You Can't Win! Episode 3 (On Tamora Pierce, also 5th total)
by Lady of the Wolves
Dedicated to Ralph and Louie
*Flashing lights, crowd screams and claps, shot to stage. Theme song plays. Camera centers on a woman standing onstage*
The woman has dark brown hair with the bottom curled under. She's wearing a pink shirt and blue jean capris with white high-top sneakers. She waves to the camera.
Woman: Hello, viewers! I'm Anita Friend, your host. Welcome back to another great episode of-
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
*Crowd claps and yells. Noise slowly dies down*
Anita (smiling broadly): Thanks! On last week's TORTALLAN edition, Kaddar the Loser (A/N: Tee hee, I couldn't resist, sorry), Veralidaine Sarrasri, and....Tahoi, the stupid mutt...
*Audience "booooos"*
Anita (continuing): I mean, and Tahoi tried to beat each other by answering simple trivia questions to win! Warrior wood elf #4 won! However, as he has been reported as missing and was last seen leaving Austrailia in a body cast-
*Crowd gasps*
Anita: We have, sadly, had to forefit his prize as well. But no matter, today's winner will take home an EVEN MORE fabulous prize than ever!
*Audience goes wild*
Anita: On today's show, we have three important Tortallans who just can't wait to get started so they can try and win!
*Crowd applauds*
Anita: So let's hear it for....Contestant Number One!
*Crowd goes wild*
A tall woman with short, light brown hair comes onstage. She is muscular and smiles at the audience.
Anita: Please welcome Keladry of Mindelan!
*A big man with curly red hair in audience stands up and waves at her. She turns the other way, refusing to wave back*
Anita: Kel is Tortall's second Lady Knight, and proud of it! She likes to joust and relax with her fiancee, Cleon-
Kel: Scratch that. We ARE NOT getting married!
*Crowd whipers anxiously*
Cleon (in audience): Come on, Kel, I SAID I was sorry!
Kel: Humph.
Anita (quickly): Let's introduce Contestant Number Two!
A lanky man with longish brown hair and green eyes saunters onstage lazily.
Anita: Let's welcome Nealan of Queenscove!
*Crowd applauds, with the exception of Cleon*
Cleon: You suck!
*Armed thugs offstage glare at Cleon, and he shuts up. Neal glares at Cleon*
Anita: Ahem. Neal likes to waste time, steal other peoples' fiancees, and check out babes.
*Cleon snickers in the audience, Neal looks confused*
Neal: Hey!
Anita: Ok....let's move on!
Neal: But how did the writer KNOW?!?!
*Neal looks scared. Anita sighs*
Anita: Let's introduce our last player....a VERY famous person who was brought back FROM THE DEAD-
*Crowd "oooohhhhhs"*
Anita: To be on the show! Let's welcome Duke Roger of Conte!
*Crowd goes wild*
A handsome man with a black beard wearing a black silk robe skips onstage jauntily.
Roger: Hi mom! Oh wait, you're dead.
*Audience claps and whistles*
Neal: Hey, why's he getting all the applause now?
Cleon (in audience): Because everyone likes him more than YOU!!
*Neal tries not to cry, biting his lip*
Kel: Aw, it's okay, Neal. We all know that Cleon's a LOSER!
Cleon (in audience): I object!
Anita: AHEM! Roger likes to....be dead? And fight with Alanna, who is obviously cooler than he is!
Roger: Hey!
Alanna (in the audience): Ha ha, Roger's a loser! He can't beat me a hopscotch-I mean, sword-fighting, right!
*Audience laughs, Roger growls*
Roger: I'm just allergic to your stupid feline, okay?
*Roger sniffs*
Anita: Um.... So now I will be happy to reveal today's categories: Shades of Black, The Powerpuff Girls, Hakuna Matata, Cheeses of France, and Chalk!
*Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Remember, you each have three lifelines: 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE!
Neal: What does the YOU LOSE! one do? 'Cause on "Millionaire" they have-
Anita: Everyone, please help Neal to understand what our third lifeline does!
Kel: Wait! Don't hurt Neal!
*Audience members reach under their seats and throw bouncy balls at Neal, Cleon especially, except for Alanna. She aims at Roger*
Roger: Ouch! Hey! Stop that, hit the other dude!
Neal: It hurts! I need a band-aid! Whaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
*Audience stops, except for Cleon*
Anita: AHEM!
*She motions to Armed thugs, who grab the bouncy balls away from Cleon, who then proceeds to sulk*
Anita: Contestant Number One, you know what time it is!
Kel (confused): Um....I don't have a watch, but-
Anita: No, I mean-
*Kel turns around to face audience*
Kel: DOES ANYONE HAVE THE TIME?!?!
Anita: I MEAN THAT IT'S TIME TO CHOOSE A CATEGORY!!!!
Kel: Oh.
*Kel turns back around*
Kel: Why didn't you say so?
Anita: Sigh. Just pick one already.
Kel: I pick....Hakuna Matata!
Anita: Great!
*Audience cheers*
Anita: And your question is.... How old is Pumba?
Kel: Who the HECK is Pumba?
Guy in Audience: He's the warthog from Africa!
Kel: WHAT?!? There's a spy from...from Africa? Wherever that is. Named Pumba? Where is he?! Lemme at him!
Anita: Kel, I believe you're missing the point.
*Audience laughs*
Kel: Bring this- this Pumba out!
Anita: I'm sorry, but that was incorrect. I'm afraid that you...
Audience: HAVE TO KISS ONE OF THE TELETUBBIES!!!
Kel: What's a teletubby?
Cleon and Neal together: HEY, SHE'S MY GIRL!!!
*Cleon and Neal glare at each other*
Anita: Let's welcome....Darn, I forgot its name. No matter, they're all basically the same. Let's welcome the purple teletubby!
*Audience cheers. A curtain opens and the purple teletubby waddles out. Crowd gasps in horror*
Audience Member: Hey, isn't that the GAY one?
Kel: Excuse me?!?! I AM NOT KISSING SOME GAY FREAK!!!
Anita: I'm sorry, Kel, but you have to!
*The purple teletubby waddles forward. Kel faints in horror*
Cleon and Neal together: I'll save you!
*Cleon and Neal rush forward, and each grab one of Kel's arms*
Neal: She's mine, back off!
Cleon: Stay away, you loser!
*The purple teletubby comes forward and Neal runs away. The teletubby kisses Cleon*
Cleon: AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Cleon frantically brushes the place where the teletubby kissed him. Armed thugs approach and use cattle prods to take the teletubby offstage*
Teletubby: I am Tinky-Winky! Who wants a hug?
*Audience screams. Teletubby and Armed thugs exit. Audience cheers*
Kel (waking up): Cleon? You SAVED me!
*She throws her arms around his neck and kisses him. He carries her out studio door*
Anita: That was.....interesting? I don't know.
*Audience cheers and laughs*
Neal (getting up from under his podium, where he was hiding): Where'd Kel go?
Anita: Kel left.
*Audience laughs*
Neal (depressed): Sigh.
*A pretty stagehand with red hair runs onstage with a note, which she hands to Anita*
Neal (excited): Whoa, baby! Hey, what's your number?
*Stagehand glares at him, then runs offstage*
Anita: AHEM! Kel and Cleon have eloped!
*Crowd goes wild*
Neal (calling to the pretty stagehand): Should I just give you mine?
Anita: Let's focus. Now, Neal, it's your turn!
Neal: I pick The Powderpuff Girls! By the way, are they hot? And are they single?
*Audience laughs. Three girls in the front row glare at him angrily*
Little Girl #1: It's POWERpuff!
Little Girl #2: Why does EVERYBODY get that wrong?!?!
Anita: Let's hear the question: What was Mojo Jojo drinking yesterday at 5:00?
Neal: 'Mojo Jojo'? What a horrible name! I thought this category was about girls!
*Crowd laughs*
Anita: I'm sorry, but that was NOT the answer we were looking for!
Neal: Who the !@#$%^& (quite unprintable) is Mojo Jojo?!?!
Anita: So, you have to be....
Audience: INCINERATED BY FIRE TROLLS!!!
Neal: But what was the answer??!!?!
Anita: The answer was: He wasn't drinking anything yesterday at 5:00!
Neal: But does she want to go out with me?
Little Girl #3: Mojo Jojo is a GUY!!!
Neal (extrememly confused): I am NOT going out with a guy!
*Anita motions and five fire trolls come onstage. They look like the little troll toys with big hair and a bellybutton jewel, but their eyes are red and they're wearing red jumpsuits*
Neal: So I have to go out with one of THEM?!?!
*Audience laughs and cheers*
Anita: Sigh
*Trolls begin shooting fire out of their fingers at Neal. He jumps and tries to dodge, but one of them sets his hair on fire*
Neal: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!! PUT IT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Neal runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Armed thugs put his hair out and drag him away. Fire trolls follow. Crowd goes wild*
Anita: Wasn't that exciting! Now, Contestant Number Three, it's your turn! Contestant Number Three? ROGER?!?!
*Roger has fallen asleep at his podium. He is snoring and drooling slightly*
Anita: A little help here?
*Armed thugs come over with a hose and wake Roger up*
Roger: Uh...what? It wasn't me!
Anita: Please pick a category!
Roger (who is dripping wet and not quite awake yet): A...what? Oh a category! Right. I pick the one about cheese. I like cheese. Cheese is good. Eat cheese! Do you like-
Anita: YOUR QUESTION IS: WHAT TYPE OF CHEESE IS MANUFACTURED IN MONGOLIA?!?!
Roger: Seven, final answer!
*Roger falls asleep again and crowd cheers*
Anita: I'm sorry, Roger, but that was incorrect!
*Armed thugs wake up Roger again by throwing water on him*
Roger: Yeowch! That's cold!
Anita: Please accept this golden egg as a consolation prize!
Roger (starting to cry): But I wanted to win! It's not fair!
Anita (laughing): Of course it isn't! And why?
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
*Armed thug #5 chucks a golden egg at Roger, and it knocks him out*
Anita: The results are in!
*Crowd whispers excitedly*
Anita: And the winner is....
*Drumroll*
Anita: Me! I won, ha ha ha!
*Anita begins to laugh hysterically. Audience stares at her*
Roger (waking up): There is NO WAY I'm gonna let some loser chick beat me!
*Anita stops laughing and gives him a death glare. Studio becomes very quiet*
Anita: WHAT did you call me?
Roger (afraid): Um....nothing?
*Anita screams her war cry and chases him around the studio*
Roger: HELP!!!
*Alanna jumps out of her seat and chases after Roger with Anita*
Alanna: I killed you twice, I can do it again!
Anita: Wanna DANCE, Roger?!
Roger: Aaaagggghhhh!!!
*Anita and Alanna chase Roger out of studio*
Britney Spears (in the audience): Finally!
*Britney goes onstage and smiles at audience*
Britney: It's my show now!
*Audience cheers. Anita sticks her head in door*
Anita: I think not!
*Alanna sticks her head in too. She blows three short blasts on a whistle. Her warrior wood elf friends appear and go after Britney*
Britney: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Anita: We'll see you next time on-
Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!!!
*Offstage, Kitten is busy reading "Chicken Soup for Directors of Amazingly Stupid Game Shows Souls". She sighs and takes an Asprin*
THE END....but hasn't it been that before?
Disclaimer: I don't own any Tamora Pierce characters, they belong to her. "You Can't Win!" belongs to Nickelodeon. I don't own the "Chicken Soup" books and I don't own Asprin. I don't own anything from "The Lion King" or "The Powerpuff Girls". Also, I don't own the Teletubbies (thank goodness!) and I don't own what Roger said about cheese.
That was most disturbing. Please forgive me if you have been traumatized for life and need serious therapy. Also, to Lioness grrl, did you have information for me about a mind doctor? I could really use one....
Thank you to Star Shadow, Terri, Yosis, sunflower, and Amanda.
Emily, a reviewer, asked for these characters to be featured on the show. If you have requests, let's hear them! Also, I'll write in another category (if I know enough about that subject) if anyone wants. Look for more "You Can't Win!" episodes in the Harry Potter and Invader Zim sections under my name. (Yes, Invader Zim!)
Also, as I'm the first person to use "You Can't Win!", I am the only one who can write stories with Anita and crew. Please don't ask me if you can use them to make your own stories. Come up with your own game show! That's what I did (btw, I didn't know that "You Can't Win!" was real).
PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!