Phelan blurs into the Featurless White Room. He looks tired and irritable. Warping space, he creates an espresso machine designed for large restaurants. Then Phelan calls up a portable cold fusion reactor (ain't sci-fi great?) and plugs them together. Pulling the lever, the espresso machine beeps at him until he gets it through his sleep-addled skull that it needs ingredients. Whipping out a hundred-pound bag, he empties it into the hopper. A fire hydrant appears and Phelan fills the machine up. Finally the machine begins chugging away for the weary author. As the machine nears the completion of its task, Phelan pulls out a mug twice the size of any normal one. Looking at it, he shakes his head and tosses it over his shoulder. Laying down on his back, Phelan positions his open mouth beneath the nozzle. Turning the knob, he releases the potent brew and begins drinking.
Time passes. Phelan remains in this position until the machine runs dry. Sitting up, he reaches for his emergency stash and removes a twenty-four case of Jolt. Each one quickly follows the other down his throat until all are gone. Soon the massive overdose of caffeine reaches his brain, jerking Phelan back to the realm of the waking. He blinks twice, lets loose with a deep yawn, and begins to work on the kinks in his sore neck.
Phelan: Next time folks, don't get over here so early.
Konoko: Um, do you realize it's 11:30?
Phelan(stopping in mid-stretch): Really? @$#%!! I gotta stop watching my GW DVDs. 'Specially episode 20, the one where Trowa blasts Deathscythe. No wonder I didn't sleep well last night!
Konoko: Ahem!
Phelan: Oh, that's right. Okay, lets get "Anime in 12 Easy Steps," part FIVE going, shall we? Cue the disclaimer, aaaaannd ACTION!!
Disclaimer:
Sitting here and making wishes,
So much better than washing dishes,
Owning Gundam Wing'd be great,
Instead of just a model Vayeate.
And, as Phelan vows never to write poetry again, we begin the fic.
**********************
Phelan(stifling a yawn): This part is going to be about the favorite catchphrase of a certain monster.
Konoko: Gee, going on a bit of an ego trip, aren't we?
Phelan: Not me! It belongs to someone else. Ladies and Gentlemen, Authors and Authoresses, readers and fans of all ages, allow me to introduce to you that... ::Phelan pulls out an index card:: Master of Mayhem, the Trickster of the Monster Race, Your Friend and Mine, Xellos!!
Konoko(whispering in Phelan's ear): Please, PLEASE tell me you didn't write that...
Phelan(whispering back): Are you kidding?!?! He wrote it, not me!
What appears to be a young man, dressed as a priest, teleports into existance several feet above the floor. He hovers there, in the lotus position and with a smile on his face. Xellos is holding on to his staff-with-large-red-gem, and has his eyes closed, per his usual greeting. Somehow, he is still aware of his surroundings, despite the closed eyes.
Xellos: So, you finally got around to calling me in?
Phelan: Yeah, so sorry for the delay. Ready?
Xellos: Whenever you are. So, where are my victims?
Phelan: I was just about to bring them in.
The Gundam Pilots appear. A look of "Oh great, this %$&# again" crosses their faces before they notice the Trickster Priest.
Trowa: That better not be another author.
Xellos: Nope, I'm just another character sucked out of my world by Phelan.
Phelan(to the audience): Alright people, Xellos will soon be gracing us with his one-liner soon. So as not to spoil the surprise, all I can reveal is the fact that: "That's a secret."
Duo: So, did Phelan tell you what we're doing here?
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.
Wufei: Ah, did he happen to tell you why you're here?
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu!
Duo: Great, this guy is impossible. Hey, Perfect Soldier! I think you've just met the Perfect Prisoner. Sounds like he wouldn't tell anything, no matter how hard you try to get it out of him.
Heero: Mission: Accepted.
Xellos gets a puzzled look on his face as Heero advances. Phelan and Konoko shake their heads.
Konoko: Do you think Heero knows what he's getting himself into?
Phelan: I doubt it, but the audience will love it!
Hours Later...
Heero: Will you tell me why Phelan brought any of us here?
Xellos(spread out on the rack, medieval torture-style, but still grinning): Sore wa himitsu desu!
Heero(deathglare): Why are you grinning?
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.
Duo: Ugh, this is worse than watching Heero resetting his leg!
Wufei: What's the matter, Maxwell, *weak* stomach?
Duo: No, I'm just not sure I want to be here when Heero goes berserk.
Trowa: Duo's got a point.
Quatre(rather pale): ....
Trowa: Quatre, WAKE UP!
Duo: Yeah, he stole your line, Trowa!
Heero(stepping back from the rack, untying Xellos): I ... I failed my mission.
The other pilots drop their jaws and stare at the humiliated pilot and his still-grinning captive.
Wufei: There, *There* is a strong man! Tell me, how did you resist Yuy's interrogation?
Xellos(grin widens): Sore wa himitsu desu!
Wufei(draws Katana): $^&%@$%&^%$*(&*(!#@%!!!!!
Phelan: Wufei, forget it. Use this.
Phelan pulls a heavy, spiked mace from Slayers and tosses it to Wufei. Wufei manages to catch it, but is knocked on his back, the considerable weight of the mace pinning him to the floor of the Featureless White Room.
Wufei: And you expect me to hit him *HOW*?
Xellos: Surely you aren't having a problem with Filia's mace, are you? She pummels *me* with it on a regular basis.
Wufei(lower lip quivers): NATAKUUUU!!!! I AM WEAK!!!
Duo: Oh man, Wufei's gonna have a hard time with this one.
Quatre: C'mon guys. We have to help him!
Trowa: Sure.
Duo, Trowa and Quatre go to free him and begin nursing his bruised ego.
Duo: Man, this thing weighs a ton! Phelan, are you *sure* some girl lugs this $%*# thing around?
Wufei(groaning): Nataku, forgive me. I am not worthy of you.
Phelan: Yep. Her name *is* Filia, and she does beat Xellos into a pulp all the time. The funny part is, when she isn't using it she keeps it hooked on a garter on her leg.
Wufei goes white as a ghost, and is about to pass out when Phelan intervenes.
Phelan: There are two reasons why you shouldn't worry, Wufei. First; she's a Golden Dragon in the form of a human, and second; the physics in the world of Slayers is just a *bit* different.
Wufei stops muttering something about a ritual suicide, and snaps out of his latest bout of depression.
Wufei: You're not just saying that, are you?
Xellos: Of course he isn't! I'd introduce you to her, but she'd probably make a fuss about her mace being stolen.
Phelan(smacking his forehead): I knew I shouldn't have let you ask her to borrow it. She's going to slaughter all of us.
Konoko: Not me. I didn't have anything to do with it. Bye!
Konoko, like any muse, leaves her author hanging while she saves her own hide. (1)
Phelan: Well, this is not good. Hey guys, think we can hurry through the next one?
Duo: Why should we?
Xellos: Because, the sooner you finish, the sooner Phelan will send you back to Gundam wing, where Filia won't be able to knock you silly with this. (Xellos hefts the mace and lightly taps it in the palm of his hand)
Duo: Well, when you put it *that* way...
All five pilots: Let's go!
Quatre: By the way, shouldn't Xellos be lifting that thing with a forklift instead of one arm?
Trowa: Good point.
Phelan: Oops, did I forget to mention to you guys that he is a full-blooded Mazoku?
Wufei(developing a nervous tic in his eyebrow): And just how did you forget a *minor* little detail like that?
Phelan looks at Xellos, recieves a grin, and turns back to the pilots.
Phelan: Sore wa himitsu desu!
**********************
Phelan: Ah, now I know why you use that phrase, Xel. The looks on their faces!!
Xellos: Glad I could help. I'd better get going.
Phelan: Just who do you think you're kidding?!?! You did it for the food!
Xellos: Maybe I did. But I still have to go.
Phelan: Sure. Just be sure to give Filia her mace; hopefully before she realizes it's gone.
Xellos: I'll see what I can do.
Xellos vanishes, leaving Phelan cursing.
Quatre: What's wrong? He said he'd try to return the mace before she found out.
Phelan: Yeah, but you don't know him like I do. Chances are, he's telling her what happened, and of course, he'll twist it eeever so slightly so she'll be insane with fury. Then he'll be back just in time to watch the fireworks.
Duo: Sounds kinda like someone I know...
Phelan: Better not finish that sentence, or I'll keep you here when I send the rest of you back.
Duo: Shutting up now.
Phelan: Thank you. Now, we'd better get back on track. For those of you who don't speak Japanese, daijobu is a way of asking someone if they're alright. Most of the time, you'll hear it when some form of physical violence happens to somebody. For example...
Relena and ten Heero-loving fangirls get pulled into the Featureless White Room. The ten fangirls spot she-who-stalks-and-shrieks, then grab the nearest weapons they can get their hands on. The air is filled with the sound of Nerf(tm) foam baseball bats repeatedly bouncing off Relena's head. After thirty seconds, the pounding stops as all ten fangirls vanish, taking the foam bats with them. Quatre runs up to the dazed Peacecraft, followed more slowly (read that as reluctantly) by Heero.
Quatre: Daijobu, Relena?
Heero(almost monotone, but with a trace of amusement): Daijobu, Relena?
Relena: Preeetty stars and birdies!! *Thud*
Phelan: Ah, I think I've finally done it. Relena-Bashing, but she recovers fast enough to go for a second round! Okay, I hope this most recent chapter is enough to hold you until the next time I get off my lazy backside to write again. 'Till next time, and remember: Multiple personalities means you always have a scapegoat. Review, folks!
(1) Not to bash *all* muses, just the ones I've met so far.
Any flames, complaints, or insults? Send them to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. Remember to put an old-fashioned alarm clock (the kind that tick) inside the box, and make sure your return address is legibly written so that the Secret Service can properly thank you for your suggestions. Or, if you don't have the time, email them to me at clanmasakari@yahoo.com.
Time passes. Phelan remains in this position until the machine runs dry. Sitting up, he reaches for his emergency stash and removes a twenty-four case of Jolt. Each one quickly follows the other down his throat until all are gone. Soon the massive overdose of caffeine reaches his brain, jerking Phelan back to the realm of the waking. He blinks twice, lets loose with a deep yawn, and begins to work on the kinks in his sore neck.
Phelan: Next time folks, don't get over here so early.
Konoko: Um, do you realize it's 11:30?
Phelan(stopping in mid-stretch): Really? @$#%!! I gotta stop watching my GW DVDs. 'Specially episode 20, the one where Trowa blasts Deathscythe. No wonder I didn't sleep well last night!
Konoko: Ahem!
Phelan: Oh, that's right. Okay, lets get "Anime in 12 Easy Steps," part FIVE going, shall we? Cue the disclaimer, aaaaannd ACTION!!
Disclaimer:
Sitting here and making wishes,
So much better than washing dishes,
Owning Gundam Wing'd be great,
Instead of just a model Vayeate.
And, as Phelan vows never to write poetry again, we begin the fic.
**********************
Phelan(stifling a yawn): This part is going to be about the favorite catchphrase of a certain monster.
Konoko: Gee, going on a bit of an ego trip, aren't we?
Phelan: Not me! It belongs to someone else. Ladies and Gentlemen, Authors and Authoresses, readers and fans of all ages, allow me to introduce to you that... ::Phelan pulls out an index card:: Master of Mayhem, the Trickster of the Monster Race, Your Friend and Mine, Xellos!!
Konoko(whispering in Phelan's ear): Please, PLEASE tell me you didn't write that...
Phelan(whispering back): Are you kidding?!?! He wrote it, not me!
What appears to be a young man, dressed as a priest, teleports into existance several feet above the floor. He hovers there, in the lotus position and with a smile on his face. Xellos is holding on to his staff-with-large-red-gem, and has his eyes closed, per his usual greeting. Somehow, he is still aware of his surroundings, despite the closed eyes.
Xellos: So, you finally got around to calling me in?
Phelan: Yeah, so sorry for the delay. Ready?
Xellos: Whenever you are. So, where are my victims?
Phelan: I was just about to bring them in.
The Gundam Pilots appear. A look of "Oh great, this %$&# again" crosses their faces before they notice the Trickster Priest.
Trowa: That better not be another author.
Xellos: Nope, I'm just another character sucked out of my world by Phelan.
Phelan(to the audience): Alright people, Xellos will soon be gracing us with his one-liner soon. So as not to spoil the surprise, all I can reveal is the fact that: "That's a secret."
Duo: So, did Phelan tell you what we're doing here?
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.
Wufei: Ah, did he happen to tell you why you're here?
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu!
Duo: Great, this guy is impossible. Hey, Perfect Soldier! I think you've just met the Perfect Prisoner. Sounds like he wouldn't tell anything, no matter how hard you try to get it out of him.
Heero: Mission: Accepted.
Xellos gets a puzzled look on his face as Heero advances. Phelan and Konoko shake their heads.
Konoko: Do you think Heero knows what he's getting himself into?
Phelan: I doubt it, but the audience will love it!
Hours Later...
Heero: Will you tell me why Phelan brought any of us here?
Xellos(spread out on the rack, medieval torture-style, but still grinning): Sore wa himitsu desu!
Heero(deathglare): Why are you grinning?
Xellos: Sore wa himitsu desu.
Duo: Ugh, this is worse than watching Heero resetting his leg!
Wufei: What's the matter, Maxwell, *weak* stomach?
Duo: No, I'm just not sure I want to be here when Heero goes berserk.
Trowa: Duo's got a point.
Quatre(rather pale): ....
Trowa: Quatre, WAKE UP!
Duo: Yeah, he stole your line, Trowa!
Heero(stepping back from the rack, untying Xellos): I ... I failed my mission.
The other pilots drop their jaws and stare at the humiliated pilot and his still-grinning captive.
Wufei: There, *There* is a strong man! Tell me, how did you resist Yuy's interrogation?
Xellos(grin widens): Sore wa himitsu desu!
Wufei(draws Katana): $^&%@$%&^%$*(&*(!#@%!!!!!
Phelan: Wufei, forget it. Use this.
Phelan pulls a heavy, spiked mace from Slayers and tosses it to Wufei. Wufei manages to catch it, but is knocked on his back, the considerable weight of the mace pinning him to the floor of the Featureless White Room.
Wufei: And you expect me to hit him *HOW*?
Xellos: Surely you aren't having a problem with Filia's mace, are you? She pummels *me* with it on a regular basis.
Wufei(lower lip quivers): NATAKUUUU!!!! I AM WEAK!!!
Duo: Oh man, Wufei's gonna have a hard time with this one.
Quatre: C'mon guys. We have to help him!
Trowa: Sure.
Duo, Trowa and Quatre go to free him and begin nursing his bruised ego.
Duo: Man, this thing weighs a ton! Phelan, are you *sure* some girl lugs this $%*# thing around?
Wufei(groaning): Nataku, forgive me. I am not worthy of you.
Phelan: Yep. Her name *is* Filia, and she does beat Xellos into a pulp all the time. The funny part is, when she isn't using it she keeps it hooked on a garter on her leg.
Wufei goes white as a ghost, and is about to pass out when Phelan intervenes.
Phelan: There are two reasons why you shouldn't worry, Wufei. First; she's a Golden Dragon in the form of a human, and second; the physics in the world of Slayers is just a *bit* different.
Wufei stops muttering something about a ritual suicide, and snaps out of his latest bout of depression.
Wufei: You're not just saying that, are you?
Xellos: Of course he isn't! I'd introduce you to her, but she'd probably make a fuss about her mace being stolen.
Phelan(smacking his forehead): I knew I shouldn't have let you ask her to borrow it. She's going to slaughter all of us.
Konoko: Not me. I didn't have anything to do with it. Bye!
Konoko, like any muse, leaves her author hanging while she saves her own hide. (1)
Phelan: Well, this is not good. Hey guys, think we can hurry through the next one?
Duo: Why should we?
Xellos: Because, the sooner you finish, the sooner Phelan will send you back to Gundam wing, where Filia won't be able to knock you silly with this. (Xellos hefts the mace and lightly taps it in the palm of his hand)
Duo: Well, when you put it *that* way...
All five pilots: Let's go!
Quatre: By the way, shouldn't Xellos be lifting that thing with a forklift instead of one arm?
Trowa: Good point.
Phelan: Oops, did I forget to mention to you guys that he is a full-blooded Mazoku?
Wufei(developing a nervous tic in his eyebrow): And just how did you forget a *minor* little detail like that?
Phelan looks at Xellos, recieves a grin, and turns back to the pilots.
Phelan: Sore wa himitsu desu!
**********************
Phelan: Ah, now I know why you use that phrase, Xel. The looks on their faces!!
Xellos: Glad I could help. I'd better get going.
Phelan: Just who do you think you're kidding?!?! You did it for the food!
Xellos: Maybe I did. But I still have to go.
Phelan: Sure. Just be sure to give Filia her mace; hopefully before she realizes it's gone.
Xellos: I'll see what I can do.
Xellos vanishes, leaving Phelan cursing.
Quatre: What's wrong? He said he'd try to return the mace before she found out.
Phelan: Yeah, but you don't know him like I do. Chances are, he's telling her what happened, and of course, he'll twist it eeever so slightly so she'll be insane with fury. Then he'll be back just in time to watch the fireworks.
Duo: Sounds kinda like someone I know...
Phelan: Better not finish that sentence, or I'll keep you here when I send the rest of you back.
Duo: Shutting up now.
Phelan: Thank you. Now, we'd better get back on track. For those of you who don't speak Japanese, daijobu is a way of asking someone if they're alright. Most of the time, you'll hear it when some form of physical violence happens to somebody. For example...
Relena and ten Heero-loving fangirls get pulled into the Featureless White Room. The ten fangirls spot she-who-stalks-and-shrieks, then grab the nearest weapons they can get their hands on. The air is filled with the sound of Nerf(tm) foam baseball bats repeatedly bouncing off Relena's head. After thirty seconds, the pounding stops as all ten fangirls vanish, taking the foam bats with them. Quatre runs up to the dazed Peacecraft, followed more slowly (read that as reluctantly) by Heero.
Quatre: Daijobu, Relena?
Heero(almost monotone, but with a trace of amusement): Daijobu, Relena?
Relena: Preeetty stars and birdies!! *Thud*
Phelan: Ah, I think I've finally done it. Relena-Bashing, but she recovers fast enough to go for a second round! Okay, I hope this most recent chapter is enough to hold you until the next time I get off my lazy backside to write again. 'Till next time, and remember: Multiple personalities means you always have a scapegoat. Review, folks!
(1) Not to bash *all* muses, just the ones I've met so far.
Any flames, complaints, or insults? Send them to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. Remember to put an old-fashioned alarm clock (the kind that tick) inside the box, and make sure your return address is legibly written so that the Secret Service can properly thank you for your suggestions. Or, if you don't have the time, email them to me at clanmasakari@yahoo.com.