___________________________
Carnage: "...and that's how it all started."
Cyber Jim: "That's how what all started?"
Carnage: (shrugs) "I don't know, who's keeping score..."
Jack: "Isnt this where I come in and say 'I am'?"
Vegeta: (trying to see through the window on the cooking kitchen door) "I always wanted to know how waffles are actually made."
Carnage: "Waffles..? They're from Texas, and down there they don't give secrets away to just anybody."
Vegeta: (nods slowly, eyes still on the door as he stands up) "Well I'm not JUST ANYBODY. Where do you get off saying stuff like that?"
Cyber Jim: "Curiosity killed the cat, Vegeta."
Vegeta: (pounds a fist on the table and glares at Jim) "Do I look like a fuckin' cat to you?"
Jack: (mutters to Jim) "Please don't answer that. It's for everyone's own good."
Vegeta: (walks toward the kitchen door) "Ah, ta hell with all of you..."
Carnage: (yells over his shoulder) "Would you get me a toothpick while you're back there?"
(Gohan walks over to the table, dressed in a waiter's outfit)
Gohan: (puts on a really bad French accent like he's not even trying) "May I take your order, gentlemen?"
Jack: ".....Gohan?! What the hell are you doing here?"
Gohan: (drops the accent) "Do I get paid for being in this CITY thing? No! This is the only job I'm good at."
Cyber Jim: (yells out loudly) "Don't you sell drugs?!"
(everyone in the restaurant turns their heads at Gohan)
Gohan: (looks around at everyone and smiles sheepishly) "Ha ha ha ha ha...good one sir, good one...!"
Carnage: (starts laughing insanely) "Only in New York..."
Jack: "...Los Angeles."
Carnage: (waves a hand) "Who cares?"
(everyone in the restaurant goes back to what they were eating)
Gohan: (nods to Jim with a bitter smile on his face) "You're just a damn riot. I don't sell drugs.....I purchase them."
Cyber Jim: (shrugs) "Hey, that's none of my business, whatever gets you by."
Gohan: (shakes his head) "It doesnt get my by! It gets me high! This blasted job gets me by, and they don't even give me free coffee!!"
Carnage: "We've got plenty of coffee back home. When do you leave?"
Gohan: "....do you really think I care? I'm coming home with you."
Carnage: (shakes his head) "No, no, no...we came here to eat, now get out that pen before I pop ya."
Gohan: (narrows his eyes)
(Vegeta is casually walking around the cooking kitchen with his arms folded, looking on each shelves)
Vegeta: "Oatmeal...don't care....bagels...don't care....muffins.......not right now......WAFFLES!" (stops right next to a waffle maker)
(the waffle maker has Snoopy's face on it)
Vegeta: (tilts an eyebrow) "I recognize you."
(back out in the seating area)
Jack: "Y'know....I wonder why Gumby got cancelled. He was probably getting too old, but I think he could have lasted a few more years."
Cyber Jim: "He actually does standup comedy around here every week."
Jack: (eyes widen) "You're kidding me!"
Cyber Jim: "Nope, I'm serious."
Carnage: "Pokey can't walk anymore though, so he's pretty much done."
Jack: "Was he getting too old?"
Carnage: "...no, he fell off a horse."
(Gohan comes over to the table with all of their orders)
Cyber Jim: (takes his waffles) "Thanks there..." (notices that on his Snoopy waffle, it says 'Vegeta Was Here' in big letters across his forehead) "........o-kay."
Gohan: (looks at Jim's waffle) "Oh...shit...." (darts into the kitchen, muttering) "That's fucking terrific..."
(Vegeta is standing by one of the shelves with a chef's hat on, chopping up carrot's with a knife with his back turned to Gohan)
Gohan: (taps him on the shoulder) "Hey pal, have you seen a guy walk in here with big hair? Looks like a cat?"
Vegeta: (his eyes light up angrily and he spins around, pointing the knife to Gohan's neck) "I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A GOD DAMN CAT, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!"
(back out in the eating area, sounds of pots clanging anywhere are heard from the kitchen followed by Vegeta's voice repeating over and over again: "NO KITTY CAT")
Jack: "....Gohan never brought the check."
Cyber Jim: (points down to his waffle) "I was unsatisfied with this vandalized waffle. I don't think we have to pay."
Carnage: (nods) "Yeah, you're right. Let's get the hell out of here."
(as they get up and walk out, loud talking and screaming can be heard from the kitchen)
Italian Man: "'Ey wassa matta 'fa you, big hair boy? Get outta 'de kitchen or I'll knock'a your block off!"
Vegeta: "I REALLY don't like the way you're talking to me, Luigi!!!" (pow, smash, bang)
(Carnage, Cyber Jim, and Jack finally get outside)
Cyber Jim: "Shouldnt we get Vegeta?"
Carnage: "He knows his way home. Let's just beat it."
(Carnage and Jim walk away, but someone taps Jack on the shoulder)
Jack: (looks behind him) "Eh?"
(a green power ranger sticks his head out from the alleyway)
Green Ranger: "Hey, mack, how'd you like to make some dough?"
Jack: "HEYYY! You're one of those X-men fellas!"
Green Ranger: "Ehmmm...close enough. So how about it?"
Jack: "Well I'd love to make money, but what do you need me to do?"
Green Ranger: (leans in and whispers) "Well, it's like this...we want Carnage City out of the picture. They keep killing off my boys and I'm starting to get sick and tired of it. Get me, Kelly?"
Jack: "...Jack. My name's Jack. And I don't know about this....I mean Carnage is my friend."
Green Ranger: (shakes his head) "He's a bad man. He'll kill you one of these days, I bet my bottom dollar."
Jack: (raises a brow) "What the hell does that mean?"
Green Ranger: "It means I'm sure he'll cut yer head off!"
Jack: (turns and yells down the street) "Carnage, would you cut my head off?!!"
Green Ranger: (says in his normal squeaky voice) "Yes, Jack."
Jack: (turns back around to him) "...that was you."
Green Ranger: "No it wasnt."
Jack: (walks away from him, after Carnage) "Get outta my face, ya stupid prick..."
Green Ranger: (stands there blinking)
(the scene switches over to Carnage City a couple of hours later, everyone sitting around staring at the wall)
Iron Man: "Paint."
Smythe: "You bet."
(silence)
Venom: "Brown paint."
Chamelion: "...oh yeah."
(silence)
Buzz II: "Where's Vegeta and Gohan?"
Carnage: "Gohan's in the hospital and Vegeta.....I think he's lost or something."
Buzz II: "Oh."
(silence)
Symbiote Spider Man [A.K.A. Vinny]: "We should get one of those black lights in here. They glow."
(silence)
Jack: (suddenly jumps up and screams with his arms out) "YOU'RE ALL PLANNING TO KILL ME!! I won't let you! You mother fuckers!!!"
Carnage: "......what...the hell are you talking about?"
Jack: (points to Carnage) "You will regret this day for as long as you die!!!" (jumps through the wall and disappears)
(silence)
ID4 Shocktrooper: "....think we should put an air conditioner in here?"
Carnage: (shrugs) "Yeah, sure."
(back at the power rangers lair...)
Yellow Ranger: (dances around, singing) "Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1979..."
(Jack bursts the door open)
Jack: "I WANNA KILL CARNAGE CITY!!!"
Yellow Ranger: (stops)
Green Ranger: "Ah, so you're here to take me up on my offer, huh? Come crawlin' back?"
Jack: (stomps over to him and grabs his throat) "I'll squeeze your neck 'till your head flies off like a Tylenol cap!! Those 'easy-to-pop' ones with the extra strength formula, y'know in the aisle next to the toilet brushes and fish food."
Green Ranger: (slowly slips out of his grasp) "Okay....I'll just direct you to the enhancement room."
(back out on the streets of Los Angeles, Vegeta tries to find his way home)
(he stops in front of a man selling paintings)
Vegeta: "Excuse me, but could you tell me how to get to Sesame Street--ehh--Carnage City?"
Man: (shakes his head) "Oh, no no. John Lennon."
Vegeta: "What?" (looks to the painting next to the man, a painting of John Lennon) "Yeah, that's great...but where is Carnage City?"
Man: "Forget it. John Lennon."
Vegeta: (growls and puts on a weak smile) ".....okay, you son of a bitch....I'll buy this nice portrait of John Lennon if you'll tell me how to get to Carnage City."
Man: "Okay 'den..." (hands him the painting)
Vegeta: (hands him $300) "Okay..NOW tell me where Carnage City is."
Man: "No no. Jimi Hendrix."
Vegeta: "WHAAAAT?!!! Grrrrr---fine, fuck you!" (bashes him in the face with the John Lennon painting and dashes down the street)
(the sound of sirens can be heard behind him as he runs)
Vegeta: (plugs his ears while continuing to run away) "I'm ignoring youuuu!!"
(back at the power ranger lair, Jack steps out of the enhancement room)
(Jack is wearing a very large power ranger outfit and a Santa Claus hat)
Jack: "THIS is my enhancement? What the hell will this do for me?"
Red Ranger: (giggles) "Plenty, plenty!"
Jack: (sighs) "....do you have any homing missiles here?"
Blue Ranger: "Why yes we do. We have them just in case those bad Russian people try to act like meanies."
Jack: (snickers) "You can never be too careful..." (dances all around the room, swinging his fists at all of the rangers and knocking their heads clean off)
Power Rangers: ([painful interjections])
Jack: (smiles and slides over to the control panel) "I think I'll send Carnage City a nice little present! But...it won't really be nice actually, because they'll blow up and be hurt, so that was entirely classic villainy terms." (looks at the camera) "Okay?"
(back at Carnage City, everyone is sitting there while mannequins and cardboard cutouts dance around with music playing like in Home Alone)
Carnage: (stretches out) "This is the life..."
Venom: (standing by the window) "Um...son?"
Carnage: "Yeeeees?"
Venom: "I thought you might like to take a look at-"
(BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!)
(the entire front room falls apart)
Carnage: (stands up after the explosion, completely black) "That was NOT COOL! What the fuck was that?!!"
Woody: (slides in from the other room) "I heard a noise in.....here."
Carnage: (clutches his fist) "I know who did this!!! It was Vegeta!! He probably wanted to get even with us for leaving him behind at the diner!!!"
Woody: "But wasnt Jack the one who said he was going to get even with us for wanting to kill him or something?"
Carnage: (waves it off) "Oh, he just had some flu that day. Also a submarine ran him over, so he was funny in the head. Vegeta is the culprit here!!"
Woody: "....if you say so."
(back on the streets of L.A., Vegeta finally escapes from the cops and gets into a night club, taking a seat)
(Gumby is doing standup comedy onstage)
Gumby: "Take me down to L.A. City where the grass is pretty and the girls are green; that's what I always say."
(crowd laughter)
Vegeta: (looks around and makes a strange face)
Gumby: "...so how about good old Pokey, huh? I miss those days with my pal. I remember once when we stayed at a hotel...he flipped his lid because they wouldnt let him take his fish with him."
(crowd laughter)
Gumby: "So they finally let him keep the tank and the fish in the lobby. It all went good until he kept buying a new pack of fish every day until the damn tank exploded. There was a lot to clean up for the janitors that day."
(Vegeta starts laughing along with the crowd)
Gumby: "Leave it to Pokey to shorten the life span of a fish. Anyway...I noticed that there are a hell of a lot of cops in L.A."
Vegeta: (calls out) "I hear ya, buddy!"
(crowd laughter)
Gumby: (laughs) "Yeah, you look like you've done quite a bit of time there, bucko."
Vegeta: "...what's that supposed to mean?"
Gumby: "Well cops don't like guys who look like cats!!"
(crowd laughter)
Vegeta: (his eyes go entirely red) "..... ....... ...... ....."
Gumby: "Hey, is your girlfriend here or is she out getting you a ball of yarn?"
Vegeta: (screams extremely loudly and tips his table over, then leaps onto the stage and starts continuously punching Gumby in the crotch)
Gumby: (eyes roll every which direction) "BLAAAEEEEHHHH!"
Vegeta: (continuously punches that area) "I'LL BOP YOU STERILE! STERILE I'LL BOP YOU!!!! BOP IT!!! BOP IT!!!!!"
(some of the audience starts running toward the stage to stop him)
(Carnage busts in and forms a symbiote attack hand on his arm, slicing through all of them)
Carnage: "Pardon my rudeness!!!"
Vegeta: (starts KNEEING Gumby in the crotch) "YA LIKE KNEES?! HAVE A KNEE! KNEEEEEEE!!"
Carnage: (hops onto the stage and slices Gumby out of the way..in the crotch)
Vegeta: (steps back and growls) "Carnage! I've been looking all over for you!"
Carnage: (holds out his attack hand) ".....you didnt have to BOMB us for that!"
Vegeta: (blinks) "What...?"
Carnage: "You tried to blow us to high heaven, you filthy feline!!"
Vegeta: "THAT'S IT!!" (tackles Carnage off the stage)
(they both start brawling riotously on the floor)
(Jack Skelington walks in)
Jack: (stands there watching them, laughing) "Fools!"
(Carnage rolls away and stands up)
Carnage: "Jack? Where the hell have you been?"
Jack: "Plotting your death, scumbag! I see the bomb wasnt as strong as I expected. Those rangers are just dumb little weaklings as I thought."
Carnage: "...rangers? You made a deal with the Power Rangers?!!"
Vegeta: (grabs Carnage by the neck) "I'm not done with you yet!!!"
Carnage: "...hey Jack...what does Vegeta remind you of over here?"
Jack: (thinks) "Hmmmm....I've got it! A little baby kitten!"
Vegeta: (tosses Carnage into the wall and picks up a chair, running over to Jack) "WHY YOU.....!!!"
Carnage: (springs off the wall and races out of the place, locking the door)
(Jack can be heard yelping inside)
Jack: "I was only playin' around! You really look more like Jennifer Anniston!"
(Carnage skips away outside)
Vegeta: (stops chair-bashing) "...you think so?"
Carnage: (freezes in place, looking behind him oddly)
Copyright 2001 Why The Hell Are We Purple Now
This story is entirely fictional. All character situations are merely based on the show "Wild and Crazy Kids"
....I just said that to cover myself. It's a lie...it all really happened.
I mean you expect me to just come clean with you from the start; it's sad really.
Does this have anything to do with Nickelodeon? I don't think so. Only a total braindead hick would believe me.
...I apologize to our hick viewers. I like your style.
That is also a lie. I'd better go now. My tablecloth is calling me.