Of course I would call him 'my Shishio' only in my mind. I know everyone knew how I felt about him, but I could never be that familiar, even in passing conversation with the others. I wish I could have been there.. if only to say goodbye. I throw the thin sheet back and stand up. I've decided to rearrange the room, but I haven't decided yet if I'm ready to leave it. I don't want to go out and face the real world. I want to stay here, where I can pretend my life's the same, and there is still possibility my Shishio will call for me.
I walk over to my 'bookshelf'. I like to call it that, even though there is only one book there. It's a fantasy book, a story about a girl whose prince comes and steals her away from all her troubles. I can't read it, of course, but I know what it's about. I've played the scenes out in my own head millions of times, only I am the distressed damsel and Shishio-sama is my prince. As I look at the book, surrounded by thousands of other bobbles I've collected during my missions, I begin to feel the familiar dampness on my cheeks grow.. and I am crying again.
I hear a small knock at the door. I know who it is, but I have no desire to see them right now. I don't want to see anyone but my Shishio. While I am here, alone, at least I can pretend that may happen again. If I let someone into my world right now, it would spoil the fantasy and I would die. 'Actually', the same thought I've had at least ten times a day since that fateful one six months ago found it's voice in my mind again. 'To die would not be so bad. I could see him again...' But then I remember. I am to be his story-teller. To share my Shishio's fantasies with the world. To let them know of his ideals and to make them understand my joy in knowing him. To not let him be forgotten. 'That', I remind myself, 'is your new mission. Your last assignment from your dearest love. You must fulfill it. You can not disappoint him..' I hear the knock again, a little louder this time.
"Kamatari-chan!" I recognise the cheerful voice as the one I've heard every day at least once for the last half-year. It's Chou. Here again for god knows what this time. I look at the door with a slight annoyance. 'You can not disrupt my dream, Chou. Not you. Not anyone.' I firmly declare with my eyes. He knocks harder. "Kamatari! I know you're awake.. finally! I've brought you breakfast today. Come on.. I know you're hungry!"
"Leave me alone!" I yell with all my might. "Just go away!!" He's disturbing my world! How dare he!? Confused and angry, I pick up the nearest bobble and hurl it at the door. It smashes against the door with a deafening crash. I smile, glad that I had moved into this western style house as soon as I had the opportunity. That glass jar would have certainly torn a hole in the screen of my old bedroom, which would completely defeat the purpose. Thankfully, I hear his footsteps leading him away from me and my Shishio.
I stare silently and sullenly at the shattered glass by the door. I had bought that on my way to Kyoto. I had put a beautiful rose in it. They were so rare.. and it was so lovely. I HAD to give it to him. I had to finally let him know.. I knew he must have had a feeling that I loved him. But I knew he had no idea just how much. No one did. I kept that part of my heart locked far away. I knew he'd never feel that way about me, but I couldn't hide my feelings totally. So I made a joke of it. I fought with Yumi, knowing she would always win. I declared my love for him to anyone within earshot, knowing that what I said was only the tip of a very high mountain. And when I saw Yumi clinging to Shishio-sama.. and him with a protective arm around her, gentle and loving, I giggled and stuck my tongue out at her, saying playfully 'You may have him now, but I will get him one day'. But deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't true. I knew she'd always have him. But I would never let anyone see me cry. I would never let anyone know just how much it really hurt.
That day.. the day I bought the flower vase I decided that when I gave him the gift I would not merely set it near him with a polite bow, then leave. I would hand it to him. And I would keep his hands in mine. And I would tell him, while looking deep into his eyes, while trying to find his soul, that I loved him more than my very life. And he'd look down into my eyes. He'd find my soul laid bare for him to see clearly. He'd take his hand from mine and from the vase and extend it to stroke my cheek which I knew would be wet with tears. I would be trembling with agonising nervousness as he wiped my face clean. I would close my eyes, fearing a mocking laugh... or worse. Finally, all my years of waiting would be over in one fluid move. I would feel his lips against mine, pressing hard, making me weak.
But of course, I realised that would never happen. I had angrily looked at the vase with it's beautiful, perfect rose. 'He'll never love me! You won't help anything. Why are you even here? To mock me? You know I can't give you to him, yet you came along a little too willingly. I hate you little flower. I shall kill you now,' I angrily sneered at the crimson red rose as I crumbled it in my hand, ignoring the pain of the thorns and the dripping of the like coloured blood. Actually, that pain was a pleasure compared to the dull ache that started in my chest, then travelled throughout my entire body. I ran back to the room I'd been given and set the vase on a small table. I wasn't sure what to do with it. I decided to keep it as a reminder of that small hope I still had, even in the face of the harsh truth my mind knew too well.
Now, as I look at the vase laying shattered on the floor, I can't help but begin to cry again. I fling myself onto the pillows and sob heavily into them. I miss him so much! I'd love even to hear a mocking laugh right now.. anything, as long as it's him... I finally stop crying, but the pain won't stop. I hug myself tightly and shake myself to sleep. As I drift off I wish with every fiber of my being that it would be him holding me when I awoke. This is not the first day to end like this. I am sure it won't be the last.