Title: It's been Awhile
Author: Cathey Scully
Rating: R
Category: MSR, A
Spoilers: Everything up to Three Words
Archive: Absolutely, just tell me where so I can visit
Feedback: Please: CatheyScully@the-pentagon.com
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and All Characters from The X-Files aren't mine; neither is the song "It's Been Awhile." The band Staind owns that. Don't sue me, you won't get anything.
Notes: I really like this song and feel that it suits Mulder's feelings after he woke up from his abduction. And Ro and I brought it out as a challenge, but nobody went for it but me.
Dedicated to: Everyone, but Mostly Ro and Jay… J
It's Been Awhile
Mulder stumbled into his darkened apartment. He still hadn't completely recuperated, despite what he told Scully. The truth was, he found himself lying to Scully more in the past three weeks than he had in seven years.
Bits and pieces of his memory were missing. Mostly memories from right before he went missing, but somewhere in there, he'd try to think of the past and would come up blank. There was one thing he knew could never in a million years forget, the feel of Scully in his arms.
Mulder sat down heavily on his couch, his hand scraping roughly over the tender spots on his face. He barely felt the pain. It hurt more than anything to think about Scully. He felt deep blinding pain thinking about her. So warm and wonderfully inviting, even as pregnant as she was. She had obviously missed him dearly and wanted him around more than anything. Mulder couldn't bring himself to get close to her.
At first, it had been about Scully's pregnancy and not knowing where he stood. That had quickly dissolved after Scully had in no uncertain terms, told him that she loved him no matter what and wanted him in her and their child's life. It slowly moved more into the territory of him not knowing what he wanted and not remembering so many important details of his life.
Inwardly he was dying. Outwardly, he was as alive as could be, but he felt like he was a hollow shell. His heart ached for Scully, but his sense told him to stay away. She would be happier without him.
Pain seared through him, both inside and out. He knew it was time for the pain meds they'd given him at the hospital, but he wanted a drink and alcohol and prescription drugs didn't mix.
Mulder sighed. He stood and made his way over to the liquor cabinet. Mulder pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He remembered buying it last year after his mom's death, only to have never opened it because of Scully's comforting presence. Mulder didn't bother with a glass; he simply opened the bottle and took a swig. Absently, he flipped on the radio to hear what else had changed in the world in the months he'd been gone. He caught a song in the middle that he hadn't heard before.
"It's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted and,
It's been awhile since I could say I love myself as well.
It's been Awhile,
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you.
But everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again."
Mulder's mind wandered to Scully, to how she was once his safe place. The only place the demons couldn't reach. Vaguely he thought of calling her, but then remembered his actions from earlier that day. He remembered treating her no better than he did Doggett or Skinner. He'd seriously fucked things up, even though Scully acted like it didn't bother her. Taking another swig, Mulder listened half-heartedly to the song.
"It's been awhile,
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile,
Since I said I'm sorry.
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face,
And It's been Awhile, But I can still remember, just the way you taste."
Mulder stumbled into the bathroom and looked at his reflection. He saw something ugly, disfigured. His eyes were red, dull, and lifeless despite the stream of tears the flowed. Mulder took another sip and raised the glass bottle, smashing it into the mirror, breaking it into millions of shards.
Mulder touched a small pile of glass, not even grimacing as each individual piece dug into his palm and wrist. Instead of removing the glass, he pressed harder. He saw blood and it barely registered as he heard the last few lines of the song.
"It's been awhile,
since I could, hold my head up high.
And it's been awhile,
Since I said I'm sorry."
Mulder shrank to the floor, sobbing. He clenched and unclenched his hands, only to feel sharp shooting pain, which only made him cry harder. He needed the one thing he wouldn't have, Scully. That was his last conscious thought before he passed out.
Mulder was awakened by Scully gently stroking his hair. He opened his eyes and was greeted by immense pain as the light reached his optic nerve. Mulder groaned and lifted his hands to cover his eyes, only to find his hands bandaged.
"Here, use this." Scully produced a damp cloth and covered his eyes. Her slender fingers ran up and down his face. Weakly he brushed them away as she touched a particularly sore spot.
"Sorry Mulder." She whispered. Even her whisper was too loud to his ears.
"Quiet Scully." He snapped. Scully's hands disappeared, as did her presence.
"Call me when you feel better Mulder. I'm in the living room." Scully shut his bedroom door quietly.
Mulder slipped back into sleep, his head pounding and body aching. Somehow Scully had gotten him from the floor of his bathroom into his bed. This only made him feel worse. Somehow, Scully was always plucking his sorry ass from whatever hellhole he managed to get into. She wouldn't be able to find him this time, for he was waging a battle, within himself.
The next thing he knew, Scully was standing by his bedside, offering his pain meds and water. She managed to kneel beside his head and hand him the pills and raise the glass to his lips. When he was done drinking, Scully brushed back his hair. She reached out and took one of his bandaged hands in hers.
"Scully." He croaked out. "You don't have to stay. I'm okay."
"Except you were drinking instead of taking your meds and then you broke the bottle and somehow your hands and wrists end up cut." Scully countered, her eyes flashing.
"Just leave me alone Scully." Mulder rolled away from her and shut his eyes.
"No dammit! No. I am not going to leave you alone. I leave you alone and you ditch me, I leave you alone and you get abducted, I leave you alone, you end up dead. I leave you alone, you nearly kill yourself. Mulder, give me one good fucking reason why I should leave you alone. Why I want to leave you alone so you can leave me again and never come back." Scully stopped her tirade and Mulder heard her breath hitch. "Forget about it Mulder, you want me gone, I'm gone." Scully touched the back of his head lovingly and left the room. A few minutes later, Mulder heard his front door slam.
Hours later Mulder made his way into the living room. He was strangely unsurprised to find Scully milling around in the kitchen. She smiled regretfully and set the plate she was washing back into the sink.
"I know you wanted me to leave, but I couldn't." She explained. "I thought you might need me."
"I do." Mulder whispered, slouching at the table. His thoughts returned to the song he'd heard. He remembered the depth of it and how it managed to say what he was feeling. He also remembered the lines that described Scully.
"I don't remember a lot." He began, his voice low. "I mean, I remember everything they did to me, but I, I, there are a lot of things I don't remember."
Scully slowly lowered her pregnant self into the chair next to him. Without preamble he reached for her hand and pulled it to his cheek. He closed his eyes as he savored the skin on skin contact. Mulder sighed as Scully's other hand came up to brush his hair.
"Take your time Mulder. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't feel comfortable."
"I'm okay. I remember all of the tests, the saws, the drills. But I don't remember before I was taken or what cases we went on."
"What do you remember?" Scully asked, soothing, yet apprehensive.
"I remember most of the last seven years, with the exception of certain places where I draw a blank. I remember other things that happened between us. The in vitro attempts, the movie that made more of a mockery of our work than anything, our relationship. I remember kissing you, holding you, making love to you. You're the one thing I remember the most." Mulder dropped a light kiss on her palm.
"Do you remember any of the cases we went on after we got involved?" Scully asked comfortingly, she'd moved her chair closer and wound her arms around his shoulders.
"Vaguely. Something about crop circles, Ravens, Doppelgangers, a genie?"
"Good, you remember the basics of almost all the cases we took before you disappeared." Scully rubbed his back. "What else do you not remember?"
"I don't know Scully. I don't fucking know, that's the problem." Mulder dropped Scully's hand and banged his bandaged fists on the table, making Scully jump. "I wasn't trying to kill myself Scully. I drank half the bottle and smashed it. The glass got into my hands and, and I passed out. I promise I wasn't suicidal."
"You lied to me when you said that you were okay. Mulder I'm here for you, but I need you to be honest with me. I'm here for you to yell at, to scream at, to cry with. Please don't push me away."
Mulder wrapped his arms around Scully at her plea and pressed his face into her shoulder. Scully rubbed his back comfortingly as his body began to shake with sobs. He pulled her closer and mumbled unintelligible things.
Scully whispered soothing words in his ear. She held him tightly and let him sob. Scully smiled softly into Mulder's hair as the baby began to kick. Mulder chuckled in spite of himself.
Scully kissed Mulder's temple. "Come on, time for bed."
"Scully, it's 5 am, it's almost time for work."
"Not for you Mulder. I called and left a message at Skinner's desk saying you won't be in." Scully held broke away from Mulder and smoothed away his tears with gentle kisses on his face. "Call me if you need me okay?"
"I will."
"Sleep well." Scully gave Mulder a squeeze before exiting his apartment. Mulder smiled softly, his pain slightly diminished and went to bed to begin the road to recovery.
End…I think this is better than the original ending….
The complete lyrics, which inspired this story, are:
It's been a while/ Since I could hold my head up high
It's been a while/ Since I first saw you
It's been a while/ Since I could stand on my own two feet again
It's been a while/ Since I could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it/ all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered/ I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's been a while/ Since I could say I wasn't addicted
And It's been a while/ Since I could say I love myself as well
It's been a while/ Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do/ And it's been a while/ But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
But everything I can't remember/ As fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that I've rendered/ I've gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?/ Make this go away/ Just one more peaceful day
It's been a while/ Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry/ And It's been a while since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been a while but I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember/ As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me/ I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
It's been a while/ Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry
Author: Cathey Scully
Rating: R
Category: MSR, A
Spoilers: Everything up to Three Words
Archive: Absolutely, just tell me where so I can visit
Feedback: Please: CatheyScully@the-pentagon.com
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully, and All Characters from The X-Files aren't mine; neither is the song "It's Been Awhile." The band Staind owns that. Don't sue me, you won't get anything.
Notes: I really like this song and feel that it suits Mulder's feelings after he woke up from his abduction. And Ro and I brought it out as a challenge, but nobody went for it but me.
Dedicated to: Everyone, but Mostly Ro and Jay… J
It's Been Awhile
Mulder stumbled into his darkened apartment. He still hadn't completely recuperated, despite what he told Scully. The truth was, he found himself lying to Scully more in the past three weeks than he had in seven years.
Bits and pieces of his memory were missing. Mostly memories from right before he went missing, but somewhere in there, he'd try to think of the past and would come up blank. There was one thing he knew could never in a million years forget, the feel of Scully in his arms.
Mulder sat down heavily on his couch, his hand scraping roughly over the tender spots on his face. He barely felt the pain. It hurt more than anything to think about Scully. He felt deep blinding pain thinking about her. So warm and wonderfully inviting, even as pregnant as she was. She had obviously missed him dearly and wanted him around more than anything. Mulder couldn't bring himself to get close to her.
At first, it had been about Scully's pregnancy and not knowing where he stood. That had quickly dissolved after Scully had in no uncertain terms, told him that she loved him no matter what and wanted him in her and their child's life. It slowly moved more into the territory of him not knowing what he wanted and not remembering so many important details of his life.
Inwardly he was dying. Outwardly, he was as alive as could be, but he felt like he was a hollow shell. His heart ached for Scully, but his sense told him to stay away. She would be happier without him.
Pain seared through him, both inside and out. He knew it was time for the pain meds they'd given him at the hospital, but he wanted a drink and alcohol and prescription drugs didn't mix.
Mulder sighed. He stood and made his way over to the liquor cabinet. Mulder pulled out a bottle of whiskey. He remembered buying it last year after his mom's death, only to have never opened it because of Scully's comforting presence. Mulder didn't bother with a glass; he simply opened the bottle and took a swig. Absently, he flipped on the radio to hear what else had changed in the world in the months he'd been gone. He caught a song in the middle that he hadn't heard before.
"It's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted and,
It's been awhile since I could say I love myself as well.
It's been Awhile,
Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you.
But everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again."
Mulder's mind wandered to Scully, to how she was once his safe place. The only place the demons couldn't reach. Vaguely he thought of calling her, but then remembered his actions from earlier that day. He remembered treating her no better than he did Doggett or Skinner. He'd seriously fucked things up, even though Scully acted like it didn't bother her. Taking another swig, Mulder listened half-heartedly to the song.
"It's been awhile,
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile,
Since I said I'm sorry.
It's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face,
And It's been Awhile, But I can still remember, just the way you taste."
Mulder stumbled into the bathroom and looked at his reflection. He saw something ugly, disfigured. His eyes were red, dull, and lifeless despite the stream of tears the flowed. Mulder took another sip and raised the glass bottle, smashing it into the mirror, breaking it into millions of shards.
Mulder touched a small pile of glass, not even grimacing as each individual piece dug into his palm and wrist. Instead of removing the glass, he pressed harder. He saw blood and it barely registered as he heard the last few lines of the song.
"It's been awhile,
since I could, hold my head up high.
And it's been awhile,
Since I said I'm sorry."
Mulder shrank to the floor, sobbing. He clenched and unclenched his hands, only to feel sharp shooting pain, which only made him cry harder. He needed the one thing he wouldn't have, Scully. That was his last conscious thought before he passed out.
Mulder was awakened by Scully gently stroking his hair. He opened his eyes and was greeted by immense pain as the light reached his optic nerve. Mulder groaned and lifted his hands to cover his eyes, only to find his hands bandaged.
"Here, use this." Scully produced a damp cloth and covered his eyes. Her slender fingers ran up and down his face. Weakly he brushed them away as she touched a particularly sore spot.
"Sorry Mulder." She whispered. Even her whisper was too loud to his ears.
"Quiet Scully." He snapped. Scully's hands disappeared, as did her presence.
"Call me when you feel better Mulder. I'm in the living room." Scully shut his bedroom door quietly.
Mulder slipped back into sleep, his head pounding and body aching. Somehow Scully had gotten him from the floor of his bathroom into his bed. This only made him feel worse. Somehow, Scully was always plucking his sorry ass from whatever hellhole he managed to get into. She wouldn't be able to find him this time, for he was waging a battle, within himself.
The next thing he knew, Scully was standing by his bedside, offering his pain meds and water. She managed to kneel beside his head and hand him the pills and raise the glass to his lips. When he was done drinking, Scully brushed back his hair. She reached out and took one of his bandaged hands in hers.
"Scully." He croaked out. "You don't have to stay. I'm okay."
"Except you were drinking instead of taking your meds and then you broke the bottle and somehow your hands and wrists end up cut." Scully countered, her eyes flashing.
"Just leave me alone Scully." Mulder rolled away from her and shut his eyes.
"No dammit! No. I am not going to leave you alone. I leave you alone and you ditch me, I leave you alone and you get abducted, I leave you alone, you end up dead. I leave you alone, you nearly kill yourself. Mulder, give me one good fucking reason why I should leave you alone. Why I want to leave you alone so you can leave me again and never come back." Scully stopped her tirade and Mulder heard her breath hitch. "Forget about it Mulder, you want me gone, I'm gone." Scully touched the back of his head lovingly and left the room. A few minutes later, Mulder heard his front door slam.
Hours later Mulder made his way into the living room. He was strangely unsurprised to find Scully milling around in the kitchen. She smiled regretfully and set the plate she was washing back into the sink.
"I know you wanted me to leave, but I couldn't." She explained. "I thought you might need me."
"I do." Mulder whispered, slouching at the table. His thoughts returned to the song he'd heard. He remembered the depth of it and how it managed to say what he was feeling. He also remembered the lines that described Scully.
"I don't remember a lot." He began, his voice low. "I mean, I remember everything they did to me, but I, I, there are a lot of things I don't remember."
Scully slowly lowered her pregnant self into the chair next to him. Without preamble he reached for her hand and pulled it to his cheek. He closed his eyes as he savored the skin on skin contact. Mulder sighed as Scully's other hand came up to brush his hair.
"Take your time Mulder. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't feel comfortable."
"I'm okay. I remember all of the tests, the saws, the drills. But I don't remember before I was taken or what cases we went on."
"What do you remember?" Scully asked, soothing, yet apprehensive.
"I remember most of the last seven years, with the exception of certain places where I draw a blank. I remember other things that happened between us. The in vitro attempts, the movie that made more of a mockery of our work than anything, our relationship. I remember kissing you, holding you, making love to you. You're the one thing I remember the most." Mulder dropped a light kiss on her palm.
"Do you remember any of the cases we went on after we got involved?" Scully asked comfortingly, she'd moved her chair closer and wound her arms around his shoulders.
"Vaguely. Something about crop circles, Ravens, Doppelgangers, a genie?"
"Good, you remember the basics of almost all the cases we took before you disappeared." Scully rubbed his back. "What else do you not remember?"
"I don't know Scully. I don't fucking know, that's the problem." Mulder dropped Scully's hand and banged his bandaged fists on the table, making Scully jump. "I wasn't trying to kill myself Scully. I drank half the bottle and smashed it. The glass got into my hands and, and I passed out. I promise I wasn't suicidal."
"You lied to me when you said that you were okay. Mulder I'm here for you, but I need you to be honest with me. I'm here for you to yell at, to scream at, to cry with. Please don't push me away."
Mulder wrapped his arms around Scully at her plea and pressed his face into her shoulder. Scully rubbed his back comfortingly as his body began to shake with sobs. He pulled her closer and mumbled unintelligible things.
Scully whispered soothing words in his ear. She held him tightly and let him sob. Scully smiled softly into Mulder's hair as the baby began to kick. Mulder chuckled in spite of himself.
Scully kissed Mulder's temple. "Come on, time for bed."
"Scully, it's 5 am, it's almost time for work."
"Not for you Mulder. I called and left a message at Skinner's desk saying you won't be in." Scully held broke away from Mulder and smoothed away his tears with gentle kisses on his face. "Call me if you need me okay?"
"I will."
"Sleep well." Scully gave Mulder a squeeze before exiting his apartment. Mulder smiled softly, his pain slightly diminished and went to bed to begin the road to recovery.
End…I think this is better than the original ending….
The complete lyrics, which inspired this story, are:
It's been a while/ Since I could hold my head up high
It's been a while/ Since I first saw you
It's been a while/ Since I could stand on my own two feet again
It's been a while/ Since I could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it/ all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered/ I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's been a while/ Since I could say I wasn't addicted
And It's been a while/ Since I could say I love myself as well
It's been a while/ Since I've gone and fucked things up
Just like I always do/ And it's been a while/ But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you
But everything I can't remember/ As fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that I've rendered/ I've gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?/ Make this go away/ Just one more peaceful day
It's been a while/ Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry/ And It's been a while since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been a while but I can still remember just the way you taste
But everything I can't remember/ As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me/ I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
It's been a while/ Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been a while since I said I'm sorry