The
Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN
ANYTHING!!!! Except for maybe Laguna's
pants! ::Sexy growl::
Forgive
me if I misspell Dr. Kadawaki's name. I
don't' quite remember what it was…
Oh,
and I need to thank Elysia Erianthe (read her stories!) and Leto II for their
moral support. And just incase you are
a Playstation user you need you understand that I'm a PC game player. And I can't forget to thank Marilyn Manson
for writing a song whose title I could steal, but it's oh so appropriate for
this chapter.
Bad
Zell!! No hotdog for you! Chapter
6: I don't like the drugs, but the
drugs like me.
Zell
stepped outside the barn and let out a big, manly yawn. All that sleeping really took it out of
him. Selphie happily popped out of the
barn.
"Hiya,
Zell!"
Zell
turned and smiled at his pretty little sorceress. Rocket then walked out and ate something. No one ever found out what. A little Shinigami (Bat-Duo thing) watched
this all while perched on a stump that looker eerily like Winnie the Pooh. In the distance a grazing cow felt a naked
body dislodge itself from her abdomen. Irvine stood angrily and limped away. NOOO!!! Not the children! Don't
eat the CHILDREN!! Then he fell into a
small crater. And… and… I forgot.
So,
anyway… Zell and Selphie smiled at each
other. Neither spoke because they both
felt terribly uncomfortable. Who could
tell when Rocket would drop a balloon of heroin or something? So they mounted Rocket and headed back to
the garden!
***
Back
to last night because I have not been paying attention to the passage of time
between scenes…
Quistis
was grading papers. Just kidding, she
does do more than that! Quistis was
trying to take a nap (the poor thing only has two hobbies) but she just
couldn't stop feeling… you all know
what ecstasy does to you so I won't go into that. Then she heard a knock at the door. Quistis got up and went to the door, for all she knew it could be
a hot guy, or any guy for that matter. The girl's got "needs." She opened the door to see Seifer.
"Damn,
Seifer has never looked so hot before…"
"Hello,
Instructor."
"Skip
the "Instructor" shit and get the Hell in here!"
Quistis
grabbed Seifer by his shirt collar and dragged him inside.
***
A few
doors down, Rinoa was feeling quite the same way, but instead of sitting
around, she decided to go Squall-Hunting! She spotted her black-clad boyfriend at the dormitory entrance.
GLOMP!
Poor
Squall, he never saw her coming. He was
so surprised he didn't even make any sounds as his randy little Sorceress
carried him to her room. In the mean
time, Quistis's door opened and Seifer tried to crawl out.
"At
this rate I won't have enough left for Rinoa…"
"Where
do you think you're going?!"
"HELP!!!"
Quistis
wasn't through with him…
***
So
back to the morning. Zell and Selphie
entered the Garden. There they found a
very worn looking Seifer walking toward is room. Seifer picked up his phone. He had a call to make.
"Esthar
Executive Office."
Seifer
wad surprised he got through on the first try.
"Um,
yes… Can I speak to the President?"
"Who
is speaking?"
"Um…
I'm a friend. The name's THINK THINK
THINK!! Zell Dinct. DAMN!! Of
all of Squall's friends the first one I think of is Chicken-Wuss!"
"Oh! Mr. Dinct, I'll connect you now."
"At
least it worked…"
"Hello,
this is Laguna"
"Oh,
hi. They probably told you I was Zell,
but I'm not. I just said that cause I
knew they wouldn't let me speak to you unless I was someone you knew."
"…Who
are you?"
"I'm
an… acquaintance of Squall's. You are
his father, right?"
"Some
people think so."
"Well,
I think your son has been having unprotected sex with Rinoa…"
The
unlikely president excitedly interrupted the ex-knight.
"You
mean my son banged Julia's daughter?!"
"Um…
yeah…"
Seifer
was feeling quite uncomfortable.
"Wow,
Squall didn't seem like the type when I met him. I need to throw him a coming-of-age party or something…"
"But
I think Rinoa's pregnant."
"Cool! I'm gonna be a Grandpa!"
"…I
think you're missing the point…"
"Tell
Squall to call me. Thanks for telling
me about all of this! Bye bye!"
"But--"
Seifer
dropped the phone. He was starting to
feel like the only sane one around lately. He started to leave the room when he heard someone enter his room. In one movement Seifer picked up his
gunblade, leapt up in the air, and landed with his weapon pointed at the
intruder. Rajin happily held up a small
mammal for Seifer.
"I
found one, ya know!"
Seifer
relaxed and leaned against the gunblade like a crutch.
"That
you did. Okay, put him in the
cage."
Rajin
obediently did his bidding.
"I'll
give you your 'special treat' later today… I'm tired…"
"Okay,
just like tell me when you're ready, ya know!"
"Fine,
I'll probably be taking a nap until then."
Rajin
skipped happily away and Seifer threw himself down on his bed. But he was unaware that something had crept
silently into his room…
"Seifer?"
"Shit."
Quistis
stood above the lad and looked somewhat embarrassed.
"I
just wanted to say sorry about last night. I don't know what came over me."
"Um,
don't worry about it…"
"Soo…"
"Yeah."
"Can
we do it again some time?"
"WHAT?"
"I'll
pass you on the next SeeD exam."
"Hm…
Okay!"
***
Somewhere,
a young teenage boy's father was giving him crap for listening to rock music,
and then Twisted Sister came in.
"We're
not gonna take it. NO! We ain't gonna take it. We're not gonna take it, any mooore!"
***
Squall
was happily resting in Doctor Kadawaki's office. Sleeping had taken a lot out of him. But the good Doctor had plans of her own…
"I'm
gonna have to neuter Seifer. He's been
impregnating everything in this Garden. Those poor T-Rexaurs… I need to
test this fertility drug. Hey, maybe I
can bring Rinoa in here while Squall's here!"
***
Seifer
sat in Quistis' classroom taking a hastily put together SeeD written test. Quistis really wanted him to graduate
soon. Sexual relations with a student
who was actually her age could still get her in trouble. Seifer nearly concentrated on the next
question.
"27. How many children can Rinoa pump out of that
tiny 'lil ass all at once?
a. purple
b. bubble wrap
c. As many as Squall can pump
in."
Seifer
finished the test in a matter of minutes, after all these were (for the most
part) the same questions he had been answering on these tests since he was like
15 or 16 or something.
"JE
SUIS FINI!!"
"Eh?"
"Oh,
sorry. I mean to say, I'm
finished."
"Good! I'll take you on a field test now."
"Um,
I'll be to only one taking the field test?"
"Of
course! No one else is getting early
graduation. But this is the real
thing. Xu just HAS to come along…"
"Damn,
well I'll get you all to myself later my yummy little Quisty."
Quistis
playfully sat on Seifer's desk.
"Of
course you will Seify-poo!"
***
Am
I making you sick yet?
The
story has lapsed into something that wasn't originally intended…
But
it's fun, isn't it?
So
then Xu and Quistis took Seifer to Dollet.
"So,
ladies, what heroic act will I be doing here today?"
Xu
put her hand on a car.
"You
see this car? Well it shakes
perpetually. We want you to make it
stop shaking. Mmm…that's right. Get that sexy ass over here."
"...Okay."
Seifer
carefully opened the car's door. There
was no key in the ignition so it wasn't running… he looked in the backseat
carefully. No sex there. There was nothing inside the car to make it
shake. He opened the hood, nothing
moved in the engine. Then he heard a
muffled conversation in the trunk.
"Agh! I can't breathe…"
"Zell,
move your face, of course you can't breathe."
"Oh,
yeah, that's better."
Seifer
cautiously opened the trunk. There he
saw Selphie and Zell cowering in the corner.
"Chicken-Wuss
and Messenger-Girl. What are you two
doing in Dollet?"
Zell
scratched his head. Selphie stood up
and brushed off her red and black dress. She then inspected her black patent-leather boots. Then Selphie decided to answer Seifer.
"Weeelll…
My knight and I were just curious about what you and Quistis were doin' so we
hid in this car and waited for you!"
"Your
knight?"
"Yup! I'm a sorceress!"
"…Why
don't I get to be a knight?"
Quistis
promptly stood before Seify-Poo.
"You
passed!! You're a SeeD now! And you can be my 'Knight' ANYTIME!"
Seifer
looked unbelievably happy. And there
was much rejoicing.
"YAY!"
So
Seifer was a SeeD and Quistis got laid all she wanted. But what about poor Rajin and his fresh
gerbil? Well, Rajin came in to Fuujin's
room to share the good news that he's found a gerbil when he saw her with Nida.
"OH
GOD!! FUUJIN!! WHY, YA KNOW?"
"LONELY."
"Oh…"
Nida
stood and peered at the creature in Rajin's hand.
"Hey,
is that a gerbil?"
"Yeah,
it is. I've got some PVC pipe, ya
know?"
"Rodger!"
***
Wasn't
that disturbing?
Dr.
Kadawaki knocked on Rinoa's door.
"Rinoa,
are you in there?"
A
female student walked by.
"Rinoa's
in the cafeteria."
So
the doctor went down to the cafeteria. There she saw Rinoa stuffing hotdog after hotdog in her mouth. Not pretty. Bravely the older woman approached the younger one.
"Rinoa?"
Rinoa
looked up and spoke with her mouth full.
"Yes?"
"Do
you want to come to visit Squall in the Infirmary?
"Okay,
let me finish my sixth hotdog…"
The
young sorceress and the doctor spotted a save spot outside the cafeteria. Rinoa pointed to it.
"Hey! That was there before!"
"Well,
you know how those things are always getting moved around."
"Yeah,
that's right. Hey do you think we
should save before going on?"
"That
might be a good idea."
"Don't
forget to junction your GF."
They
stood in the save spot and now they were safe; if they were killed they could
always go back to this moment. They
walked away from the spot and headed toward the infirmary. Then a bright light
surrounded them and a heavily pregnant T-Rexaur appeared. They fought it for a while but then Rinoa
noticed Dr. Kadawaki hadn't summoned her GF yet…
"YOU
FORGOT TO JUNCTION, DIDN'T YOU?!"
Dr.
Kadawaki looked quite embarrassed.
"…yes…"
And
then they died.
Game
Over.
Start. Programs. FINAL FANTASY VIII. FINAL FANTASY VIII. Continue. Slot 2. Save12. They walked away from the spot and headed
toward the infirmary. Then a bright light surrounded them and a heavily pregnant
T-Rexaur appeared. Rinoa and Kadawaki
fought and won. Then they traveled to
the infirmary.
"Alright
Rinoa, sit right here."
"Okay."
The
doctor walked to Squall's bedside.
"You
have a visitor."
"……."
Squall
curled up into the fetal position. Then
he uncurled, sat up, and stepped into the waiting area thingy. Rinoa sat looking up at him. Kadawaki followed Squall.
"I'd
like to do a pregnancy test on you."
"………………"
"Not
you, Squall. I'm talking to
Rinoa."
"Why
would she be doing a pregnancy test? Nobody knows about what we've been doing. AH!! IT'S THE ANTI-CHRIST! Unless she's been telling people, but why would she do that…"
"SQUALL!!"
"Huh?"
Doctor
Kadawaki handed Squall a small piece of paper. Yes, she was able to complete the test and get the results in the time
it took Squall to think that. She's
special.
"The
test came back positive."
"Bollocks."
Heheh,
bollocks is a funny word!
Squall
then went to Rinoa's side.
"…I
just heard the results. How are you
feeling?"
"I'm
hungry."
The
couple walked back to the cafeteria together.