Interview With Insanity

by Leopard Guitar

This is an insane little interview show featuring us, Harry, my dog, and a whole bunch of other people... Do you like goldfish? Do you want to see Sirius strip? [ugh...] Well, we think it's funny.... What more is there to say.

Author: Leopard Guitar

Title:  Interview With Insanity

Email: Fang2fangee@hotmail.com

Reviews:  Yes, or we'll hunt you down.... (j/k...maybe...)

Summary:  An interveiw between us and random people.  Mainly X-files/HP and our pets...  Whatever, just read the fucking fic.

L=leopard/emmy  G=guitar/cora  others are by name...

Sirius:  Hey everybody and welcome to Sirius' Strip Show!!!

L&G: **together** No!!! No stripping!!! Especially from you!  Yuckness! **pull straight jacket out of pocket and put it on Sirius, drag him off stage**

Sirius:  No! Please!  Not Azkaban!!!!

L:  No no no!  We are taking you back stage, that's all!

Sirius:  Ok, no Azkaban!!!  I'm too young to die!! Please!!! Can I still strip?

G: **stuffs gag in his mouth**  Yes, In the dressing room, I suppose...

Sirius: **through gag** Mrrhfjhfjsdvm mrrrrmmm?

G:  No!  Keep the door closed!!!!  And locked!!!

L:  Ok, now that that's over...  Let's begin the show!

Audience: Yay!! **applause**

One Lone Person:  But I want Sirius to strip!!!

L: **whispers to guards**  Find that person and take 'em out!

Ben the Guard:  Can I kill them?

L:  Yes, but only if its a long and painful death...

**Ben leaves and O.L.P. screams**

G:  All right, our first guest for today is Random Person number one!  I caught him in the streets hanging out near a pub!  Now you know you're too young to drink!!!!  What do you have to say for yourself?

**Random Person enters.  It's Harry Potter.**

Harry:  Um, I'm a wizard...

G: So you're saying wizards are allowed to get drunk at any age?

Harry: um...

L:   You could get thrown in jail you know.  Or we could dispose of you our own way...

Harry: Is that a threat?

L: Um, yeah, probably...

Harry:  You can't kill me!  I'm Harry Potter!

G: Sure, sure, that's what they all say!  And don't worry, we wouldn't kill you.

Harry: Well, that's a relief...

G:  No, we'll just lock you in the dressing room with Sirius...

Harry: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

L: So, on with the interview.  What would you like to tell us, Random Person No. 1?

Harry:  I'm not a random person!  I'm Harry Potter!

G:  Um, all right.  Everyone!  The random person has a name!

Audience: Oooooooh, Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Harry:  No, you know!  I defeated the Dark Lord!

**silence**

Harry:  Come, on, you've got my books on that shelf over there! **points to all four Harry Potter books**

L:  Random Person!  Stop changing the subject!  So we read books, are you illiterate or something?

G:  Yeah, how can you prove that you're Harry Potter?

Harry: **gets mad**  Of course I'm Harry Potter!  Why do you think I wear these geeky glasses or have this ugly hairdo?  I've got the fucking scar, for God's sake!

G:  Now, Harry, there is absolutely no reason to get mad!  We just asked you a simple question.  Now answer it politely!

Harry:  Are you people insane?

Everyone: Yes.

Harry:  I'm going to go pout in my corner now....

L: All right, time for Random Person No. 2  !!!

**applause as Fox Mulder walks on stage**

L: **faints**

G:  Emmy!!  Emmy? **shakes her, shrugs and walks away**

Mulder: Hi!

Audience: Hello! **more clapping**

G: **pulls out wand and shoots red sparks at him** Demon!  You killed Emmy! Diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Mulder:  No wait!  She just fainted!  I'm not random, either!  I came to investigate paranormal activity in this auditorium.  And I think I found the source, that stick you're holding...

G:  It's a wand, dummy!  Now die!!!

Mulder:  You can't kill me, I'm wearing my curse-proof vest.  **opens shirt and shows audience**

Audience:  Ooooooooh!  Ahhhhhhhhhh!

G: **pulls out gun** I'll shoot you then!  Arg!

Mulder:  I have a bullet-proof vest, too.  **pulls off curse-proof vest and reveals a second one**

Audience: Ooooooh!  Ahhhhhhhh!

**Emmy [L] wakes up**  What do you have under that one?

Mulder: Nothing.  **shows bare chest, and Emmy faints again**

A bewildered Scully walks onstage.  Scully:  Mulder!  There you are!  I've been looking for you everywhere!

G:  All right!  That's it!  Mully, Sculder!  Leve before I kill you both!  Grrrrrrrrr!!!! **bite Scully's {or Mully's?} leg**

Scully:  Well, let's arrest her and leave...

Ben the BodyGuard:  Wait!  This is against the rules!  No more then one random person at a time!

Scully:  I'm not random!  I'm Scully, and he's Mulder!

G:  **nods at BTBG** Take them away!  Shut up Mully!

L: [who is now awake again]  It's Scully, Cora!  Scully!  Noooooo!  Wait, Ben, don't take Mulder away!  Ahhhhhhhh!

G: **rolls eyes**  Ok, let's move to Random Person No. 3 .. Kaiser the Horse Doggie

Kaiser, a huge German Shepherd bounds happily onstage, tongue lolling to one side of his mouth.

L:  So, Kaiser, anything you'd like to tell us.

Kaiser: **scrathces ear** Scratch, scratch...

G:  Really!  That's amazing!  Did everyone hear that?

**Audience nods and leans closer to hear more**

L:  So, what are your thought on..um.. on...

Kaiser:  Arf!  Woof!  Woof!

Audience:  gasp!  How profound!

Sirius: [who has somehow escaped his locked dressing room]  Yay!  A playmate!  **turns into big black dog**

Kaiser: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

**Sirius backs away, his tail between his legs**

G: Um, he doesn't like other dogs...

BTBG:  Hey, no dogs allowed either! **grabs both by the scruffs of their necks and hurls them out the door**

Sirius: [now in human form] But I'm a man!  Not a dog!

L:  Huh? Men?  Dogs?  What's the difference?

Female Audience:  You tell, em sister!  Go girl!

Males in Audience:  Wait, what?

L: **mutters** Hmm, just proves my point...

G:  Ok, Random Person No. 4!  Or, five if you count Mully....  But maybe three since she doesn't count and  Kaiser was a dog...  **ponders this while L takes mike**

L:  Okay, well, come on out!

**Sully Erna [from Godsmack] walks onstage**

Audience: Yay!!

G: **almost faints, then thinks better of it**  H-hi!  **giggles**

Sully:  Hello.  **Cora [g] falls over**

L:  Wow!  And our fourth random person is also our musical guest star for today!  Would you like to sing a song for us, Mr. Erna?

Sully:  Please, call me Sully. 

L:  Like Scully!  Wow!  Scully, Sully, Scully, Sully!  Yay!

G: [getting up]  No!  Mully, Sully, Mully, Sully!  **gazes in awe at Sully** Will you sing for us, please? **flutters eyelashes**

**L rolls her eyes**

Sully:  Ok, I'll sing Voodoo.  **strange drums beat** ' I'm not the one who's so far away, when I feel the snake bite eneter my veins.  Never did I wanna--'

L:  Yay!  Voodoo!  But you have to sing the fish song, silly!

Sully:  It's Sully, not Silly.  What fish song?

Everyone:  The Goldfish song!

Sully:  What the fuck kind of show is this?

Everyone: An insane show!

Sully:  There aren't even any goldfish!

G:  Sure there are, we're all eating them **waves wand and goldfish pour down on audience**

Audience: Yay!  **applause as they fight for Goldfish**

Sully:  All right.  I'll feel like an idiot, though.  And I better get to eat some!

L:  Okay, but first sing, you can't sing with Goldfish in your mouth!

Sully:  How do I know you'll give me Goldfish.

L: **points G's gun at his head**

G: Nooooooooooo!!!

Sully: Okay! Um,   'I Love the fishes cos they're so delicious, Goin' gold-fishin!  I could eat them any day and my Mom says that's okay, Goin' Goldfishin'!'

Everyone:  Yay!  **cheer, applause**

Sully: [bowing] Thank you, everyone!

L:  Well, that's about all for today!  Until next time, everyone!

And so, they all walked out of the studio into a rays of golden sunshine and a rain of cheesy goldfish.

Random Person No. 1

Random Person No. 2

Scully (Mully)

  

 Random Person/Dog No. 3

Random Person No. 4