I've never written anything like this so please tell me if I'm funny. The idea came to me the other night at 2am and wouldn't go away so I finally sat down and wrote it this evening. Maybe I can work on some other things now. Oh it's been spell checked but not beta'd. I still struggle with puncuation sometimes so let me know if a comma's missplaced.
ohh, I just realized. I am not making fun of his MS, just his neurotic and bizzare trivia knowledge. Hope no one gets pissed.
Title: "Twilight Zone"
By: Reagan Vir87@bigfoot.com
Description: Pure silliness at the President's expense
Who: Leo, Jed, Mallory (others)
Warnings: Bad words. Probably an R but nothing middle school kids haven't said. But for this to make sense you need to have knowledge of Gen X music, otherwise it won't be funny.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Aaron wouldn't write this. No profit being made. Please don't sue. No money. The music groups and songs mentioned don't belong to me either.
Feedback: Tell me if it's funny. I think it is, but I'm weird. Build my ego.
CH lyrics came from: http://www.csclub.uwaterloo.ca/u/gdloney/insane.html
NIN from cd jacket The Downward Spiral.
The Brownstone is bustling. Approximately twenty guests and close friends are getting into the mood for a Sunday afternoon housewarming party to celebrate Chief of Staff Leo McGarry's new home.
He had lived in the hotel for three years. Although the only thing he ever really did there was change clothes, shower and sleep. Room service was also occasionally sent up, but for the most part it was just a place to rest his head for a few hours on the nights he actually left the office.
For a long time the hotel was temporary because he thought he'd eventually get back together with Jenny. After the divorce papers were settled a year later that illusion faded. Then he was just to busy with twenty other billion problems to worry about finding another more suitable home. The President's MS, Grand Jury Investigation, Congressional Hearings, and the contentious re-election campaign precluded any and all opportunities for Leo to look for an actual home rather than an expensive place to store his things and a bed to lie in at night.
So here now three months after Jed Bartlet was sworn in for his second term Leo had finally purchased a quaint two-story brownstone, in a quiet Georgetown neighborhood, not far from the White House. While Leo didn't need three bedrooms he really didn't want to live in an apartment anymore and the house's location and well worn age appealed to it's irascible new owner.
Toby, Sam, and Josh had been drafted into helping move furniture and boxes in a couple of weeks ago and things were finally all unpacked. Thus it was decided that Leo needed to throw a party to christen his new home for at least the next four years. Dinner was to be buffet style. Leo decided to rent a smoker and the meat was currently cooking out on the back deck.
The four musketeers were put in charge of libations so a makeshift bar had been setup in the corner of the living room under the condition that all containers brought into the house left later on that night. Most of the regular staff were milling about drinking and munching on chips and other finger foods. Everyone was in a good mood even going so far as to make fun of their host who for the first time that some could remember was in jeans, a pull-over gray Henley and boots, rather than the normal custom tailored suit. Although most were shocked everyone agreed that he did look comfortable and that he should go casual more often.
Leo was going back and forth between checking on the fire outside and the food cooking and mingling with his guests. On one trip back inside Josh called out to him.
"Hey Leo. You got any good music for that cd player of yours?"
McGarry barely glanced at Josh as he moved toward the kitchen. "Yeah, there should be some Sinatra or something in there, hit play. All the cds are loaded." Leo had one of those jukebox cd players so most of his collection was ready to play at the touch of a button.
It took Josh a few seconds to figure out the fairly complicated looking machine so he just hit play thinking whatever his boss had been listening to last would start up. He was expecting a jazzy number to issue forth from the speakers. Instead he got a pulsing bass beat that somehow seemed familiar. Several people stopped speaking trying to figure out if what they were hearing was what they thought it was. In the kitchen Leo was oblivious his head in the fridge grabbing condiments to place on the buffet table set up in his living room. When the lyrics started his head came flying out of the icebox a grimace running over his features.
Stepping back into the main room all eyes turned to him in various stages of dismay and shock. The only person who wasn't staring at him strangely was Mallory who appeared to be trying to hold back peals of laughter.
It was Sam who regained his voice. "Leo? Is this what I think it is?"
~~~~~~~~~~
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me i broke apart my insides, help me i've got no soul to sell
help me the only think that works for me, help me i've got to get away from myself
~~~~~~~~~~
McGarry rolled his eyes and landed a withering stare on his daughter. "Mallory! Really, Nine Inch Nails 'Closer'? Are you trying to embarrass me?"
"Okay I don't know what's more frightening here. That Leo knew Mallory had messed with his cd player or the fact that Leo knew what the hell this crap is." CJ commented to herself.
~~~~~~~~~~
i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to fuck you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
~~~~~~~~~~
When the chorus came up several of the younger people giggled while Toby, the President, and First Lady, blanched.
"What the hell is this crap, Leo? Mallory! Young lady are you still playing these juvenile games?" Jed Bartlet barked loudly trying to be heard over the loud music. Leo's daughter had been covertly increasing the volume by remote for the last several seconds.
At her Godfather's grimace of distaste she could no longer hold in her laughter. Mallory now near her father grasped the wall for support, cracking up at Bartlet's look of utter disgust.
She glanced over at her father who was fighting his own smile by now. Once they made eye contact it was all over causing both father and daughter to shriek in boisterous laughter. Several others in the room were also infected by the mirth while the rest watched incredulously. Every time Leo tried to explain he'd look at his oldest friend's horror which only caused more laughing. The chorus had started again before he finally regained control.
"Gimme the remote Mal."
Mallory, gasping for breath, reluctantly handed the remote to her father who promptly stopped the song. Silence filled the room as everyone waited for an explanation.
"A few months after I got out of rehab Mallory decided that my music taste was bland and narrow-minded. She took it upon herself to try and expand my horizons." Leo explained dryly.
"So one day I came back from giving a speech. Jenny was out of town and Mal was here for the weekend with me. I had left Berlioz in the cd player the day before. So when I hit play expecting 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Metallica's 'Ride the Lightening' cued up. I naturally yelled upstairs to Mallory to get her crap out of my cd player. She came bounding down the stairs blithely informing me that it wasn't her cd it was mine." Some of the crowd chuckled at this.
"She went on to tell me that I was being judgmental about music I had never listened to. Being scolded by your college aged daughter is one of the highlights of parenthood let me tell you." This caused more ripples of laughter to emerge.
"Anyway, she somehow convinced me to at least give it a try. Two months later instead of Nat Cole, I got U2's 'Achtung Baby.' She wasn't in town but had left a note telling me that every time I listened to something new I grew a little. Its been a game ever since. Usually it's weeks between my "music lessons." Leo emphasized mimicking the quotes by hand. "So if you'll look on the shelf there are literally sixty cds that none of you would ever imagine I own. A few of the cds she's brought I had her return. They were terrible, but for the most part they ended up growing on me."
"What I don't understand," he said turning to question her, "is that you know I hate this cd. Trent Reznor's first and last cds are much better so why did you bring this back over?"
Josh stared wide eyed at his boss. "It's official we've entered the Twilight Zone."
Sam started humming the theme next to his friend.
"Leo knows the lead singer of NIN? I need to sit down." CJ sank into the couch wondering when she would escape from this bizarre alternate universe.
Mallory rolled her eyes at her father's ignorance. "Christmas '96." She intoned by way of explanation.
That sent Leo into hysterics, promptly joined by his daughter and caused the President to cringe. "Mallory! Leo! That was not funny!"
Jed Bartlet's plaintive whine caused Zoey and her mother to start to laugh as well. The others watched in confusion.
It was Toby who spoke up. "Someone let the rest of us in on the joke."
The Chief of Staff eventually regained control, gulping down some of his orange juice before launching into the story.
"Jenny, Mallory and I spent Christmas at the Governor's mansion that year. I had no idea what she was going to do. Jed turned on the cd player believing there was a Christmas cd in. Instead Cypress Hill came on."
Bonnie, Donna, Cathy, Charlie, and Zoey all laughed. The rest of the adults were unfamiliar with the group.
"Who's that for the rest of the uneducated masses?" Toby questioned.
Mallory asked, "Have you seen the movie Bullworth?"
Everyone in the room nodded. Smiles beginning to creep up in remembrance of the movie's soundtrack.
"What was the song?" Sam asked from the other side of the room.
Unbeknownst to those gathered Leo had been playing with the remote upon hearing his daughter's explanation. A few seconds later the cd player had rotated and a new song began to play.
~~~~~~~~~~
To the one on the flam
Boy your temper just toss that ham
In the fryin' pan
Like spam
Feel done when I come in slam
Damn I feel like the son of sam
Don't make me wreck shit hectic
Next to the chair got me goin' like General Electric
EEEN!
The lights are blinking
I'm thinking It's all over when I go out drinking
Oh, makin' my mind slow,
That's why I don't fuck wit da big four-o
Bro', I got ta maintain
`Cause a nigga like me is goin' insane
Insane in the membrane
Insane in the brain!
Insane in the membrane
Insane in the brain!
Insane in the membrane
Plenty insane
Got no brain!
Insane in the membrane
Insane in the brain!
~~~~~~~~~
Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill from their Black Sunday album
It seemed to flow across the room as each individual recognized the song. Soon everyone but the President and the two Secret Service men by the back door and hallway entrance respectively were laughing so hard tears were flowing. 'Insane in the Brain' just seemed so perversely fitting for Jed Bartlet's incongruous intellect.
"Leo you're fired." Jed Bartlet scowled. "And you people better stop laughing before I fire all of you too."
McGarry couldn't help himself, losing all control he sank to the floor as he and Mallory couldn't even focus enough to wipe their eyes. When the song finally ended Leo managed to change cds and Bach filled the air. That helped everyone get a hold of themselves.
Leo wiped his eyes before rising from the floor and walking over to his best friend. "Come on Mr. President that was funny. You're just being narrow-minded." He was still smiling broadly.
Abby Bartlet grinned tolerantly at her husband's friend. "I can't believe you have that in there."
"Are you kidding? I love that cd. Sometimes when I have a really shitty day I'll come home and play it. I always end up laughing and feeling much better. Your expression that day is indelibly etched in my mind, sir. First opportunity I had I cornered Mal and demanded that she get me a copy of that song. It was sitting on my desk the day after we came back to DC. It's not something I'd normally like but it made an impression that I haven't forgotten."
Josiah Bartlet continued to scowl. "You're still fired. And don't any of you think I won't remember this. We're heading to Poland next month. It's a twelve hour flight."
Everyone who was going on the trip groaned.
Leo chuckled. "Be nice Jed. It's a party."
"So this is what it takes to get you to say my name? Horrible music and practical jokes made at my expense."
"Yep. Now who's hungry?"
A chorus of "I am," rose up from the crowd.
"The meat should be done outside. Come on Mal. Let's get some food on the table before the natives get restless." He threw an arm around his daughter, leading her outside, while the rest of the party resumed.
Ten minutes later they reemerged each carrying two platters of sliced up pork loin, brisket, and chicken and beef fajita meat.
Josh and Sam were still staring at Leo's cd collection. Occasionally pulling out certain cases in shocked wonder.
~~~~~~~~
The End
ohh, I just realized. I am not making fun of his MS, just his neurotic and bizzare trivia knowledge. Hope no one gets pissed.
Title: "Twilight Zone"
By: Reagan Vir87@bigfoot.com
Description: Pure silliness at the President's expense
Who: Leo, Jed, Mallory (others)
Warnings: Bad words. Probably an R but nothing middle school kids haven't said. But for this to make sense you need to have knowledge of Gen X music, otherwise it won't be funny.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Aaron wouldn't write this. No profit being made. Please don't sue. No money. The music groups and songs mentioned don't belong to me either.
Feedback: Tell me if it's funny. I think it is, but I'm weird. Build my ego.
CH lyrics came from: http://www.csclub.uwaterloo.ca/u/gdloney/insane.html
NIN from cd jacket The Downward Spiral.
The Brownstone is bustling. Approximately twenty guests and close friends are getting into the mood for a Sunday afternoon housewarming party to celebrate Chief of Staff Leo McGarry's new home.
He had lived in the hotel for three years. Although the only thing he ever really did there was change clothes, shower and sleep. Room service was also occasionally sent up, but for the most part it was just a place to rest his head for a few hours on the nights he actually left the office.
For a long time the hotel was temporary because he thought he'd eventually get back together with Jenny. After the divorce papers were settled a year later that illusion faded. Then he was just to busy with twenty other billion problems to worry about finding another more suitable home. The President's MS, Grand Jury Investigation, Congressional Hearings, and the contentious re-election campaign precluded any and all opportunities for Leo to look for an actual home rather than an expensive place to store his things and a bed to lie in at night.
So here now three months after Jed Bartlet was sworn in for his second term Leo had finally purchased a quaint two-story brownstone, in a quiet Georgetown neighborhood, not far from the White House. While Leo didn't need three bedrooms he really didn't want to live in an apartment anymore and the house's location and well worn age appealed to it's irascible new owner.
Toby, Sam, and Josh had been drafted into helping move furniture and boxes in a couple of weeks ago and things were finally all unpacked. Thus it was decided that Leo needed to throw a party to christen his new home for at least the next four years. Dinner was to be buffet style. Leo decided to rent a smoker and the meat was currently cooking out on the back deck.
The four musketeers were put in charge of libations so a makeshift bar had been setup in the corner of the living room under the condition that all containers brought into the house left later on that night. Most of the regular staff were milling about drinking and munching on chips and other finger foods. Everyone was in a good mood even going so far as to make fun of their host who for the first time that some could remember was in jeans, a pull-over gray Henley and boots, rather than the normal custom tailored suit. Although most were shocked everyone agreed that he did look comfortable and that he should go casual more often.
Leo was going back and forth between checking on the fire outside and the food cooking and mingling with his guests. On one trip back inside Josh called out to him.
"Hey Leo. You got any good music for that cd player of yours?"
McGarry barely glanced at Josh as he moved toward the kitchen. "Yeah, there should be some Sinatra or something in there, hit play. All the cds are loaded." Leo had one of those jukebox cd players so most of his collection was ready to play at the touch of a button.
It took Josh a few seconds to figure out the fairly complicated looking machine so he just hit play thinking whatever his boss had been listening to last would start up. He was expecting a jazzy number to issue forth from the speakers. Instead he got a pulsing bass beat that somehow seemed familiar. Several people stopped speaking trying to figure out if what they were hearing was what they thought it was. In the kitchen Leo was oblivious his head in the fridge grabbing condiments to place on the buffet table set up in his living room. When the lyrics started his head came flying out of the icebox a grimace running over his features.
Stepping back into the main room all eyes turned to him in various stages of dismay and shock. The only person who wasn't staring at him strangely was Mallory who appeared to be trying to hold back peals of laughter.
It was Sam who regained his voice. "Leo? Is this what I think it is?"
~~~~~~~~~~
you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
help me i broke apart my insides, help me i've got no soul to sell
help me the only think that works for me, help me i've got to get away from myself
~~~~~~~~~~
McGarry rolled his eyes and landed a withering stare on his daughter. "Mallory! Really, Nine Inch Nails 'Closer'? Are you trying to embarrass me?"
"Okay I don't know what's more frightening here. That Leo knew Mallory had messed with his cd player or the fact that Leo knew what the hell this crap is." CJ commented to herself.
~~~~~~~~~~
i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to fuck you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god
~~~~~~~~~~
When the chorus came up several of the younger people giggled while Toby, the President, and First Lady, blanched.
"What the hell is this crap, Leo? Mallory! Young lady are you still playing these juvenile games?" Jed Bartlet barked loudly trying to be heard over the loud music. Leo's daughter had been covertly increasing the volume by remote for the last several seconds.
At her Godfather's grimace of distaste she could no longer hold in her laughter. Mallory now near her father grasped the wall for support, cracking up at Bartlet's look of utter disgust.
She glanced over at her father who was fighting his own smile by now. Once they made eye contact it was all over causing both father and daughter to shriek in boisterous laughter. Several others in the room were also infected by the mirth while the rest watched incredulously. Every time Leo tried to explain he'd look at his oldest friend's horror which only caused more laughing. The chorus had started again before he finally regained control.
"Gimme the remote Mal."
Mallory, gasping for breath, reluctantly handed the remote to her father who promptly stopped the song. Silence filled the room as everyone waited for an explanation.
"A few months after I got out of rehab Mallory decided that my music taste was bland and narrow-minded. She took it upon herself to try and expand my horizons." Leo explained dryly.
"So one day I came back from giving a speech. Jenny was out of town and Mal was here for the weekend with me. I had left Berlioz in the cd player the day before. So when I hit play expecting 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Metallica's 'Ride the Lightening' cued up. I naturally yelled upstairs to Mallory to get her crap out of my cd player. She came bounding down the stairs blithely informing me that it wasn't her cd it was mine." Some of the crowd chuckled at this.
"She went on to tell me that I was being judgmental about music I had never listened to. Being scolded by your college aged daughter is one of the highlights of parenthood let me tell you." This caused more ripples of laughter to emerge.
"Anyway, she somehow convinced me to at least give it a try. Two months later instead of Nat Cole, I got U2's 'Achtung Baby.' She wasn't in town but had left a note telling me that every time I listened to something new I grew a little. Its been a game ever since. Usually it's weeks between my "music lessons." Leo emphasized mimicking the quotes by hand. "So if you'll look on the shelf there are literally sixty cds that none of you would ever imagine I own. A few of the cds she's brought I had her return. They were terrible, but for the most part they ended up growing on me."
"What I don't understand," he said turning to question her, "is that you know I hate this cd. Trent Reznor's first and last cds are much better so why did you bring this back over?"
Josh stared wide eyed at his boss. "It's official we've entered the Twilight Zone."
Sam started humming the theme next to his friend.
"Leo knows the lead singer of NIN? I need to sit down." CJ sank into the couch wondering when she would escape from this bizarre alternate universe.
Mallory rolled her eyes at her father's ignorance. "Christmas '96." She intoned by way of explanation.
That sent Leo into hysterics, promptly joined by his daughter and caused the President to cringe. "Mallory! Leo! That was not funny!"
Jed Bartlet's plaintive whine caused Zoey and her mother to start to laugh as well. The others watched in confusion.
It was Toby who spoke up. "Someone let the rest of us in on the joke."
The Chief of Staff eventually regained control, gulping down some of his orange juice before launching into the story.
"Jenny, Mallory and I spent Christmas at the Governor's mansion that year. I had no idea what she was going to do. Jed turned on the cd player believing there was a Christmas cd in. Instead Cypress Hill came on."
Bonnie, Donna, Cathy, Charlie, and Zoey all laughed. The rest of the adults were unfamiliar with the group.
"Who's that for the rest of the uneducated masses?" Toby questioned.
Mallory asked, "Have you seen the movie Bullworth?"
Everyone in the room nodded. Smiles beginning to creep up in remembrance of the movie's soundtrack.
"What was the song?" Sam asked from the other side of the room.
Unbeknownst to those gathered Leo had been playing with the remote upon hearing his daughter's explanation. A few seconds later the cd player had rotated and a new song began to play.
~~~~~~~~~~
To the one on the flam
Boy your temper just toss that ham
In the fryin' pan
Like spam
Feel done when I come in slam
Damn I feel like the son of sam
Don't make me wreck shit hectic
Next to the chair got me goin' like General Electric
EEEN!
The lights are blinking
I'm thinking It's all over when I go out drinking
Oh, makin' my mind slow,
That's why I don't fuck wit da big four-o
Bro', I got ta maintain
`Cause a nigga like me is goin' insane
Insane in the membrane
Insane in the brain!
Insane in the membrane
Insane in the brain!
Insane in the membrane
Plenty insane
Got no brain!
Insane in the membrane
Insane in the brain!
~~~~~~~~~
Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill from their Black Sunday album
It seemed to flow across the room as each individual recognized the song. Soon everyone but the President and the two Secret Service men by the back door and hallway entrance respectively were laughing so hard tears were flowing. 'Insane in the Brain' just seemed so perversely fitting for Jed Bartlet's incongruous intellect.
"Leo you're fired." Jed Bartlet scowled. "And you people better stop laughing before I fire all of you too."
McGarry couldn't help himself, losing all control he sank to the floor as he and Mallory couldn't even focus enough to wipe their eyes. When the song finally ended Leo managed to change cds and Bach filled the air. That helped everyone get a hold of themselves.
Leo wiped his eyes before rising from the floor and walking over to his best friend. "Come on Mr. President that was funny. You're just being narrow-minded." He was still smiling broadly.
Abby Bartlet grinned tolerantly at her husband's friend. "I can't believe you have that in there."
"Are you kidding? I love that cd. Sometimes when I have a really shitty day I'll come home and play it. I always end up laughing and feeling much better. Your expression that day is indelibly etched in my mind, sir. First opportunity I had I cornered Mal and demanded that she get me a copy of that song. It was sitting on my desk the day after we came back to DC. It's not something I'd normally like but it made an impression that I haven't forgotten."
Josiah Bartlet continued to scowl. "You're still fired. And don't any of you think I won't remember this. We're heading to Poland next month. It's a twelve hour flight."
Everyone who was going on the trip groaned.
Leo chuckled. "Be nice Jed. It's a party."
"So this is what it takes to get you to say my name? Horrible music and practical jokes made at my expense."
"Yep. Now who's hungry?"
A chorus of "I am," rose up from the crowd.
"The meat should be done outside. Come on Mal. Let's get some food on the table before the natives get restless." He threw an arm around his daughter, leading her outside, while the rest of the party resumed.
Ten minutes later they reemerged each carrying two platters of sliced up pork loin, brisket, and chicken and beef fajita meat.
Josh and Sam were still staring at Leo's cd collection. Occasionally pulling out certain cases in shocked wonder.
~~~~~~~~
The End