Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the Dirty Pair. But once I become a billionaire, I'll buy the rights to both and release them to the fans! (Accepting donations)
Phelan appears within the much-loved/hated Featureless White Room and looks around, "hmm"ing and inspecting the room.
Phelan: Well, it looks like the room is okay. I guess I stopped Quatre's floodtears in time. Ah well, I have other things to worry about.
The gundam boys fall into the FWR. They get up and dust themselves off.
Wufei: So what are you going to have us show our audience today?
Phelan: Sore wa himitsu desu! C'mon, we don't have all day. On with the fic!
***************
Phelan: Okay, we're going to try to explain Hammerspace/Authorspace now. It's kinda like another dimension, and is used by anime characters to store items instead of having to lug around bags or boxes. Hammerspace first started as a way female characters could store very large hammers (hence the name) that they'd use to bash male characters that had made inappropriate, offensive, or suggestive remarks. On to the example!
Duo and Wufei are sitting next to each other at a table. For about thirty seconds, peace and quiet reigns. Then Duo begins tapping out a drumbeat with his fingers on the tabletop. Wufei narrows his eyes, but remains still. Duo, who is really getting into his song, starts to nod his head to the beat of whatever song is running through his mind. One of Wufei's eyebrows twitch, but he regains control.
Duo continues to drum on the table while nodding his head, but soon starts humming the tune and tapping his feet. Wufei's hands curl up into fists, the eyebrow twitches again, but he stays seated. Duo, completely oblivious to his surroundings, begins to sing:
Duo: Just wild beat communication, ame ni utare nagara, iroasenai atsui omoi, karada-juu de tsutaetai yo tonight!
Wufei gives in, leaps to his feet and starts yelling.
Wufei: Duo no baka! Omae o korosu!
With that, he reaches over his shoulder. Thanks to high-speed cameras placed in the room, we can witness this action in slow motion. As Wufei's hand passes over his shoulder, a small black line seems to cut through the air behind him. It widens in the middle, a flat sheet of black suspended in midair. Wufei's hand plunges into the black depths. From the side, it is clear that his hand is vanishing into this strange phenomenon, and not just passing through to the other side of this rip in space. Wufei's wrist is still visible, and we can watch his muscles as his hand moves back and forth as if in search of something. Finding the item in question, the movement stops and his hand withdraws, bringing with it his trusty katana. Though the black area in space seems to be perfectly flat, and therefore have no depth, more and more of the katana reveals itself as Wufei continues to draw it in slow motion.
Finally, the wickedly sharp point of the blade comes free, and the tear in space closes behind it. Time speeds back up to normal, and the view changes to show the faces of both pilots.
Wufei: KISAMAAAA!
Duo: EEP!!
As Duo jumps to his feet and overturns his chair, Phelan pulls a large stereo system out of nowhere and turns it on. The "Ride of the Valkyries" begins to play as Duo bolts in a random direction. Wufei gives chase, in hot pursuit and occasionally swinging the razor-sharp blade at Duo's braid, which is flapping behind the rapidly vanishing pilot.
Phelan: Ah, I can't start my day without the sight of them running like crazy.
******************
Phelan: At the request of some other fans, I have decided to include Spandex Space. Everyone's always asking "just where *does* Heero keep that gun of his?" Well, after much deliberation, bribery, and violence, I've managed to get Heero to explain this little mystery. Heero?
Heero steps out, shoots the mother-of-all-deathglares at Phelan, then mutters.
Phelan: What was that, Heero?
Heero: I won't do it.
Phelan: But you promised! You even signed a contract.
Phelan reaches into a pocket and pulls out a folded sheet of paper, which he then opens up and begins to read.
Phelan: Ahem. I, Heero Yuy, agree to divulge the secret of Spandex Space in exchange for the following: (1) Punching dummy with Relena's likeness. (2) A more powerful laptop. (3) Fingerprint scanner for Wing Zero's cockpit. You signed it yourself, Heero. Would you really choose to fail a mission?
Heero: Dammit! You just had to put it that way, didn't you?
Phelan: Of course... I'm half Mazoku, remember? I *enjoy* doing stuff like this.
Heero: Fine, I'll tell. You'd just get me to do it anyway. The secret to Spandex Space is... is...
Phelan(holding out a tape recorder in one hand, the other hand poised over a typewriter): Go on...
Heero: Hn. Spandex Space is simply a small piece of Hammerspace woven into my shorts.
Phelan(facefaults): That's it?!? The whole time, you just had access to hammerspace and nobody else knew?! Augh!
Phelan creates a pillar of wood nearby, and stomps over to it, where he bangs his head repeatedly.
Phelan: I *whack* don't *whack* believe *whack* he *whack* could *whack* just...
Phelan continues to smack his forehead against the column, muttering and swearing as Heero crosses his arms and manages to look smug.
*****************
Phelan, sporting a small red mark from the column, is standing by himself, the pilots off in the distance.
Phelan: Alright, this time around we're going to show you folks the "glomp." I've put the guys over there so they won't hear this. A glomp generally happens when one person is overjoyed to be in the presence of another, and attaches themselves to this person tighter than a leech. Generally, the glomper wraps their arms around the glompee's neck, while wrapping their legs around the glompee's waist. If done properly, this renders the glompee completely immobile, and often results in both people falling to the ground. If the glomper is very good, they usually land on top, where they can pin the glompee to the ground for *ahem* various reasons. While this is generally performed with fangirls, I've decided not to drag any in here today, after what happened when Quatre was demonstrating "kawaii." For this one, there's going to be some people acting just a *little* out of character. Lets go watch.
Suddenly materializing next to the pilots, Phelan snaps his fingers and summons Relena, Hilde, Midii, Dorothy, and Sally Po, who appear out of sight, behind the pilots. All five ladies' eyes widen as they spot their favorite pilot, and each charge forward in a desperate attempt to glomp. Duo is about to ask what the next demonstration will be when he, and all the other pilots, are glomped from behind. Taken completely by surprise, most of the pilots are soon flat on their stomachs as the momentum of the girls bowls them over. Heero wobbles for a few seconds under Relena's weight, but gives in as her glomp nearly cuts off his air supply. Trowa is the only one left standing, proof that being in the circus improves one's balance.
The girls all squeal with delight, having caught their *possible* boyfriends. The five gundam pilots squirm and attempt to escape, but the girls are strong and quite well versed in the art of the glomp. Quatre manages to get an arm free (probably from all of his practice dealing with fangirls) and signals to Dorothy that he'd like to breathe. She loosens her grip just enough for Quatre to resume breathing, but even he can't break loose. Duo's eyes widen as Hilde shifts her position slightly.
Phelan: It looks like Shinigami is actually enjoying this... Crap. Hilde, cut that out! This fic is only going to be PG-13!
Hilde pouts, but does stop her advances. She refuses to let go, but Phelan watches the Wufei/Sally glomp with interest. Wufei has turned purple by now, though his breathing is unobstructed. Sally nuzzles her chin against his neck as steam begins to erupt from Justice-boy's ears.
Phelan: Oh boy, here he goes...
Wufei: Baka onna, GET OFF! INJUSTICE!! For the love of Nataku, release me!
Wufei continues to rant as Sally sighs contentedly. Heero seems to have slipped into a coma as Relena latches onto him stronger than any other.
Phelan: Relena! I don't think Heero is going to like that. HEY! Cut that out! Don't make me get a fire hose!
Before the fic turns into an NC-17 story of lust, Phelan personally separates each glomper and their victim before tossing them back into a plot hole.
Phelan: Ye Gods! I had no idea they'd be that strong!
Heero: I think she broke my arm.
Duo: Ack! He's going to set the bone again, isn't he!? Don't make me watch, it's sick!
Phelan, in a show of pity for all the glomping, snaps his fingers and heals Heero's arm.
Heero: Hn.
Phelan: I'll take that as a "thanks."
Duo: Hey, why couldn't you just make them disappear? Why'd ya have to pull them off by hand?
Phelan: Well, they really *were* glomping you guys hard. I almost couldn't tell where you guys ended and they began.
All five pilots collectively shudder.
********************
Again, Phelan is standing far away from the pilots.
Phelan: Okay, this time we're going back to some phrases. Hentai is literally, abnormality, but is commonly used as an exclamation by one person to declare another person as a pervert. Ecchi is literally indecent or lewd, and is used as a slightly more insulting way of calling someone a pervert than Hentai. I'll try to keep this one within the realm of PG-13 folks, so don't worry... much. I have called in the Lovely Angels yet again, as the presence of both sexes is just about mandatory for something like this.
The five pilots and Phelan are once again standing as a group, when Phelan pulls in the "Lovely Angels" Kei and Yuri, who, like the earlier demonstration, are standing behind the gundam pilots. Duo's 'babe alert' goes off, and he spins around, drooling at the two trouble consultants.
Duo: Wow! Would you look at the-
Trowa(lightly bonking Duo on the back of his head): Ecchi.
Wufei(managing to hold off the nosebleed): Quiet, Barton. For once, I think I actually agree with Maxwell on this.
Heero: Hn, me too.
Quatre(trying hard not to blush): Hentai.
Kei: Oh great, not those guys again. Hey Phelan, why do you keep bringing us here to be ogled by them?
Phelan: I thought I told you already. I'm showing some people various expressions and sayings they may encounter in a Japanese-influenced piece of writing, and I need these guys to demonstrate for me.
Yuri: Well, I just want to know if this is going to be the last time you pull this on us. I was just about to go on a date...
Phelan: Alright, you can go. They've already finished this one. I honestly expected to have to wake them up again, like the last time. See you later.
******************
Phelan is standing with the pilots again, minus the Lovely Angels.
Phelan: Okay, this time I want you people to watch the looks on their face when I tell them what we're doing now...
Duo: Why do I think I should be running away very, very fast?
Wufei: And why do *I* want to do the same thing?
Phelan: That's because I'm going to explain the terms Yaoi-
All five pilots: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
True to his word, Duo starts running away, but Wufei is not the only one running with him. The whole group of pilots streak off into the distance, leaving five cartoon holes in the Featureless White Room's wall, each shaped exactly like the pilot who created it.
Phelan: -and Yuri. *However,* I'm NOT going to ask for any demonstrations for this one. I do have some morals.
Phelan pulls what looks like a zipper from his pocket and places it where the floor meets the wall. Pulling up, he unzips a plot hole, and the pilots run out.
Quatre(pulling up to a stop): He got us.
Wufei: Kuso.
Phelan: As I was *about* to tell you before you all took off, you don't have to demonstrate this one. I only said it in your presence to see what you'd do.
Quatre: You really *are* evil, aren't you?
Duo: You're only just now getting that?
Phelan grins, baring his teeth as the pilots edge away from the deranged author.
Phelan: Just sit down and keep quiet.
Each pilot sits down on the chairs that have emerged from the floor.
Phelan: Thank you. Now, Yaoi is a term meaning boy-love. If you see that in the description of a fic, it generally means that two of these guys (Phelan waves a hand in the pilot's direction) are considered a couple. Yuri is pretty much the same thing, though it means that two women are a couple. For some reason, Gundam Wing Yuri will almost always end up with Dorothy and Relena paired up.
All five men collectively shudder at the thought.
Phelan: Alright guys, I think that's enough for today.
The Gundam Guys all smile as they begin to dematerialize.
**************************
Phelan turns and faces the audience once more.
Phelan: Well? Anybody think I forgot something? Don't worry Mitsukai-hime, I haven't forgotten your suggestions. That'll probably go into the next chapter, if I ever get off my lazy *&^ and write it.
Konoko: Another fic in which you completely forgot me! How could you, I'm your muse!
Phelan: Well, you're here now, aren't you?
Konoko: You know what I mean. You just use me to do all the dirty work, then you punt me off into orbit until you need me again.
Phelan: Your point?
Konoko: Why you... DIE!
Konoko proceeds to beat the crap out of Phelan. From inside the cartoon fight-cloud, Phelan's voice is heard.
Phelan: Don't forget to, *WHACK* itai, review people! I'll keep on, *WHACK* itai, writing as long as the suggestions, *WHACK* itai, and reviews keep coming in! *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* ITAI!
Konoko: Aww, you weren't expecting that, were you? Filia lent me her mace when I told her you'd been talking to Xelloss again.
Phelan: Nani? I haven't talked to him in a week!
Konoko: Oh, I know that... But Filia doesn't.
Phelan appears within the much-loved/hated Featureless White Room and looks around, "hmm"ing and inspecting the room.
Phelan: Well, it looks like the room is okay. I guess I stopped Quatre's floodtears in time. Ah well, I have other things to worry about.
The gundam boys fall into the FWR. They get up and dust themselves off.
Wufei: So what are you going to have us show our audience today?
Phelan: Sore wa himitsu desu! C'mon, we don't have all day. On with the fic!
***************
Phelan: Okay, we're going to try to explain Hammerspace/Authorspace now. It's kinda like another dimension, and is used by anime characters to store items instead of having to lug around bags or boxes. Hammerspace first started as a way female characters could store very large hammers (hence the name) that they'd use to bash male characters that had made inappropriate, offensive, or suggestive remarks. On to the example!
Duo and Wufei are sitting next to each other at a table. For about thirty seconds, peace and quiet reigns. Then Duo begins tapping out a drumbeat with his fingers on the tabletop. Wufei narrows his eyes, but remains still. Duo, who is really getting into his song, starts to nod his head to the beat of whatever song is running through his mind. One of Wufei's eyebrows twitch, but he regains control.
Duo continues to drum on the table while nodding his head, but soon starts humming the tune and tapping his feet. Wufei's hands curl up into fists, the eyebrow twitches again, but he stays seated. Duo, completely oblivious to his surroundings, begins to sing:
Duo: Just wild beat communication, ame ni utare nagara, iroasenai atsui omoi, karada-juu de tsutaetai yo tonight!
Wufei gives in, leaps to his feet and starts yelling.
Wufei: Duo no baka! Omae o korosu!
With that, he reaches over his shoulder. Thanks to high-speed cameras placed in the room, we can witness this action in slow motion. As Wufei's hand passes over his shoulder, a small black line seems to cut through the air behind him. It widens in the middle, a flat sheet of black suspended in midair. Wufei's hand plunges into the black depths. From the side, it is clear that his hand is vanishing into this strange phenomenon, and not just passing through to the other side of this rip in space. Wufei's wrist is still visible, and we can watch his muscles as his hand moves back and forth as if in search of something. Finding the item in question, the movement stops and his hand withdraws, bringing with it his trusty katana. Though the black area in space seems to be perfectly flat, and therefore have no depth, more and more of the katana reveals itself as Wufei continues to draw it in slow motion.
Finally, the wickedly sharp point of the blade comes free, and the tear in space closes behind it. Time speeds back up to normal, and the view changes to show the faces of both pilots.
Wufei: KISAMAAAA!
Duo: EEP!!
As Duo jumps to his feet and overturns his chair, Phelan pulls a large stereo system out of nowhere and turns it on. The "Ride of the Valkyries" begins to play as Duo bolts in a random direction. Wufei gives chase, in hot pursuit and occasionally swinging the razor-sharp blade at Duo's braid, which is flapping behind the rapidly vanishing pilot.
Phelan: Ah, I can't start my day without the sight of them running like crazy.
******************
Phelan: At the request of some other fans, I have decided to include Spandex Space. Everyone's always asking "just where *does* Heero keep that gun of his?" Well, after much deliberation, bribery, and violence, I've managed to get Heero to explain this little mystery. Heero?
Heero steps out, shoots the mother-of-all-deathglares at Phelan, then mutters.
Phelan: What was that, Heero?
Heero: I won't do it.
Phelan: But you promised! You even signed a contract.
Phelan reaches into a pocket and pulls out a folded sheet of paper, which he then opens up and begins to read.
Phelan: Ahem. I, Heero Yuy, agree to divulge the secret of Spandex Space in exchange for the following: (1) Punching dummy with Relena's likeness. (2) A more powerful laptop. (3) Fingerprint scanner for Wing Zero's cockpit. You signed it yourself, Heero. Would you really choose to fail a mission?
Heero: Dammit! You just had to put it that way, didn't you?
Phelan: Of course... I'm half Mazoku, remember? I *enjoy* doing stuff like this.
Heero: Fine, I'll tell. You'd just get me to do it anyway. The secret to Spandex Space is... is...
Phelan(holding out a tape recorder in one hand, the other hand poised over a typewriter): Go on...
Heero: Hn. Spandex Space is simply a small piece of Hammerspace woven into my shorts.
Phelan(facefaults): That's it?!? The whole time, you just had access to hammerspace and nobody else knew?! Augh!
Phelan creates a pillar of wood nearby, and stomps over to it, where he bangs his head repeatedly.
Phelan: I *whack* don't *whack* believe *whack* he *whack* could *whack* just...
Phelan continues to smack his forehead against the column, muttering and swearing as Heero crosses his arms and manages to look smug.
*****************
Phelan, sporting a small red mark from the column, is standing by himself, the pilots off in the distance.
Phelan: Alright, this time around we're going to show you folks the "glomp." I've put the guys over there so they won't hear this. A glomp generally happens when one person is overjoyed to be in the presence of another, and attaches themselves to this person tighter than a leech. Generally, the glomper wraps their arms around the glompee's neck, while wrapping their legs around the glompee's waist. If done properly, this renders the glompee completely immobile, and often results in both people falling to the ground. If the glomper is very good, they usually land on top, where they can pin the glompee to the ground for *ahem* various reasons. While this is generally performed with fangirls, I've decided not to drag any in here today, after what happened when Quatre was demonstrating "kawaii." For this one, there's going to be some people acting just a *little* out of character. Lets go watch.
Suddenly materializing next to the pilots, Phelan snaps his fingers and summons Relena, Hilde, Midii, Dorothy, and Sally Po, who appear out of sight, behind the pilots. All five ladies' eyes widen as they spot their favorite pilot, and each charge forward in a desperate attempt to glomp. Duo is about to ask what the next demonstration will be when he, and all the other pilots, are glomped from behind. Taken completely by surprise, most of the pilots are soon flat on their stomachs as the momentum of the girls bowls them over. Heero wobbles for a few seconds under Relena's weight, but gives in as her glomp nearly cuts off his air supply. Trowa is the only one left standing, proof that being in the circus improves one's balance.
The girls all squeal with delight, having caught their *possible* boyfriends. The five gundam pilots squirm and attempt to escape, but the girls are strong and quite well versed in the art of the glomp. Quatre manages to get an arm free (probably from all of his practice dealing with fangirls) and signals to Dorothy that he'd like to breathe. She loosens her grip just enough for Quatre to resume breathing, but even he can't break loose. Duo's eyes widen as Hilde shifts her position slightly.
Phelan: It looks like Shinigami is actually enjoying this... Crap. Hilde, cut that out! This fic is only going to be PG-13!
Hilde pouts, but does stop her advances. She refuses to let go, but Phelan watches the Wufei/Sally glomp with interest. Wufei has turned purple by now, though his breathing is unobstructed. Sally nuzzles her chin against his neck as steam begins to erupt from Justice-boy's ears.
Phelan: Oh boy, here he goes...
Wufei: Baka onna, GET OFF! INJUSTICE!! For the love of Nataku, release me!
Wufei continues to rant as Sally sighs contentedly. Heero seems to have slipped into a coma as Relena latches onto him stronger than any other.
Phelan: Relena! I don't think Heero is going to like that. HEY! Cut that out! Don't make me get a fire hose!
Before the fic turns into an NC-17 story of lust, Phelan personally separates each glomper and their victim before tossing them back into a plot hole.
Phelan: Ye Gods! I had no idea they'd be that strong!
Heero: I think she broke my arm.
Duo: Ack! He's going to set the bone again, isn't he!? Don't make me watch, it's sick!
Phelan, in a show of pity for all the glomping, snaps his fingers and heals Heero's arm.
Heero: Hn.
Phelan: I'll take that as a "thanks."
Duo: Hey, why couldn't you just make them disappear? Why'd ya have to pull them off by hand?
Phelan: Well, they really *were* glomping you guys hard. I almost couldn't tell where you guys ended and they began.
All five pilots collectively shudder.
********************
Again, Phelan is standing far away from the pilots.
Phelan: Okay, this time we're going back to some phrases. Hentai is literally, abnormality, but is commonly used as an exclamation by one person to declare another person as a pervert. Ecchi is literally indecent or lewd, and is used as a slightly more insulting way of calling someone a pervert than Hentai. I'll try to keep this one within the realm of PG-13 folks, so don't worry... much. I have called in the Lovely Angels yet again, as the presence of both sexes is just about mandatory for something like this.
The five pilots and Phelan are once again standing as a group, when Phelan pulls in the "Lovely Angels" Kei and Yuri, who, like the earlier demonstration, are standing behind the gundam pilots. Duo's 'babe alert' goes off, and he spins around, drooling at the two trouble consultants.
Duo: Wow! Would you look at the-
Trowa(lightly bonking Duo on the back of his head): Ecchi.
Wufei(managing to hold off the nosebleed): Quiet, Barton. For once, I think I actually agree with Maxwell on this.
Heero: Hn, me too.
Quatre(trying hard not to blush): Hentai.
Kei: Oh great, not those guys again. Hey Phelan, why do you keep bringing us here to be ogled by them?
Phelan: I thought I told you already. I'm showing some people various expressions and sayings they may encounter in a Japanese-influenced piece of writing, and I need these guys to demonstrate for me.
Yuri: Well, I just want to know if this is going to be the last time you pull this on us. I was just about to go on a date...
Phelan: Alright, you can go. They've already finished this one. I honestly expected to have to wake them up again, like the last time. See you later.
******************
Phelan is standing with the pilots again, minus the Lovely Angels.
Phelan: Okay, this time I want you people to watch the looks on their face when I tell them what we're doing now...
Duo: Why do I think I should be running away very, very fast?
Wufei: And why do *I* want to do the same thing?
Phelan: That's because I'm going to explain the terms Yaoi-
All five pilots: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
True to his word, Duo starts running away, but Wufei is not the only one running with him. The whole group of pilots streak off into the distance, leaving five cartoon holes in the Featureless White Room's wall, each shaped exactly like the pilot who created it.
Phelan: -and Yuri. *However,* I'm NOT going to ask for any demonstrations for this one. I do have some morals.
Phelan pulls what looks like a zipper from his pocket and places it where the floor meets the wall. Pulling up, he unzips a plot hole, and the pilots run out.
Quatre(pulling up to a stop): He got us.
Wufei: Kuso.
Phelan: As I was *about* to tell you before you all took off, you don't have to demonstrate this one. I only said it in your presence to see what you'd do.
Quatre: You really *are* evil, aren't you?
Duo: You're only just now getting that?
Phelan grins, baring his teeth as the pilots edge away from the deranged author.
Phelan: Just sit down and keep quiet.
Each pilot sits down on the chairs that have emerged from the floor.
Phelan: Thank you. Now, Yaoi is a term meaning boy-love. If you see that in the description of a fic, it generally means that two of these guys (Phelan waves a hand in the pilot's direction) are considered a couple. Yuri is pretty much the same thing, though it means that two women are a couple. For some reason, Gundam Wing Yuri will almost always end up with Dorothy and Relena paired up.
All five men collectively shudder at the thought.
Phelan: Alright guys, I think that's enough for today.
The Gundam Guys all smile as they begin to dematerialize.
**************************
Phelan turns and faces the audience once more.
Phelan: Well? Anybody think I forgot something? Don't worry Mitsukai-hime, I haven't forgotten your suggestions. That'll probably go into the next chapter, if I ever get off my lazy *&^ and write it.
Konoko: Another fic in which you completely forgot me! How could you, I'm your muse!
Phelan: Well, you're here now, aren't you?
Konoko: You know what I mean. You just use me to do all the dirty work, then you punt me off into orbit until you need me again.
Phelan: Your point?
Konoko: Why you... DIE!
Konoko proceeds to beat the crap out of Phelan. From inside the cartoon fight-cloud, Phelan's voice is heard.
Phelan: Don't forget to, *WHACK* itai, review people! I'll keep on, *WHACK* itai, writing as long as the suggestions, *WHACK* itai, and reviews keep coming in! *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* *WHACK* ITAI!
Konoko: Aww, you weren't expecting that, were you? Filia lent me her mace when I told her you'd been talking to Xelloss again.
Phelan: Nani? I haven't talked to him in a week!
Konoko: Oh, I know that... But Filia doesn't.