FULL CIRCLE
by Avalon (avalon99@telusplanet.net)
http://members.dencity.com/avalon_online
J/C, PG-13, 2/9
FULL CIRCLE II
Janeway pulled free with a startled gasp...and found herself once more aboard Voyager, staring into Chakotay's dark, worried eyes, his hands on her arms. She blinked and, for a moment, disorientation swept over her.
"Are you all right?" There was concern...and something else...in his voice, and his grip tightened.
The chaos in her mind receded momentarily and she stiffened. "Eidolon." She hadn't realized she had spoken the name aloud until she saw his expression change.
"What?" Chakotay's voice sharpened.
Confusion swept over her. Janeway met her First Officer's eyes, her mind reeling. She swayed slightly. "Chakotay?" It came out as a question. "What happened?"
"You tell me." Hastily he steered he toward her chair and she sagged bonelessly into it. "You went into some sort of trance," he said, a hundred questions in his voice.
She swallowed and ran a hand over her eyes which were burning and sore. Chakotay knelt down and tentatively touched her shoulder. "Kathryn...what's going on?"
"She called me Eidolon," Janeway said distantly, staring past his shoulder to the far wall. She couldn't seem to shake off the confusion assailing her -- it was as if part of her were still in the crowded city.
"Who did?" Her First Officer asked gently.
Janeway made a concerted effort to clear her mind. Speaking slowly, she replied: "I was...somewhere else...in a crowded city. And someone called me...Eidolon." Staring blindly past Chakotay she told him about the vision and the dreams of the past two nights.
She finished and swallowed again, a small ripple of fear snaking through her. Beside her, she could feel the tension beating out of her First Officer's body like radiation. She met his eyes, her face reflecting the unspoken thoughts written on his own. Without thinking she reached out a hand and spoke more forcefully: "Chakotay --I'm still me. Eidolon's gone. It was just a...a..." She couldn't finish. She didn't know what it was.
Neither did he. The Commander gazed worriedly into her eyes, searching for signs of...of something he'd rather not think about.
Chakotay had thought he had managed to put the memories behind him. Now, he realized, as he watched the Captain shakily trying to regain control of herself, that he had been wrong. He could no more ignore the events of several weeks ago than he could ignore what was happening now. And perhaps...just perhaps...the events were linked. He shuddered inwardly.
Three weeks ago, when a hostile alien had seized control of his body and kidnapped the Captain while searching for his elusive people, the Shay'anari, Chakotay had been a helpless prisoner within his own mind. Janeway had freed him -- well, they had freed each other -- but the memories remained. She had nearly died. He had nearly killed her. In the end, the alien had left his body and taken hers in a last desperate bid for freedom. Only then, with the help of ancient, alien technology, had the Captain been freed and Eidolon destroyed for good. Or so they had thought...
Janeway could read the doubt in his eyes. It hurt, but she couldn't blame him. The same thought was ripping through her like a dagger. What if Eidolon hadn't died? What if he were still inside her? Worse yet, what if he were somehow controlling her? She bit her lip then straightened and leaned back, easing herself out of his grasp. He let her go but did not step back. Instead, he stared intensely into her eyes, searching for some sign of...what?
"You think that I might have been taken over...that he's not really gone." It wasn't a question.
A shadow passed over his eyes but he didn't deny it. The silence stretched between them.
After an eternity, Janeway licked dry lips and spoke again. "It's probably just some sort of hallucination..."
"And the dreams?"
"I don't know."
"I think you should see the Doctor." His tone was clipped. She hesitated then nodded wordlessly and stood, swaying a little. He took her arm, just under the elbow, to steady her and for an instant she was tempted to lean into his side, to reassure herself with some much needed human contact...but she was the Captain. And so she took a deep breath, locked her knees, and lightly pulled her arm away.
"I'm fine," she said. "Let's go."
Chakotay nodded, his expression unreadable, and together they left the ready room.
* * *
Their journey through the ship evoked more than one inquiring look. The rumours about them had obviously been spreading like wildfire. At any other time, Janeway would have done her best to quell them by striding along firmly, professionally, and decorously distant from the man at her side. Now though, she couldn't seem to care. She had more at stake than her reputation.
Such as, what if Eidolon really was somewhere still inside her? Could she trust any of her actions of the last three weeks? Were her thoughts even her own? And...what would they do if the alien hadn't left her body?
Then again, they could both be overreacting. She might just be hallucinating, perhaps caused by overwork and stress. But it had felt too real. She could still smell the flowers on the hillside, see the pulsing strands of lights in the pavement...
Janeway stopped dead. Chakotay, who had been practically glued to her hip as they walked through the corridors, was taken off guard and ploughed into her, knocking her off balance. She steadied herself against the wall then turned hastily to him, interrupting the apology already forming on his lips.
"I remember where I've seen those lights."
He blinked. "What?"
"Lights." She was speaking quickly, impatiently. "In the...vision...there were pulsing lights in some of the walls and buried in the street. I've just remembered where I've seen them before..." Her voice trailed off.
He finished for her. "In the Guardian's cave." Their eyes met, the implications sinking in.
"The vision...I was on the planet...where Eidolon took us." She swallowed. "But it was in the past. There were people. It was crowded." Her momentary jubilation was quickly fading and a stricken expression appeared on her face. Chakotay gently touched her shoulder, ignoring the curious crewmembers passing them.
"It might just be a leftover memory...or something," he said, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than her.
"But you don't believe that, do you?" Her voice was bleak.
He didn't answer. His silence was answer enough. Quietly they turned and resumed their progress towards sickbay.
* * *
The tests the Doctor subjected her to this time were rigorous and thorough. Janeway had been poked, prodded, and probed, and there was very little about her that hadn't been measured, gauged, or contemplated in some way. She had the feeling that if the hologram could have removed her brain for a quick going over on a dissection tray, he would have. As it was, she was getting a headache. A large one. She tilted her head, watching Chakotay, the Doctor, and Kes engage in a spirited discussion about one of the tests which, as far as she could tell, were all yielding precisely nothing, then she allowed herself to fall back on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. Maybe it was all just a...
The lights flared around her and between one heartbeat and the next, Janeway was...elsewhere.
"I said 'where have you been?' I've been waiting forever."
Janeway blinked. She was back in the city. More people, carrying baskets filled with what looked like shards of glass or crystal, hurried by, ignoring her. She turned her head. The woman was still there, the one she had seen earlier. The one who had called her "Eidolon."
She was thin and not very tall and, except for a faint greenish cast
to her skin and a certain difference in the ears, looked remarkably human.
Her hair was cut short and was an unremarkable light brown while her clothing
appeared to be purely functional. She wore what looked like a pale
grey coverall and light boots. Only the multicoloured crystalline
rings flashing on her fingers and her vibrant blue eyes broke the drabness
of her appearance. She seemed to be young. In human terms she
wouldn't have been much more than twenty...
Janeway found herself scientifically cataloguing every aspect of both
her companion and her surroundings while another part of her mind tried
desperately to solve the puzzle she found herself trapped in. "I
was in sickbay. And now I'm here. It's another vision...or
hallucination." But it was too real to be either. All of her
senses seemed to be operating fully this time. She could hear the
flocks of grey birds screaming raucously overhead, while the scents of
the crowd mingled with the smell of distant cooking. She could even
feel a stone in her left shoe, digging into her heel.
She shifted her weight and refocused her attention on the woman, who was frowning now, a worried expression on her face. "Eidolon, are you all right?"
Part of Janeway's overloaded mind screamed a silent answer. Don't call me that. I am not Eidolon. But she found herself nodding and answering calmly. "I'm fine..." She paused. Something within her supplied the name. "Yvara." Janeway stiffened. That wasn't her memory. It was...someone else's. Dread began to ripple through her.
Yvara nodded, the worry fading from her eyes. "Good. I thought maybe they had..." Her voice trailed off.
"What?"
"Nothing." The alien hesitated. "I...did they listen to you?"
Janeway waited, but whatever lurked within her mind didn't supply her with the answer this time. Hesitantly she replied. "No." Well, she had a fifty percent chance of being right, after all...
Yvara turned aside, hitting one fist into the palm of her other hand. "I knew it. I knew they wouldn't listen." She turned back to Janeway, speaking fiercely. "You've got to try again. You've got to. Make them listen. Don't let them do this..."
"I..."
Light suddenly blinded her...and Janeway found herself back in sickbay. Chakotay and the others were still engrossed in conversation. No more than seconds could have passed. With a gasp, she bolted upright and said: "Doctor." It came out as a yelp. As one they turned to her, their discussion breaking off in midstream. She took a deep breath. "It happened again," she said flatly. Her headache had gotten worse, she noticed distantly, and she was trembling. She ignored it and met three pairs of startled eyes.
For an instant she almost felt like laughing -- they all wore identical expressions of surprise and alarm -- but the impulse quickly faded. There was very little to laugh at, after all.
In one stride, Chakotay had reached her side. "What happened?" His voice was sharp.
Shakily, she told them. Every detail that she could remember while the Doctor hastily resumed scanning her. When she finished, the hologram spoke.
"Your isotronic neutrinos have increased. Again." He changed instruments and frowned at the readings. "But that still shouldn't account for..."
"Doctor." Janeway's voice cut him off. "Did any of the tests that you ran...that is...?" She gathered her thoughts. "Is there a test that will prove...that I'm still me?" The room stilled.
The hologram looked down at his tricorder. "Your brainwave patterns indicate that you are indeed Kathryn Janeway..." His voice trailed off.
She tensed. "So why do I sense a 'but' coming?"
He met her gaze. "But...there are slight differences in the patterns that could leave the matter in some doubt."
"What kind of 'slight differences'?" Chakotay's voice held a note that Janeway couldn't quite identify. She turned her head to look at him, but his expression was shuttered and hooded. He didn't meet her eyes.
The Doctor paused before answering. "They might be caused by the change in her neutrino levels, or..."
"Or by an alien entity somewhere inside me." Janeway's voice was bleak.
"That is rather unlikely. If you had been taken over by Eidolon, or anyone else for that matter, your brainwave patterns should have changed considerably. That hasn't happened. And..." He held up a hand to forestall her interruption, "until there is more tangible proof either way, I suggest everyone stop leaping to conclusions." He closed the tricorder with a snap. Silence fell around him. The Doctor paused for a moment then smiled slightly, pleased with the effect.
Janeway sat up, her legs dangling over the side of the bed. "So now what?" she asked wearily, her headache pounding painfully.
"Now you all go back to whatever it is you were doing, and leave me to go over these tests. With Kes' help, of course." He favoured the alien with a paternal smile.
Chakotay hesitated. Janeway looked up, trying to meet his eyes, and he glanced away. A cold chill ran through her. "Doctor, Kes," she said slowly, "I would like a word alone with Commander Chakotay first, please. Alone."
The Doctor's eyebrows shot up, but he said, somewhat huffily. "All right. But don't be long. I have a lot of data to check." And then he vanished.
Kes placed a hand on Janeway's shoulder. "Take your time, Captain. I'll be outside." She too left, leaving Janeway alone with her First Officer.
Chakotay moved uncomfortably away as Janeway climbed to her feet. She braced herself. "All right, Commander. Just tell me." Her voice was firm.
His turned to face her, discomfort written in every line of his body. A muscle tightened in his jaw. "I'm... worried about you. And the ship."
"Because you're not sure if I...I'm still me." It wasn't a question.
"Yes," he said evenly.
She hadn't expected it to hurt so much. She understood the logic of his concerns...she had the same fears. But it still hurt.
"And...?" Her words were flat and toneless.
Chakotay found himself gazing at a point somewhere over her left shoulder. "And...I'm questioning now what happened in the holodeck. If...that was you or..."
Janeway flinched and half-turned away. Well, she had wanted to talk to him about what had happened...but she had never envisioned the conversation that was taking place. What was she supposed to say?
When she did speak, her voice was low. "Chakotay... I...can't prove that I haven't been take over by Eidolon. And I can't tell you that I'm one hundred percent certain that he...or anyone else...wasn't influencing my actions in the holodeck. There's no proof that I can give you." She swallowed again, her mouth going dry. This was... difficult.
"I...don't have any explanation for what's been happening to me," she continued, "but I need you to believe in me. To trust me." She took a step closer, watching him closely now. "Can you do that?"
There was a long moment of silence. Chakotay stared wordlessly down at her. She didn't move and she met his gaze unblinkingly, afraid to look away. She needed him to believe her, she realized. She could face everything else, deal with these visions, Eidolon, anything...if only he believed in her. She held her breath.
"You're asking me for blind faith." His voice was strained.
"Yes."
The silence between them seemed to last forever this time. Finally he opened his mouth to respond...and without warning, the ship lurched violently, catapulting Janeway into his arms.
TO BE CONTINUED