This is sort of a (really stupid) response to the endless discussions on racmx
as to which of the X-men might or might not be gay. All characters are
Marvel's, and I'm not making any money off of this (who in heck would
_pay_ for it?), so don't sue me. Rated PG-ish for minor swearing and
kind of adult content.
Out of the Closet
Bobby Drake kicked through the pile of dirty clothes lying in
front of his bed, spreading them around with his left foot. A pair of
bright orange boxers got snagged on his toe, and with a grimace, he
flipped them across the room. They landed on top of his life-size
cardboard cut-out of Cher.
"Nope," he sighed. "Not in here." He knelt down and began to
peer cautiously under his bed. An amused chuckle behind him startled
Bobby, and he thunked his head on the bottom of the bed frame.
"Ow!" Bobby cried, rubbing the back of his head. He turned to
glare at Hank, who was standing in the doorway.
"You are still unable to locate this mysterious object?" Hank
asked. His gaze swept the room, and he shook his head. "If you
cleaned your room, you might have less difficulty in finding lost
items."
Bobby snorted. "What are you, my mom?" He stood up and brushed
off his knees, which had accumulated what appeared to be cracker dust
of some sort. "It's got be in here somewhere," he muttered. He began
to walk around the room aimlessly, picking up random objects to look
under them, and then stopped suddenly in front of the closet door.
"Ah-ha! I bet it's in here." He pulled the door open and began to
throw things out behind him.
"What is it that you're attempting to find? And why in the world
did you first think it would be in my room?" Hank asked as he dodged a
baseball mitt that flew perilously close to his head.
Bobby shook his head. "The less you know, the better."
"Hmm, let me guess," Hank said. "It is for some nefarious
purpose, such as a practical joke. You do recall what happened the
last time you pulled one of your stunts?"
There was a loud whoop of joy from the back of the closet. "I
found it!" Bobby began to back out of the closet, pulling on something
that faintly resembled an octopus tentacle. "Oof. It's stuck. Come
here and help me, Hank old buddy."
"I believe you said that the less I knew, the better," Hank
replied archly. "Oh, all right, no need to scowl at me in such a
manner." He walked behind his friend, and reaching both arms around
Bobby, grabbed onto the object. They both began to tug.
"This material is amazingly strong," Hank grunted. "And
slippery." The tentacle began to stretch like a rubber band, and they
both lost hold of it at the same time, and fell backwards.
There was a sudden popping sound and a whoosh of hot air, and two
people suddenly appeared in the room.
"Ah-ha!" one of them cried, pointing an accusing finger at the
two men tangled on the floor. "We knew you were gay!"
Bobby rolled off of Hank, and stood, staring at the two
strangers. "Who the hell are you?"
The female of the pair stepped forward. "I'm Fangirl, and this
is Fanboy. We've been waiting for a moment like this for a long time:
conclusive proof that you're gay!"
Bobby's eyes widened. "Wait a minute, I'm not gay. What the
hell is this?" he sputtered.
Fanboy shook his head. "Oh come on. _Everybody_ knows you're
gay. You can't keep a relationship going--"
"I've just had bad luck is all," Bobby protested.
"-your lack of self-confidence--"
"Doesn't mean a thing!"
"-and your inability to live up to your potential-"
"I'm a free-spirit!"
"--and don't forget that comment Emma Frost made after inhabiting
your body. _Interior decorating?_ What else is that supposed to
mean?"
Bobby stamped his foot in annoyance. "Goddammit, I'm not gay!"
"Oh yeah, you're really going to convince us by having a hissy-
fit," Fangirl said with a laugh. "We just never knew who your gay
lover was. Now that we know that it's Beast-"
"I beg your pardon?" Hank said in surprise.
"-we can relax and find something else to nit-pick over in the
books," she finished with a contented sigh.
"Ah, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but _I_ am most
assuredly not gay," Hank informed the two visitors. "I am currently
involved in a heterosexual relationship, which admittedly is in a state
of limbo, but I have high hopes that it will someday be continued."*
"Hmmph," Fangirl grumbled. "Well, all right, but that doesn't
let you off the hook," she said, turning back to Bobby.
"Really," he said, holding out his hands in a pleading manner,
"I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I'm
not."
There was a rumbling sound coming from the hallway, and several
people suddenly burst into the room.
"It's about time," Bobby muttered. "Where were you guys? I
could really use some back-up here."
Cyclops replied, "Sorry. What's the situation?" He looked
suspiciously at the two strangers in the room. "Is it a bomb? Aliens?
Juggernaut? The Brood? Or god help us, the Neo?"
Bobby shook his head. "No, these two people think I'm gay."
There was a stunned silence.
"Well, aren't you?" Cyclops asked in surprise. Jean elbowed him
hard in the ribs. "Ow! Well, I thought he was," he grumbled
peevishly.
Prof. X said thoughtfully, "No, I do not believe he is. I am,
after all, the most powerful telepath on the planet, and I get no sense
that he is gay."
"Thank YOU!" Bobby shouted in relief. "Stick that in your pipe
and smoke it," he snapped at the two visitors.
Fangirl made a moue of disappointment. "Okay, if you say so.
Still, _somebody's_ got to be gay. I just know it."
"It sure as hell ain't me," Wolverine muttered. All eyes turned
to him. "Well, it ain't," he declared more loudly.
"Hmm," Fanboy said thoughtfully. "What about the aggressive
attitude toward other men, the blatant macho attitude, the motorcycle,
the leather jacket?"
"The cigar is an obvious phallic symbol," Fangirl cried
excitedly.
"That's it, then. Wolverine is definitely a closet homosexual,"
Fanboy said decidedly.
*SNIKT* "You wanna say that again, bub?"
"Um...no?" Fanboy backed up carefully. "I will never say it
again, I swear."
Fangirl was walking around the room, looking each person over
carefully. "What about you?" she said to Gambit. "There's always been
something a little...femmy about Remy."
He was silent for a moment, and reached into his jacket to pull
out a cigarette. Lighting it, during which Bobby muttered about people
smoking in his room, he then drew a long puff and let out a sizeable
cloud of smoke. He gave a very Gallic shrug. "Gambit admit he's gone
both ways in de' past-"
"Ah-ha!" Fanboy cried.
"-but Gambit's had eyes for no one but chere," he tilted his head
towards Rogue, "for years."
Rogue blushed. "Ah do think that is the sweetest thing ah've
evah heard." She sidled over to him, and gave him a simpering smile.
Fangirl sighed. "Doesn't really count, then. Gambit may be bi,
but since he's had the hots for Rogue for like forever, he's pretty
much the same as a hetero." She looked carefully at Rogue. "And she
might be, but who cares, since she can't touch anyone. Although..."
she continued thoughtfully.
"Hey, hey, I've got an idea," Fanboy burst in. "What about the
Professor?"
The Professor blinked in surprise. "What about the Professor?"
Fanboy said uncertainly, "Well, you've been around for a while.
Maybe, you know, you..." his voice trailed off.
"Young man, I've been with more women than anyone else here, with
the possible exception of Wolverine." He paused thoughtfully. "Let's
see, there's Moira, Gabby, Amelia, Lilandra..."
The others turned away from the Xavier, who continued to sit in
the corner, counting on his fingers.
"I do not understand your concern over who might be a
homosexual," Colossus asked in a confused tone.
Fanboy turned to him in surprise. "Wait a minute, aren't you
dead?"
Colossus shrugged. "I got better."
"No, no, no, that's no explanation," Fangirl broke in. "Unless
you're a clone-"
"or a reanimated corpse--" Fanboy added.
"or a Skrull-"
"or a Phalanx construct-"
"or have been reborn-"
"or have taken over someone else's body-"
"or actually live on an astral plane or another dimension-"
"or been replaced with Spiderman's baby-"
"or you were never actually Colossus to begin with, but were a
cosmic force masquerading as Colossus!"
Colossus shrugged again. "I just got better."
"Oh, who cares," Fangirl snapped. "Nobody likes him anyway.
That's why they killed him off."
"Hey!" Colossus said in a hurt tone. Everybody ignored him.
The Professor suddenly spoke up. "Hey, does Mirage count?"
"NO!" they all shouted. He turned back to his corner, muttering
under his breath.
Fangirl and Fanboy began whispering back and forth to each other.
A brief argument ensued, in which Fanboy could be heard to declare "I
_really_ don't think so," and then both turned towards Jean Grey and
Cyclops.
"What's your story?" Fanboy asked in an accusing tone.
Cyclops looked bewildered. "Um, we're married. So we can't be
gay."
Fangirl gave him a look that was full of pity. "That doesn't
mean anything. Haven't you heard all the rumors about Tom Cruise and
Nicole Kidman? Maybe one of you is covering up for the other."
Jean Grey snorted. "I don't think so. Scott's about as hetero
as they come. Trust me." She whispered telepathically to Fangirl
//And about as _boringly_ hetero as they come. He has sex like a
Danger Room drill. Efficient and on a regular schedule. //
"Hey, I heard that," Scott cried.
Jean patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, dear. I
was just joking." She rolled her eyes at Fangirl.
"Well, goddammit, _someone's_ gotta be gay," Fanboy said
dejectedly.
Beast spoke up: "He is correct. Statistically speaking, one of
us _should_ be gay." He looked expectantly around the room. Everyone
shuffled their feet and wouldn't look at anyone else. The silence was
heavy, broken only by the occasional clearing of a throat or a cough.
Storm suddenly entered the room, her new mohawk-ponytail bouncing
against her studded leather jacket. Various looks of comprehension
appeared on the faces of the occupants.
"I was wondering where you were-why are all of you looking at me
like that?"
The End
----------------------------
This story is not intended to be anything about humorous fluff, and in
no way is meant as a derogatory attack on gays. Any flames will get
ignored. I don't really care who might or might not be gay in the X-
men, and I don't really have that much invested in the possibility.
Personally, though, I've always thought there was _something_ going on
with Storm, especially in regards to her relationship with Yukio. Not
that there's anything wrong with that :)
And don't ask me what Bobby was trying to pull out of the closet. I
don't know either. It does read a little kinky, though, doesn't it?
I borrowed a few phrases and comments from some other people's racmx
discussions, just to give credit where it's due.
Non flaming comments can be sent to: rivka@danger-room.net
* See Neon Hearts, by Susan the Neon Nurse.
as to which of the X-men might or might not be gay. All characters are
Marvel's, and I'm not making any money off of this (who in heck would
_pay_ for it?), so don't sue me. Rated PG-ish for minor swearing and
kind of adult content.
Out of the Closet
Bobby Drake kicked through the pile of dirty clothes lying in
front of his bed, spreading them around with his left foot. A pair of
bright orange boxers got snagged on his toe, and with a grimace, he
flipped them across the room. They landed on top of his life-size
cardboard cut-out of Cher.
"Nope," he sighed. "Not in here." He knelt down and began to
peer cautiously under his bed. An amused chuckle behind him startled
Bobby, and he thunked his head on the bottom of the bed frame.
"Ow!" Bobby cried, rubbing the back of his head. He turned to
glare at Hank, who was standing in the doorway.
"You are still unable to locate this mysterious object?" Hank
asked. His gaze swept the room, and he shook his head. "If you
cleaned your room, you might have less difficulty in finding lost
items."
Bobby snorted. "What are you, my mom?" He stood up and brushed
off his knees, which had accumulated what appeared to be cracker dust
of some sort. "It's got be in here somewhere," he muttered. He began
to walk around the room aimlessly, picking up random objects to look
under them, and then stopped suddenly in front of the closet door.
"Ah-ha! I bet it's in here." He pulled the door open and began to
throw things out behind him.
"What is it that you're attempting to find? And why in the world
did you first think it would be in my room?" Hank asked as he dodged a
baseball mitt that flew perilously close to his head.
Bobby shook his head. "The less you know, the better."
"Hmm, let me guess," Hank said. "It is for some nefarious
purpose, such as a practical joke. You do recall what happened the
last time you pulled one of your stunts?"
There was a loud whoop of joy from the back of the closet. "I
found it!" Bobby began to back out of the closet, pulling on something
that faintly resembled an octopus tentacle. "Oof. It's stuck. Come
here and help me, Hank old buddy."
"I believe you said that the less I knew, the better," Hank
replied archly. "Oh, all right, no need to scowl at me in such a
manner." He walked behind his friend, and reaching both arms around
Bobby, grabbed onto the object. They both began to tug.
"This material is amazingly strong," Hank grunted. "And
slippery." The tentacle began to stretch like a rubber band, and they
both lost hold of it at the same time, and fell backwards.
There was a sudden popping sound and a whoosh of hot air, and two
people suddenly appeared in the room.
"Ah-ha!" one of them cried, pointing an accusing finger at the
two men tangled on the floor. "We knew you were gay!"
Bobby rolled off of Hank, and stood, staring at the two
strangers. "Who the hell are you?"
The female of the pair stepped forward. "I'm Fangirl, and this
is Fanboy. We've been waiting for a moment like this for a long time:
conclusive proof that you're gay!"
Bobby's eyes widened. "Wait a minute, I'm not gay. What the
hell is this?" he sputtered.
Fanboy shook his head. "Oh come on. _Everybody_ knows you're
gay. You can't keep a relationship going--"
"I've just had bad luck is all," Bobby protested.
"-your lack of self-confidence--"
"Doesn't mean a thing!"
"-and your inability to live up to your potential-"
"I'm a free-spirit!"
"--and don't forget that comment Emma Frost made after inhabiting
your body. _Interior decorating?_ What else is that supposed to
mean?"
Bobby stamped his foot in annoyance. "Goddammit, I'm not gay!"
"Oh yeah, you're really going to convince us by having a hissy-
fit," Fangirl said with a laugh. "We just never knew who your gay
lover was. Now that we know that it's Beast-"
"I beg your pardon?" Hank said in surprise.
"-we can relax and find something else to nit-pick over in the
books," she finished with a contented sigh.
"Ah, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but _I_ am most
assuredly not gay," Hank informed the two visitors. "I am currently
involved in a heterosexual relationship, which admittedly is in a state
of limbo, but I have high hopes that it will someday be continued."*
"Hmmph," Fangirl grumbled. "Well, all right, but that doesn't
let you off the hook," she said, turning back to Bobby.
"Really," he said, holding out his hands in a pleading manner,
"I'm not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I'm
not."
There was a rumbling sound coming from the hallway, and several
people suddenly burst into the room.
"It's about time," Bobby muttered. "Where were you guys? I
could really use some back-up here."
Cyclops replied, "Sorry. What's the situation?" He looked
suspiciously at the two strangers in the room. "Is it a bomb? Aliens?
Juggernaut? The Brood? Or god help us, the Neo?"
Bobby shook his head. "No, these two people think I'm gay."
There was a stunned silence.
"Well, aren't you?" Cyclops asked in surprise. Jean elbowed him
hard in the ribs. "Ow! Well, I thought he was," he grumbled
peevishly.
Prof. X said thoughtfully, "No, I do not believe he is. I am,
after all, the most powerful telepath on the planet, and I get no sense
that he is gay."
"Thank YOU!" Bobby shouted in relief. "Stick that in your pipe
and smoke it," he snapped at the two visitors.
Fangirl made a moue of disappointment. "Okay, if you say so.
Still, _somebody's_ got to be gay. I just know it."
"It sure as hell ain't me," Wolverine muttered. All eyes turned
to him. "Well, it ain't," he declared more loudly.
"Hmm," Fanboy said thoughtfully. "What about the aggressive
attitude toward other men, the blatant macho attitude, the motorcycle,
the leather jacket?"
"The cigar is an obvious phallic symbol," Fangirl cried
excitedly.
"That's it, then. Wolverine is definitely a closet homosexual,"
Fanboy said decidedly.
*SNIKT* "You wanna say that again, bub?"
"Um...no?" Fanboy backed up carefully. "I will never say it
again, I swear."
Fangirl was walking around the room, looking each person over
carefully. "What about you?" she said to Gambit. "There's always been
something a little...femmy about Remy."
He was silent for a moment, and reached into his jacket to pull
out a cigarette. Lighting it, during which Bobby muttered about people
smoking in his room, he then drew a long puff and let out a sizeable
cloud of smoke. He gave a very Gallic shrug. "Gambit admit he's gone
both ways in de' past-"
"Ah-ha!" Fanboy cried.
"-but Gambit's had eyes for no one but chere," he tilted his head
towards Rogue, "for years."
Rogue blushed. "Ah do think that is the sweetest thing ah've
evah heard." She sidled over to him, and gave him a simpering smile.
Fangirl sighed. "Doesn't really count, then. Gambit may be bi,
but since he's had the hots for Rogue for like forever, he's pretty
much the same as a hetero." She looked carefully at Rogue. "And she
might be, but who cares, since she can't touch anyone. Although..."
she continued thoughtfully.
"Hey, hey, I've got an idea," Fanboy burst in. "What about the
Professor?"
The Professor blinked in surprise. "What about the Professor?"
Fanboy said uncertainly, "Well, you've been around for a while.
Maybe, you know, you..." his voice trailed off.
"Young man, I've been with more women than anyone else here, with
the possible exception of Wolverine." He paused thoughtfully. "Let's
see, there's Moira, Gabby, Amelia, Lilandra..."
The others turned away from the Xavier, who continued to sit in
the corner, counting on his fingers.
"I do not understand your concern over who might be a
homosexual," Colossus asked in a confused tone.
Fanboy turned to him in surprise. "Wait a minute, aren't you
dead?"
Colossus shrugged. "I got better."
"No, no, no, that's no explanation," Fangirl broke in. "Unless
you're a clone-"
"or a reanimated corpse--" Fanboy added.
"or a Skrull-"
"or a Phalanx construct-"
"or have been reborn-"
"or have taken over someone else's body-"
"or actually live on an astral plane or another dimension-"
"or been replaced with Spiderman's baby-"
"or you were never actually Colossus to begin with, but were a
cosmic force masquerading as Colossus!"
Colossus shrugged again. "I just got better."
"Oh, who cares," Fangirl snapped. "Nobody likes him anyway.
That's why they killed him off."
"Hey!" Colossus said in a hurt tone. Everybody ignored him.
The Professor suddenly spoke up. "Hey, does Mirage count?"
"NO!" they all shouted. He turned back to his corner, muttering
under his breath.
Fangirl and Fanboy began whispering back and forth to each other.
A brief argument ensued, in which Fanboy could be heard to declare "I
_really_ don't think so," and then both turned towards Jean Grey and
Cyclops.
"What's your story?" Fanboy asked in an accusing tone.
Cyclops looked bewildered. "Um, we're married. So we can't be
gay."
Fangirl gave him a look that was full of pity. "That doesn't
mean anything. Haven't you heard all the rumors about Tom Cruise and
Nicole Kidman? Maybe one of you is covering up for the other."
Jean Grey snorted. "I don't think so. Scott's about as hetero
as they come. Trust me." She whispered telepathically to Fangirl
//And about as _boringly_ hetero as they come. He has sex like a
Danger Room drill. Efficient and on a regular schedule. //
"Hey, I heard that," Scott cried.
Jean patted him on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it, dear. I
was just joking." She rolled her eyes at Fangirl.
"Well, goddammit, _someone's_ gotta be gay," Fanboy said
dejectedly.
Beast spoke up: "He is correct. Statistically speaking, one of
us _should_ be gay." He looked expectantly around the room. Everyone
shuffled their feet and wouldn't look at anyone else. The silence was
heavy, broken only by the occasional clearing of a throat or a cough.
Storm suddenly entered the room, her new mohawk-ponytail bouncing
against her studded leather jacket. Various looks of comprehension
appeared on the faces of the occupants.
"I was wondering where you were-why are all of you looking at me
like that?"
The End
----------------------------
This story is not intended to be anything about humorous fluff, and in
no way is meant as a derogatory attack on gays. Any flames will get
ignored. I don't really care who might or might not be gay in the X-
men, and I don't really have that much invested in the possibility.
Personally, though, I've always thought there was _something_ going on
with Storm, especially in regards to her relationship with Yukio. Not
that there's anything wrong with that :)
And don't ask me what Bobby was trying to pull out of the closet. I
don't know either. It does read a little kinky, though, doesn't it?
I borrowed a few phrases and comments from some other people's racmx
discussions, just to give credit where it's due.
Non flaming comments can be sent to: rivka@danger-room.net
* See Neon Hearts, by Susan the Neon Nurse.