Title: So Close To Heaven
Author: Amber
Pairings: 1x2xR
Warnings: I have taken a few liberties with characters personalities. I'm trying something different; this will be a 1x2xR born from the frustration of Relena finds out stories. Frankly I don't like the idea someone has to be a looser.. If you disagree about character representation here then accept my apologies and please select another story with my blessing having said that one needs to also be aware I'm jumping into the deep end and including graphic lemon scenes in this story that may not suit everyone's taste. Please also avoid, if one is not of age for mature love scenes this story is not for you either. Thank you.
Disclaimer: Gundam belongs to Gundam and any scene or plot similarity to another person's story, movie or anime is purely coincidental.
So Close to Heaven
By: Amber
Chapter 5
"Parting is such sweet sorrow"
An interesting phrase don't you think? Staring out the window as the shuttle fought to break free of earth's loving hold I realize the person that wrote those words was wise beyond imagining. I couldn't help feeling the bittersweet pain of loss as I left Heero. The gut wrenching uncertainty of things still unsettled gnawed at my resolve and for once I had no sympathetic shoulder. I left Duo behind as well. I remember concentrating on the sky as the setting sun turned the heavens several shades of gold. Trying so hard not to examine to closely why those eyes of blue that stared at me with such yearning and hunger shifted into violet. I deliberately closed my own against the image trying to shut it out. The last thought that flitted through my mind as I willed myself to sleep was. Now even my subconscious is working against me or why would I suddenly notice Duo's hungry eyes directed at me and be curiously fascinated by it since I've seen that look every time Heero held me in his arms and claimed me for his own.
* * * * *
"Remind me again." Sally said from the side of her mouth. "Why we stayed over for this?" Wufei's impassive gaze slid around the room before settling back on the woman who for he last few days had been moving non stop since she arrived. Stuffing enough activities, meetings, and public appearances into her day for four people and from the looks of it her nights were just as hectic.
"You heard the same spiel I did. To show a sincerity in the further commitment for continued peace between the colonies and earth." A frown flickered as Sally turned.
"Tell me your not buying that? She had meetings on earth that had been scheduled weeks in advance she just cancelled them without a second thought." A couple glanced warily at her as they passed. Sally plastered a fake smile on her face until they moved on.
The corner of his mouth quirked. "It doesn't matter whether I buy it as you put it. My part is to keep her alive not ponder what is going on inside her mind. If you're worried you talk to her."
Sally shifted her own gaze constantly seeking potential threats before returning to rest worriedly on the young woman across the room. Surrounded by men and women alike she gave every appearance of having a wonderful time. Unless you looked deeper and saw the almost frantic determination in her eyes and the too brittle smile gracing her lips.
Casually tucking a strand of hair back into the bun she had subjected her hair to for tonight's activities she shifted restlessly. "I tried." She murmured. "She told me it wasn't anything a quart of Triple Fudge Lover's Delight wouldn't fix."
Wufei smirked. "But you don't believe that?"
"Normally yes because Relena doesn't lie she's not the type. Avoid? Yes. Tell you point blank it's not open for discussion? Absolutely. Lie? No. She doesn't do it well so I think she simply chooses not to do it at all. But add Heero's sudden need to be elsewhere and I know something is up."
"Yuy seems to always need to be off and about somewhere." he shrugged dismissingly. "But assuming you're correct you're perceptive enough to know that you have to let her come to you. You made the offer it's obvious she likes and respects you. Even trusts you enough to let you see that there is something wrong to begin with but right now she isn't ready for anything more."
Sally's mouth curved into a rueful smile. "Your right I know. It's just so frustrating." Wufei nodded. "You know more than your saying." She gave him a calculating stare. "Don't you?"
His eyebrow arched. "I know what I need to."
"O really?" He inclined his head.
"Yes for example I know a way to channel your frustration." He bowed. "May I have this dance?"
She smiled, "what about Relena?" He shrugged guiding her out among the swirling masses. "You can maintain surveillance from the dance floor just as well as you can from here." He glanced at Relena and frowned. "Besides it looks like those leeches have her locked in until someone chooses to rescue her or she decides to save herself. Until then we make the best of a tiresome lot."
"I think I think we should keep a close eye on her something doesn't feel right." She eyed him daring him to refuse instead he nodded thoughtfully. "Call Quatre he is closer to her than his own sisters like wise Peacecraft with her brother. Perhaps he will be a viable alternative if she won't confide in you."
Sally blinked surprised. "Wufei when did you get so smart?" He smirked. "I've always been so but it speaks favorably of you that you have finally noticed."
* * * * *
Wufei knocked. When he received no response he pulled his weapon as a precaution. Unlocking the door he quietly pushed it open with the muzzle of the gun. Eyes alert they quickly took in the room at a glance before discerning she was not within. Moving silently into the room he shut the door locking it back before he moved through the sitting room into the bedroom. Shaking his head at the empty bed he moved toward the balcony doors.
"You are being reckless. Are you trying to get yourself shot?"
Wufei smiled she didn't even flinch. I suppose when you've been around Yuy, as much as she is not allot has the power to rattle you. Holstering his gun Wufei joined her at the rail giving her profile a cursory glance before turning to gaze out across the colony. "Sally is worried."
Relena sighed, "I know." When she didn't say anymore he sighed himself.
"Here." He said gruffly. Puzzled Relena turned then smiled as she took the ice cream and spoon. "Your cure I believe. Not as big as you wanted but one must accept some compromise."
She held the ice cream container shifting it back and forth with a bemused expression on her face. "Thank you". She looked a trifle hesitant. "Would you?" She gestured toward the chairs placed around the balcony.
"This is unwise you are not only an easy target but you should be inside asleep." He moved to the chair and stiffly sat. "Well I suppose at least I can minimize any damage if I'm here. Sit eat before it melts you don't know what I went through even finding it."
She moved to the chair and sat staring in the distance as she ate. "It's good Thank you." Relena lifted a spoon. "Would you like a bite?" He smiled at her as if she was a child and shook his head.
"No it's all yours enjoy."
She paused her spoon half way to her mouth. Shifting uncomfortably he frowned. "What?" She shrugged trying to put him at ease. "You should do that more often your quite handsome when you smile."
He eyed her suspiciously before gradually relaxing his guard. "I have had little in my life to smile about." Relena's gaze dropped to study the contents of the carton while she ate.
"I'm the exact opposite I suppose until the wars I had a privileged childhood."
"Relena why do you linger here? It's obvious you want to be back on earth." Her head jerked up she studied his profile.
"Ahh Wufei straight to the heart of the matter. Because I'm a coward. Because for the first time I have no idea what is the right thing to do. I bet you find that pathetic?" She asked mournfully.
"I have learned life is seldom that simplistic. I make no judgments."
"Do you have someone you love Wufei?" He scowled. "I'm sorry that was rude."
He shook his head after a moment and shrugged. "I have someone I care about."
"Sally?"
"Hn but I have things in my past that I need to deal with before I go to anyone." She sat the empty container down and drew her knees up to rest her chin on them. "I'm sorry," she murmured. He stiffened defensively.
"Don't you ever get lonely and want to go to her anyway?" She shifted laying her cheek on her knee so she could see his face. He stared into her eyes weighing, judging looking for any signs of pity before giving her an enigmatic smile.
"Of course, Relena but to go to her while I still have doubts cheats us both."
"Exactly." She whispered. Wufei stood silently offering her his hand. "So... not weak after all ehh little dove?"
She eyed him intently before giving him her hand. He helped her to her feet. "You need sleep if you insist on continuing this madcap schedule of yours." Relena squeezed his hand ignoring his words.
"Thank you." He inclined his head. "You are welcome."
He moved inside, with her following silently behind. Once they reached the door he opened it and tapped. "Lock it. And please stay in now I don't relish facing Yuy if something happened to you." Stepping out he went to close it. "Good night Relena."
"Wufei!" He glanced back lifting his brow quizzically. "Thank you for listening to my rambling. Friends?" She asked wistfully. His face went curiously still.
"I don't know if that would be wise."
Relena tried to smile but failed. "I don't know if I would make a good friend but I.."
He nodded comprehension dawning and with it his face softened. "I understand honesty between one another is a precious thing. To not try would be." He shrugged expansively. "I don't have so many friends that I can afford to be so foolish I'll try to not disappoint you as well."
She grinned and for the first time all-night he became wary. She held out her hand and he gingerly took it. "You tolerate the sometime-muddled thinking of a weak onna and I tolerate your chauvinistic tendency to rant about it. Deal?"
He squeezed her hand. "Cute Minister real cute." He said dryly. As he turned to walk away he realized it was the first time in a week he had seen a genuine smile from her. That he had played some small part in that actually made him feel good.
* * * * *
They walked silently both lost in their thoughts. Occasionally Quatre would steal a worried glance at her as he listened to the ebb and flow of her emotions. "You know, I started not to come."
A small smile curved his lips. "I know. You're hurt, you're angry." He tilted his head slightly as if he saw or heard something speaking to him even now. "A little confused." She smiled wryly.
"A little?"
"Do Trowa and I make you uncomfortable now?" Her gaze left his as she stared blindly across the sculptured gardens into the distance. Much to his surprise she didn't answer right away. He felt his heart clench in dread. Receiving that kind of reaction from a stranger was hard enough. Accepting it from someone he considered a friend almost robbed him of his breath. Relena stopped and smiled at him a sweetly poignant smile. She stepped closer pulling him into a hug.
* * * * *
The three stood on the terrace watching the tableau below. "I don't know about anyone else but I for one am relieved I thought I was going to have to call Quatre myself. Maybe she's finally ready to talk to someone." Trowa and Wufei exchanged looks over Sally's head. "This looks like it could take awhile and I'm thirsty anyone else?"
Trowa nodded, "please." Sally turned. "Wufei?" He nodded.
"Ok be back in a minute."
Trowa studied him thoughtfully. "She doesn't know."
He shook his head. "Relena has said nothing and I have respected her desire for privacy. Soon enough people will make the connection themselves when Schibecker stops coming around." He shrugged negligently. "I confess I'm surprised Yuy miscalculated this badly. Knowing about Relena's parental situation I would think he would know she wouldn't want the lies no matter how painful the truth."
Trowa shrugged. "Relena has always had a powerful effect on Heero what's amazing is that she seems unaware of it. With Heero not knowing how to deal with the situation he may have even subconsciously let all this happen. I'm just glad her disappointment in them didn't carry over to the rest of us."
Wufei's eyebrows arched quizzically. "You were worried about Quatre?" Trowa turned to watch Quatre and Relena resume their stroll. "And myself we've grown fond of her over the years."
Wufei crossed his arms watching the guards following them at a discreet distance. "I don't know her as well as you two obviously. But even I could see that she accepts and cares unreservedly for you both. She's not the type to change her affection once given."
Trowa eyed him thoughtfully the hint of a smile curved his lips. "You've noticed quite allot about someone you barely know. ." He nodded conceding the accuracy of the statement. "It takes much strength to walk her path I find that admirable." He said in a level tone.
Trowa's face turned expressionless as his gaze went toward the pair in the garden. "I've learned when emotions are involved reactions are the least likely to predict." He said flatly. "Especially when someone is feeling betrayed. That she asked Quatre that first night shows me her instincts were good even then. Add to that she's been here several days already and just called for the first time today tells me she was having doubts about which of us knew if any. And did we deliberately keep it from her?"
"Well." Wufei turned watching them. "Whatever doubts she was having apparently it isn't the case any longer."
* * * * *
"O Quatre I love you and Trowa dearly. I'd like to think we've made our own little family of sorts. Lord knows my brother is too lost in the past to remember I'm alive and what he manages to give is Noin's. Which is fine I guess you can't miss what you never had. Occasionally though it makes me sad we're all the family we have left and we're strangers. I guess mostly I just feel inadequate."
"O Relena why?"
"I watched them Quatre when I walked in on them it was.. It was.."
"It must have been so horrible for you to find out that way." He soothed. She shook her head.
"I mean yes it was but they were beautiful together Quatre I.." She groped trying to find the words. "I couldn't understand why he was with me. There is something beautiful about two people in love it gives hope for the rest of us. I guess I couldn't help but make comparisons and I found myself lacking I suppose. Am I making sense?"
He smiled dropping an arm around her shoulder. "Of course. You did the same for me and others during the war your belief was so unshakeable you gave us hope when we had none. Believed in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves it's a gift beyond measure. Relena Heero loves you very much surly you know that?"
She smiled humorlessly. "Once I might have been able to be convinced of that."
He pulled her to a stop. "Relena, Duo and Heero both have very strong feelings for you. But you don't need me to tell you that. Not really. Do you? Deep down you sense the truth of what I'm saying."
She smiled sadly. "I believe Heero loves me as much as he's capable of."
"And Duo?" Startled she met his gaze. "He told you?"
Quatre shrugged, "the stronger the feelings the easier it is for me to discern. Duo isn't exactly subtle I'm surprised you didn't pick up on it before." She bit her lip.
"Everyone knows?"
Quatre let out a long breath. "As far as I know only a select few Miss Hilde suspected but last weeks events probably have her doubting her initial suspicions about you. Those that are involved of course. Wufei because I asked him to check on you was able to draw his own conclusions. Of course he may have suspected all along and never said anything he and Trowa are like that. But as for discussing it? They haven't said anything."
She pulled away moving toward a rose bush staring at it as if it held the secrets of the universe. Quatre tilted his head frowning with concentration. "Relena ? Let me help if I can." She plucked a rose staring at it thoughtfully.
"Quatre I don't know if you can help me." Sniffing the rose she turned tucking it into one of his empty buttonholes. "Thanks for trying though."
He smiled at the flower before lifting earnest eyes to hers. "Relena we all understand the feeling of despair that comes from having things withheld from us by those we trust." She looked up her arched brow spoke eloquently as she met his gaze.
"So then you tell me Quatre what do I do? Duo and Heero say they both love me they both want me. It isn't even about forgiveness anymore Quatre I get so far and then freeze it all boils down to this I can't get past it. Neither can tell me if they would have ever told me the truth."
Quatre smiled sadly. "I can't tell you what to do Relena and you and I know there are no guarantees in life." She stared at his profile before following his gaze to where Trowa stood.
He turned back and they shared a solemn look. "But I can help you ask yourself the hard questions. Start by answering can you walk away with no regrets? If the answer is yes then there is no need to go any further because all other questions from that point on are moot. And don't try to kid yourself with the just friends angle."
" It might work," she murmured. "I could do it for them."
He was already shaking his head. "You and I both know deep down it will be agony to be around them and simply be friends. They want more and if you don't it would be a constant temptation one I can't see Heero allowing you to ignore. Eventually you would start staying away from them to avoid the pain. But even that wont be easy because they both have been such an important part of your life. I know you it would feel like you've cut a piece of yourself away."
"If the answer is no.." He stopped pausing to gather his thoughts before continuing. "If the answer is no then ask yourself this can you afford not to at least try?" She opened her mouth to reply and he shook his head. "No you don't need to answer just think about what I'm saying. You don't need to rush anything. Heero and Duo certainly felt no such urgency to come clean. You feel hurt and betrayed it's natural to not want to repeat the experience. Healing takes time it can't be rushed nor forced."
Relena smiled wanly, "maybe your right I've been trying to force it maybe I just need to take one step at a time. And then the answers will come." Sliding her arm companionably through his she hugged it to her in silent thanks. "Well let's go join the rest they have patiently avoided us while we talked."
She smiled ruefully, "if it had been.." She paused as shadow crossed her face. Quatre finished her thought. "If it had been Duo he would have been down here five minutes after we started talking."
"Relena." He pulled her to a stop and turned her to face him. Clasping her hands he looked down into her eyes and smiled. "Sometimes in our familiarity with them we forget just how amazing they are."
At her movement he shook his head. "I don't mean their skills. I mean you and I had loving homes families even Wufei had his clans support to fall back on. Look at how Heero was raised. Duo.. Trowa even. Yet their kind and loving people once you get past their defenses. Fiercely loyal to their friends and possessive of they're lovers. Is it so hard to understand why they clung to the status quo? Why even now knowing they were wrong they refuse to let things end. Refuse to let you go Relena?"
"Yet they didn't trust me Quatre. It made me feel everything we had together all those years was a lie."
"Relena I'm not saying what they did was right but set aside your hurt for a moment and imagine suddenly having your dreams come true. You have an important place in their life if you can't believe that. Believe what I feel from them. Would you do something you thought might jeopardize your dream?"
She shook her head staring across the gardens. "I don't know." she whispered. "Probably not."
He squeezed her hands consolingly. "Or would you bite your tongue fearing the first wrong word would resurrect their self-loathing and send them running from you?"
She turned back meeting his gaze intently. "Yes Trowa and I have had our share of difficulties many times I bit my tongue holding my words of love and commitment in until I felt I had to break the stalemate or loose everything. I was not being true to myself. To deny how I normally am was cheating us both." Quatre stared probingly into her eyes. "I sense you understand that all to well."
"So I should go home?" He shook his head tucking her arm back through his. "I think you should rest heal the hole in your heart when it's time you'll know what to do."
* * * * *
Duo leaned back against the counter watching Heero pad back and forth. Smiling wryly he shook his head. "She was one step ahead of us again lets face it we knew it took more than patience and a loving heart to hold this world on a peaceful course. Hell look who her brother is be glad she doesn't want to be Queen of the world."
Heero surveyed Duo through narrow eyes as he lounged negligently against the kitchen counter."Why am I doing this?" he muttered. "I should just go after her she wouldn't see me anyway unless I let her."
Duo smirked. "But she would know your there. Face it Lena has a built in radar where your concerned." Duo took another sip of his coffee watching him thoughtfully over the rim for a moment. "Did you accept the assignment Une gave you?"
Heero shrugged pouring himself a cup before taking a place beside him at the counter. "It's four days and since I'm free." Heero smirked, "I agreed."
"It'll occupy your mind for a while."
Heero eyed him skeptically. "You're taking this calmly. Too calmly.. What are you up to?"
"We know other than feeling betrayed my part in this is freekin her out. I thought I'd pay a visit to Quatre stay with him while I see if I can give her an incentive to come home." Duo said as he stared broodingly into his coffee
Heero nodded sitting his cup on the counter he moved closer drawing the back of his knuckles down the curve of Duo's cheek. "Careful how you tread."
Duo leaned in covering Heero's lips with his, softly coaxing, and gossamer light, enticing him to follow them in an all to familiar dance. He pulled back a wicked gleam alight in his violet eyes.
"I said incentive not consummation."
March 2001
Author: Amber
Pairings: 1x2xR
Warnings: I have taken a few liberties with characters personalities. I'm trying something different; this will be a 1x2xR born from the frustration of Relena finds out stories. Frankly I don't like the idea someone has to be a looser.. If you disagree about character representation here then accept my apologies and please select another story with my blessing having said that one needs to also be aware I'm jumping into the deep end and including graphic lemon scenes in this story that may not suit everyone's taste. Please also avoid, if one is not of age for mature love scenes this story is not for you either. Thank you.
Disclaimer: Gundam belongs to Gundam and any scene or plot similarity to another person's story, movie or anime is purely coincidental.
So Close to Heaven
By: Amber
Chapter 5
"Parting is such sweet sorrow"
An interesting phrase don't you think? Staring out the window as the shuttle fought to break free of earth's loving hold I realize the person that wrote those words was wise beyond imagining. I couldn't help feeling the bittersweet pain of loss as I left Heero. The gut wrenching uncertainty of things still unsettled gnawed at my resolve and for once I had no sympathetic shoulder. I left Duo behind as well. I remember concentrating on the sky as the setting sun turned the heavens several shades of gold. Trying so hard not to examine to closely why those eyes of blue that stared at me with such yearning and hunger shifted into violet. I deliberately closed my own against the image trying to shut it out. The last thought that flitted through my mind as I willed myself to sleep was. Now even my subconscious is working against me or why would I suddenly notice Duo's hungry eyes directed at me and be curiously fascinated by it since I've seen that look every time Heero held me in his arms and claimed me for his own.
* * * * *
"Remind me again." Sally said from the side of her mouth. "Why we stayed over for this?" Wufei's impassive gaze slid around the room before settling back on the woman who for he last few days had been moving non stop since she arrived. Stuffing enough activities, meetings, and public appearances into her day for four people and from the looks of it her nights were just as hectic.
"You heard the same spiel I did. To show a sincerity in the further commitment for continued peace between the colonies and earth." A frown flickered as Sally turned.
"Tell me your not buying that? She had meetings on earth that had been scheduled weeks in advance she just cancelled them without a second thought." A couple glanced warily at her as they passed. Sally plastered a fake smile on her face until they moved on.
The corner of his mouth quirked. "It doesn't matter whether I buy it as you put it. My part is to keep her alive not ponder what is going on inside her mind. If you're worried you talk to her."
Sally shifted her own gaze constantly seeking potential threats before returning to rest worriedly on the young woman across the room. Surrounded by men and women alike she gave every appearance of having a wonderful time. Unless you looked deeper and saw the almost frantic determination in her eyes and the too brittle smile gracing her lips.
Casually tucking a strand of hair back into the bun she had subjected her hair to for tonight's activities she shifted restlessly. "I tried." She murmured. "She told me it wasn't anything a quart of Triple Fudge Lover's Delight wouldn't fix."
Wufei smirked. "But you don't believe that?"
"Normally yes because Relena doesn't lie she's not the type. Avoid? Yes. Tell you point blank it's not open for discussion? Absolutely. Lie? No. She doesn't do it well so I think she simply chooses not to do it at all. But add Heero's sudden need to be elsewhere and I know something is up."
"Yuy seems to always need to be off and about somewhere." he shrugged dismissingly. "But assuming you're correct you're perceptive enough to know that you have to let her come to you. You made the offer it's obvious she likes and respects you. Even trusts you enough to let you see that there is something wrong to begin with but right now she isn't ready for anything more."
Sally's mouth curved into a rueful smile. "Your right I know. It's just so frustrating." Wufei nodded. "You know more than your saying." She gave him a calculating stare. "Don't you?"
His eyebrow arched. "I know what I need to."
"O really?" He inclined his head.
"Yes for example I know a way to channel your frustration." He bowed. "May I have this dance?"
She smiled, "what about Relena?" He shrugged guiding her out among the swirling masses. "You can maintain surveillance from the dance floor just as well as you can from here." He glanced at Relena and frowned. "Besides it looks like those leeches have her locked in until someone chooses to rescue her or she decides to save herself. Until then we make the best of a tiresome lot."
"I think I think we should keep a close eye on her something doesn't feel right." She eyed him daring him to refuse instead he nodded thoughtfully. "Call Quatre he is closer to her than his own sisters like wise Peacecraft with her brother. Perhaps he will be a viable alternative if she won't confide in you."
Sally blinked surprised. "Wufei when did you get so smart?" He smirked. "I've always been so but it speaks favorably of you that you have finally noticed."
* * * * *
Wufei knocked. When he received no response he pulled his weapon as a precaution. Unlocking the door he quietly pushed it open with the muzzle of the gun. Eyes alert they quickly took in the room at a glance before discerning she was not within. Moving silently into the room he shut the door locking it back before he moved through the sitting room into the bedroom. Shaking his head at the empty bed he moved toward the balcony doors.
"You are being reckless. Are you trying to get yourself shot?"
Wufei smiled she didn't even flinch. I suppose when you've been around Yuy, as much as she is not allot has the power to rattle you. Holstering his gun Wufei joined her at the rail giving her profile a cursory glance before turning to gaze out across the colony. "Sally is worried."
Relena sighed, "I know." When she didn't say anymore he sighed himself.
"Here." He said gruffly. Puzzled Relena turned then smiled as she took the ice cream and spoon. "Your cure I believe. Not as big as you wanted but one must accept some compromise."
She held the ice cream container shifting it back and forth with a bemused expression on her face. "Thank you". She looked a trifle hesitant. "Would you?" She gestured toward the chairs placed around the balcony.
"This is unwise you are not only an easy target but you should be inside asleep." He moved to the chair and stiffly sat. "Well I suppose at least I can minimize any damage if I'm here. Sit eat before it melts you don't know what I went through even finding it."
She moved to the chair and sat staring in the distance as she ate. "It's good Thank you." Relena lifted a spoon. "Would you like a bite?" He smiled at her as if she was a child and shook his head.
"No it's all yours enjoy."
She paused her spoon half way to her mouth. Shifting uncomfortably he frowned. "What?" She shrugged trying to put him at ease. "You should do that more often your quite handsome when you smile."
He eyed her suspiciously before gradually relaxing his guard. "I have had little in my life to smile about." Relena's gaze dropped to study the contents of the carton while she ate.
"I'm the exact opposite I suppose until the wars I had a privileged childhood."
"Relena why do you linger here? It's obvious you want to be back on earth." Her head jerked up she studied his profile.
"Ahh Wufei straight to the heart of the matter. Because I'm a coward. Because for the first time I have no idea what is the right thing to do. I bet you find that pathetic?" She asked mournfully.
"I have learned life is seldom that simplistic. I make no judgments."
"Do you have someone you love Wufei?" He scowled. "I'm sorry that was rude."
He shook his head after a moment and shrugged. "I have someone I care about."
"Sally?"
"Hn but I have things in my past that I need to deal with before I go to anyone." She sat the empty container down and drew her knees up to rest her chin on them. "I'm sorry," she murmured. He stiffened defensively.
"Don't you ever get lonely and want to go to her anyway?" She shifted laying her cheek on her knee so she could see his face. He stared into her eyes weighing, judging looking for any signs of pity before giving her an enigmatic smile.
"Of course, Relena but to go to her while I still have doubts cheats us both."
"Exactly." She whispered. Wufei stood silently offering her his hand. "So... not weak after all ehh little dove?"
She eyed him intently before giving him her hand. He helped her to her feet. "You need sleep if you insist on continuing this madcap schedule of yours." Relena squeezed his hand ignoring his words.
"Thank you." He inclined his head. "You are welcome."
He moved inside, with her following silently behind. Once they reached the door he opened it and tapped. "Lock it. And please stay in now I don't relish facing Yuy if something happened to you." Stepping out he went to close it. "Good night Relena."
"Wufei!" He glanced back lifting his brow quizzically. "Thank you for listening to my rambling. Friends?" She asked wistfully. His face went curiously still.
"I don't know if that would be wise."
Relena tried to smile but failed. "I don't know if I would make a good friend but I.."
He nodded comprehension dawning and with it his face softened. "I understand honesty between one another is a precious thing. To not try would be." He shrugged expansively. "I don't have so many friends that I can afford to be so foolish I'll try to not disappoint you as well."
She grinned and for the first time all-night he became wary. She held out her hand and he gingerly took it. "You tolerate the sometime-muddled thinking of a weak onna and I tolerate your chauvinistic tendency to rant about it. Deal?"
He squeezed her hand. "Cute Minister real cute." He said dryly. As he turned to walk away he realized it was the first time in a week he had seen a genuine smile from her. That he had played some small part in that actually made him feel good.
* * * * *
They walked silently both lost in their thoughts. Occasionally Quatre would steal a worried glance at her as he listened to the ebb and flow of her emotions. "You know, I started not to come."
A small smile curved his lips. "I know. You're hurt, you're angry." He tilted his head slightly as if he saw or heard something speaking to him even now. "A little confused." She smiled wryly.
"A little?"
"Do Trowa and I make you uncomfortable now?" Her gaze left his as she stared blindly across the sculptured gardens into the distance. Much to his surprise she didn't answer right away. He felt his heart clench in dread. Receiving that kind of reaction from a stranger was hard enough. Accepting it from someone he considered a friend almost robbed him of his breath. Relena stopped and smiled at him a sweetly poignant smile. She stepped closer pulling him into a hug.
* * * * *
The three stood on the terrace watching the tableau below. "I don't know about anyone else but I for one am relieved I thought I was going to have to call Quatre myself. Maybe she's finally ready to talk to someone." Trowa and Wufei exchanged looks over Sally's head. "This looks like it could take awhile and I'm thirsty anyone else?"
Trowa nodded, "please." Sally turned. "Wufei?" He nodded.
"Ok be back in a minute."
Trowa studied him thoughtfully. "She doesn't know."
He shook his head. "Relena has said nothing and I have respected her desire for privacy. Soon enough people will make the connection themselves when Schibecker stops coming around." He shrugged negligently. "I confess I'm surprised Yuy miscalculated this badly. Knowing about Relena's parental situation I would think he would know she wouldn't want the lies no matter how painful the truth."
Trowa shrugged. "Relena has always had a powerful effect on Heero what's amazing is that she seems unaware of it. With Heero not knowing how to deal with the situation he may have even subconsciously let all this happen. I'm just glad her disappointment in them didn't carry over to the rest of us."
Wufei's eyebrows arched quizzically. "You were worried about Quatre?" Trowa turned to watch Quatre and Relena resume their stroll. "And myself we've grown fond of her over the years."
Wufei crossed his arms watching the guards following them at a discreet distance. "I don't know her as well as you two obviously. But even I could see that she accepts and cares unreservedly for you both. She's not the type to change her affection once given."
Trowa eyed him thoughtfully the hint of a smile curved his lips. "You've noticed quite allot about someone you barely know. ." He nodded conceding the accuracy of the statement. "It takes much strength to walk her path I find that admirable." He said in a level tone.
Trowa's face turned expressionless as his gaze went toward the pair in the garden. "I've learned when emotions are involved reactions are the least likely to predict." He said flatly. "Especially when someone is feeling betrayed. That she asked Quatre that first night shows me her instincts were good even then. Add to that she's been here several days already and just called for the first time today tells me she was having doubts about which of us knew if any. And did we deliberately keep it from her?"
"Well." Wufei turned watching them. "Whatever doubts she was having apparently it isn't the case any longer."
* * * * *
"O Quatre I love you and Trowa dearly. I'd like to think we've made our own little family of sorts. Lord knows my brother is too lost in the past to remember I'm alive and what he manages to give is Noin's. Which is fine I guess you can't miss what you never had. Occasionally though it makes me sad we're all the family we have left and we're strangers. I guess mostly I just feel inadequate."
"O Relena why?"
"I watched them Quatre when I walked in on them it was.. It was.."
"It must have been so horrible for you to find out that way." He soothed. She shook her head.
"I mean yes it was but they were beautiful together Quatre I.." She groped trying to find the words. "I couldn't understand why he was with me. There is something beautiful about two people in love it gives hope for the rest of us. I guess I couldn't help but make comparisons and I found myself lacking I suppose. Am I making sense?"
He smiled dropping an arm around her shoulder. "Of course. You did the same for me and others during the war your belief was so unshakeable you gave us hope when we had none. Believed in us when we couldn't believe in ourselves it's a gift beyond measure. Relena Heero loves you very much surly you know that?"
She smiled humorlessly. "Once I might have been able to be convinced of that."
He pulled her to a stop. "Relena, Duo and Heero both have very strong feelings for you. But you don't need me to tell you that. Not really. Do you? Deep down you sense the truth of what I'm saying."
She smiled sadly. "I believe Heero loves me as much as he's capable of."
"And Duo?" Startled she met his gaze. "He told you?"
Quatre shrugged, "the stronger the feelings the easier it is for me to discern. Duo isn't exactly subtle I'm surprised you didn't pick up on it before." She bit her lip.
"Everyone knows?"
Quatre let out a long breath. "As far as I know only a select few Miss Hilde suspected but last weeks events probably have her doubting her initial suspicions about you. Those that are involved of course. Wufei because I asked him to check on you was able to draw his own conclusions. Of course he may have suspected all along and never said anything he and Trowa are like that. But as for discussing it? They haven't said anything."
She pulled away moving toward a rose bush staring at it as if it held the secrets of the universe. Quatre tilted his head frowning with concentration. "Relena ? Let me help if I can." She plucked a rose staring at it thoughtfully.
"Quatre I don't know if you can help me." Sniffing the rose she turned tucking it into one of his empty buttonholes. "Thanks for trying though."
He smiled at the flower before lifting earnest eyes to hers. "Relena we all understand the feeling of despair that comes from having things withheld from us by those we trust." She looked up her arched brow spoke eloquently as she met his gaze.
"So then you tell me Quatre what do I do? Duo and Heero say they both love me they both want me. It isn't even about forgiveness anymore Quatre I get so far and then freeze it all boils down to this I can't get past it. Neither can tell me if they would have ever told me the truth."
Quatre smiled sadly. "I can't tell you what to do Relena and you and I know there are no guarantees in life." She stared at his profile before following his gaze to where Trowa stood.
He turned back and they shared a solemn look. "But I can help you ask yourself the hard questions. Start by answering can you walk away with no regrets? If the answer is yes then there is no need to go any further because all other questions from that point on are moot. And don't try to kid yourself with the just friends angle."
" It might work," she murmured. "I could do it for them."
He was already shaking his head. "You and I both know deep down it will be agony to be around them and simply be friends. They want more and if you don't it would be a constant temptation one I can't see Heero allowing you to ignore. Eventually you would start staying away from them to avoid the pain. But even that wont be easy because they both have been such an important part of your life. I know you it would feel like you've cut a piece of yourself away."
"If the answer is no.." He stopped pausing to gather his thoughts before continuing. "If the answer is no then ask yourself this can you afford not to at least try?" She opened her mouth to reply and he shook his head. "No you don't need to answer just think about what I'm saying. You don't need to rush anything. Heero and Duo certainly felt no such urgency to come clean. You feel hurt and betrayed it's natural to not want to repeat the experience. Healing takes time it can't be rushed nor forced."
Relena smiled wanly, "maybe your right I've been trying to force it maybe I just need to take one step at a time. And then the answers will come." Sliding her arm companionably through his she hugged it to her in silent thanks. "Well let's go join the rest they have patiently avoided us while we talked."
She smiled ruefully, "if it had been.." She paused as shadow crossed her face. Quatre finished her thought. "If it had been Duo he would have been down here five minutes after we started talking."
"Relena." He pulled her to a stop and turned her to face him. Clasping her hands he looked down into her eyes and smiled. "Sometimes in our familiarity with them we forget just how amazing they are."
At her movement he shook his head. "I don't mean their skills. I mean you and I had loving homes families even Wufei had his clans support to fall back on. Look at how Heero was raised. Duo.. Trowa even. Yet their kind and loving people once you get past their defenses. Fiercely loyal to their friends and possessive of they're lovers. Is it so hard to understand why they clung to the status quo? Why even now knowing they were wrong they refuse to let things end. Refuse to let you go Relena?"
"Yet they didn't trust me Quatre. It made me feel everything we had together all those years was a lie."
"Relena I'm not saying what they did was right but set aside your hurt for a moment and imagine suddenly having your dreams come true. You have an important place in their life if you can't believe that. Believe what I feel from them. Would you do something you thought might jeopardize your dream?"
She shook her head staring across the gardens. "I don't know." she whispered. "Probably not."
He squeezed her hands consolingly. "Or would you bite your tongue fearing the first wrong word would resurrect their self-loathing and send them running from you?"
She turned back meeting his gaze intently. "Yes Trowa and I have had our share of difficulties many times I bit my tongue holding my words of love and commitment in until I felt I had to break the stalemate or loose everything. I was not being true to myself. To deny how I normally am was cheating us both." Quatre stared probingly into her eyes. "I sense you understand that all to well."
"So I should go home?" He shook his head tucking her arm back through his. "I think you should rest heal the hole in your heart when it's time you'll know what to do."
* * * * *
Duo leaned back against the counter watching Heero pad back and forth. Smiling wryly he shook his head. "She was one step ahead of us again lets face it we knew it took more than patience and a loving heart to hold this world on a peaceful course. Hell look who her brother is be glad she doesn't want to be Queen of the world."
Heero surveyed Duo through narrow eyes as he lounged negligently against the kitchen counter."Why am I doing this?" he muttered. "I should just go after her she wouldn't see me anyway unless I let her."
Duo smirked. "But she would know your there. Face it Lena has a built in radar where your concerned." Duo took another sip of his coffee watching him thoughtfully over the rim for a moment. "Did you accept the assignment Une gave you?"
Heero shrugged pouring himself a cup before taking a place beside him at the counter. "It's four days and since I'm free." Heero smirked, "I agreed."
"It'll occupy your mind for a while."
Heero eyed him skeptically. "You're taking this calmly. Too calmly.. What are you up to?"
"We know other than feeling betrayed my part in this is freekin her out. I thought I'd pay a visit to Quatre stay with him while I see if I can give her an incentive to come home." Duo said as he stared broodingly into his coffee
Heero nodded sitting his cup on the counter he moved closer drawing the back of his knuckles down the curve of Duo's cheek. "Careful how you tread."
Duo leaned in covering Heero's lips with his, softly coaxing, and gossamer light, enticing him to follow them in an all to familiar dance. He pulled back a wicked gleam alight in his violet eyes.
"I said incentive not consummation."
March 2001