Author: Adeline
Category: AbLuCar
Rating: No gore, no sex, not *much* swearing. So, that makes it... R, no? ;P
Spoilers: Season 7.
Summary: Follow-up to 'Rampage.' I haven't seen it, but what the hell.
Archive: Soon to be at my site, FanFiction.Net, and ERTVOnline. Ask permission
to put up anywhere else.
Songs: Opening quote - 'You And Me,' by Ally McBeal's Vonda Shepard;
radio song - 'How's It Going To Be,' by Third Eye Blind.
closing quote - 'Time After Time' by Cindy Lauper.
Feedback: Pleeeease!! Post here, or e-mail me at: gossy16@yahoo.com .
Disclaimer: A'ight, everybody who actually believes I do own the involved characters,
please raise your hand... There, that's what I thought. See that, PTB?
Many thanks to all who reviewed/commented on my previous fics, it always means
a lot. :)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Part Of Me," by Adeline (gossy16@yahoo.com)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
'Part of me wants to break the ice
And part of me wants to leave it
exactly as it stands
Part of me wants to roll the dice
And part of me wants to leave it
bleeding in my hands'
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Abby entered the lounge to grab her coat and head home. Her
day had been so stressful, she had never wanted a hot bath more. God, what was
up with Carter? And more to her concern, how did she feel about it? She knew
she liked Luka. He was a good man. They weren't in the easiest of
relationships, but he was always trying to help and she loved that. On the
other hand, he was so... so damn nice! And considerate (despite their rough
start). Caring. Passionate. It almost seemed as if he was surreal, too good to
be true. Too good.
Maybe that was why she wouldn't let him too close, why she
didn't confide in him so much, or inquire about his days and moods. Because she
feared she didn't deserve all his good intentions, or that if she surrendered
to whatever love - if love it was - had in store for her, it would all be
snatched away in a matter of seconds. She'd be left in ruins. She knew what
that felt like, and it was no place she wanted to go back.
The med school application didn't mean that much in itself,
it was more whatever it symbolized that she was angry about. No, angry wasn't
the word. Confused. Scared. Luka was ready to make a commitment, and she
couldn't blame him if he wanted one in return. He might even, God forbid, be in
love, and how the Hell was she supposed to respond to that without hurting him
if she didn't reciprocate? Yes, scared definitely was the word.
But then again, maybe she *did* reciprocate...
The door clicked open, startling her out of her thoughts,
and one tall doctor entered. Carter. He went straight for the coffee-maker,
oblivious to Abby who was standing only a few feet away. This made her uneasy
to the
point where she felt she had to break the tense silence, something she never was
specifically good at.
"So, um..." she said, looking into her locker
"How... how's that kid, Martin?"
Christ, how did it get there? Asking about patients to make conversation,
that was so far from what they had up till a few hours ago. How on Earth did it
get *there*?
"Oh, he's uh... I think he'll make it. Lucky we
diagnosed him in the early stages." He said, pouring himself coffee in a
styrofoam cup.
He felt bad. He shouldn't have told her those things, now
she was nervous around him, and it showed. Damn him and his big mouth! How was
he going to fix this, could it *be* fixed? Now, he had been telling the truth and
he didn't "regret" it per se, but as for everything, there was a
place and a time, and it seemed he picked the wrong ones. Besides, his current behavior
wasn't helping matters...
Pathetic. There they were, she and her best friend, talking
about a *patient,* when there should have been so much more to talk about.
Although, both knew they were merely avoiding the Touchy Subject of the Week.
Refusing to handle the oh-so-delicate issue at hand... Neither knowing how.
"Good!" Abby finally said in a faux-cheery tone as
she flashed him an obviously faux smile. "Good" she repeated, out of
things to say.
A silence.
"Hey listen, can I give you a ride?" Carter
suddenly blurted out in a lame attempt to patch things up.
Maybe, where all else failed, pretending like nothing
happened would work? Albeit unlikely, it was worth trying.
But just as Abby was about to answer, the door swung open again
and Luka came through it. The older man didn't have the chance to utter a word,
before Carter bitterly sighed a muffled "Nevermind" to Abby and
exited the room hastily.
"What is going on?"
"Oh, it's... nothing." She avoided his inquiring,
worried, concerned eyes. "Hey, can you uh... d'you think you can wait me
up for a sec? I'll meet you at the car."
"Is this about the application again?" Luka wanted
to know.
"Oh, no!" She shook her head. "I know you
meant well--"
"I did" Luka interrupted.
"--but I have to run, I'll explain later." Abby
finished as she started toward the door.
"Abby, you would tell me if anything was wrong, would
you not?"
"Of course I would." She lied. "Just... Don't
worry, just gather your things up and meet me in the lot."
And with that, she left, to go on Carter's trail. But,
damnit, he was already out of sight. Passing by the Admit desk, she asked Randi
if she'd seen him. The clerk had just replied this was Admissions, not
Information, but Lydia thought he'd gone up to the roof.
Abby almost ran to the elevator and the nurses set a new
pool running as soon as she was out of earshot.
"Ten bucks she dumps Dr. Kovac and hooks with
Carter." Lydia announced matter-of-factly.
"Nuh-huh, I bet you twenty she doesn't." Haleh
said back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen... A half hour... Oh,
well, she doesn't want to confront him: she'll take the El. Luka drove to her apartment
wondering what might have taken her so long. It was not like her to run off
like that. And the fact that it was Carter she'd run off after was not very
reassuring to him. But she would have to talk tonight, once and for all.
He climbed up the stairs, wondering where she was. He let
himself inside the apartment, wondering who she was with (Carter, most likely).
Then he sat on the couch, leaned back and lifted his right foot to rest on his
left
knee. And he waited for her, wondering why she wasn't with him. Some time passed,
and he kept waiting, and wondering. He started thinking of possible scenarios
and reasons why she wasn't back home yet, and how he could respond to each of
those. But he found no answer, because none of the possibilities he came up
with made much sense. Truth is he didn't want them to, so he didn't try harder.
He just waited, wondering.
A few moments later - an eternity to Luka, a click of the
door put a stop to his wondering. Abby was there, and she was with him, even
though he wasn't sure why.
"Hey." He greeted her half-questioningly as he got
to his feet.
"Hi..." She replied guiltily.
"I hope you don't mind my driving here alone--"
Luka started.
"Oh, no, that's... okay." Abby nodded, giving him
reason. "I took the El."
"Good, I'm glad." Luka nodded in turn.
"So," he awkwardly started to deepen their conversation. "What
took you so long anyway?"
"I had to uh... figure some stuff out with Carter. But
I should have called, I'm sorry." Abby replied casually, pretending like
nothing of significance had happened.
"It's okay." Luka replied carelessly, pretending
like he hadn't worried himself sick. "How did that go?"
"Well, um, not so well, actually" Abby answered
truthfully, avoiding Luka's eyes again.
"No? What happened?" Luka inquired further,
surprised.
"Well... I, um," Abby tensely started, ashamed.
"I... I kissed him... Luka."
And so she had said it. It was out in the open at last. Then
she waited for his reaction. Would he be angry, upset, jealous, hurt? She
waited apprehensively, but nothing came from him.
He was wounded, and he felt betrayed. Above all, he did not
understand why or how Abby could have done this. Had he heard right? She kissed
Carter?
"You kissed him? Why?" He eventually asked in a
voice as devoid of emotion as he could make it.
"Because, I don't want to lose him..." Abby simply
said. "It was nothing more, and it won't happen again. I promise."
She promised.
"Then, why are you telling me?" Luka was
unconvinced.
"Because I don't want to lie to you... anymore."
Abby painfully admitted to him. "And I..." she met his eyes and
attempted to smile while tears of despair threatened to fall from her own.
"I think... I think I love you."
This was more than he could take. Of all the scenarios and
possibilities he had explored earlier, this was far from any of what he had
imagined. You don't go and kiss somebody when you're in love with someone else.
You just don't. Nothing made any sense now, nothing at all.
"No, you don't." Luka bitterly declared, grabbing
his coat and heading for the door.
"Where are you going?" Abby almost cried, hoping
to hold him back.
"I need to work."
And then he just walked out. Poof, gone! And Abby cried all
she knew, even though she wasn't sure she knew anything anymore. In just one
day, one day of her life, her whole world, her very own and fragile world, had
crumbled down. First she'd lost her only friend, then she'd lost her boyfriend,
then her self-esteem, and now she was losing hope of getting any of them back.
Right now all she wanted was to cry herself to sleep and
wake up from this bad dream, her worst ever. But this was real, and however
much she may cry was not going to affect reality a bit. Yet she went on crying,
that was the only thing she really knew how to do. So she cried all she knew.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Carter was still up on the hospital rooftop, grinning like a
fool. Happy, almost. He'd kissed Abby. He. Had kissed. Abby. Ain't life great? They
had talked, they had fought, and they had kissed. Just minutes ago.
Life's pretty great, ain't it?
But then she had fled. Well, Kovac was probably waiting for
her, he could understand that. She would gently break things off with him and
be upset tomorrow morning, but he'd be there for her. He'd be there to hear her
out, offer some comfort. Tell her it's okay. He'd be there to hold her, and he'd
fulfill her needs. Tell her he loves her.
And then they'd have their whole lives ahead of them, he knew
it. Well, he didn't have the pretense to actually believe he *knew* with
absolute certainty, but the thought sure pleased him.
This had to be it. After waiting for so long, this had to be
it. And things couldn't be any other way. Or at least they weren't supposed to.
Still, she had almost run.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Driving to the hospital, Luka wasn't getting any calmer. How
could she do this? How could she even *think* of doing it? He had known he and
her had issues, but it had never crossed his mind that things could - would -
come
this far. He had trusted her, all along. Now, he didn't know. He didn't even feel
like he knew her that well anymore.
Even alone, he hated the silence around him. This heavy,
reproachful, inevitable silence, cradle of countless questions and doubts.
Music, that's what he needed. Not only did love songs occasionally bring
answers, music
had always had a soothing effect on him. But all he wanted for now was for the
sound, any sound really, to flood his head and drown out his thoughts.
Stopping at a red light, he turned on the radio, and the
music started to play: "--ymore, before you take a swing... I wonder, what
are we fighting for? When I say out loud, I wan--." Luka shut off the
radio as soon as he
recognized the song. It was one of the first he had heard when he got to America,
and it was *not* going to put a stop to all his thinking. But the voice kept
going in his head: "I wanna get out of this... I wonder, is there
anything I'm gonna miss? I wonder how's it gonna be, when you don't know me? How's
it gonna be, when you're sure I'm not there?"
And it made him think even more. This particular song sure
brought him more questions than it did answers.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Carter went home in high spirits, impatiently looking
forward to the next day. Oh, what a good day it would be! Finally, he'd get his
chance to be a part of her life, and try to make things go right. Abby hardly
ever looked happy, but now he could step out of this anguishing helplessness he
was trapped in all this time, and take a shot at solving her problems and shielding
her from the pain. And he couldn't wait.
Upon entering his room, he saw his answer-machine was
blinking and he pressed Play.
"You have -two- new messages." The cold,
electronic voice announced. "Message number -one-, at -twenty- hours, and
-thirty- -seven- minutes : 'Hey John, it's me, Jing-Mei... Why, you're not
there, apparently... I just
wanted to say thanks for the help with my application, I... I don't...' A choke.
'Dr. Weaver said I should prepare for a rejection.'
Aw, hell! He couldn't see how she might not get it, she
would have been brilliant in that position, and she deserved it. Damnit!
'...Dr. Lewis applied for the position and her chances are
looking good, it seems. Call me when you get the chance, I could use a friend
just about now. Bye.' Beeeep."
Carter was so disturbed by this that he decided he hadn't
heard right. Susan? Nah... she'd moved on long ago, and she should be way
beyond a resident by now. Must be a different Dr. Lewis.
"Message number -two-, at -twenty- -one- hours, and
-fourteen- minutes : 'Carter, hi, it's Abby. Um... call me when you get home?
We need to talk, it's urgent. Thanks.' ... Beeeep."
Something was wrong, he could sense it. It was something in
her voice which she tried to cover, but he'd seen right through it. Of course, something
*had* to go wrong, when did things ever go right for him? For her?
So he picked up the receiver and punched in the familiar
number. She picked up on the second ring and he heard her sniff.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's Carter. I got your message, what's
wrong?" He asked, concerned.
"I... Luka and I had a fight, and... well, he's pissed.
He stormed out, and..." She paused. "And I'd really like it better if
I could speak to you face to face."
"Sure. Where'd you want to meet?"
"Um, is my place good for you? Luka's either at the
hospital or Doc Magoo's, and it wouldn't be a smart thing to hang around him
right now..."
"I see, yeah... No problem!" Carter nodded,
forgetting for a second that she couldn't see him.
This was getting interesting. Had they broken up yet? Was
this when he came in to pick up the pieces and then they lived happily ever
after?
"When can you be there?" Abby asked nervously.
"Whenever you want."
Whatever for her. Whenever, wherever, anything... So long as
it made her happy. With him, preferably, but so long as she was happy... It
didn't seem like Luka made her happy. Carter wanted to try, he knew he could.
She chuckled in spite of herself. "Alright, that's as
soon as you can."
"I'll be right over."
"`kay, see you in a few. Thanks, Carter."
What was she getting herself into? She hoped Carter wasn't
getting any ideas, she only wanted to talk.
"Anytime..."
They hung up.
Anytime... Anytime she was ready. Tonight, tomorrow, next
week, next month... It didn't matter, so long as she was ready.
Carter chastised himself for having such thoughts. She
*just* wanted to talk, period. But then again, how to avoid them? 'Clear your
mind, Carter, clear it out' he told himself patronyzingly, before dialing for a
cab-driving company.
But then he took a shower. Just in case...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Abby paced around her living room, rehearsing in her head
the words she was going to say to Carter. God, she hoped he wasn't mistaken as
to the reason she asked him to come... What would she do if he *was*? It
wouldn't
be fair to blame him, after the way they left things earlier... Boy, that was
some hole she'd dug herself into!
He showed up half-an-hour later. "Hey."
"Hey. Come on in." Abby welcomed him, sounding
cheerier than she actually was.
"So," Carter awkwardly started. "You wanted
to talk?"
"Ah, yes. I wanted to talk about, um, the... about what
happened on the roof." She confirmed, faking a faint smile.
"Oh." Carter sounded surprised, but he really
wasn't. He was worried. He sat uncomfortably in the same spot Luka had been
earlier, while Abby stood before him, arms crossed over her chest and mostly
looking down.
"What about it?" He pressed.
"Well, um..." Abby hesitated. This was going to
break his heart. But it had to be said, she couldn't lead him on in a wrong
direction. "Basically... I, uh, kissed you for all the wrong reasons. I
shouldn't have, I... regret it. I'm sorry."
He was knocked wordless. Not that he hadn't half-expected
it, but hearing it was a whole lot different. It made it definite. He looked sideways
and rubbed his chin in frustration.
"Are you... okay?" Abby asked naively.
"Um, no, yeah, I'm fine." He ironically replied, a
tad confused. "I mean, I shouldn't be so surprised!" A trace of anger
showing in his voice, he rose to his feet. "And you know what? I don't
wanna hear a thing. You're with Kovac, I get it!"
And he proceeded to walk out.
"Carter, wait." Abby put a strand of hair behind
her ear but kept standing where she had been all the while, expecting him to
stop in his tracks. But he didn't, and as she heard the sound of the door
opening, Abby abruptly turned to grab his arm and pleaded again. "John,
please! We're not finished."
"*I* am." He bitterly declared, actually stopping
for a second.
"No, no!" Abby protested. "I did... what I
did, for wrong reasons... but they were reasons all the same." She tried
to explain.
"Yah!" Carter scoffed and looked away briefly.
"Listen Abby, you don't want me, I can understand that. I was wrong to assume
you c--"
Abby cut him off before he could finish. "But I *do*
love you, as my friend!"
"Well, see, that's the problem, Abby. I love you,
period."
He looked down at her reproachfully one last time, and
pulled his arm free. Then he walked out and disappeared.
And Abby had never felt so alone.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Luka stood motionless on the rooftop, thinking things
through. He'd never felt a sentiment of betrayal so strong before, and he tried
to forgive Abby, because he knew she was confused, but somehow he couldn't. She
had behaved strangely all day, that was for sure. But why, he hadn't the slightest
clue. It couldn't be all about that med. school application, that was merely an
excuse.
He knew she was keeping things from him, and he hated it. If
she didn't want to be with him, there was no need for her to be. And if she did
want to be with him, she shouldn't hide anything from him. And so far, she'd
had several occasions to leave him, she just never did. But she still didn't talk.
He knew she wasn't with him for lack of options, either. Whatever little
stability he had brought her, Carter certainly would be able to provide her
with as well. He knew she wasn't happy, but she stuck by him, always.
There had to be a reason, but what? He didn't want her to
leave him, he cared about her. In fact, he'd never cared so much about anyone
since after he lost his family. Not quite as much yet, but it was getting
there. He even suspected he was falling in love. But he didn't understand her.
How was he supposed to if she never told him anything? Instead of going to him
when she had a problem, she went to Carter, always.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The following day was a woken nightmare for all three of
them.
Luka and Carter both avoided Abby at all costs, and she
never got a chance to talk to either of them. Mark Greene had taken the day off
for some obscure reason, and Carter pretty much hung around Dr. Chen all day.
So she only assisted Drs. Weaver and Malucci, which caused the latter to nag
her very annoyingly every couple of seconds by pretending to think she actually
had a crush on him. Ha! If the poor guy only knew how tormented she felt, how
worried, how worthless... If he knew how bad, how sorry she felt about herself,
if he knew how many issues she came with, he wouldn't manifest the slightest
interest in her. Not in a million years.
Carter was definitely irritable, and determined to make some
more calls to get a position elsewhere. Working here with *her* and *him*
around all the time was clearly out of question. He figured he'd miss Dr.
Benton, Deb,
Mark, Kerry... everyone but *them,* but staying there would most probably lose
him his sanity. Well, maybe he would miss her at first, but he certainly
wouldn't miss the hurt in seeing her wallow in all the self-inflicted pain, or
this unbearable impotency in regard to her blatant unhappiness. Yes, he would
miss her at first. But he wouldn't strive to hold memories if they ever drifted
away.
Luka felt like his heart had literally been broken in two.
Whenever he saw or heard Carter, he felt angry, jealous, violent. If he had had
to speak to him, he would have yelled. And if he hadn't had a sense of dignity,
he
could have punched the lights out of him. Because he did feel the urge to yell,
the urge to hit. And then whenever he saw or heard Abby and how lost, how
miserable she looked or sounded, this whole other half of him almost understood,
almost commiserated, almost forgave. Almost. And he felt the urge to go hug her
and murmur in her ear that things would turn out all right, that she could
count on him. But he couldn't bring himself to do
those things. Were they even worth doing, now? He wasn't sure. Yet, she still
could make this half of him melt, and in the end, all that remained was that
other half filled with ugly feelings toward Carter. And that usually was when
he walked away, or refocused his attention to the million little noises all
around the ER.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The following night was a sleepless, restless one.
As much as Carter tried to sleep, all he did was twist and
turn under the covers for hours, ceaselessly, exteriorly interpreting the many
twists and turns of his mind. He had gotten a job offer in Houston, and he
didn't
know whether he should take it. He had every reason to go, lose all that crap,
and forget all about it. But then he had one almighty reason to stay. Abby
wanted him to stay. As her friend. Did he love her enough to endure the suffering
staying would beget him, and stand by pretending he was fine? Or did he not
love her enough to let her drive him away from County, from Chicago? He didn't
know. Or maybe he did, and didn't want to see it. After
some more twisting and turning in the bedsheets, he eventually slid into a foggy
daze that remotely resembled slumber, still with a firm grasp of reality
torturing him even there.
Luka laid awake all night. His bed felt empty, something was
missing. But it didn't feel empty so much as it felt cold. *Someone* was missing,
and not just anyone. Abby was missing. Luka couldn't find peace. Oh, what had
he
done, that made him feel so wrong?
Abby had traded shifts with Haleh. She couldn't take another
day like the last, so she decided to work the night instead, and go home in the
morning. It was a quiet night. A couple drunks had come in, but this was one
of the rare times the Chicago people did seem to choose between drink or drive,
and no trauma had come in for several hours. So Abby was left to mostly wander
around the hospital, rethinking everything. Everything. And
she blamed herself all over again. Around 4:00 AM, out of boredom, distress, regret
she picked up a phone and dialed Carter's number. Pleadingly, she spoke to the
answer-machine: "John, please, I know you want to leave, but you have to
reconsider. Please. You can't just... go away. I'm sorry I hurt you, I...
*need* a friend like you! Stay... please." She hung up and resumed wandering
about. Three hours to go!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It was a little before seven o'clock when he reached the
hospital roof, a steaming cup of coffee in hand. Seems like he came here a lot,
lately. But this morning, someone else was already there. And of course, it had
to be Luka Kovac, of all people. Well, it wasn't so bad, maybe this would be
his chance to right his wrongs.
"Hey." Carter stepped forward and tentatively
smiled.
Luka turned back slowly, and remained calm. "Carter.
You're not on till 10."
"And good morning to you too." Carter shook his
head and strove to stay polite. So he deemed better to let a few moments go
before asking: "Say, you know where Abby is?"
Luka was wowed at the nerve Carter showed, but still kept
his cool. "Somewhere downstairs. She's off at 7."
"Go get her."
"What?" Luka was genuinely surprised. What in the
hell was Carter's trying to do?
"Go... She loves you." It took him a lot to admit
it, but it was right, and he felt much better.
Luka stared at Carter for a full minute and looked down, as
a brief grin crossed his face. "I know." He looked up and tried to
guess Carter's emotions. He looked drained. "What are you going to
do?"
"I don't know." Carter confessed. "She wants
me to stay, but... I don't know."
"Then stay, Carter. Stay."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Abby was getting her things from her locker to go home, when
the door opened and Luka entered.
"Abby, hi."
Damn. She hadn't expected him to be there this early. Now
she was going to think about him all day, no doubt. Damn. "Hi."
"Listen," Luka started.
Abby turned around, and he was right behind her. It felt
nice, but God only knew what was he going to say. She wasn't sure she wanted to
hear it. "Um, no. I don't have the time, Luka."
"Please." He gently grabbed her by the elbow,
refusing to just let her slip away. She looked up into his eyes and said
nothing. Her look was begging him to not hurt her. "I don't... understand
what you did, why you did it. But I'm glad you told me..."
Abby nodded, teary-eyed. And he continued. "I'm sorry I
walked out. I missed you. I... believe you. I forgive you."
"I'm sorry I deceived you." Abby managed in a
trembling voice.
"No, no Abby, you didn't deceive me. I was... an
idiot." He smiled. "You've been through so much! You amaze me, Abby,
everyday. You are so brave."
Abby blushed a little and looked down, and he pulled her
closer.
"And if you don't want to go to med. school, then don't
go. That's fine. I just wish you... would let me help, when things get out of hand."
"I know. I'll try." Abby tried to smile, and a
single tear rolled down her cheek. She reached her arms around Luka and
squeezed. And resting her head on his chest, his arms wrapped around her, she
felt relieved and
protected. Most of all, she felt cared for, more than ever before in her life.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If you're lost, you can look, and
you will find me
Time after time
And if you fall, I will catch you,
I'll be waiting
Time after time
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Luka sighed, hopeful. "Thank you." He kissed the
top of her head, and rubbed her back. "You know, I... Me too... I love
you."
"Thank you."
She smiled. He smiled. And they went home together.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The End. Feedback please! :)
~Adeline.