Disclaimer: Everything except the plot belongs to JK Rowling :)
"Isn't he cute?" Parvati Patil asked her best friend, Lavender Brown as she pointed to a handsome wizard on page 24 in that month's issue of Teen Witch Weekly.
"I SUPPOSE," Lavender said gingerly, wrinkling up her nose. "But HE's much better," she added, pointing to another wizard on page 25.
"Oh, no way!" Parvati argued. "B-bo-b," she stuttered, trying to read the name in big bold letters. If only I knew what B-o-b J-o-n-e-s spelled, she thought with a sigh.
"Anyway, this guy's soooo much cuter," she finished triumphantly.
"WHATEVER, Parvati!" Lavender shrieked. "If you think he's cuter, get your badly manicured hands off of my magazine!"
Parvati quickly lifted her hands from the magazine to examine her long, perfectly filed and painted pink nails. "They're PERFECT!" she said after a five minute long inspection.
"But pink polish is soooo five minutes ago!" Lavender protested, showing off her purple nails.
Parvati felt as if she had been slapped. "You take that back RIGHT THIS INSTANT, Lavender Brown!" she shouted.
"I WON'T!" Lavender yelled back.
"Will you two PLEASE be quiet? I'm trying to read about the reign of Grindelwald and the affect it had on the average of pupils that attended Hogwarts per year," Hermione snapped crossly from where she sat on her bed.
Parvati eyed Hermione, and a plan hatched in her tiny brain. "Well," she said triumphantly, "Hermione is my new best friend, then!"
Hermione looked as though she'd just been informed that she'd won tickets to an *NSYNC concert. "Uh, no, Parvati, really...you two can work it out, I-I'm sure!"
"This is BEYOND working out, Hermione," Parvati said, sending an evil glare at Lavender, who was still showing off her purple nails. "Or can I call you 'Mione? You know, seeing as we're best girlfriends now and all!"
"Er...I...guess," Hermione said, still looking as though she was about to be forced to endure countless hours of Justin, JC, Lance, Joey, and Chris.
"That's great!" Parvati exclaimed. She jumped up and ran over to Hermione's bed.
She looked at Hermione's short, unpainted (How scandalous! she thought in horror, then gave herself a mental pat on the back for using a word with more than 2 syllables) nails. "Why don't you paint your nails?"
Parvati suddenly looked excited. "I know! What about a...MAKEOVER!"
Hermione shook her head vigorously. "Uh, no. I don't think so!"
But Parvati seemed to have her mind made up. "We could do your hair, nails, makeup, pluck your eyebrows..." She paused. "What do you think?"
"I have a better idea," Hermione said quickly. "How about we read Hogwarts: A History? I'm on the most enthralling part: page 1324 has always been a favorite of mine. It covers the time period right after the four founders of Hogwarts passed away, and the sorting hat was first beginning to be used."
Parvati forced a smile, pretending that she knew what Hermione was talking about.
"Okay, that sounds great," she said. "But I still think it would be funner if me and you did makeovers!"
"You and I. Me and You is not correct English," Hermione corrected her in that tone that drove Ron to the brink of insanity. (Which he actually found quite attractive, but didn't know yet)
"Oh, I knew that!" Parvati giggled. "I just wanted to see if you knew that!" Highly pleased with her quick and suave solution, she burst into a fit of compulsive giggling.
Lavender stalked out of the room hollering," FINE! I don't need you. Be friends with her. I'll go find a new best friend, too!"
Parvati smirked. "As if anyone could stand her stupidity!"
Hermione snorted, but quickly covered it with a cough.
"Anyway, back to the makeover." Parvati turned her attention back to Hermione.
"Would you like dark purple or light purple nail polish?" She asked, hoping that Hermione could stand the pressure of having to choose in this crucial decision.
And it went on and on like this for hours with Parvati throwing in exaggerated comments like," You're soooo much more fun to hang out with than Lavender." or "It's nice to have a best friend with a brain bigger than a peanut for once."
As if SHE has a brain bigger than a peanut, Hermione thought, She's one to talk.
~*~
After an hour of what Hermione thought what truly must be Hell on earth, Parvati proudly escorted her into the common room.
Harry and Ron, who were playing wizard chess, each turned around after Parvati announced in a loud voice, "Presenting the new and improved Hermione...uh..." she dropped her voice to a whisper. "What's your last name again?"
"Supercalifragilisticaishbeealidocious," Hermione whispered back sarcastically.
"Oh, I knew that!" Parvati giggled. "Presenting the new and improved Hermione Supercalifragilisticaishbeealidocious!"
Hermione sighed in exasperation. "I was KIDDING," she hissed into Parvati's ear.
Ron's jaw practically dropped to the floor when his eyes fixed on the now pale-purple fingernailed, volumized-mascaraed, sterling-blue-eyeshadowed, snow-plum-blushed, pure-ivory foundationed, pink-princess lipsticked, sheer-ebony eyelinered, practically-drowned-with-Sleekeazys's-Hair-Potioned Hermione Granger...er, Supercalifragilisticaishbeealidocious.
"Whoa, Hermione!" he gasped. Harry and Hermione both looked at him curiously while Parvati glowed with pride-this girl was her CREATION! Well, actually, she was Mr. and Mrs. Supercalifragilisticaishebeealidocious's creation, but she didn't want to think about that. So she just pretended Hermione was her creation.
"What were you going to say, Ron?" Hermione prodded.
"Er..." Ron's ears had turned bright red. "You look...you...er...what's all that goop on your face?"
Hermione sighed. "I know, it looks horrible. I'll just go wash it off-I hate it."
"NO!" Parvati shrieked. "I CREATED you!"
Hermione, Ron and Harry all exchanged looks that clearly said that they were questioning her sanity.
Parvati, for once in her life, was intelligent enough to realize that she shouldn't have said that out loud, so she instead said, "I mean...please keep it on?! Pleeeease? 'Cause we're best friends and all?"
Ron and Harry couldn't hold back laughter at that comment.
"Fine," Hermione sighed, now looking as though she was being forced to endure Britney Spears as well.
"Great!" Parvati grinned broadly. "I know! I'll go up to the dorm room and get the newest issue of Teen Witch Weekly! We can look through it together!"
"Er...great," Hermione said. Aaron Carter had been added to the group.
"Be right back, BEST FRIEND!" Parvati emphasized the last two words and shot a dirty look at Lavender, then skipped back up to the dormitory complimenting herself on how brilliant she had handled the Lavender situation.
"Um, Hermione?" Harry asked through his laughter. "Since when are you and Parvati "best friends"?"
"Long Story. Lavender and Parvati had a fight..over nail polish." Hermione informed them.
"Ahhh, nail polish," Ron smirked. He continued in a high tone. "Harry, can I borrow your beautiful pink sparkly nail polish?"
"No, Ron!" Harry squeaked.
"I LOATHE you, Harry! Don't ever speak to me again!" Ron shrieked in an ear-piercing tone.
"I won't!" Harry squealed back.
"Fine! HERMIONE is my best friend now." Ron declared.
"That was pretty much it," Hermione said with a laugh. "Except the word 'loathe' is most likely not in Parvati's vocabulary. Anyway, to make a long story short-" she sighed as if the Backstreet Boys had too joined the little 'drive-Hermione-out-of-her-mind' concert, "-we're now 'best friends'."
"Why don't you just tell her that you already have best friends?" Harry suggested simply.
"Er...uh...um..." Ron contributed helpfully, still mesmerized by Hermione.
"I doubt Parvati would listen to that," Hermione said. "All I know is that we have to get out of here before she comes back or I'll go insane."
"And go WHERE, exactly?" Ron asked after he'd once again mastered the talent of speech.
"I don't know," Hermione said, perhaps for the first time in her life. Ron and Harry paused to get this historic event down in writing, then let her continue. "Let's just leave!"
"How about Moaning Myrtle's bathroom?" Harry suggested.
"Fine," Hermione sighed. "I'd rather face Moaning Myrtle than Parvati."
So the three of them quickly left the common room (complete with somersaults, music, and hands made into the shapes of guns-in true James Bond fashion), just as Parvati entered again, humming brightly and flipping through Teen Witch Weekly.
"Hey," she said, puzzled after her eyes scanned the common room. "Why did you guys turn invisible?"
"They're not invisible, STUPID," Lavender said haughtily. "They left to get away from you."
"Oh," Parvati said brightly with a smile. "Where'd they say they were going-I'd better go catch up or they might get mad."
"I think they'd be a little mad at me if I told you that they went to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom," Lavender said coolly.
"Fine!" Parvati said. "I'll just go look for them myself, seeing as you're not willing to help!"
"I'm glad I didn't tell her," Lavender murmured to herself. "I'm never helping that ditz with anything again."
~*~
Parvati didn't suck up shamelessly in divination for nothing. As she walked down the hall, humming the new Celestina Warbeck (?) (a witch version of Britney Spears), her aura suddenly hit her full blast.
"I KNOW! They're in MOANING MYRTLE'S BATHROOM!" she shrieked, then burst into a full round of applause for herself. Passersby eyed her uneasily, but she ignored them. Two hours and 50 Hogwarts bathrooms later, she reached Moaning Myrtle's bathroom triumphantly. "I knew it was here all along," she said to herself.
Parvati swung open the door, still feeling a huge amount of self-pride...it wasn't every day that she was so brilliant.
MY NEW best friend, Hermione, must be rubbing off on me, she thought as she entered the bathroom.
"How long do we have to stay here, Hermione?" Ron moaned.
"As long as we have to," Hermione said. "I just NEED to get away from that stupid ditz."
"I can't blame you," Harry said. "If I was in your situation, I'd be considering suicide."
Who, oh who could they be talking about? Parvati wondered.
"Hello? You guys? It's me...Parvati!" Parvati called into the bathroom.
"Oh, great," Hermione muttered. "I mean, um..." her tone brightened considerably. "Oh, GREAT!"
"Who were you guys talking about?" Parvati asked.
"Oh..." Hermione said. "Um...uh..."
"Uh..." Ron continued.
"You were talking about ME, weren't you?" Moaning Myrtle appeared from one of the stalls, practically in hysterics.
"Yes, yes, exactly!" Hermione said quickly. "We were talking about you, Myrtle!"
"It's all right, Myrtle," Parvati said comfortingly. She then turned her tone down to a stage whisper. "Hermione, that wasn't very nice."
"No, no, it wasn't," Hermione agreed. "I'm not a nice person at all. You shouldn't be around me. EVER."
"Yeah, she's a bad influence," Ron added. "As a matter of fact, we only hang out with her because we're paid. We-"
Hermione elbowed him in the stomach, then turned to Myrtle, who was crying so hard she could have landed a part on a soap opera. "I'm sorry, Myrtle," she said. "That was very rude and inconsiderate of me."
"You don't mean that!" Myrtle said. "You hate me, I know it!"
"Oh dear," Hermione muttered.
"Everybody hates me!" she continued, positively shaking with sobs. "Let's all make fun of Myrtle, just because she's DEAD!"
And with that she disappeared back into a stall and they heard a loud splashing sound.
"Myrtle, no!" Parvati screamed. "Suicide is not the answer! Don't drown yourself!"
"Parvati, she's already DEAD!" Ron reminded her impatiently.
"Oh yeah," Parvati said, giggling. "I knew that. I was just seeing if YOU knew that."
"You do that a lot," Hermione said dryly.
"I know. I like to make sure you guys are um, uh....SMART." Parvati replied, glancing at Hermione.
She giggled again. And Hermione sighed, sensing a pattern.
(pattern, for those of you who aren't so quick: Say something stupid, get corrected, pretend you knew, giggle A LOT)
"Anyway, guys," Parvati said, her face fixed into such a solemn expression that all three of them had to struggle not to laugh. "We should be nicer to Myrtle. So are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I dunno," Ron said. "Are you thinking 'Wow, she can THINK??!!'"
Harry and Hermione burst into laughter, then quickly covered their hands with their mouths. Parvati sat, trying desperately to figure out the joke.
Oh well, she thought, finally giving up. She burst into hysterical giggles as well.
Five minutes later, Parvati was still sitting, shaking with laughter while Harry, Hermione, and Ron looked at her in exasperation.
Finally, with tears in her eyes, Parvati stopped laughing. "That was sooo funny, Ron. You're so hil-hi-hilari-"
"Hilarious?" Hermione supplied.
"Yeah, that one word!" Parvati high-fived her. "You go, 'Mione!"
"Er...ooookay, go me," Hermione said unsurely.
"And you're cute, too," Parvati said, turning back to Ron and fluttering her eyelashes vigorously at him. Sure, he wasn't as cute as the guy on page 24-what the hell did b-o-b j-o-n-e-s spell anyway??-but he was cute. And Lavender would be soooo totally jealous if she got a new boyfriend.
"Are you suffering a muscle spasm or something?" Ron asked, backing away.
"Muscle spasm? What's that?" Parvati asked curiously. She thought intensely, which was very, very hard work. Finally, feeling as though she'd just gotten back from a day at the gym, she said, "Oh, I know what it is NOW! "Isn't that a new band? The lead singer, he's sooooooo hot, isn't he, 'Mione?"
"I prefer classical," Hermione said. "And it's not a band."
"What is it then?" Parvati asked. She giggled. "I know there is a new band called something like that! I should ask Lavender."
Then she obviously remembered they weren't speaking because she made a face.
"Not that SHE would know. SHE doesn't even get Teen Witch Weekly! I have to let her borrow it."
"Anyway, what DOES it mean?" Parvati asked.
"A muscle spasm is a rapid, unexpected movement of a muscle." Hermione told her, sighing.
Gosh. I've learned so much from them already! it's like having dic-di- those things that tell you what words mean for friends. I bet Lavender hasn't learned a thing from her new friends, maybe how to spell her name. But I doubt that. I couldn't teach her, and I'm really smart!
"Anyway, back to my plan," Parvati said in a loud whisper. "It's really brilliant, and I wanna make sure you guys won't feel inferior that you didn't think of it and I did when I tell it to you."
"Oh, we'll try not to," Harry said.
"All right," Parvati said, "My plan is that..." she paused dramatically. "We be nice to Moaning Myrtle!"
Ron gasped. "That's an amazing plan! I can't believe I didn't think of it."
"Well, don't even THINK of stealing it," Parvati warned. "I'm getting it dittorighted."
"Don't you mean copyrighted?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I knew that!" Parvati said cleverly. "I was just seeing if YOU knew that!"
And with that she burst into giggles.
~*~
"Hey, you guys!" Parvati approached them in the common room later that evening.
Hermione forced an obviously (to everyone but Parvati) fake smile, Harry groaned, and Ron began repeatedly banging his head on the table where he was doing his homework.
"What's wrong Ron?" she asked flirtatiously. "Are YOU having a muscle spasm?" She added, sure that they'd all be impressed with her vast knowledge of medical terms.
"No," he muttered, reluctantly lifting his head up.
"Anyway, I've made these little handouts," she said, handing them each a piece of paper covered in sparkly pink writing. "They're sheets saying different ways we can be nice to Myrtle."
"Oh goody," Ron said accepting his paper.
Hermione read number one. "Stopp bye Moneing Mertls Bathrume be4 and in betwene al klazez"
"Er...this is a really wonderful plan, Parvati," she said, trying to decipher the awfully spelled sentence.
"Oh, I know!" She told them. "I thought of everything myself."
"I...noticed," Harry said weakly as he read over number two. "komplamint here wenevur yuu cee here"
"That one is my favorite!" She excitedly pointed a finger at number four.
"wen shee semes kompleetlee devistayted, awfer komferting werds andd frases like "lipglos iss goode four the sole" or "ther is no problum that makeupp and a kute gye kant ficks"
"It's brilliant," Hermione said with a phony smile. "Completely brilliant."
"You think so?" Parvati asked with a big smile. "You're the BEST best friend EVER, 'Mione!"
Lavender glared at them from the armchair where she sat.
"Er...thanks, Parvati," Hermione said slowly. "Now I have to...um...finish my essay for Potions. So maybe could you give me a little quiet time?"
"Sure, bestest friend in the whole entire world!" Parvati shot a look at Lavender. That would teach HER not to insult her fingernails!
Lavender pranced over to Parvati. "Having fun with the walking dic-di-thing that tells you the meaning of words?" She asked smugly.
"YES!" Parvati said haughtily. "She's a LOT funner to be around than YOU!"
"I bet she is. Does she know about the newest band, Hussle Spasm?" Lavender demanded.
"No!" Parvati said. "Hermione and I are much too adult and lessony-"
"Classy," Hermione hissed.
"-classy to listen to stupid bands like Hussle Spasm. WE-" she linked her arm through Hermione's, "-Listen to classical."
Lavender giggled. "You listen to classical? Isn't that really old stuff?"
"Er...um...uh..."
Hermione cut in impatiently. "Classical music, like wine, becomes more valuable and enjoyable with age."
"YEAH!" Parvati added cleverly.
Lavender went into a fit of giggles at Hermione's saying.
"Is it just me, or does that seem familiar?" Harry whispered to Ron.
She walked away giggling and muttering, "Wine."
"Imbecile," Hermione muttered under her breath.
"Yeah," Parvati added, "Imbecile." She wondered what that meant. Maybe she could look it up in one of those dican-di-word books. She was sure Hermione had one, and of COURSE she'd let her borrow it. They WERE best friends, after all.
And of course she would let Hermione use Teen Witch Weekly is she needed a good read- well needed to look a good pictures.
"Parvati, I really should go and get to work on my History of Magic essay now," Hermione said hastily.
"Wasn't it a Potions essay?" Parvati asked, showing a shred of intelligence for one of the first times in her life. She burst into a round of enthusiastic applause for herself, then let Hermione answer.
"Well...yeah...I have, er, two," Hermione invented.
"Two?" Parvati asked. "Oh, that's, like, one plus one, isn't it?"
"Bravo, bravo," Ron said dryly.
~*~
The next day, Hermione awoke to find that Parvati wasn't in her bed.
"Maybe she's been kidnapped or something," she muttered to herself. "What a shame that would be."
She, Ron, and Harry went through classes that day blissfully Parvati free. However, they should have known that the excellent blessing wouldn't last.
"Hey, look," Hermione said when they got back to the common room after classes. Sitting on the table in sparkly pink ink was a folded up note that read "Hermyownee" on it.
"Gee, I wonder who that could be from," Harry said in mock curiosity.
Hermione reluctantly unfolded the note. It read, "Deer Hermyownee, Haree, and Rawn.."
How can you misspell RON?" Ron asked, aghast as he read over Hermione's shoulder.
"This girl has a brain the size of a peanut," Hermione reminded him. "Her ditziness is something that most think a human wouldn't be capable of."
"Good point," Ron said. The three of them went back to reading the note.
"I hav a supryse for yuu. com too Moneing Mrtle's bathrume as sune as yuu git thiss. ~Parvati"
"She can spell her name! Maybe we don't give her enough credit," Harry said thoughtfully.
Walking at a speed to rival a snail's, the three students left the common room (this time without the suave and adventurous James Bond moves) and headed towards the bathroom.
When Hermione pushed open the door, with an expression on her face that looked as though she was being forced to go into *NSYNC's dressing room, and walked inside, she gasped. The whole entire bathroom was pink.
"Hey guys!" Parvati giggled. "You like it?"
"How did you do this, exactly?" Hermione asked, running one of her fingers on the wall. When she lifted it, the tip of her finger had turned pink. It smelled strangely like lipstick...
"I took ALL of Lavender's lipstick and painted the walls," Parvati said triumphantly. She motioned to the huge pile of empty lipstick tubes that lay in the middle of the room. "She won't be wearing pink chiffon, ice princess, strawberry creme, shocking pink, raspberry frost, watermelon smoothie, pretty in pink, pink-a-boo, pink splash, tickled pink, cotton candy, think pink, pale rose..."
Hermione, Ron, and Harry were forced to sit for another hour while Parvati rattled off the various shades of pink that Lavender's lipstick had been before it had been transferred to the walls.
Finally Parvati paused. "So, do you like it?"
"It's...er...pink," Hermione said finally.
"Really, ya think so?" Parvati looked simply thrilled. "That's JUST what I was going for!"
"You don't say?" Hermione said weakly.
Parvati beamed at Ron and Harry. "Do you guys like it too?"
"It's...um...uh..." Harry stuttered.
"What does Moaning Myrtle think?" Ron asked, dodging the question.
If word got around that Harry and Ron liked an all-pink bathroom, well-Ron shuddered-he didn't even want to think about it.
"Oh. She just loves it! Pink was her favorite color! Did you know that?"
"I think it's lovely that someone would destroy so much lipstick for me," Myrtle said, for once not in tears as she exited a stall.
Parvati grinned at Myrtle. "We're friends! And besides, it's just LAVENDER's lipstick. She won't miss it!" Then she giggled.
Myrtle smiled at Parvati, then turned to Ron, Harry, and Hermione. "You three would NEVER do that for me!" she said. She then burst into tears again and disappeared back into the stall.
"Look what you did!" Parvati pouted."Myrtle! Myrtle, come back!"
"Oops," Hermione said weakly. "You know," she added quickly. "I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to stop being my best friend because I did that...you could be best friends with Myrtle!"
Parvati smiled at her. "No, I know you're sorry."
"How can you be so sure?" Hermione asked quizzically.
"Because we're best friends, 'Mione! I know you're sorry!" She engulfed Hermione in a quick hug.
She then disappeared into the bathroom stall after Myrtle. "Myrtle, Myrtle, come back! You KNOW they didn't mean it! Now come out and admire this lovely pink bathroom!"
Hermione sighed deeply. "All my attempts to get her to leave me alone are failing! What do I do?"
"Well," Harry began. "Maybe she doesn't get your hints."
"Yeah," Ron agreed. "She is pretty dense."
"Maybe you should do something less subtle," Harry suggested. "You could have 'LEAVE ME ALONE, PARVATI, YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!' put on a t-shirt, and then you could wear it all the time."
"That's FOOLISH, Harry," Hermione said. "For one thing, you have to wear black robes at Hogwarts-it's the rules-"
"And Heaven forbid that Hermione ever break a rule," Ron muttered.
"-and two, she probably can't read," Hermione finished.
"Why not just say LEAVE ME ALONE, PARVATI, YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!" Ron suggested.
Hermione frowned.
"That would be so mean! I couldn't do that." She said.
"Well, put it in a nicer way." Harry replied. "That way she'll get the picture and you won't hurt her feelings."
"After all," Ron said. "She's not Myrtle. She doesn't pick at your words until she can believe that you mean 'I hate you' when you say hello."
"Okay, I'll try to talk to her," Hermione sighed as Parvati came out of the stall.
"Guess what our next mission is to cheer Myrtle up?!" Parvati cried.
"What?" Hermione asked wearily.
"We're going to get her a boyfriend!!!" Parvati exclaimed, then shrieked in delight and began to clap her hands.
"Oh, yes, I always thought she and Nearly Headless Nick would look simply fabulous together," Ron said sarcastically.
"Really?" Parvati asked, frowning slightly. "I thought Peeves was more her type."
"Peeves?" Hermione asked skeptically. "He's awful to her!"
"Boys only tease the girls they like," Parvati said in a matter-of-fact tone. "First thing when we get back to the common room, we're reading Teen Witch Weekly!"
"Okay," Hermione said uncertainly.
"How exactly are we supposed to set them up?" Ron demanded.
"Well, I'm still working stuff out! I'm not sure yet." Parvati told Ron impatiently.
That's why you guys are for." She added with a giggle.
They all looked less than thrilled to help set up a B-movie type romance between two ghosts.
"Honestly, Parvati. I'm not sure this is a good idea." Hermione told her.
"Why not? I think it' mar-marv-" Parvati worked to think of the word.
"Marvelous!" Harry exclaimed.
"Really? You think so?" She said excitedly. "I think it's...that word too!"
Harry began taking deep breaths in and out, and his hands were clenched into fists.
"Remember, she's a girl," Ron whispered into his ear. "We don't punch girls. It's an unwritten law!"
"She's not a girl," Harry muttered back. "Girls have BRAIN CELLS."
"Why are you two whispering?" Parvati demanded. "Friends don't keep secrets!"
"Er...well, maybe you shouldn't consider us friends," Harry suggested quickly.
"What? It's not that big of a deal!" She giggled. "You would almost think you guys want me to stop being friends with you!"
"Isn't that funny?" Parvati asked. She giggled again.
Hermione, Ron, and Harry forced out sounds that resembled barks more than laughter.
Parvati smiled. "Luckily, I know you guys are just insecure about losing my friendship."
"I understand. It's ok. You don't have to explain!" She added quickly.
"But I am not going to run back to LAVENDER!" Parvati said Lavender's name in a disgusted voice. "So, we can be friends for a long, long time!"
She grinned. "Aren't you guys relieved?" She prodded.
"Er...I don't know what to say. I'm just so...relieved." Hermione told her with a forced smile.
Parvati nodded knowingly. "Let's go back to Gryffindor. And think about Myrtle and Peeves!"
"Actually, I have to...go," Harry told her apologetically.
"Oh. That's a shame. Where?" Parvati asked.
"Um, I promised I'd eat dinner with someone. Ron did too." Harry said.
"Ok. Well, see you guys. Come on 'Mione!" Parvati ordered. "It's going to be an all-girls bonding session!"
"Yippee," Hermione said with forced enthusiasm. *NSYNC suddenly didn't seem like such torture...
"To tell you the truth, I'm glad to be rid of those boys. We can't do half the girl things I have planned with them around!" Parvati confided to Hermione in a whisper as they left the bathroom.
"Oh. Really? Girl stuff..." Hermione repeated.
Parvati rambled on and on about the "girl stuff" she planned.
"To tell you the truth, I'm not all that into girl stuff," she said uneasily.
Parvati looked puzzled. "You aren't? Why not?" She thought for a moment, then gasped. "Hermione, you're not a lesbian, are you?"
"NO!" Hermione practically shouted.
"It's okay if you are," Parvati assured her. "You're STILL better than Lavender. Just don't hit on me."
"I AM NOT A LESBIAN!" Hermione yelled. The few people that littered the corridors looked at her questioningly. "Oh dear," she murmured.
Life with Parvati was just getting better and better.
~*~
"Isn't this just SOOOOOOOO much fun?" Parvati giggled as she flipped through Teen Witch Weekly. She'd just finished making Hermione read the article on mascara spells, then tried them out on her.
"Tons," Hermione muttered.
"What should we talk about now?" Parvati said. She then let out a loud giggle. "I KNOW! BOYS!"
"Whoop-dee-doo," Hermione contributed weakly.
"Sooo...who do you like?" Parvati asked, her heavily-mascaraed eyes shining.
"No one," Hermione answered quickly.
Parvati sighed. "Are you suuuure? Everyone has to like someone."
"Well, I DON'T," Hermione snapped.
"Yes you do," Parvati said teasingly.
"No I don't!"
"Yes you do!"
"No I don't!"
"Yes you do!"
"No I don't!"
This continued on for ten minutes, and finally Parvati shouted triumphantly, "You like RON!"
"How did you know that?" Hermione asked, then immediately said, "I mean, NO I don't!"
Parvati giggled. "You admitted it!" She shrieked.
"This is great!" Parvati exclaimed over-enthusiastically.
"Fabulous," Hermione muttered.
"Well, you KNOW what we have to do now, don't you?" Parvati asked.
"No, no, no, I don't think I do," Hermione said. "And I don't think YOU know either-"
"Of course I do!" Parvati cried. "We have to get you guys together!"
This is a BRILLIANT plan, Parvati thought, highly pleased with herself. She sighed and pictured Ron and Hermione-now, what was something REALLY original and romantic? I know! Parvati thought excitedly, then mentally pictured Ron and Hermione standing on a ship with Hermione shrieking, "I'm flying, I'm flying!"
Parvati quickly and excitedly explained the plan to Hermione.
"So we have to GET A SHIP, I have to go stand on it and yell 'I'm flying, I'm flying' with Ron's arms wrapped around my waist, and THEN we have to deal with the lawsuits from the people who made Titanic and already kind of TOOK that idea??" Hermione asked.
So for the next hour and ten minutes and thirteen seconds, Parvati came up with different romantic scenarios and Hermione told her that they'd been done.
Finally, Parvati cried triumphantly, "You guys could ride a Shooting Star broomstick into the Forbidden Forest and you'll ALMOST get eaten alive by the creatures that live in there, but Ron will save you and then you'll go have a romantic rendevous in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom!"
Hermione thought this idea over while Parvati applauded herself for being so smart. She had thought of a romantic scenario that hadn't been taken!!!!!
I could write ROMANCE NOVELS! she thought happily.
However, her giddiness was shattered when Hermione said, "Well, to tell you the truth Parvati, I don't really ENJOY flying, and the Forbidden Forest is...well, forbidden. And Moaning Myrtle's bathroom isn't all that romantic."
"Pink is a romantic color!" Parvati protested, pouting.
"I'm just...not very impressed with that idea," Hermione said.
"Oh, okay," Parvati smiled again. "This could be a problem, we may need some help..."
"We could just forget about it!" Hermione said brightly.
"Naaah, we'll go to my mentor!" Parvati cried.
"And exactly who is your mentor?"
"Professor Trelawney, of course!" Parvati giggled. "She's, like, so cool."
Hermione almost fainted at this. Go to Trelawney about her love life??
"No, no, no, no, no, no," Hermione said quickly. "We shouldn't be bugging Professor Trelawney-"
"Oh no. She won't mind at all!" Parvati reassured, well she thought she reassured, Hermione.
"I'm sure she will!" Hermione said. "She's a very, er, important and wonderful teacher-" Hermione made a mental note to wash her mouth thoroughly out with soap, "-and we shouldn't be bugging her with petty things like that."
"Professor Trelawney LOVES pretty things!" Parvati exclaimed.
"No, not pretty, I said pet-" Hermione started, then just went quiet. What was the use?
"C'mon, let's go!" Parvati yanked on her arm.
"All right, I'll be...right there," Hermione said. "I'm just going to go wash my face."
"Okay," Parvati grinned. She and Lavender had always went to visit Professor Trelawney. NOW she was taking her NEW best friend to see her. She hoped Lavender was there, just to make her feel jea-jilius? jalus? Oh well. To make her feel bad.
Parvati skipped happily all the way up to the Divination classroom, but when she entered it she found that Lavender was already sitting at a table around a crystal ball with her beloved teacher.
"Ahhhh, I knew you would be coming," Professor Trelawney said in her misty voice.
"REALLY, Professor Trelawney?" Parvati asked in amazement. "I wish I was as gifted as you were!'
"You will be soon." Professor Trelawney predicted. "You have inner-eye vibes."
"You MEAN it, Professor? Thank you!" Parvati cried. "Anyway, my BEST FRIEND, 'MIONE, will be here soon."
"Ah, Miss Patil, Miss Granger is not your best friend!" Professor Trelawney said quickly, hoping that she wouldn't have to face that snotty, know-it-all brat who saw through her psychic act like Jennifer Lopez's dress at the Grammys. "Miss Brown here is still your best friend, the orb tells me so. You two just need to work out your differences."
"Really?" Parvati asked.
"Really?" Lavender asked.
"REALLY!" Professor Trelawney confirmed, nodding her head vigorously.
"So we're still best friends?" Parvati asked.
"Yes, yes, the best of friends," Professor Trelawney said. Her misty tone was back.
"Oh," Lavender giggled. "Sorry, Parvati. I thought we WEREN'T best friends. But Professor Trelawney is never wrong."
"Yeah," Parvati agreed. "'Mione, well, Hermione wasn't that fun to hang out with anyway. She always wanted to read Hogwarts: A History, and she likes CLASSICAL music!" Parvati dropped her tone and whispered into Lavender's ear. "And if it wasn't for that Ron Weasley, I'd be POSITIVE she was a lesbian."
Lavender giggled. "What do you mean if it wasn't for Ron Weasley?"
And the two girls settled down for a MAJOR gossip session while Professor Trelawney sighed in relief.
~*~
"Hey, you know what?" Parvati said a few minutes later. "I should go tell Hermione, Ron, and Harry that you're my best friend again."
Lavender sighed heavily. "They'll probably be devastated, but it's the right thing to do, Parvati."
"I know," Parvati replied, hoping that Ron, Harry, and especially Hermione survive the shock and tragedy of not having her as a friend any longer.
"What did you do without me anyway?" Parvati asked Lavender.
"Oh," Lavender giggled. "I hung out with Dean and Seamus, and guess what?"
"What?" Parvati asked quickly.
"He KISSED me!" Lavender squealed. "We're 'going out'!"
"Aaaah!" Parvati cried. "Do you think that you could fix me up with Dean-he's kinda cute!"
"Sure." Lavender giggled. "We could double date!"
"Great!" Parvati said with a huge smile. "Well...I should go find Hermione, Ron, and Harry and tell them."
"Okay," Lavender said. "Hurry back!"
"I will!" Parvati said to her best friend.
~*~
"Do you know where Hermione, Ron, and Harry are?" Parvati asked Neville Longbottom once she reached the Gryffindor common room and saw that they weren't there (and had come to the conclusion that they weren't invisible).
"They said something about going to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, I think," Neville replied.
"Oh, okay. I should have known." Parvati said with a giggle (her sentences just didn't SEEM complete without them!), heading in the direction of Myrtle's bathroom.
Parvati felt sorry for Hermione, Ron, and Harry-they obviously all adored her work on the now-gorgeous bathroom so much, and wanted to stay there all the time because it reminded them of her! "They'll probably cry every time they enter it after this," she said solemnly to herself.
When she reached the bathroom and swung open the door, the first thing she heard was Myrtle's excited chatter. "And you guys can stay in here with me-when you're not haunting her, of course."
"What's going on?" Parvati asked, walking into the bathroom. A very odd sight lay before her-Hermione was standing with a knife pointed at her heart, a look of almost crazed annoyance on her face, Ron was slinging a rope around his neck, and Harry had his head positioned over the sink, which was full.
"Oh, nothing," Hermione said quickly.
"You know you guys, you really should be careful," she said. "You could KILL yourselves doing careless things with knives and ropes and around water!"
"Oh, thanks for the warning Parvati, we would NEVER want to do that," Ron said sarcastically.
"Now can you please LEAVE?" Harry asked impatiently. "We have some business to take care of."
"I'm afraid this can't wait," Parvati said solemnly. "I have something to tell you."
"What?" Hermione asked impatiently. She was sure Parvati must have lost her brush or something.
How tragic that would be.
"Lavender Brown is now my best friend again," Parvati said in a serious tone. "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to spend more time with her-I probably won't see you guys anymore."
"What a...shame," Hermione said, dropping the knife to the floor with a clatter and grinning broadly.
Parvati giggled with relief, glad Hermione took the news so well. It was almost like she wanted this to happen. But of course, that was impossible.
She WAS Parvati Patil, after all.
Hermione must just be a very good actress, she said to herself as she left the bathroom, oblivious to the cheers and shouts of joy coming from inside of it.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading-kudos to you if you got this far! Now please review :) Also, if you happen to be a fan of Parvati, we're just REALLY, REALLY overexaggerating her personality, we don't mean to offend anyone who likes her and Lavender :)
"Isn't he cute?" Parvati Patil asked her best friend, Lavender Brown as she pointed to a handsome wizard on page 24 in that month's issue of Teen Witch Weekly.
"I SUPPOSE," Lavender said gingerly, wrinkling up her nose. "But HE's much better," she added, pointing to another wizard on page 25.
"Oh, no way!" Parvati argued. "B-bo-b," she stuttered, trying to read the name in big bold letters. If only I knew what B-o-b J-o-n-e-s spelled, she thought with a sigh.
"Anyway, this guy's soooo much cuter," she finished triumphantly.
"WHATEVER, Parvati!" Lavender shrieked. "If you think he's cuter, get your badly manicured hands off of my magazine!"
Parvati quickly lifted her hands from the magazine to examine her long, perfectly filed and painted pink nails. "They're PERFECT!" she said after a five minute long inspection.
"But pink polish is soooo five minutes ago!" Lavender protested, showing off her purple nails.
Parvati felt as if she had been slapped. "You take that back RIGHT THIS INSTANT, Lavender Brown!" she shouted.
"I WON'T!" Lavender yelled back.
"Will you two PLEASE be quiet? I'm trying to read about the reign of Grindelwald and the affect it had on the average of pupils that attended Hogwarts per year," Hermione snapped crossly from where she sat on her bed.
Parvati eyed Hermione, and a plan hatched in her tiny brain. "Well," she said triumphantly, "Hermione is my new best friend, then!"
Hermione looked as though she'd just been informed that she'd won tickets to an *NSYNC concert. "Uh, no, Parvati, really...you two can work it out, I-I'm sure!"
"This is BEYOND working out, Hermione," Parvati said, sending an evil glare at Lavender, who was still showing off her purple nails. "Or can I call you 'Mione? You know, seeing as we're best girlfriends now and all!"
"Er...I...guess," Hermione said, still looking as though she was about to be forced to endure countless hours of Justin, JC, Lance, Joey, and Chris.
"That's great!" Parvati exclaimed. She jumped up and ran over to Hermione's bed.
She looked at Hermione's short, unpainted (How scandalous! she thought in horror, then gave herself a mental pat on the back for using a word with more than 2 syllables) nails. "Why don't you paint your nails?"
Parvati suddenly looked excited. "I know! What about a...MAKEOVER!"
Hermione shook her head vigorously. "Uh, no. I don't think so!"
But Parvati seemed to have her mind made up. "We could do your hair, nails, makeup, pluck your eyebrows..." She paused. "What do you think?"
"I have a better idea," Hermione said quickly. "How about we read Hogwarts: A History? I'm on the most enthralling part: page 1324 has always been a favorite of mine. It covers the time period right after the four founders of Hogwarts passed away, and the sorting hat was first beginning to be used."
Parvati forced a smile, pretending that she knew what Hermione was talking about.
"Okay, that sounds great," she said. "But I still think it would be funner if me and you did makeovers!"
"You and I. Me and You is not correct English," Hermione corrected her in that tone that drove Ron to the brink of insanity. (Which he actually found quite attractive, but didn't know yet)
"Oh, I knew that!" Parvati giggled. "I just wanted to see if you knew that!" Highly pleased with her quick and suave solution, she burst into a fit of compulsive giggling.
Lavender stalked out of the room hollering," FINE! I don't need you. Be friends with her. I'll go find a new best friend, too!"
Parvati smirked. "As if anyone could stand her stupidity!"
Hermione snorted, but quickly covered it with a cough.
"Anyway, back to the makeover." Parvati turned her attention back to Hermione.
"Would you like dark purple or light purple nail polish?" She asked, hoping that Hermione could stand the pressure of having to choose in this crucial decision.
And it went on and on like this for hours with Parvati throwing in exaggerated comments like," You're soooo much more fun to hang out with than Lavender." or "It's nice to have a best friend with a brain bigger than a peanut for once."
As if SHE has a brain bigger than a peanut, Hermione thought, She's one to talk.
~*~
After an hour of what Hermione thought what truly must be Hell on earth, Parvati proudly escorted her into the common room.
Harry and Ron, who were playing wizard chess, each turned around after Parvati announced in a loud voice, "Presenting the new and improved Hermione...uh..." she dropped her voice to a whisper. "What's your last name again?"
"Supercalifragilisticaishbeealidocious," Hermione whispered back sarcastically.
"Oh, I knew that!" Parvati giggled. "Presenting the new and improved Hermione Supercalifragilisticaishbeealidocious!"
Hermione sighed in exasperation. "I was KIDDING," she hissed into Parvati's ear.
Ron's jaw practically dropped to the floor when his eyes fixed on the now pale-purple fingernailed, volumized-mascaraed, sterling-blue-eyeshadowed, snow-plum-blushed, pure-ivory foundationed, pink-princess lipsticked, sheer-ebony eyelinered, practically-drowned-with-Sleekeazys's-Hair-Potioned Hermione Granger...er, Supercalifragilisticaishbeealidocious.
"Whoa, Hermione!" he gasped. Harry and Hermione both looked at him curiously while Parvati glowed with pride-this girl was her CREATION! Well, actually, she was Mr. and Mrs. Supercalifragilisticaishebeealidocious's creation, but she didn't want to think about that. So she just pretended Hermione was her creation.
"What were you going to say, Ron?" Hermione prodded.
"Er..." Ron's ears had turned bright red. "You look...you...er...what's all that goop on your face?"
Hermione sighed. "I know, it looks horrible. I'll just go wash it off-I hate it."
"NO!" Parvati shrieked. "I CREATED you!"
Hermione, Ron and Harry all exchanged looks that clearly said that they were questioning her sanity.
Parvati, for once in her life, was intelligent enough to realize that she shouldn't have said that out loud, so she instead said, "I mean...please keep it on?! Pleeeease? 'Cause we're best friends and all?"
Ron and Harry couldn't hold back laughter at that comment.
"Fine," Hermione sighed, now looking as though she was being forced to endure Britney Spears as well.
"Great!" Parvati grinned broadly. "I know! I'll go up to the dorm room and get the newest issue of Teen Witch Weekly! We can look through it together!"
"Er...great," Hermione said. Aaron Carter had been added to the group.
"Be right back, BEST FRIEND!" Parvati emphasized the last two words and shot a dirty look at Lavender, then skipped back up to the dormitory complimenting herself on how brilliant she had handled the Lavender situation.
"Um, Hermione?" Harry asked through his laughter. "Since when are you and Parvati "best friends"?"
"Long Story. Lavender and Parvati had a fight..over nail polish." Hermione informed them.
"Ahhh, nail polish," Ron smirked. He continued in a high tone. "Harry, can I borrow your beautiful pink sparkly nail polish?"
"No, Ron!" Harry squeaked.
"I LOATHE you, Harry! Don't ever speak to me again!" Ron shrieked in an ear-piercing tone.
"I won't!" Harry squealed back.
"Fine! HERMIONE is my best friend now." Ron declared.
"That was pretty much it," Hermione said with a laugh. "Except the word 'loathe' is most likely not in Parvati's vocabulary. Anyway, to make a long story short-" she sighed as if the Backstreet Boys had too joined the little 'drive-Hermione-out-of-her-mind' concert, "-we're now 'best friends'."
"Why don't you just tell her that you already have best friends?" Harry suggested simply.
"Er...uh...um..." Ron contributed helpfully, still mesmerized by Hermione.
"I doubt Parvati would listen to that," Hermione said. "All I know is that we have to get out of here before she comes back or I'll go insane."
"And go WHERE, exactly?" Ron asked after he'd once again mastered the talent of speech.
"I don't know," Hermione said, perhaps for the first time in her life. Ron and Harry paused to get this historic event down in writing, then let her continue. "Let's just leave!"
"How about Moaning Myrtle's bathroom?" Harry suggested.
"Fine," Hermione sighed. "I'd rather face Moaning Myrtle than Parvati."
So the three of them quickly left the common room (complete with somersaults, music, and hands made into the shapes of guns-in true James Bond fashion), just as Parvati entered again, humming brightly and flipping through Teen Witch Weekly.
"Hey," she said, puzzled after her eyes scanned the common room. "Why did you guys turn invisible?"
"They're not invisible, STUPID," Lavender said haughtily. "They left to get away from you."
"Oh," Parvati said brightly with a smile. "Where'd they say they were going-I'd better go catch up or they might get mad."
"I think they'd be a little mad at me if I told you that they went to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom," Lavender said coolly.
"Fine!" Parvati said. "I'll just go look for them myself, seeing as you're not willing to help!"
"I'm glad I didn't tell her," Lavender murmured to herself. "I'm never helping that ditz with anything again."
~*~
Parvati didn't suck up shamelessly in divination for nothing. As she walked down the hall, humming the new Celestina Warbeck (?) (a witch version of Britney Spears), her aura suddenly hit her full blast.
"I KNOW! They're in MOANING MYRTLE'S BATHROOM!" she shrieked, then burst into a full round of applause for herself. Passersby eyed her uneasily, but she ignored them. Two hours and 50 Hogwarts bathrooms later, she reached Moaning Myrtle's bathroom triumphantly. "I knew it was here all along," she said to herself.
Parvati swung open the door, still feeling a huge amount of self-pride...it wasn't every day that she was so brilliant.
MY NEW best friend, Hermione, must be rubbing off on me, she thought as she entered the bathroom.
"How long do we have to stay here, Hermione?" Ron moaned.
"As long as we have to," Hermione said. "I just NEED to get away from that stupid ditz."
"I can't blame you," Harry said. "If I was in your situation, I'd be considering suicide."
Who, oh who could they be talking about? Parvati wondered.
"Hello? You guys? It's me...Parvati!" Parvati called into the bathroom.
"Oh, great," Hermione muttered. "I mean, um..." her tone brightened considerably. "Oh, GREAT!"
"Who were you guys talking about?" Parvati asked.
"Oh..." Hermione said. "Um...uh..."
"Uh..." Ron continued.
"You were talking about ME, weren't you?" Moaning Myrtle appeared from one of the stalls, practically in hysterics.
"Yes, yes, exactly!" Hermione said quickly. "We were talking about you, Myrtle!"
"It's all right, Myrtle," Parvati said comfortingly. She then turned her tone down to a stage whisper. "Hermione, that wasn't very nice."
"No, no, it wasn't," Hermione agreed. "I'm not a nice person at all. You shouldn't be around me. EVER."
"Yeah, she's a bad influence," Ron added. "As a matter of fact, we only hang out with her because we're paid. We-"
Hermione elbowed him in the stomach, then turned to Myrtle, who was crying so hard she could have landed a part on a soap opera. "I'm sorry, Myrtle," she said. "That was very rude and inconsiderate of me."
"You don't mean that!" Myrtle said. "You hate me, I know it!"
"Oh dear," Hermione muttered.
"Everybody hates me!" she continued, positively shaking with sobs. "Let's all make fun of Myrtle, just because she's DEAD!"
And with that she disappeared back into a stall and they heard a loud splashing sound.
"Myrtle, no!" Parvati screamed. "Suicide is not the answer! Don't drown yourself!"
"Parvati, she's already DEAD!" Ron reminded her impatiently.
"Oh yeah," Parvati said, giggling. "I knew that. I was just seeing if YOU knew that."
"You do that a lot," Hermione said dryly.
"I know. I like to make sure you guys are um, uh....SMART." Parvati replied, glancing at Hermione.
She giggled again. And Hermione sighed, sensing a pattern.
(pattern, for those of you who aren't so quick: Say something stupid, get corrected, pretend you knew, giggle A LOT)
"Anyway, guys," Parvati said, her face fixed into such a solemn expression that all three of them had to struggle not to laugh. "We should be nicer to Myrtle. So are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I dunno," Ron said. "Are you thinking 'Wow, she can THINK??!!'"
Harry and Hermione burst into laughter, then quickly covered their hands with their mouths. Parvati sat, trying desperately to figure out the joke.
Oh well, she thought, finally giving up. She burst into hysterical giggles as well.
Five minutes later, Parvati was still sitting, shaking with laughter while Harry, Hermione, and Ron looked at her in exasperation.
Finally, with tears in her eyes, Parvati stopped laughing. "That was sooo funny, Ron. You're so hil-hi-hilari-"
"Hilarious?" Hermione supplied.
"Yeah, that one word!" Parvati high-fived her. "You go, 'Mione!"
"Er...ooookay, go me," Hermione said unsurely.
"And you're cute, too," Parvati said, turning back to Ron and fluttering her eyelashes vigorously at him. Sure, he wasn't as cute as the guy on page 24-what the hell did b-o-b j-o-n-e-s spell anyway??-but he was cute. And Lavender would be soooo totally jealous if she got a new boyfriend.
"Are you suffering a muscle spasm or something?" Ron asked, backing away.
"Muscle spasm? What's that?" Parvati asked curiously. She thought intensely, which was very, very hard work. Finally, feeling as though she'd just gotten back from a day at the gym, she said, "Oh, I know what it is NOW! "Isn't that a new band? The lead singer, he's sooooooo hot, isn't he, 'Mione?"
"I prefer classical," Hermione said. "And it's not a band."
"What is it then?" Parvati asked. She giggled. "I know there is a new band called something like that! I should ask Lavender."
Then she obviously remembered they weren't speaking because she made a face.
"Not that SHE would know. SHE doesn't even get Teen Witch Weekly! I have to let her borrow it."
"Anyway, what DOES it mean?" Parvati asked.
"A muscle spasm is a rapid, unexpected movement of a muscle." Hermione told her, sighing.
Gosh. I've learned so much from them already! it's like having dic-di- those things that tell you what words mean for friends. I bet Lavender hasn't learned a thing from her new friends, maybe how to spell her name. But I doubt that. I couldn't teach her, and I'm really smart!
"Anyway, back to my plan," Parvati said in a loud whisper. "It's really brilliant, and I wanna make sure you guys won't feel inferior that you didn't think of it and I did when I tell it to you."
"Oh, we'll try not to," Harry said.
"All right," Parvati said, "My plan is that..." she paused dramatically. "We be nice to Moaning Myrtle!"
Ron gasped. "That's an amazing plan! I can't believe I didn't think of it."
"Well, don't even THINK of stealing it," Parvati warned. "I'm getting it dittorighted."
"Don't you mean copyrighted?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, I knew that!" Parvati said cleverly. "I was just seeing if YOU knew that!"
And with that she burst into giggles.
~*~
"Hey, you guys!" Parvati approached them in the common room later that evening.
Hermione forced an obviously (to everyone but Parvati) fake smile, Harry groaned, and Ron began repeatedly banging his head on the table where he was doing his homework.
"What's wrong Ron?" she asked flirtatiously. "Are YOU having a muscle spasm?" She added, sure that they'd all be impressed with her vast knowledge of medical terms.
"No," he muttered, reluctantly lifting his head up.
"Anyway, I've made these little handouts," she said, handing them each a piece of paper covered in sparkly pink writing. "They're sheets saying different ways we can be nice to Myrtle."
"Oh goody," Ron said accepting his paper.
Hermione read number one. "Stopp bye Moneing Mertls Bathrume be4 and in betwene al klazez"
"Er...this is a really wonderful plan, Parvati," she said, trying to decipher the awfully spelled sentence.
"Oh, I know!" She told them. "I thought of everything myself."
"I...noticed," Harry said weakly as he read over number two. "komplamint here wenevur yuu cee here"
"That one is my favorite!" She excitedly pointed a finger at number four.
"wen shee semes kompleetlee devistayted, awfer komferting werds andd frases like "lipglos iss goode four the sole" or "ther is no problum that makeupp and a kute gye kant ficks"
"It's brilliant," Hermione said with a phony smile. "Completely brilliant."
"You think so?" Parvati asked with a big smile. "You're the BEST best friend EVER, 'Mione!"
Lavender glared at them from the armchair where she sat.
"Er...thanks, Parvati," Hermione said slowly. "Now I have to...um...finish my essay for Potions. So maybe could you give me a little quiet time?"
"Sure, bestest friend in the whole entire world!" Parvati shot a look at Lavender. That would teach HER not to insult her fingernails!
Lavender pranced over to Parvati. "Having fun with the walking dic-di-thing that tells you the meaning of words?" She asked smugly.
"YES!" Parvati said haughtily. "She's a LOT funner to be around than YOU!"
"I bet she is. Does she know about the newest band, Hussle Spasm?" Lavender demanded.
"No!" Parvati said. "Hermione and I are much too adult and lessony-"
"Classy," Hermione hissed.
"-classy to listen to stupid bands like Hussle Spasm. WE-" she linked her arm through Hermione's, "-Listen to classical."
Lavender giggled. "You listen to classical? Isn't that really old stuff?"
"Er...um...uh..."
Hermione cut in impatiently. "Classical music, like wine, becomes more valuable and enjoyable with age."
"YEAH!" Parvati added cleverly.
Lavender went into a fit of giggles at Hermione's saying.
"Is it just me, or does that seem familiar?" Harry whispered to Ron.
She walked away giggling and muttering, "Wine."
"Imbecile," Hermione muttered under her breath.
"Yeah," Parvati added, "Imbecile." She wondered what that meant. Maybe she could look it up in one of those dican-di-word books. She was sure Hermione had one, and of COURSE she'd let her borrow it. They WERE best friends, after all.
And of course she would let Hermione use Teen Witch Weekly is she needed a good read- well needed to look a good pictures.
"Parvati, I really should go and get to work on my History of Magic essay now," Hermione said hastily.
"Wasn't it a Potions essay?" Parvati asked, showing a shred of intelligence for one of the first times in her life. She burst into a round of enthusiastic applause for herself, then let Hermione answer.
"Well...yeah...I have, er, two," Hermione invented.
"Two?" Parvati asked. "Oh, that's, like, one plus one, isn't it?"
"Bravo, bravo," Ron said dryly.
~*~
The next day, Hermione awoke to find that Parvati wasn't in her bed.
"Maybe she's been kidnapped or something," she muttered to herself. "What a shame that would be."
She, Ron, and Harry went through classes that day blissfully Parvati free. However, they should have known that the excellent blessing wouldn't last.
"Hey, look," Hermione said when they got back to the common room after classes. Sitting on the table in sparkly pink ink was a folded up note that read "Hermyownee" on it.
"Gee, I wonder who that could be from," Harry said in mock curiosity.
Hermione reluctantly unfolded the note. It read, "Deer Hermyownee, Haree, and Rawn.."
How can you misspell RON?" Ron asked, aghast as he read over Hermione's shoulder.
"This girl has a brain the size of a peanut," Hermione reminded him. "Her ditziness is something that most think a human wouldn't be capable of."
"Good point," Ron said. The three of them went back to reading the note.
"I hav a supryse for yuu. com too Moneing Mrtle's bathrume as sune as yuu git thiss. ~Parvati"
"She can spell her name! Maybe we don't give her enough credit," Harry said thoughtfully.
Walking at a speed to rival a snail's, the three students left the common room (this time without the suave and adventurous James Bond moves) and headed towards the bathroom.
When Hermione pushed open the door, with an expression on her face that looked as though she was being forced to go into *NSYNC's dressing room, and walked inside, she gasped. The whole entire bathroom was pink.
"Hey guys!" Parvati giggled. "You like it?"
"How did you do this, exactly?" Hermione asked, running one of her fingers on the wall. When she lifted it, the tip of her finger had turned pink. It smelled strangely like lipstick...
"I took ALL of Lavender's lipstick and painted the walls," Parvati said triumphantly. She motioned to the huge pile of empty lipstick tubes that lay in the middle of the room. "She won't be wearing pink chiffon, ice princess, strawberry creme, shocking pink, raspberry frost, watermelon smoothie, pretty in pink, pink-a-boo, pink splash, tickled pink, cotton candy, think pink, pale rose..."
Hermione, Ron, and Harry were forced to sit for another hour while Parvati rattled off the various shades of pink that Lavender's lipstick had been before it had been transferred to the walls.
Finally Parvati paused. "So, do you like it?"
"It's...er...pink," Hermione said finally.
"Really, ya think so?" Parvati looked simply thrilled. "That's JUST what I was going for!"
"You don't say?" Hermione said weakly.
Parvati beamed at Ron and Harry. "Do you guys like it too?"
"It's...um...uh..." Harry stuttered.
"What does Moaning Myrtle think?" Ron asked, dodging the question.
If word got around that Harry and Ron liked an all-pink bathroom, well-Ron shuddered-he didn't even want to think about it.
"Oh. She just loves it! Pink was her favorite color! Did you know that?"
"I think it's lovely that someone would destroy so much lipstick for me," Myrtle said, for once not in tears as she exited a stall.
Parvati grinned at Myrtle. "We're friends! And besides, it's just LAVENDER's lipstick. She won't miss it!" Then she giggled.
Myrtle smiled at Parvati, then turned to Ron, Harry, and Hermione. "You three would NEVER do that for me!" she said. She then burst into tears again and disappeared back into the stall.
"Look what you did!" Parvati pouted."Myrtle! Myrtle, come back!"
"Oops," Hermione said weakly. "You know," she added quickly. "I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to stop being my best friend because I did that...you could be best friends with Myrtle!"
Parvati smiled at her. "No, I know you're sorry."
"How can you be so sure?" Hermione asked quizzically.
"Because we're best friends, 'Mione! I know you're sorry!" She engulfed Hermione in a quick hug.
She then disappeared into the bathroom stall after Myrtle. "Myrtle, Myrtle, come back! You KNOW they didn't mean it! Now come out and admire this lovely pink bathroom!"
Hermione sighed deeply. "All my attempts to get her to leave me alone are failing! What do I do?"
"Well," Harry began. "Maybe she doesn't get your hints."
"Yeah," Ron agreed. "She is pretty dense."
"Maybe you should do something less subtle," Harry suggested. "You could have 'LEAVE ME ALONE, PARVATI, YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!' put on a t-shirt, and then you could wear it all the time."
"That's FOOLISH, Harry," Hermione said. "For one thing, you have to wear black robes at Hogwarts-it's the rules-"
"And Heaven forbid that Hermione ever break a rule," Ron muttered.
"-and two, she probably can't read," Hermione finished.
"Why not just say LEAVE ME ALONE, PARVATI, YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!" Ron suggested.
Hermione frowned.
"That would be so mean! I couldn't do that." She said.
"Well, put it in a nicer way." Harry replied. "That way she'll get the picture and you won't hurt her feelings."
"After all," Ron said. "She's not Myrtle. She doesn't pick at your words until she can believe that you mean 'I hate you' when you say hello."
"Okay, I'll try to talk to her," Hermione sighed as Parvati came out of the stall.
"Guess what our next mission is to cheer Myrtle up?!" Parvati cried.
"What?" Hermione asked wearily.
"We're going to get her a boyfriend!!!" Parvati exclaimed, then shrieked in delight and began to clap her hands.
"Oh, yes, I always thought she and Nearly Headless Nick would look simply fabulous together," Ron said sarcastically.
"Really?" Parvati asked, frowning slightly. "I thought Peeves was more her type."
"Peeves?" Hermione asked skeptically. "He's awful to her!"
"Boys only tease the girls they like," Parvati said in a matter-of-fact tone. "First thing when we get back to the common room, we're reading Teen Witch Weekly!"
"Okay," Hermione said uncertainly.
"How exactly are we supposed to set them up?" Ron demanded.
"Well, I'm still working stuff out! I'm not sure yet." Parvati told Ron impatiently.
That's why you guys are for." She added with a giggle.
They all looked less than thrilled to help set up a B-movie type romance between two ghosts.
"Honestly, Parvati. I'm not sure this is a good idea." Hermione told her.
"Why not? I think it' mar-marv-" Parvati worked to think of the word.
"Marvelous!" Harry exclaimed.
"Really? You think so?" She said excitedly. "I think it's...that word too!"
Harry began taking deep breaths in and out, and his hands were clenched into fists.
"Remember, she's a girl," Ron whispered into his ear. "We don't punch girls. It's an unwritten law!"
"She's not a girl," Harry muttered back. "Girls have BRAIN CELLS."
"Why are you two whispering?" Parvati demanded. "Friends don't keep secrets!"
"Er...well, maybe you shouldn't consider us friends," Harry suggested quickly.
"What? It's not that big of a deal!" She giggled. "You would almost think you guys want me to stop being friends with you!"
"Isn't that funny?" Parvati asked. She giggled again.
Hermione, Ron, and Harry forced out sounds that resembled barks more than laughter.
Parvati smiled. "Luckily, I know you guys are just insecure about losing my friendship."
"I understand. It's ok. You don't have to explain!" She added quickly.
"But I am not going to run back to LAVENDER!" Parvati said Lavender's name in a disgusted voice. "So, we can be friends for a long, long time!"
She grinned. "Aren't you guys relieved?" She prodded.
"Er...I don't know what to say. I'm just so...relieved." Hermione told her with a forced smile.
Parvati nodded knowingly. "Let's go back to Gryffindor. And think about Myrtle and Peeves!"
"Actually, I have to...go," Harry told her apologetically.
"Oh. That's a shame. Where?" Parvati asked.
"Um, I promised I'd eat dinner with someone. Ron did too." Harry said.
"Ok. Well, see you guys. Come on 'Mione!" Parvati ordered. "It's going to be an all-girls bonding session!"
"Yippee," Hermione said with forced enthusiasm. *NSYNC suddenly didn't seem like such torture...
"To tell you the truth, I'm glad to be rid of those boys. We can't do half the girl things I have planned with them around!" Parvati confided to Hermione in a whisper as they left the bathroom.
"Oh. Really? Girl stuff..." Hermione repeated.
Parvati rambled on and on about the "girl stuff" she planned.
"To tell you the truth, I'm not all that into girl stuff," she said uneasily.
Parvati looked puzzled. "You aren't? Why not?" She thought for a moment, then gasped. "Hermione, you're not a lesbian, are you?"
"NO!" Hermione practically shouted.
"It's okay if you are," Parvati assured her. "You're STILL better than Lavender. Just don't hit on me."
"I AM NOT A LESBIAN!" Hermione yelled. The few people that littered the corridors looked at her questioningly. "Oh dear," she murmured.
Life with Parvati was just getting better and better.
~*~
"Isn't this just SOOOOOOOO much fun?" Parvati giggled as she flipped through Teen Witch Weekly. She'd just finished making Hermione read the article on mascara spells, then tried them out on her.
"Tons," Hermione muttered.
"What should we talk about now?" Parvati said. She then let out a loud giggle. "I KNOW! BOYS!"
"Whoop-dee-doo," Hermione contributed weakly.
"Sooo...who do you like?" Parvati asked, her heavily-mascaraed eyes shining.
"No one," Hermione answered quickly.
Parvati sighed. "Are you suuuure? Everyone has to like someone."
"Well, I DON'T," Hermione snapped.
"Yes you do," Parvati said teasingly.
"No I don't!"
"Yes you do!"
"No I don't!"
"Yes you do!"
"No I don't!"
This continued on for ten minutes, and finally Parvati shouted triumphantly, "You like RON!"
"How did you know that?" Hermione asked, then immediately said, "I mean, NO I don't!"
Parvati giggled. "You admitted it!" She shrieked.
"This is great!" Parvati exclaimed over-enthusiastically.
"Fabulous," Hermione muttered.
"Well, you KNOW what we have to do now, don't you?" Parvati asked.
"No, no, no, I don't think I do," Hermione said. "And I don't think YOU know either-"
"Of course I do!" Parvati cried. "We have to get you guys together!"
This is a BRILLIANT plan, Parvati thought, highly pleased with herself. She sighed and pictured Ron and Hermione-now, what was something REALLY original and romantic? I know! Parvati thought excitedly, then mentally pictured Ron and Hermione standing on a ship with Hermione shrieking, "I'm flying, I'm flying!"
Parvati quickly and excitedly explained the plan to Hermione.
"So we have to GET A SHIP, I have to go stand on it and yell 'I'm flying, I'm flying' with Ron's arms wrapped around my waist, and THEN we have to deal with the lawsuits from the people who made Titanic and already kind of TOOK that idea??" Hermione asked.
So for the next hour and ten minutes and thirteen seconds, Parvati came up with different romantic scenarios and Hermione told her that they'd been done.
Finally, Parvati cried triumphantly, "You guys could ride a Shooting Star broomstick into the Forbidden Forest and you'll ALMOST get eaten alive by the creatures that live in there, but Ron will save you and then you'll go have a romantic rendevous in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom!"
Hermione thought this idea over while Parvati applauded herself for being so smart. She had thought of a romantic scenario that hadn't been taken!!!!!
I could write ROMANCE NOVELS! she thought happily.
However, her giddiness was shattered when Hermione said, "Well, to tell you the truth Parvati, I don't really ENJOY flying, and the Forbidden Forest is...well, forbidden. And Moaning Myrtle's bathroom isn't all that romantic."
"Pink is a romantic color!" Parvati protested, pouting.
"I'm just...not very impressed with that idea," Hermione said.
"Oh, okay," Parvati smiled again. "This could be a problem, we may need some help..."
"We could just forget about it!" Hermione said brightly.
"Naaah, we'll go to my mentor!" Parvati cried.
"And exactly who is your mentor?"
"Professor Trelawney, of course!" Parvati giggled. "She's, like, so cool."
Hermione almost fainted at this. Go to Trelawney about her love life??
"No, no, no, no, no, no," Hermione said quickly. "We shouldn't be bugging Professor Trelawney-"
"Oh no. She won't mind at all!" Parvati reassured, well she thought she reassured, Hermione.
"I'm sure she will!" Hermione said. "She's a very, er, important and wonderful teacher-" Hermione made a mental note to wash her mouth thoroughly out with soap, "-and we shouldn't be bugging her with petty things like that."
"Professor Trelawney LOVES pretty things!" Parvati exclaimed.
"No, not pretty, I said pet-" Hermione started, then just went quiet. What was the use?
"C'mon, let's go!" Parvati yanked on her arm.
"All right, I'll be...right there," Hermione said. "I'm just going to go wash my face."
"Okay," Parvati grinned. She and Lavender had always went to visit Professor Trelawney. NOW she was taking her NEW best friend to see her. She hoped Lavender was there, just to make her feel jea-jilius? jalus? Oh well. To make her feel bad.
Parvati skipped happily all the way up to the Divination classroom, but when she entered it she found that Lavender was already sitting at a table around a crystal ball with her beloved teacher.
"Ahhhh, I knew you would be coming," Professor Trelawney said in her misty voice.
"REALLY, Professor Trelawney?" Parvati asked in amazement. "I wish I was as gifted as you were!'
"You will be soon." Professor Trelawney predicted. "You have inner-eye vibes."
"You MEAN it, Professor? Thank you!" Parvati cried. "Anyway, my BEST FRIEND, 'MIONE, will be here soon."
"Ah, Miss Patil, Miss Granger is not your best friend!" Professor Trelawney said quickly, hoping that she wouldn't have to face that snotty, know-it-all brat who saw through her psychic act like Jennifer Lopez's dress at the Grammys. "Miss Brown here is still your best friend, the orb tells me so. You two just need to work out your differences."
"Really?" Parvati asked.
"Really?" Lavender asked.
"REALLY!" Professor Trelawney confirmed, nodding her head vigorously.
"So we're still best friends?" Parvati asked.
"Yes, yes, the best of friends," Professor Trelawney said. Her misty tone was back.
"Oh," Lavender giggled. "Sorry, Parvati. I thought we WEREN'T best friends. But Professor Trelawney is never wrong."
"Yeah," Parvati agreed. "'Mione, well, Hermione wasn't that fun to hang out with anyway. She always wanted to read Hogwarts: A History, and she likes CLASSICAL music!" Parvati dropped her tone and whispered into Lavender's ear. "And if it wasn't for that Ron Weasley, I'd be POSITIVE she was a lesbian."
Lavender giggled. "What do you mean if it wasn't for Ron Weasley?"
And the two girls settled down for a MAJOR gossip session while Professor Trelawney sighed in relief.
~*~
"Hey, you know what?" Parvati said a few minutes later. "I should go tell Hermione, Ron, and Harry that you're my best friend again."
Lavender sighed heavily. "They'll probably be devastated, but it's the right thing to do, Parvati."
"I know," Parvati replied, hoping that Ron, Harry, and especially Hermione survive the shock and tragedy of not having her as a friend any longer.
"What did you do without me anyway?" Parvati asked Lavender.
"Oh," Lavender giggled. "I hung out with Dean and Seamus, and guess what?"
"What?" Parvati asked quickly.
"He KISSED me!" Lavender squealed. "We're 'going out'!"
"Aaaah!" Parvati cried. "Do you think that you could fix me up with Dean-he's kinda cute!"
"Sure." Lavender giggled. "We could double date!"
"Great!" Parvati said with a huge smile. "Well...I should go find Hermione, Ron, and Harry and tell them."
"Okay," Lavender said. "Hurry back!"
"I will!" Parvati said to her best friend.
~*~
"Do you know where Hermione, Ron, and Harry are?" Parvati asked Neville Longbottom once she reached the Gryffindor common room and saw that they weren't there (and had come to the conclusion that they weren't invisible).
"They said something about going to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, I think," Neville replied.
"Oh, okay. I should have known." Parvati said with a giggle (her sentences just didn't SEEM complete without them!), heading in the direction of Myrtle's bathroom.
Parvati felt sorry for Hermione, Ron, and Harry-they obviously all adored her work on the now-gorgeous bathroom so much, and wanted to stay there all the time because it reminded them of her! "They'll probably cry every time they enter it after this," she said solemnly to herself.
When she reached the bathroom and swung open the door, the first thing she heard was Myrtle's excited chatter. "And you guys can stay in here with me-when you're not haunting her, of course."
"What's going on?" Parvati asked, walking into the bathroom. A very odd sight lay before her-Hermione was standing with a knife pointed at her heart, a look of almost crazed annoyance on her face, Ron was slinging a rope around his neck, and Harry had his head positioned over the sink, which was full.
"Oh, nothing," Hermione said quickly.
"You know you guys, you really should be careful," she said. "You could KILL yourselves doing careless things with knives and ropes and around water!"
"Oh, thanks for the warning Parvati, we would NEVER want to do that," Ron said sarcastically.
"Now can you please LEAVE?" Harry asked impatiently. "We have some business to take care of."
"I'm afraid this can't wait," Parvati said solemnly. "I have something to tell you."
"What?" Hermione asked impatiently. She was sure Parvati must have lost her brush or something.
How tragic that would be.
"Lavender Brown is now my best friend again," Parvati said in a serious tone. "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to spend more time with her-I probably won't see you guys anymore."
"What a...shame," Hermione said, dropping the knife to the floor with a clatter and grinning broadly.
Parvati giggled with relief, glad Hermione took the news so well. It was almost like she wanted this to happen. But of course, that was impossible.
She WAS Parvati Patil, after all.
Hermione must just be a very good actress, she said to herself as she left the bathroom, oblivious to the cheers and shouts of joy coming from inside of it.
A/N: Thanks so much for reading-kudos to you if you got this far! Now please review :) Also, if you happen to be a fan of Parvati, we're just REALLY, REALLY overexaggerating her personality, we don't mean to offend anyone who likes her and Lavender :)