You Can't Win! on Invader Zim (Episode 3)
By Lady of the Wolves
Dedicated to Billow and Bob
*Lights blaze, audience screams and claps loudly. Theme songs plays. Camera cuts to stage, shot of smiling woman*
The woman has shoulder-length brown hair curled at the ends. She's wearing an orange and pink floral outift.
Woman: Hi everyone! I'm your host, Anita Clue. Welcome to this week's episode of "You Can't Win!"
*Audience screams and cheers. Clapping stops two minutes later*
Anita: On today's show, our guests have come quite a ways to be here with us! So I will be very pleased to introduce.... Contestant Number One!
*Crowd claps*
A short boy with black hair and glasses comes onstage. He's wearing a blue shirt and a trenchcoat.
Anita: Let's hear it for Dib!
*Crowd goes crazy*
Dib: Um....Hello?
Anita (smiling): Dib likes to watch "Mysterious Mysteries" and hunt paranormal creatures, including his classmate, Zim....who is Contestant Number Two!
*Crowd goes wild*
Dib (standing at his podium): ZIM IS AN ALIEN!!!!
*Crowd laughs*
Anita: Give a "You Can't Win!" welcome to Zim!
*Audience goes wild*
A small boy with green skin, black hair, and a noticable lack of ears and a nose skitters onstage.
Anita: Zim likes to conduct experiments and try to take over the world!
*Audience claps*
Dib (turning to face the audience): Isn't it obvious?! He's an alien!
*Crowd laughs*
Anita: Ahem. Thank you, Dib. Now, let's make some noise for.... Contestant Number Three!
*Crowd goes insane*
A snake-like woman slithers onstage. She's wearing a black dress and her white hair is done up in a tight bun.
Anita: She's everyone's favorite teacher, Miss Bitters! She enjoys foretelling everyone's doom!
Miss Bitters (to Anita): We are all doomed!
*Audience claps politely*
Anita: Ok, now it's time to reveal today's categories.
*She waves her hand and the on the screen behind her appears five purple boxes.
Anita: We have: The Color Yellow, The Brady Bunch, Tashkent, Doors, and GDOOBA!
*Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Let's review the lifelines. They are: 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE!
Miss Bitters: I like that last one, we ARE all doomed! But what does it do?
Anita (laughing): I'm glad you asked. Audience, you know what to do now!
*All audience members reach below their seats and pummel Miss Bitters with bouncy balls. Zim and Dib duck under their podiums*
Dib: Hit Zim! He's the alien!
Miss Bitters: Aaarrrgggghhhhh!!! Stop that at once! You are all doomed! DOOOOOOOOOOMED!!!
*Audience stops*
Anita: Thank you, Contestant Number Three! Now, Contestant Number One, please choose a category!
Dib (afraid): Well....How about Doors?
*Crowd claps*
Anita: Great! And your question is: What type of door is about to be thrown on you?
Dib: What?!
Anita (laughing): I'm sorry, but that was incorrect. And, since you got the question wrong....
Audience: YOU GET A TWO-TON STEEL BANK VAULT DOOR THROWN ON YOU!!!!
Dib: Excuse me?!?!?!
*Sixty armed thugs drag over a two-ton steel bank vault door over. Dib tried to run, but they quickly flip it over on top of him. Crowd goes wild*
Dib (from underneath the door): Ow....
*Zim snickers. Audience laughs*
Anita: Great! Now, Contestant Number Two, it's your turn!
*Zim gulps*
Anita: Come on, Zim, we're just a friendly TV show. There's NOTHING to be afraid of!
Zim (muttering): Foolish humans.
Anita: What was that?
Dib (underneath the door): He admitted to being an alien!
*Audience laughs*
Zim: I DO NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE, PITIFUL EARTH WEAKLINGS!!! I WILL CONQUER YOU!!! BOW BEFORE ME!! INVADERS NEED NO ONE!!!!!!! ONCE EARTH IS IRKEN PROPERTY, THE ALMIGHTY TALLEST WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!!!!!!
Anita: Oooooooookay, Zim. I'm sorry, but that was incorrect!
Zim (furious): IT WASN'T AN ANSWER!!!
Anita (laughing): Of course it wasn't! But that IS NOT the point! Any why?
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
Anita: So....You must give Dib a hug!
Dib (trying to get out from under the door) and Zim together: NEVER!!!!
*The six original armed thugs, using cattle prods, force Zim to approach the steel door that Dib is trapped under*
Zim: YOU WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF THE IRKENS!!!
*Zim leaps over armed thug #6 and takes off around the studio. Audience cheers. Thugs chase Zim*
Dib: Thank goodness!
Anita: Zim, please accept our consolation prize of a season pass to the circus with Keef, your bestest friend!
*A curtain raises and Keef steps out, holding two circus season passes*
Keef: Let's go to the circus, Zim! I LOVE the circus! Don't you just LOVE the circus?!
Zim (dumbfounded and horrified/terrified): But...but...
Keef: Oh, those eye things you gave me? The squirrel attacked me and they fell out, so I got new contacts! What a great present, though!
Zim: NO!! NOOOO!!!! NOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Zim runs out a door screaming. Keef follows*
Anita: Contestant Number Three, it's your turn!
Miss Bitters: Finally! We're all doomed! You especially!!!
*Crowd laughs*
Anita: A category...?
Miss Bitters: I pick that GDOOBA one. It's the closest to DOOM!
*Audience cheers*
Anita: Excellent! Your question: SejdfhRR! dgZMNDi ifg UUTd OUbsudiU! JoarevUYYYYTYYYY?
Miss Bitters: I am DOOMED!!
Anita (laughing): Apparently! The correct answer was "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion!
Miss Bitters: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Crowd laughs*
Anita: I'm afraid that since you got the question wrong, you....
Audience: WILL BE TURNED INTO A SQUIRREL!!!!
Miss Bitters (disappointed): Not a snake?
*Armed thugs approach, carrying a book of spells. Armed thug #2 begins to chant. Miss Bitters stands there, looking impatient*
Anita: Aren't you going to run?
Miss Bitters (shrugging): Why bother? We're already DOOMED!!!!
*A puff of pink smoke blinds everyone momentarily. When it clears, a gray squirrel is sitting where Miss Bitters was*
Squirrel: Doom!
*Audience goes wild*
Anita: Thanks for playing! You win this chip that will be implanted in your brain!
Dib (still underneath the door): What does it do?
Anita: It doesn't let Miss Bitters/the squirrel to EVER say the word 'doom' again!!
Miss Bitters/squirrel: NOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Armed thugs with anti-doom chip chase squirrel out of the studio*
Anita: Great! Now, Dib, are you ready for another question?
Dib: Please, no!!!!!!!!
*Crowd laughs*
Anita: I'm sorry, Dib, but you MUST pick a category!
Dib (sighing): Fine! I pick The Color Yellow!
*Crowd cheers*
Dib: For the record, Zim is an alien!
Anita: How do you get to Level 581,460,677 in Parf Killer, a popular game on Game Slave?
Dib: Uh....I want to use my phone a friend lifelife!
*Crowd cheers*
Anita: Who would you like to call?
Dib: My sister, Gaz!
Anita: Ok, let's call Gaz!
*Waits a moment. Then a voice, broadcasted from the studio's speaker fills the room*
Gaz: What?
Anita: Your brother, Dib, has called you to ask you something!
Gaz: Who is this?
Anita: This is Anita Clue, host of "You Can't Win!"
Gaz: I see that.
Anita: Dib, you have thirty seconds to ask Gaz your question!
Dib: Gaz, how do you get to level 581,460,677 on Parf Killer?
Gaz: Why do you care?
Dib: Gaz, come on!
Gaz: Why should I tell you?
Dib: I need help!
Gaz: I've known that for a long time now!
Anita: I'm sorry, Dib, but your thirty seconds are up!
Dib: No, wait!
Gaz: I hope you know that this waste-of-time phone call made me skip valuable time that COULD have been used playing on my Game Slave! I'll get you for this, Dib!
Dib: NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Crowd laughs*
Anita: I'm sorry, Dib, but that was incorrect!
Dib (looking around frantically): Wait! That wasn't-
*Armed thugs approach*
Anita: Since you answered incorrectly, you must....
Audience: BE LOCKED IN A ROOM WITH BARNEY AND FRIENDS FOR A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dib: Have you people no SHAME??!?!?!!!
*Audience laughs. Armed thugs flip the door off Dib and grab him. Dib, who is fighting, is taken over to a door in the rear of the studio*
Dib: Who wins?
Anita (smiling): I'm glad you asked that!
*Audience cheers. Armed thugs stop, wanting to know who the winner is*
Anita: Drumroll, please!
*Drumroll*
Anita: And the winner is....GIR!
GIR (sitting in the second row): Cool! I won!
*Crowd goes wild. GIR (in puppy costume) skips down to the stage and shakes hands with Anita*
Anita: Congratulations, GIR! You win $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, this black Mustang convertible-
*Armed thug #4 drives car onto stage*
Anita (continuing): Your own beach-front property in California, and a lifetime supply of chocolate bubblegum!
GIR: Whoopee!
Audience: Oh, how cute!
Dib: WHAT?!!?!?! Why did HE win? He wasn't playing!
Anita: Dib, perhaps you should have read the rules prior to coming on the show!
Dib (hysterical): WHAT RULES?!?!?!?!
*Audience laughs*
GIR: I won! I won!
*Zim runs in from the back door and jumps into the passenger seat of the Mustang*
Zim: Let's go, GIR!
GIR: Yes, master!
*GIR climbs into the driver's seat and waves at the audience*
Audience: Aaawwwwwww, he's ADORABLE!!!
Dib: ZIM IS AN ALIEN!!!!!
Zim: SAD LITTLE EARTH MONKEY, HA HA HA!!!
*Audience laughs. Thugs throw him in the room with Barney*
Dib: NOOOOOOOOO!!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!
*Zim laughs evilly and GIR drives the car out of the studio*
Anita: Join us next week for another great episode of-
*Dib bursts through the door, covered in sweat, eyes wild in fear, and runs off of the set. Armed thugs follow*
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
THE END
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Invader Zim characters. They belong to Nickelodeon and everyone who came up with them. 'Anita Clue' 's name does not belong to me either.
Celine Dion owns her name and whoever wrote it owns the song. I own the plot.
I would like to thank Star Shadow for all of the help with this story, as well as sunflower.
If you liked this story, you can read episodes of "You Can't Win!" in the Tamora Pierce
(and coming soon) Harry Potter sections under my name.
Whether you liked this story or hated it, PLEASE REVIEW!!!!