So I married an Evil King?
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By Sailor Zel and Galaxy Girl
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The Ultra Clean Honeymoon Chapter: Part Two
Hello! We're back again! Oh well, since GG's in Florida, Sailor Zel is
writing chapter 4! So enjoy and review! Thank you!
As usual, |......| = a character's thoughts.
Disclaimer: Wonderful people own TLOZ games, we are not some of them but if
we could we'd buy it from 'em!
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Narrator: Gannondorf sighed and walked out onto the balcony. The sun was
shining, the tropical birds were singing, and Impa was unconscious. She
hadn't quite recovered from her allergic reaction the night before.
He glanced down, the pool, it's surface glistening in the morning sun, looked
very inviting but it was no fun with Impa! Gannondorf groaned and plopped
down in a chair. The waves breaking on the white sands seemed to be calling
him.
Waves (a.k.a. the Narrator): Gannondorf! Gannondorf! Come make out with Impa
in me! You know you want to-
(Suddenly the narrator is attacked but an onslaught of oranges, apricots, and
bananas all stolen from the breakfast buffet downstairs.)
Narrator: OW!
GG: Ahem! None of that!
Zel: Consider this a warning!
GG: Hey! Wait a minute! What are we doing here!?
Zel: Attacking the narrator with fruit stolen from the breakfast buffet?
GG: No! Not that, aren't I supposed to be in Florida?
Zel: Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to be studying for my finals.
(Suddenly both authors disappear, GG reappears in Florida while Zel reappears
in her room with her backpack loaded with books, study guides and notes for
the finals.)
Zel: Oh crap!
Zel's mom: Are you studying for that BIG Science Final exam!
Zel: Yes Mom! (Grumbles, sits down and opens up her science book.)
~~~~~~~~ Back to the story now
Impa: Ganny-poo?
Gannondorf: Imppy-Wuvvy! You're awake!
Impa: My head hurts
Gannondorf: So darling, wanna get some breakfast!
Impa: (looking pale) No...(falls back into the pillows.)
Gannondorf: Oh, ok.
Impa: I'm sorry Ganny-poo.
Gannondorf: It's ok! I'll find something else to do! You just get some rest.
Impa: Ok, good night er, morning.
(Impa rolls over and falls asleep. Gannondorf stands there for a minute then
realizes he had absolutely no idea what to do with himself.)
A half an hour or so later, give or take ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Narrator: (still recovering from bruises caused by fast-moving fruit)
Gannondorf sat quietly on the beach all by his lonesome. A couple ran by,
holding hands. Gannondorf looked at the pretty red designs on his towel and
ignored the couple.
Girl: OH! Honey! This is the best honeymoon ever!
Guy: Yes it is!
(The couple runs off then)
SPLAT!
(The couple trips over a piece of driftwood and fall flat on their faces.)
Gannondorf: This is no fun.
(Suddenly a postman runs up.)
Postman-dude: Are you (pant) Gannondorf (pant) Dragmire?
Gannondorf: Yes, I am.
Postman-dude: I have a (pant) letter for (pant) you.
Gannondorf: Oh really! Where's it from?
Postman-dude: The (pant) postbox
Gannondorf: The Postbox where?
Postman-dude: The (pant) postbox (pant) somewhere! Oh man!
Gannondorf: Yo postman-dude, you okay?
Postman-dude: (moans) must (pant) deliver (pant) letter! Take (pant) it!
(Gannondorf takes the letter from the exhausted postman's hand.)
Gannondorf: Thanks.
Postman-dude: You're (pant) welcome! (passes out from exhaustion and lack of
oxygen.)
(Gannondorf opens the letter.)
Dear Newly married Dude and Dudette,
I am Mike! And I like, run the Maui Boat Rentals. And we got some wicked cool
boats, man! They totally kick a$$! So like, come by and like rent one for
like a week or so. (letter stops for a minute) Whoa! I totally forgot to breathe for a minute
there! Wow, I almost died! Wanna hear a story about cereal? And
hotdogs? Oh yeah! So like come by and rent a kick a$$ boat, ok! Cool, man!
~ Mike, proud owner of Maui Boat Rentals for six and a half months
DUE TO ZEL'S BEING ON VACATION AND GG'S RETURNING FROM BEING ON HER VACATION, THE REST OF THIS CHAPTER OF SO I MARRIED AN EVIL KING WILL BE WRITTEN BY GALAXY GIRL. ALSO, IT WILL INSTITUTE AN ALTERNATE SPELLING THAT WE STILL CAN'T AGREE ON. TRUST ME, YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT PRETTY QUICK.
Ganondorf: (scratches chin) Saaaaay... A kick a$$ boat, huh? That's not a bad idea... Maybe when Impa gets better tomorrow, we can go to Maui Boat Rentals and rent a kick a$$ boat!
(He smiles and sets the letter down)
Ganondorf: (frowning) Which leaves me with the task of figuring out what I am going to do today.
(Suddenly, he hears someone squealing out the lyrics to "MAN, I Feel Like a Woman" from the hotel activity center)
Ganondorf: Holy peaches and cream, what is that horrible gut-wrenching sound?
(He heads to the activity center to see what it is)
Narrator: Ganondorf made his way to the hotel activity center to find out the source of the terrible noise. To his horror, he found it to be a squeaky voiced teen singing a Shania Twain medley in a (GASP! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN...) AMATEUR KARAOKE CONTEST!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: (singing terribly) OOO-OH OH OHHHHH, totally crazy! I forget I'm a lay-day! Men's shirts, short skirts... OOO-OH OH OHHHHHH, really go wild, yeah you in... uh... something, blaaah!
Ganondorf: Good grief, that is the most horrible thing I have ever heard!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Hey, if you don't like it Mister, you do better! Uh, where was I? Oh yeah... COME ON OVER, COME ON IN! Pull up a seat, take a load off yer feet!
Ganondorf: All right you little punk, I WILL do better! I WILL sing better than you and win myself that mystery grand prize! I'll do it for my fallen bride Impa, who is upstairs recuperating from her horrible kumquat encounter that nearly cost her her life!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: Aw man, you threw off my groove!
Ganondorf: Ah, bite me! I'll be back in five minutes, with my ACT!
Narrator: So, the lonely and angry Evil King raced back to his hotel room to find his costume and CD in order to take on the squeaky voiced teen in the ultimate battle: KARAOKE!
Ganondorf: Let's see... this will do nicely...
Impa: Ganny-Poo? What are you doing here?
Narrator: Suddenly, Impa woke up!
GG: (voice) Uh, enough with the obvious statements, all right?
Zel: Yeah dude, we're not stupid.
Narrator: Oh, sorry.
Ganondorf: BWAAAA! Uh... Impy-Wuvvy, I thought you were asleep!
Impa: No, I'm up... I feel terrible...
Ganondorf: Aw sweetie, allergy medication will do that to you.
Impa: Not that... (moans) I look terrible!
Ganondorf: No you don't!
Impa: Yes I do! I haven't brushed my hair or put on my make-up, and my clothes are all wrinkled... I'm hideous!
Ganondorf: Oh sweetheart, you'll always be beautiful to me, just as beautiful as that sweet young Sheikah girl I married just last week!
Impa: (sits up) You really think so?
(She sits up in bed to reveal a hideously ugly slightly green face with running eye shadow and mascara, and her old clothes which are wrinkled and mangled)
Ganondorf: (makes a sweet face) | Oh my Goddess... she's hideous! | Yes, you really are beautiful.
Impa: (sighs) It's so wonderful knowing that I have a husband who loves me no matter how ugly I am...
Ganondorf: Yes, well, tomorrow, if you're feeling better, I figured we could go to Maui Boat Rentals and rent a nice boat and go on our own cruise.
Impa: Uh... OK. That sounds nice.
Ganondorf: All right. Well, you just go on back to sleep, and later if you feel better we can order in Thai food.
Impa: Mmmm... I like Thai food...
Ganondorf: You just get some rest, sweet heart. I'll go down to the activity center and play some Pac-Man.
(He sneaks out of the room, just as Impa starts snoring again)
Narrator: Meanwhile, back in the activity center, the poor audience was being subjected to the ultimate horror: A perky blonde singing David Lee Roth's "California Girls"! Er, the perky blonde, not David Lee Roth.
Blonde Girl: (in a cheerleader outfit, squeaky and hyper) I LIKE, WISH THEY ALL COULD LIKE, BE CALIFORNIA GIIIIIRLS! I WIIISH THEY LIKE, ALL COULD BE LIKE, CALIFORNIA GIIIIIRLSSS!
Host: (wakes up, snorts) Huh? Ohhh... OK, let's give a big hand for Jessica Smith!
Jessica: I like, love you all so like, so much!
Host: OK, let's give a big hand for our next contestant, Gan-
Jessica: I'll like, be in like, the lobby so I can like, meet all my like, totally hot guy fans, like, cool, yaaaah, whatever, dude!
Host: Our next host Ganon-
Jessica: I like, am here until like, next week so like, come see me, like, especially if you're like, hot!
Host: I said GIVE A BIG HAND FOR JESSICA SMITH! NOW LEAVE!
Jessica: AS IF! Um, like... BYE?
(She runs off)
Host: Good grief. OK, let's all put our hands together for our next contestant. He comes here all the way from Gerudo Valley, Hyrule, and he enjoys walks in the park, taking over the world, and spending time with his lovely wife Impa Zappa Dragmire. They're here on their HONEYMOON!
Audience: Yay.
Host: Let's put our hands together for Ganondorf Dragmire!
(Everyone claps. Ganondorf comes out wearing a tough, biker-looking outfit and a red bandana.)
Ganondorf: (looking tough) Yaaaaah, I'm here to get a prize for my sweetheart! Yaaah, get ready to rock everyone!
Audience: Yay.
Ganondorf: OK, here we go...
(Heavy guitar chords open up the song, and suddenly, the music slows down and turns to a soft 70's rock song. Ganondorf pulls a slide-show screen out of the back room and sets up a projector. He turns on the first slide, a picture of Impa while she was asleep one night)
Ganondorf: I wanna tell you a story about my favorite little gal in the world! She's my beauty, my darling, my dear sweet beloved wife, IMPA ZAPPA DRAGMIRE!
(He dances for a minute, then changes the slide to a picture of Impa on the BBD show, singing on a stage)
Ganondorf: (To the tune of Edison Lighthouse's "Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes")
She ain't got no money
Her clothes are kinda funny
Her hair is kinda wild and free!
(The slide changes to a picture of Impa beating up Ganondorf)
Ganondorf:
Oh, but
Love grows where Impa Zappa goes!
And nobody knows... like me!
(A pic of Impa and Ganon on their first date)
She talks kinda lazy
And people say she's crazy
And her life's a mystery...
Oh But
Love grows where Impa Zappa goes!
And nobody knows... like me!
(A lovely picture of the happy couple running away from Hyrule Home for the Constitutionally Challenged)
There's something about her hand over mine
It's a feeling that's fine
And I just gotta say!
She's really got a magical spell
And it's working so well
That I can't get away!
(Pic of Impa and Ganondorf kissing at their wedding)
I'm a lucky feller
And I just gotta tell her
That I love her endlessly!
(Pic of Ganondorf and Impa dancing at the reception)
Because
Love grows where Impa Zappa goes!
And nobody knows... like me!
(He starts shaking his butt and singing very loudly. The picture changes to a wedding picture of the couple and the wedding party)
There's something about her hand over mine!
It's a feeling that's fine!
And I just gotta say!
She's really got a magical spell
And it's working so well
That I can't get away!
(Pic flips to Impa zonked out on the couch the night after the wedding)
I'm a lucky feller
And I just gotta tell her
That I love her endlessly!
(He changes the picture to Impa and him riding off into the sunset on their honeymoon camel)
Because
LOOOOVE GROWS where Impa Zappa goes!
And nobody KNOOOOOOOOOOOOWS... Like MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(The song fades out as Ganondorf ends his show in a fabulous display of dance, song, and a pair of sparklers in his hands)
LOVE KEEPS GROWING EVERY PLACE SHE'S BEEN!
AND NOBODY KNOWS LIKE ME!
IF YOU'VE MET HER YOU WILL NEVER FORGET HER
AND NOBODY KNOWS LIKE ME!
(The slide turns to a picture of Impa with scribbly pink crayon hearts drawn on it.)
Ganondorf: I love you, Impa Zappa Dragmire!
(Everyone bursts into cheers and applause, and Ganondorf takes a bunch of bows)
Ganondorf: Thank you, and thank you, and thank you, and thank you over there in the corner, and thank you...
(The audience crowds the stage. An old woman and an old man come stand next to Ganondorf)
Old Lady: Sonny, that was the most beautiful crappy Karaoke performance ever!
Old Man: It reminds me of when Agnes and I were young like you...
Old Lady: And wildly in love like you... not hardly putting up with each other like so many people these days.
Ganondorf: I'm not that young. I'm 35.
Old Lady: It was beautiful. Where is this young lady of yours?
Old Man: We want to tell her that she has found the sweetest guy in the world!
Ganondorf: Thanks... but she's up in our room unconscious right now, because she ate a dinner mint with kumquats, and she's really allergic to kumquats. I wish she could have heard me!
Impa: GANNY-POO!
Ganondorf: Huh?
(He turns to see Impa standing in the doorway, looking good as new)
Impa: Ganondorf! That was beautiful!
Ganondorf: But sweetheart... how did you get up out of bed, walk out to the elevator, travel down 70 floors to the lobby, hobble across the hot sand on the beach, make your way to the activity center, and stand in the doorway to watch my performance when you are so deadly ill?
Impa: I felt better once I took my medicine.
Ganondorf: You didn't take your medicine until five seconds ago?
Impa: Uh... anyway, I wanted to see where you were going. So I came here, and watched that beautiful tribute to me!
Ganondorf: You liked it?
Impa: LIKED IT? I've never been so happy to have a man sacrifice himself upon the altar of dignity in front of me to show everyone how much he loves me!
Ganondorf: (puzzled) It's happened before?
Impa: Uh... no, but still, it was gorgeous!
Ganondorf: I'm glad you liked it. These leather pants are chafing my...
(He is smacked in the head by a microphone on a wire. He turns to see GG and Zel standing there, frowning)
Ganondorf: OWWWW! I was going to say heiny!
GG: Oh, sure. We haven't heard that one before.
Zel: Watch the slang words, buster!
GG: Oh, and also...
(Both of them break down crying)
Zel: THAT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING WE'VE EVER SEEN!
GG: THAT WAS SO SWEET! SWEETER THAN PATRICK VERONA SINGING "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE" TO KAT STRATFORD IN FRONT OF HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE IN "10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU"!
Zel: I WISH HEATH LEDGER WOULD DO THAT FOR ME!
GG: ME TOO!
Zel: It was gorgeous!
GG: Spectacular!
Zel: Magnificent!
GG: Exquisite!
Zel: Sublime!
GG: Superb!
Zel and GG: THAT WAS WONDERFUL! WAAAAAAA!
Zel: Where's all the guys who do that for ME?
GG: Yeah, or ME?
Zel and GG: WAAAAA!
(They walk away, sobbing into hankies and bemoaning the insensitivity of boys they know. Ganondorf and Impa stare puzzled at each other.)
Impa: That was weird.
Ganondorf: I'll say.
Impa: But still... thank you so much! That was the most beautiful honeymoon gift ever!
Ganondorf: You're welcome.
Impa: Hey, let's go check out those boat rentals! Let's get a sailboat!
Ganondorf: Yeaaah...
Host: Hey wait! Dude! You forgot your prize!
Ganondorf: Oh yeah, what's our prize?
Host: It's none other than... ONE FREE DINNER AT THE CHEZ FAN-CE-PANTS RESTAURANT!
Impa: WHAT? AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!
Host: Uh... what?
Impa: I ate there once, and it was wonderful... until they tried to poison me with their dinner mints!
Ganondorf: Could we exchange it for something?
Host: Sure. Anything in the hotel gift shop.
Impa: That's fine. What do you want, honey?
Ganondorf: Uh... Hmm... I'll think about it. I'll come and pick it up later.
Host: OK then, take this prize claim form, and come back when you want it.
Ganondorf: All righty then... HEY, LET'S GO SEE THE BOATS NOW!
Impa: YEAH!
Narrator: And so, the happy couple's search for honeymoon entertainment brings them to the office of Mike P. Brown, a disgustingly mild-mannered idiot who makes his living renting out boats and beachcombing.
Mike: (snoring)
(Impa and Ganondorf walk into the office)
Impa: Uh... hello? Is anyone here?
Ganondorf: Oh, there he is.
(They walk over and start poking Mike)
Impa: HELLO?
Ganondorf: Hey, wake up, Mister!
Mike: (snorts) Uh... Whoa, dude, I'm awake, I'm awake!
Ganondorf: You must be Mike.
Mike: Uh... yeah dude, that's me, Mike B., Owner of Maui Boat Rentals for six months now, dude.
Impa: We'd like to a rent a boat.
Mike: Dude, that's like cool dude, cause like dude, I rent out boats, and that like means that I'm gonna like get some business, dude!
Ganondorf: Uh... yeah, we know you rent boats.
Impa: That's why we're here.
Mike: Oh dude, cool. Yeah uh... sure, uh... Oh yeah. What kind of boat do you want, dude and dudette?
Ganondorf: A speed boat!
Impa: No way, we want a sailboat!
Mike: Dude, that's like, weird cause I just got in two new speed sail boat! They're like, sail boats with like, a motor on 'em!
Impa: Hey, I want one of those!
Ganondorf: Yeah, a speed sail boat!
Mike: OK dudes, first, before I rent you the like, boat, you like, have to watch this informative like, safety video, dudes.
Impa: Umm... OK, that's fine.
(Mike sets a TV/VCR system on the desk, and slips in a video, which is reinacted here.)
(Cheesy 50's info video music)
Announcer: BOATING AND YOU.
(The screen shows two happy couples heading out in a pair of boats)
Announcer: Say, all you happy people! What are you doing?
Guy 1: Me and my brother Doofus and our girlfriends Donna and Ditzy are going on a nice boat ride!
Donna: Oh Doug, are you ready to get in the boat?
Doug: I sure am, Donna! Here, let me help you in!
Announcer: That brings up a good point, Doug. Gentlemen, always help your ladies into the boat gently.
Doofus: Duh, OK Ditzy! Come on!
Ditzy: OK, Doofus!
(Ditzy attempts to get in the boat, but Doofus pulls her in hard, and she falls in the water)
Ditzy: Oh noooo!
Announcer: Oh Doofus, you're supposed to be nice to your gal!
Doofus: Duh, sorry Ditzy.
(He looks in the water to see that Ditzy is struggling to swim)
Ditzy: EEK!
Announcer: Oh no, you two! Don't you know that you're supposed to fasten your life preservers BEFORE you get near the boat?
Doofus: Oops.
(Donna and Doug fasten their life preservers and Doug helps Donna into the boat)
Doug: Here you go, Donna!
Donna: Oh, thank you Doug!
Doug: It's no problem, Donna! Now, let's just remember to have fun:
Donna and Doug: And play it safe!
Announcer: Good boy, Doug! Now, be very careful, and have fun, you two!
Donna and Doug: Bye!
(They sail away, just as Doofus and Ditzy get in the boat)
Doofus: OK, we're in the boat! Now what do we do?
Announcer: Well, pull in the sheets on the sail and then you're off!
(Ditzy pulls in the sail, and the iron pole on the sailboat comes swinging in, knocking Doofus off the boat)
Doofus: OOF!
Announcer: Oh Ditzy... Tell people to watch out when you are moving the boom!
Ditzy: Oops, sorry!
Announcer: Let's check on Donna and Doug and make sure they're doing OK!
(Donna and Doug are sailing gently. Suddenly, a large, fake looking shark comes out of the lake)
Donna: Oh no! A shark!
Doug: It's OK Donna. This is a freshwater lake. Sharks cannot survive here.
(The shark turns over on its back, and we see a large wooden stick which is holding up the paper shark)
Announcer: Good for you, Doug. It's always good to know the local wildlife!
(The wind begins to pick up, and we see a fan blowing on the water)
Announcer: Uh oh! Looks like the water is getting rough!
Donna: Here Doug, let's make sure our life preservers are tied up tight!
(The fan turns off, and the water calms down)
Doug: Oh good! There now. If there had been an accident, we would have called out each others name to make sure that we were OK, and then we would have flipped the boat back over and continued sailing!
Donna: That's right Doug.
Announcer: Uh oh, looks like Doofus and Ditzy are off in their boat!
Doofus: OH NO! LOOK DITZY, A SHARK!
Ditzy: AAGGGH!
Announcer: Oh dear! If only you two knew not to panic in a boat!
(The boat flips over)
Ditzy: Oh no, my hair!
Doofus: Look Ditzy, a REAL shark!
Ditzy: AAAH! It's a freshwater shark!
Announcer: Now, don't panic, you two! If you panic, the shark is sure to get you!
(The camera turns to Doug and Donna sailing calmly, and then to a paper shark with a scrap of Doofus's shirt hanging out of its mouth)
Announcer: So remember: The next time you go boating, be sure that you have fun, and also:
Doug and Donna: PLAY IT SAFE!
(The tape shorts out. Mike removes it from the VCR)
Mike: OK, did you dudes get all that?
Ganondorf: Yep.
Impa: We'll be good.
Mike: All right, dudes. So, uh, which boat do you want?
Ganondorf: What do we have to pick from?
Mike: Well, there's like, the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS" and the "BRAND NEW ULTRA COOL SUPER DUPER GOOD BOAT". Which one do you like, want?
Impa: Uh... can we see the boats?
Ganondorf: We'll take the first one!
Impa: Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: What? I like the name!
Mike: OK dudes, so like, uh, one day's rental of the speed sail boat "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS" comes to, like... uh, it comes to 50 bucks.
Impa: Um... we only have these.
(She and Ganondorf show him all their Rupees)
Mike: Um... let me like, see.
(He logs onto a small computer to Rupeechanger.com)
Mike: Uh, dude, that'll be like, uh, 5 Rupees.
Ganondorf: Hey, what a great exchange rate!
Impa: That's cool. Here's our 5 Rupees!
Mike: OK dudes, like, let's go out to the dock.
(Scene: The dock. Mike hands Ganondorf and Impa a pair of life jackets)
Mike: OK dudes, let's like come over here, dude and dudette...
(He shows them a brand new beautiful sailboat with a motor on one end.)
Mike: Like, behold the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS".
Impa: THAT is the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS"? It's gorgeous!
Ganondorf: OK then, where's the "BRAND NEW ULTRA COOL SUPER DUPER NEW BOAT"?
Mike: Like dude, that's my own personal boat and it's like, over there.
(He shows them a tiny ugly sailboat with a broken down motor. The boat is old and moldy, with holes in the bottom.)
Ganondorf: Er... we'll stick with the "BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP ON THE SEAS".
Impa: Thank you, Mike!
Mike: No like, problem, dudes. Just bring her back when you're done.
(Mike goes back inside to watch "Saved By the Bell" and Ganondorf and Impa put on their life jackets)
Ganondorf: After you, my precious angel!
Impa: Thank you, my big studly man.
(She hops in the boat, and Ganondorf goes in after her)
Ganondorf: Now we'll just put out the sails, and then we'll be set!
(They unlock the sails and drift off towards the center of the bay)
An hour or so later, give or take...
(Scene: The middle of the ocean)
Impa: This is so much fun!
Ganondorf: I know! This is so relaxing!
Impa: Mm... the water is so nice and smooth!
Ganondorf: Hey, are you getting hungry?
Impa: Yes! I'm starved!
Ganondorf: Yeah, me too!
Impa: Let's turn back to the dock. It's almost sunset!
Ganondorf: OK.
(He looks around)
Ganondorf: Uh... where IS the dock?
Impa: It was right over there. That way. Or... or was it that way?
Ganondorf: Uh...
Impa: OH NO! WE'RE LOST!
Ganondorf: No, no, calm down, Impy-Wuvvy, we're not lost!
Impa: Then where's the dock?
Ganondorf: Uh... look Impy, there it is right there!
Impa: Where?
(He points to a sandbar not too far away)
Impa: Oh good! I was really worried there for a second!
(Ganondorf steers the boat over to the sandbar, and they land)
Ganondorf: Uh oh, the boat's stuck in this sand bar!
Impa: Hey, this doesn't look too familiar...
Ganondorf: Uh... maybe I was mistaken... Er...
Impa: WE'RE LOST! AAAAAAAGH, WE'RE LOST! I'M GOING TO DIE A NEWLYWED! NOOOO!
Ganondorf: Impy, calm down! Don't scream! What if there are wild animals here?
Impa: WILD ANIMALS? OOOOOH NOOOOO! GANNY-POO, I'm SCARED!
Ganondorf: Now, now, sweetheart! Don't worry! If we don't find the way back before nightfall, I'll use my superpowers to project an SOS message so they'll know we're here!
Impa: OK... I'm scared!
Ganondorf: Oh, come get a hug, sweetie...
(He gives her a hug)
Ganondorf: It's all right, someone will find us!
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo...
(Suddenly, they hear a rustling in the bushes.)
Impa: Wh-wh-what was that?
Ganondorf: I don't know...
(They hear a big growl, and Ganondorf leaps into Impa's arms Scooby-Doo style)
Impa and Ganondorf: AAAAAAAHHHHH!
(A hairy man walks out of the bushes carrying a small white object)
Man: Oh Wilson... I'm so hungry!
Ganondorf: AAAGH! WHO ARE YOU?
Man: Huh? Visitors! Oh Wilson, we never get visitors here!
Impa: Uh... excuse me? We got lost and now we're stranded on this island. Can you help us?
Man: Oh dear! I'm stuck on this island too, I've been here for 3 and 15/16 years!
Ganondorf: Hey, I know you! You're Tom Hanks!
Man: No I'm not. I'm Chuck! This is my buddy Wilson!
Impa: (whispering in Ganondorf's ear) Weren't they in a movie?
Chuck: (holds Wilson up to his ear) Huh? What's that, Wilson? Wilson wants to know where you came from.
Ganondorf: We're both from Hyrule, but we're staying at the Hotel La Smooché on our honeymoon!
Chuck: Aah... Maui... Well, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know any way off of this island.
Impa: Oh no!
Ganondorf: Oh man... Impa, I... I'm glad we got married, even if we were only married a week.
Impa: Me too!
Chuck: Huh? OK... Wilson also wants to know why you have green skin.
Ganondorf: WHAT?
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo... I wish we could find the way back!
Ganondorf: Oh Impy-Wuvvy... If I could use my Sage powers to call someone... but they're all the way back in Hyrule!
(They start kissing, and Chuck and Wilson watch them intently.)
Chuck: Hey you guys, get a room! If you're going to...
(A coconut just happens to fall out of a tree and bonk Chuck on the head)
Chuck: OUCH! Uh, oops. I mean, cut it out!
Ganondorf: Let's go for a walk, as long as we're here.
Impa: OK...
An hour or so later, give or take...
Narrator: Ganondorf and Impa went for a long walk along the beach, followed by Chuck and Wilson. Finally, they reached the total other side of the island.
Impa: Oh well. Even if we starve to death on a desert island, at least I'll starve to death on a desert island with you!
Ganondorf: That's so sweet Impa! (singing) Love grows where Impa Zappa goes...
Chuck: Hey uh, guys? Want some coconuts?
Impa: Shut up, we're having a romantic moment!
Ganondorf: Yeah you jerk!
(Impa turns away and looks at the ocean, then screams)
Impa: GANONDORF! LOOK! LAND! LOOK, THERE'S THE BOAT DOCK!
Ganondorf: Impa? OH NO! THE DELERIUM IS SETTING IN!
Impa: Ganondorf, look! There's the boat dock, only 25 yards away from this desert island!
Ganondorf: (screaming) MY DARLING IS LOSING HER MIND! SOON SHE WILL START CHEWING ON ROCKS AND SMACKING HER HEAD INTO TREES! OOOOH NOOO! MY DEAR SWEET BELOVED MUST HAVE BEEN DRIVEN OFF THE EDGE BY THE STRESS OF BEING LOST FOREVER!
Impa: Ganondorf, listen! Look right over there! There's the beach! There's the boat dock! And there's the hotel!
Ganondorf: OH IMPA! OH IMPY-WUVVY! I NEVER SHOULD HAVE CRASHED THE BOAT HERE! WAAAA!
(Impa walks over and smacks him upside the head)
Impa: Ganondorf, look! There's the hotel! And there's the dock!
Ganondorf: Hey, the dock IS right over there! Come on, let's go get the boat and go out for Thai food!
Impa: I LOVE THAI FOOD!
(The ecstatic couple race off to the other side of the island to get their boat, leaving Chuck and Wilson staring at the dock)
Chuck: So you mean to tell me that there was a hotel and a boat dock and a beach and civilization RIGHT OVER THERE THE WHOLE TIME?
(He holds Wilson up to his ear)
Chuck: YOU KNEW? Wilson, you need to tell me these things! AAGGGH!
(He leaps into the water and using Wilson as a flotation device, swims all the way back to shore)
Narrator: That night, Impa and Ganondorf were back in their hotel room. They had just eaten lots and lots of Thai food, and they were playing N64.
Ganondorf: That was the best Thai food I've ever had.
Impa: It was good. I'm getting bored, Ganny-Poo.
Ganondorf: Why?
Impa: Oh, I don't know... we only have two days left on our honeymoon, and then we have to go back home to Hyrule and start the daily rush again.
Ganondorf: Hmmm. I'll tell you what, we need to go do something tonight.
Impa: Like what?
Ganondorf: (opens the hotel's guide to the area) Hmmm... oh, the hotel has a lot of shows down in its dinner theater!
Impa: I didn't know they had a dinner theater! I love dinner theaters!
Ganondorf: Yeah, but which show do you want to see?
Impa: Uh, what is there?
Ganondorf: Let's see... there's "Les Mi-Zelda-Rables, the Cheesy Theater Musical..."
Impa: Ick, no musicals.
Ganondorf: "Earl and Ralph and Their Trained Pigeons"
Impa: Hmmm... pigeons near food? Sounds pretty gross.
Ganondorf: "The Fat Lady and the Thin Man"
Impa: Uh... no.
Ganondorf: "Manny the Magnificent Magician"?
Impa: Hey, a magician... I've always liked magicians.
Ganondorf: Hey, me too. Whaddya say we get dressed and go see Manny at 8:00?
Impa: All right, sure.
Narrator: Five minutes and 10 evening gowns later, Impa and Ganondorf arrive in a small dinner theater.
Impa: Oh, this is so romantic!
Ganondorf: Shh, remember the last time you said that?
Maitre d': Allo... Vilkommen... Welcome, come on in, follow me.
(He leads them to a small table next to the stage)
Maitre d': Have a nice time... enjoy... be happy... lalala... dude...
Ganondorf: These are great seats for the show!
Impa: Yes, they are!
Half an hour or so later, give or take...
Narrator: The happy couple had been served their dinners just as the show was starting.
(Blue mist rises up on stage. A strange looking thin man with a big moustache and turban comes out)
Manny: Allo, greetings. I am the Manny the Magnificent Magician! I hope you all enjoy my amazing magic show I have prepared for you. And for my first trick, I will turn this here handkerchief into a graceful, peaceful dove!
Audience: OOH!
(Manny waves his hands, and thousands of doves fly out of his handkerchief and into the theater)
Audience: AAH!
Random Man: Oh, they're so majestic!
Random Woman: They're so cute!
(Suddenly, the birds become violent and they all start landing on people's heads and attacking them)
Ganondorf: AAAH! AAAAH! GET IT OFF!
Impa: Eww! Eww! Away from my food, you filthy little creature!
Another Random Man: I say Margaret, there is a dove in your hair!
Another Random Woman: AAAGGGH! AAAAGGGH! THE BIRDS!
Al: (The guy from the chapters 2 and 3 who always gets hurt, remember?) Phew... now that I'm in Maui, I don't have to worry about getting hit with Sheikah razor stiletto heels, or flower petals, or anything!
(A dove flies out of no where and crashes into his face, pecking him all over)
Al: AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGHGHHHHHHH!
Manny: (scratches head) Whoops.
(The panic continues)
Audience: (various cries of pain, cussing)
Manny: Doves, return!
(The doves all disappear)
Audience: PHEW!
(Everyone stands up and claps. They all have messed up hair or new bald spots)
Manny: Thank you very much! Now for this trick, I am going to saw a woman in half!
Audience: WOOOOO!
Manny: May I ask the young lady in the front row with the white hair to please come forward.
Impa: Hey, that's me!
Ganondorf: Huh? What's he gonna do?
Manny: Sir, I am going to saw your wife in half.
Ganondorf: (Grabs Manny by collar) YOU DO AND I'LL...
Impa: Ganondorf, it's OK! It's just a trick! I won't get sawed in half for REAL.
Ganondorf: Oh. OK then! You may resume!
Manny: OOOK... All righty then Madame, what is your name?
Impa: Impa.
Manny: Ah, and where do you and your jumpy husband come from?
Impa: We're from Gerudo Valley, Hyrule!
Manny: Hyrule? Is that in Germany?
Impa: Um, no... it's sorta near Termina.
Manny: Termina? Is that in Cambodia?
Impa: Um, it's... never mind. We're from Kentucky.
Manny: Ah, Kentucky! Well Impa from Kentucky, please step over here to my magic box...
Ganondorf: Now, be careful Impa!
Impa: It's all right, sweetie! I said it's just a trick.
Manny: Now, will my lovely assistant Claire please help Impa into my magic box?
(A lovely assistant helps Impa into the box so only her head and feet are sticking out.)
Manny: Now, please hand me my magic saw! Will someone out of the audience please inspect this?
(An audience member looks at the saw)
Audience Member: It's 100% real stainless steel.
Ganondorf: STEEL? Uh, Excuse me Mr. Manny... but, uh...
Impa: I wouldn't use a metal saw if I were you.
Manny: OH HO HO HO! Then what type of saw am I to use?
(Everyone laughs)
Ganondorf: (stands up) No sir, I have to say that you should find...
Manny: Sit down, Sir. All right, now, I will take the saw over here, and watch in amazement as I saw this woman in half!
(Ganondorf sighs and sits down)
Manny: Now I will set the saw right here in between these boards, and I will move the saw back and forth, and...
(Impa notices her eyes glowing purple)
Impa: Um, no, I have to request that you not touch me with that METAL, CONDUCTIVE saw.
Manny: Madame, please keep quiet, you're ruining the... GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
(Impa's Sage powers cause a bolt of electricity to travel through the saw and electrocute Manny.)
Manny: BLLLLZZZZZZTTTTZTZTZTZTZTZZLLLLZZZT!
(Claire screams and pulls Manny away from Impa. The electricity stops, Manny's hair stands on end, and he falls over unconscious.)
Claire: Oops.
Impa: Double Oops.
Ganondorf: Impa, I told you to be careful!
Impa: I'm sorry, it's not my fault I'm a Sage!
(A woman who looks like Manny in every way steps out onto the stage.)
Manny Look-Alike: Oh dear, my brother never could handle the saw trick.
(She snaps her fingers and a group of stage hands pull Manny off the stage on a gurney.)
Manny Look-Alike: AHEM! I am the Mysterious Martha, Manny's twin sister! Now, I will resume the magic show. Let's all give Impa a big hand.
(Everyone claps, and Impa sits down, inspecting a rip in her shirt)
Impa: That creep cut up my favorite shirt!
Ganondorf: It's all right, sweetie. I'd say a woman's touch is just what this show needs.
Martha: Now I, the mysterious Martha, will use my magic crystal ball to read the future of any person in the audience! Who is going to be my volunteer?
(A woman raises her hand, and Martha brings her up onstage)
Martha: Thank you dear, now what is your name?
Woman: My name is Abby!
Martha: Ah, Abby. Please have a seat by my crystal ball.
(She sits down)
Martha: Ladies and Gentlemen, watch in amazement as I read this woman's future!
Audience: OOH! AAH!
Martha: (looks into crystal ball, looks mysterious) Abby... I predict that... I see a plate!
Abby: A plate?
Martha: Yes, a plate! I see... eating in your future!
Abby: (raises eyebrows) I hope so!
Martha: I see someone giving you a free meal...
Abby: Um...
Martha: Oh look! There is our waiter Marcus with a free entrée for Abby!
Abby: WHAT? What kind of a future reading is that?
(Abby grumbles and sits down)
Martha: Now... for the final trick of the evening... I, using my great powers of magic and mystery, will transform one of the audience members into a pig!
Audience: OOH! AAH!
Martha: You, young man in the front row with the red hair...
Ganondorf: ME?
Martha: Yes you! Come up here with me!
(Ganondorf stumbles onstage)
Martha: What is your name, my green-complexioned friend?
Ganondorf: It's Ganondorf.
Martha: What? Is that German?
Ganondorf: Uh, no. You see, I'm a Gerudo, and I'm from Hyrule, so I...
Martha: Gerudo? Isn't that near Switzerland?
Ganondorf: Uh no, it's not a country, it's a kind of people. I'M a Gerudo, and my name means...
Martha: Hmm... Hyrule... that's kind of by Termina, isn't it?
Ganondorf: YES! And that's...
Martha: Termina... isn't that near Cambodia?
Ganondorf: (sighs) We're from Kentucky, and my name is Ganondorf. Yes, it is German.
Martha: Ah, Ganondorf. All right. Come with me back here to the box of transformation!
Ganondorf: Okie Dokie.
Martha: Now, will my handsome assistant Carl help Ganondorf into the box so I can change him into a pig?
Voice From Audience: TOO LATE!
(Ganondorf looks out in the audience to see Kafei, Anju, Honey, and Darling sitting at a table together and Kafei and Darling are booing Ganondorf.)
Ganondorf: YOU TWO AGAIN? Why I oughtta...
Kafei: Ooh, is little piggy Ganondorf gonna hurt us?
Darling: Ooooh, I'm shaking in my little knee-high lace up boots!
(The two of them start laughing)
Anju: Kafei! Stop it!
Honey: And Darling, I want to see this! Leave him alone!
Ganondorf: Yeah, for once your girlfriends are saying something intelligent!
Kafei: Why I oughtta...
Darling: You'll pay for that, Mister!
Martha: Could I PLEASE get on with the show?
Kafei, Darling and Ganondorf: Sorry...
(Carl grabs Ganondorf and tries to stick him in the box)
Ganondorf: No, wait! Uh, Miss Martha lady, you might want to pick someone else because my name means...
Martha: Less talking, more walking Ganondorf!
Ganondorf: Um... OK, but I think you should know that my name means...
Martha: Ladies and Gentlemen, now, watch as we secure Ganondorf into the box, cover it with a sheet, and watch as I turn our handsome volunteer here into a pig!
Ganondorf: But Martha, I-
(The box is covered with a sheet)
Martha: (looks straight at camera) Silence-O-Sheet. The new product from Wham-O industries shuts up anyone you need to be shut up! Available at all finer retail stores.
Audience: (laughing)
Impa: No, wait! What Ganondorf was trying to say is that his name means...
Martha: Now Ganondorf, can you hear me?
Ganondorf: (mumbling) MMMMMPPHMHMHMMMFMFMFMGMHMMM.
Martha: I want you to think of someone whose name means a lot to you...
Ganondorf: MMHMHMH???
Martha: I only use a volunteer's loved one's name as a magic word. It makes the show more home-like.
Ganondorf: MMMPPHMGGMHMHMHM, MMHGGH MGMHMGFP MEMMGMHMS...
Martha: Ah, Impa! It looks like you're someone who Ganondorf cares about.
Impa: (blushes) I'm very touched, but you can't go on with this, because Ganondorf...
Martha: Impa Kadabra... Impa Kadabra!
Ganondorf: Uh oh!
POOOF!
(Suddenly, a terrible roar sounds from the Box of Transformation, and a pair of scaly green arms holding two giant swords pops out of the side of the box. Everyone screams)
GANON: OOOOH! What happened?
Kafei: OH MY HOLY UNDERWEAR!
Darling: HE DID TURN INTO A PIG!
Kafei and Darling: RUN FOR YOUR FREAKIN' LIVES!
Anju: Kafei, wait for me!
Honey: AAAAGH, Darling, you jerk!
Audience: AAAAAAAHHHH!
(Everyone screams and runs away.
Narrator: Uh, hello there again. If you didn't catch the point of that whole thing, Ganondorf just actually did turn into a pig. He turned into GANON, his creepy pig-lizard-goat-dinosaur thing form.
(GANON pulls the sheet off of his head)
GANON: AAGH! Finally, I can see! (looks down, notices he's gained a few pounds) OH NO!
Impa: (rushes up onstage) Oh Ganny-Poo! I tried to tell them!
Martha: (gasps) That trick... that trick's never worked before! I REALLY AM MAGIC!
(Martha races out of the theater, screaming about how she is magic and how rich she is going to become)
Impa: Oh sweetie, you need to calm down for a second.
GANON: All right, all right... I need to take a few deep breaths... all right buddy... I'm fine... just need to calm down...
Impa: Breathe in, breathe out.
GANON: (takes a few deep breaths, closes his eyes to relax. Then opens them) Aw man! This is going to ruin all of the plans we had for tonight!
(Suddenly, a brick crashes through the window and hits him in the head.)
GANON: OW!
(A note is tied to the brick)
Dear Ganon/dorf and Impa:
We don't know exactly what you meant by that, but it sounded wrong. Please refrain from saying that again before we have to raise the rating of this story. Or else.
~ Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel
Impa: (sighs) OK. Come on sweetie, let's go back to the room.
GANON: Gee, I'm sorry, Impy-Wuvvy. I didn't mean to ruin our evening.
Impa: Oh no honey! I had a wonderful time! It was wonderful!
GANON: Really? Oh, good.
Impa: Come on. Let's go back to the room and watch TV.
(They walk out of the trashed theater into the lobby, where we see Kafei and Darling huddled up under a table. GANON peeks under the table and laughs)
GANON: Ahh... BOO!
Kafei: YAAAAAAAARGH!
Darling: YAAAAAAAAARGH!
(They both scream and run)
Impa: Oh Ganondorf.
GANON: Hey, I'm a big giant pig. I'm gonna have some fun as long as I am.
Narrator: The very next day, it's Ganondorf and Impa's last full day in Maui. So, let's see how everyone's favorite pair will spend their last day of honeymooning.
Impa: (laying on bed. Sighs) Oh Ganny-Poo...
Ganondorf: (leans out of bathroom, brushing teeth) What?
Impa: I am so depressed...
Ganondorf: Why is that?
Impa: GANONDORF! Today is our last full day of honeymooning. We have so many things left to do!
Ganondorf: Oh yeah. Hmm... well, what do you want to do today?
Impa: Well... (pulls a travel magazine out of the desk drawer) It says that there's a beachfront horseback riding place about half an hour away from here...
Ganondorf: Beachfront horseback riding? Impa, if you want to ride a horse in the sand, you can ask me anytime and I'll take you riding in the Haunted Wasteland.
Impa: But where's the ocean? The romance?
Ganondorf: Ohh... OK.
Impa: YAY! And also, there's an amusement park not far from here. Tonight they're having a special fireworks display. Why don't we go?
Ganondorf: Yeah, all right.
Impa: Oh Ganny-Poo! It's so nice how you're willing to do things for me!
Ganondorf: Yeah, yeah. Come on, let's go get the camel. Oh yeah, and remember, we need to think about what we want as a prize from the Karaoke Contest.
Impa: Hmmm... We can stop by the gift shop before we check out tomorrow.
Ganondorf: All right, let's go!
Narrator: To make a long story short, Ganondorf and Impa rode the camel to the Maui Beachfront Horse Rentals to rent a pair of horses so they could go riding.
Horse Keeper 1: There we are, Sugar...
Horse Keeper 2: Ah, that's a good boy, Patches...
(Ganondorf and Impa ride up on the camel)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Since Zel has returned from vacation. She will be taking over yet again and completing the fic!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Horse Keeper 1:Sir that will be 20 rupees per rider.
Gannondorf: (shells out 40 rupees)
(Horse Keeper 2 saddles horses.)
Horse Keeper 1: (pockets the 2 red rupees) Thank you sir, please enjoy your ride over the grounds.
Gannondorf: We will!
(Gannondorf helps Impa on the horse then gets on and they ride off.)
Little Later ~
Gannondorf: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Impa: All right…WAAAAAAAAAAA! (slips off horse and into mud)
Gannondorf: Hey! That's my joke!
Impa: (stands up, wipes up mud) Very funny… (gets back on horse)
Gannondorf: (is laughing his a$$ off)
~ Little more while later
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo look! An amusement park! Oh I haven't been to one of those in years!
Gannondorf: Let's get in touch with our inner children! (ties the horses' ropes to a pole that magically appeared there)
(Gannondorf takes Impa's hand and they go to an amusement park!)
Impa: Oh wow! (chugs down soda pop and eats cotton candy) I feel like a kid again!
Ride Operator Dude: 5 tickets to ride the THE-SCARIEST-FREAKIEST-MAKE-YOU-PEE-IN-YOUR-PANTS-MOST-FRIGHTENING-3-SECONDS-OF-YOUR-LIFE-ROLLERCOSTER!
Gannondorf: Ooo! I want to go on that!
Ride Operator Dude: Please remember to keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times and buckle the safety restrains tightly and remember! If you fall out we're not responsible! Please enjoy the next most SCARIEST-FREAKIEST-MAKE-YOU-PEE-IN-YOUR-PANTS-MOST-FRIGHTENING-3-SECONDS-OF-YOUR-LIFE-moment of your day.
(Ride Operator Dude pulls the lever and the ride starts. The ride starts off nice and slow.)
Gannondorf: This isn't so bad…AHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
(The ride veers and jolts. It takes hard turns and goes down steep tracks. Then takes a steady upward climb higher and higher and higher…then pauses at the very top.)
Gannondorf: Hey! I can see my fortress from here! And the hotel! And there's Impa! She's looks like an ant! HIYA IMPY-WUVVY! LOOK AT ME! I'M UP SO-WAAAAAAAAAA! AHHHHHHH! HOLY CRAP! HOOOOOO! WOOOOOOO! OH GODDESSES I'M GONNA HURL!!! WAAAAAAAAA! AHHHHHHHHHH!
Ride Operator Dude: The rider's over, mister, you can get off now.
Gannondorf: (gets off the ride; turns greener than usual)
Impa: (runs up with a bit of cotton candy on her face) Ganny-poo! How was the ride?
Gannondorf: (vomits)
Impa: Oh dear…
(Impa ushers Gannondorf to the little boys' room to get cleaned up.)
~~~ About a half-hour later (give or take)
(Impa and Gannondorf are sitting at a table on the boardwalk having milkshakes.)
Impa: Oh Ganny-poo! Isn't that a breathtaking sunset?
Gannondorf: (silence except for the sound of the bubbles he's blowing with his straw)
Impa: Oh Gannondorf! I just a wonderful idea! Why don't we watch the fireworks from the Ferris wheel! It would be the perfect way to end our honeymoon!
Gannondorf: Anything for you, cupcake!
Impa: Ganny-poo, don't call me cupcake, it's bad for my image…
Gannondorf: All right, I'll just call you Impy-Wuvvy from now on.
Impa: Perfect. Shall we go my beloved King of Evil?
Gannondorf: Of course, my darling shadow sage!
(Impa takes Gannondorf's arm and they stroll off towards the Ferris wheel.)
Ride Operator Dude: (runs over from the roller coaster to the Ferris wheel) Two (pant) tickets per (pant) rider…
Gannondorf: Here you are! (gets out four tickets)
Ride Operator Dude: Please keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times! And if you fall out, don't sue! (pulls lever and starts up ride.)
Gannondorf: Here, my good man! (throws down a yellow rupee) to watch the fireworks from up here.
Ride Operator Dude: Certain-OOF!
(The guy is knocked unconscious but falling yellow rupee.)
Gannondorf: Oops…
Impa: Ah…this is so romantic…(looks over at cityscape)
(The fireworks begin.)
Gannondorf: OH! AH! PRETTY!
Impa: (sigh) (looks down) O_O
Gannondorf: Impy-Wuvvy? What's wrong?
Impa: Um…I'M AFRIAD OF HEIGHTS!!!!! (starts to panic)
Gannondorf: Don't worry, lovey! We're now THAT far from the ground!
Impa: (sobbing) No! You don't understand! I'm going to die! I'm going to fall and die! I'm going to fall victim to certain and impending DEATH! (panics and rocks the ride.)
Gannondorf: WHOA! IMPA! CALM DOWN!
Impa: I WANT OFF! I WANT OFF! I WANT OOOOFFFFFFFFFFFF! (rocks ride and the thingy tips backwards.)
Gannondorf: AHHHHH! IMPA! I'LL SAVE YOU!
Impa: AHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M FALLING!
Audience who has gathered at the bottom of the Ferris Wheel: GASP!
Gannondorf: IMPY-WUVVY! (Triforce symbols lights up)
Special Effects Guy: POOF!
(Gannondorf transforms into GANON! And catches Impa, saving her from certain and impending doom.)
AWHGATBOTFW: WHEW!
Audience member #1: AHHHHHHHH!
Audience member #2: What?
Audience member #1: IT'S A MONSTER! HE'S TAKEN THAT POOR WOMAN HOSTAGE!
Audience member #3: HE'LL DESTORY THE CITY!
Audience member #4: IT IS GANON! WE MUST DIE NOW!
Random Japanese Person: THIS IS WHY I MOVED AWAY FROM TOKYO!
Audience member #2: LET US THROW OUR BANANAS AT HIM! THAT WILL MAKE HIM GO AWAY!
(Audience members pelt GANON with bananas.)
GANON: (hisses and growls, claws at bananas)
Impa: STOP! THAT'S MY HUSBAND!
Audience member #1: YOU MARRIED A DINOSAUR/GOAT/PIG THINGY!
Impa: YES! BUT HE'S REALLY A SWEET MAN! AND I LOVE HIM!
Audience #2: SO! IT ISN'T EVERYDAY WE GET TO PELT A DINOSAUR/PIG/GOAT THINGY WITH BANANAS!
Impa: OH GANNY-POO! YOU SAVED ME! (ignores flying bananas) I LOVE YOU! (kisses GANON's scaly cheek)
Special Effects Guy: POOF!
Audience member #1: Uh-oh.
Audience member #2: That ain't good!
GANON: IMPY-WUVVY!
(Impa suddenly transforms into a female version of GANON!)
Impa: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Audience member #3: Oh dear…
Impa: (starts sobbing uncontrollably.)
Gannondorf: Oh Impy-Wuvvy! It's all right! (pats her back)
Impa: (raises fist)
Gannondorf: Uh-oh! (backs away)
Impa: STUPID THING! (smashes the Ferris wheel with her gigantic fist) If I hadn't gone on that thing this wouldn't have happened! (sobs some more)
(Audience members look at each other then at Gannondorf and Impa.)
Audience member #1: We need help.
Audience member #2: LOTS!
All Audience members: GALAXY GIRL! SAILOR ZEL!
Meanwhile ~
(GG and Zel are taking a break at a coffee shop and having Italian sodas! (The good kind!))
News Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special news bulletin.
Zel: Oh dang it!
GG: We're missing the Price is Right!
News Announcer: Two large monsters have been sighted at the Maui Pier Amusement Park. As of now no one has been reported injured except for the beloved Ferris Wheel Winnie…
GG: They named the Ferris wheel?
News Announcer: And now some live footage from Cameramen Harry and Bill
Zel: GG! Isn't that GANON!?
GG: Hey it is! Who's the other one?
Zel: Oh-no…
GG: (groans) we leave them alone for 15 minutes and something like this happens…
Zel: I pray they don't have a second honeymoon…
GG: Come on…let's get to the pier…
Zel: I just remembered we're miles from the pier…
(Both authors step outside of the coffee shop. People are running around panicking.)
Random Panicking Woman: SOMEBODY SAVE US!
Random Panicking Guy: THE END! THE END IS NEAR!
Zel: Sir! Can we borrow your car?
Random driver: Sure! The world's gonna end anyway (tosses them the keys and runs away, screaming)
Zel: I just remembered something…
GG: What?
Zel: Neither one of us is 16
GG: Um…well…14 and 14 are a lot more then 16 so we're fine! (starts up engine)
Zel: Um…you do have some clue how to drive right?
GG: uh…
Zel: Uh-oh…
~ Meanwhile
(Impa is still crying and Gannondorf is still trying to comfort her.)
Gannondorf: There, there Impy-Wuvvy.
(Gannondorf pulls up a tent and the people hiding under it scatter. He hands it to Impa like a hankie.)
Impa: (takes hankie and blows her nose…and it sounds like a foghorn.)
(Faint roaring in background.)
(Roaring gets LOUDER!)
(LOUDER!)
(LOUDER!)
RRROOOAAAARRRR!
Voices that sound a lot like GG and Zel: AHHHHHHHH! ABANDON SHIP! ER-CAR!
(A car rips through the park and the two authors narrowly escape certain and impending DEATH! The car drives off the boardwalk and into the ocean.)
GG: That'd the last time I ever do that…
Zel: Owie…
Audience (yes, they're still here.): GALAXY GIRL! SAILOR ZEL! WE'RE SAVED! YIPPEE!
GG: WHAT THE-?!? WHAT HAPPENED?!?!
Zel: Ditto…
Audience: GALAXY GIRL! SAILOR ZEL! YOU MUST SAVE US!
GG: ……
Zel: ……
GG: …author huddle!
GG & Zel: (whispering)
Audience member #1: What are they saying?
Audience member #2: I dunno…MOM! Lend us your hearing aid!
(Audience member #2's mom hands Audience member #2 her hearing aid.)
Audience member #1: Any better?
Audience member #2: No…Hey! Wait! I hear something! They're saying…(listens carefully) Audience…member…#2…is…a…butthead! That's it!
Audience member #1: (snickers)
Audience member #2: HEY!
Zel: I GOT IT!
Audience member #2: (drops his mom's hearing aid and accidentally steps on it.)
GG: What?
Zel: THERE'S ONLY ONE THING TO DO!
GG: And that is?
Zel: (puts out a tape player, flips the switch in "on" position.)
Tape Player: Baaaayby mine, don't you
cry...
GG: NOOOOOO! (bursts into tears along with Impa.)
Zel: Huh? (pulls out tape) Oops! How'd that get in there?
GG: WAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Zel: uh-oh…
GG: OH JEEZ! (sobs) HIS POOR MOM!
Zel: How did that tape get in there?! Oh yeah, my 4-year-old cousin borrowed my tape player…
GANON: (sobs & sniffles)
Zel: Oh no…you too?!?!
GANON: (breaks into tears along with Impa and GG.)
Audience: (weeps and dabs at eyes with hankies)
Zel: I guess I'm the only one here who has never saw that part of Dumbo…oh well…
GG: I NEED THE BEATLES, AND QUICK!
Zel: AHA! (pulls out a Beatles 1 CD and pops it in the loud speakers.)
CD: PAAAAPERBACK WRITER!
GG: YIPPEEE!
Zel: OK! Now what?
GG: Uh...Let's um, try and turn them back to normal. Especially Impa. She isn't supposed to be able to do that.
Zel: Hmm…drastic times can for drastic measures…(takes out a pen and paper and does unthinkable.)
GG: Oh-no! What are you-
Zel: (writes something down while mumbling)
GG: Zel, what-OH NO! NO! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Zel: (writes down a sickeningly sweet, mushy, fluffy, love poem)
GG: GAAAH! Zel, NOOO!
Zel: (keeps the rating G)
GG: GG: Um, better, but still! Do you know what they do when they get...
Zel: Like I said, "drastic times, call for drastic measures...
Zel: If I die…what am I saying?! It ain't that bad! (starts reading her poem aloud.)
GG: Um…due to the fact Zel is anti-fluff to spare her the embarrassment the next lines will be blocked out.
Zel: (______________________ ,goes on for a few more minutes _________________.) All done!
Special Effects Guy: POOF!
(Impa suddenly changes back into Normal Impa.)
Narrator: There is a long, awkward pause…
Audience member #3: He's stating the obvious again…
Audience member #2: Oy…
Impa: That poem…just…
GANON: Lights that flame of desire!
GG: Oh-no…
Zel: I think our plan just backfired on us…
(Impa starts making out with Ganon, who is still GANON.)
(Suddenly the ground starts to quake and lightening strikes and people fall over and buildings threaten to collapse.)
Zel: What was that?
GG: It was…
Zel: Not good?
GG: Yeah…
Zel: What was it?
GG: That was the sound of the rating going from a PG-13 to an R!
Zel: Oh god no!
GG: This is bad!
Zel: At least we manage to accomplish one thing…
GG: Impa's normal…
Zel: And only God knows how that happened…
Zel: An R! Oh god, an R-rating!
GG: AHHH! THE GOAL WAS TO AVOID
THAT!
Zel: Um…uh…um…GG!
GG: Aw man, we ALMOST made it through the whole two chaps without an R rating.
Zel: Wait! It's not an R-rating yet! We have still have time to fix this!
GG: What to do? What to do? Man, it's getting hot in here!
Zel: AHHHHHH! More signs of the rating rising!
GG: I got it!
Zel: Yes?
GG: We're both super heroines! We'll use our powers to "cool" them down!
Zel: Good idea!
(Zel and GG position themselves on the roof of a nearby building.)
GG: Ok…1…
Zel: 2…what if we screw up Maui's climate?
GG: We can fix it later! And 3!
(Both authors release an icy wave of energy from their wands directly at Ganon and Impa.)
Audience member #1: They put those two "under ice"!
Audience member #2: They're going to need a lot of "cold" medicine.
GG: Ok…shut up you two.
Audience members #1 & 2: We'll shut up…
(Suddenly the ice starts to melt as GANON breathes fire from inside the ice.)
GANON: COLD! COLD! COLD! VERY COLD!
Impa: Whoa…that felt like one of those breath mint commercials.
(Suddenly all clouds go away and the night sky is clear!)
Zel: Hey! The rating's back to normal!
Impa: Ganny-poo…why don't we go back to the hotel and…
GG: Ahem…
Zel: Don't push your luck…
Impa: Go to sleep…come along, Ganny-poo.
The next morning ~
(Outside the hotel, Gannondorf and Impa are preparing to leave.)
Old Guy from Karaoke Contest: WAIT! YOU NEVER PICKED YOUR PRIZE!
Gannondorf: Oh! Our prize! I totally forgot…
Old Guy from Karaoke Contest: You only have two choices…this jar of pickled eggs or…this brand new yellow Beatle!
Gannondorf: Pickled eggs or Yellow Beatle…tough choice…
Impa: We'll take the car!
Gannondorf: But Impa?
Impa: (takes the keys.)
(Suddenly a group of the hotel staff comes up with Gannondorf and Impa's honeymoon camel.)
Hotel Staff member #1: Good bye, boy.
Hotel Staff member #2: We'll miss you, Barney.
Hotel Staff member #1: For the last time, his name isn't Barney! It's Benny!
Hotel Staff member #2: Barney!
Hotel Staff member #1: Benny!
(Gannondorf and Impa watch.)
Gannondorf: Hey! You kids can keep Benny-
Hotel Staff member #2: BARNEY!
Gannondorf: Whoever! It you want.
Hotel Staff member #1: Gee! Thanks mister!
Hotel staff member #2: Oh I can't wait! I'll sing with it, dance with it, play with it, and sleep with it!
Hotel staff member #1: No! I will!
Hotel Staff member #2: ME!
Hotel Staff member #1: MEEEEE!
Gannondorf: Ok…um…Impy-Wuvvy, let's go home to Hyrule!
Impa: It will be so nice to be home at the fortress again!
Gannondorf: Um…you only spent a night at the fortress…
Impa: So? It's our home now! And we'll raise a family there!
Gannondorf: Of course we'll wait, right?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
End of ch. 4
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Galaxy Girl and Sailor Zel are signing off! R&R!