Good Morning: An Interlude
By Len
Disclaimer: Not mine. Feel free to use any of my characters you want. Especially the cabbage - I'm rather fond of the little guy.
Notes: 8th in the Operation Moss series, but not the last.
More Notes: Bring me the finest feedback in the land!! And down with the JR Mafia!!
~ Donna Moss's apartment, 10:43 am. Saturday. ~
Ow. Ow ow ow...ouch ow ow.
Ow, ouch.
Blinking hurts. Breathing hurts. Merely existing actually causes me pain.
I think I may have a small hangover.
The events of last night are somewhat blurry. I do remember coming into my apartment and bursting into tears. And I remember something about shortbread.
Oh, that's right. My twin sister left last night. Left a note saying she was going to Las Vegas to marry her rock-singing boyfriend. Who happens to be Scottish. Hence the shortbread. Her note gushed on and on about how romantic the guy was - he sent her the ring in a big cookie.
What a sap.
The door to my bedroom opens a crack, and a vicious ray of slight whacks me across the eyes. "Shut the door..." I croak.
My roommate Cammie doesn't comply. "Well, Sleeping Beauty, it's about time you woke up. I was starting to think-"
"You!" I cut her off, gasping at the sudden throbbing thinking causes me. "You are the person responsible for this! This is all your fault!"
It actually comes out more as "You! Youda psson rispnible fudis." Cammie grins broadly. I hide under my quilt.
"No, you did his all on your own. Good job. I couldn't have done better. Believe me, I've tried. "
"Need motivation," I tell her. Mohavason. Whatever. She understands. She's the one who took one look at me last night and dragged me to the nearest bar. After that, everything becomes hazy. I have a vague recollection of 'Achy Breaky Heart' and a magenta feather boa.
"CJ called twice. That Sam guy's called seven times."
"Josh?" I ask pitifully.
"Nope."
Good. I don't want to talk to him. I can't remember why, but I have the sneaking suspicion that he is the reason I am presently wallowing in agony. What did he do this time...?
Oh. That's right.
"Can I get you anything?" Cammie asks.
A blunt instrument to beat some sense into my probably soon-to-be-ex boss? "Another drink?"
The evil woman laughs, and then slams my door.
Ow. Ow ow ouch....
~ CJ Cregg's Apartment, 10:43 am. Saturday. ~
Ow. Ow ow ouch. Ow! "Ow!" I yell, lashing out blindly at whatever is attacking me while I sleep.
"You, my friend, are road kill. You are toast. You are dead meat. You are..." CJ trails off, still wielding the pillow in her right hand.
"What?" I ask blearily. "What's going on?"
CJ doesn't say anything, but I think she growls at me. From behind her I can make out the vague outlines of what strongly resembles a cabbage, sitting on her coffee table. "What's that?" I squeak, pointing.
"I believe it is what's commonly referred to as a cabbage."
I know that voice. Why do I know that voice? I'm on the verge of figuring out why, when Toby steps into view. Toby. Oh, okay. Wait a second, what's Toby doing here?
And I remember some hideous punishment CJ had lined up for me, just in case I made a pass at my assistant. Something involving that very same leafy purple vegetable. I sit up quickly and scoot to the opposite side of the couch, away from them both. "Why are you bothering me?" I whine, attempting to divert her attention.
She stares at me. From the way her mouth is hanging open, I'm guessing it's due to abject disbelief. Next to her, Toby picks up the cabbage and starts tossing it up into the air and catching it. Toss...catch. Toss...catch. Just like one of his pink rubber balls.
I think I gulp.
"What do you remember about last night?' Toby asks gruffly. Toss...catch. Toss...catch.
"What do you mean, 'What do I remember?' I remember everything. Do you wanna know why? Because I was not drunk!"
"Good," CJ grinds out, finding her voice again, "Then you'll remember why I'm going to have to kill you now."
"W-what? Why do you want to kill me?" I sputter. I really can't imagine what I could have done that would piss CJ off to the degree...wait. Wait just a second. I may have a faint flicker of an idea. I didn't exactly make a pass at my assistant so much as I passed out at her feet.
Right after declaring my never-ending love.
Whoops.
Well, I wasn't flowery enough to use the words 'never-ending'. But Donna's a bright woman, and she knows I'm not one for emotional outpourings, so that part should have pretty much gone without saying. It _does_ go without saying.
"I'm not entirely sure exactly what you've done, but I'm positive it was something I wouldn't approve of," CJ says. "Donna left about three seconds after you pulled your little Rip Van Winkle routine-"
"Actually, Rip Van-"
"Shut up!"
"I'm just saying, you're getting your-"
"Josh," Toby says. Toss...catch. Toss...catch. "You upset Donna. And, quite frankly, after hearing about all this Operation Moss garbage, I'm surprised you haven't done it sooner."
Wait, how does Toby know about Operation Moss? "How do you know about that?"
"Josh, I am an intelligent, college-educated man. I caught after I saw you skulking in the shadows and hiding around corners for the third day in a row. I just didn't have a name for your latest bout of blatant lunacy."
"So I told him about your little scheme," CJ adds.
"She was upset. Your assistant," Toby says, his voice growing louder with each syllable, "was CRYING when she left. Now what in the HELL did you DO?"
CJ nods and adds, "She looked really bad, Josh. For God's sake, the woman looked you just killed her...her..."
"Hamster," I fill in absently. She was crying? She had the murdered hamster face? "Maybe your onion dip was off, CJ," I joke. Yes, that was misdirection. I know if I don't joke I'll end up burying my head in the sofa cushions like an ostrich, never to emerge.
Toby, dressed rather surprisingly in sweats, continues to toss the cabbage. I focus on that movement, and try to ignore the possible ramifications of what they are telling me.
Unfortunately a man of my intelligence is good at multitasking. Donna was upset - looked sick, in fact - right after I told her I loved her. In this instance, even I can read the glaring subtext.
She hates me.
How could I have been so completely, utterly, and totally stupid? Joey Lucas, Sam, CJ, and even my own gut feelings were wrong. The only feelings Donna has for me are friendly. And after last night, who knows if there is even that left? I feel as if I've been slugged by Mike Tyson. Hey - maybe if I could get someone to bite me ear off my heart won't ache so badly.
I wonder if CJ would know how to get a hold of him...
"Well," I say finally, pushing myself painfully off CJ's couch. "It's nice to know I've still got it." I leave them standing in the living room and stagger to the hall, trying to find my backpack.
"Got what?" CJ asks, following me.
I smile ruefully. "The ability to nauseate women just by the mere thought of spending the rest of their lives with me. Just by telling her I love her. I still got it."
Her face softens, "Oh, Josh..." Even Toby stops tossing the damn cabbage. I shrug and open the door. "I should have known better, CJ. I should have listened to you."
"Josh, wait a minute and I'll drive you home." Toby sets the cabbage down on the hall table and follows me out. I wave him off.
"Nah. I'm good." As good as can be expected.
He nods and says nothing, and I continue down the sidewalk. Walking hurts. Breathing hurts. Just the fact that I am living actually causes me to ache.
Ow. Ow ow ouch....
By Len
Disclaimer: Not mine. Feel free to use any of my characters you want. Especially the cabbage - I'm rather fond of the little guy.
Notes: 8th in the Operation Moss series, but not the last.
More Notes: Bring me the finest feedback in the land!! And down with the JR Mafia!!
~ Donna Moss's apartment, 10:43 am. Saturday. ~
Ow. Ow ow ow...ouch ow ow.
Ow, ouch.
Blinking hurts. Breathing hurts. Merely existing actually causes me pain.
I think I may have a small hangover.
The events of last night are somewhat blurry. I do remember coming into my apartment and bursting into tears. And I remember something about shortbread.
Oh, that's right. My twin sister left last night. Left a note saying she was going to Las Vegas to marry her rock-singing boyfriend. Who happens to be Scottish. Hence the shortbread. Her note gushed on and on about how romantic the guy was - he sent her the ring in a big cookie.
What a sap.
The door to my bedroom opens a crack, and a vicious ray of slight whacks me across the eyes. "Shut the door..." I croak.
My roommate Cammie doesn't comply. "Well, Sleeping Beauty, it's about time you woke up. I was starting to think-"
"You!" I cut her off, gasping at the sudden throbbing thinking causes me. "You are the person responsible for this! This is all your fault!"
It actually comes out more as "You! Youda psson rispnible fudis." Cammie grins broadly. I hide under my quilt.
"No, you did his all on your own. Good job. I couldn't have done better. Believe me, I've tried. "
"Need motivation," I tell her. Mohavason. Whatever. She understands. She's the one who took one look at me last night and dragged me to the nearest bar. After that, everything becomes hazy. I have a vague recollection of 'Achy Breaky Heart' and a magenta feather boa.
"CJ called twice. That Sam guy's called seven times."
"Josh?" I ask pitifully.
"Nope."
Good. I don't want to talk to him. I can't remember why, but I have the sneaking suspicion that he is the reason I am presently wallowing in agony. What did he do this time...?
Oh. That's right.
"Can I get you anything?" Cammie asks.
A blunt instrument to beat some sense into my probably soon-to-be-ex boss? "Another drink?"
The evil woman laughs, and then slams my door.
Ow. Ow ow ouch....
~ CJ Cregg's Apartment, 10:43 am. Saturday. ~
Ow. Ow ow ouch. Ow! "Ow!" I yell, lashing out blindly at whatever is attacking me while I sleep.
"You, my friend, are road kill. You are toast. You are dead meat. You are..." CJ trails off, still wielding the pillow in her right hand.
"What?" I ask blearily. "What's going on?"
CJ doesn't say anything, but I think she growls at me. From behind her I can make out the vague outlines of what strongly resembles a cabbage, sitting on her coffee table. "What's that?" I squeak, pointing.
"I believe it is what's commonly referred to as a cabbage."
I know that voice. Why do I know that voice? I'm on the verge of figuring out why, when Toby steps into view. Toby. Oh, okay. Wait a second, what's Toby doing here?
And I remember some hideous punishment CJ had lined up for me, just in case I made a pass at my assistant. Something involving that very same leafy purple vegetable. I sit up quickly and scoot to the opposite side of the couch, away from them both. "Why are you bothering me?" I whine, attempting to divert her attention.
She stares at me. From the way her mouth is hanging open, I'm guessing it's due to abject disbelief. Next to her, Toby picks up the cabbage and starts tossing it up into the air and catching it. Toss...catch. Toss...catch. Just like one of his pink rubber balls.
I think I gulp.
"What do you remember about last night?' Toby asks gruffly. Toss...catch. Toss...catch.
"What do you mean, 'What do I remember?' I remember everything. Do you wanna know why? Because I was not drunk!"
"Good," CJ grinds out, finding her voice again, "Then you'll remember why I'm going to have to kill you now."
"W-what? Why do you want to kill me?" I sputter. I really can't imagine what I could have done that would piss CJ off to the degree...wait. Wait just a second. I may have a faint flicker of an idea. I didn't exactly make a pass at my assistant so much as I passed out at her feet.
Right after declaring my never-ending love.
Whoops.
Well, I wasn't flowery enough to use the words 'never-ending'. But Donna's a bright woman, and she knows I'm not one for emotional outpourings, so that part should have pretty much gone without saying. It _does_ go without saying.
"I'm not entirely sure exactly what you've done, but I'm positive it was something I wouldn't approve of," CJ says. "Donna left about three seconds after you pulled your little Rip Van Winkle routine-"
"Actually, Rip Van-"
"Shut up!"
"I'm just saying, you're getting your-"
"Josh," Toby says. Toss...catch. Toss...catch. "You upset Donna. And, quite frankly, after hearing about all this Operation Moss garbage, I'm surprised you haven't done it sooner."
Wait, how does Toby know about Operation Moss? "How do you know about that?"
"Josh, I am an intelligent, college-educated man. I caught after I saw you skulking in the shadows and hiding around corners for the third day in a row. I just didn't have a name for your latest bout of blatant lunacy."
"So I told him about your little scheme," CJ adds.
"She was upset. Your assistant," Toby says, his voice growing louder with each syllable, "was CRYING when she left. Now what in the HELL did you DO?"
CJ nods and adds, "She looked really bad, Josh. For God's sake, the woman looked you just killed her...her..."
"Hamster," I fill in absently. She was crying? She had the murdered hamster face? "Maybe your onion dip was off, CJ," I joke. Yes, that was misdirection. I know if I don't joke I'll end up burying my head in the sofa cushions like an ostrich, never to emerge.
Toby, dressed rather surprisingly in sweats, continues to toss the cabbage. I focus on that movement, and try to ignore the possible ramifications of what they are telling me.
Unfortunately a man of my intelligence is good at multitasking. Donna was upset - looked sick, in fact - right after I told her I loved her. In this instance, even I can read the glaring subtext.
She hates me.
How could I have been so completely, utterly, and totally stupid? Joey Lucas, Sam, CJ, and even my own gut feelings were wrong. The only feelings Donna has for me are friendly. And after last night, who knows if there is even that left? I feel as if I've been slugged by Mike Tyson. Hey - maybe if I could get someone to bite me ear off my heart won't ache so badly.
I wonder if CJ would know how to get a hold of him...
"Well," I say finally, pushing myself painfully off CJ's couch. "It's nice to know I've still got it." I leave them standing in the living room and stagger to the hall, trying to find my backpack.
"Got what?" CJ asks, following me.
I smile ruefully. "The ability to nauseate women just by the mere thought of spending the rest of their lives with me. Just by telling her I love her. I still got it."
Her face softens, "Oh, Josh..." Even Toby stops tossing the damn cabbage. I shrug and open the door. "I should have known better, CJ. I should have listened to you."
"Josh, wait a minute and I'll drive you home." Toby sets the cabbage down on the hall table and follows me out. I wave him off.
"Nah. I'm good." As good as can be expected.
He nods and says nothing, and I continue down the sidewalk. Walking hurts. Breathing hurts. Just the fact that I am living actually causes me to ache.
Ow. Ow ow ouch....