So I Married An Evil King?
By Zel and Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER THREE: The Ultra-Clean Honeymoon Chapter! Part One
A/N: We, the authors of So I Married An Evil King, do solemnly affirm that there will be no dirty stuff or "smut" in these two honeymoon chapters. After all, in the words of Krusty the Klown...
"Comedy isn't stuff that is dirty! It's stuff that SOUNDS dirty. Like mukluk!"
| | = a character's thoughts.
Impa smiled and set the picture back on the mantle. "Oh, we had such a beautiful wedding!"
"I know..." Ganondorf grinned. "But I think the honeymoon was even better!"
Impa gasped. "GANON!"
"What?" he said.
"Well... I guess you're partially right. The honeymoon WAS pretty nice..."
Ganondorf snorted. "I'm never going on another honeymoon as long as I live."
(flashback noises)
DOOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Scene: Gerudo/Groovy Valley, the day after the wedding. The Gerudos have all gathered out in front of the fortress to say goodbye to their king and his newly married queen, as they leave for their honeymoon in Maui!)
Ganondorf: Thanks again you guys, for letting us go on our honeymoon in peace.
Random Gerudo 1: Well, it's the least we could do.
Random Gerudo 2: That's right. We've lived without you for a while, we can last a week.
Nabooru: (slyly) So... Ganondorf... WHO'S IN CHARGE?
All Gerudos: YEAH! YEAH! WHO'S IN CHARGE?
Ganondorf: (obviously uncomfortable) Uh... Uh... why does anyone have to be in charge? Why can't everyone just watch out for themselves?
Random Gerudo 3: (snorts) Hmmph. We'll remember you said that when you come back.
Ganondorf: (turns purple) Uh... Uh...
Random Gerudo 1: (whispers to a group of Gerudos) Boy, he sure has lost his leader-like attitude since he met Impa...
Random Gerudo 4: Yeah, he's turned into a big wuss!
Ganondorf: HAVE NOT!
Random Gerudo 2: Yes huh.
Ganondorf: NO!
Nabooru: (walks towards Ganondorf) Yeah, you guys. Come on, he's not all soft!
(Nabooru pokes him in the stomach, and he whimpers and starts crying.)
Ganondorf: OW! NABOORU, THAT HURT!
(The Gerudos all raise their eyebrows.)
Nabooru: | Yeah, Ganondorf... King of Evil. Whatever happened to that? King of Fluff is more like it! |
Ganondorf: |Yo Nabooru, I can read thoughts, remember? |
Nabooru: | Oops... |
Ganondorf: (sniffles, changes the subject) Hey, where is Impa, anyway? Our ride is supposed to be here any minute!
Random Gerudo 3: I saw her inside, packing about an hour ago.
(Impa runs out of the fortress, dragging a definitely overstuffed suitcase.)
Impa: Here I am, sweetie!
Ganondorf: Ah, good.
(He kisses her on the cheek)
Impa: Thank you for last night...
(Suddenly, Zel and GG poke their heads out of random windows in the fortress.)
GG: (screaming) HEY! None of that!
Zel: REMEMBER THE RAAAATING!
Impa: (turns red) Uh... I mean... Thank you for last night, sweetie... It was really nice of you to uh... uh... help me pack my suitcase!
Ganondorf: (blushes) Uh, yeah... it was no trouble at all! Uh...
GG: That's better.
Zel: Watch it, you two!
(They disappear)
Impa: (grumbling)
Ganondorf: Hey! Look! Here comes our romantic ride to Maui!
Impa: A LIMO?
Ganondorf: No.
Impa: A JET??!?!?
Ganondorf: (grinning) No...
Impa: WHAT IS IT?
Ganondorf: The ancient Gerudo honeymoon tradition!
Impa: What?
Ganondorf: A CAMEL!
Impa: A CAMEL?
(A fat guy leading a camel rides into the fortress. The camel is all dressed up nicely, and it has a sign painted on its butt that reads "Just Married!")
Ganondorf: Hey, you're late!
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Sorry, he decided to stop at a bush just past Zora's Domain.
Ganondorf: And now, my queen, I help you onto our ride and we ride to MAUI!
Impa: (crossing arms, looking mad) I hate camels!
Ganondorf: Huh? Why? What do Sheikahs ride off to their honeymoons on?
Impa: My mom Irene and my dad Bob rode to their honeymoon in a limo!
Ganondorf: A LIMO? That is like, SO cliché!
Impa: (sighs) Whatever. Come on sweetie, help me up!
(Ganondorf is about to help her onto the camel, when the fat guy steps forward)
Fat Guy W/ Camel: AHEM!
Ganondorf: What?
Fat Guy W/ Camel: That'll be 250 Rupees.
Ganondorf: 250 RUPEES?! I could BUY a camel for that much!
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Hey, I gotta keep a livin', ya know?
Ganondorf: Fine. But that's the LAST time I use Slimy Pete's Honeymoon Camel Rental!
(He shells out a gold and a purple Rupee and the Fat Guy counts it carefully. Then he grins.)
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Thank you, and have a great time doin'...
(A tin can hits him in the head. He looks up, to see Zel and GG on top of the fortress.)
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Uh, have a great time doin' the honeymoon thing!
(The Fat Guy walks away, and Ganondorf motions to the camel)
Ganondorf: Shall we, my dear?
Impa: We shall!
(He holds his hands together for her to step on, and she steps up.)
Ganondorf: (screams, moves hands away) AAAH! OWWW!
Impa: WHOAAA! (slips off camel and hit the ground.)
Ganondorf: OWWWOOOOWWW! You never said you were going to wear your Razor brand Sheikah stiletto heels!
Impa: OWWW! OWWW! Sorry!
(She stands up, takes off her heels, and pitches them away.)
(At that second, Al, the guy who was hit with a flower at the wedding, is walking by the fortress.)
Al: Ow... stupid flower! AHA! Finally! I got it out of my eye!
(A stiletto heel flies out of nowhere and smacks him in the head)
Al: OWWW!
(He picks up the shoe off of the ground.)
Al: Hmm. Well, at least it didn't hit me in the face.
(The other shoe comes flying towards him. More specifically, his face.)
Al: Uh oh...
WHAM!
(Impa shrugs and gets back up onto the camel.)
Impa: Come on, honey! Let's not take all day!
Ganondorf: Coming, dear!
(He hops up onto the camel right behind Impa.)
Impa: OK, we're both up on the camel, and now... WE CAN LEAVE!
Ganondorf: Goodbye, everyone! We'll see you later!
Gerudos: BYE GANONDORF! BYE IMPA!
(The happy couple ride away on the camel, the tin cans hanging off of its rear end jangling on the ground.)
Nabooru: (waits until they are out of hearing range, and...) GOODBYE RULES! ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY!
Gerudos: YES! YEAAAAAAAAAAH! ANAR-CHY!
All: (chanting) ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY!
(Scene: Hyrule Field. Ganondorf and Impa are riding off to Maui.)
Ganondorf: We finally got married, sweetheart.
Impa: I know! Three months ago, I never would have believed that you were my soul mate! I hated your guts!
Ganondorf: I know...
(He rubs a big bruise on his stomach)
Impa: I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you, darling.
Ganondorf: Even locking me in the Evil Realm?
Impa: Even that.
Ganondorf: Ah, I'm joking. You guys thought you were so cool, with your big perfect seal... HA! Nothing a little sulfuric acid and some Sweet N' Low won't fix!
Impa: Heh heh heh.
Ganondorf: Hey, I just realized something!
Impa: What?
Ganondorf: I don't even know where Maui is!
Impa: Oh. Well, why don't you check that sign over there?
Ganondorf: (whispering) Honey, this is Hyrule. I'm sure Maui isn't in Hyrule...
Impa: No, I sense it. Just check that sign.
Ganondorf: (sighs) All RIIIIIGHT, I'll check the sign.
(He hops off the camel and goes to check the sign.)
Ganondorf: (reading off sign)
"Hyrule Castle- 1 mile
Lon-Lon Ranch- 1/2 mile
Kokiri Forest- 2 miles
Goron City- 3 1/2 miles
Kakariko Village- 3 miles
Maui- 30 miles to the south"
(He suddenly realizes what he has just read.)
Ganondorf: Maui, 30 miles to the SOUTH?
Impa: I TOOOOOLD YOU!
(Ganondorf hops back on the horse)
Ganondorf: Well, let's go to our honeymoon suite in Maui, and...
(A rock flies out of a tree and hits him in the head)
Ganondorf: OOOF! Uh... I mean... Let's go to our honeymoon suite and bake a cake!
Impa: (slowly) Yes, let's... go to Maui and bake a cake, honey!
Ganondorf: Only a couple of hours and a LOOOOOOOOT of bumpy camel riding to go!
~*~*~*~*~* A COUPLE OF HOURS AND A LOOOOOOOOT OF BUMPY CAMEL RIDING LATER... *~*~*~*~*~
(Scene: A beach in MAUI! The happy couple ride up to the hotel)
Impa: Oh Ganondorf! This is WONDERFUL! How ever did you afford it?
Ganondorf: Well...
(brief flashback. Ganondorf is holding some guy by the throat and screaming right next to a reception desk)
Ganondorf: YOU GIVE ME RESERVATIONS FOR TWO IN YOUR NICEST HONEYMOON SUITE RIGHT THIS INSTANT, OR I'LL BREAK YOUR %&^$&#* NECK!
Man: (in squeaky voice) Yes sir!
Ganondorf: AND I WANT TOWELS FOLDED IN A DIFFERENT ORIGAMI SHAPE EVERY DAY!
Man: (in squeaky voice) Yes sir!
Ganondorf: AND THOSE DELICIOUS LITTLE CHOCOLATE MINTS ON THE PILLOWS EVERY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!
Man: (getting squeakier) yes sir...
Ganondorf: AND OUR OWN PRIVATE HOT TUB ON THE BALCONY! AND A FIREWORKS SHOW THE FIRST NIGHT THAT SAYS "GANNY-POO LOVES IMPY-WUVVY"!
Man: ...
Ganondorf: AND A PASS TO EVERY SINGLE FANCY RESTAURANT IN THE CITY!
Man: ...
Ganondorf: (suddenly calm) Did you get all that?
Man: (raspy) Sir, I can't breathe...
Ganondorf: Oops. (sets the guy down and brushes him off) Thank you, have a nice day!
(end of flashback)
Ganondorf: Uh, I've been saving money for my honeymoon since I was three.
Impa: REALLY? That's so sweet! Oh Ganny-Poo, this is wonderful! Thank you so much!
(They ride up to the valet parking lot and Ganondorf helps Impa off of the camel. A teenager in a red suit runs up to them.)
Valet Teen: Hello Sir and Madame! Welcome to Hotel La Smooché! I am the valet boy, may I park your...
(He sees the couple's ride)
Valet Teen: (shocked) ... camel?
Ganondorf: Yes, please.
Valet Teen: ...
Impa: Park it near the window, and give him lots of food, OK?
Valet Teen: (pale) Uh... sure.
Ganondorf: (hands the valet teen a gold Rupee) Thank you, my good man! Go buy yourself something nice!
Valet Teen: (gasps at the Rupee, and salutes Ganondorf) YES SIR! Your camel will be in good hands!
(Ganondorf and Impa grab their bags, and they leave the valet teen to the camel. The teen tries to lead the camel away, but the camel spits at him. We last see the valet teen attempting to yank the camel along, but the camel decides to stay put.)
(Ganondorf and Impa enter the hotel's lobby, and they approach the desk. At the reception desk is the same man from Ganondorf's flashback)
Man: Hello, welcome to... AAAGGGGGHHHH!
Impa: AGGGGHHH? What the...
(The guy turns pale and runs into the back room)
Impa: (confused) Ganondorf, what's wrong with that guy?
Ganondorf: | Uh oh... |
Impa: Why was he running like that?
Ganondorf: |Come on big boy... think of something... | He must have had to go to the bathroom, Impa.
Impa: Oh. |Oh man! I KNEW that he beat someone up for this hotel room! |
(another receptionist walks into the desk and bows)
Receptionist: Hello Sir, Madame. Welcome to Hotel La Smooché, the honeymooner's dream hotel! Do you have a reservation?
Impa: We do.
Ganondorf: It should be under "Dragmire".
(The receptionist checks the reservation book and smiles)
Receptionist: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire. You're upstairs in the Honeymoon Suite.
Ganondorf: Thank you, my good man! (He hands him another gold Rupee) Go buy yourself something nice.
(The guy grins. Ganondorf digs out another gold Rupee and hands it to him.)
Ganondorf: Oh, and give this one to that fellow back there hiding in the garbage can.
(The receptionist tosses the Rupee into the garbage can, and a pair of eyes stick out.)
Man in Garbage: Thank you, sir!
Ganondorf: Come on Impa, let's go upstairs to our room and...
(Zel and GG step out of an elevator. They both clear their throats)
Ganondorf: And... check out the balcony!
Impa: Oh yes, that's a good idea!
(Zel and GG nod appreciatively and step back into the elevator.)
(The couple hops another elevator to the top floor and goes to the room with the big red heart on the door. They can hear a TV set on inside the room.)
Impa: Hey! Do you hear that, pumpkin?
Ganondorf: OOOOH! SURROUND SOUND!
Impa: No, sweetie! Someone's in our room!
Ganondorf: Huh? THAT LITTLE RECEPTIONIST PUNK! I'LL POUND HIM!
Impa: Now, now let's knock on the door and calmly explain that we had reservations to this room.
Ganondorf: Uh... yeah, that works too.
(Impa knocks on the door. A pair of raspy voices answers)
Voices: Yes? Who is it?
Ganondorf: Pardon me, Sir or Madame, but this is our room!
Impa: We had reservations. And you... uh... are in them.
Voices: Just a second, please.
(The door opens and Ganondorf screams)
Ganondorf: MOTHER! MOTHER!
(Twinrova opens the door. Koume and Kotake are staring at them.)
Koume: Ganondorf! What are YOU doing in the honeymoon suite?
Ganondorf: No, mom. What are YOU doing in the honeymoon suite?
(The Lake Scientist steps out into the doorway. As you know, Twinrova recently married the Lake Scientist)
Lake Scientist: What's going on, dear? Dear?
Ganondorf: AAAAGGGH! MOM! MOM! You didn't!
Kotake: You mean you didn't tell him, Koume?
Koume: I thought YOU told him, Kotake!
Kotake: Uh... Ganondorf honey, this is your new step-daddy. The Lake Scientist.
Lake Scientist: HIYEEEEE!
Ganondorf: (screams, falls over on floor) MOM! Why didn't you tell me you were getting married?
Koume: Well gee, son. We've only been dead until the last couple of months.
Kotake: Hey, what is SHE doing here with you?
Ganondorf: Mom, mom, this is my wife Impa Zappa Dragmire.
Both Koume and Kotake: WHAT? YOUR WIFE?
Koume: How could you not invite us to your wedding?
Kotake: REALLY!
Ganondorf: Mom, mom, you've been dead for the last few years! When did you come back?
Koume: Uh... Well, never mind. What's done is done.
Kotake: Well, she looks like a great gal, sweetie.
Impa: Thank you... Koume?
Koume: I'M Koume!
Kotake: I'm Kotake!
Impa: Well, uh... what are we going to do about the room?
Koume: Oh, don't worry. We'll move out right now.
(The witches snap their fingers, and all their luggage appear in their hands)
Kotake: Have a great time you two!
Koume: And remember, we want some grandkids!
(Zel calmly walks out and hits Koume in the head with a small shovel)
Koume: Uh... whoops.
Lake Scientist: Come on girls, let's go!
(They pick up all the luggage and walk out of the room. The Lake Scientist speaks to Ganondorf)
Lake Scientist: Well, we'll see you later, son!
Ganondorf: (screaming) YOU'LL NEVER BE MY REAL DADDY!
(He starts crying, and Koume, Kotake, and Lake Scientist leave the hotel and head back for Hyrule.)
Impa: (pats Ganondorf on back) It's OK sweetie.
Ganondorf: (suddenly perky) Hey, are those little chocolate mints still on the pillow?
(He runs into the spacious, romantic, really cool room.)
Ganondorf: AAAAAH! THEY ARE! The mints are still here!
(He eats the mints quickly. Impa is looking around.)
Impa: Look honey! We have HBO!
Ganondorf: YEAH!
Impa: And is that...
(She looks in the oven)
Impa: OH! They gave a complimentary lamb roast!
Ganondorf: And sweet yams?
Impa: Let me check... YES!
Ganondorf: I LOVE THIS HOTEL!
(He looks around the entertainment system)
Ganondorf: AAAHHHH! THEY HAVE A NINTENDO 64!
Impa: THEY DO!
(They scream and jump around)
Ganondorf: Hey, it's almost 8:00 at night!
Impa: Hmm. Well, I'll fix the lamb roast for dinner, and then we can watch a movie!
Ganondorf: Sounds good!
Impa: (sees something on the counter) OH! Look at this!
"In honor of your visit to Hotel La Smooché on your honeymoon, we present you with one free dinner for two at the hotel's special five star gourmet restaurant Chez Fan-Cé-Pants!"
Ganondorf: GOURMET!
Impa: There sure are a lot of nice people here!
Ganondorf: This is going to be the best honeymoon ever!
Impa: And it hasn't even begun yet, dearest! After dinner we'll...
(They hear a knock at the window. GG is standing there, holding a sign that says "REMEMBER THE RATING!")
Impa: ... we'll make dessert.
Ganondorf: Oh goody! I love dessert!
*~*~*~*~*~* The Risk-é Part of the Fic! (But still rated PG-13!) *~*~*~*~*~*
(Scene: Later. They ate dinner, and are now baking a cake. EW, YOU SICKO! NOT THAT KIND OF CAKE!)
Impa: Let's see... one cup of sugar... three teaspoons of baking powder...
Ganondorf: When do we add the chocolate?
Impa: Pretty soon.
(She stirs the batter, and Ganondorf is staring at her)
Impa: (giggling) What?
Ganondorf: You look so sexy holding that spoon.
Impa: (she raises her eyebrows) You look sexy all the time...
(They stare at each other for a second, and then they leap into each others arms and start making out.)
(A few seconds later, we see the Triforce on Ganondorf's hand light up. They stop, he looks at his hand, and...)
POOF!
(Ganondorf turns into GANON, the pig-lizard dinosaur monster goat thingy.)
Impa: Oh Ganondorf!
GANON: Oh Impa!
(He puckers up and leans over)
Impa: Uh... no offense, but could you... turn back before we make out again?
GANON: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
(He attempts to use the Triforce of Power to turn back into himself.)
GANON: Uh, give me a sec.
(A few seconds later, nothing is different.)
Impa: Oh no! You'll never fit on the bed like this!
GANON: I can barely fit in here!
Impa: Well... maybe you should go watch TV and I'll finish the cake.
GANON: Chocolate always fixes this.
Impa: OK, go watch TV, and I'll bake your cake!
GANON: As soon as I turn back, I'll be back in here!
Impa: And I'll be waiting!
(He literally stomps out into the living room and Impa continues stirring the cake.)
*~*~*~*~*~* End of Risk-é Part! (Gee, you thought it'd be a lot worse than this!) *~*~*~*~*~*
(Scene: The next day, the couple decides to go out to the public beach right next to the hotel. They are getting ready in the room.)
Ganondorf: Impa, have you seen my Speedo?
Impa: (from bathroom) No, dear.
Ganondorf: Oh, I guess I'll just have to wear my trunks.
People in the Room Next Door: |Thank the Goddesses! |
Impa: (from bathroom) I feel ridiculous in this thing!
Ganondorf: Oh come on, Impa! It's just me! Your husband!
Impa: Well... OK... I'm coming out.
(She steps out in a bathing suit that looks surprisingly like what she wears every day, but instead of shorts, a bikini bottom.)
Ganondorf: (surprised) Sweetie! You look...
Impa: (moans) Terrible?
Ganondorf: | Uh... normal? | Honey, you look great!
Impa: (giggles, jumps on bed) OK Ganny-Poo, let's see your swimsuit!
Ganondorf: (blushes) I look silly!
Impa: Come on! I showed you mine!
(He turns bright red and takes off the bathrobe. Ganondorf has black trunks, with a picture of the Triforce on the leg.)
Impa: (laughs) | Oh JEEZ! That looks ridiculous! | You look so hot!
Ganondorf: | She thinks I look ridiculous... | Really?
Impa: Yes!
Ganondorf: (grins) Come on, let's go!
(Scene: A sunny beach. Relaxing music is playing out of nowhere, and everyone's favorite couple come running down from the hotel.)
Ganondorf: Hey look! A spot just for us!
(A nice, sunny, sandy dune.)
Impa: I'll spread out your towel, and you can go find an umbrella!
Ganondorf: OK, be right back!
(Impa spreads out an ultra large towel that says "My Other Towel Is A Magic Carpet". Then, she lies down and slips on a pair of bodacious shades.)
Impa: Hey! You found an umbrella!
Ganondorf: Sure did!
(He sets it up and crashes on the towel next to her.)
Impa: Put on your sunscreen, dear.
Ganondorf: YUCK! I never touch the stuff. Too greasy.
Impa: (sing song) You'll be sor-ry...
Ganondorf: Impa, I grew up in the desert. I can take a little sun.
Impa: True.
(She leans back on the towel.)
Impa: Feel the cool breeze! Smell the fresh sea salt in the air! This is breathtaking, darling!
Ganondorf: And so are you, precious.
Impa: AW!
(The happy couple starts making out on the blanket. Two little kids are watching them. They walk up to them, and start poking them with a stick.)
Boy: Hey Mista... What are you doing?
Girl: Are you eating her face?
(Ganondorf and Impa stop, and they look upset.)
Ganondorf: Hey, beat it, kid!
Impa: Yeah, give us some privacy!
(They start making out again. The two kids run away.)
(A few minutes later, a big man returns with the two kids. He pokes Ganondorf on the shoulder.)
Ganondorf: WHAT? MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO GET SOME PRIVACY!
Big Guy: Hey pal, why don't you get a room?
Impa: We have one, thank you!
Boy: There he is, daddy! The big scary green man who scared us!
Girl: And the ugly lady whose face he was eating!
Impa: UGLY?
Ganondorf: Hey pal, why don't you teach your kids some manners?
Big Guy: Look buddy! This is a public beach! I don't think 100 other beachcombers want to see you and your ugly lady making out, and ESPECIALLY in front of our kids!
Impa: UGLY?
Ganondorf: (leaps up) Hey! You quit calling my wife ugly, 'K? We are on our honeymoon, and we don't need ugly fat guys like you telling us where and where we can't make out!
Big Guy: You wanna make something of it?
Ganondorf: You first, your lardiness!
(The guy pulls back and punches Ganondorf hard in the face.)
Ganondorf: (dazed, singing) It's a long way to Tipperary!
(He falls over unconscious.)
Big Guy: (laughing) HAW! Guess that wuss wasn't so tough.
(The guy turns to see Impa, her eyes glowing purple with her Shadow Sage powers)
Impa: (scary voice) NO ONE CALLS MY HUBBY A WUSS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
Big Guy: HOLY &$^%!
Boy: DADDY!
Girl: WAAAAAAAAAAA, I'm SCARED!
(Thunder crashes and lightning strikes, and everyone on the beach screams and runs away from the crazy Sheikah Sage.)
Big Guy: (picks up Ganondorf, dusts him off) Duh, duh... here ya go, lady! Good as new!
(He takes his hands away and Ganondorf falls over flat again)
Big Guy: Duh... yuh... Did I mention that your hair looks fabulous?
(He screams, grabs both his kids, and runs as fast as he can in the other direction.)
Impa: Jerk! You'd think HE owns this beach!
(She leans down and helps her husband up off of the ground. He has a beard of sand, and looks really dazed.)
Ganondorf: Huh? Wha- What happened?
Impa: You had a little scare. But you're OK now.
Ganondorf: Oh good. Hey, where did all the other beachcombers go?
Impa: I forgot to tell you, I got us a private beach!
Ganondorf: YAY! Let's make out some more!
Impa: Let's go swimming, first!
Ganondorf: OK. (looks sly.) LAST ONE THERE'S A STINKY GORON!
(He breaks off running)
Impa: (laughing) Hey, that's not fair!
(They run off into the waves, and start playing around.)
Ganondorf: YEOW! The water's cold!
Impa: BRRRR! Really cold!
Ganondorf: Guess what?
Impa: What?
(He grabs her, picks her up, and drops her in the water.)
Impa: AAAAAH!
Ganondorf: I can't help myself!
(Impa sits up in the water and grabs his leg. She pulls him over.)
Ganondorf: AIEEEE!
(SPLASH!)
Impa: Good, because I can't help myself either!
Ganondorf: Hey, ya wanna make out in the waves?
Impa: That sounds SO romantic!
(They start making out, and the tide slowly comes in, rising over their heads. A few seconds later, Impa stands up out of the water, coughing and hacking, and Ganondorf is patting her on the back.)
Impa: (gagging) AAACCK! AACCCK! ACCCK!
Ganondorf: OK, maybe we should go somewhere where you can breathe, Impa.
Impa: That (HACK!) would be a (COFF!) good idea...
Ganondorf: Wow, and in the movies, they make it look so cool.
Impa: Who says movie women don't have to breathe? AACK!
(Scene: Later that night, back in the hotel room. Impa is watching TV, and Ganondorf is making dinner)
Impa: It smells good, sweetheart!
Ganondorf: This is a special recipe that one of my family members taught me!
Impa: Oh, your mothers?
(Ganondorf sticks his head out of the kitchen. He is wearing a "Kiss the Chef" apron and wearing a classical chef's hat. He breaks down sobbing)
Ganondorf: MOMMY! MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAA!
Impa: Oh honey! I'm sorry.
(She gets up and pats him gently on the back. He sobs into her shoulder.)
Impa: It must be hard for you adjusting to your mother and your mother getting married to a new guy.
Ganondorf: I miss my REAL daddy! WAAAAAAA!
Impa: (sighs) Honey, your real daddy loves you!
Ganondorf: (sobbing) How do you know? You don't even know who my real daddy is.
Impa: (taken aback) Well... uh... actually, that's right. I don't think anyone knows who your real daddy is.
Ganondorf: (lies down on the bed) It all started when I was born...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The Other Risk-é Part Of The Fic)
(flashback! Scene: The Gerudo Fortress. A pregnant Gerudo woman is lying in bed, screaming. A nurse stands next to the bed)
Nurse: Now come on, Charlotte! You need to push!
Charlotte (Ganondorf's Mommy): AAAAAAAHHHH! GODDESSES! LET IT END NOW! LET IT END!
Nurse: Now, don't say that!
Charlotte: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHERE IS THAT NO GOOD HUSBAND OF MINE?
(Outside the room in another room of the fortress, pacing around, is Ganondorf's daddy. Unfortunately, a hanging TV set covers his face.)
Ganondorf's Daddy: Oh man! Oh man! Oh man!
Koume: (sitting on the couch, knitting) You need to calm down.
Kotake: That's right! After all, Charlotte is our sister, and you don't see US pacing around and screaming!
Ganondorf's Daddy: (moves out from behind TV, but a Gerudo carrying a large potted plant walks out and covers his face) Oh no! I hope it's a boy! I hope!
(Back inside)
Charlotte: AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUUUUUUUUT!
Nurse: Here it is!
Charlotte: GET THAT %&$%^&* BRAT OUT OF ME!
Nurse: It's a boy!
Baby Ganondorf: (screaming bloody murder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BABY, VERY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Ganondorf's Daddy and the Twinrova sisters run into the room. A nurse carrying a large bedpan runs by, blocking his face.)
Ganondorf's Daddy: Charlotte, you did it!
Koume: Oh, baby sister! We finally have a niece!
Nurse: No, a nephew!
Kotake: WOW! Our nephew is going to be the King of Thieves!
Both: SWEET!
Ganondorf's Daddy: I'm so proud! I shall call him GANONDORF! It is a proud, Gerudo name!
Nurse: He looks very healthy.
Ganondorf's Daddy: (standing behind a coat rack) So, let's see him.
(He picks up Baby Ganondorf, and screams.)
Ganondorf's Daddy: GOOD GRIEF! He's hideous!
Koume: Look, Kotake! He has our mother's skin color!
Kotake: He's so cute!
(Ganondorf's Daddy throws the baby back onto his mother's lap.)
Charlotte: (weakly) Come on, hold your son!
Ganondorf's Daddy: I HAVE NO SON!
(He stomps out of the room.)
Charlotte: Oh Harold! (breaks down crying) WAAAAAAAAA!
(Suddenly, Charlotte flat-lines, and the nurse looks down sadly.)
Nurse: I'm sorry... Her acne finally caught up with her.
Koume: You mean...
Kotake: She's... gone?
Nurse: Yes... (suddenly cheerful) Well, he's your son now! Congratulations, invite me to the briss!
(She hands Kotake baby Ganondorf, and runs out of the room.)
(Koume and Kotake stare at each other blankly.)
Koume: Um... Kootchy-kootchy koo?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(End of flashback. Ganondorf is sobbing on the bed.)
Impa: Oh pumpkin! You never really knew your daddy, did you?
Ganondorf: (wailing) And it turns out, "Ganondorf" means "Turns Into A Pig Dinosaur Goat Thingy" in Gerudo! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Impa: Oh, sweetie. Don't worry. I'm here now, everything's going to be OK.
Ganondorf: I know... (sniffle) I'm so glad I met you, Impa.
Impa: Me too, honey.
Ganondorf: I feel safe with you, Impa. You have a gentle touch.
Impa: 17 years of nanny-hood will do that to you.
(He cries for a little while more, and then suddenly sits up, looking perky.)
Ganondorf: (perky) Hey, ya wanna make out?
Impa: (giggles) OK!
(Scene: The next night, downtown. Ganondorf and Impa have decided to go clubbing for a little bit.)
Ganondorf: Boy, it sure is cold out.
Impa: You really don't want to go, do you, sweetie?
Ganondorf: Well... I always thought clubbing and gambling were for SECOND honeymoons.
Impa: Aw, come on! Clubbing is an ancient Sheikah honeymoon tradition!
Ganondorf: SHEIKAH TRADITION?
Impa: Uh huh. For centuries, Sheikah couples have gone clubbing on their honeymoons.
Ganondorf: | Boy, them Sheikahs are pretty wild party animals... |
Impa: This looks like a nice spot! The Koo-Koo Klub!
Ganondorf: (reading sign on door) "Free Drinks For The Ladies! Karaoke Contests Nightly! Fights, Fights, Fights!"
Impa: Wow! What a joint! Let's go, sweetie!
(She grabs him by the arm and drags him into the club. The whole place is filled with couples, dancing, drinking, and in the corner is a small stage for Karaoke)
Ganondorf: I don't like this...
Impa: (grabs a soda from the bar) Oh come on, Ganondorf! You were an Evil King of the World, and you can't handle a nightclub?
Ganondorf: (stammering) Uh, well... uh, no! I can do it! HEY BARTENDER! Gimme a martini!
Bartender: Sorry, bud. We don't serve alcohol.
Ganondorf: Huh? What kind of a bar doesn't serve alcohol?
Bartender: Well ya see, we USED to serve it. But this afternoon, a couple of girls came in and demanded that we put away all of our alcohol for just one night, and serve only non-alcoholic soft drinks.
Ganondorf: OK, I'll have a Pep-
Bartender: NOOOOO! (screams, leaps over bar, and covers Ganondorf's mouth.)
Ganondorf: (mumbling into the Bartender's hand) What did I do?
Bartender: (whispering) If we use brand names for the drinks, we'll have our pants sued off! So, you can't order unless you do not use any brand names.
Impa: Jeez, the authors are already getting sued for so many things in this fic. Why can't they just say the heck with it and let us use brand names?
Bartender: Beats me, they just can't.
Ganondorf: All right, I'll have a... uh... Cola.
Bartender: Good job. Sure thing, coming right up.
(He hands Ganondorf a glass full of brown soda. Ganondorf takes a sip and spits it out immediately)
Ganondorf: (disgusted) PHHOOOOO! YUCK! GROSS! What is that? That's not Cola!
Bartender: Well, we were a little short on money when we had to take all of the alcohol ads down from the bar, so we couldn't afford legal fees if we used the brand name soda's formulas.
Ganondorf: So... you made your own soda?
Bartender: WRONG! We used their soda and mixed stuff in with it! You have a "Sweet N' Low-la Cola Kaboom" right there!
Ganondorf: Uh, that's OK, I'll use the drinking fountain.
Impa: So then, what am I drinking?
Bartender: We call that a "Lemon-Lime Double-Time Cocoa-Blaster Drink-It-Faster Chocolate Mocha Combo Split with Banana Juice".
Impa: (gags and spits a mouthful of soda, spraying Ganondorf) EW! Banana Juice in Lemon-Lime? That is SICK!
Ganondorf: "Ancient Sheikah Tradition", huh?
Impa: (grumbles) Well, we can dance.
Ganondorf: Good idea.
(They walk out on the dance floor. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gainer is playing)
Impa: Come on, big boy. Show me what you got.
Ganondorf: I'm really not a good dancer, Impa...
Impa: Oh, come on!
Ganondorf: Well, OK.
(He hops out on the floor and starts doing the disco. He hits the ground and break dances, then hops up and starts screaming out the words as he shakes his groove thing)
Ganondorf: I'M STAYIN' ALIVE! I WILL SURVIVE!
Impa: (gasps) You're incredible!
(He continues for about five more seconds, and the song starts to fade.)
Ganondorf: Aw, man! They messed up my groove!
(A bar-worker comes out and speaks into a microphone just as the song ends)
Announcer: Hey all you Cool Cats out there, grab your Lucky Ladies and hike it out to the dance floor, cause it's time for the nightly "Dance-O-Rama Call-Yer-Mama Shake-Yer-Groove-Thang Mania" dance contest! The best dancing couple will win a fabulous mystery prize! So, get movin', and the prize patrol will search for the pair who are groovin'!
("Zoot Suit Riot" by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies plays)
Ganondorf: May I have this dance?
Impa: Certain- AAAAAAAAAH!
(Ganondorf grabs her, and swings her wildly into his arms.)
Impa: OW! I cracked my neck!
Ganondorf: Sorry, dear.
Impa: (looks around) Wow, there are a lot of people here. And they're all dancing better than us!
Ganondorf: I can fix that. Oh, but before we do...
Impa: What?
Ganondorf: You might need this.
(He pulls a neck brace out of his pocket)
Impa: No way! I wanna win!
Ganondorf: If you say so...
Impa: I'm not a wuss, baby. I can take a little punish-MEEEEEEEEEENT! AAAAAAHHHHH!
(Ganondorf swings her around, then flips her up into the air)
Impa: YOU PSYCHO!
Ganondorf: Aw, come on Impa! We'll never win with that attitude!
Impa: (looks sly) Hmm... well, OK.
(She grabs him, swings him around, and flips him up into the air.)
Ganondorf: That's the spi-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
(The other dancers stop to watch the couple who appear to be having the most fun. Kafei and Anju have showed up on the dance floor, visiting a club on THEIR honeymoon.)
Anju: Oh Kafei! You really know how to shake me up!
Kafei: GO DADDY!
(He flips her around, and they suddenly hear screaming nearby)
Anju: What is that?
Kafei: I think it's...
(Impa, who is flying through the air, knocks into Kafei and sends him and Anju flying across the room just as Ganondorf catches her)
Both: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Ganondorf: HAHA! Take THAT if you think you dance better than the Dragmires!
(Honey and Darling make an appearance, both wearing flashy disco suits)
Honey: Come on, Darling! Let's kick their butts!
Darling: And we'll win while doing it too!
(they start dancing, and Ganondorf sees them)
Ganondorf: Oh, so you think you're all high and mighty? Well take THIS!
(He catches Impa, grabs both her hands, and swings her across the floor. Her left and right feet catch Honey and Darling in the head, knocking them both unconscious)
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo! You dance divinely! And you're so mean while doing it, too! Tee hee!
Announcer: Wow! I've never seen such reckless disregard for every other couple on the dance floor in all my life! The winners are... Ganondorf and Impa Dragmire!
Everyone Else: (unexcitedly) Yay.
Ganondorf: YEAH! Uh-huh! We're cool!
Impa: What's the prize?
Announcer: The prize is 2,385.83 Rupees! And a free limo ride to and from anywhere in the city!
Ganondorf: All right!
Impa: Great job, sweetie!
Ganondorf: So, what do you wanna do now?
Impa: Hey, I got an idea! Let's use our gift certificate to Chez Fan-Cé-Pants tonight, and we can use the limo ride to get there!
Ganondorf: Great idea! Let's head back to the room so we can change into something nicer.
Impa: Sounds good.
Bartender: Hey, that was great! You guys want a free pair of "Kiwi-Mimi-Grape-Surprise Sugar-sugar Shimmy Give a dog a Bone Named Jimmy"s?
Impa: (turns green) Uh, no thanks.
Ganondorf: (is already green, whispering) Come on, let's get outta here!
(As they are running out the door, they are stopped by Kafei and Darling, who are standing in the door way looking angry)
Kafei: Hey pal, you got a lot of nerve pushing us around like that!
Darling: My beautiful Honey was almost crushed by a bar table!
Ganondorf: Beautiful? My Impa is more beautiful than both of your girls put together!
Kafei: WHAT? Anju would win a beauty contest against that old silver-haired bat any day!
Ganondorf: BAT? BAT? My Impa is not a bat! She is the most beautiful and kind woman in the world, because she married a loser like me!
Darling: My Honey could beat both of your girls any day!
Ganondorf: Hardly likely. Compared to my Impy-Wuvvy, your girls look like rotting pond scum.
Kafei and Darling: POND SCUM?
Darling: Do you wanna start something?
Ganondorf: I think I do!
Impa: Oh no, not again!
Anju: Those boys! I don't understand them!
Honey: They are SO overprotective.
Ganondorf: (singing) Pond scum, pond scum, Honey and Anju are pond scum...
Kafei and Darling: THAT'S IT!
(The two boys leap on Ganondorf, sending him to the ground.)
Ganondorf: (being beaten to a bloody pulp) NO! OW! OW! I WAS KIDDING! OW! OW! NO, DON'T PUNCH ME! OW! OW! I'M A HEMOPHILIAC! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
(Scene: Outside the hotel. The pair is waiting for their limo to come pick them up. Ganondorf is wearing a black suit and bow tie with a black eye to match, and Impa is wearing a purple and black evening gown.)
Ganondorf: They should be here already!
Impa: Be patient, honey. We can look at the stars.
Ganondorf: I can't wait for dinner! I love fancy restaurants like the one we're going to.
Impa: Did your nose stop bleeding?
Ganondorf: I think it did. Finally!
Impa: I never knew you were a hemophiliac*. Why didn't you tell me?
Ganondorf: I don't know. I guess it was that you kinda expect your Evil King to be a tough fighter, not an anemic wimp.
{A/N: * A Hemophiliac is a medical term for people whose blood doesn't clot easily.}
Impa: I don't expect you to be anything you don't want to be, especially an Evil King. All I want you to be is my loving husband.
Ganondorf: Aw, that's sweet, Impa.
Impa: No, really. I think that you were forced into your career as an Evil King. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Ganondorf: I always wanted to be... a pastry chef...
Impa: A pastry chef?
Ganondorf: Yeah, you know! The guys who decorate the donuts at the bakery? Who do the icing on the cakes?
Impa: That's a great job! Why don't you look into it?
Ganondorf: Na, I like being a King. Not really an Evil one anymore, but still.
(He strikes a pose, and says in a low voice,)
Ganondorf: Hail to the King, Baby!
Impa: That's great! (giggles) Hey, here comes the limo!
(The limo pulls up, and Ganondorf helps Impa into the back. Then he gets in and shuts the door)
Driver: (through an intercom) Hello, and Welcome to Maui Limo Rentals! Where will I be driving you tonight?
Impa: To Chez Fan-Cé-Pants, please.
Driver: Uh... are you sure?
Ganondorf: Yes we're sure!
Impa: And take your time!
Driver: Well... uh, OK.
(The limo starts moving.)
Ganondorf: Hey, this is nice!
Impa: Ooh, Leather! It's really nice!
Driver: OK, we're here!
Ganondorf: (sits up) WHAT?
Driver: You didn't hear? I said, "OK, we're here!"
Impa: Huh? How did we get here so fast?
Ganondorf: No way! We can't possibly...
(He opens the door and sees the huge fancy restaurant, one block away from the hotel.)
Ganondorf: D'OH!
Impa: Uh, well... it's OK, we can use the ride back and go for a cruise around town.
Ganondorf: (grumbling) Oh, OK.
Driver: Have fun you two!
(They get out of the limo and Ganondorf escorts Impa inside the restaurant and up to the reservation desk.)
Guy At reservation Desk: Allo, welcome to Chez Fan-Cé-Pants! I am Fa'la-fel, your Maitre d'! Do you have a reservation?
Ganondorf: Yes, we got a gift certificate for our honeymoon.
Fa'la-fel: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire! Congratulations on your decision to tie zee knot! We have a table all ready for you!
(Fa'la-fel leads them to a small table for two, with candles and lots of forks, and a beautiful view of the city lights)
Impa: Oh Ganondorf! What a beautiful view!
Ganondorf: This will do nicely, Falafel.
Fa'la-fel: Uh, no. It's pronounced Fa'la-fel.
Ganondorf: OK, Falafel. Thank you!
(They sit down, and Fa'la-fel stands there for a little while.)
Ganondorf: AHEM!
Fa'la-fel: What?
Ganondorf: Falafel, I believe as a Maitre d', your job is to seat us.
Fa'la-fel: Oui? And it's Fa'la-fel.
Ganondorf: So SHOVE OFF!
Fa'la-fel: Oh, right.
(He runs off)
Impa: Wow, this is a nice restaurant!
Ganondorf: We'll see when the food comes out.
(A waiter walks up to the table and bows)
Waiter: Allo, I am Garcon, your waiter. Can I get you some drinks?
Impa: A bottle of your finest champagne, please.
Garcon: Oh! But Madame! I am so sorry! We were forced by two little girls to put all of our alcohol away just for tonight!
Ganondorf: But... it's not a honeymoon dinner without champagne!
Garcon: I am so sorry, Monsieur.
Impa: Please don't say you made your own...
Garcon: Alas! We have sparkling grape juice instead of champagne tonight!
Ganondorf: Thank goodness.
(Garcon disappears and shows up a little later with a bottle of sparkling grape juice.)
Garcon: Here you are Monsieur, Madame. Now, can I get you some appetizers?
Ganondorf: Hey, the Rocky Mountain Oysters sound good!
Impa: (chokes on her wine) WHAT?
Ganondorf: It says right here, "Rocky Mountain Oysters. Served with tomato catsup." And even though it's spelled "ketchup", they sound good to me!
Impa: (whispering) Sweetie, do you know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are?
Ganondorf: (innocently) No, what?
(She leans over and whispers in his ear)
Ganondorf: EWWWW! NO! GROSS! SICK! BLEEECH! AAAHHH! No, X that! X that! I don't want the Rocky Mountain Oysters!
Garcon: As you wish, Monsieur. Any appetizers for you at all?
Impa: The coconut fried shrimp, please.
Garcon: Oui, oui! Is that all?
Impa: That's all for now. Thank you, Garcon.
(He walks away and Ganondorf sighs)
Ganondorf: So they really aren't oysters?
Impa: No, they're not.
Ganondorf: I can't believe I almost ordered that! EW!
(A little while later, the shrimp arrives)
Impa: MM-MM! I love shrimp!
(She picks up a piece and sticks the whole thing in her mouth)
Impa: (chewing loud, spraying food) MM-MM! YUM! Good stuff!
(Garcon and Ganondorf are staring)
Impa: What?
Garcon: (tries not to gag) And now Monsieur, Madame. What would you like for your entrees?
Impa: I'll have the lobster, please.
Ganondorf: And I'll have the Escargot du Framage!
Impa: (chokes on her shrimp) What?
Ganondorf: Escargot du Framage. You know, it says "Lightly buttered escargot with a delicate cheese sauce"? That sounds good. I want it.
(Impa leans over and whispers in his ear)
Ganondorf: EWWW! Um, whoops. I mean, I'll have the lobster too.
Garcon: Oui. And you Monsieur, as a honeymoon couple, are entitled to one free French/English dictionary.
(He pulls one out of his pocket, and hands it to him.)
Ganondorf: Oh, thanks.
Impa: Well, there we go. Thank you, Garcon. And for the French/English dictionary.
Ganondorf: (attempting to read French) Murky, bow-coop!
Impa: That's "merci, beaucoup."
Ganondorf: Yeah, that too.
(Garcon runs off)
Ganondorf: He's certainly nice!
Impa: From now on, you'd better let me read the menu for you.
Ganondorf: OK, sounds good to me.
(Later, the couple is eating their entrees.)
Impa: This lobster is great! It's so sweet and tender!
Ganondorf: Really? Mine is crunchy.
Impa: (looks over at him questioningly, then sees what he's doing) ULP! Uh, Ganondorf?
Ganondorf: Yes?
Impa: You've never had seafood before, have you?
Ganondorf: No. Why?
Impa: Because you don't eat the shell of the lobster. You treat it like a chicken bone.
Ganondorf: Huh?
Impa: (eyes widen) Oh my Goddess. You EAT chicken bones?
Ganondorf: Why, don't you?
Impa: I'll be right back.
(She runs outside the restaurant, and brings back a really thick book)
Ganondorf: "Etiquette For The Uncivilized Pig".
Impa: Ignore the title hon, it's the only one they had left at the hotel bookstore.
Ganondorf: Thank you, sweetie! I'll treasure it always!
Impa: (sweetly) You're welcome.
(Later, Ganondorf has finally learned how to eat, and it is time for dessert)
Impa: I would like the cheesecake, Garcon.
Ganondorf: Me too. (dreamily) We can eat a pair of cheesecakes because we are a pair of lovebirds...
Impa: Oh Ganondorf!
(They start passionately making out, and Garcon sits there for a few seconds.)
Garcon: Excuse moi, but could you two please save it for somewhere where people are NOT eating?
(They ignore him)
Garcon: (yelling to someone in another room) PIERRE! BRING THE CROWBAR!
(Another waiter delivers a crowbar, and Pierre tries to pry them apart)
Garcon: No, no! You must do it like this!
(He bonks Ganondorf over the head, knocking him unconscious.)
Impa: AAH! You killed my husband!
Pierre: No we didn't! This crowbar is set on "Knock Out Cold", not "Kick The Bucket".
Impa: Oh. (she kicks him) GANNY-POO! WAKE UP!
Ganondorf: (sits up, groggy) Hi, this is Ganondorf! Please leave a message after the beep! BEEEEEP!
Impa: I can handle it. (leans over, speaks in a soft voice) Ganondorf sweetie, wake up! We're at Grandma's!
Ganondorf: (opens his eyes) Oh, hi Grandma! (regains senses) Huh? What happened? Did your kissing knock me out?
Impa: I think so, dearest. Our cheesecake is here!
Ganondorf: Oh, good.
(The waiter sets two plates of cheesecake in front of them, and they pick up two forks.)
Ganondorf: Impy-Wuvvy, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Impa: I think so, Ganny-Poo...
(They both load a forkful of cheesecake, and then feed each other)
Garcon: LE PUKE!
Pierre: LE PUKE!
Other Diners: LE PUKE!
Impa: Oh, come on! We did it at the wedding, we can do it on the honeymoon!
Ganondorf: Yeah, mind your own business!
Everyone Else: Sorry...
(BLEAH! Well, skipping that part, let's move on to about five minutes later)
Ganondorf: Oh, that was good! I'm stuffed!
Impa: And we don't have to wait for the bill, because dinner was free!
(They stand up and start to put on their coats, when Garcon shows up with a dish of candy)
Garcon: Ah Madame, Monsieur! You can't leave yet! You MUST try one of our special handmade after-dinner mints! It's our own special recipe!
Ganondorf: Oh, I LOVE mints!
Impa: Me too! Let's try some!
(They both take a mint, and eat it)
Ganondorf: Wow, that WAS a good mint! My mouth feels so clean, and my pallet is cleansed!
Impa: Yes, that was the perfect end to a perfect meal!
Garcon: (yelling to the chef) Hey Jean-Claude! These people love your new Kumquats N' Crème de Menthe mints!
Impa: (suddenly turns pale) KUMQUATS?
Garcon: Oui, we mix Kumquats in with the Crème de Menthe and they give it a nice texture!
Ganondorf: What's wrong, Impa?
Impa: I'm allergic to kumquats! DEADLY allergic to kumquats!
Ganondorf: Huh? AAAAAAHHHHH! IMPA! YOU ARE GETTING HIVES ON YOUR FACE!
Impa: OH MY GODDESS! SOMEONE CALL THE HOSPITAL!
(Ganondorf pulls out his cell phone and dials 911)
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Ganondorf: My wife just ate a kumquat after dinner mint, and she's DEADLY allergic to kumquats!
Operator: Where are you?
Ganondorf: I'm at Chez Fan-Cé-Pants! HURRY!
Impa: (dazed) Oh wow! I've never seen spots THAT color!
(She falls over)
Ganondorf: OH MY GODDESS! IMPAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Operator: Sir, I'm sorry. All of our ambulances are currently on duty. We will send one out as soon as it returns.
Ganondorf: We don't have time! She just collapsed!
Operator: Unless, of course, you could get her to the hospital...
Ganondorf: That's it!
(Scene: Outside. Ganondorf kicks open the door of the restaurant, and carries his beloved Impa outside to the limo)
Driver: Oh hello sir! Where will it be now?
Ganondorf: To the hospital, and QUICK!
Driver: Yes sir!
(He pulls a siren out of his glove compartment and sticks it on the roof. Then, the opens the door, and Ganondorf jumps in)
Ganondorf: STEP ON IT!
Impa: (dazed) I see skies of blue! Clouds of white! Blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... aaaaaaaaaahhhhlalalalaaaaaa...
Ganondorf: Hold on sweetie! We'll be to the hospital in no time!
Impa: OK, Mr. President...
(Five minutes later, they reach the hospital and Impa is brought in on a stretcher)
Medic 1: We need 300 CC iodine, STAT!
Medic 2: Right away, doctor!
Ganondorf: My Goddess! Impa! Impa, can you hear me?
Impa: (mumbling)
Ganondorf: What?
Impa: (delirious) I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONKEY, YOU TELETUBBY POOP!
Ganondorf: (screaming) Doctor! Oh Goddesses, Doctor! Say she'll be all right! We just got married last week!
Medic 1: We're working on it, Mr. Dragmire!
Medic 3: Doctor, shall I get the Kumquat Reversal Solution?
Medic 1: Yes, and hurry! We need to go in!
Ganondorf: SAVE HER! SAAAAVE HER!
Medic 2: Mr. Dragmire, we ask that you please stay outside of the ER.
Ganondorf: But she's my WIFE!
(They disappear behind two double doors, and Ganondorf listens to what's going on)
Medic 1: She's going down!
Ganondorf: NOOOOOOO!
Medic 2: NO! NO! PULL UP!
Medic 3: OH GODDESSES! THE HUMANITY!
(Ganondorf shoves open the door to see all three medics watching "World's Biggest Plane Accidents" on TV, while Impa lies passed out on the stretcher)
Ganondorf: HELLOOOO? Could we work on saving my wife, here?
Medic 4: (from another room) But siw, I thought it was your bewoved wife who needed medicaw hewp!
Ganondorf: (scowling to camera) That joke was so corny, you'd think we were in a comedy here.
GG: (voice from offscreen) Well DUH!
Zel: (voice) What do you think we are, romance authors?
Both: (cracking up)
Ganondorf: I don't think it's funny!
Both: Oh, sorry.
Medic 1: Hey yeah! This guy is right! Maybe we would save more patients if we DIDN'T watch TV in the middle of their operations!
Medic 2: Wow! Who knew?
(The medics move over and start administering the Kumquat Reversal Solution. Slowly, the pulse goes up, and she opens her eyes)
Impa: G-G-Ganondorf? Is that you?
Ganondorf: Impa! Impa my darling! You're alive!
Impa: What happened?
(Suddenly, the monitor beeps, and Impa flat lines)
Ganondorf: (gasps) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(He faints, and Impa sits up.)
Impa: GANONDORF! MY DARLING! I DON'T WANT TO LEEEEEEAVE YOU! (she faints)
Medic 3: Whoops, well would ya look at that? I tripped over the monitor wire, and I pulled it out of its socket! Hey, she didn't really flat line at all! She's made a perfect recovery! That's kind of funny! I accidentally unplugged the monitor, and both of them passed out because he thought that his wife had died and she thought that she had died! AAAHAHAHAHAAA! Isn't that funny? Just a little? Guys, hey guys! Why isn't anyone listening to me? Hey, isn't it even funny at all?
Medic 1: Yeah, Joey, it's a real gas.
Medic 2: Hey, that actually IS funny!
(The medics all start laughing)
Medic 3: AAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA... hey, wait a minute!
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE ULTRA-CLEAN HONEYMOON CHAPTER! PART TWO! COMING SOON!
OK, I bet I confused you a little there with the restaurant. "Escargot" is the French word for snail, in case you didn't know, and Rocky Mountain Oysters... Well, uh... If I told you what those are, this fic would go from PG-13 to R. So, if you really, REALLY want to know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are, email me...
UH yeah... hahahaa... cool.
By Zel and Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER THREE: The Ultra-Clean Honeymoon Chapter! Part One
A/N: We, the authors of So I Married An Evil King, do solemnly affirm that there will be no dirty stuff or "smut" in these two honeymoon chapters. After all, in the words of Krusty the Klown...
"Comedy isn't stuff that is dirty! It's stuff that SOUNDS dirty. Like mukluk!"
| | = a character's thoughts.
Impa smiled and set the picture back on the mantle. "Oh, we had such a beautiful wedding!"
"I know..." Ganondorf grinned. "But I think the honeymoon was even better!"
Impa gasped. "GANON!"
"What?" he said.
"Well... I guess you're partially right. The honeymoon WAS pretty nice..."
Ganondorf snorted. "I'm never going on another honeymoon as long as I live."
(flashback noises)
DOOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP! DOODLYDOOP! DOOODLYDOOP!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Scene: Gerudo/Groovy Valley, the day after the wedding. The Gerudos have all gathered out in front of the fortress to say goodbye to their king and his newly married queen, as they leave for their honeymoon in Maui!)
Ganondorf: Thanks again you guys, for letting us go on our honeymoon in peace.
Random Gerudo 1: Well, it's the least we could do.
Random Gerudo 2: That's right. We've lived without you for a while, we can last a week.
Nabooru: (slyly) So... Ganondorf... WHO'S IN CHARGE?
All Gerudos: YEAH! YEAH! WHO'S IN CHARGE?
Ganondorf: (obviously uncomfortable) Uh... Uh... why does anyone have to be in charge? Why can't everyone just watch out for themselves?
Random Gerudo 3: (snorts) Hmmph. We'll remember you said that when you come back.
Ganondorf: (turns purple) Uh... Uh...
Random Gerudo 1: (whispers to a group of Gerudos) Boy, he sure has lost his leader-like attitude since he met Impa...
Random Gerudo 4: Yeah, he's turned into a big wuss!
Ganondorf: HAVE NOT!
Random Gerudo 2: Yes huh.
Ganondorf: NO!
Nabooru: (walks towards Ganondorf) Yeah, you guys. Come on, he's not all soft!
(Nabooru pokes him in the stomach, and he whimpers and starts crying.)
Ganondorf: OW! NABOORU, THAT HURT!
(The Gerudos all raise their eyebrows.)
Nabooru: | Yeah, Ganondorf... King of Evil. Whatever happened to that? King of Fluff is more like it! |
Ganondorf: |Yo Nabooru, I can read thoughts, remember? |
Nabooru: | Oops... |
Ganondorf: (sniffles, changes the subject) Hey, where is Impa, anyway? Our ride is supposed to be here any minute!
Random Gerudo 3: I saw her inside, packing about an hour ago.
(Impa runs out of the fortress, dragging a definitely overstuffed suitcase.)
Impa: Here I am, sweetie!
Ganondorf: Ah, good.
(He kisses her on the cheek)
Impa: Thank you for last night...
(Suddenly, Zel and GG poke their heads out of random windows in the fortress.)
GG: (screaming) HEY! None of that!
Zel: REMEMBER THE RAAAATING!
Impa: (turns red) Uh... I mean... Thank you for last night, sweetie... It was really nice of you to uh... uh... help me pack my suitcase!
Ganondorf: (blushes) Uh, yeah... it was no trouble at all! Uh...
GG: That's better.
Zel: Watch it, you two!
(They disappear)
Impa: (grumbling)
Ganondorf: Hey! Look! Here comes our romantic ride to Maui!
Impa: A LIMO?
Ganondorf: No.
Impa: A JET??!?!?
Ganondorf: (grinning) No...
Impa: WHAT IS IT?
Ganondorf: The ancient Gerudo honeymoon tradition!
Impa: What?
Ganondorf: A CAMEL!
Impa: A CAMEL?
(A fat guy leading a camel rides into the fortress. The camel is all dressed up nicely, and it has a sign painted on its butt that reads "Just Married!")
Ganondorf: Hey, you're late!
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Sorry, he decided to stop at a bush just past Zora's Domain.
Ganondorf: And now, my queen, I help you onto our ride and we ride to MAUI!
Impa: (crossing arms, looking mad) I hate camels!
Ganondorf: Huh? Why? What do Sheikahs ride off to their honeymoons on?
Impa: My mom Irene and my dad Bob rode to their honeymoon in a limo!
Ganondorf: A LIMO? That is like, SO cliché!
Impa: (sighs) Whatever. Come on sweetie, help me up!
(Ganondorf is about to help her onto the camel, when the fat guy steps forward)
Fat Guy W/ Camel: AHEM!
Ganondorf: What?
Fat Guy W/ Camel: That'll be 250 Rupees.
Ganondorf: 250 RUPEES?! I could BUY a camel for that much!
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Hey, I gotta keep a livin', ya know?
Ganondorf: Fine. But that's the LAST time I use Slimy Pete's Honeymoon Camel Rental!
(He shells out a gold and a purple Rupee and the Fat Guy counts it carefully. Then he grins.)
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Thank you, and have a great time doin'...
(A tin can hits him in the head. He looks up, to see Zel and GG on top of the fortress.)
Fat Guy W/ Camel: Uh, have a great time doin' the honeymoon thing!
(The Fat Guy walks away, and Ganondorf motions to the camel)
Ganondorf: Shall we, my dear?
Impa: We shall!
(He holds his hands together for her to step on, and she steps up.)
Ganondorf: (screams, moves hands away) AAAH! OWWW!
Impa: WHOAAA! (slips off camel and hit the ground.)
Ganondorf: OWWWOOOOWWW! You never said you were going to wear your Razor brand Sheikah stiletto heels!
Impa: OWWW! OWWW! Sorry!
(She stands up, takes off her heels, and pitches them away.)
(At that second, Al, the guy who was hit with a flower at the wedding, is walking by the fortress.)
Al: Ow... stupid flower! AHA! Finally! I got it out of my eye!
(A stiletto heel flies out of nowhere and smacks him in the head)
Al: OWWW!
(He picks up the shoe off of the ground.)
Al: Hmm. Well, at least it didn't hit me in the face.
(The other shoe comes flying towards him. More specifically, his face.)
Al: Uh oh...
WHAM!
(Impa shrugs and gets back up onto the camel.)
Impa: Come on, honey! Let's not take all day!
Ganondorf: Coming, dear!
(He hops up onto the camel right behind Impa.)
Impa: OK, we're both up on the camel, and now... WE CAN LEAVE!
Ganondorf: Goodbye, everyone! We'll see you later!
Gerudos: BYE GANONDORF! BYE IMPA!
(The happy couple ride away on the camel, the tin cans hanging off of its rear end jangling on the ground.)
Nabooru: (waits until they are out of hearing range, and...) GOODBYE RULES! ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY!
Gerudos: YES! YEAAAAAAAAAAH! ANAR-CHY!
All: (chanting) ANAR-CHY! ANAR-CHY!
(Scene: Hyrule Field. Ganondorf and Impa are riding off to Maui.)
Ganondorf: We finally got married, sweetheart.
Impa: I know! Three months ago, I never would have believed that you were my soul mate! I hated your guts!
Ganondorf: I know...
(He rubs a big bruise on his stomach)
Impa: I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to you, darling.
Ganondorf: Even locking me in the Evil Realm?
Impa: Even that.
Ganondorf: Ah, I'm joking. You guys thought you were so cool, with your big perfect seal... HA! Nothing a little sulfuric acid and some Sweet N' Low won't fix!
Impa: Heh heh heh.
Ganondorf: Hey, I just realized something!
Impa: What?
Ganondorf: I don't even know where Maui is!
Impa: Oh. Well, why don't you check that sign over there?
Ganondorf: (whispering) Honey, this is Hyrule. I'm sure Maui isn't in Hyrule...
Impa: No, I sense it. Just check that sign.
Ganondorf: (sighs) All RIIIIIGHT, I'll check the sign.
(He hops off the camel and goes to check the sign.)
Ganondorf: (reading off sign)
"Hyrule Castle- 1 mile
Lon-Lon Ranch- 1/2 mile
Kokiri Forest- 2 miles
Goron City- 3 1/2 miles
Kakariko Village- 3 miles
Maui- 30 miles to the south"
(He suddenly realizes what he has just read.)
Ganondorf: Maui, 30 miles to the SOUTH?
Impa: I TOOOOOLD YOU!
(Ganondorf hops back on the horse)
Ganondorf: Well, let's go to our honeymoon suite in Maui, and...
(A rock flies out of a tree and hits him in the head)
Ganondorf: OOOF! Uh... I mean... Let's go to our honeymoon suite and bake a cake!
Impa: (slowly) Yes, let's... go to Maui and bake a cake, honey!
Ganondorf: Only a couple of hours and a LOOOOOOOOT of bumpy camel riding to go!
~*~*~*~*~* A COUPLE OF HOURS AND A LOOOOOOOOT OF BUMPY CAMEL RIDING LATER... *~*~*~*~*~
(Scene: A beach in MAUI! The happy couple ride up to the hotel)
Impa: Oh Ganondorf! This is WONDERFUL! How ever did you afford it?
Ganondorf: Well...
(brief flashback. Ganondorf is holding some guy by the throat and screaming right next to a reception desk)
Ganondorf: YOU GIVE ME RESERVATIONS FOR TWO IN YOUR NICEST HONEYMOON SUITE RIGHT THIS INSTANT, OR I'LL BREAK YOUR %&^$&#* NECK!
Man: (in squeaky voice) Yes sir!
Ganondorf: AND I WANT TOWELS FOLDED IN A DIFFERENT ORIGAMI SHAPE EVERY DAY!
Man: (in squeaky voice) Yes sir!
Ganondorf: AND THOSE DELICIOUS LITTLE CHOCOLATE MINTS ON THE PILLOWS EVERY MORNING AND AFTERNOON!
Man: (getting squeakier) yes sir...
Ganondorf: AND OUR OWN PRIVATE HOT TUB ON THE BALCONY! AND A FIREWORKS SHOW THE FIRST NIGHT THAT SAYS "GANNY-POO LOVES IMPY-WUVVY"!
Man: ...
Ganondorf: AND A PASS TO EVERY SINGLE FANCY RESTAURANT IN THE CITY!
Man: ...
Ganondorf: (suddenly calm) Did you get all that?
Man: (raspy) Sir, I can't breathe...
Ganondorf: Oops. (sets the guy down and brushes him off) Thank you, have a nice day!
(end of flashback)
Ganondorf: Uh, I've been saving money for my honeymoon since I was three.
Impa: REALLY? That's so sweet! Oh Ganny-Poo, this is wonderful! Thank you so much!
(They ride up to the valet parking lot and Ganondorf helps Impa off of the camel. A teenager in a red suit runs up to them.)
Valet Teen: Hello Sir and Madame! Welcome to Hotel La Smooché! I am the valet boy, may I park your...
(He sees the couple's ride)
Valet Teen: (shocked) ... camel?
Ganondorf: Yes, please.
Valet Teen: ...
Impa: Park it near the window, and give him lots of food, OK?
Valet Teen: (pale) Uh... sure.
Ganondorf: (hands the valet teen a gold Rupee) Thank you, my good man! Go buy yourself something nice!
Valet Teen: (gasps at the Rupee, and salutes Ganondorf) YES SIR! Your camel will be in good hands!
(Ganondorf and Impa grab their bags, and they leave the valet teen to the camel. The teen tries to lead the camel away, but the camel spits at him. We last see the valet teen attempting to yank the camel along, but the camel decides to stay put.)
(Ganondorf and Impa enter the hotel's lobby, and they approach the desk. At the reception desk is the same man from Ganondorf's flashback)
Man: Hello, welcome to... AAAGGGGGHHHH!
Impa: AGGGGHHH? What the...
(The guy turns pale and runs into the back room)
Impa: (confused) Ganondorf, what's wrong with that guy?
Ganondorf: | Uh oh... |
Impa: Why was he running like that?
Ganondorf: |Come on big boy... think of something... | He must have had to go to the bathroom, Impa.
Impa: Oh. |Oh man! I KNEW that he beat someone up for this hotel room! |
(another receptionist walks into the desk and bows)
Receptionist: Hello Sir, Madame. Welcome to Hotel La Smooché, the honeymooner's dream hotel! Do you have a reservation?
Impa: We do.
Ganondorf: It should be under "Dragmire".
(The receptionist checks the reservation book and smiles)
Receptionist: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire. You're upstairs in the Honeymoon Suite.
Ganondorf: Thank you, my good man! (He hands him another gold Rupee) Go buy yourself something nice.
(The guy grins. Ganondorf digs out another gold Rupee and hands it to him.)
Ganondorf: Oh, and give this one to that fellow back there hiding in the garbage can.
(The receptionist tosses the Rupee into the garbage can, and a pair of eyes stick out.)
Man in Garbage: Thank you, sir!
Ganondorf: Come on Impa, let's go upstairs to our room and...
(Zel and GG step out of an elevator. They both clear their throats)
Ganondorf: And... check out the balcony!
Impa: Oh yes, that's a good idea!
(Zel and GG nod appreciatively and step back into the elevator.)
(The couple hops another elevator to the top floor and goes to the room with the big red heart on the door. They can hear a TV set on inside the room.)
Impa: Hey! Do you hear that, pumpkin?
Ganondorf: OOOOH! SURROUND SOUND!
Impa: No, sweetie! Someone's in our room!
Ganondorf: Huh? THAT LITTLE RECEPTIONIST PUNK! I'LL POUND HIM!
Impa: Now, now let's knock on the door and calmly explain that we had reservations to this room.
Ganondorf: Uh... yeah, that works too.
(Impa knocks on the door. A pair of raspy voices answers)
Voices: Yes? Who is it?
Ganondorf: Pardon me, Sir or Madame, but this is our room!
Impa: We had reservations. And you... uh... are in them.
Voices: Just a second, please.
(The door opens and Ganondorf screams)
Ganondorf: MOTHER! MOTHER!
(Twinrova opens the door. Koume and Kotake are staring at them.)
Koume: Ganondorf! What are YOU doing in the honeymoon suite?
Ganondorf: No, mom. What are YOU doing in the honeymoon suite?
(The Lake Scientist steps out into the doorway. As you know, Twinrova recently married the Lake Scientist)
Lake Scientist: What's going on, dear? Dear?
Ganondorf: AAAAGGGH! MOM! MOM! You didn't!
Kotake: You mean you didn't tell him, Koume?
Koume: I thought YOU told him, Kotake!
Kotake: Uh... Ganondorf honey, this is your new step-daddy. The Lake Scientist.
Lake Scientist: HIYEEEEE!
Ganondorf: (screams, falls over on floor) MOM! Why didn't you tell me you were getting married?
Koume: Well gee, son. We've only been dead until the last couple of months.
Kotake: Hey, what is SHE doing here with you?
Ganondorf: Mom, mom, this is my wife Impa Zappa Dragmire.
Both Koume and Kotake: WHAT? YOUR WIFE?
Koume: How could you not invite us to your wedding?
Kotake: REALLY!
Ganondorf: Mom, mom, you've been dead for the last few years! When did you come back?
Koume: Uh... Well, never mind. What's done is done.
Kotake: Well, she looks like a great gal, sweetie.
Impa: Thank you... Koume?
Koume: I'M Koume!
Kotake: I'm Kotake!
Impa: Well, uh... what are we going to do about the room?
Koume: Oh, don't worry. We'll move out right now.
(The witches snap their fingers, and all their luggage appear in their hands)
Kotake: Have a great time you two!
Koume: And remember, we want some grandkids!
(Zel calmly walks out and hits Koume in the head with a small shovel)
Koume: Uh... whoops.
Lake Scientist: Come on girls, let's go!
(They pick up all the luggage and walk out of the room. The Lake Scientist speaks to Ganondorf)
Lake Scientist: Well, we'll see you later, son!
Ganondorf: (screaming) YOU'LL NEVER BE MY REAL DADDY!
(He starts crying, and Koume, Kotake, and Lake Scientist leave the hotel and head back for Hyrule.)
Impa: (pats Ganondorf on back) It's OK sweetie.
Ganondorf: (suddenly perky) Hey, are those little chocolate mints still on the pillow?
(He runs into the spacious, romantic, really cool room.)
Ganondorf: AAAAAH! THEY ARE! The mints are still here!
(He eats the mints quickly. Impa is looking around.)
Impa: Look honey! We have HBO!
Ganondorf: YEAH!
Impa: And is that...
(She looks in the oven)
Impa: OH! They gave a complimentary lamb roast!
Ganondorf: And sweet yams?
Impa: Let me check... YES!
Ganondorf: I LOVE THIS HOTEL!
(He looks around the entertainment system)
Ganondorf: AAAHHHH! THEY HAVE A NINTENDO 64!
Impa: THEY DO!
(They scream and jump around)
Ganondorf: Hey, it's almost 8:00 at night!
Impa: Hmm. Well, I'll fix the lamb roast for dinner, and then we can watch a movie!
Ganondorf: Sounds good!
Impa: (sees something on the counter) OH! Look at this!
"In honor of your visit to Hotel La Smooché on your honeymoon, we present you with one free dinner for two at the hotel's special five star gourmet restaurant Chez Fan-Cé-Pants!"
Ganondorf: GOURMET!
Impa: There sure are a lot of nice people here!
Ganondorf: This is going to be the best honeymoon ever!
Impa: And it hasn't even begun yet, dearest! After dinner we'll...
(They hear a knock at the window. GG is standing there, holding a sign that says "REMEMBER THE RATING!")
Impa: ... we'll make dessert.
Ganondorf: Oh goody! I love dessert!
*~*~*~*~*~* The Risk-é Part of the Fic! (But still rated PG-13!) *~*~*~*~*~*
(Scene: Later. They ate dinner, and are now baking a cake. EW, YOU SICKO! NOT THAT KIND OF CAKE!)
Impa: Let's see... one cup of sugar... three teaspoons of baking powder...
Ganondorf: When do we add the chocolate?
Impa: Pretty soon.
(She stirs the batter, and Ganondorf is staring at her)
Impa: (giggling) What?
Ganondorf: You look so sexy holding that spoon.
Impa: (she raises her eyebrows) You look sexy all the time...
(They stare at each other for a second, and then they leap into each others arms and start making out.)
(A few seconds later, we see the Triforce on Ganondorf's hand light up. They stop, he looks at his hand, and...)
POOF!
(Ganondorf turns into GANON, the pig-lizard dinosaur monster goat thingy.)
Impa: Oh Ganondorf!
GANON: Oh Impa!
(He puckers up and leans over)
Impa: Uh... no offense, but could you... turn back before we make out again?
GANON: Oh, yeah. Sorry.
(He attempts to use the Triforce of Power to turn back into himself.)
GANON: Uh, give me a sec.
(A few seconds later, nothing is different.)
Impa: Oh no! You'll never fit on the bed like this!
GANON: I can barely fit in here!
Impa: Well... maybe you should go watch TV and I'll finish the cake.
GANON: Chocolate always fixes this.
Impa: OK, go watch TV, and I'll bake your cake!
GANON: As soon as I turn back, I'll be back in here!
Impa: And I'll be waiting!
(He literally stomps out into the living room and Impa continues stirring the cake.)
*~*~*~*~*~* End of Risk-é Part! (Gee, you thought it'd be a lot worse than this!) *~*~*~*~*~*
(Scene: The next day, the couple decides to go out to the public beach right next to the hotel. They are getting ready in the room.)
Ganondorf: Impa, have you seen my Speedo?
Impa: (from bathroom) No, dear.
Ganondorf: Oh, I guess I'll just have to wear my trunks.
People in the Room Next Door: |Thank the Goddesses! |
Impa: (from bathroom) I feel ridiculous in this thing!
Ganondorf: Oh come on, Impa! It's just me! Your husband!
Impa: Well... OK... I'm coming out.
(She steps out in a bathing suit that looks surprisingly like what she wears every day, but instead of shorts, a bikini bottom.)
Ganondorf: (surprised) Sweetie! You look...
Impa: (moans) Terrible?
Ganondorf: | Uh... normal? | Honey, you look great!
Impa: (giggles, jumps on bed) OK Ganny-Poo, let's see your swimsuit!
Ganondorf: (blushes) I look silly!
Impa: Come on! I showed you mine!
(He turns bright red and takes off the bathrobe. Ganondorf has black trunks, with a picture of the Triforce on the leg.)
Impa: (laughs) | Oh JEEZ! That looks ridiculous! | You look so hot!
Ganondorf: | She thinks I look ridiculous... | Really?
Impa: Yes!
Ganondorf: (grins) Come on, let's go!
(Scene: A sunny beach. Relaxing music is playing out of nowhere, and everyone's favorite couple come running down from the hotel.)
Ganondorf: Hey look! A spot just for us!
(A nice, sunny, sandy dune.)
Impa: I'll spread out your towel, and you can go find an umbrella!
Ganondorf: OK, be right back!
(Impa spreads out an ultra large towel that says "My Other Towel Is A Magic Carpet". Then, she lies down and slips on a pair of bodacious shades.)
Impa: Hey! You found an umbrella!
Ganondorf: Sure did!
(He sets it up and crashes on the towel next to her.)
Impa: Put on your sunscreen, dear.
Ganondorf: YUCK! I never touch the stuff. Too greasy.
Impa: (sing song) You'll be sor-ry...
Ganondorf: Impa, I grew up in the desert. I can take a little sun.
Impa: True.
(She leans back on the towel.)
Impa: Feel the cool breeze! Smell the fresh sea salt in the air! This is breathtaking, darling!
Ganondorf: And so are you, precious.
Impa: AW!
(The happy couple starts making out on the blanket. Two little kids are watching them. They walk up to them, and start poking them with a stick.)
Boy: Hey Mista... What are you doing?
Girl: Are you eating her face?
(Ganondorf and Impa stop, and they look upset.)
Ganondorf: Hey, beat it, kid!
Impa: Yeah, give us some privacy!
(They start making out again. The two kids run away.)
(A few minutes later, a big man returns with the two kids. He pokes Ganondorf on the shoulder.)
Ganondorf: WHAT? MY WIFE AND I ARE TRYING TO GET SOME PRIVACY!
Big Guy: Hey pal, why don't you get a room?
Impa: We have one, thank you!
Boy: There he is, daddy! The big scary green man who scared us!
Girl: And the ugly lady whose face he was eating!
Impa: UGLY?
Ganondorf: Hey pal, why don't you teach your kids some manners?
Big Guy: Look buddy! This is a public beach! I don't think 100 other beachcombers want to see you and your ugly lady making out, and ESPECIALLY in front of our kids!
Impa: UGLY?
Ganondorf: (leaps up) Hey! You quit calling my wife ugly, 'K? We are on our honeymoon, and we don't need ugly fat guys like you telling us where and where we can't make out!
Big Guy: You wanna make something of it?
Ganondorf: You first, your lardiness!
(The guy pulls back and punches Ganondorf hard in the face.)
Ganondorf: (dazed, singing) It's a long way to Tipperary!
(He falls over unconscious.)
Big Guy: (laughing) HAW! Guess that wuss wasn't so tough.
(The guy turns to see Impa, her eyes glowing purple with her Shadow Sage powers)
Impa: (scary voice) NO ONE CALLS MY HUBBY A WUSS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!
Big Guy: HOLY &$^%!
Boy: DADDY!
Girl: WAAAAAAAAAAA, I'm SCARED!
(Thunder crashes and lightning strikes, and everyone on the beach screams and runs away from the crazy Sheikah Sage.)
Big Guy: (picks up Ganondorf, dusts him off) Duh, duh... here ya go, lady! Good as new!
(He takes his hands away and Ganondorf falls over flat again)
Big Guy: Duh... yuh... Did I mention that your hair looks fabulous?
(He screams, grabs both his kids, and runs as fast as he can in the other direction.)
Impa: Jerk! You'd think HE owns this beach!
(She leans down and helps her husband up off of the ground. He has a beard of sand, and looks really dazed.)
Ganondorf: Huh? Wha- What happened?
Impa: You had a little scare. But you're OK now.
Ganondorf: Oh good. Hey, where did all the other beachcombers go?
Impa: I forgot to tell you, I got us a private beach!
Ganondorf: YAY! Let's make out some more!
Impa: Let's go swimming, first!
Ganondorf: OK. (looks sly.) LAST ONE THERE'S A STINKY GORON!
(He breaks off running)
Impa: (laughing) Hey, that's not fair!
(They run off into the waves, and start playing around.)
Ganondorf: YEOW! The water's cold!
Impa: BRRRR! Really cold!
Ganondorf: Guess what?
Impa: What?
(He grabs her, picks her up, and drops her in the water.)
Impa: AAAAAH!
Ganondorf: I can't help myself!
(Impa sits up in the water and grabs his leg. She pulls him over.)
Ganondorf: AIEEEE!
(SPLASH!)
Impa: Good, because I can't help myself either!
Ganondorf: Hey, ya wanna make out in the waves?
Impa: That sounds SO romantic!
(They start making out, and the tide slowly comes in, rising over their heads. A few seconds later, Impa stands up out of the water, coughing and hacking, and Ganondorf is patting her on the back.)
Impa: (gagging) AAACCK! AACCCK! ACCCK!
Ganondorf: OK, maybe we should go somewhere where you can breathe, Impa.
Impa: That (HACK!) would be a (COFF!) good idea...
Ganondorf: Wow, and in the movies, they make it look so cool.
Impa: Who says movie women don't have to breathe? AACK!
(Scene: Later that night, back in the hotel room. Impa is watching TV, and Ganondorf is making dinner)
Impa: It smells good, sweetheart!
Ganondorf: This is a special recipe that one of my family members taught me!
Impa: Oh, your mothers?
(Ganondorf sticks his head out of the kitchen. He is wearing a "Kiss the Chef" apron and wearing a classical chef's hat. He breaks down sobbing)
Ganondorf: MOMMY! MOMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAA!
Impa: Oh honey! I'm sorry.
(She gets up and pats him gently on the back. He sobs into her shoulder.)
Impa: It must be hard for you adjusting to your mother and your mother getting married to a new guy.
Ganondorf: I miss my REAL daddy! WAAAAAAA!
Impa: (sighs) Honey, your real daddy loves you!
Ganondorf: (sobbing) How do you know? You don't even know who my real daddy is.
Impa: (taken aback) Well... uh... actually, that's right. I don't think anyone knows who your real daddy is.
Ganondorf: (lies down on the bed) It all started when I was born...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The Other Risk-é Part Of The Fic)
(flashback! Scene: The Gerudo Fortress. A pregnant Gerudo woman is lying in bed, screaming. A nurse stands next to the bed)
Nurse: Now come on, Charlotte! You need to push!
Charlotte (Ganondorf's Mommy): AAAAAAAHHHH! GODDESSES! LET IT END NOW! LET IT END!
Nurse: Now, don't say that!
Charlotte: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! WHERE IS THAT NO GOOD HUSBAND OF MINE?
(Outside the room in another room of the fortress, pacing around, is Ganondorf's daddy. Unfortunately, a hanging TV set covers his face.)
Ganondorf's Daddy: Oh man! Oh man! Oh man!
Koume: (sitting on the couch, knitting) You need to calm down.
Kotake: That's right! After all, Charlotte is our sister, and you don't see US pacing around and screaming!
Ganondorf's Daddy: (moves out from behind TV, but a Gerudo carrying a large potted plant walks out and covers his face) Oh no! I hope it's a boy! I hope!
(Back inside)
Charlotte: AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUUUUUUUUT!
Nurse: Here it is!
Charlotte: GET THAT %&$%^&* BRAT OUT OF ME!
Nurse: It's a boy!
Baby Ganondorf: (screaming bloody murder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BABY, VERY WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Ganondorf's Daddy and the Twinrova sisters run into the room. A nurse carrying a large bedpan runs by, blocking his face.)
Ganondorf's Daddy: Charlotte, you did it!
Koume: Oh, baby sister! We finally have a niece!
Nurse: No, a nephew!
Kotake: WOW! Our nephew is going to be the King of Thieves!
Both: SWEET!
Ganondorf's Daddy: I'm so proud! I shall call him GANONDORF! It is a proud, Gerudo name!
Nurse: He looks very healthy.
Ganondorf's Daddy: (standing behind a coat rack) So, let's see him.
(He picks up Baby Ganondorf, and screams.)
Ganondorf's Daddy: GOOD GRIEF! He's hideous!
Koume: Look, Kotake! He has our mother's skin color!
Kotake: He's so cute!
(Ganondorf's Daddy throws the baby back onto his mother's lap.)
Charlotte: (weakly) Come on, hold your son!
Ganondorf's Daddy: I HAVE NO SON!
(He stomps out of the room.)
Charlotte: Oh Harold! (breaks down crying) WAAAAAAAAA!
(Suddenly, Charlotte flat-lines, and the nurse looks down sadly.)
Nurse: I'm sorry... Her acne finally caught up with her.
Koume: You mean...
Kotake: She's... gone?
Nurse: Yes... (suddenly cheerful) Well, he's your son now! Congratulations, invite me to the briss!
(She hands Kotake baby Ganondorf, and runs out of the room.)
(Koume and Kotake stare at each other blankly.)
Koume: Um... Kootchy-kootchy koo?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(End of flashback. Ganondorf is sobbing on the bed.)
Impa: Oh pumpkin! You never really knew your daddy, did you?
Ganondorf: (wailing) And it turns out, "Ganondorf" means "Turns Into A Pig Dinosaur Goat Thingy" in Gerudo! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Impa: Oh, sweetie. Don't worry. I'm here now, everything's going to be OK.
Ganondorf: I know... (sniffle) I'm so glad I met you, Impa.
Impa: Me too, honey.
Ganondorf: I feel safe with you, Impa. You have a gentle touch.
Impa: 17 years of nanny-hood will do that to you.
(He cries for a little while more, and then suddenly sits up, looking perky.)
Ganondorf: (perky) Hey, ya wanna make out?
Impa: (giggles) OK!
(Scene: The next night, downtown. Ganondorf and Impa have decided to go clubbing for a little bit.)
Ganondorf: Boy, it sure is cold out.
Impa: You really don't want to go, do you, sweetie?
Ganondorf: Well... I always thought clubbing and gambling were for SECOND honeymoons.
Impa: Aw, come on! Clubbing is an ancient Sheikah honeymoon tradition!
Ganondorf: SHEIKAH TRADITION?
Impa: Uh huh. For centuries, Sheikah couples have gone clubbing on their honeymoons.
Ganondorf: | Boy, them Sheikahs are pretty wild party animals... |
Impa: This looks like a nice spot! The Koo-Koo Klub!
Ganondorf: (reading sign on door) "Free Drinks For The Ladies! Karaoke Contests Nightly! Fights, Fights, Fights!"
Impa: Wow! What a joint! Let's go, sweetie!
(She grabs him by the arm and drags him into the club. The whole place is filled with couples, dancing, drinking, and in the corner is a small stage for Karaoke)
Ganondorf: I don't like this...
Impa: (grabs a soda from the bar) Oh come on, Ganondorf! You were an Evil King of the World, and you can't handle a nightclub?
Ganondorf: (stammering) Uh, well... uh, no! I can do it! HEY BARTENDER! Gimme a martini!
Bartender: Sorry, bud. We don't serve alcohol.
Ganondorf: Huh? What kind of a bar doesn't serve alcohol?
Bartender: Well ya see, we USED to serve it. But this afternoon, a couple of girls came in and demanded that we put away all of our alcohol for just one night, and serve only non-alcoholic soft drinks.
Ganondorf: OK, I'll have a Pep-
Bartender: NOOOOO! (screams, leaps over bar, and covers Ganondorf's mouth.)
Ganondorf: (mumbling into the Bartender's hand) What did I do?
Bartender: (whispering) If we use brand names for the drinks, we'll have our pants sued off! So, you can't order unless you do not use any brand names.
Impa: Jeez, the authors are already getting sued for so many things in this fic. Why can't they just say the heck with it and let us use brand names?
Bartender: Beats me, they just can't.
Ganondorf: All right, I'll have a... uh... Cola.
Bartender: Good job. Sure thing, coming right up.
(He hands Ganondorf a glass full of brown soda. Ganondorf takes a sip and spits it out immediately)
Ganondorf: (disgusted) PHHOOOOO! YUCK! GROSS! What is that? That's not Cola!
Bartender: Well, we were a little short on money when we had to take all of the alcohol ads down from the bar, so we couldn't afford legal fees if we used the brand name soda's formulas.
Ganondorf: So... you made your own soda?
Bartender: WRONG! We used their soda and mixed stuff in with it! You have a "Sweet N' Low-la Cola Kaboom" right there!
Ganondorf: Uh, that's OK, I'll use the drinking fountain.
Impa: So then, what am I drinking?
Bartender: We call that a "Lemon-Lime Double-Time Cocoa-Blaster Drink-It-Faster Chocolate Mocha Combo Split with Banana Juice".
Impa: (gags and spits a mouthful of soda, spraying Ganondorf) EW! Banana Juice in Lemon-Lime? That is SICK!
Ganondorf: "Ancient Sheikah Tradition", huh?
Impa: (grumbles) Well, we can dance.
Ganondorf: Good idea.
(They walk out on the dance floor. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gainer is playing)
Impa: Come on, big boy. Show me what you got.
Ganondorf: I'm really not a good dancer, Impa...
Impa: Oh, come on!
Ganondorf: Well, OK.
(He hops out on the floor and starts doing the disco. He hits the ground and break dances, then hops up and starts screaming out the words as he shakes his groove thing)
Ganondorf: I'M STAYIN' ALIVE! I WILL SURVIVE!
Impa: (gasps) You're incredible!
(He continues for about five more seconds, and the song starts to fade.)
Ganondorf: Aw, man! They messed up my groove!
(A bar-worker comes out and speaks into a microphone just as the song ends)
Announcer: Hey all you Cool Cats out there, grab your Lucky Ladies and hike it out to the dance floor, cause it's time for the nightly "Dance-O-Rama Call-Yer-Mama Shake-Yer-Groove-Thang Mania" dance contest! The best dancing couple will win a fabulous mystery prize! So, get movin', and the prize patrol will search for the pair who are groovin'!
("Zoot Suit Riot" by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies plays)
Ganondorf: May I have this dance?
Impa: Certain- AAAAAAAAAH!
(Ganondorf grabs her, and swings her wildly into his arms.)
Impa: OW! I cracked my neck!
Ganondorf: Sorry, dear.
Impa: (looks around) Wow, there are a lot of people here. And they're all dancing better than us!
Ganondorf: I can fix that. Oh, but before we do...
Impa: What?
Ganondorf: You might need this.
(He pulls a neck brace out of his pocket)
Impa: No way! I wanna win!
Ganondorf: If you say so...
Impa: I'm not a wuss, baby. I can take a little punish-MEEEEEEEEEENT! AAAAAAHHHHH!
(Ganondorf swings her around, then flips her up into the air)
Impa: YOU PSYCHO!
Ganondorf: Aw, come on Impa! We'll never win with that attitude!
Impa: (looks sly) Hmm... well, OK.
(She grabs him, swings him around, and flips him up into the air.)
Ganondorf: That's the spi-RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
(The other dancers stop to watch the couple who appear to be having the most fun. Kafei and Anju have showed up on the dance floor, visiting a club on THEIR honeymoon.)
Anju: Oh Kafei! You really know how to shake me up!
Kafei: GO DADDY!
(He flips her around, and they suddenly hear screaming nearby)
Anju: What is that?
Kafei: I think it's...
(Impa, who is flying through the air, knocks into Kafei and sends him and Anju flying across the room just as Ganondorf catches her)
Both: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!
Ganondorf: HAHA! Take THAT if you think you dance better than the Dragmires!
(Honey and Darling make an appearance, both wearing flashy disco suits)
Honey: Come on, Darling! Let's kick their butts!
Darling: And we'll win while doing it too!
(they start dancing, and Ganondorf sees them)
Ganondorf: Oh, so you think you're all high and mighty? Well take THIS!
(He catches Impa, grabs both her hands, and swings her across the floor. Her left and right feet catch Honey and Darling in the head, knocking them both unconscious)
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo! You dance divinely! And you're so mean while doing it, too! Tee hee!
Announcer: Wow! I've never seen such reckless disregard for every other couple on the dance floor in all my life! The winners are... Ganondorf and Impa Dragmire!
Everyone Else: (unexcitedly) Yay.
Ganondorf: YEAH! Uh-huh! We're cool!
Impa: What's the prize?
Announcer: The prize is 2,385.83 Rupees! And a free limo ride to and from anywhere in the city!
Ganondorf: All right!
Impa: Great job, sweetie!
Ganondorf: So, what do you wanna do now?
Impa: Hey, I got an idea! Let's use our gift certificate to Chez Fan-Cé-Pants tonight, and we can use the limo ride to get there!
Ganondorf: Great idea! Let's head back to the room so we can change into something nicer.
Impa: Sounds good.
Bartender: Hey, that was great! You guys want a free pair of "Kiwi-Mimi-Grape-Surprise Sugar-sugar Shimmy Give a dog a Bone Named Jimmy"s?
Impa: (turns green) Uh, no thanks.
Ganondorf: (is already green, whispering) Come on, let's get outta here!
(As they are running out the door, they are stopped by Kafei and Darling, who are standing in the door way looking angry)
Kafei: Hey pal, you got a lot of nerve pushing us around like that!
Darling: My beautiful Honey was almost crushed by a bar table!
Ganondorf: Beautiful? My Impa is more beautiful than both of your girls put together!
Kafei: WHAT? Anju would win a beauty contest against that old silver-haired bat any day!
Ganondorf: BAT? BAT? My Impa is not a bat! She is the most beautiful and kind woman in the world, because she married a loser like me!
Darling: My Honey could beat both of your girls any day!
Ganondorf: Hardly likely. Compared to my Impy-Wuvvy, your girls look like rotting pond scum.
Kafei and Darling: POND SCUM?
Darling: Do you wanna start something?
Ganondorf: I think I do!
Impa: Oh no, not again!
Anju: Those boys! I don't understand them!
Honey: They are SO overprotective.
Ganondorf: (singing) Pond scum, pond scum, Honey and Anju are pond scum...
Kafei and Darling: THAT'S IT!
(The two boys leap on Ganondorf, sending him to the ground.)
Ganondorf: (being beaten to a bloody pulp) NO! OW! OW! I WAS KIDDING! OW! OW! NO, DON'T PUNCH ME! OW! OW! I'M A HEMOPHILIAC! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
(Scene: Outside the hotel. The pair is waiting for their limo to come pick them up. Ganondorf is wearing a black suit and bow tie with a black eye to match, and Impa is wearing a purple and black evening gown.)
Ganondorf: They should be here already!
Impa: Be patient, honey. We can look at the stars.
Ganondorf: I can't wait for dinner! I love fancy restaurants like the one we're going to.
Impa: Did your nose stop bleeding?
Ganondorf: I think it did. Finally!
Impa: I never knew you were a hemophiliac*. Why didn't you tell me?
Ganondorf: I don't know. I guess it was that you kinda expect your Evil King to be a tough fighter, not an anemic wimp.
{A/N: * A Hemophiliac is a medical term for people whose blood doesn't clot easily.}
Impa: I don't expect you to be anything you don't want to be, especially an Evil King. All I want you to be is my loving husband.
Ganondorf: Aw, that's sweet, Impa.
Impa: No, really. I think that you were forced into your career as an Evil King. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Ganondorf: I always wanted to be... a pastry chef...
Impa: A pastry chef?
Ganondorf: Yeah, you know! The guys who decorate the donuts at the bakery? Who do the icing on the cakes?
Impa: That's a great job! Why don't you look into it?
Ganondorf: Na, I like being a King. Not really an Evil one anymore, but still.
(He strikes a pose, and says in a low voice,)
Ganondorf: Hail to the King, Baby!
Impa: That's great! (giggles) Hey, here comes the limo!
(The limo pulls up, and Ganondorf helps Impa into the back. Then he gets in and shuts the door)
Driver: (through an intercom) Hello, and Welcome to Maui Limo Rentals! Where will I be driving you tonight?
Impa: To Chez Fan-Cé-Pants, please.
Driver: Uh... are you sure?
Ganondorf: Yes we're sure!
Impa: And take your time!
Driver: Well... uh, OK.
(The limo starts moving.)
Ganondorf: Hey, this is nice!
Impa: Ooh, Leather! It's really nice!
Driver: OK, we're here!
Ganondorf: (sits up) WHAT?
Driver: You didn't hear? I said, "OK, we're here!"
Impa: Huh? How did we get here so fast?
Ganondorf: No way! We can't possibly...
(He opens the door and sees the huge fancy restaurant, one block away from the hotel.)
Ganondorf: D'OH!
Impa: Uh, well... it's OK, we can use the ride back and go for a cruise around town.
Ganondorf: (grumbling) Oh, OK.
Driver: Have fun you two!
(They get out of the limo and Ganondorf escorts Impa inside the restaurant and up to the reservation desk.)
Guy At reservation Desk: Allo, welcome to Chez Fan-Cé-Pants! I am Fa'la-fel, your Maitre d'! Do you have a reservation?
Ganondorf: Yes, we got a gift certificate for our honeymoon.
Fa'la-fel: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Dragmire! Congratulations on your decision to tie zee knot! We have a table all ready for you!
(Fa'la-fel leads them to a small table for two, with candles and lots of forks, and a beautiful view of the city lights)
Impa: Oh Ganondorf! What a beautiful view!
Ganondorf: This will do nicely, Falafel.
Fa'la-fel: Uh, no. It's pronounced Fa'la-fel.
Ganondorf: OK, Falafel. Thank you!
(They sit down, and Fa'la-fel stands there for a little while.)
Ganondorf: AHEM!
Fa'la-fel: What?
Ganondorf: Falafel, I believe as a Maitre d', your job is to seat us.
Fa'la-fel: Oui? And it's Fa'la-fel.
Ganondorf: So SHOVE OFF!
Fa'la-fel: Oh, right.
(He runs off)
Impa: Wow, this is a nice restaurant!
Ganondorf: We'll see when the food comes out.
(A waiter walks up to the table and bows)
Waiter: Allo, I am Garcon, your waiter. Can I get you some drinks?
Impa: A bottle of your finest champagne, please.
Garcon: Oh! But Madame! I am so sorry! We were forced by two little girls to put all of our alcohol away just for tonight!
Ganondorf: But... it's not a honeymoon dinner without champagne!
Garcon: I am so sorry, Monsieur.
Impa: Please don't say you made your own...
Garcon: Alas! We have sparkling grape juice instead of champagne tonight!
Ganondorf: Thank goodness.
(Garcon disappears and shows up a little later with a bottle of sparkling grape juice.)
Garcon: Here you are Monsieur, Madame. Now, can I get you some appetizers?
Ganondorf: Hey, the Rocky Mountain Oysters sound good!
Impa: (chokes on her wine) WHAT?
Ganondorf: It says right here, "Rocky Mountain Oysters. Served with tomato catsup." And even though it's spelled "ketchup", they sound good to me!
Impa: (whispering) Sweetie, do you know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are?
Ganondorf: (innocently) No, what?
(She leans over and whispers in his ear)
Ganondorf: EWWWW! NO! GROSS! SICK! BLEEECH! AAAHHH! No, X that! X that! I don't want the Rocky Mountain Oysters!
Garcon: As you wish, Monsieur. Any appetizers for you at all?
Impa: The coconut fried shrimp, please.
Garcon: Oui, oui! Is that all?
Impa: That's all for now. Thank you, Garcon.
(He walks away and Ganondorf sighs)
Ganondorf: So they really aren't oysters?
Impa: No, they're not.
Ganondorf: I can't believe I almost ordered that! EW!
(A little while later, the shrimp arrives)
Impa: MM-MM! I love shrimp!
(She picks up a piece and sticks the whole thing in her mouth)
Impa: (chewing loud, spraying food) MM-MM! YUM! Good stuff!
(Garcon and Ganondorf are staring)
Impa: What?
Garcon: (tries not to gag) And now Monsieur, Madame. What would you like for your entrees?
Impa: I'll have the lobster, please.
Ganondorf: And I'll have the Escargot du Framage!
Impa: (chokes on her shrimp) What?
Ganondorf: Escargot du Framage. You know, it says "Lightly buttered escargot with a delicate cheese sauce"? That sounds good. I want it.
(Impa leans over and whispers in his ear)
Ganondorf: EWWW! Um, whoops. I mean, I'll have the lobster too.
Garcon: Oui. And you Monsieur, as a honeymoon couple, are entitled to one free French/English dictionary.
(He pulls one out of his pocket, and hands it to him.)
Ganondorf: Oh, thanks.
Impa: Well, there we go. Thank you, Garcon. And for the French/English dictionary.
Ganondorf: (attempting to read French) Murky, bow-coop!
Impa: That's "merci, beaucoup."
Ganondorf: Yeah, that too.
(Garcon runs off)
Ganondorf: He's certainly nice!
Impa: From now on, you'd better let me read the menu for you.
Ganondorf: OK, sounds good to me.
(Later, the couple is eating their entrees.)
Impa: This lobster is great! It's so sweet and tender!
Ganondorf: Really? Mine is crunchy.
Impa: (looks over at him questioningly, then sees what he's doing) ULP! Uh, Ganondorf?
Ganondorf: Yes?
Impa: You've never had seafood before, have you?
Ganondorf: No. Why?
Impa: Because you don't eat the shell of the lobster. You treat it like a chicken bone.
Ganondorf: Huh?
Impa: (eyes widen) Oh my Goddess. You EAT chicken bones?
Ganondorf: Why, don't you?
Impa: I'll be right back.
(She runs outside the restaurant, and brings back a really thick book)
Ganondorf: "Etiquette For The Uncivilized Pig".
Impa: Ignore the title hon, it's the only one they had left at the hotel bookstore.
Ganondorf: Thank you, sweetie! I'll treasure it always!
Impa: (sweetly) You're welcome.
(Later, Ganondorf has finally learned how to eat, and it is time for dessert)
Impa: I would like the cheesecake, Garcon.
Ganondorf: Me too. (dreamily) We can eat a pair of cheesecakes because we are a pair of lovebirds...
Impa: Oh Ganondorf!
(They start passionately making out, and Garcon sits there for a few seconds.)
Garcon: Excuse moi, but could you two please save it for somewhere where people are NOT eating?
(They ignore him)
Garcon: (yelling to someone in another room) PIERRE! BRING THE CROWBAR!
(Another waiter delivers a crowbar, and Pierre tries to pry them apart)
Garcon: No, no! You must do it like this!
(He bonks Ganondorf over the head, knocking him unconscious.)
Impa: AAH! You killed my husband!
Pierre: No we didn't! This crowbar is set on "Knock Out Cold", not "Kick The Bucket".
Impa: Oh. (she kicks him) GANNY-POO! WAKE UP!
Ganondorf: (sits up, groggy) Hi, this is Ganondorf! Please leave a message after the beep! BEEEEEP!
Impa: I can handle it. (leans over, speaks in a soft voice) Ganondorf sweetie, wake up! We're at Grandma's!
Ganondorf: (opens his eyes) Oh, hi Grandma! (regains senses) Huh? What happened? Did your kissing knock me out?
Impa: I think so, dearest. Our cheesecake is here!
Ganondorf: Oh, good.
(The waiter sets two plates of cheesecake in front of them, and they pick up two forks.)
Ganondorf: Impy-Wuvvy, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Impa: I think so, Ganny-Poo...
(They both load a forkful of cheesecake, and then feed each other)
Garcon: LE PUKE!
Pierre: LE PUKE!
Other Diners: LE PUKE!
Impa: Oh, come on! We did it at the wedding, we can do it on the honeymoon!
Ganondorf: Yeah, mind your own business!
Everyone Else: Sorry...
(BLEAH! Well, skipping that part, let's move on to about five minutes later)
Ganondorf: Oh, that was good! I'm stuffed!
Impa: And we don't have to wait for the bill, because dinner was free!
(They stand up and start to put on their coats, when Garcon shows up with a dish of candy)
Garcon: Ah Madame, Monsieur! You can't leave yet! You MUST try one of our special handmade after-dinner mints! It's our own special recipe!
Ganondorf: Oh, I LOVE mints!
Impa: Me too! Let's try some!
(They both take a mint, and eat it)
Ganondorf: Wow, that WAS a good mint! My mouth feels so clean, and my pallet is cleansed!
Impa: Yes, that was the perfect end to a perfect meal!
Garcon: (yelling to the chef) Hey Jean-Claude! These people love your new Kumquats N' Crème de Menthe mints!
Impa: (suddenly turns pale) KUMQUATS?
Garcon: Oui, we mix Kumquats in with the Crème de Menthe and they give it a nice texture!
Ganondorf: What's wrong, Impa?
Impa: I'm allergic to kumquats! DEADLY allergic to kumquats!
Ganondorf: Huh? AAAAAAHHHHH! IMPA! YOU ARE GETTING HIVES ON YOUR FACE!
Impa: OH MY GODDESS! SOMEONE CALL THE HOSPITAL!
(Ganondorf pulls out his cell phone and dials 911)
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Ganondorf: My wife just ate a kumquat after dinner mint, and she's DEADLY allergic to kumquats!
Operator: Where are you?
Ganondorf: I'm at Chez Fan-Cé-Pants! HURRY!
Impa: (dazed) Oh wow! I've never seen spots THAT color!
(She falls over)
Ganondorf: OH MY GODDESS! IMPAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Operator: Sir, I'm sorry. All of our ambulances are currently on duty. We will send one out as soon as it returns.
Ganondorf: We don't have time! She just collapsed!
Operator: Unless, of course, you could get her to the hospital...
Ganondorf: That's it!
(Scene: Outside. Ganondorf kicks open the door of the restaurant, and carries his beloved Impa outside to the limo)
Driver: Oh hello sir! Where will it be now?
Ganondorf: To the hospital, and QUICK!
Driver: Yes sir!
(He pulls a siren out of his glove compartment and sticks it on the roof. Then, the opens the door, and Ganondorf jumps in)
Ganondorf: STEP ON IT!
Impa: (dazed) I see skies of blue! Clouds of white! Blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh... aaaaaaaaaahhhhlalalalaaaaaa...
Ganondorf: Hold on sweetie! We'll be to the hospital in no time!
Impa: OK, Mr. President...
(Five minutes later, they reach the hospital and Impa is brought in on a stretcher)
Medic 1: We need 300 CC iodine, STAT!
Medic 2: Right away, doctor!
Ganondorf: My Goddess! Impa! Impa, can you hear me?
Impa: (mumbling)
Ganondorf: What?
Impa: (delirious) I DON'T HAVE YOUR MONKEY, YOU TELETUBBY POOP!
Ganondorf: (screaming) Doctor! Oh Goddesses, Doctor! Say she'll be all right! We just got married last week!
Medic 1: We're working on it, Mr. Dragmire!
Medic 3: Doctor, shall I get the Kumquat Reversal Solution?
Medic 1: Yes, and hurry! We need to go in!
Ganondorf: SAVE HER! SAAAAVE HER!
Medic 2: Mr. Dragmire, we ask that you please stay outside of the ER.
Ganondorf: But she's my WIFE!
(They disappear behind two double doors, and Ganondorf listens to what's going on)
Medic 1: She's going down!
Ganondorf: NOOOOOOO!
Medic 2: NO! NO! PULL UP!
Medic 3: OH GODDESSES! THE HUMANITY!
(Ganondorf shoves open the door to see all three medics watching "World's Biggest Plane Accidents" on TV, while Impa lies passed out on the stretcher)
Ganondorf: HELLOOOO? Could we work on saving my wife, here?
Medic 4: (from another room) But siw, I thought it was your bewoved wife who needed medicaw hewp!
Ganondorf: (scowling to camera) That joke was so corny, you'd think we were in a comedy here.
GG: (voice from offscreen) Well DUH!
Zel: (voice) What do you think we are, romance authors?
Both: (cracking up)
Ganondorf: I don't think it's funny!
Both: Oh, sorry.
Medic 1: Hey yeah! This guy is right! Maybe we would save more patients if we DIDN'T watch TV in the middle of their operations!
Medic 2: Wow! Who knew?
(The medics move over and start administering the Kumquat Reversal Solution. Slowly, the pulse goes up, and she opens her eyes)
Impa: G-G-Ganondorf? Is that you?
Ganondorf: Impa! Impa my darling! You're alive!
Impa: What happened?
(Suddenly, the monitor beeps, and Impa flat lines)
Ganondorf: (gasps) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(He faints, and Impa sits up.)
Impa: GANONDORF! MY DARLING! I DON'T WANT TO LEEEEEEAVE YOU! (she faints)
Medic 3: Whoops, well would ya look at that? I tripped over the monitor wire, and I pulled it out of its socket! Hey, she didn't really flat line at all! She's made a perfect recovery! That's kind of funny! I accidentally unplugged the monitor, and both of them passed out because he thought that his wife had died and she thought that she had died! AAAHAHAHAHAAA! Isn't that funny? Just a little? Guys, hey guys! Why isn't anyone listening to me? Hey, isn't it even funny at all?
Medic 1: Yeah, Joey, it's a real gas.
Medic 2: Hey, that actually IS funny!
(The medics all start laughing)
Medic 3: AAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA... hey, wait a minute!
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE ULTRA-CLEAN HONEYMOON CHAPTER! PART TWO! COMING SOON!
OK, I bet I confused you a little there with the restaurant. "Escargot" is the French word for snail, in case you didn't know, and Rocky Mountain Oysters... Well, uh... If I told you what those are, this fic would go from PG-13 to R. So, if you really, REALLY want to know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are, email me...
UH yeah... hahahaa... cool.