[Scene 14]





A week passed. With it, the storm passed as well; however, the Lon Lon games did not begin. At least, not right away. Instead, there was a bigger event on everyone's minds and tongues: Ganon had been arrested the morning after Zelda was cured, and that day was ordained as his trial. Because he was detained in the castle dungeons, all sales of Sweet Gerudo Pie had been cancelled. Hyrule was bone dry, and all cases of 'Gerudoism' came to a screeching halt.

A court was assembled that very morning: in the judicial hall of Hyrule Castle, the king sat at the head of the court as judge, and a small handful of Gorons and Zoras sat together in the jury box (there were no Hylians sitting as jurors, because the Gorons and Zoras didn't receive as much pie shipment as the Hylians, the majority of whom suffered Gerudoism). Link and Zelda sat together in front of the audience that had gathered to witness the trial. Ganon, the only one who didn't seem at all excited, was slumped against the bars of a tiny metal cage just beside the head of the court.

When it seemed as if everyone would be sitting forever, the king of Hyrule entered the room. "All rise!" boomed Impa's voice as he approached his seat. When everyone sat down again, the king put on a tiny pair of glasses and cleared his throat. "The court is now in session, the honourable...er, me, presiding in the case of the Citizens of Hyrule vs. Ganondorf Dragmire, King of the Gerudo Thieves--" he paused to let some members of the audience stop laughing at Ganon's last name. "Yes, it's all fun and games until he blasts you into a million pieces, can we continue please? I'm missing my nap time because of this. Anyhoo, we are here today to try him for..." he hesitated again, looking down at Princess Zelda. "Why are we here, honey?"

In a very serious demeanor, Zelda stepped forward and turned to the audience. "I'll handle it from here, Daddy. Good citizens of Hyrule! We are here today to end the injustice and corruption of the accused: Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo Thieves--" she gestured with a grand flourish (and waited for a few people to stop laughing at Ganon's first name), "stands on 4892 counts of poison trafficking...and four counts of murder!!!"

The crowd burst into a frenzy of chatter. Murder? It was going to be better than they expected!

The court settled, and the trial commenced, with the first witnesses being called to the stand. As they took their places (Honey sat on Darling's lap), Impa stated: "Darling and Honey, arrested ten nights ago on charges of vandalism, mischief, and inciting a riot." Everyone oohed, aahed, and whispered to one another.

"Darling, Honey, whichever's which," Zelda said as she walked steadily toward the stand. "Could you kindly explain to the court your actions on the night in question, and the events which transpired?"

Darling and Honey exchanged puzzled glances until Zelda sighed and finally asked, "what did you guys do?" and they were able to respond (the following testimony has been paraphrased):

"We were hanging around one night when we passed a Zora holding this really wonderful-smelling box. He told us he bought it from this cool, new food vendor. When we saw it was Ganon, naturally we were apprehensive, but he seemed so warm and friendly...hardly the Ganon we'd heard so much about. He was so nice, he offered us a free sample each, and we were instantly hooked. After scrounging around for several hours, we gathered enough money to buy 17 pies...for each of us! They were gone within the hour. Next thing we knew, we were raiding our closets for the coolest black outfits we could find. Not sure why, though...they just seemed to suit our new red hair so well. But when we hit the streets again, Ganon was gone. There was nothing to do. It was soooo boring! Suddenly, Honey [the woman] got so frustrated, she ran into the house, grabbed a sledgehammer, and just started smashing up the streets! Then Darling [the man] got the urge to start chucking pavement into the stores! When all the other villagers ran out of their houses, we saw that they all had red hair and black clothes too, and it was, like, wow! A Gerudo costume party! Then the guards showed up and arrested us all, but we took most of the wrap for starting the whole thing. The Gerudo feeling was completely gone by the next day."

The jurors conversed with one another quickly after Darling and Honey were placed back in custody. Similarly, the audience members chatted amongst themselves. This was definitely getting interesting.

"The court now calls..." Impa struggled to read the names, and gave up. "Five old ladies to the stand! They know who they are." People here and there gasped as the little old women were brought to the stand, and they fought over who would get to sit down. After Impa broke up the fight, Zelda repeated the same question, to which the old ladies answered:

"We bot 45 pies that fateful noit, the noit befo' last."

"Bought 45 pies each, we did."

"And I had to pay for all them wenches, I had to."

"Dargh, shut up! I'm the foist ole lady, I do da talkin'! So thar we be, sittin' and eatin' when my glass eye falls upon the perfect specimen of the Hylian man!"

"Her brain waves crash a little short of the beach, but she was right. A young castle guard was standing nearby...cutest young thing you ever did see."

"Nice, ripe young buttocks, he had."

"Dargh, that's my man ye be talking trash about! Anyways, we chased him down all that night, we's did. Lost 'im for a good few hours, 'till I spots him being sassed by that riley young Kok-ee-ree kid!" The first old lady aimed her cane at Link. "Smarmy little bast-arrrd, ruinin' our chances as he did! But he's a ripe cute one, though. By thunder, he'll grow to be a perfect specimen of the Hylian man..." Once the old ladies realized what the first had said, they fought, bit, and clawed at each other to get to Link's table, but were dragged off just in time. As they were being restrained, Impa read from a report sheet. "The young castle guard in question was requested to attend the trial; however, he is still recovering at Kakariko hospital from fatigue and emotional trauma. He is successfully suing the five old ladies on charges of assault, battery, and excessive butt-pinching."

Zelda's next witness was none other than...Zelda herself. It was at this point that Link would serve as prosecuting attorney. The crowd murmured as the questioning began. "All right, honey lamb," the king smiled at his daughter. "Tell us about the events which transpired yesterday--"

"Daddy!" she scolded. "Link is supposed to be asking the questions. You just sit and bang the gavel every once in a while, okay?"

"Sure, I'll play along. Go ahead, Link."

Link nodded respectfully. "Thank you, Your Highness." He then turned to Zelda. "Will you please tell the court what transpired yesterday, honey lamb?"

"Why, certainly. I spent most of the morning, sitting on my throne--no, not that one--thinking about things. At first, I concentrated more on what would happen with the Lon Lon games, but I kept getting distracted by the noise Ganon's pie stand was attracting. It seemed he had started playing music to attract customers, and if that wasn't enough, there was that delicious smell..."

Link walked over to a covered table just within reach of the jurors. Pulling off the blanket, he revealed a full dish of Sweet Gerudo Pie, possibly the last in the whole country. "I present to the court: Exhibit A. Although there is no point in calling it 'A,' because it's the only thing on the table, Princess Zelda, do you recognize Exhibit A?"

She nodded tearfully. "Yes. It's Sweet Gerudo Pie."

"Good girl. You bought some of these yesterday, didn't you?" She nodded again. "Can you tell the court how many you purchased?" She shook her head with each number. "17? More than 17? 45? No, a lot more than 45? More than 50? More than 100? Okay, Zelda, this is getting scary, how many did you buy?

Zelda burst into tears. "198!"

Everyone's jaw practically hit the floor. Damn, that must have been good eatin'! "I'm sorry, Link. I couldn't help it. I told myself I would just try one...just one...but every time I finished one pie, I would crave another. And another. And another. And it was easy to buy more, because once I bought the whole cart, I just started buying pies off people in the street--and no one refused me, because I'm rich! I can't help being rich! It's not a crime! It's not a crime!" She continued sobbing until Impa handed her her royal hanky.

Link ran to the witness stand to comfort her. "Zelda, hon, why did you do it in the first place? Out of everyone in Hyrule, I never guessed you would..."

Zelda raised her head; not to look into Link's eyes, unfortunately. "But look at it, so flaky and tender." In seconds, she had crossed the room to kneel in front of the pie on the table. "Do you smell that? Sniff the air...mmm, you can smell the tender meat, those juicy berries, the crunchy, mouth-watering nuts and seeds..." she stopped mid-sentence to pick up the pie. She placed it against her ear as if it was whispering to her. "What's that? You want me to eat you? But I can't. I--I'm in the middle of a trial!"

"All right, Zelda, get back here. You're scaring the locals." Impa strutted over and carried her back to the witness stand, where Zelda recounted her struggle with Link and the whole exorcism incident. By the end, the crowd was sobbing...in disgust.

At long last, Zelda recovered, leaving Impa to call the final witness: "Ganondorf Dragmire." The crowd leapt from their seats, cheering on the greatest chef and idealist in Hyrule's time. When they noticed Link and Zelda giving them the glaring of a lifetime, they sat back down. A few people let out a few quiet boos to try and convince them, but it was pointless. Ganon was released from his cage, and he took to the stand, ready for questioning.

"Mr. Dragmire," Zelda spoke coldly. "We're all waiting to hear the story."

Ganon sighed, searching the ceiling for insight. "Well, I guess it all started when the annual Lon Lon games got rained out. It was set for a midsummer afternoon--"

"That's all right, Ganon. Just get to the parts we don't know."

And so he retold his tale, from beginning to end, leaving out the parts we don't know (just as we would expect, the fiend!). "But tell us, Ganon. Judging by Link's testimony, you seem to be leaving out the best parts. What did happen to Nabooru, Jadooru, and the guards at the gate?"

He shrugged with conceit. "Maybe they went out to chase a nice, young castle guard."

The crowd laughed until they were glared at once more. "Very well, if that's your opinion. But doesn't it strike you as odd that just as each one disappeared, you created more pies for distribution?"

"Um...uh..." he was caught off guard. Everyone knew it. Yes, it did strike them as odd. "Think about it, ladies and gentlemen," Zelda faced them. "The first day Ganon created this pie, Nabooru walks in on him in HER kitchen, in HER apron, and she is never seen again. Then , a concerned Gerudo officer inquires about her whereabouts, and she too disappears. And, as this documented sheet of sales clearly states, Jadooru went missing the day Kakariko Village received a fresh shipment. And the day after that, the shipments to each town doubled--the day two more guards are seemingly whisked off into nothingness. People, this is no coincidence. This can only imply that Sweet Gerudo Pie is made exactly from what the name hints." When it became clear that no one in the room understood what she meant, she threw up her arms dramatically. "Dammit, people! Sweet Gerudo Pie is made from Sweet Gerudos!!!"

Right on cue, everyone in the room began to scream. They were eating those poor Gerudo women the whole time! Many cried, many shrieked, some scratched themselves as if they felt dirty all over. Yes, of course, a whole lot of people left the room to vomit in the royal washrooms.

"No, wait!" Ganon tried to explain. "That's not true!"

"Silence, slime." Zelda sneered at him. "What else could these people assume? The missing women, your secret ingredient. It all fits."

"Nuh-uh."

"Then you'll tell us what the ingredient is that drives people to look, think, and act like Gerudos?"

"Nope."

"So you ARE guilty!"

Ganon shook his head, refusing to reason. "No way. I'm not guilty of a damn thing."

The king yawned. "As exciting as this all is, I'm ready for my nap. Therefore, by my judgement upon the fact that Ganon is accused of murdering his fellow Gerudos, chopping them up into pieces and using them as the base of his pie, and the fact that these Gerudos have completely disappeared off the face of the earth and haven't been seen since, I find Ganondorf Dragmire, the King of the Gerudo Thieves..."



"Stop!"



The doors had burst open to reveal...Nabooru! Her hair and clothes were filthy, there were bags under her eyes big enough to carry groceries in, and she did not look her happy, perky self, but there she stood, alive and disheveled. As she stormed into the courtroom, she was followed by Jadooru and the missing Gerudo guards. They all appeared to have spent sleepless nights in a ditch.

"Eep!" squeaked Ganon. "Nabooru! Jadooru! And...the rest! What--?"

"Shaddap!" Nabooru yelled into his face, and faced the King. "Greetings, your Highness. You must forgive our intrusion and our appearance, but it is important that you hear us out. As much as Ganon is a bastard and a total loser, you must not sentence him! If you'll just hear our testimony..."

"Why not? I've got nothing better to do."

And so, Nabooru turned to the court and told her story:

"I guess it all started when the Lon Lon games got--"

"Forget it, toots," Ganon interrupted. "They know all that stuff."

"Stick a sock in it, Suzie Homemaker. All right, let me start again. It all started when SOMEONE threw an expensive chocolate cake at me. There's nothing more disgusting than having chocolate goo in your hair and clothes, let me tell you. So I decided to take a hot bath and a nice long stroll, maybe do some shopping along the way. After getting all that aggression out, I returned home, and what do I find?" She pointed an accusing finger at Ganon. "Him, trashing up my kitchen, wearing my apron (the court had a good laugh at that one), using up our facial ingredients. I gave him what for until I noticed a bad smell coming from the oven, so I decided to go over and have a look. I figured the poor sap forgot to clear out some dead animals that might be hidden in there before turning it on, but when I opened the door, all I saw was a sorry excuse for a pie sitting there. It's sad, but I found it kinda...you know, decent. It was like, he was really trying to do something productive for a change. However, I didn't get a chance to complement him, because the next thing I know, SOMEONE is grabbing my ass and stuffing me into the oven!"

The crowd went nuts. [Attempted] murder and sexual harassment? This was getting better and better!

"Order, order," the King banged his gavel. "But General Nabooru; why weren't you killed when you were shoved into the oven?"

"Because the oven wasn't even on. He completely forgot. That smell turned out to be pie itself. I got a good whiff of the stench while I was kicking my way out of that tiny oven. Ganon tried to keep the door shut, but with my naturally strong legs, I escaped and gave him a good verbal thrashing. I let him turn his back on me for two seconds--that was enough time for him to pick up his wooden spoon and smash me in the face. Knocked me unconscious, it did. I woke up in his stinky little jail cell some hours later with a swollen nose. No one brought me any food or water, so I had no way of telling how long I'd been in there. But a long time passed before I woke up to the sound of the door opening; someone had been thrown in with me."

"Really? Who?"

Jadooru stepped forward. "That would be myself, Your Highness. I was imprisoned for questioning Nabooru's whereabouts. When I went to ask him, he intimidated me until I broke out into a sweat, then offered to take my temperature with a thermometer." She paused for effect. "A MEAT thermometer! (The crowd went crazy again, but the king managed to calm them down) Took a good ten minutes of struggling with him before he gave up on it. I'm not quite sure what he was trying to do, sticking that grease-coated thing into my mouth, but eventually, he resorted to picking up his wooden spoon and smashing me in the face. Like Nabooru, I was knocked out cold; hours later, I awoke beside her. She explained her story to me, but as hard as we tried, we couldn't get out of that cell. We were locked in tight. Hopeless and alone, we gave up and fell asleep. I don't know how long we were in there before we awoke to the door opening and heard two more bodies being thrown into the cell."

The king gestured to the Gerudo guards with his gavel. "Ah, yes. I assume you were the ones joining them?" They nodded solemnly.

"That's them!" Link jumped from his chair. "Your Highness, the guards I was talking about! They were the ones Ganon was talking to the day Zelda turned evil. Help in the kitchen, huh?"

Ganon cut his eyes at him as the guards continued. "Yes, what the Hero of Time says is true. The great Ganon approached us, just as we were discussing the plight of our fellow soldiers. We agreed it was an awful coincidence that, as each commanding leader disappeared, another shipment of pie was sent away. At that moment, he requested we assist him in that dreadful kitchen. We tried to weasel our way out of it, but he threatened us with..." they hung their heads in shame.

"What was it?" the king asked, inching towards the edge of his seat. "Answer!"

"No, it's too embarrassing to mention," one of the guards cried.

"We have to," the other guard sighed deeply. "At the time, we thought it to be some kind of magical machinery, capable of blowing us to smithereens if we didn't obey. It was only when he threw us in the dungeon that we managed to catch a glimpse of a pair of...salad tongs."

The crowd burst out laughing. "Salad tongs?!" Even the king couldn't help but laugh.

Ganon stood up and shrugged to the crowd. "Hey, what are you laughing at? Those little buggers gave me a good bite when I wasn't watching where I stuck my hand in that drawer. And it scared them good enough, didn't it?" Pleased by the humour of the situation, the crowd laughed again and cheered, until the king called for order.

"Ganon," he snapped. "Sit your ass down. They have more to say."

Nabooru picked up the story. "So there we were, the four of us, rotting away in that dark little cell for who knows how long. We grew so bored, we devised a way to pass the time and maintain our sanity: one of us would remove a button from our clothes, or an earring, toss it into the air, and listen to where it landed. Then we would race to find the object. First one to it was the winner. We made a game of it. Seeing how many times we could find the object in a short time, then trying to break that record. Sometimes, we would hear other Gerudos outside, looking for us in the nighttime. Just found out on the way here that a few of them hired the Poe salesman to help look for us..."(Misty waves filled the courtroom as everyone is taken to Nabooru's flashback, in which a Gerudo took a few soldiers-in-training out late at night to search the fortress grounds:)

Gerudo soldier A: Find anything this time, girls?

Soldier-in-training: Uh, no sign of them, Chief.

Gerudo soldier: Mr. Poe?

Mr. Poe, rubbing his temples: I see nothing here, but I'm afraid it's splitsville for Malon and Hyrule's Captain-of-the-Guards.

Gerudo soldier: But they seem so happy!

"We were screaming at the top of our lungs, but no one heard us. It was then that we realized if we were going to get out of there, it was up to just the four of us. So we took turns picking at the screws with our jewellery and bobby pins and kicking the door until BAM! We escaped and ran straight here to arrest Ganon's sorry ass. Obviously, you already have, and for that, you will forever be part of the Gerudo gang. Now that Ganon has been detained, I'm in charge, and as my first duty, we're going back to the Valley to carry out his sentence; as tradition goes, he must be boiled in baby oil until he apologizes or dies, whichever comes first. Oh, speaking of being part of our gang--Jadooru made you this honorary button." Nabooru ran up to the bench and tossed it in front of the king.

"Wicked, thanks!" he pinned it on right away. "Wait a minute. When did you find the time to make me a button?"

"That's not important!" Jadooru yelled. "What's important is that Ganon must be punished for his crimes."

"Well, that all depends. You can't execute him for murder, because he didn't kill anybody. You proved that by walking into the courtroom. Hey, there's no need to make faces. However, there is still the matter of this secret ingredient. This is the only way to prove your innocence, Ganon. You must state the secret ingredient of your recipe."

Ganon shook his head like a stubborn child. "No. I'm not telling."

"Then I'll have to assume you're innocent. Therefore, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce--oops, my bad. Jury, what say you?"

The forerunning juror, a tall skinny Zora, rose from her seat. "Your Honor, we find the defendant not guilty."

"YYYYYYYESSS!!!!!" Ganon was so happy, he jumped from his chair, ran over to the evidence table, grabbed the pie and spiked it football-style onto the floor. He then proceeded to do The Typewriter in front of everyone. (1)

"However..."

Ganon stopped dancing. "Wha? However?"

The Zora continued. "However, we find the accused witnesses, Darling, Honey, and the five old ladies, guilty of all their charges. Oh, yeah, we almost forgot. Ganon, you have to pay back all your customers for the pie they bought, and Zelda, you owe a Lara and Sara Kokiri 399 Rupees for...what does this subpoena say? An ex-or-cism?"

"Shite," Ganon kicked over the pie plate. "Aw, that's all right, that still leaves me...let's see, divide by 2, carry the one, rationalize the denominator plus pi...about five million Rupees in profit!"

The king yawned. "Whatever. Now that all this is over, I've still got some time to catch a nap before we have to get ready for the Lon Lon games again. Case dismissed!"

Before he could make another move, Zelda ran up to the bench. "Daddy--I mean, Your Honor? Uh, do I still get paid?"

"Oh please, dear. No one was going to pay you to begin with. Case dismissed!" The gavel banged. The case was over! Everyone shook hands, made small chit chat, and piled their way out the door. Everyone...except Link.

Link pushed his way through the mob of exiting jurors until he stood directly behind Ganon, who was still dancing as though no one was paying attention to him. He glared up at him for a silent moment, then shouted to get him to turn around. "Hey. I don't care how badly this trial turned out. The wrong people were punished, and you got your handfuls of money, but I don't care. I'm STILL onto you."

Ganon sighed. "Young man," he began, lowering himself to look Link in the eye. "You are so sure you understand me, but I really don't understand you. Why are you so certain something I created that brought people together is so evil? Do you mean to tell me that you didn't learn anything new from any of this?"

"Well...I guess I did learn quite a bit. In fact, everyone did. You learned that a good deed once in a while can go a long way. I learned that there is good in everyone. Zelda learned that giving in to her curiosity once in a while doesn't hurt, but overindulgence can be dangerous. And many citizens of Hyrule learned that it's okay to trust people--especially when no one gives those people a decent chance to prove they've changed for the better."

The sappy background music stopped. "Yeah, I suppose those are all good points."

"But wait!" Link suddenly remembered something. "Tell me something, Ganon. If it wasn't Gerudo meat that made everyone go crazy, then what was it?"

Ganon thought for a minute. "Nah, you wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Aw, come on! Please?"

"All right, sure. Personally, I believe it was the exoticism and mystery that is Gerudo. It's like when you eat Mexican food, and you feel as if you're south of the border. Don't ask me what Mexican is, I don't know, I'm just saying what the author tells me. But anyways, once the idea is implanted in your head, you believe it. This pie gave everyone sort of a subliminal message, you could say. People ate it and, thinking of the name, they believed themselves to be Gerudos, and of course, most Hylians assume we're nothing but petty, violent, hot-tempered hooligans."

The sappy background music stopped again. "Then how do you explain Zelda's demonic persona deal?"

"She possesses the power of magic, and she's entering puberty. What do you expect?"

Link wrinkled his nose. "What on earth is puberty?"

Ganon shrugged. "I don't know, either. So, does that answer your question? Because if so, I have a kitchen to return to."

As Ganon turned to leave, Link stopped him. "Wait a minute, you moron! You still haven't told me what your stupid secret ingredient is!"

"You really want to know? All right then, follow me..." Ganon let out a fiendish laugh...

Holy rusted metal, Link! Don't do it! He's evil! What sordid plans could Ganondorf Dragmire (ha ha!) have for our poor Hero of Time? Tune in next week: same Gerudo time, same Gerudo channel.



Or, you could just go on to the next chapter. It's up to you.

1. For those of you who don't remember, The Typewriter is one of M.C. Hammer's patented dance moves. Just think hard, you'll remember it.