ACT 2, SCENE 1
Setting: STORM's Bedroom, Same Time
STORM: Girl, that Halle Berry chick is such a slut.
MYSTIQUE: Who's that?
STORM: Some wrinkled-ass hoe actress from like ten years ago who keeps
boning up all the young guys. I heard she hit one some guy with her car and then just
ran away.
MYSTIQUE: What a bitch.
STORM: You're telling me! I wish I could just kick her ass.
MYSTIQUE: Girlfriend, you know you could.
STORM: Hell yeah!
MYSTIQUE: So, you know this Logan. Is he really hairy like that all the
way down?
STORM: I dunno. Why don't you tell me?
MYSTIQUE: I was just wondering. I didn't have time to check, you know.
STORM: Yeah, that would've just been wrong.
MYSTIQUE: You know, I haven't gotten over the part where you guys try to
kill me.
STORM: Life goes on, girl. Want some vodka?
(Cut to JEAN's bedroom, middle of the night)
SCOTT: (Waking up) Awww…. (He gets up to go to the bathroom, pant-less,
walks across the room, and finds the handle locked.)
SCOTT: (Sleepily) Huh?…
He unlocks the door and enters into the dark bathroom, noticing
with distaste the wetness beneath his bare feet.
SCOTT: Gross. What the- WHOA!
He trips over something lying on the floor and falls hard onto
his behind, which in turn falls onto something that makes a terrible
noise.
TOAD: OW!
SCOTT: AAAAAAAA! WHAT THE HELL?!
TOAD: (Muffled) Get yer figs outta my face, you!
JEAN: (From inside the bedroom, sleepily) What's going on?
TOAD: Tell him to get his arse off of me!
SCOTT screams and jumps upward, fleeing into the room and
colliding with the far wall.
JEAN: Scott? You okay?
SCOTT: (Groans)
JEAN: Oh, no! Toy, I'm sorry! We left you in the bathroom, didn't we?
TOAD: Well, duh. Got any mouthwash?
JEAN: Poor guy.
TOAD: Tell Scott over there that he should invest in a bar of soap and a
loofah, and cleaner pants.
JEAN: Scott, you may want to put some pants on.
TOAD: HE WAS PANTSLESS?! OH MY GOOOODDD!!!! (A thump is heard, followed
by frantic footsteps receding down the hall)
JEAN: Toy, come back!
SCOTT: (Groans)
(Cut to LOGAN's bedroom)
LOGAN is just drifting off to sleep when the door flies open and
something hurtles into the room.
LOGAN: What the hell?...
A dark shape ascends his wall and crouches in the corner of his
ceiling, spitting.
LOGAN: Who's there? (His claws slide out and he gets out of bed, padding
over to the light switch and flipping it on.)
TOAD: Turn off the light! You want them to find me?!
LOGAN: (Looking up) Aaaa! What the hell are you doing in here?!
TOAD: Ever have your red-eyed friend shove his figs in your face?
LOGAN looks vacant.
TOAD: Then don't ask stupid questions.
LOGAN: Oh. Okay. Sounds bad....
TAOD: Tastes bad, too. (Spits again)
LOGAN: You know I'm not going to clean that up.
TOAD: You know I don't bloody care.
Enter JEAN.
JEAN: Toy! There you are!
TOAD: No! No I'm not! Go away, you psycho-hose beast!
LOGAN: …Toy…? What the frig...?
TOAD: You're an evil woman, you know that? A psychic, evil she-beast!
JEAN: Well, at least I didn't spit in your face.
LOGAN: So...what exactly is going on here?
JEAN: We locked Toad in the bathroom on accident and then Scott got up in
the middle of the night to tinkle and then he slipped on some water
and...
LOGAN: Oohhhhhh...that explains the figs part. (Looks up at TOAD, still
clinging to the ceiling) You poor guy. For once I feel sorry for you.
TOAD: Fat lot of good that does, ya hairy wanker. I still had Pink-Eye's
balls in my face!
LOGAN shudders.
LOGAN: Well...you can sleep on the dirty laundry if you want.
JEAN: Don't do it if you want to live through the night, Toy.
TOAD: As if naked figs would have helped my survival! Logan, thank you for the
offer. I believe I shall take you up on it.
LOGAN: Okay, get down off of my ceiling then, would ya? I'm getting dizzy
just lookin' at you.
TOAD drops from the ceiling onto the floor, taking several chunks
of plaster along with him.
TOAD: Lock the door!
JEAN: Some people are afraid of the dark. Toad here is afraid of Scott's
nuts.
LOGAN: Can't say I blame him.
TOAD: (Wails) I'll never sleep again!
JEAN: Are you sure you want to stay in here? Logan snores like a buzz
saw.
LOGAN: I do not! How would you know?
JEAN hums to herself.
LOGAN: Fine. Be that way. (To TOAD, sotto voice) I don't snore.
TOAD: With nostrils like that? I think I'll take Jean's side on this one.
But it's better...
LOGAN:...than Scott's figs. Damn tootin'.
TOAD looks vacant.
TOAD: You fart in here, too?
LOGAN: It's just a saying, retard.
TOAD: Oh. I'm relieved. If you fart like Jean says you snore, maybe I
ought to sleep with the Professor.
Everyone shudders.
TOAD: I didn't mean it that way!
JEAN: But how would the Professor know that?
TOAD: Ewww!
LOGAN: He's psychic, ain't he?
JEAN: Only when he wants to be.
Everyone shudders again.
JEAN turns back to the door.
JEAN: I'd better get back to Scott. He's insecure when he's naked.
TOAD and LOGAN both make retching sounds.
JEAN: Men. (Rolls eyes) Goodnight, then. See you in the morning.
TOAD: That can't be soon enough for me.
LOGAN: (Longingly) Goodnight...Jean...
JEAN: Goodnight, Logan.
LOGAN blushes.
TOAD: (looking down) Wow! Is that an adamantium-laced cucumber or are you just happy to-
LOGAN: SHUT UP!
TOAD: Okay.
JEAN manages to leave the room before cracking up.
ACT 2, SCENE 2
Setting: JEAN's bedroom, middle of the night
JEAN: (To SCOTT) Feeling better?
SCOTT: Oh yeah. Thanks.
JEAN: You know, you sure looked funny when you…(She dissolves into
helpless laughter)
SCOTT: Hey, it's not funny! C'mon!
JEAN: (Wiping eyes) I'm sorry. You're right, of course. But poor Toad.
You scared the hell out of him.
SCOTT: The only plus in this whole scenario. Where is he?
JEAN: Sleeping with Logan.
SCOTT: I don't think he'll stay there for long.
JEAN: I warned him already. (She gets out of bed, pulling on her robe)
SCOTT: Where are you going?
JEAN: To the kitchen. I suddenly have this awesome craving for
cucumbers...
SCOTT looks vacant.
Cut to LOGAN's bedroom, same time.
LOGAN has gone back to sleep, and is snoring industriously in his
bed.
TOAD, unable to sleep, watches him closely, able to see well in the dark.
He is standing over him, dangling something from his hand and wearing a
mischievous grin. In a moment, we see why.
A spider is hanging to the end of its web, just above LOGAN's open mouth. It sways precariously upon each exhalation, which grows more
intense as the mutant sinks deeper into his slumber. Finally, TOAD lowers
his hand- and the spider- and the arachnid is suddenly vacuumed into the
vortex that is LOGAN's snore. It disappears.
TOAD: Yummy.
A sound not unlike that of a garbage-disposal issues from within LOGAN's sinuses. He stirs and smacks his lips.
TOAD: (Whispering) …Bye, spider…
He turns back to the heap of laundry in the far corner of LOGAN's
room and drops into a crouch, his flexible spine keeping him close to the
ground as he creeps towards the offensive-smelling pile. Something there,
on the ground, arrests his attention. Despite his night-vision, he cannot
make out what the object is, though it has a foul odor and looks vaguely
menacing. Alarmed, TOAD grabs a coat hanger that is lying nearby and
reaches out to prod the thing. It appears to twitch slightly, and TOAD
leaps up in terror, bolting out the doorway of LOGAN's room and into the
hall, where he runs full-tilt into JEAN GRAY, who is returning to her
room and munching on something.
TOAD: Jean!
JEAN: Toad! (She notices his fear and becomes concerned.) What happened?
What's wrong?
TOAD clings to her legs, shivering.
TOAD: Something scary! Something scary!
JEAN: (Alarmed) Scary? In Logan's room?
TOAD nods, eyes shut tightly.
JEAN: Okay. Let's go check it out.
TOAD: It's dangerous!
JEAN: Maybe I should go get Scott, then.
TOAD: Wait! Ummm...it's not that dangerous...Just be careful.
JEAN: (Sighs) All right. (She embarks a few feet to LOGAN's room,
dragging TOAD with her. He still clings to her legs.)
JEAN: (Opening door) Who's there?
No answer, save for LOGAN's snoring. JEAN flips on the light,
bracing herself.
TOAD: (Pointing) See? There it is! Oh, it's horrible! It's HORRIBLE!
JEAN: It's...a sock.
TOAD: How can such terror exist?! It's horrible! Jean...Jean, it's
looking right at you! You leave her alone, you...you...you thing!
JEAN: It's a sock.
TOAD: Foul-smelling beast! Who spawned you?! What do you want from us?!
JEAN: It's a sock.
LOGAN: (Sleepily) Huh? What's going on here? Why are you in my room? (He
glances at JEAN's feet.) What's wrong with Toad?
JEAN: It's a sock.
TOAD: Watch out! It's coming right for us!
JEAN: IT'S A SOCK!!!
LOGAN looks vacant.
TOAD tries to run away, but JEAN catches him by the scruff of the neck.
He writhes helplessly.
JEAN: You brought me here, in the middle of the night, to do battle with
a SOCK?!
TOAD: It's evil! It's vile! It smells like-
LOGAN: What're you guys doing in my room? And why is one of my socks
impaled on a coat hanger?
TOAD: Let me go!
JEAN: The hell I will!!
TOAD finds himself lifted by JEAN's telekinetic powers and hurtled across the room, where he crashes into the far wall and crumples
into a senseless heap.
JEAN: Blithering idiot.
LOGAN: (Coughing) Damn. It feels like I swallowed a bug or something.
Which is weird because I dreamed about that very thing…
JEAN: Goodnight, Logan. (She exits, turning off the light as she goes.)
LOGAN: What is that smell?
As he lies down again, the sock moves in the moonlight. It
slithers around the coat hanger and creeps under the bed to join its
brethren in planning a massive mutant-laundry uprising. Scene fades out;
cue ominous music.