[Scene 3]


There wasn't a whole lot of variety in the Fortress kitchen. Let's just say the Gerudo clan is not famous for gourmet cooking. Ganon stood in the doorway, observing the empty cupboards, the thick layer of dust on the counters, and the mice running freely. He didn't care. He was starving (and bored out of his mind).

After a good thorough cleaning, he set to work gathering all the edible items in the kitchen and placing them on the table-he would try to choose something decent from them to eat. All he found was some raw Cuccoo, some fish, a Bomb flower, some Deku nuts, seeds, and berries, Lon Lon milk and Lon Lon butter, and a jar of Dodongo Rock flour. The food had apparently been sitting around for quite some time, but poor Ganon was desperate. So desperate that he threw everything into the largest bowl he could find and mixed them together (knowing absolutely jack about cooking or health/safety matters, the meat wasn't washed, cut or deboned, and he used water from the tap, which had to run for several minutes before it stopped spewing smelly grime).

When the mixture took on a uniform colour, Ganon dipped in a wooden spoon and tasted it. "Hmmm...kinda bland. Cold, too. At least it passed the first test: I didn't go blind." Had he removed the gun powder from the Bomb flower, it wouldn't have tasted that way, but this led him to search the kitchen once again for something new. But, the only thing he found was an old, frozen pie crust. "Hmmm..." he repeated. "This may lead to something good..."

Just as he was putting his culinary masterpiece into the oven, the kitchen door burst open. Nabooru stormed in, carrying a jar of what looked like sand, but not quite. She was blown away by the sight of Ganon in an apron and the mess left in his wake. "What the darn-?!" she screamed. "What is all this? And what on earth are you doing in my new apron? Is this mess you're doing?! Oh-tell me that is not an empty milk jar I see-you polished off the berries, too?! Dammit, those were for our FACIALS this afternoon!" She paused to sniff the air. "What died in here?"

Ganon's eyes flared. "What died?! Well, I-well-that's none of your business, woman! As King, I can do whatever I want!"

"Oh, please," Nabooru scoffed as she pushed him out of her way and approached the oven. "Whatever that awful stench is, it's coming from here. I'll bet you were too stupid to clean out the dead animals before turning this on, right?"

But, before Ganon could pick up his wooden spoon to smash Nabooru's face, he realized that she was more useful than he assumed. At that particular moment, Ganon's mind began racing...so fast, that Nabooru hardly knew what was happening when she was sent sailing headfirst into the oven.

[Scene 4]

There was a look of worry amongst the Gerudo soldiers as they sat waiting for dinner. At 21:00 at night, Nabooru was three hours late in serving dinner, but everyone knew better than to mess with her or her kitchen. To enter without her permission was a day wandering the Haunted Wasteland; to interrupt her while cooking would mean certain death.

Finally, a strange smell wafted towards them. It was food! At last! They all sighed and smiled with relief. It wasn't the best smell in Hyrule, but at least it was a sign that Nabooru was okay.

"Surprise, ladies!" boomed the voice of Ganon, now entering the scene with an overcooked pie and a chef's hat on his head. Yes, it was definitely a surprise to the Gerudos. Now they were scared.

Jadooru (1) quietly cleared her throat, preparing her words carefully. "Mmm, it smells...wonderful, Your Highness. But do tell us, where is Nabooru today?"

Ganon's eyes shifted quickly as he set the pie down and thought up an excuse. "Oh, she's, uh, around. But don't worry about dinner. All the dinner you'll ever need is right here. Get it while it's hot!"

He sat at the head of the table, watching everyone's reaction. Everyone (Ganon included) started the same way: they would wrinkle their noses, or their eyes would widen as if to say, "Dear Goddess of Time, what is this crap?" But their faces would quickly revert to normal to avoid trouble from each other; eventually, they got used to the crunchiness and even began to like the pie. In fact, they liked it so much, several wanted second and third helpings (even though they couldn't, because there wasn't enough).

"Wow!" a Gerudo exclaimed as she rested back in her chair. "There wasn't much, but that is definitely what I would call a meal!" The others nodded in agreement: that was some damn good eatin'.

Ganon's eyes lit up with pride as he received their compliments. "You liked it? Really? Hmm...well, if you all enjoyed it so much, maybe I'll make some more." He paused, then added slyly: "A lot more..."

"Say, Your Worship," the soldier beside Jadooru said after letting out a belch. "What do you call this stuff, anyway?"

Beaming at his own cleverness, Ganon rose from his chair and said triumphantly:

"I like to call it...



1. pronounced "sha-DOO-roo"