ACT 3, SCENE 1
Morning at the Mutant Academy
Setting: The Cafeteria
JEAN, SCOTT, LOGAN, TOAD, STORM, and MYSTIQUE are all seated at the table.
TOAD: Boy oh boy, I do love coffee in the morning. (He sees everyone glaring at him) What?
JEAN: You sure put us through hell last night, Toad.
TOAD: I didn't do anything!
SCOTT: It was Logan's sock.
TOAD: Thank you! Yes! Even Sabretooth's socks didn't smell as bad as yours, Logan. They never took on a life of their own.
MYSTIQUE: Toad, Sabretooth didn't wear socks.
TOAD: Oh God, now I remember.
STORM: (Eyeing TOAD cruelly) Mmmm mmmm. I do love nice crispy toast in the morning, yes…crispy, crispy toast…
TOAD: Shut UP!
STORM: Criiiiispy….
TOAD: You stupid cloud-factory! I'll kill you!! (He waves a hashbrown menacingly)
STORM makes little lightning gestures with her fingers. TOAD hurls the hashbrown and hits MYSTIQUE accidentally.
TOAD: Oh God. (He leaps up and MYSTIQUE tears after him)
JEAN: You shouldn't tease him like that. It's mean.
STORM: I know. (She happily resumes her breakfast. After a time she speaks again) Why are you so friendly with him anyway, huh? He horked a phlegm globber the size of Ireland and just as green right into your face!
JEAN: Some of us are high enough to forgive the mistakes of others.
SCOTT: (His mouth full of sausage) So… you can forgive me for the time you caught me with my hand on that statue at the museum? You remember, the one with the enormous boo-
JEAN: NO. I won't forgive that, no. No way.
LOGAN: (Horrified) You dumbass pervert!
SCOTT: Hey! Don't call my girl a dumbass pervert!
Everyone just stares at him for a really long time.
Cut to TOAD, fleeing from MYSTIQUE, who hasn't caught him only because she lacks the ability to run on the ceiling.
MYSTIQUE: You slimy little bastard!
TOAD: (Panting) Hey, I might by slimy and little, but I most certainly am not a…uh…oh wait…(He stops cold, puzzling) Oh wait, yes I am. I am, aren't I?…
MYSTIQUE sees her chance. She grabs the nearest kid and yanks off his shoe, sending it hurtling to hit TOAD square in the crotch. He drops like a rock and MYSTIQUE, satisfied, walks away. The kid grabs his shoe and runs for his life.
Just then, Xavier comes down the hall, whistling the theme song from "Bonanza". Lost in thought, he proceeds to run over TOAD with his wheelchair and keeps going, ignorant of the hit and run.
TOAD: I hate my life. (He passes out)
ACT 3, SCENE 2
Setting: Xavier's Office, Morning
LOGAN, JEAN, SCOTT, STORM, and MYSTIQUE are all standing around XAVIER's desk, awaiting his orders for the day.
XAVIER: I assume you all slept well.
JEAN: We've had better nights.
MYSTIQUE: Oh God…I have a headache….
STORM: You're just not used to vod - (She trails off, afraid that she has said too much in front of the others.)
XAVIER: What was that, Ororo?
STORM: Nothing.
XAVIER lets the moment pass.
SCOTT: Who's gonna clean my bathroom?
MYSTIQUE: Huh?!
JEAN: Long story. Amusing, though. Very amusing.
XAVIER: We don't have time for amusing anecdotes. There is much to be done today. Where is our other guest this morning?
LOGAN: He crashed at my place last night.
JEAN: Crashed is a good word for it.
LOGAN laughs.
SCOTT is not amused.
LOGAN: Aw, whatsa matter? Get caught with your pants down?
SCOTT: SHUT UP!
XAVIER: Now, now, stop bickering. There's no time.
JEAN: I could go for another cucumber right about now…
SCOTT looks vacant.
LOGAN grins bashfully.
JEAN: So what's so important, Professor?
XAVIER: It is obvious to all of us that we cannot assist our new companions in releasing Magneto from his prison. And we must take into account that they are criminals.
JEAN: You're going to turn them in?!
MYSTIQUE looks like she's going to be ill.
XAVIER: Of course not. It would not be the wise thing to do. We must help our fellow mutants, and we cannot make ourselves too obvious.
LOGAN: Smart guy. So, what's the plan, then?
XAVIER: I believe that it is wise to attempt to reform these two.
MYSTIQUE: Reform? What's there to reform?
XAVIER: Much, as you will learn.
MYSTIQUE: I wonder what Toad's gonna think about this.
LOGAN: Oh, please. As if he's truly capable of thought. I wouldn't be too worried about that.
MYSTIQUE: You're right. What was I thinking?
XAVIER: Aren't you slightly hard on the little fellow?
LOGAN: You don't know this guy well enough yet, Professor.
JEAN: Well, that's obvious. I had to come in last night and rescue him from one of Logan's socks.
Everyone, save for JEAN and LOGAN, looks vacant.
STORM: I don't wanna know.
JEAN: No, you don't.
LOGAN: (Embarrassed) Well…yeah. You don't wanna know.
SCOTT: I'd be afraid of Logan's socks, too.
LOGAN: YOU shut up, fig-boy.
SCOTT: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?!
LOGAN whistles to himself but doesn't answer.
JEAN: Er…let's change the subject, shall we?
SCOTT: No! I wanna know how the hell he knows!
XAVIER: Quiet, all of you! Now then, we must decide when and how we will start Toad and Mystique's training.
SCOTT: How about we throw Toad off of the Empire State Building?
MYSTIQUE: My plan exactly.
STORM: Tried that already, sort of. Didn't work.
SCOTT: Yeah, well, there's no water under the Empire State Building.
LOGAN: Ouch.
JEAN: That's not very nice, Scott.
SCOTT sighs.
At that moment, a very small, very green young man stumbles into the room, holding his head. He walks past the group and straight into a wall.
JEAN: Toy!
XAVIER: "Toy"?
LOGAN: That's what I said!
JEAN: Toad had a rough night, Professor.
TOAD: What's this wall doing here?
XAVIER: One doesn't need to be telepathic to know that, Jean.
JEAN: Yeah, I guess so. Someone needs some coffee.
SCOTT, LOGAN, STORM, and MYSTIQUE: (In unison) NO WAY!
TOAD: What's going on?
SCOTT: No coffee for him. No way. We'll have created a gas molecule. No glassware or wall will be safe. Can you imagine this guy hyper?
Everyone shudders.
TOAD: What's going on?
MYSTIQUE: Shut up, Toadie.
TOAD: I. AM. NOT. A. TOADIE!!
JEAN: Wow! You got through!
MYSTIQUE: Sometimes I can override the permanent busy signal in his brain, or whatever it is rattling around in his skull. Probably just a ball of lint. I was going to say a pea, but that's far too much mass.
TOAD: Your walls taste vaguely of peanuts, Professor- did you know that?
XAVIER looks disturbed.
JEAN: Interesting fact…but unnecessary. Really.
TOAD: What's going on?
JEAN fights the rising urge to clobber the guy again.
XAVIER: Are you all right, young man?
TOAD: Oh yes. In fact, I was just going to make a point of how much I love being run over by a rogue wheelchair, not to mention waking up to Cyclops' siting on my-
SCOTT: SHUT UP! It was an accident. You're the one who left the water on the floor for me to slip on.
TOAD: Yeah, well…you should wear pants, mister!
XAVIER is beginning to look rather disgusted and is turning greenish.
TOAD: Whoa! My long-lost brother!
SCOTT: Please don't call him your brother. He's feeling sick enough as it is.
TOAD: Oh, shut up, dingleberry-smurf.
SCOTT: What the &#@% are dingleberries?
TOAD: Why don't you get a mirror and bend over to find out?
JEAN: It is way too early in the morning for this coversation.
LOGAN: (Snorts derisively) As if talking about Scott's dingleberries gets more pleasant later in the day.
JEAN: You're right. Let's not discuss them at all.
MYSTIQUE: Sounds good to me. Girl, I don't even wanna know what happened last night.
TOAD: I wish I didn't, either! Does anyone's power include any sort of amnesia-ray? Oh, by the way: There's a evil sock in your room, Logan. It's going to create a mass uprising and slay you all.
XAVIER: What?!
TOAD: I dreamed it…I think. I skewered one of the evil ones last night but miss hero here saved it. (Scowls)
XAVIER: Maybe we should get you your own room. (Under his breath) And some medication.
JEAN: (Telepathically to XAVIER) Can we please sedate him? Give him some Ritalin? PLEASE?
XAVIER: (Also telepathically) Do whatever you want.
JEAN: (Aloud) Oh, thank God!
SCOTT: For what?
JEAN: Er…never mind. It's nothing.
TOAD looks wary. He sees the glint in her eye.
TOAD: (Tiny voice) Help!
SCOTT: We all know you need it, buddy. Tell me- does it hurt to be that stupid?
TOAD: Help! Please…someone…save me!
JEAN: (Turning towards the door) We'll be right back. (She grabs TOAD's arm and hauls him behind her.)
TOAD: Arrrgghh!
XAVIER: Well, Jean will apparently be taking care of Toad. Mystique, please attend Miss Munroe's classes during the day. That will tide you over until we construct a plan of some sort.
MYSTIQUE: Sure. Whatever.
XAVIER: Very good. All are dismissed, for now.
The remainder of the X-Men, and MYSTIQUE, take their leave.
Xavier: (To himself) Dingleberries?…..
ACT 3, SCENE 3
Setting: Jean's Laboratory
TOAD: (Struggling to be freed from JEAN's telekinetic grasp) Let me go!
JEAN: No way, Mister. Not until we take care of some of your…excess…energy.
TOAD: What's in that needle?
JEAN: Happy juice.
TOAD: Sounds like it's going to make me very unhappy….
JEAN: You're smarter than you look. Sometimes.
TOAD: You're not being very encouraging, you know.
LOGAN enters the room.
LOGAN: Couldn't wait to get his shirt off either, eh?
JEAN: Please. He's enough of a handful clothed.
TOAD: Is there something going on between you two that I should know about?
LOGAN: Nothing you should know about, Shorty.
TOAD: I'm NOT short!
JEAN: There's nothing for anybody to know about us, Logan.
LOGAN: Yeah. Right.
JEAN: Logan…
LOGAN: Okay…
JEAN sighs in exasperation and, seeing her chance, suddenly plunges the needle into TOAD's arm.
TOAD: Hey- ow!! What the bloody-
JEAN: It wouldn't be so bloody if only you'd stop squirming!
LOGAN: What're you giving him?
JEAN: A sedative.
LOGAN: Wow. Smart plan.
JEAN: I thought so.
JEAN: God, he's still struggling! Logan, gimme a hand here…
LOGAN promptly sits on TOAD, who shrieks.
TOAD: NO! NOT AGAIN!!!
LOGAN: I got pants on, buddy, and I'm not on your face. So relax.
TOAD: You're crushing me, you big oaf!
LOGAN: Well, stop moving and I'll get up.
JEAN: Like he'll ever stop moving.
TOAD: I'll never stop hating you, either!!!
JEAN: Yeah, well..life's a bitch.
LOGAN looks up, startled.
JEAN: I'm sorry. How unbecoming of me!
LOGAN: Um, say that again…
TOAD: Get him offa me! Get…him…(Suddenly, TOAD's strange eyes begin to grow more vacant than usual, and become lackluster.)
JEAN: It's working! Praise the fates!
LOGAN: Wow. Must be some powerful stuff.
JEAN: Children's Tylenol.
LOGAN looks stunned.
JEAN: Just kidding.
LOGAN: Oh. Yeah, I figured.
TOAD: Bees…all around me…bees…
JEAN: Hey! Those should be pink bunnies in happy fairyland, not bees!
LOGAN: Umm…since when did anything concerning Toad comply to normal occurrences?
JEAN: You got a point.
TOAD: Beeeeees….
JEAN laughs.
JEAN: I think you can get off of him now. He's pretty well thrashed.
LOGAN: Okay. (He gets up and TOAD falls over onto his side. His eyes are still open, though, and seeing all.)
TOAD: Hate…you guys…
JEAN: Try something. I dare you.
TOAD suddenly grabs up the last of his strength, summons his powers, and spits right into LOGAN's crotch, the highest he can reach.
LOGAN: Oh my God! GROSS!!!
JEAN dissolves into helpless laughter for the second time in twelve hours. She sits down upon the floor, holding her sides.
TOAD: Good luck…getting that…out of yer BVD's… Hate…you…guys…
LOGAN: DAMMIT! (He retches)
JEAN: At least it isn't in your face.
LOGAN: But how I am gonna get this off??
JEAN: I dunno. Rip?
LOGAN: Aww! You slimy little bastard! (He kicks TOAD)
TOAD: Ow…You're a shithead…(Despite his situation, he manages to look vaguely pleased with himself)
LOGAN: Yeah, well, the feeling's mutual, bub.
TOAD finally shuts up, although his eyes (and his mouth) remain open.
JEAN: Whew. It's finally working all the way.
LOGAN: Yeah. Finally. And you just had to dare him, didn't you? You forget that this guy hangs out with Magneto.
JEAN: I underestimated his neural capacities.
LOGAN: Damn straight, you did.
JEAN: Live a little, learn a little. Want some lunch? We got cucumbers.
LOGAN: Right on!
They exit, leaving TOAD lying on the floor.
TOAD: (Ever so faintly) Hate…you…guys… (He twitches)