Confusion contorts my face for a moment as I poke at my thighs, which are actually the only things covered by it. I trace a small slow path up my leg, suddenly remembering, the memory revealing what the stickiness is.
"Not again..." I half groan/half whine. I'd had one of those dreams again. Even now, it's still so vivid as the memory returns. ~"Shishio-sama...." and suddenly I felt his hot flesh within me, burning with a delicious pain.~
I don't have those dreams often, but this is always the result. Of course, I have like thoughts when I'm awake, alone in my world, but I can't bring myself to defile his memory by acting on them. Only when I'm asleep does my body take such liberties on its own, and I can't control it.
Cheeks burning with shame, I hop out of the bed, standing in front of it in one move. I peel off the sticky, sweat-dampened clothing and fling it across the room... hard. Very angry at myself, I at least want to break something or do something else destructive. As the fabric hits the wall with a wet smacking noise, it does little more than intensify my anger.
I plod over to the little closet I keep my clothes in and pull out a large fluffy dark blue towel. As I'm now near the discarded clothing, I pick up a piece and try to dry myself as much as I can with it. Absolutely disgusted by that, I throw the linen back down and walk back over to the bed.
Wrapping the towel around myself, folding it at the top beneath my armpits, I sit on the bed to think. Well, now I need a bath. Turning to the door I scowl, realizing that now I actually have to go out there, and I regret never thinking to put a private bathroom in here. Of course, this being my own house to begin with I never thought I'd need it, but with Chou coming over everyday- sometimes sleeping over- and the other 'friends' who help out, I really wish I had thought of it.
Sure enough, as I sit on the bed absently playing with an edge of the towel while I think, that knock comes at the door. Instead of the hateful reaction I expect to have, my bottom lip starts to quiver, a definite sniffle shaking me. And instead of being angry at Chou for showing up, that shame burns through me again. I can't go out there. Not because I don't want anyone to see me, but because I don't want them to know...
"Just go away!" It's hard, but I think I hid the tremble in my voice well. Soon enough I discover that I hadn't, and to my horror, he knows why.
"Kamatari-chan..." And I can hear a slight clearing of his throat, as if I'm a child, and he has to be 'sensitive' with me. "It's not that bad.. I mean.. It's not like you're the only one who's ever--" And that's as far as he gets, for I just run to the door, beating on it and yelling at him to go away. His little 'comforting' speech only made me mad.
My little tantrum must seem rather psychotic, but it works, leaving me alone and sinking to the floor. "I'm sorry..." The tears are already flowing, but I don't care. I hate this. I hate it all. Across the floor I crawl to climb onto the bed. The towel has miraculously stayed in place, and still wrapped in it I lay down on the soft mattress, covering my head with the pillow and hoping for darkness.