I stepped into what looked like a pet shop on acid. There were weird things in cages. I looked down and saw a green cat rubbing against my feet.
"What is this place?" I yelled.
I saw Ric pushing through the animals. "Knockturn Alley," he said. "The fucking powder screwed up again."
I kicked the cat to the side and managed to get out of the door. "Geez. Where's Jenny?"
"Over here," yelled Jenny from the edge of a fountain. "I been waiting for you guys."
We were in a small public square. There were streets radiating from the square, and there were several ancient fountains and statues in the middle of it.
Jenny had been holding her sister Sue's hand while they walked along the edge of the fountain. Now she jumped down from the edge and ran over to us. Sue fell and started bawling.
Ric sighed. "I'll take care of her." He went over to mollify Sue.
Jenny pulled me down one of the streets. "You ever been here before?" she asked.
"No," I said. "Tammy took us to Diagon Alley a few times, though. I tried to go down here, but she wouldn't let me."
Jenny snorted. "Ain't nothing to be afraid of. Okay, what do we be needing?"
I checked the list. "Well, I can get most of the books out of Tammy's library. Except for the Liber Paginarum Fulvarum. What is that, anyway?"
"What class that be for?" Jenny asked.
"Defense Against the Dark Arts," I said.
Jenny shrugged. "We can just ask around. Let's see…we be needing wands."
"Do they sell wands here?" I asked.
"Yeah," Jenny said. "There be a wand shop in Diagon Alley, but they don't be using anything good. It be all unicorn hair and phoenix feathers. Here it is." She ducked into a shop that had a CLOSED sign on the door. I followed her.
"HEY!" Jenny yelled. "IS ANYBODY THERE?"
"It's closed," called someone.
Jenny stormed into the back. "Look, we be needing wands here. And if it be closed, why ain't it locked?"
A hag came in from the back, wiping her hands on a towel. "You've got me there, dearie," she said. "I was just trying to close a deal with a representative from Morder, but I'm sure he can wait. You want wands?"
"Yeah," I said, "and we don't want to wait all day."
The hag nodded. "All right, dears. Let's see…you two are going to Hogwarts, right? So…" She peered at me. "You look familiar, dearie. Hold on…let me switch on the light…" She fumbled for a chain hanging down from the ceiling. "There we go."
In the light, I could see that she was actually quite young. She was wearing earrings made out of what looked like bits from a unicorn's horn, and had on bright red lipstick.
The hag looked at me. "Ah, I know the right wand for you. Just a moment." She went into the back again.
Jenny looked at me. "If she don't come out in two minutes, we be leaving."
The hag came back out and pressed a wand into my hand. "Is this good, dearie?"
I waved the wand around a bit. A shower of pink feathers shot out of the end. "Cool! What's this made out of?"
"Rowan wood and unicorn hair," the hag said. "It's used, though. This was the wand of Tamara Fear."
"I've never heard of her," I said. "What about Jenny?"
"Is she a fey?" asked the hag.
"Yes, I be a fey!" yelled Jenny. "You got a problem with that?"
The hag shook her head solemnly. "No, dearie. It's just that fey magic is a bit different from human magic. I've got a box of fey wands…here." She gave Jenny a wand. It was made out of bits of melted metal, swirled to make a sort of spike on the end.
Jenny waved it around. It started glowing, and something red bubbled out of it.
Jenny looked pleased. "First try!"
"That's made with silver and johnswort," the hag announced. "That's one of the new ones. I'm glad you like it, dearie."
"How much do we be owing you?" asked Jenny.
The hag frowned. "How much have you got?"
"I've got a credit card," I announced, taking Tammy's Gold Card out of my pocket.
Jenny gave me a look. "You took your aunt's credit card?"
I shrugged. "It's not like she uses it."
The hag inspected the card. "Ah, yes. I see. Well…" She snapped her fingers. The card shimmered for a moment. The hag looked very pleased.
We stopped at a few other places to get things like cauldrons and gloves. Then Jenny dragged me into this store called Garden of Enchantments.
"This be where my aunt gets most of her clothes," she said.
The shop was full of robes covered with sequins and feathers. Most of them were really low-cut. I looked through the nearest rack for robes in my size.
Jenny held up a leopardskin robe that must have been cut for a Barbie doll. "Think this would fit?"
I shrugged. "It looks really small."
"That be the good thing about these robes," Jenny said. "No matter which one you wear, you look really good."
I picked up a snakeskin robe. It looked pretty cool.
I ended up buying eight robes. One was snakeskin, two were leopardskin, three were covered with sequins, one was faux leather, and one was covered with lace. Jenny got the same things.
Then we had to go to the pet shop on acid.
Ric and Sue were waiting for us outside of the shop. "Are you guys ready yet?" Sue asked.
"We still gotta get our animals," Jenny told her. "You want to help me pick, baby?"
"Sure!" yelled Sue. She ran into the shop.
I followed Jenny and Sue inside. The shop hadn't gotten any less chaotic.
I picked up what looked like a huge lizard. "What the heck is this thing?"
"That's a Komodo dragon," said a hag at the front desk. "It's a member of the crocodilian family. It has poisonous saliva."
The lizard licked me. "It's cute," I said.
"She's actually very well-mannered," the hag said. The dragon licked me. "She seems to like you."
"I'll take her," I decided. "What's her name?"
"Kora," the hag said. "Shall I put her on your credit card?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Sue thinks I should get this," Jenny said, showing me something that looked like a fox.
"That's a Vulpix," the hag said. "They're very affectionate. Shall I put that one on your friend's credit card as well?"
"Charge it," I said.
We spent the night at a little tavern in Diagon Alley.
It was five in the morning when Ric woke us up. Actually, Ric didn't wake us up. He woke up Sue, who jumped on Jenny's head and then kneed me in the stomach.
Jenny punched her. "Damn, Sue, what time is it?"
"It's five!" squealed Sue. "It's five five five! Come on, we have to go! Let's go let's go let's go!"
I groaned. "Ric, how much sugar did you give her?"
"Two tablespoons and a bowl of Captain Crunch," Ric said. "The train leaves in two hours. Do you guys wanna miss it?"
Jenny pulled the covers over her head. "Wake me when the sun comes up."
I got out my wand and tried something that I had seen someone do on TV. "Lumos."
A flash of light illuminated the room. Jenny squinted. "God, do you have to shine that thing right in my eyes?"
"Yes," I said.
Jenny sighed. "Fine."
Ric made us fried eggs, and then borrowed a car from one of his boyfriends. He played ZZ Top to wake us up. Sue called shotgun, and spent the entire ride singing, "She don't love me, she love my automobile" and other little gems of wisdom.
By the time we got to the station, there were already tons of people there, even though the train didn't leave for an hour yet. Ric and Sue went home, and Jenny and I decided to hang around for a while in a sort of bench square.
Jenny was in the middle of telling me a really stupid joke about a priest, an old lady, and a hippopotamus when there was a huge commotion near the ticket window. I went to go see what it was…
And a huge black owl with white markings on its wings sailed past me and right into the middle of the square. It glared at me and hooted.
Jenny scrambled back from it. "Where the hell did that thing come from?"
"I don't know," I said, "but I'm going to catch it. Come on, nice owl, come over to Auntie Rachel…Jenny, do you have any fried rats?"
"This ain't be the time to get a snack, Rachel," said Jenny.
"No," I said, "owls eat rats."
Jenny dug in her pocket. "Yeah, I got one. Catch!" She threw it overhand.
I caught it. "Thanks. Here, owl. Nice owl. See the nice rat? Come on, get over here."
The owl hopped toward me. It cocked its head to one side, and then tried to bite the rat out of my hands.
I grabbed the owl and held its wings against its body. "There we go, just sort of relax now, okay?"
The owl was hooting loudly and struggling like crazy. It was trying to bite me, but not quite succeeding.
A boy ran into the square. He had blonde hair in a short ponytail, steely gray eyes, and a really fine body. "Where did the stupid thing go?"
I held up the owl. "This yours?"
The boy's eyes narrowed. "That is mine, thank you," he said. "My father gave it to me. His name is Slash. He cost a lot of money."
"That's great," Jenny said. "Now why do you be carrying around some big-ass owl in the middle of a train station?"
"Because," the boy said, "I am going to Hogwarts. I spent four years without my own animal and I got this for my fifteenth birthday. Now would you please give it back to me?"
I held on to the owl. "Tell me your name first."
"What's yours?" the boy asked.
"I'm Rachel Phoebus," I said. "This is my friend Jenny Greenteeth. We're both going to Hogwarts."
"I'm Draco Malfoy," the boy said. "Phoebus…I think I know that name. Wait—Greenteeth? That's a fey name!"
I glared at him. "So?"
Draco paled. "Feys can't go to Hogwarts! It's against the lore."
"Fuck the lore," Jenny said. "Do you be wanting your owl back or not?"
Draco snatched it from me. "I'll be watching you." He walked away, looking over his shoulder at us.
I gave him the finger. He stopped and leered at me. "Especially you, Rachel." Then he walked into the crowd.
A girl with frizzy hair hurried up to us. "Isn't he an asshole?"
"Yeah," I agreed, thinking about the way his eyes flashed. "Pretty cute though."
The girl looked shocked. "Cute? Draco Malfoy? Cute?"
"Yeah," I said. "Hey, what's your name?"
"Hermione Granger," she said. She talked in an odd way, as if she were gulping in air and trying not to breathe out too much. "I'm going to Hogwarts too. I'm waiting for Ron and Harry…that's Ron Weasley and Harry Potter, they're two of my best friends…what's her name?"
Jenny nodded. "Jenny Greenteeth. You say you be friends with Ron Weasley?"
"Yeah," Hermione said. "Why?"
"Oh, nothing," Jenny said. "I met him in Egypt a few years back. One of his brothers was sleeping with my sister."
Hermione gave Jenny a blank look. "Er…Right. I've…got to go." She hurried off.
Jenny blinked. "What?"
I laughed. "Did you have to say that?"
"Say what?" Jenny asked. "I mean, all I said was that one of his brothers was sleeping with my sister."