John Carter grinned and held out his arms, scooping up the little girl who ran to him.
"Daddy! You're home! I missed you bunches and bunches!"
He kissed her cheek and spun her around so they both faced the entry to the living room, where the girl's mother stood holding Foo-Foo, their overweight gray cat whom they had mistakenly let their daughter name at the age of 3. John still felt silly when calling "Foo-Foo" in to eat. She dropped the cat, who waddled to the kitchen where his dinner was waiting.
"Lisa, you'll hurt daddy's back."
"Honey, you worry entirely too much."
"I can't help it!"
"I know, I know. OK, hop down sweetie, Mom's right."
"Fine." Lisa pouted as she let go of her father's neck and dropped to the carpet.
"Wipe the frown off that adorable face and go wash up for dinner please." John smiled at his daughter, the image of her mother with long straight blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She obeyed, grinning as she did. Nothing could keep Lisa upset for long. John moved closer to the doorway, hugging his wife tightly.
"I missed you today, Luce. What time are you on tomorrow?"
"10. AM. Missed you too. How was your shift?"
"Long, crazy. Tiring. You try dealing with ridiculously squeamish med students. Charlie threw up in a patient today."
"In?"
"Oh yeah...we got slammed, and I brought him in to keep his finger on this guy's aorta...med student, trauma surgery equipment, what's the difference? Anyway, he got a little sick, and..." He shuddered as he recalled the incident. "Let's just say I'm glad to be home."
"John..." She looked at him lovingly, but said nothing else.
"What?"
"Go set the table please." What she really wanted to tell him would have to wait.
"Sure...and Luce?"
"Yeah John?"
"Love ya."
"Love ya too." They grinned as Lucy went to turn off the oven and John headed into the dining room to set the table.
~*~
"How's your back?"
"Luce, it's fine." They had just put Lisa to bed and they were lying together on the couch, watching a video they rented. They always planned something quiet to do in the house on weekdays when they were home at the same time. Otherwise they'd never see Lisa. They went out on weekends, usually. If they didn't have to work, which they both often did. John had become the chief of staff, and if he did say so himself, he was doing wonders compared to Romano, and Sarah Williams, the woman who replaced Romano for a very brief time before John was promoted. But he didn't say so himself. Nobody had even felt comfortable around the 2 previous chiefs, let alone liked them.
"You shouldn't pick her up, she's getting too big."
"She's just six, and you can't lift her either. I'm more worried about you than I am me."
"So how much does it hurt?"
"No more than usual."
"I knew it...don't hurt yourself, I need you."
"Same here...what did you want to tell me before?"
"What?"
"We know each other too well. We have for a long time. What were you going to tell me?"
"I...we're going to have another baby."
"Are you serious?" John hugged her and kissed her, grinning like a fool.
"Yeah...Another little girl."
"And you waited til now to tell me? How far are you?"
"3 and a half months. I wanted to make sure this time..."
"I know...but this is a new chance for us, nothing like that is ever going to happen again."
"I hope so..." She lay back in his arms and soon fell asleep. Smiling contently, he held his wife in his arms and let her sleep, not bothering to move her. Soon, he was drifting off to sleep as well....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
John woke with a start and looked around him, confused. It wasn't the morning, he wasn't on the couch, he wasn't in the beautifully decorated house with sun streaming through the windows. He was in a dark little room with a bed which could barely even be referred to as a cot. The blankets were like those of a hotel, but older and much more worn. The walls were a dirty white, illuminated in the pale light from the bathroom which he kept glowing, if only to remind himself that he could still see...that he was living. When she...where was she? Lucy...his...and the reality hit him like a ton of bricks.
This room was not in a house, not even in his apartment. It was the middle of the night in Atlanta, and he was alone in a rehab center. Lucy wasn't his wife, she had never been. And she never would be. He had loved her, loved her more than he let himself feel, certainly more than he had ever shown her. Even in their few fleeting moments of passion, he had held back from telling her what he should have. And now she was gone. Dead.
He laid his head on the thin pillow and thought of the life he'd created for himself in just that one dream. The perfect mix of joy and tradgedy. A beautiful wife and daughter, with another on the way. Obviously, their conversation had implied previous difficulty, as well as the stabbing, but...they had each other. It was all he ever wanted, someone he loved that much to go through life with. And Paul Sobriki had ripped it away from him.
*Get over it, Bozo. She never would have gone for you anyway. Lucy hated you...or didn't like you that way, at least.*
He wanted to protest that thought, convince himself that it wasn't true. But it was. He wouldn't have had the perfect life with Lucy. She'd be alive, but never with him. *But alive* he reminded himself sadly. He turned his head to the side and looked at the dirty wall, trying to fall asleep, fighting the tears that came to his eyes. He felt like he was falling down an endless flight of stairs, the way he had felt sometimes on those days...and god what he wouldn't give for something, anything to dull the feeling. Even if he had it, they were force feeding him Narcan. There was nothing he could do but feel, feel the falling and the pain. He let the tears fall, knowing he was totally alone and no one would see him, hear him cry, recommend psychiatric help, whatever they thought they needed to do. No one could just let him be. No one could let him spiral downward, free fall into utter addiction until he blurred his senses too much to feel anything anymore. They couldn't let him go, let him quietly slip away from an OD on the floor of his apartment. They wouldn't give up on him, and he hated it, hated them all for it.
So he lay there, letting tears run down his cheeks, wishing he could just give up on it all, not wanting to fall asleep again. He didn't want to face that dream again. But soon, the falling sensation stopped and he awoke, Lucy snuggling close to him on a blue couch in a bright room, sunlight spilling through the high windows. He held her tighter, wishing that dreams could last forever.