How Does It Feel?
Disclaimer- I do not own Star Wars or any of its characters. All dialogue is directly from the Star Wars Jedi Apprentice Series. Except for a couple of parts, which are in bold print, none of it belongs to me. The song "Like a Rolling Stone" belongs to Bob Dylan. I have altered the song ever so slightly to fit with the story line. I have merely changed the words "he", "his", and "him" to "she", "her", and "hers". No infringement is intended. Please don't sue! One more thing, // // indicates thought. Enjoy! ^o^
Once upon a time
You dressed so fine
Threw the bums a dime
In your prime,
Didn't you?
Obi-wan sat on the ground, looking up at the stars. He had just received a message from Yoda saying that Qui-gon was on his way. He had been relieved to hear this. Everything on Melida/Daan was falling apart right before his eyes.
People call say
Beware doll
You're bound to fall
You thought they were all
Kiddin' you.
How had he come to this? Just a few days ago he had been part of the Young's council. Then, because of a simple disagreement, the person he had trusted the most had turned against him. Nield had been one of his best friends, now he was one of his worst enemies.
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was
Hangin' out.
Thanks to Nield's bitterness, he had been exiled from the Young. Perhaps there were some who disagreed with Nield's tactics, but if so they did not join with Obi-wan. No one would cross Nield.
Obi-wan felt as though he were a ghost. He was not allowed to stay in the tunnels, so he slept where he could, or wherever he happened to find himself at night.
His only friend was Roenni. She often sought him out, bringing him food. She had given him a survival pack with a glow rod, and a medpac, and a warm, lightweight blanket for the cold nights.
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About havin' to be scrounging
Your next meal.
How does it feel?
Obi-wan thought back to when he first got tangled up in the sticky web that he was now in. He had fought so hard to become a Jedi apprentice, and he had prevailed. Then, after all the struggles he went through to get to where he was, he had thrown it all out the window, and betrayed the man who trusted him the most.
How does it feel?
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
**Flashback**
"Justice is something to fight for. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be a Jedi."
Cerasi put down her slingshot. "Being a Jedi is as much a part of you as being a part of the Young is to me." She observed, her crystal green eyes studying him. "I guess the difference is that the Young don't have any guides, we guide ourselves."
"Being an apprentice is a journey that is an honor to undertake," Obi-wan replied. But he feared his words were weak. He was used to saying them and believing them with his whole heart. Being a Jedi was the core of him. But in just a few hours with the Young, he had seen a commitment that had confused him as much as it had stirred him.
**End Flashback**
Oh, you've gone to the finest school
Alright, it's lonely
But you only used to get
Juiced in it.
Obi-wan sighed for the hundredth time that night. What had he been thinking? He should have left with Qui-gon, then none of this mess would have happened. //Qui-gon…// he wondered if the Jedi would ever forgive him.
Nobody's ever taught you
How to live out on the streets
And now you're gonna have to get
Used to it.
**Flashback**
"Cerasi, I can't promise you Jedi support," Obi-wan said quietly. Surprising himself, he put his hand over hers. "I can only promise you mine."
Her bright gaze held his. "Why don't you come with Nield and me tomorrow? We're doing the first raid into Daan territory."
Obi-wan hesitated. As a Jedi apprentice, he would be breaking the rules if he agreed without asking Qui-gon's permission. But if he asked, Qui-gon would most likely refuse.
You say you never compromise
With a mystery tramp
But now you realize
The cause of the Young spoke urgently to his heart. As a Jedi, he didn't fight for his own family, his own world, or his own people. He fought for what Yoda and the Council - and Qui-gon - decided he should fight for.
Cerasi and Nield had defined their own struggle. Obi-wan was struck with a pang of deep envy for them. He had spent so much time with those older than himself. He had so often listened to their wisdom. Now he felt welcomed back into something different. He could be a part of a community here - he hadn't realized how much he missed a community of boys and girls his own age.
She's not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of her eyes
And say, "Do you want to make a deal?"
How does it feel?
Cerasi's hand felt warm beneath his own. Her fingers were slender and delicate. Suddenly they intertwined with his and squeezed, and he felt their strength.
"Will you come?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I will."
**End Flashback**
How does it feel?
To be on your own
With no direction home
A complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
Obi-wan sighed. He had betrayed Qui-gon and gone with the Young. He had even gone so far as to draw his lightsaber against his Master, something that, a few weeks ago, would have horrified Obi-wan at the thought of it. **Flashback**
Obi-wan ran without stopping. He had to get to the ship before Qui-gon. He did not want a confrontation. If Qui-gon tried to stop him, what would he do? He pushed aside the thought. He would just have to get there first…
…His steps slowed as Qui-gon caught sight of him. Obi-wan saw the relief on his Master's face. Qui-gon thought he was coming to return to the Temple.
Obi-wan didn't give Qui-gon a chance to speak. He could not bear to hear words of welcome.
"I'm not here to go with you," he said. "I came for the starfighter."
Qui-gon's look of quiet welcome faded. His features froze into a mask.
"Tahl is on board," Qui-gon said. "I am taking her to Coruscant."
"I will bring the ship back," Obi-wan tried. "I need it now. If you could wait here-"
"No," Qui-gon said angrily. "No, Padawan. I will not make your betrayal easy for you. If you try to take this step, know what a hard one it is."
Neither had moved a muscle. Yet Obi-wan knew that Qui-gon was just as prepared as he was to fight. The Force swirled around him, but it was a disturbed Force, neither dark nor light.
He had no choice. The world around him was dying. He had to save it. He had to fight Qui-gon.
Obi-wan went for his lightsaber. Qui-gon moved only a fraction of an instant later.
Qui-gon's green beam shot up, glowing in the gray light. Obi-wan felt his own lightsaber pulse in his hand. Qui-gon kept his eyes on Obi-wan.
Here was the moment. He had only to step forward and challenge his Master.
Obi-wan met Qui-gon's gaze and saw the same anguish he felt. He felt something within him crack, and his resolve slowly drained away. He could not do this.
Simultaneously, they both lowered their weapons. The lightsabers deactivated with a faint buzz.
Oh, you never turned around
To see the frowns
On the jugglers and the clowns
When they all did
Tricks for you.
"You must choose Obi-wan," Qui-gon told him quietly. "You can go with me now, or stay. Know that if you stay, you are no longer a Jedi."
No longer a Jedi. Was he prepared to take that step? Was this what he had come to?
He could tell Qui-gon about the battle he had seen. He could try. But he had tried before. Qui-gon was right. He must make his choice.
"I have found something more important than the Jedi code," Obi-wan said slowly. "Something not only worth fighting for, but worth dying for."
Obi-wan handed his lightsaber to Qui-gon.
"You may go, Qui-gon Jinn, but I will stay."
**End Flashback**
Qui-gon had left without a word after that. Obi-wan still wished he could have taken those words back. They seemed to have struck Qui-gon as soon as he had said them. After that, the Young had gone through many trials, but they had prevailed. Obi-wan was made a part of their council. He helped the Young make important decisions during their time of peace. Then came the day when someone suggested leaving the Halls intact. The Halls were places that held memorials to war heroes, each having a holographic recording of the person, each person telling of the evils of the Melida or the Daan. Obi-wan shook his head. //That was when everything began to come apart.// he thought.
Never understood that
It ain't no good
You shouldn't let other people get your
Kicks for you.
We had been debating what actions should be taken regarding the Halls.
**Flashback**
Obi-wan would cast the deciding vote. All eyes turned to him. He heard the mocking caw caw of the birds overhead and the moaning of the wind. His heart was heavy as he said, "I vote yes."
"The motion is carried," Cerasi said, swallowing hard. "The new history squad shall temporarily cease all demolition of the Halls until further study."
You used to ride on a chrome horse
With your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulder
A siamese cat.
For a moment, no one moved. Then Nield suddenly sprung to his feet. "I call for another vote!" he shouted. "I call for the removal of Obi-wan from the council!"
Obi-wan stiffened. "What?" Cerasi cried.
Nield turned to the crowd. "How can Obi-wan get a vote when he is neither Melida or Daan?"
"Obi-wan is one of us!" Cerasi cried in shock.
"Nield is right!" Mawat stood, his eyes blazing.
"Vote again!" a supporter of Nield cried.
Ain't it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where it's at
After he took from you everything
He could steal?
How does it feel?
Obi-wan felt as though he could not move. Never could he have imagined Nield making such a charge. He and Nield were like brothers. Just because they disagreed on this issue didn't mean that would change. At least not for him.
The shouting grew louder. Obi-wan stood at his place, unable to move. He didn't know what to do. Suddenly, he was an outsider.
How does it feel?
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?
In the days after the meeting, Obi-wan and Cerasi could only watch helplessly as the Young splintered apart. Nield would not talk to them. He moved aboveground and slept with Mawat and the Scavenger Young in the park. Heartbroken, Obi-wan and Cerasi could only try to heal the division they had caused. We cannot let this divide us, they pleaded. But the divide only grew wider.
**End Flashback**
Obi-wan fought back the tears. Only days later, the Young was about to go to war with itself. Cerasi had tried to stop them. //And then…// The tears came, unbidden. Nield and Wehutti had been arguing and were about to fight, then…
Oh, princess on a steeple
And all the pretty people
They all drinkin' thinkin' that they
Got it made.
Suddenly, the grate in the dry fountain opened, and Cerasi swung herself up and out. She began to run towards the middle of the two groups. "No!" she shouted as she ran. "This cannot happen!"
"Cerasi!" With a cry, Obi-wan sprang forward. At the same moment, shots rang out. In the confusion, Obi-wan could not place where they came from.
But they hit their mark. Cerasi's eyes widened as the blaster fire ripped into her chest. Slowly, she sank to her knees. Obi-wan reached her just as she fell backwards, into his arms.
"Cerasi!" he cried.
Her green eyes were glazed.
"You'll be okay," he said frantically. "Can you hear me? You don't need luck. Cerasi!"
He held up his palm. She tried to raise her hand but it fell back, her eyes unfocused.
"No!" Obi-wan screamed.
He felt for her pulse with shaking fingers. There was no beat of her blood, not even a flutter.
Agony ripped through him. He looked up at Nield and Wehutti. He couldn't form the words. It was as though he had forgotten how to speak.
Tears ran down his face as the pain grew and expanded to every corner of his brain, his heart. It seemed unbearable. His body could not hold this much pain. It would simply break apart. Yet he knew it was only the beginning.
**End Flashback**
Exchanging all precious gifts
But you better
take your diamond ring
You better
Pawn it babe.
Obi-wan sat with his head in his hands, tears streaming down his face. //What a mess.// he thought to himself. What was he going to do? //Wait for Qui-gon.// "He'll be able to help me sort this out." he said to himself. But a sense of dread started to creep into his mind. What would the Jedi say to him? Would he even look at Obi-wan? ...And was there any remote chance that he might take him back to the temple?
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags
And the language that he used.
At last the day of Qui-gon's arrival came. Obi-wan had been instructed to meet him directly outside the gates of the city.
He felt a rush of pleasure as he saw Qui-gon's tall, strong figure stride toward him. A smile of relief sprang to his face.
The smile slowly faded as he saw no answering expression. Of course there was no smile on his Master's face. His former Master's face. Obviously, the sight of his former Padawan filled the Jedi Knight with anguish.
Qui-gon's expression smoothed and became neutral. He nodded at Obi-wan.
No greeting. No inquiry into how he was. Fine. Obi-wan could handle it. He had asked for help, not comfort. He nodded back his own greeting. The two began to walk together into the city.
Go to him now, he calls
You can't refuse
When you've got nothin'
You've got nothin' to lose
You're invisible now
You've got no secrets to conceal.
How does it feel?
Obi-wan waited for Qui-gon to speak. Why didn't he? If only they could talk about what had happened, if only Qui-gon would give him a chance to explain.
He knew one thing now. He'd known it the instant he'd seen Qui-gon. He wanted to be a Jedi again. Not only a Jedi, but the Padawan of Qui-gon Jinn. He wanted everything he had thrown away. He wanted his life back.
He didn't belong on Melida/Daan. He had been swept away by a cause. A just cause, a good cause, it was true. But there were other just causes in the galaxy, and he wanted to fight for those too. It turned out that Cerasi was right. He wanted a wider life than the one he'd chosen on Melida/Daan.
He had found his true path again. That was good. Still, despair filled Obi-wan. All he had to do was look at Qui-gon to know that the Jedi would never take him back.
How does it feel?
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?