trek for this?
TOAD: Hey! Spock wears the same underwear as Magneto!
XAVIER looks vacant.
JEAN looks vacant.
MYSTIQUE looks vacant.
SCOTT looks vacant.
LOGAN: Really?! Wow….
SCOTT: Don't make friends with the bad guys, Wolfie. That's how you end
up wearing yellow spandex.
LOGAN looks vacant. Everyone else groans at the terrible and overused joke.
SCOTT: Well, back to the matter at hand. I think these two should stay
with us. That way we can keep an eye on them.
TOAD cracks up. LOGAN is the only one who gets it, and he slaps
TOAD on the back. TOAD flies forward ten feet and crashes into the wall.
LOGAN: Nice one!
TOAD: (Unsteadily) You too.
SCOTT looks vacant.
JEAN begins to laugh.
XAVIER: 'Eye'….Eye on them…Oh! EYE! Eye on them. Heh heh, that's a good one.
SCOTT: Yeah, very funny, guys. Just a laugh riot, huh?
TOAD, from his place on the floor, begins to chuckle again.
SCOTT: Yeah…I'd like to keep an eye on him, Professor.
TOAD stops laughing.
XAVIER: Scott, they are our guests, please remember. We do not flash-fry
our guests. Manners are a basic rule of Academy life.
TOAD: You don't scare me, Pink-Eye.
SCOTT: You wanna take this outside, buddy?
TOAD: Depends. How tall are your fences?
MYSTIQUE laughs.
JEAN: How about if Mystique stays with Storm?
XAVIER: I'm sure she will be willing to accommodate her.
MYSTIQUE: Oh, joy.
TOAD: Ha ha!!
JEAN: …And Toad can stay with us!
MYSTIQUE: Ha, ha!!
TOAD: D'oh.
SCOTT: Aww, no! But Jean….It's Saturday! We have…plans…on Saturdays!
TOAD: Wink wink, nudge nudge…(TO XAVIER) You do allow extra-curricular
activities on this campus, don't you?
XAVIER: But of course. We recommend it to all of our students.
TOAD cracks up.
MYSTIQUE: He doesn't get it, does he?
LOGAN: Let's hope not.
XAVIER looks vacant. After a pause, he picks up on vibes and realizes what he is
missing.
XAVIER: Maybe it would be better of Toad stayed with Logan.
LOGAN: HELL no!
TOAD: Will somebody help me outta this wall?
JEAN: Our…activities…can wait. Toad can stay with us.
SCOTT pouts.
SCOTT: You're gonna pay for this, Frog-Boy.
XAVIER: Easy on the nicknames, Scott. It's a sign of immaturity.
LOGAN looks smug.
LOGAN: I could've told you that.
JEAN: So it's settled, then. Sleep arrangements are no longer an issue.
SCOTT: For you, maybe.
ACT 1, SCENE 3
Setting: Jean's Bedroom, Fifteen Minutes Later
TOAD: (Looking around) Nice place you got here. The undies are a nice
touch.
JEAN: Ooops! Wasn't expecting visitors…(She uses her telekinesis to lift
the offending laundry and cast it out of sight)
TOAD: Neat trick. Wanna see mine?
JEAN: That's okay. I've already seen it…
TOAD: No, that's not the one.
JEAN: Then no.
TOAD: Aww.
SCOTT enters.
SCOTT: Here's your cot.
TOAD: What luxury.
SCOTT: Uh…yeah.
TOAD: I was being sarcastic, you twit.
JEAN: Now boys…we're going to have to learn to get along.
SCOTT: Well, this is all his fault, anyway. He's the one who wants to get
his damn boyfriend out of jail.
JEAN: I've forgiven the loogie. You can forgive this.
SCOTT: That's the guy who spit that stuff in your face?
JEAN: Yes.
SCOTT: And you're letting him stay here?!
TOAD: Well…if you ever get a hole in the wall, I got homemade spackle….
SCOTT: The only holes in the walls are gonna be from you going through
'em.
JEAN: Forgiveness, Scott.
SCOTT: Jeez. With all this stupid forgiveness you'd think Jesus was
walking around in his Birkenstocks right here at the Academy.
TOAD: Who?
SCOTT: Never mind. He wouldn't like you, anyway.
JEAN smacks SCOTT. Hard.
SCOTT: Oww!
TOAD: (Fondly) I just love mayhem.
JEAN: We've got to get ready for bed. It's been a long day. Mortimer, you
can change in the bathroom.
SCOTT busts up.
TOAD: Don't bloody call me that! And what do you mean, 'change'?
JEAN: What do you propose I call you? Toad certainly isn't appropriate.
And by change, I mean your clothes.
TOAD: Now why would I want to do that?!
JEAN: Never mind.
SCOTT: (Still laughing) So what's his last name? "Wart"?
TOAD: Oh, you're going to get it…One of these days….
JEAN: It's Toynbee.
TOAD: How the hell do you know? I never told you squat!
JEAN: I am telepathic, remember?
TOAD: Tele-what?!
JEAN: Never mind. So how would you like to be addressed?
TOAD: Magneto calls me "hey, you". I dunno…too personal?
JEAN: Not exactly.
SCOTT: Toynbee! What the hell kind of name-
TOAD: Shut up, ya poofter!
SCOTT: We can call him "Toy"!
TOAD: Noooooo!!!
JEAN: I like it. Cute, fits his size.
TOAD: Dammit!
JEAN: That's enough, Toy. Scott and I need to change. Go into the
bathroom.
TOAD: But I don't have to-
JEAN: Go anyway.
TOAD: I can't force myself, you loo-nazi!
JEAN: That's not what I meant. Just let us change in private, okay?
TOAD: Women. (Exits)
SCOTT rushes to the door and locks it gleefully.
JEAN: Scott!
SCOTT: We wouldn't want him getting out now, would we?
From inside the bathroom, a thump is heard, followed by the sound
of running water.
TOAD: WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Splashing sounds become louder by
the second.)
SCOTT: Uh-oh.
JEAN: Let him have his fun.
SCOTT: While we have ours…..
JEAN: Scott, behave.
SCOTT: Dangit.
Splashes still emanate from within the bathroom, accompanied by a
happy gurgling sound.
TOAD: Wwwwwaaatteeerrrrr……
SCOTT: I don't wanna be the one to clean up that mess.
JEAN looks vacant.