He was lost within himself. Trapped. Lonely. Yearning for her, his radiating jewel, Hermione. He had so carelessly tossed her aside; not realizing that he needed her like a dying flower needs the sun's healthy light. For he was dying, mentally and emotionally. Without her, where was he? Everything washed together, time, events, people…Nothing mattered to him anymore but her. It was all about her. Sitting on his bed, rocking back and forth, he pictured her. Laughing, her eyes sparkling so joyously. She danced, whirling and spinning than held out her hand for his. He took it and they waltzed and serenaded. How fickle his daydreaming was! She would never take him back. How could she, after what he had done to her? He cried miserably, holding himself pitifully.
Everybody's got something
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
That just seems to grow with time
How he wished he could take those cruel words back! Every fiber in his body loved her, and he had shown her the exact opposite that night. The night when Harry and Hermione had officially became two beings, two different people once again. He had missed his cue, thrown away his chance at being the luckiest guy alive. Hermione was a prize, that was true, as well as many other things. He remembered the day when the two of them, led by Hermione, had searched the Hogwarts grounds until they found a strawberry patch. She had laughed, and picked them, feeding some to Harry and saving some for later. He discreetly placed one in his pocket, and it was still there. A painful, wrenching memory…
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
All this I know but still I can't find ways
To let you go
The strawberry sat in his outstretched palm, now shriveled, only a trace of the plump, rich fruit it had once been. She touched this, he thought. Right before he had tucked it away, she plucked it from the ground and gave it to Harry, giggling. He wasn't sure if he could ever go back to that patch of strawberries. It would bring back too much and he would be overcome by thoughts of her. Her, Hermione, his loved one, even if she didn't know it. For over all this time, of being separate, he hadn't let her go. Everything in his body screamed at him to get her back, and he wanted to. More than anything. Alas, it was impossible. She could never take back Harry. He wasn't good enough, wasn't pure enough, to be loved by Hermione, in his eyes she was the picture of perfection and beauty, always.
I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
Harry's mind, of it's own accord, drifted to another memory, one that made him ache even more. It was a dark, damp day that all students were confined in the castle. Rain pelted the windows and the mood was gloomy and depressed all around. All save for Hermione. She had taken Harry's hand as soon as she noticed the rain and led him out into the storm. They stood in the midst of lightning and thunder, and she pulled him close and kissed him. Harry forgot about the water soaking him to the bone and the electricity threatening to kill them both. Hermione was near, that was the only thing he cared about, and if they ever went inside, back into the safe, cozy castle, life would suddenly spring back into place and reality would set its ugly hands upon Harry as before.
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
The kiss did eventually have to end, but Harry's joy did not. Hermione laughed as she pulled the two of them into the top branches of a large tree nearby. The leaves and branches made a canopy above them, protecting them. Harry held her close as the storm raged, and she fell asleep in his arms. Looking down at her, his eyes filled with tears. They were so close, so into one another. How lucky he had been to have her, just for that short interval! The duration in which they had been that way, Harry thought, would haunt him forever. No girl would come close to Hermione, he was positive. She was in her own league, above all the rest. Harry knew he had to get her back. He would do anything for her, just to have her. Not that he would ever possess her, no one ever could.
Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And tomorrow can never be
Because yesterday is all that fills my mind
Yet another incident came to Harry. Hogwarts had hosted it's first ever Valentine's Dance, and they had gone together. The first slow song was pure magic. Harry and Hermione contemplated each other. As they moved, slowly, drifting about the room, they seemed to be in their own world. Encased by magic fog and fairy dust, none could see the pair of them and the only things they could see, wanted to see, ever wanted to see, was each other. He had studied her face, in hopes that he could imprint the image of her in his mind forever. Her huge, laughing sapphire eyes and ochre hair. The tiny nose that perked up so slightly and the full smile. Her skin, rosy and pale at the same time, her high cheekbones and long eyelashes that batted in that sweet, flirtatious way of hers.
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it should be now or might have been
All this I know but still I can't find ways
To let you go
The very next moments during that song-which one had it been? –they kissed. A monumental kiss, as it was their first one. Harry thought of the day he had gathered up the courage to ask her to that very dance. Shying like a frightened animal, he had approached her. Wringing his sweaty hands and pushing defiant strands of hair away from his eyes, he spoke. "Will, you, ah, um, er, if you want to, I completely understand if you don't, ah, um, that is to say, er, ah, go to the dance with me?" She had flashed him that 100-watt grin, dazzling him. He took that as a yes when she embraced him. How flawless life had been than! He had had Hermione, if you could put it that way, and nothing else mattered to him. Hermione was his thoughts, his dreams, and his very life.
I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
And than there had been a time, not long ago, in the Gryffindor Common Room. It was an ordinary night; that is, ordinary for Hogwarts. Fred and George were setting off Filibuster Fireworks in paper bags, Neville was trying (fruitlessly) to learn a Sleeping Hex for Defense Against The Dark Arts, Lavender and Parvati were gossiping endlessly, and Hermione and Harry were curled up on an armchair in front of the roaring fire. She had fallen asleep, lying in his arms. The flames flickered and the light they produced danced eerily over everyone's faces-except for hers. She was still blissfully innocent and peaceful, the firelight, if anything, only enhanced the mystery she carried with her. Harry wasn't uncomfortable having Hermione on top of him, in fact it just made him happy.
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
They had stayed in that armchair, all lumpy and smelling of cats (the armchair, not Hermione and Harry!) for several hours. Harry felt bliss, true bliss, to be near her. He became ecstatic. Hermione didn't stir. Around midnight, he picked her up, carried her to her bed and gently tucked her in, giving her a quick kiss on the nose before retiring himself. Harry shook his head fiercely, as if to block out the thoughts filtering into his mind. Thoughts of Hermione, of the time they had spent as one…It was all too much. How was he to be expected to live without her? It was like trying to run without legs, fly without wings. Impossible. Hermione had claimed a part of his heart he had never allowed anyone to even touch before. A wounded, beaten and bruised part from the pains of his childhood. She had healed him, no doubt about that. But he wasn't done hurting.
You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will
You know you will, oh baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget.
Though Harry tried desperately not to let this image float before his eyes, it came, ripping at him. Slicing his heart in two just as easily as a pair of scissors would a piece of parchment. Harry was lying on a couch in the Gryffindor Common Room, by himself. He was just lazing, nothing more, when a sixth year walked cautiously toward him. He made no note of her, she was probably just passing through, so he closed his eyes and thought of Hermione. The way her lips felt on his, the magic they created, the heat of her body and the loveliness of her features-when someone's lips were on his! Not Hermiones'-he could tell that right away-some other girls'. Harry jerked back immediately; hoping no one had seen the kiss. His hopes were dashed as he saw Hermione run from the room…
It's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try
I just can't say goodbye, no, no, no, no
Her face had been tear streaked, Harry was able to see that from the small glimpse he had had. He cursed the girl who had finished Hermione off for him, and knew it did no good since he didn't even see her, his eyes had been shut the whole time. Poor Hermione! He hadn't meant to hurt her, he would rather die. Of course, from that moment on, their relationship was over. There was no more 'us' just 'you' and 'I'. How Harry missed the 'us'! Hermione was Harry's other half, maybe his other three-quarters or maybe she was he, he was just no longer she. His whole body ached when he thought about her. He was tortured by the fact that she didn't love him anymore. He had killed something that wasn't meant to be killed, but was anyway. The deep bond of true love.
I never had a dream come true
'Til the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
"Hermione." He whispered the word, savoring it, letting it fall off his tongue with the cat-like grace she, and only she, had. "Please take me back. Please…please…please…" His words became sobs as he curled into a ball and hurt. The purpose of life, he concluded, had diminished. Why live if Hermione wasn't right there, living alongside him? He didn't want her to be the enemy, she was an alias! Harry rolled over and over in agony, breaking into a cold sweat. He thrashed about, knowing it did no good but did it anyway. She didn't want him and he desired her above anything else. It wasn't fair. Love was supposed to have happy endings. Where was Harry's happy ending? Why couldn't he be Prince Charming and ride off into the sunset with Hermione on his white horse?
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be with you