So I married an Evil King?
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By Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel
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Sailor Zel: Hey peeps! As you know GG and me are co-writing a fic! This is my part anyway I hope you enjoy it!
( ) – parentheses means someone is thinking
Disclaimer: Wonderful people own Zelda, we're not some of them. (Dang.)
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Temple of Time
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Tia: Jeez Morpha! Watch where you swing that thing!
Tia dodged before the hovering camera knocked her out of the air.
Morpha: Sorry, crap! I can't get this lens cap off!
Tia: Morpha, you don't have any arms to pull it off with
Morpha: Oh yeah…
~ Outside the Temple of Time
(Link is sitting outside on a fold-up chair, handing out programs.)
Link: Man, I deserve a better job! I was the guy's archenemy for crying out loud!
Then Cerena and the Skullkid, Dokoru, walked up the stairs.
Dokoru: Ha-ha! Link gets to work the doors! Teeheehee!
Link: Shut-up and take the program!
Dokoru grabbed the program and followed Cerena into the temple, only to run back out five seconds later.
Dokoru: Oh yeah, I forgot! I'm in the wedding and you're not! Teeheehee!
Dokoru then rushed back into the church.
Link: One of these days, I'm gonna kill that imp. Or at least seriously hurt him.
~~~ Inside the Temple
Nurse Kate: Don't worry, Mr. Dragmire, Rauru will behave himself and if not. Er…um… Stan and Bill can take care of it.
The two men, Stan and Bill, stood behind Nurse Kate armed with tranquilizer guns and nightsticks.
Stan: Never underestimate the actions of the insane.
Bill: We learned that lesson the hard way…remember?
Stan: Yup, patient number 60499, Windmill guy, Deranged.
Bill: That name, that name chills the bones of the sane.
Stan: Don't worry little bro; remember the Windmill Guy is locked away in the nuthouse with all the green ketchup he can eat.
Bill: But the memories! The memories! They still frighten me!
Stan patted his younger brother on the back, in hopes of comforting him. Suddenly Nurse Kate appeared, rolling Rauru along in his wheelchair. The old man sat quietly in his chair, sucking on a grape lollypop. Gannondorf glanced at the Sage of Light, then continued pacing.
Rauru: AWWW! How cute! Somebody's got the wedding day jitters!
Gannondorf: Rauru! Shut-up!
~~~~~~~~~~~ Temple Basement
Zelda: Impa! Ruto! Nabooru! Malon! Saria! The guests are almost here! The wedding march is about to start!
Nabooru: Zelda! Cool it! First of all, the wedding doesn't start until 11, and it's 10 o'clock. And finally, you're making a bigger fuss about this wedding than Impa is! And it's not even your wedding!
Zelda: I'm sorry! But! But! I don't like this! Impa's my nanny! She isn't supposed to love anyone but me!
Malon: That's just too selfish and childish to comment on.
Saria: So true.
Both Malon and Saria turned back and faced the mirror.
Ruto: Ah! This makes me so happy!
Zelda: What! What is it about this depressing occasion that has you all happy!
Ruto: Tonight at the reception! Impa will throw the bouquet!
Malon: And?
Ruto: I'm gonna catch it! And that'll mean I'm getting married next!
Nabooru: Yeah, but how do you know you're gonna marry Link? For all you know, you could be marrying the next idiot to jump off the Ikana Canyon Bluffs!
Ruto: DREAM-KILLER!
Saria: ok…
Impa: Good morning!
Saria: Morning, are ya nervous, Impa?
Impa: Nope! Not a bit! I'm marrying the love of my life! Why should I be nervous!
Zelda: Goddesses! It's almost 11 o'clock! I wonder if the assassins are in position-
Malon: Assassins?
Zelda gasped and shoved a bag of gold rupees into Malon's hand.
Zelda: You didn't hear anything!
Malon shrugged and walked into the other room. Zelda breathed a sigh of relief; her plot was safe or so she thought.
Malon: IMPA! ZELDA'S TRYING TO KILL YOUR FUTURE HUBBY!
Impa: ZELDA!
A few minutes later, several armed Hylian soldiers were escorting the assassins off the premises.
~ Back upstairs
The Happy Mask Man cracked his knuckles and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a giant pipe organ; he stumbled slightly beneath its weight before dropping it on the ground. After the pipe organ, he pulled out a bench, a Big Book of Musical Stuff by Some Dude, and then he set up then sheet music and lay his fingers on the ivory keys.
: The Simpsons Theme plays:
Gannondorf: That's not a wedding march!
Darunia: Oh! I love the Simpsons! (Starts humming the theme song)
Happy Mask Man: Whoops…sorry! The music's upside down! (Flips it right side up) There we go
: Wedding March plays:
Tia: Morpha, is the camera ready?
Morpha: Yup! Ready and rolling!
Tia: Good, cause here comes the bride!
Morpha moved the camera over to the door.
Morpha: Um? Is that similey face supposed to be in the center of the picture?
Tia: Huh? Oh my Goddesses!
Tia pressed a few buttons and the horrible similey covering the entire picture vanished.
Tia: Whew.
Morpha: Tia, you can turn "The Wedding of Gannondorf Dragmire and Impa Zappa on May 24, 200l" off now.
Tia: I can't!
Morpha: (looking through the camera manual) Ok, press the blue button.
Tia: Which blue button?
Morpha: What do ya mean "which blue button"?
Tia: Well, there are a couple of them!
Morpha: Uh…the one to your left!
Tia pressed the button and the tripod legs shot out of the hovering camera, knocking three unlucky guests out cold.
Morpha: Ok, wrong blue button. Try the other one.
Tia pressed the second blue button and the camera floated down to ground. Once it landed, life sprang into its metal joints of its tripod legs and it began to dance and sing all the greatest Beatles hits. Tia and Morpha backed away.
Tia: What kind of camera did you buy?
Morpha: I thought they were joking when the box said, "beware, some cameras do contain artificial intelligence and dance mechanisms".
Tia: Oy…
Morpha: Oh lookie here! It was the yellow button.
Tia floated down and pressed the yellow button; causing the camera to resume floating, stop dancing, and remove that no-good sign that had started the whole thing!
Rauru: AWWW! Looks like someone has no idea what they're doing!
Tia and Morpha: Shut up Rauru!
Morpha faced the camera to the doors as they opened. Saria entered first, being the flower girl, tossing little white flowers as she walked. (A guest is hit in the eye)
Random Guest: AHHHH! MY EYE! (Runs out of the church) I NEED MEDICAL AID!
Saria: Oops…(shrugs and keeps walking)
Dokoru, the Skullkid, came next, dressed in a tux, with the precious rings hidden away in his pocket. Malon, Ruto, and Nabooru were next, led by the maid of honor, Zelda (Minna-chan! Look! She's sweating! A lot!) And finally Impa, dressed in traditional bridal gown, being given away by her father, Bob. Morpha and Tia and the dancing camera followed Impa up the aisle.
: Clunk! :
Random Guest: Ouch!
Morpha & Tia: Sorry!
(The camera is shaken up momentarily.)
The bride finally reaches the alter and the march stops. (Luckily, by now Tia has corrected the camera problems.)
Rauru: * Ahem * Hello and good morning Hyrule! How's everybody feeling?
Audience: Just peachy…
Link: Peachy, indeed.
Rauru: Now, we're all gathered here in this musty, old temple to witness the two most unlikely people in the entire Zelda games, except for maybe the Goron Elder and Anju but that's another story, tie the knot! Now on with the wedding! (Flips through a bible with the Triforce symbol on the cover) Hmmm, that's not too important, can skip that, do I really need to say that? Why no! Ok, Ahem, do you, Gannondorf Dragmire, take this woman, Impa Zappa, to be your lawfully or is that awfully? I like awfully! Awfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in healthness, richness or poorness, whether she be obese or anorectic, young or old, beautiful as the day or as ugly as…insert something very, very unpleasant to look upon here, a bad cook or a good cook, drinks out of the carton or uses your toothbrush without permission or…
Nurse Kate: Ahem!
Rauru: Shhh! Um, oh crap! Lost my place! Oh here it is! Ahem, whether she hogs the covers or likes the watch the Nightly Business Report, till Death do you part?
Gannondorf: I do.
Rauru: Cool. And do you, Impa Zappa, take this man, Gannondorf Dragmire, to be your awfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in healthness, richness or poorness, filthiness or neatness, King of Evil or King of Hippies, human or a goat/pig/dinosaur thingy, tolerable or down right annoying, stinky or sweet-smelling, whether he likes to watch Third Rock from the Sun or Friends, enjoys reading Shakespeare or rewriting Shakespeare and…um…till death do you part?
Impa: I do! With all my heart, I do!
Gannondorf: Oh Impa!
Impa: Oh Gannondorf!
(Both start making out, very passionately.)
Audience: EWWWWW…
Rauru: HEY! I didn't say, "kiss the bride" yet! Nurse Candy! My cane please!
Rauru grabbed the cane and began to poke Gannondorf very, very weakly with it.
Tia: Um…we're running out of film here.
The Happy Mask Man snatched the cane from Rauru's hands.
Happy Mask Man: You're not hitting him hard enough! Like this!
The Happy Mask Man whacked Gannondorf over the head. Gannondorf's eyes rolled back into his head and he keeled over, unconscious
Impa: GANNY-POO!
Happy Mask Man: Whoops…
Rauru: Nurse Candy!
Nurse Kate: It's Nurse Kate.
Rauru: Who cares! That mean and nasty Happy Mask Man stole my cane and busted it over Gannondorf's head!
Impa: Ganny-poo! Lovey! Speak to me!
Link: That's just peachy!
Impa: Shut up, Link! You're just being surly because you only got to hand out programs!
Link: I was being surly?! You accuse me of surliness! All I said was "That's just peachy!" in a semi-surly tone!
Zelda: Nobody cares! The groom's unconscious! This is absolutely fantastic!
Malon: Huh?
Zelda: Nevermind.
Gannondorf: Impy-Wuvy?
Impa: Ganny-poo! You're awake!
Zelda: (under her breath) crap.
Gannondorf: It's you, isn't it?
Impa: Who?
Zelda: What?
Audience: We're confused…
Link: Who? Me?
Gannondorf: Yes! You Link! You are deliberately trying to ruin my wedding!
Link: I am? I thought Zelda-
Audience: He is?
Gannondorf: Yes! You are! And I can't allow that! (The Triforce symbol on his hand lights up.)
Impa: Oh-no.
Audience: Uh-oh.
Link: Oh crap.
Gannondorf transforms into GANON waving his many swords! (The pig/goat/dinosaur thingy!)
Audience: Gasp! (or inhales sharply)
Sailor Zel: Sailor Barrier!
A protective field of energy surrounds the Audience.
Audience: Whew! (or exhales that sharply inhaled air)
Link: Whew! I'm safe!
Suddenly Link realized he was on the outside of the barrier.
Link: Uh-oh! Sailor Zel! Quick! Let me in! I wanna be in the barrier too!
Sailor Zel: Oops…
Link: Oh crap! I must flee!
Link ran around in mad circles as GANON watched and got dizzier and dizzier. GANON blinked and shook his head. Link got tired and had to rest.
Link: Running is hard! Either that or I'm out of shape!
GANON advanced towards Link, trapping him between GANON and the wall.
Link: Mommy.
Sheik: (the REAL one) Sorry, Mom couldn't find her medication, are we late? Oh hi Link! How's life treatin ya?
Link: Not so good.
GANON came closer, his swords flashing.
Rini: (Impa's twisted sister and Sheik's mommy!) SHEIK! Where the %$#* are you?
Sheik: Here, mum.
Rini: Good! Let's sit down and get this &%$* wedding over!
Rini crossed her arms over her chest and walked towards the seats.
: Clunk! :
Rini: What the $%#* is this &$%@ force field doing here!
Audience: It's protecting us from GANON!
Rini: Well la dee da! I guess I'm not worthy of being inside the force field so I'll be going but first…IMPA! Where the jerk I came all this way to see you marry!
Impa: Rini please! Rini this is my fiancé, Gannondorf Dragmire.
Rini glanced at GANON.
Rini: Oh Impa, Impa, Impa, you could do better! I mean look at him! You could have at least picked a cute one!
Impa: Rini shut up.
Rini: Yuck! Even Sheik's daddy wasn't that ugly!
Impa: Shut up, I said!
Rini: EWWW! He stinks too!
Impa: SHUT UP! RINI! At least I didn't have a crush on the Deranged Windmill guy in grade school!
Audience: GASP!
Rini: I…I…I didn't!
Impa: Yes you did! And I quote, "It's his charm, his sweet, insane ways that attract me." That's exactly what you said! Word for word!
Rini: Impa! I…I…I hate you! (bursts into tears and runs out of the church)
Tia: Oh poop!
Morpha: What?
Tia: We're out of film!
Morpha: Poop indeed.
Tia: Hang on! Pause the wedding! I gotta get more film!
Tia flew off and the fic was put into pause mode, which is something like this.
(PPPPPPAAAAAAUUUUUUSSSSSSEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!! (Breath) PPPPPPAAAAAAUUUUUUSSSSSSEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!)
Tia: Ok! I'm back!
Malon: Can we please finish the wedding! These high heels are killing my feet!
GANON promptly transformed back into Gannondorf and scurried back up the aisle to the altar. Sailor Zel took her Sailor Barrier down.
Rauru: Ok where were we?
Impa: I had just said I do.
Rauru: Oh, ok, found my place!
By the power vested in me by my yummy grape lollipop I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride now.
They kiss, and the wedding march starts up again.
Audience: YAY!
Link: I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. Oh crap, I'm gonna cry. (Cries.)
The audience and wedding party goes outside and throws rice as the bride and groom come out. Then a dark shadow crosses over the happy party.
Audience: Huh?
Dark shadow: Coo! Coo!
Random Guest: AHHHH! PIGEONS!
Audience: AHHHH!
Pigeons swooped down on the party pecking up the rice that had landed on people's clothes, hair, and shoes.
Random Guest #1: AHHHH! They're pecking at my tie!
Random Guest #2: Be gone filthy disease carrying birds!
Random Guest #3: AHHH! One stole my hat!
Link: Quick! Everyone flee the army of pigeons!
The wedding party fled to cars, horses, and author's clouds. Gannondorf picked up his bride and ran to the limousine with the "Just Married" sign. The guests sped away on their sources of transportation and the army of pigeons broke up.
Gerudo Fortress ~ Later
The limousine pulled up in front of the Gerudo Fortress and Gannondorf stepped out and admired the fortress. The pirates were putting the finishing touches on the outdoor decorations. White balloons were tied to flag poles and ribbons hung from the windows and a huge banner reading "Welcome Home Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire!" hung over the gate.
Gannondorf: What do you think?
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! It's beautiful! I love it!
Gannondorf: Really?
Impa: Of course! But we have to go inside the reception is starting soon.
The newly weds walked inside the fortress the main hall. The main hall was decorated with white roses, ribbons, and a huge buffet table with the five-layer wedding cake made by Cerena as the centerpiece. In the western end of the room, Gannondorf's throne had been replaced with a large stage. The Indigo-gos were providing the evening's music.
A few minutes later the guests began arriving, a few were still recovering from the pigeon attack. The band arrived and began to warm up with their song; The MM Credits!
The guests that came included several FF.net Zelda authors such as Chica; Tofu Ninja, Cerena Montauyu and her boyfriend the Skullkid, Dokoru, Galaxy Girl with her boyfriend Little Link of the Gorons, Blue Crescent Moon, and Sailor Zel and her boyfriend, Hikari of the Zoras. Also Angered Fairy and Princess of the Pixies came!
Little Later ~ Dining Hall of the Gerudo Fortress
Mido: Saria! Look at me! Look what I can do! (Mido's balancing a spoon on his nose.)
Saria: Very interesting. Good for you.
Link: Yes, yes, what a marvelous talent.
Mido: Bet ya you can't do it, Link.
Link: Bet ya I could.
Mido: Bet ya you couldn't.
Link: You're on!
Link picked up his spoon and balanced it on his nose.
Mido: I could do it longer than you!
Link: Can not!
Mido: Can too!
Link: Can not!
Mido: you're on!
10 minutes later ~
Mido sat perfectly still resisting the childish urge to move. Link was silent and staring down his nose at the spoon.
15 minutes later ~
Link: I'm hungry can we stop now?
Mido: No! I'm gonna prove I can do it longer than you!
Link sighed and took the spoon off his nose.
Link: There! You win. Yay for Mido.
Mido: YAY! I won! I am the spoon-balancing champion!
Link: Yah, whatever.
Mido: This victory feels hollow.
Other End of the rrreeeaaallllllyyy long table ~
LL: Do they have rocks?
GG: I'm sure they have rocks.
LL: Good! Rocks are yummy!
Sailor Zel: Hey? Does anybody know exactly what they're serving?
Hikari: Nope.
LL: As long as they have rocks I don't care!
Then several pirates dressed as waitresses came out and served streaming red soup to everyone.
Hikari: What is this?
Sailor Zel: Is it tomato?
GG: This Hyrule I don't think they have tomatoes.
LL: It's not rocks! I don't like it!
Hikari: Who's gonna taste it?
Cerena: Why don't you?
Sailor Zel: Hey! The other people are eating it! Ask them what it is!
GG: Um, excuse me, but what exactly are we eating?
Random Hylian Guest: The Red Soup.
GG: Yeah, but what's it made of?
Random Hylian Guest: A Like-Like's stomach, it's a delicacy in Termina. Watch out for somebody's bones in it though! Oh man, once I found a piece of clothing in mine!
Cerena: EWWW! I'll pass!
Sailor Zel: Me too.
GG: Me three.
LL: Hey! This isn't rocks! But it's good!
The authors tremble, Sailor Zel looks like she's about to hurl.
Princess of the Pixies: How can he eat that stuff?
Angered Fairy: I hope the main course isn't made of anybody's stomach.
Blue Crescent Moon: At least Cerena made the cake! We can always eat that!
Chica: True.
Luckily for the authors the main course was Roasted Surprise!
Sailor Zel: EWWW! I think it used to be a bombchu!
Cerena: Gross! Gross! It's a snapper!
GG: Good Goddesses! I don't even wanna know what this was!
Princess of the Pixies: I can't even eat this! It's a skullfish!
Chica: (poking it with her fork, her food trembles) I think it's still alive.
Angered Fairy: It could be a Deku Baba, but I'm not sure.
Blue Crescent Moon: It might be a dodongo, but then again…
Cassandra Jade: I think I'll just eat that toast I brought, thank you.
Ok, so unluckily for the authors it was Roasted Surprise, but there's always cake.
Little while later after dinner ~
Lulu (The Indigo-gos lead singer): Ok, the first dance of the evening goes to the lucky couple! Gannondorf and Impa!
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! They're playing our song!
: The Indigo-gos sing "You're Just Too Good to be True" :
Random Guest #1: AWWWW! They're so cute together!
Random Guest #2: The Gerudo King and his Shadow Sage!
Random Guest #3: Actually they look like the most mismatched couple ever.
Random Guests #1 & 2: Shut up! Someone remove him from the party!
Three Gerudo pirates appear and arrest Random Guest #3.
Gerudo Pirate #1: Alright, buddy!
Random Guest #3: But I was just speaking the truth!
Gerudo Pirate #2: Save it for someone who cares.
Random Guest #3: You can't do this! I plead the First!
Gerudo pirate #3: Where do you think you are? The United States of America? This is Hyrule, buddy! We don't have a constitution! And we don't give a crap about your freedom of speech!
Random Guest #3: #@$% democracy! Why can't it be founded in places where ya need it!
The pirates grabbed Random Guest #3 and threw him out.
Gerudo pirate #1: And don't come back!
The women dusted off their hands and walked back in the fortress.
Random Guest #3: The teachings of the Democrats must be brought to this enslaved land!
Two guests taking a walk on the lookout post, stare at him very ODDLY.
Inside the fortress ~
Lulu: To all the ladies out there this song's for you! So grab that special guy and come onto the dance floor!
The guests begin to pair off, Galaxy Girl and Little Link, Cerena and Dokoru, and Sailor Zel and Hikari.
Malon, Zelda, Saria, and Ruto lock eyes.
Ruto: Don't even think it! Any of you!
Malon: Screw you, Fish girl! He's mine!
Zelda: Not if I get to him first!
Saria; I'll beat ya all to him!
: Mission Impossible Music starts up :
Saria grabs Suki and winds up her wings like a wind-up toy. Suki's wings begin to spin like a tiny helicopter and Saria is lifted into the air.
Saria: So long suckers! To Link, Suki! Full speed ahead!
Malon: You're the sucker, Saria!
Malon performs three perfect cartwheels into the crowd. Following her cartwheels are four flips without stopping and somersaulting through a random guest's legs.
Other Random Guests: Oh! Ah! (applause)
Zelda: Showoffs! I'll get there first!
Zelda pulled the hookshot from her pocket and aimed for a wooden beam above Link.
Ruto: Yoink!
Ruto grabbed the hookshot and pulled herself up to the beam.
Zelda: CRAP! Oh I know!
Zelda got out the Ocarina of Time and played the Song of Soaring.
Link: Uh-oh! They're coming to get me! Um…uh…what to do!
Suddenly a very, very large woman bumped into Link, knocking him over.
Irene (Impa's 450 pound mother): Oh! Sorry dear! Are you all right?
The fat woman helped him to his feet. Link was dazed for a minute, it wasn't everyday he was knocked over by a woman whose sizes at the clothes shop were extra large, extra, extra large and oh my goddess it's coming towards us! Suddenly one of those once in a millennium events occurred. Link had an idea!
Link: (They can't dance with me if I'm already dancing!) Um Lady! My fault entirely! Allow me to apologize by dancing with you! Please! (Say yes! Say yes! Malon's almost here!)
Irene: Why! How nice of you! I'd love to dance with such a polite gentleman!
Link: (yeah! Yeah! Whatever!) Let's go!
Link grabbed Irene's cubby hand and went out on the dance floor. The four girls stopped dead in their tracks.
Ruto: He…he…he's dancing with the fat lady
Saria: Help! I can't get down!
Zelda: Crap.
Malon: There's always the next big social event.
The three girls walked over the chairs lining the wall while Saria and Suki are still stuck up in the air.
~~ Somewhere else in the room
Darunia sighed, the party was dark and boring to him. Watching all the couples dancing, even his son and his girlfriend, made him almost miss Doko Mono. He twiddled his thumbs and hummed the Simpsons Theme to pass the time.
Mysterious yet angelic voice (to a goron anyway): Excuse me? Is this the wedding of Darunia and Doko Mono?
Darunia: No…I'm not getting- DIRENIA!
Direnia: DARUNIA!
Darunia gazed at the female goron, with her big, empty, brown eyes, red lipstick and curly blond hair.
Little Link: MOMMY!
Darunia: You're back! You had me so worried after that day you disappeared without a trace while collecting rocks!
Direnia: Yes, well what happened was these Terminan guys said they wanted me to join their cult and I was like, cult! That's such a cool word! So they took me to Termina and made me queen! Being Queen was cool, but then I remembered I had my two favorite boys waiting for me at home! So I left!
Little Link: Mommy! You're back!
Direnia: Oh my Little LL! You've gotten so big! But you're still the little baby goron I remember! (Kisses his cheek)
Guests (all of them not just random ones): AWWWWW!
Link: This is so touching! (Wipes at a tear.)
Irene handed her dancing partner a tissue.
Direnia: Darunia?
Darunia: Hmmm?
Direnia: Wanna dance?
Darunia: Sure!
The happy goron couple went out onto the dance floor.
Darunia: Ouch! My foot!
Direnia: Sorry.
~~~~~ Later that evening (the party's toning down now)
Impa sat on a chair with Gannondorf standing beside her.
Impa: Thank you everybody!
Impa glanced at the pile of unwrapped wedding gifts. A microwave from Sailor Zel, a hot tub from Galaxy Girl, a toaster, a box of china, and a few other things.
Everybody: You're welcome!
Meanwhile ~
Link: Whew! I'll be safe from the girls down here! No one would look in the fortress basement!
Mysterious yet very HIGH voice: Oh Link?
Link goes rigid and breaks into a cold sweat.
Link: Who's there?
Mysterious, HIGH voice: You know who's there
Link: But! But! You got the car and the 5 million rupees why do you continue to torment me!?
Mysterious, HIGH voice: Um…uh…Because!
Link: Oh please! Oh goddesses! Please Navi! Relax! There are places where people…er…fairies like you can get help!
Mysterious HIGH voice: I've brought you a present, Link! Guess what it is?
Link: Mints?
Mysterious HIGH voice: You wish it were mints!
Link: Oh please! No! Not that! Anything but that!
Mysterious, HIGH voice: Yes Link! It's Sweet n' low!
Link: NOOOOOOO! (flees the basement)
Upstairs ~
Link: Navi's in the basement! And she's got sweet n' low!
Guests: AHHHHH! That's worst than pigeons!
Morpha: HAHAHA!
Guests: Huh?
Tia: Oh that was good! Did you see him run? He screams like a girl!
Sailor Zel: Tia!? Morpha?!
Tia & Morpha: Uh-oh. We can explain! We were playing a joke on Link! We swear it! We're sorry!
Sailor Zel: Ok, you're forgiven.
Tia & Morpha: YAY!
: KNOCK! KNOCK! :
Gerudo Pirate #1 (Yup, she's back): Someone is at the door.
Gannondorf: Let them in.
Gerudo Pirate #1: The dude says his name is Gordo, says you know him from prison.
Gannondorf: Let him in!
Gerudo Pirate #1: The King says let him in!
Gordo: Hey Gannondorf! Sorry, we couldn't make the wedding they wouldn't give us a free day from prison!
Impa: So how'd you get out?
Gordo: We beat the guards up and brought you guys a present!
A couple of other convicts pulled a covered chunk of wall into the main wall. Gordo grabbed the cloth and pulled it off.
Irene: OH MY GODDESSES! WHAT IN THE NAME OF DIN! (Faints)
Irene's giant body crashed onto the ground leaving a HUGE dent in the floor.
Morpha: Eeep.
Morpha turned a sickly shade of green and fainted.
Sheik: (coughing sounds)
Rini: AHH! There's something wrong with my boy! Somebody help him!
Darunia: I think he's choking.
Rini: Make him stop!
Link: Yes ma-am!
Link whacked Sheik, hard, and the piece of food lodged in his throat flew out of his mouth and collided with the hovering/dancing camera which sailed through the air and knocked Gannondorf unconscious.
Tia: Somebody stop the camera!
The camera continued to fly through the air until it took off the head off the candy groom. Gannondorf came too for a few minutes until that candy groom's head smacked him on the forehead knocking him out cold again.
Impa: Ganny-poo!
Gannondorf: Imppy-Wuvvy? Do you like the mural I painted of you?
Impa glanced at the mural in all its destructive glory!
Impa: Ganny-poo! It's a masterpiece! We'll hang it in the living room!
Gannondorf: You like?
Impa: I love! It's a wonderful picture! And you didn't forget the Shiekiah mark on my –
Sailor Zel and Galaxy Girl: Silence! Remember the rating!
Impa: Sorry.
Gannondorf: I'm sleepy.
Impa: Maybe it's time we went to bed and get some
Sailor Zel: Ahem…rating!
Impa: OK! And get some sleep! Some sleep!
Galaxy Girl: Much better.
Impa: Good night everyone! Thank you for coming!
Guests: Beautiful wedding! Congratulations!
Gannondorf: Thank you! Come again!
Impa: My poor Ganny-poo! You've your poor head one too many times today.
Gannondorf: True.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of chapter 1
~~~~~~~~~~~
R&R! Thank you!
~~~~~~~~~
By Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel
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Sailor Zel: Hey peeps! As you know GG and me are co-writing a fic! This is my part anyway I hope you enjoy it!
( ) – parentheses means someone is thinking
Disclaimer: Wonderful people own Zelda, we're not some of them. (Dang.)
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Temple of Time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tia: Jeez Morpha! Watch where you swing that thing!
Tia dodged before the hovering camera knocked her out of the air.
Morpha: Sorry, crap! I can't get this lens cap off!
Tia: Morpha, you don't have any arms to pull it off with
Morpha: Oh yeah…
~ Outside the Temple of Time
(Link is sitting outside on a fold-up chair, handing out programs.)
Link: Man, I deserve a better job! I was the guy's archenemy for crying out loud!
Then Cerena and the Skullkid, Dokoru, walked up the stairs.
Dokoru: Ha-ha! Link gets to work the doors! Teeheehee!
Link: Shut-up and take the program!
Dokoru grabbed the program and followed Cerena into the temple, only to run back out five seconds later.
Dokoru: Oh yeah, I forgot! I'm in the wedding and you're not! Teeheehee!
Dokoru then rushed back into the church.
Link: One of these days, I'm gonna kill that imp. Or at least seriously hurt him.
~~~ Inside the Temple
Nurse Kate: Don't worry, Mr. Dragmire, Rauru will behave himself and if not. Er…um… Stan and Bill can take care of it.
The two men, Stan and Bill, stood behind Nurse Kate armed with tranquilizer guns and nightsticks.
Stan: Never underestimate the actions of the insane.
Bill: We learned that lesson the hard way…remember?
Stan: Yup, patient number 60499, Windmill guy, Deranged.
Bill: That name, that name chills the bones of the sane.
Stan: Don't worry little bro; remember the Windmill Guy is locked away in the nuthouse with all the green ketchup he can eat.
Bill: But the memories! The memories! They still frighten me!
Stan patted his younger brother on the back, in hopes of comforting him. Suddenly Nurse Kate appeared, rolling Rauru along in his wheelchair. The old man sat quietly in his chair, sucking on a grape lollypop. Gannondorf glanced at the Sage of Light, then continued pacing.
Rauru: AWWW! How cute! Somebody's got the wedding day jitters!
Gannondorf: Rauru! Shut-up!
~~~~~~~~~~~ Temple Basement
Zelda: Impa! Ruto! Nabooru! Malon! Saria! The guests are almost here! The wedding march is about to start!
Nabooru: Zelda! Cool it! First of all, the wedding doesn't start until 11, and it's 10 o'clock. And finally, you're making a bigger fuss about this wedding than Impa is! And it's not even your wedding!
Zelda: I'm sorry! But! But! I don't like this! Impa's my nanny! She isn't supposed to love anyone but me!
Malon: That's just too selfish and childish to comment on.
Saria: So true.
Both Malon and Saria turned back and faced the mirror.
Ruto: Ah! This makes me so happy!
Zelda: What! What is it about this depressing occasion that has you all happy!
Ruto: Tonight at the reception! Impa will throw the bouquet!
Malon: And?
Ruto: I'm gonna catch it! And that'll mean I'm getting married next!
Nabooru: Yeah, but how do you know you're gonna marry Link? For all you know, you could be marrying the next idiot to jump off the Ikana Canyon Bluffs!
Ruto: DREAM-KILLER!
Saria: ok…
Impa: Good morning!
Saria: Morning, are ya nervous, Impa?
Impa: Nope! Not a bit! I'm marrying the love of my life! Why should I be nervous!
Zelda: Goddesses! It's almost 11 o'clock! I wonder if the assassins are in position-
Malon: Assassins?
Zelda gasped and shoved a bag of gold rupees into Malon's hand.
Zelda: You didn't hear anything!
Malon shrugged and walked into the other room. Zelda breathed a sigh of relief; her plot was safe or so she thought.
Malon: IMPA! ZELDA'S TRYING TO KILL YOUR FUTURE HUBBY!
Impa: ZELDA!
A few minutes later, several armed Hylian soldiers were escorting the assassins off the premises.
~ Back upstairs
The Happy Mask Man cracked his knuckles and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a giant pipe organ; he stumbled slightly beneath its weight before dropping it on the ground. After the pipe organ, he pulled out a bench, a Big Book of Musical Stuff by Some Dude, and then he set up then sheet music and lay his fingers on the ivory keys.
: The Simpsons Theme plays:
Gannondorf: That's not a wedding march!
Darunia: Oh! I love the Simpsons! (Starts humming the theme song)
Happy Mask Man: Whoops…sorry! The music's upside down! (Flips it right side up) There we go
: Wedding March plays:
Tia: Morpha, is the camera ready?
Morpha: Yup! Ready and rolling!
Tia: Good, cause here comes the bride!
Morpha moved the camera over to the door.
Morpha: Um? Is that similey face supposed to be in the center of the picture?
Tia: Huh? Oh my Goddesses!
Tia pressed a few buttons and the horrible similey covering the entire picture vanished.
Tia: Whew.
Morpha: Tia, you can turn "The Wedding of Gannondorf Dragmire and Impa Zappa on May 24, 200l" off now.
Tia: I can't!
Morpha: (looking through the camera manual) Ok, press the blue button.
Tia: Which blue button?
Morpha: What do ya mean "which blue button"?
Tia: Well, there are a couple of them!
Morpha: Uh…the one to your left!
Tia pressed the button and the tripod legs shot out of the hovering camera, knocking three unlucky guests out cold.
Morpha: Ok, wrong blue button. Try the other one.
Tia pressed the second blue button and the camera floated down to ground. Once it landed, life sprang into its metal joints of its tripod legs and it began to dance and sing all the greatest Beatles hits. Tia and Morpha backed away.
Tia: What kind of camera did you buy?
Morpha: I thought they were joking when the box said, "beware, some cameras do contain artificial intelligence and dance mechanisms".
Tia: Oy…
Morpha: Oh lookie here! It was the yellow button.
Tia floated down and pressed the yellow button; causing the camera to resume floating, stop dancing, and remove that no-good sign that had started the whole thing!
Rauru: AWWW! Looks like someone has no idea what they're doing!
Tia and Morpha: Shut up Rauru!
Morpha faced the camera to the doors as they opened. Saria entered first, being the flower girl, tossing little white flowers as she walked. (A guest is hit in the eye)
Random Guest: AHHHH! MY EYE! (Runs out of the church) I NEED MEDICAL AID!
Saria: Oops…(shrugs and keeps walking)
Dokoru, the Skullkid, came next, dressed in a tux, with the precious rings hidden away in his pocket. Malon, Ruto, and Nabooru were next, led by the maid of honor, Zelda (Minna-chan! Look! She's sweating! A lot!) And finally Impa, dressed in traditional bridal gown, being given away by her father, Bob. Morpha and Tia and the dancing camera followed Impa up the aisle.
: Clunk! :
Random Guest: Ouch!
Morpha & Tia: Sorry!
(The camera is shaken up momentarily.)
The bride finally reaches the alter and the march stops. (Luckily, by now Tia has corrected the camera problems.)
Rauru: * Ahem * Hello and good morning Hyrule! How's everybody feeling?
Audience: Just peachy…
Link: Peachy, indeed.
Rauru: Now, we're all gathered here in this musty, old temple to witness the two most unlikely people in the entire Zelda games, except for maybe the Goron Elder and Anju but that's another story, tie the knot! Now on with the wedding! (Flips through a bible with the Triforce symbol on the cover) Hmmm, that's not too important, can skip that, do I really need to say that? Why no! Ok, Ahem, do you, Gannondorf Dragmire, take this woman, Impa Zappa, to be your lawfully or is that awfully? I like awfully! Awfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in healthness, richness or poorness, whether she be obese or anorectic, young or old, beautiful as the day or as ugly as…insert something very, very unpleasant to look upon here, a bad cook or a good cook, drinks out of the carton or uses your toothbrush without permission or…
Nurse Kate: Ahem!
Rauru: Shhh! Um, oh crap! Lost my place! Oh here it is! Ahem, whether she hogs the covers or likes the watch the Nightly Business Report, till Death do you part?
Gannondorf: I do.
Rauru: Cool. And do you, Impa Zappa, take this man, Gannondorf Dragmire, to be your awfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, in sickness and in healthness, richness or poorness, filthiness or neatness, King of Evil or King of Hippies, human or a goat/pig/dinosaur thingy, tolerable or down right annoying, stinky or sweet-smelling, whether he likes to watch Third Rock from the Sun or Friends, enjoys reading Shakespeare or rewriting Shakespeare and…um…till death do you part?
Impa: I do! With all my heart, I do!
Gannondorf: Oh Impa!
Impa: Oh Gannondorf!
(Both start making out, very passionately.)
Audience: EWWWWW…
Rauru: HEY! I didn't say, "kiss the bride" yet! Nurse Candy! My cane please!
Rauru grabbed the cane and began to poke Gannondorf very, very weakly with it.
Tia: Um…we're running out of film here.
The Happy Mask Man snatched the cane from Rauru's hands.
Happy Mask Man: You're not hitting him hard enough! Like this!
The Happy Mask Man whacked Gannondorf over the head. Gannondorf's eyes rolled back into his head and he keeled over, unconscious
Impa: GANNY-POO!
Happy Mask Man: Whoops…
Rauru: Nurse Candy!
Nurse Kate: It's Nurse Kate.
Rauru: Who cares! That mean and nasty Happy Mask Man stole my cane and busted it over Gannondorf's head!
Impa: Ganny-poo! Lovey! Speak to me!
Link: That's just peachy!
Impa: Shut up, Link! You're just being surly because you only got to hand out programs!
Link: I was being surly?! You accuse me of surliness! All I said was "That's just peachy!" in a semi-surly tone!
Zelda: Nobody cares! The groom's unconscious! This is absolutely fantastic!
Malon: Huh?
Zelda: Nevermind.
Gannondorf: Impy-Wuvy?
Impa: Ganny-poo! You're awake!
Zelda: (under her breath) crap.
Gannondorf: It's you, isn't it?
Impa: Who?
Zelda: What?
Audience: We're confused…
Link: Who? Me?
Gannondorf: Yes! You Link! You are deliberately trying to ruin my wedding!
Link: I am? I thought Zelda-
Audience: He is?
Gannondorf: Yes! You are! And I can't allow that! (The Triforce symbol on his hand lights up.)
Impa: Oh-no.
Audience: Uh-oh.
Link: Oh crap.
Gannondorf transforms into GANON waving his many swords! (The pig/goat/dinosaur thingy!)
Audience: Gasp! (or inhales sharply)
Sailor Zel: Sailor Barrier!
A protective field of energy surrounds the Audience.
Audience: Whew! (or exhales that sharply inhaled air)
Link: Whew! I'm safe!
Suddenly Link realized he was on the outside of the barrier.
Link: Uh-oh! Sailor Zel! Quick! Let me in! I wanna be in the barrier too!
Sailor Zel: Oops…
Link: Oh crap! I must flee!
Link ran around in mad circles as GANON watched and got dizzier and dizzier. GANON blinked and shook his head. Link got tired and had to rest.
Link: Running is hard! Either that or I'm out of shape!
GANON advanced towards Link, trapping him between GANON and the wall.
Link: Mommy.
Sheik: (the REAL one) Sorry, Mom couldn't find her medication, are we late? Oh hi Link! How's life treatin ya?
Link: Not so good.
GANON came closer, his swords flashing.
Rini: (Impa's twisted sister and Sheik's mommy!) SHEIK! Where the %$#* are you?
Sheik: Here, mum.
Rini: Good! Let's sit down and get this &%$* wedding over!
Rini crossed her arms over her chest and walked towards the seats.
: Clunk! :
Rini: What the $%#* is this &$%@ force field doing here!
Audience: It's protecting us from GANON!
Rini: Well la dee da! I guess I'm not worthy of being inside the force field so I'll be going but first…IMPA! Where the jerk I came all this way to see you marry!
Impa: Rini please! Rini this is my fiancé, Gannondorf Dragmire.
Rini glanced at GANON.
Rini: Oh Impa, Impa, Impa, you could do better! I mean look at him! You could have at least picked a cute one!
Impa: Rini shut up.
Rini: Yuck! Even Sheik's daddy wasn't that ugly!
Impa: Shut up, I said!
Rini: EWWW! He stinks too!
Impa: SHUT UP! RINI! At least I didn't have a crush on the Deranged Windmill guy in grade school!
Audience: GASP!
Rini: I…I…I didn't!
Impa: Yes you did! And I quote, "It's his charm, his sweet, insane ways that attract me." That's exactly what you said! Word for word!
Rini: Impa! I…I…I hate you! (bursts into tears and runs out of the church)
Tia: Oh poop!
Morpha: What?
Tia: We're out of film!
Morpha: Poop indeed.
Tia: Hang on! Pause the wedding! I gotta get more film!
Tia flew off and the fic was put into pause mode, which is something like this.
(PPPPPPAAAAAAUUUUUUSSSSSSEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!! (Breath) PPPPPPAAAAAAUUUUUUSSSSSSEEEEEEDDDDDD!!!!!!!)
Tia: Ok! I'm back!
Malon: Can we please finish the wedding! These high heels are killing my feet!
GANON promptly transformed back into Gannondorf and scurried back up the aisle to the altar. Sailor Zel took her Sailor Barrier down.
Rauru: Ok where were we?
Impa: I had just said I do.
Rauru: Oh, ok, found my place!
By the power vested in me by my yummy grape lollipop I now pronounce you man and wife! You may kiss the bride now.
They kiss, and the wedding march starts up again.
Audience: YAY!
Link: I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. Oh crap, I'm gonna cry. (Cries.)
The audience and wedding party goes outside and throws rice as the bride and groom come out. Then a dark shadow crosses over the happy party.
Audience: Huh?
Dark shadow: Coo! Coo!
Random Guest: AHHHH! PIGEONS!
Audience: AHHHH!
Pigeons swooped down on the party pecking up the rice that had landed on people's clothes, hair, and shoes.
Random Guest #1: AHHHH! They're pecking at my tie!
Random Guest #2: Be gone filthy disease carrying birds!
Random Guest #3: AHHH! One stole my hat!
Link: Quick! Everyone flee the army of pigeons!
The wedding party fled to cars, horses, and author's clouds. Gannondorf picked up his bride and ran to the limousine with the "Just Married" sign. The guests sped away on their sources of transportation and the army of pigeons broke up.
Gerudo Fortress ~ Later
The limousine pulled up in front of the Gerudo Fortress and Gannondorf stepped out and admired the fortress. The pirates were putting the finishing touches on the outdoor decorations. White balloons were tied to flag poles and ribbons hung from the windows and a huge banner reading "Welcome Home Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire!" hung over the gate.
Gannondorf: What do you think?
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! It's beautiful! I love it!
Gannondorf: Really?
Impa: Of course! But we have to go inside the reception is starting soon.
The newly weds walked inside the fortress the main hall. The main hall was decorated with white roses, ribbons, and a huge buffet table with the five-layer wedding cake made by Cerena as the centerpiece. In the western end of the room, Gannondorf's throne had been replaced with a large stage. The Indigo-gos were providing the evening's music.
A few minutes later the guests began arriving, a few were still recovering from the pigeon attack. The band arrived and began to warm up with their song; The MM Credits!
The guests that came included several FF.net Zelda authors such as Chica; Tofu Ninja, Cerena Montauyu and her boyfriend the Skullkid, Dokoru, Galaxy Girl with her boyfriend Little Link of the Gorons, Blue Crescent Moon, and Sailor Zel and her boyfriend, Hikari of the Zoras. Also Angered Fairy and Princess of the Pixies came!
Little Later ~ Dining Hall of the Gerudo Fortress
Mido: Saria! Look at me! Look what I can do! (Mido's balancing a spoon on his nose.)
Saria: Very interesting. Good for you.
Link: Yes, yes, what a marvelous talent.
Mido: Bet ya you can't do it, Link.
Link: Bet ya I could.
Mido: Bet ya you couldn't.
Link: You're on!
Link picked up his spoon and balanced it on his nose.
Mido: I could do it longer than you!
Link: Can not!
Mido: Can too!
Link: Can not!
Mido: you're on!
10 minutes later ~
Mido sat perfectly still resisting the childish urge to move. Link was silent and staring down his nose at the spoon.
15 minutes later ~
Link: I'm hungry can we stop now?
Mido: No! I'm gonna prove I can do it longer than you!
Link sighed and took the spoon off his nose.
Link: There! You win. Yay for Mido.
Mido: YAY! I won! I am the spoon-balancing champion!
Link: Yah, whatever.
Mido: This victory feels hollow.
Other End of the rrreeeaaallllllyyy long table ~
LL: Do they have rocks?
GG: I'm sure they have rocks.
LL: Good! Rocks are yummy!
Sailor Zel: Hey? Does anybody know exactly what they're serving?
Hikari: Nope.
LL: As long as they have rocks I don't care!
Then several pirates dressed as waitresses came out and served streaming red soup to everyone.
Hikari: What is this?
Sailor Zel: Is it tomato?
GG: This Hyrule I don't think they have tomatoes.
LL: It's not rocks! I don't like it!
Hikari: Who's gonna taste it?
Cerena: Why don't you?
Sailor Zel: Hey! The other people are eating it! Ask them what it is!
GG: Um, excuse me, but what exactly are we eating?
Random Hylian Guest: The Red Soup.
GG: Yeah, but what's it made of?
Random Hylian Guest: A Like-Like's stomach, it's a delicacy in Termina. Watch out for somebody's bones in it though! Oh man, once I found a piece of clothing in mine!
Cerena: EWWW! I'll pass!
Sailor Zel: Me too.
GG: Me three.
LL: Hey! This isn't rocks! But it's good!
The authors tremble, Sailor Zel looks like she's about to hurl.
Princess of the Pixies: How can he eat that stuff?
Angered Fairy: I hope the main course isn't made of anybody's stomach.
Blue Crescent Moon: At least Cerena made the cake! We can always eat that!
Chica: True.
Luckily for the authors the main course was Roasted Surprise!
Sailor Zel: EWWW! I think it used to be a bombchu!
Cerena: Gross! Gross! It's a snapper!
GG: Good Goddesses! I don't even wanna know what this was!
Princess of the Pixies: I can't even eat this! It's a skullfish!
Chica: (poking it with her fork, her food trembles) I think it's still alive.
Angered Fairy: It could be a Deku Baba, but I'm not sure.
Blue Crescent Moon: It might be a dodongo, but then again…
Cassandra Jade: I think I'll just eat that toast I brought, thank you.
Ok, so unluckily for the authors it was Roasted Surprise, but there's always cake.
Little while later after dinner ~
Lulu (The Indigo-gos lead singer): Ok, the first dance of the evening goes to the lucky couple! Gannondorf and Impa!
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! They're playing our song!
: The Indigo-gos sing "You're Just Too Good to be True" :
Random Guest #1: AWWWW! They're so cute together!
Random Guest #2: The Gerudo King and his Shadow Sage!
Random Guest #3: Actually they look like the most mismatched couple ever.
Random Guests #1 & 2: Shut up! Someone remove him from the party!
Three Gerudo pirates appear and arrest Random Guest #3.
Gerudo Pirate #1: Alright, buddy!
Random Guest #3: But I was just speaking the truth!
Gerudo Pirate #2: Save it for someone who cares.
Random Guest #3: You can't do this! I plead the First!
Gerudo pirate #3: Where do you think you are? The United States of America? This is Hyrule, buddy! We don't have a constitution! And we don't give a crap about your freedom of speech!
Random Guest #3: #@$% democracy! Why can't it be founded in places where ya need it!
The pirates grabbed Random Guest #3 and threw him out.
Gerudo pirate #1: And don't come back!
The women dusted off their hands and walked back in the fortress.
Random Guest #3: The teachings of the Democrats must be brought to this enslaved land!
Two guests taking a walk on the lookout post, stare at him very ODDLY.
Inside the fortress ~
Lulu: To all the ladies out there this song's for you! So grab that special guy and come onto the dance floor!
The guests begin to pair off, Galaxy Girl and Little Link, Cerena and Dokoru, and Sailor Zel and Hikari.
Malon, Zelda, Saria, and Ruto lock eyes.
Ruto: Don't even think it! Any of you!
Malon: Screw you, Fish girl! He's mine!
Zelda: Not if I get to him first!
Saria; I'll beat ya all to him!
: Mission Impossible Music starts up :
Saria grabs Suki and winds up her wings like a wind-up toy. Suki's wings begin to spin like a tiny helicopter and Saria is lifted into the air.
Saria: So long suckers! To Link, Suki! Full speed ahead!
Malon: You're the sucker, Saria!
Malon performs three perfect cartwheels into the crowd. Following her cartwheels are four flips without stopping and somersaulting through a random guest's legs.
Other Random Guests: Oh! Ah! (applause)
Zelda: Showoffs! I'll get there first!
Zelda pulled the hookshot from her pocket and aimed for a wooden beam above Link.
Ruto: Yoink!
Ruto grabbed the hookshot and pulled herself up to the beam.
Zelda: CRAP! Oh I know!
Zelda got out the Ocarina of Time and played the Song of Soaring.
Link: Uh-oh! They're coming to get me! Um…uh…what to do!
Suddenly a very, very large woman bumped into Link, knocking him over.
Irene (Impa's 450 pound mother): Oh! Sorry dear! Are you all right?
The fat woman helped him to his feet. Link was dazed for a minute, it wasn't everyday he was knocked over by a woman whose sizes at the clothes shop were extra large, extra, extra large and oh my goddess it's coming towards us! Suddenly one of those once in a millennium events occurred. Link had an idea!
Link: (They can't dance with me if I'm already dancing!) Um Lady! My fault entirely! Allow me to apologize by dancing with you! Please! (Say yes! Say yes! Malon's almost here!)
Irene: Why! How nice of you! I'd love to dance with such a polite gentleman!
Link: (yeah! Yeah! Whatever!) Let's go!
Link grabbed Irene's cubby hand and went out on the dance floor. The four girls stopped dead in their tracks.
Ruto: He…he…he's dancing with the fat lady
Saria: Help! I can't get down!
Zelda: Crap.
Malon: There's always the next big social event.
The three girls walked over the chairs lining the wall while Saria and Suki are still stuck up in the air.
~~ Somewhere else in the room
Darunia sighed, the party was dark and boring to him. Watching all the couples dancing, even his son and his girlfriend, made him almost miss Doko Mono. He twiddled his thumbs and hummed the Simpsons Theme to pass the time.
Mysterious yet angelic voice (to a goron anyway): Excuse me? Is this the wedding of Darunia and Doko Mono?
Darunia: No…I'm not getting- DIRENIA!
Direnia: DARUNIA!
Darunia gazed at the female goron, with her big, empty, brown eyes, red lipstick and curly blond hair.
Little Link: MOMMY!
Darunia: You're back! You had me so worried after that day you disappeared without a trace while collecting rocks!
Direnia: Yes, well what happened was these Terminan guys said they wanted me to join their cult and I was like, cult! That's such a cool word! So they took me to Termina and made me queen! Being Queen was cool, but then I remembered I had my two favorite boys waiting for me at home! So I left!
Little Link: Mommy! You're back!
Direnia: Oh my Little LL! You've gotten so big! But you're still the little baby goron I remember! (Kisses his cheek)
Guests (all of them not just random ones): AWWWWW!
Link: This is so touching! (Wipes at a tear.)
Irene handed her dancing partner a tissue.
Direnia: Darunia?
Darunia: Hmmm?
Direnia: Wanna dance?
Darunia: Sure!
The happy goron couple went out onto the dance floor.
Darunia: Ouch! My foot!
Direnia: Sorry.
~~~~~ Later that evening (the party's toning down now)
Impa sat on a chair with Gannondorf standing beside her.
Impa: Thank you everybody!
Impa glanced at the pile of unwrapped wedding gifts. A microwave from Sailor Zel, a hot tub from Galaxy Girl, a toaster, a box of china, and a few other things.
Everybody: You're welcome!
Meanwhile ~
Link: Whew! I'll be safe from the girls down here! No one would look in the fortress basement!
Mysterious yet very HIGH voice: Oh Link?
Link goes rigid and breaks into a cold sweat.
Link: Who's there?
Mysterious, HIGH voice: You know who's there
Link: But! But! You got the car and the 5 million rupees why do you continue to torment me!?
Mysterious, HIGH voice: Um…uh…Because!
Link: Oh please! Oh goddesses! Please Navi! Relax! There are places where people…er…fairies like you can get help!
Mysterious HIGH voice: I've brought you a present, Link! Guess what it is?
Link: Mints?
Mysterious HIGH voice: You wish it were mints!
Link: Oh please! No! Not that! Anything but that!
Mysterious, HIGH voice: Yes Link! It's Sweet n' low!
Link: NOOOOOOO! (flees the basement)
Upstairs ~
Link: Navi's in the basement! And she's got sweet n' low!
Guests: AHHHHH! That's worst than pigeons!
Morpha: HAHAHA!
Guests: Huh?
Tia: Oh that was good! Did you see him run? He screams like a girl!
Sailor Zel: Tia!? Morpha?!
Tia & Morpha: Uh-oh. We can explain! We were playing a joke on Link! We swear it! We're sorry!
Sailor Zel: Ok, you're forgiven.
Tia & Morpha: YAY!
: KNOCK! KNOCK! :
Gerudo Pirate #1 (Yup, she's back): Someone is at the door.
Gannondorf: Let them in.
Gerudo Pirate #1: The dude says his name is Gordo, says you know him from prison.
Gannondorf: Let him in!
Gerudo Pirate #1: The King says let him in!
Gordo: Hey Gannondorf! Sorry, we couldn't make the wedding they wouldn't give us a free day from prison!
Impa: So how'd you get out?
Gordo: We beat the guards up and brought you guys a present!
A couple of other convicts pulled a covered chunk of wall into the main wall. Gordo grabbed the cloth and pulled it off.
Irene: OH MY GODDESSES! WHAT IN THE NAME OF DIN! (Faints)
Irene's giant body crashed onto the ground leaving a HUGE dent in the floor.
Morpha: Eeep.
Morpha turned a sickly shade of green and fainted.
Sheik: (coughing sounds)
Rini: AHH! There's something wrong with my boy! Somebody help him!
Darunia: I think he's choking.
Rini: Make him stop!
Link: Yes ma-am!
Link whacked Sheik, hard, and the piece of food lodged in his throat flew out of his mouth and collided with the hovering/dancing camera which sailed through the air and knocked Gannondorf unconscious.
Tia: Somebody stop the camera!
The camera continued to fly through the air until it took off the head off the candy groom. Gannondorf came too for a few minutes until that candy groom's head smacked him on the forehead knocking him out cold again.
Impa: Ganny-poo!
Gannondorf: Imppy-Wuvvy? Do you like the mural I painted of you?
Impa glanced at the mural in all its destructive glory!
Impa: Ganny-poo! It's a masterpiece! We'll hang it in the living room!
Gannondorf: You like?
Impa: I love! It's a wonderful picture! And you didn't forget the Shiekiah mark on my –
Sailor Zel and Galaxy Girl: Silence! Remember the rating!
Impa: Sorry.
Gannondorf: I'm sleepy.
Impa: Maybe it's time we went to bed and get some
Sailor Zel: Ahem…rating!
Impa: OK! And get some sleep! Some sleep!
Galaxy Girl: Much better.
Impa: Good night everyone! Thank you for coming!
Guests: Beautiful wedding! Congratulations!
Gannondorf: Thank you! Come again!
Impa: My poor Ganny-poo! You've your poor head one too many times today.
Gannondorf: True.
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End of chapter 1
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R&R! Thank you!