Of Christmas Pies
What happens when the four students most likely to cause disaster that Hogwarts has ever produced team up, and try and bake a pie? The disaster that is sure to occur can only be something to laugh at. Follow Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs in their most exciting adventure yet.
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Whilst Sirius and Peter were browsing among aisles and aisles of Peanut Butter, James and Remus were having enough troubles of their own. Traveling down the sidewalk, James suddenly grabbed his friend's arm.
"Remus," he voiced nervously, "Have been to Cromwell Road very often?" Remus looked over at the other boy.
"Not regularly, why?"
"Well, that's where we are. I think we're lost." Remus glanced up at the street sign, and, sure enough, the duo could be found on Cromwell Road, all the way across town from their apartment. Remus shrugged James' arm off.
"Oh well," he said nonchalantly, "Perhaps there's a grocery on Cromwell." Looking his friend in the eye, James sighed.
"Maybe so. Come on, let's go." He started off down the street at a jog.
"Hey!" Remus called after him, "That rhymes! Wait for me!" And he set off, sprinting to catch up with his friend.
After wandering aimlessly around for the longest of times, ("Maybe ten whole minutes!" James had said.) James stopped short. Turning on his heel, Remus looked at him.
"Maybe we should ask someone. I don't know about you, but I still don't have any idea where we are." Remus sighed.
"If it'd make you feel any better, James, I suppose we could." James brightened.
"Great!"
"Come on Prongs." They made their way several yards down the street, when they ran into someone. I mean, literally, ran into him. They were going at such a speed, that they crashed into him, knocking him and his two little girls sprawling. Standing up and wiping dirty snow from his overcoat, the man looked more than a little annoyed. As he helped the blonde-headed girl to her feet, James spoke.
"Pardon me, but could you by any chance tell us if there's a grocery any where near here?" Helping the brown-haired girl to her feet, and adjusting her lurid pink earmuffs, he gave them such a cold look of annoyance that he could have curled socks, had Remus and James actually been a pair of woolen ones. Without giving an answer, the three walked away, the man donning a sour look, and the brunette girl whispering loudly, "Those were pretty people, Uncle Lucius!"
Shrugging at his friend, James turned to a fairly large woman walking by.
"Er – excuse me, ma'am, but could you please tell us if there's a grocery near here?"
"Why sure, lad!" The lady had a loud, booming Scottish voice, sounding a bit intoxicated, and, judging by her breath, Remus guessed that she had been treating herself to a bit more Christmas cheer than she should have.
"In fact," she continued, absently fiddling with the buttons on the front of her large, pale-orange dress, "I was heading in that gen'ral direction meself! Why don't you come along now, ey?"
"Er – I guess so, why not?" Remus replied, raising his eyebrows at his friend. As they walked along, the boys guessed that the woman, who identified herself as Mrs. MacArthur, was quite the more inebriated than they took her for at first. She talked on and on, hardly remembering that Remus and James were at her side.
"You boys will be what, eight, now then? Yes, I remember my thirteenth Christmas well. Sick I was, nasty bit of pneumonia, I believe. Oh but don't you worry, now, I'll be better before we opened presents." She chuckled absently, and James raised his eyebrows at Remus. This woman wasn't making an ounce of sense. They politely listen to her ramble on for a bit, not really hearing anything she was saying, until they reached their destination. As they were about to completely pass the grocery, Remus cleared his throat loudly, and Mrs. MacArthur stared at him, her large frame swaying from side to side.
"Er – excuse me, ma'am, but, this is the grocery, and we'd better be leaving now. Terribly sorry to interrupt your – erm – stories." She looked at him for a minute more, and slowly turned her head to face the sign above the shop on the corner. Her eyes widened a bit, and before they could escape, she spoke again.
"Oh, yes! That was what I came out for. Bread. Or – er – was it fish? Well, perhaps I'll just have to buy bread and fish, and I should feed whatever I don't use to the birds. But – do birds eat fish? Or, for that matter, do birds eat bread?" She stared expectantly our heroes, as if waiting for an answer. Exchanging a quick glance with each other, they decided to humor the poor woman.
"I'm not quite sure," Remus mused, while exchanging somewhat of a wink with James, "But I believe that birds eat bread, and not fish. Perhaps, if you use the bread, you could feed the birds to the fish?" At this last sentence, the boy received an elbow in the side from James.
James said: "Or, Mrs. MacArthur, you could return the fish, perhaps."
"I'll do that, dears. Come on then." And with a swagger to her step, intentional or not, she led a confused pair into the store.
James and Remus didn't manage to lose her whilst in the store, though rather drunk, she seemed to have a keen eye for those she meant to follow. In the soup, pasta, and bread aisle, they tried to steal into the next while Mrs. MacArthur was deciding which kind of bread to buy, but before they had gotten past chicken noodle, she was behind them once more, saying, "Where to next, lads?"
By the time they had reached the payment line, James, for one, had about had it with this woman. She was quite bothersome, and James was certainly not known for his patience. Remus had, for the last five minutes, desperately been trying to restrain his friend from throwing a fit, or swearing at their accomplice. But James had, no doubt, had it. They had been standing in a rather long line for several minutes, and the cashier was nearly ready to see them, when Mrs. MacArthur, looking to their left, exclaimed:
"Look! That line over there's quite a lot shorter than this one we're in now! What are we waiting for? Let's go!" And she pulled them with remarkable force three lines down – they were now seventh in line. Thought it was true that their current line was a bit shorter than the last one they had been in, they were not quite as far up as they had been. The boys watched enviously as the couple who had once been behind them left the store, bags in hand. Unfortunately, the clerk whom they were to deal with was taking an exceptionally long time with each and every customer. So Remus and Sirius looked around for anything good to read. Unfortunately, they found nothing. Mrs. MacArthur, however, found an extremely interesting music magazine, especially fascinating when read upside-down, or so the boys concluded from their companion's position. Finally, after a fair few rounds of Arguing About Nothing (a game invented by James, in order to pass the waiting time), a voice called out, in monotone:
"Next." Realizing that they were being addressed, Remus stopped his friend in the middle of saying 'did not', and ushered him and the woman to forge ahead. They put their items on the table, and the woman, who had straggly brown hair, and looked as if this was the last place she wanted to be, looked up at them. Still in that annoying, bored, monotone voice, she spoke.
"This is the express lane," she announced, "Five items or less." As she shoved a sign in their faces saying exactly that, they were pushed out of the line, while the woman called "next" again.
James' patience had just bubbled over the top.
"Thanks, Mrs. MacArthur, Thanks a lot. Now we can wait in that line all over again. Thanks so much." And he stalked away, making sure to tread on her toes as he went. Remus hurried after his friend. Mrs. MacArthur, still not extremely sober, stared after them, puzzling over what on earth they were doing.
Approaching the monotonic clerk, he shoved her current customers out of his way, and violently slammed his groceries down. She stared at him, unenthusiastically, and said:
"Excuse me. You have to wait in line just like the rest of the customers."
"Wait in line!" He yelled. He was now attracting attention from as far away as aisle six. "Wait in line! Remus, do you hear this? She wants us to wait in line!" Remus was burying his face in his hands, and shaking his head, all the while muttering things such as 'James', 'stupid git', and 'stupid git'. In aisle two, the theory was that he was too embarrassed to think of anything more creative.
"I can't believe you!" James continued shouting at the clerk; "I waited in that line for almost 30 full _______ (censored) minutes! And then, you make us do it again! What next, tell us the only place we can check out is in America for goodness' sake? Jeez! Will you please just let us buy our stuff already!" The woman stared at him a moment, and slowly, very slowly, she began to laugh. Actually, it probably took all of a second, but due to the atmosphere, James could have sworn it was a full minute. Remus could have sworn it was a full hour. Mrs. MacArthur would ask you what in the devil you were talking about.
Anyhow, the cashier, who's name happened to be Ann, was nearly doubling up, and everyone from aisles one through ten were chortling, and Remus and James were exchanging bamboozled looks, neither could understand what anyone could possibly think was funny about the situation.
About ten minutes later, when Ann had finally stood up once more, and wiped the tears from her eyes, she gave them their groceries for free, claiming that they had "paid in laughter". James hadn't really meant to make them laugh, he had confided in Remus, but they decided to take the free groceries anyway. Besides, they would be late meeting Sirius and Peter.
They hurried out of the shop, glancing at Mrs. MacArthur as they passed, who looked as though she had passed out in the diaper section.
"Really, I wouldn't be surprised if half of the people in London were proclaimed mad by the government."
"And I'm sure that Sirius' mother will be one of them if we don't get there in time. Come on, let's go."
Author's Note ---- Well, there you have it, part three. Part four coming soon, whether you like it or not. Sorry this part took so long, my teachers are being very evil to me. Special thanks goes out to my Beta-Reader, ~Idgit~. Thanks for your help! Anyway, please be so kind as to leave a review. Thanks, and have a nice day.
Disclaimer ---- All characters that you recognize belong to J.K. Rowling. Anything or anyone else belongs to me.