Author's Notes/Disclaimer: I still think it's more fun to claim that Suzaku is subtly brainwashing us than to tell the truth and say that Fushigi Yuugi belongs to Yuu Watase and not me. *pouts* Anyway, this is Chichiri's POV during the scene in OVA 2 when he's holding Hikou's liquefied hand. I promise this is the last first person Chichiri piece I have planned. ^_^() At least for the time being... *grins*
Me Into Myself
Hikou… Hikou. I know it's too late for you to hear me- your hand is so much water in mine- and I'm sorry for that. There was something I wanted to tell you.
Well, to be perfectly honest, there was a lot I wanted to tell you. I used to lie awake at night dreaming about what I'd say to you if I had another chance. The conversations would vary, but I'd always ask you about Kouran… "But why?" I think you had a different reason for each time I went through it. I'd always be sure to ask for your forgiveness, but I never waited to imagine your answer.
I was pretty sure I didn't want to hear it.
I liked imagining that we could have one of those long, involved conversations like we used to have, though. I'd tell you about everything that's happened and we'd laugh together about Taittsukun, the "fix fix, cure cure" Nyan Nyans, Tamahome's money-grubbing, Hotohori's narcissism, Nuriko's teasing, and of course myself, with my smiling mask and "no da-"ing.
After a while we'd be laughing so hard that it would hurt and we'd have to calm down. When we did I'd tell you seriously about the seishi and Miaka-chan, and how much they mean to me, and how I'd be all alone without them. You'd listen intently, with your head tilted to the side and your mouth slightly open, the way you always did when you knew that what I was trying to say was important to me…
…that is, until I got to the part about being alone. I remember your sense of humor. I can just picture you doing your best not to laugh while I was trying to be serious, biting your lip until you'd finally explode, gasping and howling with laughter. You'd eventually calm back down and apologize almost sincerely until you spoiled it by commenting I would never be alone with the Nyan Nyans. Knowing you, you'd probably crack up again at some strange mental image of me buried up to my bangs in a pile of hyperactive children all wanting to "fix" me. I'd shake my head and roll my eyes, but I'd be smiling. I wouldn't mind.
Honestly though, we already said what had to be said. I think that we truly understand each other now- maybe for the first time ever. The rest can wait. After all, we'll have a long time to catch up later. Still, there was one thing that I wish I didn't have to wait to say. I'd have told you before, but I just realized it now.
I wanted to say that I've grown up.
It's a funny thing to say, isn't it? I'm twenty-six years old and I've only now truly grown up.
I know, I know. I can just see that look you used to give me whenever you thought I was going off on one of my "irreverent philosophical tangents," as you so eloquently put it once. You always did prefer doing to discussing. You'd sound so exasperated when you'd say "What good does it do to ask questions about it all day? There's no way to prove that you're more right that the next guy!" Then you'd tug my hair- playfully. I'd knock your bun loose- just as playfully. Then you'd playfully get me into a headlock and we'd start a playful wrestling match and afterwards Kouran would patch us up rather less playfully and we'd both have to work extra hard for the rest of the week to pay for the damages.
No wonder it took me this long to grow up.
I do mean it, though. I feel as if I know who I am for the first time. Even when Ri Houjun was the only name I knew, I always felt a little funny whenever we were playing together, as if I somehow knew it couldn't last. When I first heard that I had to become Chichiri of the Suzaku Seishi, however, the name didn't strike anything within me. He was someone far removed from myself, an entirely different person. Afterwards, when I took over my responsibilities and got a little more used to it, well… I know it sounds ridiculous, but I used to feel as if the mask was named Chichiri and Houjun was the scar underneath. Every time I did something I had to stop and consider what Chichiri would do and what Houjun would do as if I wasn't either of them.
But now, somehow, Chichiri and Ri Houjun have become the same person. It's very hard to explain; Nuriko would do better than I. It's a bit shocking to pretend to be someone for years only to look down one day and discover that you aren't the person you thought you were- you're someone that you don't recognize. It's even more shocking to find that the someone you didn't recognize is really yourself.
It's because of the seishi that this process started, but I never would have realized it if you hadn't forced me to look into myself. For that, Hikou, I thank you.
I suppose that telling you all this can wait, though. You've earned your rest now. Don't forget, we have an appointment to keep. The three of us, together in Heaven. I'll be a little later than you two, but I know you'll wait for me. I'll even introduce you to my new friends. I think you'll both like them.
As for now, I think I know the most important thing that I've learned from growing up.
I learned when to hold on…
Slowly I uncup the hand that held yours. The water that was once your hand flows out, joining with the rest.
…and I learned when to let go.
~ Owari
"There comes a point in time when dreams become reality
At least that's how the lyrics to the song go
There comes a time when every blossom blooms into a rose
And me into myself"
~ Matsumoto Rica, "Mezase Pokémon Master"