I wake up to a knock at the door. Ugh. I wish I knew what time it was. It must be near afternoon. It's so bright in here. I look around to notice I'd forgotten to close the shades to the window directly across from my bed. 'Aa, so that's it,' I think as I throw a pillow over my face and try to go back to sleep. There is another knock, this time louder. Damn. I wish Chou would leave me alone. He's always trying to cheer me up. It seems like he wants me to forget about everything that's happened and go on to a new life. I can't do that.. he needs to understand that. I don't move, hoping he'll think I'm still asleep and go away. Then the incessant nearly silent tapping begins.
"Go away!" I finally yell, without moving the pillow from my face. "Not today," that familiar voice says, cheerful as ever. I know he wouldn't care for Shishio-sama as I did, ha! who would? But I'd think he was at least loyal enough to mourn a little. He didn't. He just went on with his plans.. I can't understand that, but maybe it's because I loved him so much. Maybe I am the abnormal one? Maybe anyone else would have gone on with their life by now? I can't though. He was my life. Without him, I am nothing.
"Kamatari-chan! Aww.. let me in today? You need to get up and out every once and awhile, you know,'' Chou was saying from the other side of the door. I glare at it, hoping maybe by some miracle, my gaze will become like a trail of fire and burn through the door, scorching Chou and making him leave me alone. But of course that doesn't happen and Chou just keeps chattering. Ugh..
Finally I get up and walk over to the door. The broken vase from yesterday is still there and I can feel some small pebbles of glass under my feet. I don't really care. It doesn't hurt any less than the pain in the space where my heart used to be that will not go away.
"I don't feel like company today, Chou. Please... just leave me alone," I plead with him. For a moment, it seems like he will leave, but just as I begin to turn back to the bed, I hear him knock again.
"Oh Kamatari... I've brought a visitor. I'm sure you want to see them." I'm sure I don't. I can barely deal with Chou's constant bothering, I really don't want to deal with someone else.
"I don't care, Chou. Please...." I want him to go so very much, I really do. I look around for something else to throw at the door. It worked yesterday, after all. I look at the 'bookshelf', with it's pathetic one book. I can't throw that, it contains all my wildest dreams. Next to it is a small print of a painting of Shishio-sama. I'd drawn it myself. I then secretly asked Sou-chan to go have the drawing made into a painting for me to hang in my room. It was so pretty. Professional. And amazingly, it looked just like him. I guess the drawing wasn't as bad as I thought, and of course, I suspect Soujiro helped with a description. With the painting, I felt as if my Shishio was always with me, watching over me. It was destroyed at Kyoto, as I'd left it in my room there, but luckily I'd also asked for a print to be made. A very small one, so that I could carry it around with me. That little tanuki girl had almost caused me to lose it when she hit me. It was jarred from it's place inside my kimono and almost flew out. As I lay on the ground I had noticed it sticking out. I looked at it briefly before I decided that I couldn't go back to him in that shame and pulled out my little stiletto. Damn that girl for denying me my noble ending. At least I wouldn't be in this pain now.
As I begin to feel the all-too-familiar tears forming again, I hear that knock. "I won't open the door, Chou, so leave me alone," I say, trying to control the tremble that comes to my voice when I am crying. Oh god, I don't want him to know I am crying. Then he'll never go away. He gets quiet, but I know he's still there.
"Kamatari?'' he says quietly. I can tell his cheerful smile is gone. "Are you crying again?" he asks. Damn! "No.." I say as calmly as I can, wiping fiercely at the salty wetness that covers my blushing cheeks.
Chou sighs, "Kamatari, in all the time you've been locked in there, the times you did let me in, did I ever hurt you?" I looked at the door. No, he'd never hurt me. In fact he was the one who delivered my Shishio's message to me: the one that gave me reason to live. He seemed to be the only one who cared about me, actually. It's not that I have anything against Chou. I just don't feel like dealing with anyone right now. I tell him that, still trying hard to hide the quiver in my speech. I remind him that he said there was a visitor, and if I don't even want to deal with him, he must realise I don't want to see any visitors right now either. He sighs, but agrees. After asking me to at least let him in later to bring me breakfast, he finally leaves with the visitors. I can tell now that there are more than one by the footsteps.
I breathe a jagged sigh of relief, mixed in with the sobs that were choking in my throat as I tried to hide them from Chou. As I've done at least a million times this past six months, I flop face-down onto the bed, burying my face in my lush, feather-filled pillows and sob until I fall asleep to dream yet again of my Shishio.
"Go away!" I finally yell, without moving the pillow from my face. "Not today," that familiar voice says, cheerful as ever. I know he wouldn't care for Shishio-sama as I did, ha! who would? But I'd think he was at least loyal enough to mourn a little. He didn't. He just went on with his plans.. I can't understand that, but maybe it's because I loved him so much. Maybe I am the abnormal one? Maybe anyone else would have gone on with their life by now? I can't though. He was my life. Without him, I am nothing.
"Kamatari-chan! Aww.. let me in today? You need to get up and out every once and awhile, you know,'' Chou was saying from the other side of the door. I glare at it, hoping maybe by some miracle, my gaze will become like a trail of fire and burn through the door, scorching Chou and making him leave me alone. But of course that doesn't happen and Chou just keeps chattering. Ugh..
Finally I get up and walk over to the door. The broken vase from yesterday is still there and I can feel some small pebbles of glass under my feet. I don't really care. It doesn't hurt any less than the pain in the space where my heart used to be that will not go away.
"I don't feel like company today, Chou. Please... just leave me alone," I plead with him. For a moment, it seems like he will leave, but just as I begin to turn back to the bed, I hear him knock again.
"Oh Kamatari... I've brought a visitor. I'm sure you want to see them." I'm sure I don't. I can barely deal with Chou's constant bothering, I really don't want to deal with someone else.
"I don't care, Chou. Please...." I want him to go so very much, I really do. I look around for something else to throw at the door. It worked yesterday, after all. I look at the 'bookshelf', with it's pathetic one book. I can't throw that, it contains all my wildest dreams. Next to it is a small print of a painting of Shishio-sama. I'd drawn it myself. I then secretly asked Sou-chan to go have the drawing made into a painting for me to hang in my room. It was so pretty. Professional. And amazingly, it looked just like him. I guess the drawing wasn't as bad as I thought, and of course, I suspect Soujiro helped with a description. With the painting, I felt as if my Shishio was always with me, watching over me. It was destroyed at Kyoto, as I'd left it in my room there, but luckily I'd also asked for a print to be made. A very small one, so that I could carry it around with me. That little tanuki girl had almost caused me to lose it when she hit me. It was jarred from it's place inside my kimono and almost flew out. As I lay on the ground I had noticed it sticking out. I looked at it briefly before I decided that I couldn't go back to him in that shame and pulled out my little stiletto. Damn that girl for denying me my noble ending. At least I wouldn't be in this pain now.
As I begin to feel the all-too-familiar tears forming again, I hear that knock. "I won't open the door, Chou, so leave me alone," I say, trying to control the tremble that comes to my voice when I am crying. Oh god, I don't want him to know I am crying. Then he'll never go away. He gets quiet, but I know he's still there.
"Kamatari?'' he says quietly. I can tell his cheerful smile is gone. "Are you crying again?" he asks. Damn! "No.." I say as calmly as I can, wiping fiercely at the salty wetness that covers my blushing cheeks.
Chou sighs, "Kamatari, in all the time you've been locked in there, the times you did let me in, did I ever hurt you?" I looked at the door. No, he'd never hurt me. In fact he was the one who delivered my Shishio's message to me: the one that gave me reason to live. He seemed to be the only one who cared about me, actually. It's not that I have anything against Chou. I just don't feel like dealing with anyone right now. I tell him that, still trying hard to hide the quiver in my speech. I remind him that he said there was a visitor, and if I don't even want to deal with him, he must realise I don't want to see any visitors right now either. He sighs, but agrees. After asking me to at least let him in later to bring me breakfast, he finally leaves with the visitors. I can tell now that there are more than one by the footsteps.
I breathe a jagged sigh of relief, mixed in with the sobs that were choking in my throat as I tried to hide them from Chou. As I've done at least a million times this past six months, I flop face-down onto the bed, burying my face in my lush, feather-filled pillows and sob until I fall asleep to dream yet again of my Shishio.