[Scene 13]

That night, the Kokiri children watched in awe from their doorways and windows as Link dragged a thrashing burlap sack into the forest and into his house; they could only guess what was going on in the outside world. Link clicked on a lantern and dropped the sack on the hardwood floor, ignoring the demonic growling coming from inside. He took a quick look around: yes, everything was set. "Lara, Sara, we're ready!"

As the twins climbed up the ladder, Link picked up the sack again and moved it to his bed. It was too dangerous to untie it, so he simply cut the sack open with his sword, revealing a redheaded, black-swathed Zelda-gagged and bound and snarling like a rabid beast. Just then, the twins arrived in the doorway dressed in monks' robes and carrying big, heavy baskets and a toolbox. "Is everything ready?" they asked.

"Yes. That's what I just said."

"All valuables and dangerous objects have been removed from the room? No one is wearing any glasses, jewellery, pacemakers? Any heart conditions, pregnant women-?"

"No! Stop fooling around, and just do it!"

Pretending not to notice Link's frustration, the twins nodded solemnly to each other and set to work. Sara closed the curtain in the doorway and pinned it shut; she did the same with the windows. Then she moved the table in the centre of the room against the wall, placed the baskets on top, and removed their contents: rope, blankets, sweaters, towels, buckets, a five-pound bag of rice, four bottles of water, and a fat green book with the Triforce symbol and gold letters, spelling out; "Book of Mudora: the Heavy Edition." At the same time, Lara approached Zelda with the toolbox. She removed a thermometer [a real one] and put it in the princess's mouth. Zelda turned her head and spat it out with such force, it shot into the wall like a dart. "Nooooo...give me piiiiiiiee!!" she roared.

Without flinching, Lara took out a small flashlight and looked deep into Zelda's eyes and ears. With a stethoscope, she checked Zelda's heart. "Hmmm..." Lara furrowed her eyebrows and stepped back. "Interesting."

"What is it?" Link asked her. "Is it bad?"

Lara sighed. "Her heart is racing faster than Bjork's rendition of 'Hunter.' I'm afraid our suspicions were accurate-your friend here is possessed."

Link's eyes widened as he gazed at Zelda, still struggling to be free. "By the Triforce itself! Possessed?!"

"'Fraid so. There's hope for her, though; it isn't demonic. Tell me, how did she behave before the transition? Were there any significant changes in her life? Stress? Peer pressure? Unfulfilled sexual experience?"

Link shook his head, remorseful. "She ate that cursed pie. That's the only thing that could have...wait a minute, did you just say-?"

"Ah, yes, that Gerudo pie everyone's been talking about. That's very strange, how a certain food can change someone so drastically. Whatever that stuff contains, it is surely a dangerous alchemy. But don't worry. By morning, she'll have completely recovered."

Lara ordered Link to remove Zelda from the bed as they proceeded to tie her to a chair with the rope. She spoke gravely as Link restrained the Princess from moving around: "Especially important is the warning to avoid conversation with the demonic persona. We may ask what is relevant, but anything beyond that is dangerous. She will lie to confuse us. But she will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Link. And powerful. So don't listen, remember that, do not listen."

"But what do we do if she-" his sentence was cut short when he let his guard down, giving Zelda the fraction of a second she needed to free herself from his grip. She struck Link and Lara with mighty blows of her fist and a triumphant laugh. "Ha-HA! TRIUMPH!" Without warning, she flipped her body over and began to spider-crawl her way to the door.

"No! Stop her!" Sara cried, and courageously threw herself onto Zelda, pinning her to the floor. Link and Lara didn't hesitate to grab Zelda and drag her back to the chair, where she was successfully strapped down.

"Fools!" she snarled as they backed away. "I'll have you hanged for this! The Great Ganondorf will not stand for this insolence."

Lara crossed the room and grabbed one of the bottles of water. "Be silent," she commanded, and forced Zelda to swallow some. She barely choked it down, and it made her cry in agony. The sound was deafening. "What's wrong with her?!" Link yelled over her voice.

Sara spoke once Zelda had stopped screaming. "The water is a pure substance," she explained. "It has no smell or taste, and it cleans out the digestive system. By doing so, it washes the taste from her mouth and attacks the pie in her stomach." She grabbed the bottle from Lara's hands and tossed it to Link. "If she gives you any lip, shut her up with that. All right, sister. Let us begin."

Sara stood before Zelda while Lara busied herself looking for something among their tools. "Now," Sara cleared her throat. "Tell me, Princess Zelda of Hyrule-"

"No!" Zelda snapped. "I am Zelda, Princess of the Gerudo Thieves! All hail the Princess! Hail hail hail hail hail hail hail hail hail-"

Link readied the water again, but Sara held up a hand to stop him. "You are a Gerudo Thief, are you? Very interesting. If that is true, then tell me...what do you think of THIS?!" Out of nowhere, she whipped out a crude drawing of the Three Goddesses, which made Zelda squint her eyes and hiss. "Very interesting reaction," Sara repeated. "Now, tell me what do you think when you see this?" She reached into one of her large sleeves and pulled out a piece of the Sweet Gerudo Pie she had salvaged from the fall, and unwrapped it slowly, seductively, in front of Zelda's face. Enticed, Zelda began to purr. When Sara waved the pie inches in front of the Princess's nose, her tongue flickered towards it like a lizard's. Satisfied, Sara pulled it away. "Perfect! We have our culprit; it's definitely the pie that's making her do this. Now all we have to do is get rid of it."

Link was confused. "Get rid of the pie? But she's already eaten it."

"Precisely." And with that, Sara tossed the napkin into the nearest bucket. Zelda was furious. Her nostrils flared. She began jumping around on the chair, trying to get close to the table, but it was pointless. She let out a ferocious roar, and screeched incredible gibberish at the top of her lungs: "Em Eip!! Ylbmut ym ni ylbmur a tog i!! Emmig emmig emmig!! Eip odureg teews!!"

Lara whirled around. "What? Say that again!"

Zelda repeated her gibberish over and over again. Lara rummaged through the stuff on the table until she found a piece of paper, a quill, and some ink. As Zelda yelled, Lara struggled to copy down what she said. She made several stressful scribbles until she had gotten down decent words. Link watched in awe. "You understand what she's saying!"

"Of course. It's english."

"English? Do you take me for an idiot or something?"

"Yes. But trust me, it's english. See?"

Sara and Link looked over her shoulder to read the paper. It was a single sentence written several times, with many words drawn over or scribbled out altogether, until it had been revised to read:

EM EIP YLBMUT YM NI YLBMUR A TOG I EMMIG EMMIG EMMIG EIP ODUREG TEEWS

Then, directly underneath, Lara wrote the following:

SWEET GERUDO PIE GIMME GIMME I GOT A RUMBLY IN MY TUMBLY PIE ME

"By the Goddesses," Link gasped. "Lara, you're a genius! I never would have guessed."

Lara sat up proudly. "See? I told you you're an idiot."

Suddenly, the room went cold. The three of them looked at each other in shock, watching their breath leaving their mouths. "What in the world? It's the middle of summer, for Din's sake!" Link remarked.

"It's Zelda," the twins pointed to her. Sure enough, she was glaring from person to person. She did not seem at all affected by the cold. Lara handed a sweater to Link and ordered him to put it on. She then wrapped a few blankets around Zelda. Sara explored through Link's cupboards until she found a large pot, and set it on the stove, which she cranked up to full power. "Hand me the rice and water," she said to Lara without looking. Lara obeyed immediately.

"Rice? Come on, this is no time to be making lunch."

"Quiet," Sara snapped. "This is the only way, Link. You must trust us. Now, while we wait for this stuff to cook, we will tame the demonic persona."

The twins had to hold the Book of Mudora between them, because it was so heavy. They flipped through the pages until they found what they were looking for, and began to read:

"According to the Hylian scrolls, the mythical gods descended from a distant nebula to the world that was and created order and life. The God of Power dyed the mountains red with fire and created land. The God of Wisdom created science and wizardry and brought order to nature. And the God of Courage, through justice and vigor, created life--the animals that crawl the land and the birds that soar in the sky. After the gods--"

Zelda growled and barked. "Shut up! I won't hear such talk! Ganon rules!" Link took his cue and forced some more water down Zelda's throat; she didn't like it. She seethed with rage as the twins continued:

"After the gods had finished their work, they left the world, but no before creating a symbol of their strength, a golden triangle known as the Triforce. A small but powerful portion of the essence of the gods was held in this mighty artifact, which was to guide the intelligent life on the world of Hyrule."

"You stupid Hylians! Your race is pitiful! Your blood is weak! I do not speak for all my Gerudo sisters, but personally, I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE YOU!"

"Quick, Link! Give her more water."

He forced the jar to lips. She chugged it down, coughing and sputtering in disbelief. "Uh-oh, all gone!" he panicked.

Sara abandoned her half of the book to run and grab another jar. Lara hit the floor like a ton of bricks. Without hesitation,

Sara removed the cork from the jar, splashed some of the water directly in Zelda's face, then handed Link the jar and helped her sister to her feet. "Come on, we've got to keep reading. Quick, skip ahead!

'One day, quite by accident, a gate to the Golden Land of the Triforce was opened by a gang of thieves skilled in the black arts. This land was like no other. In the gathering twilight, the Triforce shone from its resting place high above the world--' Ah, skip this crap. '...the leader stood triumphant over the Triforce and grasped it with his blood-stained hands. He heard a whispered voice: "If thou has a strong desire or dream, wish for it..." And in reply, the roaring laughter of the brigand leader echoed across time and space and even reached the far-off land of Hyrule. The name of this king of thieves is Ganondorf Dragmire, but he is known by his alias, Mandrag Ganon, which means Ganon of the Enchanted Thieves.' There you have it, Princess! By the word and prophecy of Mudora, Ganon was, is, and always will be an evil person! This pie of his will certainly bring you to a bad end, as it has been for all of his minions!"

As Zelda listened to these words, she started to shake her head violently. Choking on her own rage, she made horrible sounds, a cross between gagging and screaming. Link, Lara, and Sara looked on with terror as they watched Zelda's head start to swivel like a pivot on her neck, and slowly spin around in a 360 turn, making the sound of creaking metal.

"Ah, that's enough! We can wait no longer. Get the rice!" Lara cried.

"But it's not ready yet!" Sara yelled back.

"We have no choice, man!"

Link obediently drained the pot and poured the rice into a bowl. "All right, now what?"

"We must offer it to her. She must be convinced it is the only alternative to pie. She must believe she has to eat it, or starve to death."

Scared out of their wits, Lara and Sara stood at Link's side as he held the bowl up to Zelda. "Come on, Zelda," Sara cooed. "Try some of the rice. It's nutritious...and tasty!"

"Neh! I will have nothing but the King's confection! You hear me? Nothing!"

"Keep trying," Lara urged. She began to chant: "The power of rice compels you. The power of rice compels you." Sara and Link followed her lead and chanted with her. "The power of rice compels you. The power of rice compels you! The power of rice compels you! The power of rice compels you!"

Zelda retaliated with a chant of her own: "EM EIP!! YLBMUT YM NI YLBMUR A TOG I!! EMMIG EMMIG EMMIG!! EIP ODUREG TEEWS!! EM EIP!! YLBMUT YM NI YLBMUR A TOG I!! EMMIG EMMIG EMMIG!! EIP ODUREG TEEWS!!"

As their chants conflicted, Zelda's anger took a terrifying turn. She went silent and shut her eyes tightly. After a minute had passed, random objects started to rise from their places in the house and spin above their heads. Ignoring them, Link and the twins continued to chant and urge some rice into Zelda's mouth...that is, until she mentally got a hold of Link's sword, which swung at them with a deadly accuracy.

"Link, you poser!" Sara stamped her foot. "You said you got rid of all the dangerous objects in the room!"

"Crapcakes, I totally forgot about it! I had to use it to get her out of that stupid sack you loaned me," Link tried to explain as he jumped around the room, chasing his own weapon.

"Well, like we tried to tell you, there's a trick to it," Lara gestured frantically.

Eventually, Link caught the sword and shoved it under a leg of the table. "Screw tricks. Let's get this pie out of her before it's too late." With those words of determination, Link grabbed another spoonful of rice and violently poked at Zelda's mouth with it. "Come on, dammit. Can't you see it's for your own good?!"

Zelda let out a demonic bark, making Link jump back with fear. The moment he was far enough from her, her chair shook

as if possessed by an earthquake, and slowly rose from the floor. She hovered above the room, six feet into the air, roaring with wicked laughter.

"Fuck! That does it. I can't take this anymore." Link leapt to his feet. He scooped up a hefty amount of the rice, aimed steadily, and flung it into Zelda's face--it missed her open mouth by only a few inches. She shook her head to get rid of it, and barked at Link. He took his cue again, and flung another spoonful. This time, it hit its target. "Ugh!" she barked again. "This stuff tastes awful. Your crappy cooking is nothing compared to my Lord's delicacy, boy."

"Don't listen to her, Link," Sara whispered. "You're doing great!"

He chuckled. "Well, I didn't with the archery contest for nothing, you know."

After a few more tries, he managed to aim three more helpings into Zelda's mouth. Her roaring died down to a moaning, which reduced to a soft whimpering. In time, her chair floated back down to the floor. Link, Lara, and Sara congratulated her, and spoke gently and softly to calm her: "There, that's wasn't so bad, now was it? Now, eat your rice, that's a good girl...the power of rice compels you..." Link fed her slowly, and Zelda continued to swallow the food. "Phew, looks like everything is going to be okay," Lara sighed with relief.

"Uh-oh," Link piped up. "Something's wrong."

They watched Zelda curiously. Something was definitely wrong. She wasn't swallowing the last spoonful her gave her; her face was contorting badly, she was groaning in pain. Their eyes widened as they stood quietly. Then, it hit Sara. "Oh, shit. She's gonna--" Without finishing her sentence, she ran back to the table, grabbed a bucket, and slammed it before Zelda's feet just in time to catch several quarts of her vomit.

"Ew! Eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!" Link and Lara cried at the sight. But the worst wasn't over. As soon as she recovered, Zelda kicked her chair in anger. "You made me sick! I don't believe this! All that pie...all that wasted money...you big-eyed forest FREAKS!!" Her chair levitated above the again.

Sara groaned. With a reluctant frown, she returned to the stove and put another pot of rice on the stove. "This is going to be a long night..."



The horrid process was repeated ad nauseum (literally and figuratively). By morning, the Princess of Hyrule was fast asleep from exhaustion. Her hair was almost back to its original blonde hue. Link, Lara and Sara slumped into their chairs, equally tired, dabbing themselves with the towels. "Thank you, twins," Link yawned softly. "Who knows where we'd be without you?"

"Think nothing of it," Sara waved a hand. "All in a day's work."

"We were glad to be of service," Lara stretched and cracked her neck a few times. "Zelda was certainly a tough case. Let's

just hope no one else is suffering at such an extreme. It would be impossible to exorcise all of Hyrule!"

Suddenly, Zelda stirred from her sleep. "Link?" she groaned. "Ooh...ergh...where am I?"

Link crossed the room and sat beside her on the bed. "Don't worry, you're safe now. Everything's going to be okay."

"Ugh, I feel awful," she tried to sit up, but couldn't. "I can't remember anything...except...Link, did I attack you? Oh, oh no. I've done something terrible, haven't I?"

"No, not yet. But if it wasn't for the twins, who knows? Damn Ganon and his fiendish ways. He'll pay dearly for this."

"But how, Link? How do we stop him? We have nothing against him."

"Yes, we do. Gerudo testimony, trust me. Come on, let's go." Without another thought, he grabbed Zelda's hand and started pulling her to the door. "Oh, by the way," he stopped shortly. "Where did you two learn all that demon-casting stuff?"

Lara and Sara exchanged glances, and said on cue: "Learn?"