Disclaimer: Same as
usual. Squaresoft owns basically
everything. I must give my traditional
shout out to
my hominid Elysia. If you're wondering my posting is slowed,
it's because I have a ton of English
homework all the time and
you don't feel like writing more than necessary when you're practicing for the
EOC writing crap. You might want to start learning languages
to read my fic. I bet only about 2 of
you
understood the Moslem in
the last one. (Note: I wrote this disclaimer a long time ago so it
may not apply now)
Bad Zell! No hotdog for
you!
Chapter 5: J'aime le poop!
A small herd of Duo bat
things darkened the sky above Rocket and her two passengers. Some had a bit of
leather stuck between their
teeth but that's beside the point. Rocket freaked out and started speaking
French.
"J'ai besoin un
chariot!! Ici! Ici! Güillo pran ton tambourine!! Qui à coupé la fromage!?"
Then Zell started humming.
Not really. Selphie was
getting bored and just kind of dreamed it. Then Zell started humming. Zell
and Selphie found themselves in a rather deserted part of the Balamb continent
that had a small barn. A chocobo barn
to be exact. Zell and Selphie
dismounted. Zell scratched his head in
confusion.
"I thought we were
going back to the Garden."
"It's getting late,
maybe we should stay here for the night…"
"But the Garden isn't
very far away!"
Selphie hugged Rocket
protectively.
"But Rocket's scared
of the dark!"
Zell shook his head
doubtfully but obediently followed his sorceress anyway. Inside the barn they found sleeping chocobos
and chicobos and a nice warm-looking pile of hay in the corner. They couldn't see him, but Choco-Boy was
hiding in a stall counting his drug money. Zell leaned against the wall and Selphie plopped down in the hay. There was silence for several minutes.
***
Quistis sat at her desk in
her dimly lit room. She had been
grading papers but fell asleep again. She woke with a start when she heard a big thump in the hall. The instructor peeked out her door to see
Selphie's door lying on the floor after being torn from its hinges. Fearing the worst, she grabbed her Save The
Queen and stealthily tiptoed across the hall and into Selphie's room. There she saw a large man bent over the
hamster cage.
"Rajin? What the hell are you doing?"
"This isn't a gerbil,
is it?"
"Um… no. Why?"
"I need to find a
gerbil ya know!"
Quistis stood in her proud
instructor pose.
"If you're going to
find a gerbil, you'll need to know how…"
Rajin ran away before
Quistis could continue her tutorial.
***
Selphie sat slightly
shivering in the hay. Zell noticed this
and cautiously walked toward her. Selphie sensed a certain uncomfortable manner in his steps.
"Does he always
walk like that?"
"Why is she looking
at my legs?"
Zell sat beside Selphie.
"You cold?
"Yeah, this dress
isn't made for cool weather…"
Zell started to take his
jacket off.
"Want my jacket?"
"No, I don't want you
to be cold. Hey! Maybe if you stay here and we sleep together
we can stay warm tonight!"
Zell choked.
"You mean sleep or
'sleep'?"
"How many kinds of
sleep are there? Ah… just lie down
before we both freeze."
Irvine was an unhappy,
poorly endowed little man. He was cold,
wet, hungry, naked, and he hadn't had sex since that time he got that Galbadian
girl drunk with the whiskey Choco-Boy sold him. Irvine wandered aimlessly until he found a certain deserted
corner of that sad excuse for a continent, Balamb. Irvine saw the semi-dilapidated chocobo barn in the
distance. He peered into the cracked
window to see Zell and Selphie sleeping together. Yet again take that as you will because it really doesn't matter
which form of sleeping it was because a freak falling cow took out the
Galbadian cowboy-wanna-be.
"mmmmmMMMMMMMMOO!"
Thud!
The cow calmly stood and
walked away with Irvine embedded into its soft underbelly.
Zell suddenly sat up.
"Did you hear
that?"
Selphie pulled Zell down.
"Lie back down, I
doubt it was anything."
The End.
Just kidding.
***
And then…
Choco-Boy stood in the Quad
of Balamb Garden. A student walked by
and he and Choco-boy made a quick, almost invisible exchange of Gil and
heroine. Choco-boy waited for his next
client to come by.
Seifer approached with a
very serious expression and took Choco-boy to the side.
"Do you have my
ecstacy?"
"Yeah, it's right
here."
Choco-boy slipped the small
container into Seifer's hand.
"Thanks, kid, my shift
in the cafeteria starts in half an hour, I've got some plans for this
stuff."
I probably forgot to
mention this, but Seifer is now working in the cafeteria from 10AM to 2PM and
prepared and served lunches to all the little students. He had to do something otherwise Xu would
kick him out.
Seifer strolled to the
cafeteria where he promptly put on his hair net and plastic apron and
gloves. He prepared meals as usual
until noon. On Thursdays Rinoa and
Quistis always at lunch together at noon. And today was Thursday. Seifer
spotted them in the Head cook's line. He HAD to serve them today.
"Excuse me, I'm don't
seem to remember what goes into the soup…"
"I knew I couldn't
trust you with the soup. I'll make it,
you serve my line."
"Perfect."
Seifer swiftly gave
everyone their food until Rinoa and Quistis were in the front of the line.
"Hello, Rinoa. Hello, Instructor. What will you be having today?"
Rinoa stood thinking while
Quistis ordered.
"I'll just have a
salad today."
"Can I have five
hotdogs?"
Seifer was quite taken
aback by her order.
"My God! Is she pregnant? Nah… she's gotta be bulimic. I have to talk to Squall later. He needs to learn to use protection."
Seifer slipped a tablet
into Quistis's salad and the other into one of Rinoa's hotdogs.
"Enjoy your meal,
ladies."
"Um, thanks
Seifer."
***
Zell was having a good
dream. A very good dream. The kind of dream you have when you know
there is a scantily clad girl in the same room.
"ZELL!! Wake up! Something's wrong with Rocket!"
"Huh?"
He sat up in
confusion. That would be an odd thing
to hear in the dream he was having. Selphie was busily walking around Rocket. And Rocket looked… constipated.
"Zell, do you think
she's having a baby?"
Zell then noticed Selphie
was wearing a Doctor's scrubs, and he was wearing those of a nurse.
Zell saw a tray with
medical instruments set up beside the patient.
Selphie held her hand out
to Zell.
"Gloves!"
"Gloves..."
"Scalpel!"
"Scalpel. She's scaring the shit out of me!"
"Um… those tong
thingies?"
"Um, those tong
thingies!"
"Here comes the
head!"
PLOP!
"Selphie, that's not a
head…"
Zell watched as she
inspected the gooey balloon.
"Ew… she's touching
it…"
"Is this rock
salt?"
"She is so clueless
about this. I shouldn't tell her;
she'll get suspicious…"
"WHAT?"
"Damn it!! I was
supposed to think that!"
"What are you talking
about?"
"Selphie, your chocobo
had a condom full of crack in her rectum. She's a drug smuggler."
"How do you know what
crack looks like?"
"Um…"
Selphie gave him a
disapproving look.
"Zell…"
"Okay, okay. One time I went to this party and Choco-boy
was there. And of course he brought his
entire stash and , well, next thing I knew I woke up with a tattoo."
"Oh… Okay!"