Okay people, I have succeeded
in scaring myself. I think that I have actually developed another personality
and called her Aeryn. She yells at me a lot. Anyway, this was supposed to be
the Wonderland fic, but I didn't bother to do any research, so it kinda sucks.
I also set a new record for number of times I say the word, "sucks." Because
this fic sucks.
Crichton In
Wonderland, But Not For Long, Because The Author Didn't Bother To Do Any
Research At All, And In Fact Has Not Read "Alice In Wonderland" Or Seen The Movie
In Over A Year. Kinda Makes You All Wish You Had Written It When You Had The
Chance, Huh? And I Think This Is The Longest Title Now, Even Longer Than That
One Fiona Apple Title, Which Is Sixty-Seven Words Long, Or Something Like That.
This Title Is Eighty-Four Words Long.
[Correction: Fiona's
title is ninty-some words. I have failed in my self-appointed quest to have a
longer title than Fiona Apple. Dammit.]
Prologue
Once upon a time
there was a scientist named Alice Crichton. He was very embarrassed by his
first name, so he changed it to John. One day he was napping under an apple
tree, hoping to rediscover gravity, when he followed a little gray/green muppet
into a rabbit hole. And then the fun began…
Chapter 1
The muppet was
floating in a chair, waving a scepter and asserting, "I am Rygel XVI, dominar
of six hundred billion people. I don't need to talk to you!" over and over.
Crichton stared at him in scientific bafflement, and then followed him into the
rabbit hole. It may be noted that regular rabbit holes are quite a bit too
small for humans, but just go with it.
Upon entering the
rabbit hole, Crichton was surprised to find a small room with a regular-looking
end table. On it were two foodcubes; one was labeled "EAT ME" and the other
labeled "NO, EAT ME FIRST." Crichton ignored them both and walked through the
door. Yes, I know I didn't mention the door before, I forgot, okay?
Crichton wandered
past a mock-turtle and a bunch of shrimps, because I haven't read "Alice in
Wonderland" in a long time, and I wouldn't know how to properly Farscapeize
that scene. He went straight to the Tea Party.
At this point, Corde
realized she should have read "Alice in Wonderland" before she started to write
this spoof, but she was too lazy to go find her copy and skim it. Also, she
didn't have a topic for her fic-of-the-day, and decided she could "use rhetoric
to obscure the lack of topic," as Jake would say. That was for the Animorph
fans out there. Corde just read #10 and was quite amused by Marco as the
narrator.
So Crichton stumbled
onto a tea party in the middle of the woods and sat down. There was a very blue
woman with a large hat on, eating tea and drinking crumpets. There was also a
strange-looking man with tentacles and big brown furry bunny ears. Hey, we have
to have some way of telling who they are, don't we? The Mad Hatter and the
March Hare. Don't you people know your Wonderland? Sheesh. Anyway, there was
also a Pilot in a teapot, who recited a little poem.
Twinkle
twinkle little ship,
When
we're on you, it's a trip.
Out
in space it is so dark,
Like
the inside of a shark.
Twinkle
twinkle little ship,
When
we ride you it's a trip.
Seeing that no one
was going to stop him, he went on to the second verse.
Twinkle,
twinkle Moya dear,
With
luxan blood and human fear.
A
few kisses, lots of luck
Maybe
later, just one f—
Corde cut in. "Let's
keep it PG13, shall we?"
So the Mad Hatter and
the Hare (Zhaan and D'Argo, remember?) were having a grand old time, and then
Crichton decided he had had enough of the party and left. He was wandering in
the woods when he heard a disembodied voice singing something really awful.
(Didn't the cat sing or something? I forget.) Then he saw a really bad hairdo,
floating in midair. Soon the rest of Chia's body materialized. See? She's being
the Cheshire Cat. Oh pipe down, you didn't write it so I get my way.
He kept walking and
soon ran across two familiar figures. It looked just like the Mad Hatter and
the March Hare, but actually it was Tweedledum and Tweedlereallydum. See,
D'Argo and Zhaan have to double up here, because there aren't enough people.
And I'm not even doing all of them.
Then he walked some
more, and came upon a croquet field. Crais was there, dressed in a pretty red
dress and singing "The Crais Song." His henchmen were scattered around the
field, making sure his croquet ball went through at least one hoop each time.
He looked up when Crichton walked onto the field, and shouted, "Off with his
head! By the way, who's the prettiest Red Queen around?" His henchmen all
cried, "It's you! It's you!" Crichton took the hint and ran away.
He ran for a very
long time, until he ran into a very large mushroom. The muppet was sitting on
it, smoking and waving his scepter. "Whooooooo…. Arrrrrrrrre…. Youuuuuuuuu…?"
he asked. Then went on, "Oh, don't bother telling me. I don't really care. Go
away." Crichton went.
He woke up some time
later, still under the apple tree, but with a large bruise on his head and an
apple on the ground next to him. "Wow," he said. "I must have gotten bonked on
the head by an apple, passed out and had a strange dream."
THE END
Chapter
2
"I am
continually impressed, Corde," said Aeryn. "Every time I think you can't
possibly write anything stupider, you write more."
"Gee,
thanks," said Corde grumpily. "Glad you liked it."
"It
sucked."
"Um….
Anthony told me to do it."
"Oh he
DID, did he?" Aeryn glared warningly at Anthony.
Who wasn't
there. "You forgot what happened the last time I used him," said Corde. "He put
me in one of his fics, and it wasn't pretty."
"Oh
yeah," said Aeryn. "Never mind then." They sat in silence.
"So…"
said Corde, desperately looking for some sort of topic. "If you were a
vegetable, what kind of vegetable would you be?"
"Eggplant,"
Aeryn replied absently. Then she did a doubletake. "What did I just say?"
Corde
giggled. Aeryn glared. Corde decided to change the topic. She started singing
to herself. "Twinkle, twinkle, little ship…"
Aeryn
said in a voice full of pure venom, "If you even think about singing the second
verse, I'll rip your throat out and hogtie you with it."
"Would
it even be long enough?" Corde asked just for the macabre value of the question.
Aeryn
grinned ferally. "I'd MAKE it long enough."
Corde
shrugged and sang Christmas carols to herself.
"Why are
you in such a bad mood, Aeryn?" Corde asked idly after Aeryn had been stonily
ignoring her for several minutes.
"You're
the author, you tell me," Aeryn snapped.
"Is it
because I didn't put you in the Wonderland fic?"
"Gods
no! I would have had to shoot myself if you had."
"Is it
because this fic sucks?"
"That's
part of it…"
"Is it because
you are part of my personality, and in talking to you I am actually talking to
myself?"
"That
sounds about right."
Corde
considered this. "So what am I mad at myself about?"
"Is it
because this fic sucks?"
"Oh,
yeah, that's probably it. Hey, thanks for finding my problem for me, Aeryn!"
"No
problem," said Aeryn. "That's what fictional characters are for. That and moral
discussions."
"Right,"
said Corde. They looked at each other and laughed, then walked into the sunset.
THE END