The atmosphere in Professor Snape's classroom was cold and bitter, as usual.  Gryffindors sat on one side of the room and Slytherins on the other.  They were having glaring contests when Professor Snape strode into the room, his hair greasier than usual.  

     "Today is your aptitude exam," he sneered.  "It will decide what job is best suited for you," he said as he handed out the tests. 

     He looked around the room.  "Begin!"

     Harry stared down at his paper.

1.) What do you like to do in your spare time?

a.) Clip your toenails

b.) Wax your legs

c.) Read Hogwarts, A History

d.) Eat Hagrid's rock cakes

What kind of test is this?!, thought Harry as he stared at the paper.  He circled A because he didn't find a better answer.  Hermione triumphantly circled C.  "This test knows me so well!"  She exclaimed. 

     "Ten points from Gryffindor!" Snape barked.

     Draco Malfoy was reading question three, meanwhile.

3.) What's your favorite animal?

a.) Cute fluffy bunnies

b.) Cuddly wuddly puppies

c.) Furry widdle kitties

d.) Bats

Why bats?  "Cute fluffy bunnies, of course!"  He thought aloud as he circled A.  Ron snorted and started turning red.  Malfoy glared at him.

Ron started taking deep breaths as he himself circled C.  Everyone knows furry widdle kitties are better than stupid bunnies, he thought with a smirk in Malfoy's direction.  He glanced at Hermione, who looked like she was having trouble choosing between bats and cuddly wuddly puppies.  She kept erasing one answer and then circling the other. 

Harry thought this test was really a way for the teachers to blackmail the students as he circled the cute fluffy bunnies and glared at Malfoy simultaneously.

Ron looked back at his paper and started to read question seven.

7.) If you were a sweet, what would you be?

a.) A Cockroach Cluster

b.) Ice Mice

c.) A booger-flavored Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean

d.) A Chocolate Frog

Ron stared at the paper in horror.  A booger-flavored bean?  Heck no!  He decided to circle D.  It seemed to be the safest answer. 

Malfoy looked over at Crabbe's paper and saw that he circled "booger-flavored beans".  He gagged.

15.) Describe yourself in one sentence.

     This is too easy, thought Malfoy.  He wrote, "I'm too sexy for my shirt."

     One row away, Harry was writing the exact same thing.

     Neville, who was sitting up front, was reading the last question.

20.) What is your worst fear?

a.) The Spice Girls

b.) Big Bird

c.) Cute fluffy werebunnies

d.) The guy on the Quaker Oatmeal box.

Neville gasped.  How did this test know he was afraid of the guy on the Quaker Oatmeal box?  He shivered as he thought about that sinister smile. 

Malfoy looked around to make sure no one was looking as he answered, "Big Bird".

     "Time's up!" said Snape.  "Close your papers and hand them in.  You will get your results tomorrow."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next day the class could barely contain themselves. 

     Snape strode in the room with an evil smile on his face.  He passed out the tests and was unusually quiet as he did so.  He then retreated to his desk with a smile plastered on his face.  "You may see your results now."        

     Hermione was the first to open her test.  "I can't wait to see my results!!" she squealed.  She ripped open the paper and her face fell.  "What?!  No, this isn't right!"

     "What did you get?" Ron asked eagerly.  "I'm going to be a galleonaire who plays golf all day!"

     Hermione looked like she had been Stunned.  "I'm a bartender!"  Ron looked at her weirdly. 

     "Hey, I'm the Queen of England!"  Neville exclaimed.  The whole class stared at him.

     Malfoy shouted indignantly, "Who's idea was it to make me the gamekeeper of Hogwarts?!"  Ron, Harry, and Hermione (who had temporarily forgotten her test) stared at him in disbelief. 

     Harry cautiously opened his test.  "I work in the…gnome fields?  This whole test is a load of –" he was interrupted by Malfoy's drawling voice.

     "Listen to this.  Crabbe is a CEO of an American company." 

     "I'm a cosmetics salesperson!" said Dean, pouting.

     "That couldn't be as bad as being the Queen of England," Neville reassured him.

     "Oh yeah?  No one here is a professional fry cook!"  Everyone turned to look at Parvati, who blushed profusely.  Malfoy turned to Goyle.

     "What about you Goyle?  Care to show your results?"  Goyle shrugged and handed the paper to Malfoy. 

     Malfoy's mouth dropped.  "Minister of Magic?"  He dropped the paper.

     Snape's smile cracked.  "I suppose Goyle has some hidden talents, doesn't he?" 

     Hermione piped up.  "Sir, this test is rigged!  There's no possible way I can be a bartender, I don't even know how to make a smoothie, much less work a blender, because ever since I accidentally left the lid off, I –"

     Malfoy said, "If my father found out I was to be gamekeeper, surely he would see to it that the test wasn't rigged and he would make sure that I had the job I was destined for, which is obviously not a gamekeeper…"

     "Enough with the italics!" exclaimed Ron.

     "No one asked you, Weasley, why don't you keep your nose out of people's business…"

     Professor Snape could hold it in no longer.  He let out his breath and fell to the floor laughing hysterically as his face slowly turned an astonishing shade of red.  He was positively writhing on the floor and clutching his side.  The class diverted their attention to him, eyes wide in shock.  Ron looked like he would explode if he turned any redder from holding his breath, Hermione's eyes were incredibly wide and her cheeks were puffed out, and Malfoy's mouth was almost touching the ground. 

     And Professor McGonagall picked that exact moment to walk into the classroom.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~