ACT 4, SCENE 1
Setting: Magneto's Prison
XAVIER has decided to visit his old friend again, and deliver the news of his cohorts. They sit, as usual, playing chess.
MAGNETO: They will pass that foolish law, you know.
XAVIER: Wearing clothes in public has always been a law, Eric. In fact, there's a law against public nudity.
MAGNETO: Oh. Damn. Well, you know they'll pass that other law as well.
XAVIER: Perhaps. And then again, perhaps not. Checkmate.
MAGNETO: You said you had some news for me?
XAVIER: Yes. Guess who showed up at the academy the other day?
MAGNETO: Who?
XAVIER: Toad and Mystique.
MAGNETO: What were they doing there?!
XAVIER: (Hiding a smile) They wanted our help to free you from this place.
MAGNETO slaps his forehead.
MAGNETO: Idiots!
XAVIER: I would be inclined to think the same thing, if I allowed myself to judge others like that. Which I don't.
MAGNETO: Oh, come off it, you hippie. You know they're a couple of imbeciles, especially that Toad fellow. So where is Sabretooth?
XAVIER: We have no idea. Nothing has been mentioned of him.
MAGNETO: Oh, well. He smelled like roadkill, anyway. Checkmate.
XAVIER: Old friend, if you only knew what has happened these past couple of days.
MAGNETO: I don't want to know.
XAVIER: I suppose you're right. So how is life here treating you?
MAGNETO: Boring. I feel like I'm living in a giant condom.
XAVIER: Eloquent.
MAGNETO: So what did you tell my…peabrained comrades?
XAVIER: Nothing. We are attempting to reform them.
MAGNETO laughs a little too loudly.
XAVIER: What?
MAGNETO: You poor, poor fool. And I thought you were psychic!
XAVIER: You underestimate them, you know.
Therein a short silence is heard, for both men know that this is a blatant lie.
XAVIER: Checkmate.
MAGNETO: Damn!
Cut to TOAD, still lying on the lab floor.
TOAD: I gotta pee…..
Enter MYSTIQUE, with STORM.
MYSTIQUE: I see they finally got you settled down. Kinda.
TOAD: Hate….you….
STORM: (Interrupting) I hear that Logan sat on you.
TOAD groans.
MYSTIQUE: Well, if it's any consolation, he's still trying to get that stuff out of his pants.
TOAD looks rather pleased, despite himself.
TOAD: Hate…that…guy…
MYSTIQUE: You hungry?
TOAD: Not after…having Scott's…Ugghh (he shudders)
MYSTIQUE: (To STORM) How long does this stuff last, anyway?
STORM: I dunno. We'll know when it wears off, though.
MYSTIQUE shudders.
Cut to JEAN and LOGAN, eating cucumbers in the kitchen. We notice that LOGAN has changed his pants.
JEAN: I kinda feel bad, leaving the little guy there all by himself.
LOGAN: He's too stupid to get bored. What're you worried about?
JEAN: The medication wearing off.
LOGAN: Oh. I hadn't thought of that. He could trash the lab, couldn't he?
JEAN: To put it mildly.
LOGAN: Should we move him into your room?
JEAN: We should move him into a straightjacket.
ACT 4, SCENE 2
Setting: Jean's Lab, two hours later.
JEAN GRAY is standing over TOAD, who has recovered somewhat from his sedation. He is still groggy, but awake.
JEAN: Sorry for sedating you.
TOAD: I'll get over it if you let me sleep in your room tonight.
JEAN: Agreed. And I'll tell Scott to sleep somewhere else. That'll keep you safe from socks and balls. Okay?
TOAD: Fair enough. (He shudders again)
JEAN: (Making conversation) So…what kind of a nickname is Toad, anyway?
TOAD: I dunno. I actually got kinda lucky.
JEAN: How so?
TOAD: Well…Magneto was going to call me The Slimy Limey, but the telephone rang and he forgot about it. Telemarketers have a way of making that happen. Especially when you wonder how they got your secret hideout number. And then you wonder why your secret hideout even has a number, and then you wonder why you're even thinking about it…and then you wonder why you're even thinking at all, 'cause, y'know, Magneto is, after all, the brains.…and he tells us expressly not to think…and usually it's pretty easy and then you mess up and you're all down on yourself and you think, "Sod that! He's just a wrinkled old poof," and….
JEAN: Uh, I get the point. Hmmm. Well…as far as I'm concerned, both names are rather unfortunate.
TOAD: Piss off. You've never been called a Slimy Limey, obviously.
JEAN: I guess that's true.
A long pause.
TOAD: (Innocently) Jean?
JEAN: Hmm?
TOAD: I hate you.
Cut to Logan's Room.
Another sock creeps from the pile of dirty laundry and further out on the carpet, headed not for under the bed, but for the doorway. Ominous evil-sock music begins to play again.
STORM, who is passing the doorway, stops and peeks in, puzzled.
STORM: Where's that awful music coming from?
We hear muted angry grumbling from the orchestra at this statement, and a few muffled "ahem"s.
After looking around, she finds nothing. She shrugs and takes her leave.
EVIL SOCK: Curses! Nearly foiled again!
It sends a green wave of stinky sock-radiation towards the screen, and we hear the members of the orchestra coughing and choking. The sounds of dying instruments quickly fade into the background. The music finally stops.
EVIL SOCK: Muuuuwa-ha ha ha!
It resumes its evil path to the door, and then down the hall.
Cut back to STORM, who is taking a walk around the perimeters of the academy, deep in her equivalent of thought.
Suddenly, a giant, furred shape leaps from the shrubbery and pins her against the wall. It roars, and in the light of the dying day we can see that it is SABRETOOTH, come back from the supposed dead. He wraps a hand around STORM's throat and lifts her up high, thrusting his face next to hers.
SABRETOOTH: Scream for me.
STORM: Oh yeah- good idea. CYCLOPS!!!!!!!
SABRETOOTH: Oh, shit! (He drops STORM and begins to pound his own head angrily.) Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!
SCOTT, who is also on the grounds, finally comes running up, and, seeing SABRETOOTH, removes his sunglasses, hitting the hairy mutant with a pure, unfiltered optic blast. SABRETOOTH promptly explodes.
STORM: Gross!
SCOTT: (Regretfully, putting his glasses back on) Well, that sucks. We could have reformed him, too, you know. The Professor would've been proud of us or something.
STORM: Oh, well. He smelled like roadkill, anyway.
SCOTT: Yeah, but now he sorta smells like tacos.
STORM: Hey, you're right. All of a sudden I'm pretty hungry.
SCOTT: Me, too. Let's go.
ACT 4, SCENE 3
Setting: Dining Hall, Dinnertime
JEAN, SCOTT, STORM, MYSTIQUE, LOGAN, and TOAD are all sitting at a table, having a dinner of tacos and cucumber salad. All except for TOAD, that is.
JEAN: Feeling better, Toy?
TOAD: Hmmpph.
STORM: Still a little groggy, I see. And what's with this meal? Tacos and cucumber salad? Strange combination.
JEAN: Circumstances, I suppose, Ororo.
STORM: I'll say.
TOAD: (Looking a little greener than usual) I can't believe you guys eat that stuff.
MYSTIQUE: This from a guy who eats live pigeons.
TOAD: You're one to talk. I've seen you eat those flaming-hot Cheeto things.
Everyone shudders. LOGAN spits out a bite of taco and looks very ill.
SCOTT: A true culinary abomination.
TOAD: Oh! Scott used a ten-cent word! Yay for him, everyone! Yay for him!
SCOTT hurls a cucumber slice at TOAD, who ducks (as though it would have done any damage, anyway)..
LOGAN: (Sputtering) Flaming-hot Cheetos?! Ugh!
JEAN: Disgusting!
MYSTIQUE: I do not eat those! He's lying!
TOAD: Since when have you known me to lie!?
Suddenly, the entire mess hall goes silent. TOAD shrinks down in his seat. His cheeks turn a bright green, his equivalent of blushing.
TOAD: Maybe I should just keep my big mouth shut.
Everyone at the table erupts into thunderous applause. TOAD scowls and stares at the table.
TOAD: Fine. I won't say a thing any more.
SCOTT: My god, it's a miracle. (Cue music: the choir, out on a coffee break when the evil sock-radiation wave hit, stick their heads through the cafeteria doorway and sing "Hallelujah")
TOAD bites off an insult and sticks out his lower lip. Everyone else resumes eating. The choir advance to the lunch counter to collect their complimentary food tray.
CHOIR BOY 1: Wow! Free food! Singing like a girl really pays off around here!
CHOIR BOY 2: Yeah, except for the part where they cut off our testicles.
CHOIR BOY 3: Well, if I recall, they gave us free Oreo's after that.
CHOIR BOY 2: Oh yeah! Maybe you're right, Choir Boy One.
CHOIR BOY 3: Only thing I wish is that I had a real name instead of "Choir Boy Three".
The choir sets off to find a table.
After a time, ROGUE approaches out hero's table with a tray of food. As soon as she sets eyes on TOAD and MYSTIQUE, she pales and nearly drops her tray. LOGAN catches it and sets it on the table.
LOGAN: Hiya, Marie.
ROGUE: What are they doing here?!
STORM: Relax. We're going to reform them. They won't hurt you.
ROGUE: (Warily) You promise?
JEAN: Yes, we promise. They've been here since yesterday and no one's dead yet.
MYSTIQUE: Although there are a few chunks missing from some walls.
JEAN: And a skewered sock.
LOGAN: The horror! The horror! Lint everywhere!
ROGUE looks vacant.
JEAN: Long story. Now, mind your manners.
ROGUE: (Sighs) Okay. (She forces a smile at MYSTIQUE) Hi.
MYSTIQUE: Hi.
ROGUE: (To TOAD) Hi…
TOAD scowls and pooches out his lip further.
JEAN: Er…he's not speaking to anyone right now. It's nothing personal.
ROGUE: Oh.
She sits down next to LOGAN and begins to eat, her eyes still on the former Brotherhood members. MYSTIQUE flashes her a brief smile and she returns it, then looks to TOAD. He notices her watching and flicks his long tongue briefly at her. ROGUE looks away and decides that she's not really all that hungry anymore.
TOAD: (Muttering) You will all feel the wrath of the Dark Side. My Master will slay you all.
JEAN: What did you say?!
TOAD: Uh…I said, 'Oh, crap; it's dark outside. It's almost like fall'.
JEAN: Oh. It certainly is.
SCOTT: What about your vow of silence, Frog-boy?
TOAD shrugs.
ROGUE is looking more and more lost with each word. Finally she stops poking at her food.
ROGUE: Well…I gotta go. I gotta study and like be shallow and stuff.
JEAN: All right. See you tomorrow.
LOGAN: 'Bye, Marie.
ROGUE: Right. 'Bye. (She leaves so quickly that she nearly falls over herself)
TOAD: What a bitch.
MYSTIQUE leans over the table and clobbers him.
MYSTIQUE: Don't call people that! Didn't Magneto teach you any manners?!
TOAD: Ow!
SCOTT: Sort of a stupid question, isn't it? (He flinches as MYSTIQUE regards him threateningly.) Sorry. Maybe not. But I think the answer to that question is 'no'.
MYSTIQUE: Well, duh. I was just making a statement. Men are pigs. Especially you.
SCOTT: Me?!
MYSTIQUE: Yes, you.
SCOTT: Why?!
MYSTIQUE: You just are.
LOGAN: (shoving away his plate noisily and leaning back in his chair) Well, I'm full.
JEAN: Me, too.
STORM: Me, too. Let's get the righteous f*** out of here.
JEAN grabs TOAD by one arm, MYSTIQUE seizing the other, and drags him from his chair.
Exeunt.
ACT 4, SCENE 5
Setting: Jean's Bedroom.
SCOTT and JEAN are standing by the door, arguing, while TOAD is sprawled on the bed, happily guzzling a wine cooler. He is blissfully unaware that JEAN has spiked it with Valium.
SCOTT: I can't believe you're not letting me sleep in here tonight! And all because you're letting him stay in here! (He points accusingly at TOAD, who burps and waves the bottle at him in a vaguely hostile gesture. It becomes apparent that this is not his first cooler of the night.)
JEAN: We made a deal, Scott. This is the only way any of us are going to get a full night's sleep. This way he doesn't have to worry about killer socks or you sitting on his face in the middle of the night. But don't worry. When the Professor finds him another room I'll pay you back for your cooperation.
SCOTT: I still can't believe this!
JEAN: C'mon, don't be like this.
SCOTT: (Sighs) All right. Fine. You do whatever you want. You'll find yourself missing me until you don't know what to do!
MYSTIQUE, who happens to be walking by at this moment, snorts loudly.
MYSTIQUE: (From outside the door) HA! I told you he was a pig!
SCOTT: Fine, I'm leaving. Goodnight. (He exits.)
TOAD: (Slurring) Narky bugger, that Spot.
JEAN: It's Scott.
TOAD: Whatever. (He begins to doze off, and within minutes he is sleeping soundly.)
JEAN: Finally.
She drags him onto the floor and takes the now empty bottle from him. Using her telekinesis, she tosses it into the trashcan.
JEAN: Sleep well.
TOAD: Urp.
JEAN: Yes…you're quite the poet, aren't you?
She changes her pajamas and gets into bed with a book. Scene fades out.