One Lonely Shoe Part 5/?
"Getting There: Paging Fairy Godmothers Everywhere, SOS! or Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather They Aren't"
Author: Nefret24
Disclaimers n' stuff: see part 1 and all the rest
Author's note: Thank you to all the lovely lovely people who sent me feedback for the first few parts
****
"Josh!"
Uh. Unhhh..ugh.
"Josh!" I swear to God, I think I'm hearing things now- as if I didn't have enough problems getting my legs to work correctly and stop folding in on themselves- that sounded like Sam.
"Josh! Didn't you hear me calling you?" Well, I'll be damned. It is Sam. In the flesh. And strangely moving from side to side
"Stop that," I order. The shouting and the moving back and forth are both very disconcerting.
"I've been looking all over for you- there was a last minute change-up in the schedule. The President's going to make the concessions to the Czech ambassador before the reprimand now."
"That's very nice, Sam."
"You're drunk."
"I've always considered you a very perceptive individual. Will you go with me to the embassy ball this evening?"
"At this rate, I'll have to carry you. What happened?"
" 'S Joey. She dumped me. My girlfriend dumped me."
"Your girlfriend? Is that like your plan to fight inflation?"
"I gave her a coffee mug!" I am indignant. Nobody takes anything seriously anymore.
"Josh, you never went out with Joey."
"And I never will cuz she is one mean woman, dumping me after all we've been through."
"It was only a promotional mug, Josh. They sell them in the gift shop for $9.95."
"And that's $9.95 I'm never going to see again."
"Okay, now you're drooling on me."
"Sorry."
"Could you just lean the other way- this is a new suit."
"Right-oh." Sam had taken hold of my upper limbs and was endeavoring to get my lower ones to function correctly. And was having about just as much success as I had been having prior to his appearance. We had shuffled over the door and were making our way to the parking lot when we had a bit of a disagreement.
"My car's over that way," I pointed, standing up straighter and hoping to disentangle myself from his grasp.
"Yeah, but my car is over here."
"That's good for you."
"_You_ are not driving home."
"Hey, you know what, Sam? I'm a big boy now- I think I can take myself home without supervisionoof." I said, huffily before I suddenly hit pavement. I really don't know how that happened but the next thing I knew I was sitting on asphalt with my legs at odd angles looking up at Sam, who was trying really hard not to laugh.
I think my left foot had some sort of vendetta with my right foot and with malice took revenge by causing me to fall on my ass. Another innocent man gets caught in the cross-fire of warring body parts. If I didn't have enough problems with office supplies
"My car, Josh"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
So after I got Sam to transfer my crap into his car and received some manual assistance in getting the passenger door to close, Sam drove me home and solicitiously asked me if I needed any more assistance- like climbing stairs.
"No, thank you," I said, mustering up all the Lyman dignity that I had left- which, to be fair, was not much. "See you at the thing."
"Yeah- try to get sobered up before then, okay? Or Leo will have your ass."
If that wasn't a sobering thought.
So, armed with my newly cleaned suit and briefcase, I tottered into my building, fully ready for battle. Thank god the elevator was there, that's all I have to say.
Admittedly, it took a while to find the right key to let me into my apartment, and then it took an equally long time to work through my befuddlement to make some coffee. Mind you- I have problems finding coffee filters on a good day- like when I'm not half drunk. And so, for the better part of an hour I made a mess in my kitchen while vehemently cursing Mr. Coffee and all his coffee minions.
At one point, I had a flash of Lyman brilliance and called the office. Donna would know where the friggin' filters were.
No one answered. I ended up getting transferred to communications and talking to Bonnie, who was really pissed off, because she was about to leave.
"Where's Donna?" I asked, through her agitated sighs.
" She's left already."
"What?"
"She. Left. Already. She. Is. Not. Here," pronounced Bonnie, enunciating each word in a really annoying way.
"Okay. Fine. Do you perhaps know what she did with my coffee filters?"
"How the hell should I know?"
"Girl Talk?"
"Whatever," and she hung up on me, presumably to go torment someone else.
What the hell was happening today? First Joey dumps me, then my legs go out of commission and Donna deserts me in the middle of the day! Okay, so it was more like 7:30, but still, she just walked out on me.
Then I remembered. Tonight was the big date night. With Sergio. Mr. Ooh la la- King-of-Butter-and-Other-Condiments. Ick. I was ditched for a sleazy local gomer.
I really needed some coffee.
So, I managed to clean myself up and put on the suit- with the exception of the tie- I always had trouble getting it straight- and it's not like Donna could condescend to help me like she usually does since she was probably at home primping for the Big Mr. S. And then I swung 'round to Starbucks (partially because they make better coffee than I do and also cuz I had given up looking for the filters).
When I got to the West Wing, I was at least half presentable. Sam was typing last minute changes while Toby alternately cursed at him and CJ, who was engaged in attempting to make his tie stay straight. She was obliging me when Leo came in and announced that the motorcade had arrived so we had all better get moving.
And away we went. When I said earlier that I hated white tie things, I really only meant wearing the suit and making pointless conversations with complete strangers who I have to be extra nice to or I'll lose my job. But really the parties are great. The rooms are lavishly decorated, liquor flows like a river, the best musicians' accent the background with beautiful sounds, and the food always, always is ten times better than week old Chinese takeout.
Though I have to admit, when I stepped into that great hall, with my closest friends in the world, I missed the one who wasn't there with all my heart.
****
"Sam Seaborn."
"Sam, I really need your help."
"Donna?" I could see in my mind's eye him looking at his cell phone with a really dumbfounded look on his face. Who knew that after all those times connecting Josh would have gotten me to memorize the number?
"I'm trapped in the kitchen."
"What?"
I still couldn't believe it. I was in a perilous situation, and the only person I could turn to was Sam. It was unnerving, to say the least. I took a deep breath and tried to explain the situation in as calm a voice as I could muster.
"Sam. I am sitting on a countertop and I cannot get down or a two ton greyhound will maul me to death."
"Sergio?"
"The one and only. I swear to God, Sam, you've got to come over here and help me put him back into his cage."
"What happened?"
"It's a long story." Actually, it wasn't so much long as it was embarrassing. I came over and let him out of his cage, whereupon he knocked me down, jumped all over me and began to chase me as soon as I could stand again. Being a very large dog, with proportionately large teeth and paws, needless to say, I was a bit nonplussed. Okay, so I was scared spitless, as my mother would say, and now was cowering between the cabinets by the sink while Sergio paced back and forth and barked at me.
"Isn't there someone else you could call? I mean, I'm kinda in the middle of a thing here"
"SAM! If there was someone else I could call, don't you think I would have called them already? Margaret's there, Bonnie's there, Kathy's there, Carol's there. No one is condescending to answer their cells." And there is no way in hell I was going to call Josh. No way. Not under any circumstances. Months of ridicule. And that was only the beginnning. Coffee blackmail, longer hours, more laundry duty.
"Donna"
"Please, Sam? Life and death, here, really. He's a very, very big dog."
"Then, you see, I'm exactly the wrong person to call in this situation, as I would most definitely end up with you on the countertop."
"Sam!"
"I mean, if you're terrified of him, he might just kill me by sight. I am not an animal person"
"SAM!"
Big sigh from the other end. "Where are you?"
I gave him the directions Margaret had given me and hung up. This was bad on so many levels.
At this point, I tried to reason with the dog. I explained my presence, informing him of Margaret's gown and her detainment, and very rationally presented a truce before him. I could get down and he could get some treats. Okay, so maybe, it was more like a bribe, but who's to say?
At which point, he started barking some more, and put his big paws on the counter, so that if I hadn't stood up, I would have had a close encounter with his muzzle and all the teeth contained therein.
I tried threats. I tried normal dog reasoning like "sit" and "down boy" and "get the hell away from me." I tried hand gestures. I tried screaming my head off.
Sergio just barked louder.
I hate dogs.
Then, all of a sudden, he was quiet. Silence reigned in the house and suddenly, he bolted out of the kitchen- with all the alacrity that probably made him famous at the racetrack.
I carefully climbed down from the counter, and tiptoed out of the room in the opposite direction- or what I hoped was the opposite direction- towards the living room. I was checking all around me- just in case Sergio hadn't developed stealth capabilities in those last few moments when I saw a figure on the back porch.
A figure I recognized.
I crept to the door and unlocked it slowly, hoping that the dog wouldn't hear the click (do you see how paranoid that stupid animal had made me?)
"Toby," I said.
"Donna," he replied gruffly, entering the house and then proceeded to look around warily. "Where's the man-eating mutt?"
I nod my head in the general direction in which the dog had left, and follow behind him as he proceeded in that direction.
"Sam sent you?" I whispered.
"You guys owe me big time for this," he muttered, looking for Sergio. " Big time."
Sergio had stationed himself at the front door and was staring at the doorknob with excessive concentration. It appeared as if he hadn't noticed our approach.
"Get his leash," Toby muttered at me.
"Um, yeah, okay," and I turned to go find a leash. Margaret hadn't mentioned anything about a leash- though it wouldn't have been a bad point to bring up I found it hanging in the hall closet and brought it back to Toby.
Leash in hand, he crept up on the dog, and hooking his collar, he sternly began to order the dog around. I showed them where the cage was and amazingly enough, when Toby ordered Sergio in, in he went.
It was really spooky. But then, when like meets like.
"Thank you so very much. You didn't have to come," I said graciously, suddenly very very nervous.
"I still don't know why I'm here. Many, many things must make up for this. Multitudes of things, big things" he sighed. "Payback of which no mortal can possibly conceive" he continued, returning to the front door and opening it.
"CJ?" I exclaimed, shocked.
"Didn't Sam tell you help was on the way?" she said, sweeping into the room with her full skirts and a large shopping bag.
"I need a drink," Toby said.
"You're not the only one," I replied.
CJ soon sent him away to find his deserved drink, and then sat down on the couch with me. "You okay?"
"Well, though it was endearing to see my life flash before my eyes, I wouldn't want to do it again," I laughed. "I can't believe you guys came all the way out here just for me."
"Oh no, we're not so magnanimous as you presume. Big time favors, Donnatella."
"So Toby tells me," I said glumly.
"Not that you haven't already saved our asses hundreds of times. Really, I mean, I know that you tend to get under-appreciated but, you're one of us," she said, patting my hands reassuringly. "So, let's get ready to rumble!" She took out her bag and handed it to me.
I pulled out a long black evening gown- definitely John Rocha from last autumn- and matching Pied-a-terre, kitten heel black suede shoes.
"Oh. My. God."
"You're going to the ball with us," CJ said.
"I can't. Really. This is so very very very nice of you, but I"
"Who came here to rescue you from certain death?"
"You-"
"And what makes you think you're gonna be let off the hook?" War time CJ in action. Eek.
"I think I'll just go upstairs and try this on then."
"Good."
The dress was a little too long and the shoes were definitely too big, but when I looked at myself in the mirror of Margaret's sister's bedroom well, it was all I could do not to simper.
There was a knock at the door and CJ came in.
"Toby's getting restless so I thought I might come up and see Oh, Donna, you look beautiful."
"The shoes are too big," I mumbled.
"Nobody will be looking at your shoes."
"Do you think I really look alright?"
"You'll have Josh drooling in seconds."
Okay, how the hell does she know? Damn it , and I'm turning beet red. Friggin' alabaster skin"I don't" I stammered.
"Yeah, sure. Fine. Whatever. Now, what to do about that hair?"
Fifteen minutes later we descended the stairs, CJ triumphant with her makeover abilities, and I frightful that I would tumble ass-over-teacups down the stairs because of the shoes and my precarious balance now that my hair was piled on top of my head.
Toby stood at the door. "You look nice," he said preemptorially. "Can we go now? Sam's probably massacred the toast by now"
"Oh, get your boxers out of a twist," said CJ. "It probably hasn't even started yet."
"Which gives him more time to ruin my hard work."
"Cocktails and pleasantries first."
"Cuz him fiddling with it after he downed a few drinks is going to make me feel a whole lot better"
"Toby, if you don't stop this nonsense, I will beat you with a sack of quarters."
And on and on it went all the way back to Washington. But a girl can't be too picky with her fairy godmothers, now, can she?
****
TBC.