Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this story; they're the property of Paramount and Gene Roddenberry's legacy. I promise
to return them in one piece.
Author's Note: This time I stole dialouge/the general idea from the Fiona Apple song "Criminal." No offense intended to her,
either. The letter is from Lauren Christy's song "You Read Me Wrong." Please don't sue ;)
Sequel to: "Almost Like It Used to Be" and "To Be Sure."
Rating: PG, sure, why not?
ALL I KNEW OF LOVE
If she thought that weeping would change anything, she might have broken down there in her office. But she had learned from
their seven years in the Delta Quadrant that tears didn't change a damn thing. They only made your shirt wet and your eyes red.
There were tons of regrets floating around in her mind as she re-read Chakotay's letter. For all his tough exterior, he had a
delicate heart. And she had been careless with it because she could. She thought he'd always be there, so she assumed she
could keep putting him off.
Now he had given up. He believed all the lies about upholding protocol and needing time to recover. Without his love for her,
she knew a friendship was impossible. How could she interact with someone she loved if he didn't love her? She smiled bitterly,
realizing that he had been living that dilema since he walked onto her ship, a Starfleet outlaw under a no-holds-barred woman
captain.
She needed to tell him the truth. She needed to let him know that she was scared. Mark had left her, understandably, but she had
still felt abandoned. What if Chakotay lost hope in her too? He was a different man, of course; stronger and less likely to let her
have her way. He wouldn't abandon her.
But he just had.
So what could she say to him? How does the abuser appease the abuse? She wanted him back with her, by her side with his
hand on the small of her back. She wanted to go back to the night of the cocktail party, when they'd layed together in her bed, the
frozen rain falling against her window. She wanted a chance to make this right.
She saved his transmission to her computer and then opened a blank screen. She thought long and hard before she pressed the
record button:
"Dear Chakotay, your message came as a surprise. I had to read it a few times before I realized that you've been reading me
wrong all these years, which is exactly what I'd wanted. The lies I told were for my own protection; the fighting and disagreeing
were to keep you at bay. I didn't mean it. The stand-offish captain isn't me; I cry. I cried every time I saw you with someone new
while we were in the Delta Quadrant.
But I want to stop lying, Chakotay. I want to tell you that I've loved you since long before New Earth and for every minute after.
And I want a chance to make this right, to show you that it is love, and that there was temptation. Please don't turn me down.
Love, Kathryn."
She listened to her voice for any trembling; she watched her face for any indication that she'd been on the verge of tears. There
were none. So she sent a message to the moon.
to return them in one piece.
Author's Note: This time I stole dialouge/the general idea from the Fiona Apple song "Criminal." No offense intended to her,
either. The letter is from Lauren Christy's song "You Read Me Wrong." Please don't sue ;)
Sequel to: "Almost Like It Used to Be" and "To Be Sure."
Rating: PG, sure, why not?
ALL I KNEW OF LOVE
If she thought that weeping would change anything, she might have broken down there in her office. But she had learned from
their seven years in the Delta Quadrant that tears didn't change a damn thing. They only made your shirt wet and your eyes red.
There were tons of regrets floating around in her mind as she re-read Chakotay's letter. For all his tough exterior, he had a
delicate heart. And she had been careless with it because she could. She thought he'd always be there, so she assumed she
could keep putting him off.
Now he had given up. He believed all the lies about upholding protocol and needing time to recover. Without his love for her,
she knew a friendship was impossible. How could she interact with someone she loved if he didn't love her? She smiled bitterly,
realizing that he had been living that dilema since he walked onto her ship, a Starfleet outlaw under a no-holds-barred woman
captain.
She needed to tell him the truth. She needed to let him know that she was scared. Mark had left her, understandably, but she had
still felt abandoned. What if Chakotay lost hope in her too? He was a different man, of course; stronger and less likely to let her
have her way. He wouldn't abandon her.
But he just had.
So what could she say to him? How does the abuser appease the abuse? She wanted him back with her, by her side with his
hand on the small of her back. She wanted to go back to the night of the cocktail party, when they'd layed together in her bed, the
frozen rain falling against her window. She wanted a chance to make this right.
She saved his transmission to her computer and then opened a blank screen. She thought long and hard before she pressed the
record button:
"Dear Chakotay, your message came as a surprise. I had to read it a few times before I realized that you've been reading me
wrong all these years, which is exactly what I'd wanted. The lies I told were for my own protection; the fighting and disagreeing
were to keep you at bay. I didn't mean it. The stand-offish captain isn't me; I cry. I cried every time I saw you with someone new
while we were in the Delta Quadrant.
But I want to stop lying, Chakotay. I want to tell you that I've loved you since long before New Earth and for every minute after.
And I want a chance to make this right, to show you that it is love, and that there was temptation. Please don't turn me down.
Love, Kathryn."
She listened to her voice for any trembling; she watched her face for any indication that she'd been on the verge of tears. There
were none. So she sent a message to the moon.