The last letter that says all
A stack of letters lay neatly piled on the desk. They were all the exact same size, each carrying the same name, written in the same characteristic style. A red ribbon was wrapped around the letters. Slender hands opened the newest addition to the pile.
Dear beautiful,
You know who you are. Ken or Omi has probably dug out this letter from my remaining possessions. Especially Omi seems to have developed a sixth sense about anonymous things. So I trust the letter to be delivered to you safely.
You wonder why you're receiving this, don't you? Oh yeah, I can just see those tiny sections of your brain working. The reason is perfectly sane and understandable. Because I didn't dare to say these things when I was alive.
Don't cuss me out! It's not nice to cuss at dead people, ya know? Who knows, maybe I can even hear it. And it won't be fair since I won't be able to cuss back. You won't hear it anyway.
I always knew that I'd die some day. After all, everybody dies. So on one bright sunny morning, I decided to write this letter. After taking a considerable amount of alcohol in my blood the evening before, I started to think. What if I died? It could happen tomorrow, next week or maybe years later till I'm old and gray. The thing is, you never know when. You won't get a letter in your mailbox that says, dear mister, you are going to die on this day this month and this year. And what would I regret the most? The things that were never said. The things that really mattered. Exactly the reason why I'm writing this letter.
You may think I'm a coward, among lots of other things I prefer not knowing, but the truth is I am afraid. I am afraid that you'll turn me down and take away the one illusion I have left. Truth may be good, but ignorance is bliss. I'm not seeing that death glare of yours! Lalala.
I fell in love with you. Did you know? I think you suspect. Well, here's your confirmation. A little bit late, I suppose. Better late than never though.
Anyway. I just want to say…I love you. I have loved you for years now. No, it's not a crush that will pass away in time and it's not in a brotherly way. I haven't had much real love in my life. But I know one when it's there. I'm not that stupid. Whether the love is returned…Well, that's out of my hand. I've observed you day in day out. I've watched you grow and change. Pity it wasn't what I really hoped for. However, let's face it. You're just brought up too straight to be gay. I'm sad, but I can't blame you. Women are great. Besides, a straight relationship is still being adored in the whole wide world while people still consider gay as an illness, a madness and other unpleasant things that don't happen to good people. Even if they don't say it out loud.
Have you ever wondered why for some reason I always tried to stay in touch? Harassing you with endless phone calls and letters, when I haven't seen you in a while. It's not because of an obligation I felt to keep the group together or any other noble causes. It was for me. I didn't want to disappear out of your life. Somehow I had this crazy theory figured out about how you will love me a little and how I could be a part of your life this way. Idiotic, isn't it? Not to mention the fact that if I ever stopped to throw myself in front of you, it would automatically mean that I've gone to become fish food.
Maa…maa. You're calling me an idiot again! I've really thought this out, ya know? I figured that if you died before me (and I pray to god that would never happen), I could always just burn this letter and make the ashes be thrown over your grave. It would have defeated the whole purpose of this writing-a-letter-to-let-you-know-I'm-dead thing and you can't expect this plan to be 100% bulletproof .
So if you're reading this letter, it means I'm probably dead. Maybe not. Although, if you don't receive any letters from me after this one, you can officially assume I'm a goner. I would have no regrets to leave this life behind though. Selfish? Maybe. Lunatic? Of course. I know I would die a thousand deaths just for one glance of those violet eyes of yours, to touch those beautiful red locks. See you in the afterlife, beautiful! Who knows. Maybe I could finally manage to break the ice.
Loving you always and forever (yes, even from beyond the grave),
Kudoh Yohji
P.S. I hope you won't forget me.
The same hands folded it up again and returns it to the envelop. The ribbon is wrapped lose to let the newest envelop join it's siblings. Fingers reached into the drawer to pull out a black ribbon. The black ribbon was being wrapped around the pile. A drop of luminescent fluid fell on top of the first envelop, wetting the old ink.
*hides behind rocks from angry Yohji fans* I hope it was obvious enough who the 'beautiful' was. ^^;;
Dedicated to my hard headed friend, who seems to be totally oblivious to all my wooing attempts.