You Can't Win! Episode 4: Harry Potter
by Lady of the Wolves
Dedicated to Kobo
*Lights flash, audience waves. Camera circles around to focus on random members. Finally, it settles on a woman in the middle of the stage*
The woman has brown hair with the end curled under. She is wearing an orange and pink striped top, blue and yellow plaid pants, and a red hat with multi-colored polka-dots. Her shoes are high-heeled and lime green.
Woman: Hi again! I'm your host, Anita Hobby! You may remember me as Anita Clue, but I got divorced and then remarried!
*Crowd claps*
Anita: Thank you! Welcome to our fourth episode of-
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!
*Everyone screams and whistles*
Anita (smiling): That's right! On today's show, we have three very important players, all the way from wizard-land!
*Audience claps*
Anita: All right, then! Let's bring out Contestant Number One!
A pretty teenage girl with somewhat-bushy brown hair walks calmly onstage.
Anita: Let's give a warm round of applause to Hermione Granger!
*Hermione takes her place at her podium. The crowd goes wild*
(In the audience) Harry: Go Hermione!
Ron: You can do it!
Anita: AHEM! Hermione likes to study, read, and ace her exams. She is a top student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!
Hermione: Thank you, Anita!
Anita: Now it's time to introduce Contestant Number Two!
A tall, thin man with silver hair and piercing blue eyes jogs onstage, waving.
Anita: Let's hear it for Professor Albus Dumbledore!
*Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Albus-
Dumbledore: Please, call me Dumbledore.
Anita (furious): DON'T INTERRUPT!!! Now, Dumbledore is headmaster at Hogwarts, where he has fun and spoils Harry Potter!
*A teenage boy in audience with black hair and glasses stands up*
Harry: I object!
Anita: And let's give a big You Can't Win! welcome to Contestant Number Three!
A man somewhat like a snake slithers onstage with an evil laugh.
*No one applauds*
Anita: This is today's special guest, Lord Voldemort!
*Quiet in audience*
Anita (scowling): He likes to be evil and convince others to join the Dark side.
*Crowd goes wild, clapping harder than ever. Voldemort smiles and takes his place. Hermione and Albus edge away*
*Anita waves hand at screen behind her, five green boxes appear*
Anita: And today's categories are: Trees of Madagascar, The Letter 'Y', Correct Grammar, Computers, and ZIG!
*People in crowd whistle*
Anita: Remember, you have three lifelines: 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE!
Hermione: Is this multiple choice?
Anita: No!
*Audience laughs, Hermione blushes*
Anita: So, Hermione, please pick a category!
Hermione (sighing): I knew this day would come...
Anita: The category...?
Harry (in audience): Pick the one about trees!
Ron (in audience): No! Pick ZIG!
*Harry and Ron begin to fight. Armed thugs pull them apart*
Anita: Hermione?
Hermione: I pick The Letter 'Y'!
*Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Great choice, Hermione! Let's hear your question!
*Audience cheers*
Anita: Your question for today is: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
*Audience cheers*
Hermione: Uh...
Anita: Is that your final answer?
*Audience laughs*
Hermione (quickly): No! My answer is.....
Anita: I'm sorry, but that's inco-
Hermione: Wait! I watched this show before and that girl used her phone a friend to call the police and have the right to remain silent! I'll do that!
*Audience laughs*
Anita: OK....then. Now, Dumbledore, it's your turn. Please pick a category.
Harry (in audience): What was the answer?
Anita: The correct answer to Hermione's question was 0.35.
*Audience cheers*
Harry: Oooookay then.
Anita: Yes. Now, Dumbledore, please pick a category.
Dumbledore: Ummm....Can I use a lifeline instead?
Anita: Sure, why not?
Dumbledore: I think I'll use....hmmm.....YOU LOSE! By the way, what does that do?
*Audience cheers and laughs, then everyone reaches under their seats, grinning evilly. Dumbledore gulps*
Anita: Go ahead, audience members!
*Everyone begins to pelt Dumbledore with multi-colored bouncy balls. Hermione and Voldemort duck under their stands, but Dumbledore can't move*
Dumbledore: Help! Stop! I want my mommyyyyyyyyyy!!!!
*Audience stops*
Anita (smiling): Okay then! Now it's Lord Voldemort's turn!
*Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Voldemort, please choose a category!
Voldemort: Please, call me Voldie.
Anita (flattered): Of course....Voldie.
Voldie: I choose....Correct Grammar!
*Audience claps*
Anita: An excellent choice! Your question is: If the person who made up the term 'grammar' was alive right now, what would he be doing?
Voldie: I know! He would be convinving people to join the Dark Side!
*Audience laughs*
Anita (smiling): I'm sorry, but that was not correct!
Voldie: Darn! Are you sure?
Anita: Yes, quite sure. Now, sice you didn't get the question right, you....
Audience: HAVE TO WATCH 99,999,999,999,999,999,999 EPISODES OF 'THE BRADY BUNCH'!!!!!!!!!!!!
Voldie: I don't even know what that is, but it sounds scary!
*Audience laughs evilly. Voldemort whirls around*
Voldie: Hey! Only I am allowed to laugh evilly!
*Anita motions and armed thugs wheel out a big-screen TV. Thug #4 presses a button and a HORRIBLE song plays...*
TV: It's the story...Of a lovely lady...Who was bringing up three very lovely girls-
Voldemort: NO MORE!!! NO MORE!!! HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO SHAME?!?!?!
*Audience cheers, but mostly to cover up the sound from the TV. Thugs grab Voldemort and drag him away, screaming*
TV (faded as thugs drag it and Voldie away): All had hair of gold, like their mother....
Anita: Let's now return to Contestant Number One! Hermione, please pick a category.
Hermione (thinking fast): Isn't my lifeline still in effect?
Anita: Hmm. I suppose it is!
Ron (in audience): Go Hermione!
Harry: Wanna go out with me?
Ron: No, me!
Harry: I asked first!
Ron: But you're a LOSER!!!
Harry: Who you callin' loser, CARROT TOP?!
*They begins to fight. Armed thugs pull them apart. Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Dumbledore, it's your turn!
Dumbledore: I pick.....ZIG!!!
*Everyone claps*
Anita: Great! Your question is:
*Waves hand at screen behind her. Nothing happens. Audience laughs*
Anita: I SAID, YOUR QUESTION FOR TODAY IS:
*Screen changes to picture of a lady's hand*
Anita: What color of nail polish is our lovely model wearing?
*Crowd laughs*
Dumbledore (gulps): Um....coral?
*Dumbledore begins to sweat. Audience laughs*
Dumbledore: I DON'T KNOW!! I GIVE UP!! KILL ME NOW!!!! BUT I WILL NEVER WATCH THE BRADY BUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Audience goes wild*
Anita (smiling sadly): I apologize, Albus, but that is incorrect!
Hermione: What color is it, then?
Anita: Isn't it obvious?
Ron (in audience): It's obviously cheese!
*Audience laughs. Ron blushes*
Ron: I meant, green.
Anita: Ha, what a loser-I mean, no, the correct answer was Wunavsmhsvgdhsjiou.
*Audience stares*
Anita: It's Russian.
Audience: Oh!
Anita: Albus, for answering the question incorrectly, I'm afraid that you must....
Audience: BE SLOWLY DROPPED INTO AN ACTIVE VOLCANO!!!!!
Dumbledore: WHAT?!
*Anita and audience laugh*
Dumbledore: A VOLCANO?!?!
Anita: Yes, Albus, a volcano.
*Armed thugs approach with cattle prods. They grab Dumbledore, who is kicking and screaming, offstage. Audience goes wild*
Anita: Let's watch Albus on our Consequence-Screen!
*Audience goes wild. Anita turns around and the screen behind her now shows the six armed thugs with Dumbledore in a helicopter. They fly over a volcano and hover over it, slowly dropping Dumbledore inside*
Dumbledore: Cool!
*Crowd goes wild*
Anita: I'm sorry, but we need to continue.
Audience: Aw, darn.
*Screen goes blank again*
Anita: Hermione, it's your turn, and your lifeline is no longer in effect.
*Audience laughs*
Hermione: Why not?!
Anita: Glad you asked, Hermione. Audience?
*Hermione ducks under her podium, afraid of being hit with bouncy balls. Audience laughs*
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!!
Anita: Please pick a category, Hermione!
Hermione (sighs): Fine. I pick Trees of Madagascar.
Harry (in audience): Woo yeah! She picked the one I told her too!
Ron: Nuh uh! She still likes me more!
Harry: Does not!
*Armed thugs pull them apart as they start to fight*
Anita: Here is your question: What am I thinking about?
*Audience goes wild*
Hermione: Um...THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH TREES OR MADAGASCAR!!!
*Audience laughs*
Anita: I'm sorry, Hermione, but that was incorrect!
Hermione (very hysterical, she is going crazy): I DIDN'T ANSWER!! THAT QUESTION WAS INSANE!!!
*Audience laughs and goes wild*
Anita (laughing): Would you like to know WHY, Hermione?
Hermione: YES!! YES!!! TELL ME ALREADY!!!!
Anita: Audience....?
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
*Hermione screams in rage and jumps up and down. Audience laughs*
Hermione: BUT THAT ISN'T LOGICAL!!!
Anita: Of course it isn't! And WHY?
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
Hermione: I see. AAAARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Hermione begins hitting her head against her podium. Audience laughs*
Anita: Hermione, since you answered the question incorrectly, you....
Audience: GET YOUR HEAD FLUSHED IN THE TOILET!!!
Ron (in the audience): You mean, like, a swirly?
Anita: Thank you, Ron, that IS the correct term!
*Crowd goes wild. Armed thugs approach and surround her*
Hermione: Excuse me?!?! I WILL NOT have my head put in the filthy toilet! Do you know what it could do to my HAIR?!?! It's hard enough to take care of as it is!
Lady in Audience: I know, I have the same problem!
*Thugs grab Hermione and carry her over to a toilet, which is suddenly revealed as a curtain opens onstage (A/N: The same curtain where Wyldon was, in You Can't Win!, the original)*
Hermione: NO!!!
*Suddenly, Hermione whips out her wand and quickly mutters the full-Body Bind curse. Armed thugs drop to the ground, stiff, and she makes her getaway*
Audience: NO!!!!!!!!
*From a studio door, several spare Armed thugs emerge and chase Hermione outside. Suddenly, a stagehand runs onstage and hands Anita an envelope, then rushes off. She raises the envelope*
Anita: Now the results are in!
*Crowd whispers excitedly*
Anita: And the winner is....
*Audience stare at Anita in suspense*
Anita: Drumroll, please....
*Drumroll*
Anita: The winner is....-
Harry (in audience): But I thought no one could win!
*Audience glares at him*
Anita: Harry, have you ever read the RULES for You Can't Win! ?
Harry: Um, what are rules?
*Crowd laughs. Anita sighs*
Anita: The winner is....Armed thug #3!
*Crowd goes wild, everyone stands up applauding*
Armed thug #3: OH yeah, baby! I won! It's my birthday! I'm so cool!
*Unfortunately, Armed thug #3 is still suffering from the full Body-Bind curse that Hermione placed on him, so he can't move. At all*
Anita (smiling): You win your own small country in Europe, a palace, ten brand new cars, a jet, $100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, a lifetime supply of Lucky Charms, and a date with Britney Spears!
Armed thug #3: WOO-HOO!!!!
*Other Armed thugs (not suffering from Hermione's spell) come over and pat him on the back*
Ron (in audience): When the full Body-Bind is on you, I thought you couldn't talk!
Armed thug #3: I WON!! I WON!!! YOU LOSE!
*Audience reaches under their steats and pelt him with bouncy balls*
Armed thug #3: Hey! Give me a break! I won! HELP!!!!!
*Crowd goes wild as Armed thugs #1-6 are carried away on stetchers. Armed thug #3 is still celebrating*
Anita: We'll see you next time on-
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!!
THE END
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Harry Potter character; they belong to the one and only J. K. Rowling. "You Can't Win!" is owned by Nickelodeon. I own the Armed thugs, the plot, and Anita.
I want to thank Star Shadow, Terri, Emily, Amanda, and sunflower for helping me.
If you were disturbed by this, don't worry-so was I! PLEASE REVIEW!!!!
Also, look for You Can't Win! in the Tamora Pierce and Invader Zim sections under my name.
Thanks!
Lady of the Wolves