Fourteen – Am I me?
Lina sighed. It was morning now. She'd managed to get a few hours of sleep in another room the Inn Keeper had been kind enough to let her and Zel stay in. Now she was sitting outside the busy town at a lake in the woods. The day was bright and cheerful as if to mock her mood. Warm winds of summer rushed through her tresses and kissed her damp face. Lina dried her eyes with a dirty white glove.
Everything that had happened seemed like a dream. Or a nightmare. Were her only friends really gone? 'First Amelia, then Raymia… and Gourry. Did I really kill them?' Lina's throat tightened as she fought back tears. 'How could I? Why?!' Lina's heart ached. Everything she had ever loved, except for Zel, was gone. Her friends were everything to her. Her only purpose for living. To be with them and go on journeys and pointless adventures. Without them… what was left for her now?
"Revenge." Lina answered her own question. Taking a deep breath, she stood. Perfect eyebrows creased and ruby orbs narrowed. This was it. She had become like the enemies she despised. But now she had nothing left. She would breath only for revenge. "Hell master. I will have my revenge." Lina's voice was shaky but her threats would be carried out and were nothing to take lightly. "Although you're a Dark Lord, I will not give up until you or I are dead."
Lina felt someone's eyes on her. She turned suddenly, aiming a fireball and not hesitating to launch it. Zelgadiss squeaked and dodged it. "Won't you at least look to see who is it?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
Lina blinked and sweatdropped. "Oops. Sorry, Zel."
He dusted off his tunic. "Anyway. What are you doing to do now?"
Lina frowned. "What do you think I'm going to do?! But first, I'm going to find Xelloss!" She hissed.
"I don't think he's going to show up anytime soon."
"Why?" Lina challenged, walking up to him.
Zel sighed. "I talked to him earlier. He said if you wanted to find the Hell master, to head to Saairag."
"Saairag?! But Saairag was destroyed when Rezo--"
Zel shook his head slowly. "It's been regenerated."
"By the Hell master?"
Zel nodded. Then started walking back towards the town. "Hey! Wait! Where're you going?" Lina ran to catch up with him.
He looked at her with an expression that made him almost look amused. "Saairag is this way."
"Oh." Lina's expression went rather bland.
The two made their way through town, stopping only once for lunch. Saairag was still at least a day away. It was getting dark by the time they reached the forest. They both knew they needed a good night's sleep. L-sama knows how long it's been since they'd had one of those.
Zel built a fire and Lina caught fish in a nearby stream for dinner. The two had eaten heartily after their long day's journey. Now they had relaxed against tree trunks, waiting for the food to settle before turning in. Although Lina had a lot to say, she didn't talk much that day. Zel could guess why. Too much was on her mind. Too many questions and maybe even answers that she just needed to sort out on her own. He had his own problems and objectives to worry about as well. Zel was lost in thought when Lina suddenly spoke.
"Zel? Do you love Amelia?"
Zel's one visible eye widened. "...Why're you asking me that?!" He panicked as his face flushed.
"Because I want to know." Her voice remained calm.
Zelgadiss sat up so he could look at her. But Lina's lips weren't curved in the usual teasing smirk. She was serious. But why was she bringing this up? 'Like it matters now..' He thought glumly. Still... maybe Lina had a point. "..." He wasn't going to answer her question. It wasn't her business anyway.
Lina was getting frustrated and sat up to meet Zel's gaze. They stared at each other for a few moments. 'He's blushing.' Lina blinked, then smiled, satisfied.
"What're you smiling at?" Zel asked gruffly.
"You're blushing." Lina grinned.
Zel lifted a hand to his cheek. "I am not!" His defiance only made him turn a darker shade of red.
Lina giggled then burst into mocking laughter. "You are too! You're blushing!"
"Shut up! I am not!" Zel glared at her as she continued to laugh. "Why're you being so childish?" He huffed and crossed his arms. "No wonder Gourry always called you Little Girl." As Lina silenced, he realized what he'd said.
Lina's eyes were hidden by a shadow but her bottom lip was quivering. She couldn't hold back her tears. Not anymore. She'd cried more in the past two days than she had since before she'd left Luna.
"Wait. That's not what I meant." Zel didn't know what to say. He'd never seen Lina like this. He wasn't sure anyone had. "Lina-" He spoke her name as she stood suddenly. Zelgadiss blinked up at her. Fiery bangs covered her eyes but they couldn't hide the tear that trickled down her cheek. Zel felt a pang in his heart. "Lina. I'm sorry." Zel stood, maybe to try and comfort her. But a sob escaped from Lina's throat and she ran.
Running, blindly through the woods in the night. She didn't know where she was going. She didn't care. Tears flowing freely now, Lina sobbed into the darkness.
"Lina!" A voice called her name. She heard heavy foot steps coming towards her. "Lina! Come back!" It called again.
Her clouded head distorted the voice and she slowed. "Gourry?" Lina walked backwards, still afraid to face the voice from which she'd run. "Gourry!" She called out to him as the figure approached her. But Lina's vision was suddenly shattered as Zel's face appeared. Lina gasped and turned to run but his powerful grip kept her stationary. Lina's head whipped back towards him angrily. "Let me go!"
"No! You're not thinking clearly!" Zel struggled to keep her from running. She was strong. Was Phibrizo trying to possess her again?
"Let me go!" Lina shrieked. He noticed her pupils were dilated. Because of the Hell master or in fear. Either way, it wasn't good.
"Calm down!" Zel yelled at her, capturing her other wrist. She didn't stop struggling. "Lina, stop it! Someone will hear us!" Suddenly, he did the only thing he could. He smacked her.
Lina gasped and stumbled backwards. Zel kept a tight grip on her wrists. "Zel..." She was gasping for breath. "I... I'm sorry." Lina hung her head, no longer struggling.
Zel blinked. He didn't think humility was even in Lina's vocabulary. Still, he didn't let down his guard. She could still be possessed and just be tricking him.
"I just... lost it. I'm sorry." Lina said, still not looking back up at him.
"Lina?" He still wasn't sure. Zel released one of her wrists and lifted her chin with his free hand. He almost wished he hadn't. Lina looked up at him slowly. Twigs had left scratches on her face as she ran. Dirt and tears were smeared on her face. And her eyes. They pleaded to him. Called out for help. He'd never seen anyone looking so venerable and torn in his life. He felt like his heart was breaking all over again. "I'm so sorry, Lina." Zel's voice was filled with emotion. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, not even thinking of the consequences. But Lina didn't push him away or even fireball him. She laced her slender arms around him and held him tightly. Lina laved her head on Zel's shoulder, staring vacantly into the darkness.
After a few moments of silence, Zel thought of Amelia and pulled back gently. Lina lifted her head and looked at him. His hands hadn't left her arms. "Zel..." Lina whispered his name. Clouded blue eyes searched her face. It hurt him to look at her but he could not look away.
"Lina." Lina's eyes seemed to penetrate his soul. But this was not Lina. She was not the same somehow. Still, Lina didn't back away from him. He glanced at her side and the dagger was not present. Both of her hands were resting on his arms. "Lina, I-" Suddenly, Lina kissed him. Zel's eyes widened. He didn't love Lina. He knew that. But he kissed her back anyway. In the back of her mind, Lina knew it wasn't right but she didn't care. Lina closed her eyes as they kissed again. But an innocent face penetrated her thoughts and a pain pulsed through her chest. She broke the kiss. Zel stared at her and let her go as she backed away. Lina stared up at him with wide eyes.
"L-sama..." Lina whispered, sinking to the ground. "What have we done?"
Zel looked away from her. The guilt was overwhelming as images of Amelia's cheerful face flashed through his brain. Zel turned his back to her. He remained silent.
Lina looked up at Zel and stood slowly. "Zel, I'm sorry." Her throat tightened and she was near tears again. He still didn't face her. "Zel?" Lina took a step towards him, but stopped. Dead leaves crunched under his boots as he starting walking. Lina bit her lip.
"Let's go back to the camp." Zel's voice was emotionless once again. Lina didn't say anything, but followed him at a distance.
The fire had almost burned out by the time they returned. Zelgadiss got some firewood and relit it with a tiny fireball. Lina sat down against her tree trunk and sighed. Still standing, Zelgadiss glanced down at her and she shyly met his gaze. He looked away and sat down. They sat there silently for a few moments, avoiding each others gaze.
'It's my fault.' Lina blamed herself. 'How could I do that? Why did I do that?'
Zel frowned. 'Dammit, Zel. What were you thinking?' He scolded himself. 'That was Lina you were just kissing. Idiot!'
Lina lifted her head and glanced at Zel. Her expression was pained and confused. But when he lifted his head, his was the same.
"Lina.. I.. That wasn't.." Zel tried to find the words but he didn't know what he was trying to say anyway. She'd asked if he loved Amelia. He did. And he knew that she loved Gourry. So why did she kiss him like that?
Lina was feeling extremely guilty. This was extremely weird. And the only way she knew to fix that was to put the blame on someone else, i.e.: Zelgadiss. "You jerk!" Lina yelled suddenly.
"Nani?!" Zel blinked.
"How dare you take advantage of an innocent girl like that!" She stood, glaring down at him. Towering over him made her appear more formidable. She'd learned that from Amelia. It would've worked if Zel hadn't stood also and returned the angry glare.
"I didn't take advantage of you! And you're not innocent!" He retaliated forcefully. "I can't believe you're doing this, Lina! Why can't you ever take the blame for yourself?!"
"Because it's not my fault!" Lina clinched her fists at her sides.
Zel grunted and crossed his arms across his chest. "You're so childish." Then, like slow motion, an open palm connected with Zel's cheek. His eyes widened, then looked down at Lina. Of course it didn't hurt him, but he knew her hand must be throbbing. Lina gritted her teeth and narrowed teary eyes up at the chimera. Zel sighed. "Lina, we're not solving anything by getting mad at each other." Lina frowned and crossed her arms, waiting for him to continue. 'Figures she'd make me do all the work.' "Look, you just have to face up to your feelings. You can't hide them forever or you'll just be miserable." Zel paused. He hated this kind of talk. But even if he was a chimera on the outside, he still had a human heart on the inside. So he took a deep breath and continued. "I don't love you, Lina." He kept his eyes on her.
Lina blinked. Her arms were now wrapped tightly around her waist. She allowed her gaze to sink to the ground. Then she looked up at him suddenly, fiery bangs subsiding to reveal ruby orbs. "I don't love you either, Zel." Lina creased an eyebrow, looking kind of confused or just troubled. But she wasn't confused. She knew exactly why it had happened. Her eyes teared up again and she turned away from Zel. He remained silent.
"I miss Gourry." Lina said softly. Zel was almost surprised. But with all the other weird going-ons how could he be? "I know." He simply said.
"You miss Amelia, don't you?"
"...I do."
Lina turned around to face him, grinning. "That's the way, Zel! Admitting your feelings is the first step!"
"But Lina, you-!"
"Uh-uh! You can't take it back now." Lina winked and shook a finger.
Zel was about to protest but decided against. He allowed himself to smile at her cheerfulness. Even if it was false. He glanced up at the starry sky. The moon was already at it's peak. "It's late. We should get some rest."
Lina nodded, then walked back over to her tree trunk. She wrapped her black cape around her and snuggled up to the tree. Her back was to him.
Zel smiled and sat back down. "Oyasumi, Lina."
"Oyasumi, Zel-chan." Lina yawned and closed her eyes.
Lina sighed. It was morning now. She'd managed to get a few hours of sleep in another room the Inn Keeper had been kind enough to let her and Zel stay in. Now she was sitting outside the busy town at a lake in the woods. The day was bright and cheerful as if to mock her mood. Warm winds of summer rushed through her tresses and kissed her damp face. Lina dried her eyes with a dirty white glove.
Everything that had happened seemed like a dream. Or a nightmare. Were her only friends really gone? 'First Amelia, then Raymia… and Gourry. Did I really kill them?' Lina's throat tightened as she fought back tears. 'How could I? Why?!' Lina's heart ached. Everything she had ever loved, except for Zel, was gone. Her friends were everything to her. Her only purpose for living. To be with them and go on journeys and pointless adventures. Without them… what was left for her now?
"Revenge." Lina answered her own question. Taking a deep breath, she stood. Perfect eyebrows creased and ruby orbs narrowed. This was it. She had become like the enemies she despised. But now she had nothing left. She would breath only for revenge. "Hell master. I will have my revenge." Lina's voice was shaky but her threats would be carried out and were nothing to take lightly. "Although you're a Dark Lord, I will not give up until you or I are dead."
Lina felt someone's eyes on her. She turned suddenly, aiming a fireball and not hesitating to launch it. Zelgadiss squeaked and dodged it. "Won't you at least look to see who is it?" He asked, already knowing the answer.
Lina blinked and sweatdropped. "Oops. Sorry, Zel."
He dusted off his tunic. "Anyway. What are you doing to do now?"
Lina frowned. "What do you think I'm going to do?! But first, I'm going to find Xelloss!" She hissed.
"I don't think he's going to show up anytime soon."
"Why?" Lina challenged, walking up to him.
Zel sighed. "I talked to him earlier. He said if you wanted to find the Hell master, to head to Saairag."
"Saairag?! But Saairag was destroyed when Rezo--"
Zel shook his head slowly. "It's been regenerated."
"By the Hell master?"
Zel nodded. Then started walking back towards the town. "Hey! Wait! Where're you going?" Lina ran to catch up with him.
He looked at her with an expression that made him almost look amused. "Saairag is this way."
"Oh." Lina's expression went rather bland.
The two made their way through town, stopping only once for lunch. Saairag was still at least a day away. It was getting dark by the time they reached the forest. They both knew they needed a good night's sleep. L-sama knows how long it's been since they'd had one of those.
Zel built a fire and Lina caught fish in a nearby stream for dinner. The two had eaten heartily after their long day's journey. Now they had relaxed against tree trunks, waiting for the food to settle before turning in. Although Lina had a lot to say, she didn't talk much that day. Zel could guess why. Too much was on her mind. Too many questions and maybe even answers that she just needed to sort out on her own. He had his own problems and objectives to worry about as well. Zel was lost in thought when Lina suddenly spoke.
"Zel? Do you love Amelia?"
Zel's one visible eye widened. "...Why're you asking me that?!" He panicked as his face flushed.
"Because I want to know." Her voice remained calm.
Zelgadiss sat up so he could look at her. But Lina's lips weren't curved in the usual teasing smirk. She was serious. But why was she bringing this up? 'Like it matters now..' He thought glumly. Still... maybe Lina had a point. "..." He wasn't going to answer her question. It wasn't her business anyway.
Lina was getting frustrated and sat up to meet Zel's gaze. They stared at each other for a few moments. 'He's blushing.' Lina blinked, then smiled, satisfied.
"What're you smiling at?" Zel asked gruffly.
"You're blushing." Lina grinned.
Zel lifted a hand to his cheek. "I am not!" His defiance only made him turn a darker shade of red.
Lina giggled then burst into mocking laughter. "You are too! You're blushing!"
"Shut up! I am not!" Zel glared at her as she continued to laugh. "Why're you being so childish?" He huffed and crossed his arms. "No wonder Gourry always called you Little Girl." As Lina silenced, he realized what he'd said.
Lina's eyes were hidden by a shadow but her bottom lip was quivering. She couldn't hold back her tears. Not anymore. She'd cried more in the past two days than she had since before she'd left Luna.
"Wait. That's not what I meant." Zel didn't know what to say. He'd never seen Lina like this. He wasn't sure anyone had. "Lina-" He spoke her name as she stood suddenly. Zelgadiss blinked up at her. Fiery bangs covered her eyes but they couldn't hide the tear that trickled down her cheek. Zel felt a pang in his heart. "Lina. I'm sorry." Zel stood, maybe to try and comfort her. But a sob escaped from Lina's throat and she ran.
Running, blindly through the woods in the night. She didn't know where she was going. She didn't care. Tears flowing freely now, Lina sobbed into the darkness.
"Lina!" A voice called her name. She heard heavy foot steps coming towards her. "Lina! Come back!" It called again.
Her clouded head distorted the voice and she slowed. "Gourry?" Lina walked backwards, still afraid to face the voice from which she'd run. "Gourry!" She called out to him as the figure approached her. But Lina's vision was suddenly shattered as Zel's face appeared. Lina gasped and turned to run but his powerful grip kept her stationary. Lina's head whipped back towards him angrily. "Let me go!"
"No! You're not thinking clearly!" Zel struggled to keep her from running. She was strong. Was Phibrizo trying to possess her again?
"Let me go!" Lina shrieked. He noticed her pupils were dilated. Because of the Hell master or in fear. Either way, it wasn't good.
"Calm down!" Zel yelled at her, capturing her other wrist. She didn't stop struggling. "Lina, stop it! Someone will hear us!" Suddenly, he did the only thing he could. He smacked her.
Lina gasped and stumbled backwards. Zel kept a tight grip on her wrists. "Zel..." She was gasping for breath. "I... I'm sorry." Lina hung her head, no longer struggling.
Zel blinked. He didn't think humility was even in Lina's vocabulary. Still, he didn't let down his guard. She could still be possessed and just be tricking him.
"I just... lost it. I'm sorry." Lina said, still not looking back up at him.
"Lina?" He still wasn't sure. Zel released one of her wrists and lifted her chin with his free hand. He almost wished he hadn't. Lina looked up at him slowly. Twigs had left scratches on her face as she ran. Dirt and tears were smeared on her face. And her eyes. They pleaded to him. Called out for help. He'd never seen anyone looking so venerable and torn in his life. He felt like his heart was breaking all over again. "I'm so sorry, Lina." Zel's voice was filled with emotion. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, not even thinking of the consequences. But Lina didn't push him away or even fireball him. She laced her slender arms around him and held him tightly. Lina laved her head on Zel's shoulder, staring vacantly into the darkness.
After a few moments of silence, Zel thought of Amelia and pulled back gently. Lina lifted her head and looked at him. His hands hadn't left her arms. "Zel..." Lina whispered his name. Clouded blue eyes searched her face. It hurt him to look at her but he could not look away.
"Lina." Lina's eyes seemed to penetrate his soul. But this was not Lina. She was not the same somehow. Still, Lina didn't back away from him. He glanced at her side and the dagger was not present. Both of her hands were resting on his arms. "Lina, I-" Suddenly, Lina kissed him. Zel's eyes widened. He didn't love Lina. He knew that. But he kissed her back anyway. In the back of her mind, Lina knew it wasn't right but she didn't care. Lina closed her eyes as they kissed again. But an innocent face penetrated her thoughts and a pain pulsed through her chest. She broke the kiss. Zel stared at her and let her go as she backed away. Lina stared up at him with wide eyes.
"L-sama..." Lina whispered, sinking to the ground. "What have we done?"
Zel looked away from her. The guilt was overwhelming as images of Amelia's cheerful face flashed through his brain. Zel turned his back to her. He remained silent.
Lina looked up at Zel and stood slowly. "Zel, I'm sorry." Her throat tightened and she was near tears again. He still didn't face her. "Zel?" Lina took a step towards him, but stopped. Dead leaves crunched under his boots as he starting walking. Lina bit her lip.
"Let's go back to the camp." Zel's voice was emotionless once again. Lina didn't say anything, but followed him at a distance.
The fire had almost burned out by the time they returned. Zelgadiss got some firewood and relit it with a tiny fireball. Lina sat down against her tree trunk and sighed. Still standing, Zelgadiss glanced down at her and she shyly met his gaze. He looked away and sat down. They sat there silently for a few moments, avoiding each others gaze.
'It's my fault.' Lina blamed herself. 'How could I do that? Why did I do that?'
Zel frowned. 'Dammit, Zel. What were you thinking?' He scolded himself. 'That was Lina you were just kissing. Idiot!'
Lina lifted her head and glanced at Zel. Her expression was pained and confused. But when he lifted his head, his was the same.
"Lina.. I.. That wasn't.." Zel tried to find the words but he didn't know what he was trying to say anyway. She'd asked if he loved Amelia. He did. And he knew that she loved Gourry. So why did she kiss him like that?
Lina was feeling extremely guilty. This was extremely weird. And the only way she knew to fix that was to put the blame on someone else, i.e.: Zelgadiss. "You jerk!" Lina yelled suddenly.
"Nani?!" Zel blinked.
"How dare you take advantage of an innocent girl like that!" She stood, glaring down at him. Towering over him made her appear more formidable. She'd learned that from Amelia. It would've worked if Zel hadn't stood also and returned the angry glare.
"I didn't take advantage of you! And you're not innocent!" He retaliated forcefully. "I can't believe you're doing this, Lina! Why can't you ever take the blame for yourself?!"
"Because it's not my fault!" Lina clinched her fists at her sides.
Zel grunted and crossed his arms across his chest. "You're so childish." Then, like slow motion, an open palm connected with Zel's cheek. His eyes widened, then looked down at Lina. Of course it didn't hurt him, but he knew her hand must be throbbing. Lina gritted her teeth and narrowed teary eyes up at the chimera. Zel sighed. "Lina, we're not solving anything by getting mad at each other." Lina frowned and crossed her arms, waiting for him to continue. 'Figures she'd make me do all the work.' "Look, you just have to face up to your feelings. You can't hide them forever or you'll just be miserable." Zel paused. He hated this kind of talk. But even if he was a chimera on the outside, he still had a human heart on the inside. So he took a deep breath and continued. "I don't love you, Lina." He kept his eyes on her.
Lina blinked. Her arms were now wrapped tightly around her waist. She allowed her gaze to sink to the ground. Then she looked up at him suddenly, fiery bangs subsiding to reveal ruby orbs. "I don't love you either, Zel." Lina creased an eyebrow, looking kind of confused or just troubled. But she wasn't confused. She knew exactly why it had happened. Her eyes teared up again and she turned away from Zel. He remained silent.
"I miss Gourry." Lina said softly. Zel was almost surprised. But with all the other weird going-ons how could he be? "I know." He simply said.
"You miss Amelia, don't you?"
"...I do."
Lina turned around to face him, grinning. "That's the way, Zel! Admitting your feelings is the first step!"
"But Lina, you-!"
"Uh-uh! You can't take it back now." Lina winked and shook a finger.
Zel was about to protest but decided against. He allowed himself to smile at her cheerfulness. Even if it was false. He glanced up at the starry sky. The moon was already at it's peak. "It's late. We should get some rest."
Lina nodded, then walked back over to her tree trunk. She wrapped her black cape around her and snuggled up to the tree. Her back was to him.
Zel smiled and sat back down. "Oyasumi, Lina."
"Oyasumi, Zel-chan." Lina yawned and closed her eyes.