Chapter 4 – Love and Hate
Tenel Ka paced the hallways of the palace restlessly, sheer boredom threatening to overwhelm her. She had tried using one of the palace's inner courtyards to practice with her lightsaber, but the curious and disapproving stares from those who gathered to watch her began to get under her skin, and in the end made her so uncomfortable that she had to quite. Under normal circumstances, Tenel Ka wouldn't have cared what the people thought, but at the moment she was uncomfortable and edgy. Again and again she tried to tell herself that she had made the right decision, that she was the wrong person to rule the Hapes cluster, and it had been in everyone's best interest that she refuse to take the throne. However deep in her heart, she couldn't shake the feeling that her decision had been cowardly, and based not on a wish to see that someone more qualified become the ruler, but on her own fear.
It was at times like this that Tenel Ka regretted never taking up a hobby. She could certainly use a distraction, but the only thing she could think of was doing calisthenics, and she had already spent so much time running around the perimeter of the palace that she knew if she saw those same walls and gardens one more time she would go insane. Remembering the distractions that had so intrigued her friends at the Jedi Academy, she spent a half an hour in the royal menagerie, trying to glean from the many different animals the same sense of peace and tranquillity that she knew it brought her friend Jacen Solo. However, all she got from the experience were dirty fingernails and a couple of bite marks. Given the ease with which Jacen handled his pets, and indeed all animals, it had never really occurred to Tenel Ka that not all little pets were entirely tame.
Next, she went down to the hanger bay to look at the ships, remembering how therapeutic this pursuit had always been for Jacen's twin sister Jaina. Tenel Ka herself had spent many hours with Jaina and their wookie friend Lowbacca making repairs to Tenel Ka's personal ship, the Rock Dragon, however without her two mechanically inclined friends, Tenel Ka found herself somewhat at a loss, and left the hanger bay in less then ten minutes.
An hour and a half of pacing later found her sitting in a plush, over-cushioned chair in her personal quarters, staring at the chrono. Neither propriety nor her own sense of duty would allow her to leave the planet and return to her partner until she had attended her mother's funeral, which was still a day and a half away. Tenel Ka found herself counting the seconds, and was just about to start doing some pushups when the door to her chamber opened, and her great grandmother walked in.
After a moment of staring open mouthed at the age-bent form of Augwynne, Tenel Ka jumped up and bowed deeply.
"Grandmother," she said, trying to keep the joy and relief out of her voice. "I didn't know you had arrived."
"Our shuttle docked less then ten minutes ago." The old woman answered. "They offered to notify you, but I thought I would come and speak to you directly instead." With that, she moved forward to embrace her great granddaughter, and Tenel Ka melted eagerly into the witch's arms.
"I didn't expect you to come this early" Tenel Ka said when they had broken apart. The antagonism between her two grandmothers' was intense, and therefore Augwynne preferred to spend as little time on Hapes as possible. That she had come more then a day early was a great surprise to Tenel Ka, who had been witness to the animosity between T'a Chume and Augwynne more then anyone else, as that animosity was usually concerning her.
"I came to make sure that the funeral is carried out according to the traditions of Dathomir." Augwynne answered. Inwardly, Tenel Ka raised her eyebrows, thinking of what T'a Chume would have to say about this. Well, she thought to herself, at least I will no longer be bored.
She was not disappointed. The argument between the two ancient rulers lasted the rest of the morning, and was heated enough to make the security surrounding T'a Chume nervous. Tenel Ka sat passively through it all, as happy to be entertained as she was not to be on the receiving end of either one of the two women's harsh tongues. It was a mark of how much T'a Chume disliked Augwynne that she even argued the point at all. After all, she had never been fond of her daughter in law, and probably wouldn't have cared at all if the body were shoved in a Dumpster somewhere and forgotten. But she was not about to let Augwynne have her way unchallenged, and in the end a compromise was made: Tenenial would be cremated on the traditional Hapan pier, but her body would be adorned in a manner befitting a warrior of Dathomir.
That settled, the two old women went their separate ways, Augwynne to her guest quarters to meditate, and T'a Chume to her own wing of the palace to seethe. Tenel Ka, once again bereft of distraction, began pacing the palace corridors again. Finally she decided to go back to the hanger bay, not to meddle with the ships, but to watch the mechanics make their repairs and diagnostics. Some of her happiest memories were of the seven of them, her, Jacen, Jaina, Lowbacca, Zekk, Raynar and Lusa, working on the Rock Dragon or the Lightning Rod, Zekk's battered old cargo ship. She had the idea that maybe watching mechanical aficionados would make her feel more at home, even though Jaina and Lowbacca where so far away.
To her surprise, the Dathomiran transport shuttle that had brought Augwynne and her attendants to Hapes was not the only addition to the palace hanger bay since Tenel Ka had last been there. A small, sleek ship sat on a landing pad near the entrance, and it looked distinctly familiar to Tenel Ka, although she couldn't quite place where she had seen it before. A flicker in the force caught her attention, and she turned to see a small figure heading her way, dressed in brown trousers and an off-white tunic. With a smile of recognition, Tenel Ka headed towards the figure, which was a good six inches shorter then she was.
"Leia!" she said leaning forward to hug the older woman. "I didn't expect you to come."
"How could I not?" Leia Organa Solo answered as she stepped back to look at Tenel Ka. "Your mother was a great friend of mine, and I mourn her passing with all of my heart." Tenel Ka nodded.
"Thank you." She said. "We are glad you came." Then a thought occurred to her, and her eyes lit up. "Did Jacen come with you?" she asked, looking back towards the ship.
"No," Leia answered, shaking her head. "He is with his Uncle right now. I haven't seen him in over three months, but I'm sure he sends his condolences, if he is aware of your loss." Tenel Ka nodded, unable to hide her disappointment. She hadn't seen her friend for almost a year now, and she hadn't realized how much she longed for someone to confide in, someone to assure her, as she knew Jacen would, that she had made the right choice in refusing to take the crown. Suddenly a thought occurred to her.
"Leia," she asked, "I would be grateful if I could talk to you for a moment."
Leia nodded slowly as she contemplated what Tenel Ka had told her. Tenel Ka watched her, unable to wipe the look of impatience from her features. She hadn't realized how desperately she needed to be reassured that she had made the right decision. Finally, Leia met the younger woman's gaze, and smiled warmly.
"I think it is very mature of you to make such a choice." She said, laying a hand on Tenel Ka's shoulder. "Not many people would have the strength to give up a chance to rule a star cluster. That you recognize you are not the best person to take up this burden says a great deal about your character, Tenel Ka." Tenel Ka smiled, relief flooding through her even though deep down inside she wasn't sure she really had made the choice for those reasons.
Leia patted Tenel Ka's knee. "Now," she said, standing up "I was wondering if I could speak to your father. I haven't seen him for more then three years."
"I'm sorry," Tenel Ka said, standing up beside the dark hared woman "He is still standing vigil over the body of my mother. His vigil will not end until tomorrow, before the funeral." Leia nodded, looking disappointed but not surprised. Tenel Ka suspected that after so many years of dealing with alien cultures and customs, there was very little that could surprise Leia Organa Solo.
They spent the rest of the afternoon talking in Tenel Ka's chambers. The young Dathomiran girl was eager to hear news of her friends Jacen and Jaina. Although Leia had little to report about Jacen, who she hadn't seen for two months, she had spoken to her daughter Jaina only three days ago, and was more then willing to tell Tenel Ka all she knew of the young pilots comings and goings. Tenel Ka was eager to hear it all, even though it only made her more and more nostalgic for the old days, when they were all young and carefree at the academy, and didn't even know of the existence of the Vong.
That evening Tenel Ka, Leia, Augwynne, and T'a Chume sat down to eat dinner in one of the smaller dining rooms reserved for more intimate dining with royal guests. Although conversation was still strained between T'a Chume and Augwynne, to Tenel Ka's surprise, her grandmother was nothing but cordial and pleasant to Leia. She had only seen them talk once before, when she had come with Leia to Hapes to entreat the Hapans to aid the New Republic in their struggle against the Yuuzhan Vong over three years ago. She had been too far away to see whether or not their discussion was polite or not, but had assumed, knowing her grandmother's dislike of the New Republic and Leia's family in general, that the conversation had been stiff and full of false smiles and compliments. However, seeing them up close, she saw nothing but genuine interest in her grandmother's face. Leia, for her part, was either enjoying the conversation, or better at acting then Tenel Ka would have thought possible. She had enough respect for Leia and her diplomatic skills not the rule out the possibility that she was simply hiding her dislike very effectively, but she couldn't shake the feeling that Leia was at ease in the company of T'a Chume. Much more so then Tenel Ka.
As the meal drew to a close, Tenel Ka became more and more uneasy. She was uncomfortable surrounded by the ornate finery of the dinning room, and even the solid and sturdy presence of Augwynne could not alleviate her disquiet. She looked out of place as well, and was startlingly aware of it. Normally she took perverse pleasure in the clash of her lizard hide clothing against the refined opulence of the Hapan palace, but now she just felt out of place and unwanted. She couldn't ignore the fact that Leia, in her simple yet elegant gown of muted gray, seemed perfectly at home in the palace, while she, its rightful heir, could not have seemed more foreign. She chided herself mentally, both for her mild resentment of Leia, and for forgetting that it had been she who had rejected her inheritance, not it her.
She went to sleep early that night, grateful that the day was over, and that this entire ordeal would be ending soon as well. Even as the thought entered her head, she felt horribly guilty. Since when had her mother's death ceased to be a tragedy and become an inconvenience? Yet no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't summon up the slightest bit of grief. All she could think was that she would soon be gone from the planet, and that now, surely, they would leave her alone and let her pursue her path as a Jedi unhindered.
She turned over on her back and looked up at the ceiling. The holographicly projected stars and moons stared serenely back at her. She tried to think of her mother, to summon up a memory that might shake the unfeeling cold that had settled over her. But as hard as she tried, she couldn't find one happy memory of her family all together. Even when they were at their vacation home at Reef Fortress Island, there had always been something, some unspoken tension or buried resentment underlying their every interaction. As she gazed up at the stars, her mind turned back to that night a few days after her sixth birthday, when her mother had found the mother of pearl hair clip her father had secretly given her when they were alone. She had been brushing her long red-gold hair in the mirror, and couldn't resist the urge to take the beautifully crafted heirloom out of its wooden box and insert it into her mane of fiery locks. She remembered admiring her reflection in the mirror, thinking how beautiful the swirls of the clip looked against her sunset tresses. Just then her mother had entered the room to wish her goodnight, and had seen the clip shinning in her daughter's hair. Tenel Ka remembered the cold look that had descended across her mother's features when she caught sight of the clip.
"Where did you get that?" She had asked, pointing her long index finger at Tenel Ka's head. Sensing her mother's anger, and feeling that she had done something wrong, Tenel Ka had cowered back in the small chair. When she didn't answer, Tenenial went forward and took the clip out of Tenel Ka's hair. Tenel Ka had winced as the clip tore out clumps of her hair as it went, but voiced no sound. Tenenial had looked at it for a moment, and then with an angry growl, she had tossed into the garbage bin and stalked out of the room calling Isolder's name.
Tenel Ka contemplated this memory as she looked at the stars, trying to sort out her own conflicted feelings. She had always loved her mother and wanted more then anything to make her proud, but she began to realize that she had feared the Dathomiran witch as well, feared her wrath and her disappointment. But it was more then fear which soured all of Tenel Ka's memories of her mother. Tenel Ka thought back to her feelings on the night Tenenial threw away the clip, and to her feelings in general about her mother, and realized that she had resented her greatly. She had always felt as if she had to prove something to her mother. And even when she surpassed all of Tenenial's expectations, becoming a Dathomiran warrior and a Jedi knight, she had still felt like she had never really achieved what was demanded of her.
Angrily, Tenel Ka turned over and shoved her hands underneath her pillow. Looking deep into her heart, she suddenly realized why she had resented her mother all of those years, without even knowing it. Even though Tenenial had spent a great deal of time with her daughter, much more then Leia had ever spent with Jacen and Jaina, Tenel Ka knew, she had never tried to get to know Tenel Ka. She wasn't interested in seeing what kind of person Tenel Ka became, she was only interested in molding Tenel Ka into the person she had wanted her to be.
Feeling suddenly restless, Tenel Ka got out of bed, rummaged around in her bags until she found her grappling hook, and climbed out the open window. Careful not to loose her balance on the narrow window ledge, she threw the hook up to the top of the palace roof, and with a practiced flick of her wrist, settled it on a stone outcropping. Her bare feet made almost no noise on the cool surface of the stone wall as she deftly climbed the rope. For a moment she reveled in the sensations permeating her body; the ripple of her muscles, the stone of the wall, the brush of a night breeze rustling in her hair. Too soon, the climb was over and she clambered over the stone outcropping on which her hook was securely caught.
The roof was entirely empty, a desolate expanse of gray stone. With cat-like grace despite her size, she settled herself cross-legged on the roof, her head tilting to gaze at the millions of star scattered across the night sky. She let out a deep sigh, and settled herself into the force to contemplate her feelings.
She had always known that her growth as an individual had been influenced by her surroundings. But she had believed that the overall outcome of who she was came from her alone, and not her environment. She viewed her choices as her own: her choice to pursue her Dathomiran heritage, her choice to enter the Academy, her choice not to get an artificial limb, and then her choice to get one, were all made without an outside influence. But for the first time in her life, Tenel Ka began to contemplate whether or not her choices had been as wise as she had thought. Given her newest revelation about her mother and herself, could she really be sure her decision to completely refute her Hapan traditions was not due at least in part o her mother's determination to see her do just that?
And what about her grandmother, T'a Chume. It had been no secret that she wanted Tenel Ka to follow her example, and become a proper Hapan princess. Tenel Ka had always hated her grandmother, but surely she had been mature enough to make her decisions irrelevant of her own bias. Hadn't she? Or was her dislike of Hapan tradition and culture simply a manifestation of her dislike for her grandmother?
The hours slipped by unnoticed as Tenel Ka sat deep in contemplation. The questions she was asking herself shook her to her very core, testing her in a way she had never been tested at any point in her unconventional education. As the sun began to peak out from beneath the horizon, she shook herself out of her reverie and stood up, wincing as her cramped legs unfolded. She dropped carefully down to the ledge of her window, turning once to view the spectacular sunrise before hopping lightly down into her room. After a quick shower, she came out of the refresher with a towel rapped around her, and caught sight of her reflection in the mirror.
On a sudden whim, she went to the bottom draw of her dresser and removed from under a pile of old socks a small wooden box. She took the box back to the mirror, opened it and took out the mother of pearl hair clip. It seemed to glow in her hand as she gently moved it to catch the light. She felt a sense of wonder bubble into her throat, and for a moment, she almost thought tears were welling in her eyes. In a quick motion, she put the clip back into its box, and began to close the lid. She stopped halfway, and examined her feelings, laughing silently to herself when she realized she had hastened to hide her treasure for fear of being discovered with the stolen present. Hesitantly, she removed her hands, and watched as the lid snapped back open, leaving the clip exposed on the table. She stood looking at it for a moment, and then reached out her other hand to pick up the brush that lay on the other side of the table. With its help, she began to untangle the many braids from her long red hair.
They ate breakfast in the same dining room where dinner had been served the previous evening. The meal was eaten in silence, as this was the day of Tenenial's funeral. Both Leia and T'a Chume wore black as a sign of mourning, but Tenel Ka and Augwynne were dressed in traditional Dathomiran warrior garb, as they would if attending a funeral on Dathomir. When they were finished eating, they all went to the open garden where the funeral would take place later that day.
The funeral pier had been all set up, and T'a Chume and Augwynne left together to oversee the preparations for the Procession of Mourning, each eager to find an excuse to start up their argument again. Leia came to stand beside Tenel Ka, and placed a small hand on the taller woman's flowing hair.
"I don't think I've ever seen you with your hair down." Leia said, smiling warmly. "It looks very becoming."
"Thank you." Tenel Ka said, not knowing what else to say. She wasn't good at answering compliments. She almost never received sincere ones, now that she and Jacen no longer saw each other on a regular basis. She and Leia stood in silence for a few minutes, but it was not an uncomfortable silence. Finally, Leia turned to leave with a few words about seeing Tenel Ka's father, and patted Tenel Ka on the shoulder before she departed. And then Tenel Ka was alone.
She turned to survey the garden, deprived of all its trimmings for the big event. Even without the benches and fountains, it was still beautiful, the flowers bright, the grass lustrous, with the blue sky overhead. For the first time since she had arrived on Hapes, Tenel Ka felt a moment of peace, standing there in the garden. She had refused to admit it to herself before, but she loved the environment on the planet of Hapes. Its temperature was just right, the gravity was perfect, and the plants were both wild and tame, a mixture that intrigued Tenel Ka.
Suddenly she realized that she had never really looked at the planet before. In all the years she had lived there, she had seen only the opulence and the finery of the palace. Even though she had be as surrounded by the peaceful glow of nature as she was by the gaudy flare of riches, for some reason she had never associated Hapes with beauty. Was that because she was blinded by the turmoil in her own family, she wondered? Angrily, she banished the thought and moved to leave the garden. But even as she stepped through the gate, she felt a sense of longing drawing her back, pulling her towards the planet. Her thoughts turned to her imminent departure, and to her surprise, she felt no sense of relief at the idea.
The funeral was long, somber and thoroughly boring. After her night of self-imposed vigil on the roof, Tenel Ka found it hard to keep from yawning as the procession carrying her mother's shrouded body made it's way from the crypt underneath the palace into the garden with the pier. At the head of the procession strode Isolder, head bent in proper submissive mourning. Tenel Ka and T'a Chume stood on opposite sides of the pier, with Augwynne standing behind it, arms raised and voice keening in a traditional Dathomiran death cry.
By the time the body finally arrived, carried on a stretcher by four muscular men wearing only loincloths, it had amassed quite a following. As was the tradition on Hapes, all of the funeral guests joined the procession in back of the corps itself instead of waiting beside the resting place as in some cultures. Only direct family members were allowed to precede the body. Tenel Ka could see Leia walking almost directly behind the four men, along with nobles and dignitaries from all of the planets in the Hapan cluster. Behind them came palace servants and guards, and after them came people from towns and cities throughout the planet, there to mourn their leader. Tenel Ka wondered how many of them were actually there out of sorrow for the death of their Queen Mother, and how many were simply there to be polite. Sensing she didn't want to know the answer, she refrained from reaching out through the force to touch the minds of the people there.
When the stretcher reached the pier, it was placed on top and the four men fanned out, two to each side to stand next to Tenel Ka and T'a Chume. Isolder took his place in front of the pier opposite Augwynne. In ancient times, the consort of the Queen Mother was burned along with her when she died. This was an outdated custom, however, and had been abandoned almost fifty years before the Hapans ever became associated with the New Republic.
Looking at the body of her mother, Tenel Ka could see that her face was adorned in the traditional Dathomiran fashion, and the shroud she war was made of tanned whuffa hide. Augwynne must have brought it with her from Dathomir. For a moment, there was silence save for Augwynne's eery cry. Then a small child no older then four standard years old came from between the ranks of the observers with a long thin torch, which she gave to Isolder. He took it from her with a small smile, then turned to the crowd and held it up over his head, holding the base with both hands. Augwynne ended her cry, and T'a Chume's voice rang out to break the silence.
"On this day of mourning," her voice rang out, "We bring Tenenial Djo, princess of Dathomir, Queen Mother of Hapes, mother of princess Tenel Ka Chume T'a Djo to the fire. May she watch over us from her place in the Court of the Dead."
With that, Isolder turned to the pier and touched the burning end of the torch to its base. It quickly caught on fire, and the flame spread to the rest of the pier and to the body that lay on top of it. Silently, the crowd began to filter out of the garden, first the watchers, then the servants, and then the nobility and dignitaries, and then even the four guards, until all that was left were the four members of Tenenial's immediate family.
They stood in silence while the body turned to ashes. Tears streamed down Augwynne's face, but try as she might, Tenel Ka could not seem to summon tears of her own. It was not only her customary reserve when it came to displaying emotions. She was genuinely sad that her mother had died, but for some reason she could not seem to feel the overpowering sense of loss that she knew a bereft child ought to feel at the loss of it's mother. She turned her head to look at her father, and was moved by the expression on his face. Like Tenel Ka he was not crying, and his face didn't even show signs of grief. He looked on the body of his dead wife with a soft fondness that penetrated his deep gray eyes.
Tenel Ka was not naïve enough to think her parents had had a happy marriage. They had married quickly, and more on a whim then on genuine feeling for each other. Tenenial had married Isolder on the rebound from her infatuation with Luke Skywalker, and Isolder had married Tenenial as a way to rebel against his mother. Tenel Ka knew that they hadn't hated each other, but they hadn't loved each other either, and as the years went on even their friendship had begun to fray apart. That he could look at her with such a look of fondness now, after so many years of hardship and so many arguments, spoke so much about her father's character that it brought a lump to Tenel Ka's throat. She felt a sudden burst of love for her father, who had always been there for her and supported her. After her long night of contemplation, she was able to appreciate how great and pure his love for her really was, and how different it was from her mother's love.
Tenel Ka turned back to look at her mother's body as the last recognizable remnants of it began to dissolve in the orange flames. She thought of all the times Tenenial had pushed her to defy her grandmother, and manipulated her child's mind into thinking one thing or another. She thought of the hair clip, sitting in its open box on her table. She thought of all the other things her mother had taken away from her, in order to shape her into exactly the type of person she wanted her to be. In a way, Tenel Ka thought, she was very much like my grandmother. Maybe that's why they didn't get along. It was a hard idea to stomach, for Tenel Ka had always viewed her grandmother as the personification of everything she had rejected. Coming to the realization that her mother had pushed her in much the same fashion, and had succeeded where her T'a Chume had failed forced Tenel Ka to admit that perhaps the decisions that had shaped her life had not been made for the best. Her thoughts returned to the hair clip, and to the garden in which she stood. Both were purely Hapan, and both, she suddenly realized, were as dear to her heart as her lightsaber. Tenel Ka returned her gray gaze back to the rapidly disappearing body of her mother, and felt a sense of peace wash over her, as she silently addressed the corpse.
You were not a very good mother, she thought at the body, her gray eyes steady. But you were not a horrible one either. You had your faults, same as every other person. I don't believe I'll miss you. But I don't resent you anymore, either. Perhaps someday, when I figure out who I really want to be, I'll be able to forgive you. For now, rest in peace.
Tenel Ka reached up a hand and ran it through her long red hair. She liked the feel of the smooth hair on her fingers. She liked the way it fell down across her back, silky and shimmering in the sunlight. Perhaps she wouldn't put the braids back in after all. She turned to look at Augwynne, at the woman's traditional Dathomiran dress and manner, and suddenly she felt her sense of peace evaporate. How could she even think that she had made the wrong decision? Dathomir was her heritage, her choice and her love. Suddenly a sense of rebellion overcame Tenel Ka as she looked back at the palace and her grandmother. No, she had not chosen poorly. She had not been merely following her mother's plan for her. She had chosen Dathomir because that was what she wanted. Hadn't she?
When the body was entirely burned, T'a Chume scooped the ashes into a crystal case, and took it into the crypt where it would rest beside the other crystal cases of the past Queen Mothers. Tenel Ka didn't see where Augwynne went. She walked into another one of the gardens, and sat down on a stone bench to watch one of the fountains. She felt the pull of the planet again, touching a place in her soul she had reserved only for the wide plains of Dathomir. After all, Hapan blood flowed through her veins just as surely as Dathomiran. Why should she not feel a connection to the planet? Even as she thought those thoughts, she felt a wave of fear pass over her. Had her entire life been nothing but a mistake? Had all her important decisions been entirely wrong? She felt like a lost little child then, drowning in a lake. What if they were wrong, what would she do then? She was twenty years old, much to old to be 'finding herself' as she believed the term went. Did she really want to reevaluate her entire personality? Could she, even if she wanted to?
Her father came and sat down beside her. He put his hands on her hair, running his fingers through it. "You know," he said, "I haven't seen you with your hair down like this since you were a little girl." She smiled back at him, basking in the warmth of his love. Still smiling, he let his hand fall into his lap, and then heaved a sigh. "You will want to leave this afternoon, I assume?" he asked, looking towards her.
"Actually," Tenel Ka said softly, "I was thinking about spending some time on Hapes. Spending some time with you, if that's all right."
"Thinking you might reconsider your decision about taking the throne?" he asked, something she couldn't quite decipher in his voice.
"No," she said, frowning slightly. "I thought…" for a moment she was uncertain, then she settled on a half truth. "I thought we might spend some time together. After all, I probably won't have a chance to be back here for a while. It would be a pity to leave so soon." That part was true, she did long to spend time with her father. But her wish to make sure she had made the right decisions for her life was even stronger. Surely, if she spent some more time on Hapes, the mysterious longing she felt would turn out to be merely a result of her extreme emotional state. She would go back to her life, all doubts set to rest. Still, she knew herself well enough to know that if she left now, without resolving these issues, she would never be able to fully concentrate on her duty. And a lack of concentration in times like these could get one killed. Absentmindedly, she reached her hand into her mane of hair, and began twisting some strands into a braid.